I wish I could say it’s good news but it isn’t… So life update: I just got out of a domestic violence relationship where I was not only strangled on multiple occasions but also raped again… and again… multiple times by him, I’ve also got repressed memories from my childhood coming back to me so that isn’t good.
However good news is the police seem to be taking this news more seriously then they did the prior case when I was 15 but we’ll see..
I feel like I failed at life. Oh may I add he’s on the run on 16 charges and I don’t feel safe at all.
Cannot recommend WDHDT highly enough. I’ve found it helpful not just for romantic relationships, but also for growing up w a “unexplainable/uncontrollable” dad.
IT HAS ALSO BEEN REALLY HELPFUL FOR UNDERSTANDING ONLINE MOB HARASSMENT.
So if you’ve ever been bombarded w threats to be raped/killed, (so…if you’re a minority and you’ve been on the Internet for a while), this book might be useful for getting clarity around the whole entitled, abusive mindset that drives certain kinds of people to behave that way. And by “getting clarity”, I mean (for me) being able to go “oh, that’s what’s happening” and not really feel scared anymore. Or angry, or drawn out into it, or anything.
And if you’re still standing around going “but how does something like GamerGate happen?” or “but why do men hit their wives?” or whatever – please read that book and learn something.
^^^^ truth WDHDT is fantastic at cutting down MRA bullshit and calling it what it really is
Please consider reading these. WDHDT is really, really helpful. And I know some of you are struggling with abusive relationships, friendships, families, etc. You’re not alone. There is help.
Yo. This family holiday, please, please take care of yourself. You aren’t there to be anybody else’s cushion.
Recently (well two years ago) I moved houses into a smaller house downsizing due to finances.
There is something to be said about picking up and leaving everything behind in a house, the same goes for mental and emotional challenges, and mental health in general.
I kept having to ask myself “what is so bothersome about moving from this house?”
I did not have many good memories there, all in all it was pretty bad.
Though the few good memories I had I wanted to hold on to for dear life.
But was it the memories keeping me hold there? No.
In particular was it the good memories?
Most definitely not.
It was the way the stairs creaked, so I’d knew how to not wake my parents, it was the way the lock locked, and which way the wall pointed to my bed.
It was that feeling of comfortability. The same thing can be said about trauma.
We get stuck in this comfort. The idea that yes I may be hit or abused or raped, but at least I’ll know how it feels.
It is not trauma that makes us insane. It’s realizing what happened was never normal.
When I was assaulted multiple times by this man, I wasn’t affected all that much, sure the physical aspect had me sore to the point where it hurt to sit down, and the bruises ached.
Yet as long as I held onto that denial I was okay.
Because I developed a comfort in knowing what had happened.
Healing is hard because whether you suffered sexual, physical, emotion or all of the abuse combined you are not only going to have to recognize what happened to you is wrong.
But you are going to have to come to grips and embrace the discomfort that comes along with that realization.
“Being traumatised means continuing to organise your life as if the trauma were still going on - unchanged and immutable - as every new encounter or event is contaminated by the past.”
(While I tried to include the most helpful resources I could here (i.e., resources that lend themselves to one-on-one communication, individual reading, etc.), there are plenty of other great resources, including regional resources, listed in these links. Some of the resources are specific to men and others aren’t, but they are all helpful for male survivors.)
**Male Survivor (regional, international, and online resources)
“An abuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives—focused on how he feels, so that they won’t focus on how he thinks, perhaps because on some level he is aware that if you grasp the true nature of his problem, you will begin to escape his domination.”
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
It really is so insulting the way people act like survivors should be able to sever all emotional connection and empathy from their partner the second they behave abusively, because it’s not how human emotions/attachment works and it’s not how traumatic bonding works.
Instead of the “if a man ever did that to me I wouldn’t put up with that” ask yourself “what if someone I trusted completely, who was struggling with something serious in their life, who I lived with, harmed me and then apologized profusely and cried and promised they’d never do it again?” If you can picture immediately walking away from— not a hypothetical person— someone you trust right now if that situation happened, then you’re in the minority.
And also- when, after abuse, survivors DO walk away from friendships and relationships the first time there’s even the hint of harm, then people shame us for “black-and-white thinking” or “self-sabotage” and imply we’re damaged, but then if we don’t do that and get abused again then it’s our fault cause we should know better
Folks really need to have more empathy for how emotionally complex abuse is. It’s not the same kind of trauma as a stranger assaulting you on the street. It’s someone who will cry after they hurt you and it will take months or years to realize that wasn’t about actual remorse but was so you felt selfish if you ever complained about their treatment of you and so you would comfort them and swallow your own pain.
It is not survivors’ fault for being compassionate or not compassionate enough or too forgiving or not forgiving enough— it’s abusers’ fault for abusing. There is no “you should have___” because I guarantee somewhere a survivor tried that exact thing and it didn’t save them. There is no way to win in a dynamic where someone has control over you.
It doesn’t matter what you think you would do, because when you’re in it, it doesn’t feel like “I’m being abused” it feels like “I’m the only one who can help this extremely troubled but ultimately well-meaning person who wants to be better” and the latter feeling is much harder to just walk away from than you’d ever imagine
I wish I could have went into more detail for you all.
Thank you to the followers who have stuck with me through the years all 1,600 plus of you, I’ve lost some but the ones who have stayed I appreciate you.
On top of him doing all of this to me he also called me a “savage” due to my Native ancestory. And gaslighted me pretty badly.
This is what I’ve been dealing with while I’ve been gone, I am the woman in the article they forgot a few charges and left some details out I am breaking my silence.
