Spoke with The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) today.
According to research compiled by the anti-sexual assault organization, RAINN, at least 25 percent of sexual violence is committed by a former partner while 45 percent is committed by an acquaintance. Plus, one of the biggest and least-understood reasons why a victim won’t “just leave” an abuser is financial dependence. #Safety4Survivors wants to fix that.
After the last test she was warned that if she did not get serious and start to study she would get acquainted with the hair brush. And now the brush lies on the table. And before the lazy butt turns red and very hot there are only a few minutes left.
Everyone who uses that “well 90% of rape is committed by men,” bullshit is forgetting that female rapists are rarely reported because male rape victims aren’t taken seriously and are made fun of and when they actually are reported it’s RARELY taken seriously and goes through court.
Women rape plenty. You’re not pure. You’re not the victim. Anyone, ANYONE, can be a victim, regardless of gender.
Women also rape other women, but a lot of people either outright ignore it, thinking that it’s “not real rape,” or they try to silence survivors because they think that reporting on female-on-female sexual abuse is homophobic.
Study after study has shown that lesbian relationships have the highest levels of abuse per capita. This can’t be ignored any longer.
I had no idea. That’s awful.
Lgbt people aren’t innocent and incapable of being abusive or rapists. f/f and m/m relationships aren’t inherently more pure and wholesome than m/f couples.
Rape isn’t a female issue caused by men and it’s FAR from exclusive to heterosexual couples.
#SaveLives - We need crowdsourced housing and help in the United States and everywhere!
With MILLIONS of victims, we can only solve this if we work together!
If we could get 1 pilot city in the USA to help victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence, it would be amazing!
If you know of any organizations willing to work with an organization that’s run successfully for 4 years, please look into this model. I wish I could offer a room one day too, but how can we when there’s no voluntary process?
How can we when we don’t even know where victims are or how to communicate with them?
SupportBrightAct too - they’re in the most #innovative city in #Sweden which wants to streamline #help for domestic abuse.
When I mentioned Safe Haven Community in #Australia, they didn’t hesitate for 1 second to add them to their list of #resources.
by the way, the man who drove his car into that wisconsin christmas parade was a domestic abuser :)))) it’s almost like there’s a stronger link between violence against women and mass killings than smoking and lung cancer…
just 6 days before this attack, he was freed on $1000 bail for running over his ex girlfriend in his car….they gave him fucking 1k bail for attempted murder….
if they had taken his domestic violence seriously, there would be 5 less dead people and dozens less seriously injured people, including a dozen kids. not to mention how his ex girlfriend must be feeling.
He also got busted for pimping his 16 year old baby mama.
TOM COTTON, PHYLLIS SCHAFLEY, AND WOMAN HATIN’: TOMMY AIMS TO PLEASE
By Jane X
Tom Cotton has recently pushed a group called “Women for Cotton.” Talk about an oxymoron. Truly baffled, I wonder how and why any woman who actually knows the truth about Tom Cotton and his views about women would vote for him. Anyone … Anyone … I say in my retrofitted Ferris Bueller voice. He has repeatedly voted against us at every turn and has earned a big fat zero concerning everything that affects us women folk and just as important, our families. Honestly, let’s look at his voting record: he voted against the Violence Against Women Act, not once, but twice, he voted against the farm bill which included food assistance for us single moms who need help to feed our kids, he voted against the student loan bill that would help those sisters who are trying to educate themselves, he was against changing the form of military justice that allows twenty six thousand rapes a year in the military to go unchecked with only 238 convictions, he voted against immigration reform which helps keep families intact, and he voted for a government shutdown which had a detrimental effect on female government employees and of course those “stay at home moms” who are married to said employees, costing American taxpayers 26 billion dollars, and to top it all off, he voted against equal pay for women cause you know, we should be pleasing our husbands and frying chicken barefoot and pregnant to put it nicely.
If that isn’t enough, we can look to his patronizing comments about women in the military and his writings at Harvard which are just beyond all explanation. How any honorable man can blame women’s equality for the fall and great demise of modern society is just … bizarre. Mind you, Tom Cotton wants to force every woman in America to give birth to children no matter the circumstance including rape, incest, fetal anomalies, and even when the mother’s health is in jeopardy as he supports “personhood.” For those of you who don’t know what that means, let me explain. Personhood would give a zygote more rights than a living breathing woman and would be disastrous for women’s health and to be more accurate, endangers the very lives of pregnant women. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iU2BZN_GRhI
It would also stop stem cell research for those suffering from diseases with no cure and in-vitro for those women who have trouble conceiving. It would even lead to a ban on any type of hormonal contraception. Think about that. Ninety-nine percent of all American women have used birth control during their lives, yet Tom Cotton either doesn’t realize this or doesn’t care. I vote for the latter. Even more disturbing is his connection to Phyllis Schlafly’s doctrine of thought. Both Schlafly and Cotton even used the same phrasing, “perverse incentives” to describe women who have used food stamps to feed their children. Remember, she believes that if women just got married, they would not be at risk of being raped. It is Mind boggling, ancient, and quite frankly, a disgusting belief system. To begin the comparisons between Schlalfly and Cotton, let’s start with the similarities in their comments on women in the military.
The epidemic of rape and domestic abuse doesn’t seem to faze Ms. Schlafly, but apparently, even a fictitious military flick is hard for her to stomach: “G.I. Jane proves that women can take a beating as well as a man, but so what? The movie shows that she lacks the upper body strength to pull herself out of the water into a boat, a rather elementary test for anyone seeking to be a Navy Seal. The pretense that G.I. Jane could do everything the Seals do is a Hollywood fiction created with trick photography, make-up, and a stand-in for the star. It’s all as make-believe as the scene where her Seal commander talks to her in the shower and somehow doesn’t notice that she’s nude,”
Now, let’s look at Tom Cotton’s statement about women serving in the military which he made on the Laura Ingram show: “To have women serving in infantry, though, could impair the mission-essential tasks of those units [showering in the nude]. And that’s been proven in study after study, it’s nature, upper body strength, and physical movements, and speed, and endurance, and so forth.” And what exactly does he mean by our “nature?” Obviously he has never seen a woman give birth, or witnessed a woman protect her children. Would not these same traits be beneficial in the arena we call war? Fierce and deadly protection of the “family” unconsciously or willingly without a second thought of sacrificing life and limb, and the ability to endure extreme pain might prove beneficial. No? It’s astounding when you compare the two statements between Cotton and Schlafly: nature, upper body strength, and apparently the belief that male soldiers should not be held accountable for their innate “manly desires.” In my humble opinion, men that rape their own comrades are the ones who are detrimental to the mission and the men who allow that to occur and protect the criminality of soldiers and allow them to remain in the military are the threats. Not women. “That be” you Tom Cotton. And who does he sound like? Do their words sound similar? It should. You can read more about that interview here: http://thinkprogress.org/security/2013/01/08/1418451/gop-congressman-womens-nature-means-they-should-be-banned-from-infantry/
If belittling female soldiers isn’t enough, let’s move on to the Violence Against Women Act. One of the aspects of this act is to help quell help domestic abuse and help rape victims. Interestingly enough, Schlafly and Cotton want to change divorce laws. They both think no fault divorce laws destroyed the institution of marriage. Let’s compare the comments made by Cotton and Schlafly. She says, “The recent PBS program called “Breaking the Silence” is an example of feminist propaganda that men are batterers and women are victims. Among the falsehoods in the film was the assertion that ‘one-third of mothers lose custody [of their children] to abusive husbands’ and that if a divorcing father seeks any form of child custody, he’s most likely a wife-beater.“ Shaking my head. Yeah, she said that. http://www.eagleforum.org/column/2005/nov05/05-11-09.html
She goes on to say that, “Because of perverse incentives a so called "no fault divorce” is often followed by a bitter child custody dispute with bogus allegations of domestic violence or child abuse, and the winner can get a huge child support windfall. Usually the family court judge cannot tell who is telling the truth.“ Now read what Tom Cotton wrote in his Harvard Crimson article, “Promises and Covenants.” "For example, liberals wanted to help the poor, especially poor children, so they created a welfare system with perverse incentives that encouraged the birth of children into poverty.” He also stated that feminists should hail the covenant marriages as it doesn’t allow men to dump their old hag wives for new bustier prettier versions. http://www.thecrimson.com/article/1997/10/3/promises-and-covenants-pmen-are-simple/
On his the “truth” about Cotton website, he had this to say about the VAWA: “This law spends $660 million, much of which goes to fund liberal organizations to carry out an ideological agenda without effective results in reducing violence against women. This law is poorly and too broadly written. It unconstitutionally surrenders the rights of Americans who are not Native Americans to racially exclusive tribal courts, potentially violating the 4th Amendment Constitutional rights of American citizens to due process.”
Unfortunately, he is serious folks, but again, I wonder who he holds dear to his heart when espousing such nonsense about the “liberal agenda” and what not. Oh look what Phyllis Schlafly had to say on the subject in 2011: “The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), now up for reauthorization, is in major need of revision. Its billion-dollar-a-year price tag spent by the radical feminists to pursue their ideology and goals (known as feminist pork) … VAWA should be subject to rigorous auditing procedures in order to curb waste and fraud and to establish accountability.” http://townhall.com/columnists/phyllisschlafly/2011/07/12/violence_against_women_act_must_be_rewritten/page/full
I’ll give you a hint—feminism and liberal are interchangeable in Tommy’s book of games. Just ask him and watch him run like a “little girl” cause’ he knows I am right. I dare say, my five year old “female” child has more kahunas than him.
Here are a few examples of the VAWA really does:
VAWA has improved the criminal justice response to violence against women by:
• holding rapists accountable for their crimes by strengthening federal penalties for repeat sex offenders and creating a federal “rape shield law,” which is intended to prevent offenders from using victims’ past sexual conduct against them during a rape trial; • mandating that victims, no matter their income levels, are not forced to bear the expense of their own rape exams or for service of a protection order; • keeping victims safe by requiring that a victim’s protection order will be recognized and enforced in all state, tribal, and territorial jurisdictions within the United States; • increasing rates of prosecution, conviction, and sentencing of offenders by helping communities develop dedicated law enforcement and prosecution units and domestic violence dockets; (Factsheet: The Violence Against Women Act)
I have to ask. Does any of that sound like a “liberal” agenda to you? How about feminist pork?
Tom Cotton and Phyllis Schlafly are so similar in their thinking, writing, and actions, I suggest we play a little game. Can the reader tell who wrote what? Was it Cotton? Was it Schlafly? Who knows! They sound the same don’t ya think? “Feminists who allegedly speak for women should attack divorce, not its effects. If men have easy access to divorce, many will choose it thoughtlessly. Being married makes a man care more about his family’s expectations and future because he sees his family as enduring. It also makes him more faithful and committed to his partner. It’s true that women who have found men who are already better partners are more likely to marry them, but it’s also true that marriage settles men down.They may not gain true happiness with their new trophy wives, but they certainly will not slide into the material indigence and emotional misery that awaits most divorced women. If restrained, however, men can fulfill women’s deepest hopes.” (Ms. Tommy Schlafly)
Oh shucks, I would tell you, but I’ll just let this stew for a bit, while I await my knight and shining armor to arrive, so he can fulfill all my hope and dreams while beating me to a bloody pulp because there is now a ban on no fault divorce laws. Likewise, Ms. Schlafly most recently enlightened us all in regards on how not to get raped: GET MARRIED. But wouldn’t you know. Cotton suggests the same. If only women would stay in bad marriages enduring psychological and physical abuse they could avoid the pitfalls of poverty because divorce is the root of our money shortage. Not that women are paid less, not that some men do not pay their child support, not that high paying, truly, family friendly employment doesn’t exist, not that our country is the only industrialized nation not to offer maternity leave, not that women lack quality access to affordable childcare, not that women lack access to affordable birth control so they can control their reproductive lives, not that they are burdened with tremendous student loan debt, not that rape, domestic abuse and patriarchal hammers beat women down, and not that the top one percent is robbing our country and our sisters blind. Nope. None of that has anything to do with the poverty level of single women.
And much to my chagrin, Cotton’s voting record does not reflect a solution for any of the aforementioned problems. Instead, he recommends that women “defend these men against feminism, but also demand that all other men accept the lifelong nature of marriage.” The audacity is overpowering isn’t it, and the uncanny similarity to Ms. Schlafly is in fact, nauseating, although Tommy “know nothin’ bout’ women” creates the same symptoms for me—frequently.
Further, and on a different note, if one wants to get technical about plagiarism, I must explain that if a writer uses more than three words in a row, the author must put quotes around it and give credit to the writer, but there is also another rule. When one bases their entire article around the premise of another person’s intellectual property, the writer must credit that author. When reading “Promises and Covenants,” it is quite clear where Cotton got his material, so not only does he not respect women, but he steals from them while telling them to stay at home, make babies, and clean house. How is that for gallantry? Please take the time to read this tom-foolery, not pun intended. http://www.thecrimson.com/article/1997/10/3/promises-and-covenants-pmen-are-simple/
Now, besides the intellectual theft issue, there is that sick notion that Tom Cotton actually believes that women have babies in order to receive SNAP benefits. Single mothers everywhere understand what an utter joke this is, but it isn’t funny. Not. One. Bit. And quite frankly, Tom Cotton should be ashamed of himself for ever writing such a monstrous and untrue statement, yet he is eerily quiet on the subject and when a columnist at the Democratic Gazette asked for a comment regarding all these “brilliant” essays, his communications manager brushed him off with a shameful but joking tone. “Like,” what Cotton wrote in college was irrelevant, but actually it isn’t. In fact, it reflects his voting record of today. Therefore, it would be nice, if Justin Brasell would answer the question. Why does Cotton vote the same way today as what he wrote of yesteryear? And just how much money did Ms. Schlafly’s organization donate to Tommy’s campaign or does she “just” endorse him? I wonder if he has the ovaries to answer, but somehow, I doubt it.
I wish I could say it’s good news but it isn’t… So life update: I just got out of a domestic violence relationship where I was not only strangled on multiple occasions but also raped again… and again… multiple times by him, I’ve also got repressed memories from my childhood coming back to me so that isn’t good.
However good news is the police seem to be taking this news more seriously then they did the prior case when I was 15 but we’ll see..
I feel like I failed at life. Oh may I add he’s on the run on 16 charges and I don’t feel safe at all.
Recently (well two years ago) I moved houses into a smaller house downsizing due to finances.
There is something to be said about picking up and leaving everything behind in a house, the same goes for mental and emotional challenges, and mental health in general.
I kept having to ask myself “what is so bothersome about moving from this house?”
I did not have many good memories there, all in all it was pretty bad.
Though the few good memories I had I wanted to hold on to for dear life.
But was it the memories keeping me hold there? No.
In particular was it the good memories?
Most definitely not.
It was the way the stairs creaked, so I’d knew how to not wake my parents, it was the way the lock locked, and which way the wall pointed to my bed.
It was that feeling of comfortability. The same thing can be said about trauma.
We get stuck in this comfort. The idea that yes I may be hit or abused or raped, but at least I’ll know how it feels.
It is not trauma that makes us insane. It’s realizing what happened was never normal.
When I was assaulted multiple times by this man, I wasn’t affected all that much, sure the physical aspect had me sore to the point where it hurt to sit down, and the bruises ached.
Yet as long as I held onto that denial I was okay.
Because I developed a comfort in knowing what had happened.
Healing is hard because whether you suffered sexual, physical, emotion or all of the abuse combined you are not only going to have to recognize what happened to you is wrong.
But you are going to have to come to grips and embrace the discomfort that comes along with that realization.
(While I tried to include the most helpful resources I could here (i.e., resources that lend themselves to one-on-one communication, individual reading, etc.), there are plenty of other great resources, including regional resources, listed in these links. Some of the resources are specific to men and others aren’t, but they are all helpful for male survivors.)
**Male Survivor (regional, international, and online resources)
“An abuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives—focused on how he feels, so that they won’t focus on how he thinks, perhaps because on some level he is aware that if you grasp the true nature of his problem, you will begin to escape his domination.”
— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
It really is so insulting the way people act like survivors should be able to sever all emotional connection and empathy from their partner the second they behave abusively, because it’s not how human emotions/attachment works and it’s not how traumatic bonding works.
Instead of the “if a man ever did that to me I wouldn’t put up with that” ask yourself “what if someone I trusted completely, who was struggling with something serious in their life, who I lived with, harmed me and then apologized profusely and cried and promised they’d never do it again?” If you can picture immediately walking away from— not a hypothetical person— someone you trust right now if that situation happened, then you’re in the minority.
And also- when, after abuse, survivors DO walk away from friendships and relationships the first time there’s even the hint of harm, then people shame us for “black-and-white thinking” or “self-sabotage” and imply we’re damaged, but then if we don’t do that and get abused again then it’s our fault cause we should know better
Folks really need to have more empathy for how emotionally complex abuse is. It’s not the same kind of trauma as a stranger assaulting you on the street. It’s someone who will cry after they hurt you and it will take months or years to realize that wasn’t about actual remorse but was so you felt selfish if you ever complained about their treatment of you and so you would comfort them and swallow your own pain.
It is not survivors’ fault for being compassionate or not compassionate enough or too forgiving or not forgiving enough— it’s abusers’ fault for abusing. There is no “you should have___” because I guarantee somewhere a survivor tried that exact thing and it didn’t save them. There is no way to win in a dynamic where someone has control over you.
It doesn’t matter what you think you would do, because when you’re in it, it doesn’t feel like “I’m being abused” it feels like “I’m the only one who can help this extremely troubled but ultimately well-meaning person who wants to be better” and the latter feeling is much harder to just walk away from than you’d ever imagine
I wish I could have went into more detail for you all.
Thank you to the followers who have stuck with me through the years all 1,600 plus of you, I’ve lost some but the ones who have stayed I appreciate you.
On top of him doing all of this to me he also called me a “savage” due to my Native ancestory. And gaslighted me pretty badly.
Wow. This South Carolina state senator, who strongly opposes a bill that would make it more difficult for convicted domestic abusers to arm themselves, also had this to say about women this week.
Johnny ruined his own life by becoming an abuser. They’re both toxic people, but what a surprise the man is getting the support while the woman takes 100% of the blame. And by surprise I mean that’s how it always is.
Hollywood has protected pedos for decades. Burton Stu will live. He’ll probably get more love than ever thanks to his insane fans defending him now.
Funny how they’re suddenly “both” toxic people, now that he has brought forth evidence that she abused him.
Because in the beginning it was him and him alone that was the abuser and Heard was nothing but a poor wittle victim that never did anything wrong, ever. And that was even though the only thing she ever brought forth were some pictures of her magically disappearing bruise with a quirky instagram filter slapped on, and some statements by her besties (that got to live for free in an apartment because of her) and her sister. All of which could be thrown into question, by simply comparing them to evidence photos (and screenshots from a talkshow), the fucking apartment floor plan, or simply to each other.
> but what a surprise the man is getting the support
Yeah, nice try, but I still remember when the news of her restraining order first broke. Every fucking news outlet sided with her, as did the vast majority of people on social media. She got heralded as a brave saint for coming forward with her accusations and even got some bullshit ambassador title awarded. You couldn’t even point out the magically disappearing bruise without being called a misogynist or an abuse apologist. (Even moreso daring to point out that out of the two, shewas the one with a history of being violent to a spouse.) One girl on this hellsite here posted a picture to show how fucking easy it is to fake that bruise with some eyeshadow and she got tonsof harrassment for it. Mentioning that they’re probably bothabusers was verboten as well back then. Like I said in the beginning that particular twist was onlyallowed after him bringing forth evidence.
in the wake of the Depp/Heard trial’s presence becoming a nearly inescapable anywhere on the internet, please try extra hard to be kind to yourself. if you know that it’s bad for you to keep reading, please keep scrolling & block any tags people are using for this garbage. i’ll be leaving this here then disengaging too.
last night i reached a breaking point after accidentally getting into a conversation with my roommates about what purpose it serves as a publicized event. people either seem to be taking sides in what they see as a soap opera or taking the “mature, detached” approach of denouncing any real-world effect. this isn’t just celebrity drama. this is something that will deeply effect the way we look at both domestic violence and mental health. after years of academic research on personality disorders & years of following the personal experiences of people with personality disorders, as well as learning to manage my own bpd symptoms, reading the misinformation that’s being reported is so heartbreaking
here’s what happened & why it’s scary:
•mental illness has once again been used in a court of law to not only support abuse accusations, but also to delegitimize the opponent’s testimony
•the specific mental illnesses in question are all Cluster B personality disorders (BPD & HPD for Amber, NPD for Johnny), some of the most historically misunderstood & stigmatized disorders in the entire field of psychology
•it’s already very difficult to find professional help that isn’t dehumanizing - it just got harder (therapists often flat out refuse to treat people diagnosed or suspected of having a personality disorder)
•this is many people’s first time hearing these terms - abusiveness is now an inherent connotation
things to remember:
•throwing around the words “borderlines” or “narcissists” instead of “people with BPD/NPD” reduces a person to a diagnosis & reinforces stereotypes
•turning psychiatric terms into adjectives & using them in phrases like “narcissistic/borderline abuse” is the same as describing someone’s behavior as “bipolar” or “schizo” when it negatively affects you - it’s demonizing & ableist
•linking a particular style of abuse to a mental disorder allows anyone to look at an abuser and diagnose them with a mental disorder
•it also allows anyone to look at someone with a mental disorder and assign them the status of an abuser
•people (not diagnoses) are responsible for their actions & the effects of those actions
•diagnoses do not dictate personal ethics
•no one is a bad person because of their diagnosis or a good person despite it
•any type of abuse can be perpetrated by anyone, neurodivergent or neurotypical
•every person is different - celebrities in a disturbing legal battle are NOT the faces of personality disorders or really anything else that the general population should relate to
•this will continue to be an incredibly triggering topic for some people with a history of abuse, people with a personality disorder, & especially people with both
•people with personality disorders are much more likely to be abused than neurotypical people (certain symptoms + neurodivergence in general put us at greater risk) - not all of us are victims of abuse, but the majority are (sources below)
•please be sensitive & respectful - we’re humans too & feeling like our existence is being criminalized is really upsetting
•please educate yourself before you speak on the experiences of neurodivergency - bias is nearly unavoidable but it’s also pretty easy to detect even if academic resources are too dense for you
I’ve received a few questions about splitting & decided to make a post answering them!
Here u go:
What is splitting?
Splitting is a borderline reaction to something scary that results in deeming something or someone entirely bad or evil.
What causes splitting?
By “scary”, I mean something that threatens an idealization. For example, if someone I idealize as entirely safe, good, perfect, says something that hurts or disgusts me, they have betrayed the concept I have constructed of them, and I now see them as the diametric opposite.
Is splitting permanent?
No, not necessarily.
If given a reason to reverse the split, for example the same person goes out of their way to provide care or affection, the split may be reversed. If not, the split will likely fester and swell, cementing as a permanent hatred. Some splits are too deep to reasonably repair.
Can you split on things as well as people?
Yes.
While borderlines invest our most powerful emotions in people and interpersonal relationships, splitting on non-people is also possible. For example, if I am excited for a new job, then something goes wrong or is too challenging, I can go from loving to hating the experience almost instantaneously. If a city seems inviting and interesting at first, then a negative quality is revealed, I can go from loving where I am to hating where I am. If I develop an emotional attachment to an object, then the object is spoken about with hatred by a person I respect, I will often discard the object entirely.
Do borderlines need to act upon a split?
Of course not.
DBT is the overall most effective therapy for personality disorders, and one of its core lessons is the detachment of emotion from reaction. Self-control is difficult, but crucial. It is the greatest power you can develop against your disorder.
How does it feel to split?
For me, splitting is a panicked rush of betrayal that leads into feelings of hurt, anger, and revulsion. Splitting makes me incredibly upset, and often leads to panic attacks.
What are your personal experiences with splitting?
I split on my boyfriend almost every day, if not multiple times a day. I have never consistently argued with anyone except for him, probably because he is the most aggressive person I have ever allowed into my life. Every split is quickly reversed, which only exacerbates the stress and confusion. I’m really not sure if it’s getting any easier, but I’ve decided that this relationship is worth it.
I recently moved to a new city and reconnected with a friend who lives nearby. I was so happy to be physically close to them, since we had been emotionally close for so long, and I ended up spending a lot of time with them, expecting a best-friendship. However, my boyfriend didn’t like some of their behaviors, and even though he says he does like them, several angry tirades about some behavior at our house have caused me to split on them. I want to cut them off entirely, because now I can’t think of them beyond those negative words, but I’ll control myself and let it fizzle out politely. It honestly sucks, since I WANT to keep liking them so badly, and their behavior didn’t even bother me personally.
One of my worst fears is that someone I care about could split on me,because I know just how deep that hatred runs.
This is one of the best posts on splitting I’ve seen
Looking back on old posts now & this one, in retrospect, needs some edits. The last answer in particular makes me really sad since I now view that year-and-a-half relationship as the one that did the most damage to me.
All feelings serve a purpose and indicate a need that is either being met or unmet. Please don’t overlook or dismiss them. It takes a long time to unlearn the conditioning that feelings are silly or useless or irrational, but please try. Even if your reaction doesn’t neccessarily match the situation, even if your resulting behaviours are unjustified, the emotion is coming from a real place and it is crucial to explore what that is.
Splitting is essentially a mechanism of emotion, and therefore needs to be validated. It’s a coping mechanism hardwired into our brains to protect us, whether in theory or practice.
Splitting on anyone in your life every day cannot function as a part of any healthy relationship. If your triggers are being activated repeatedly, it’s your responsibility to clearly communicate your boundaries. If those boundaries are then intentionally or negligently violated repeatedly, if those triggers continue to be activated, that is emotional abuse. Please get out. Patience is important, self-discipline is important, tolerance and acceptance are important, but none of those skills can be practiced when you’re in a constant state of agitation caused by someone else’s lack of consideration.
I wish I had validated the emotions behind my splitting further and analyzed what was happening to me instead of writing them off purely as a counterproductive products of mental illness. If I had seen my constant splits as red flags, I could’ve saved myself nearly two years of hell and all the time spent healing from it.
To learn more about the harms of “Fifty Shades of Grey”, please visit our page on this topic and The National Center on Sexual Exploitation’s page on it:
Many thanks and well done to Stop Porn Culture, the London Abused Women’s Centre and the National Center on Sexual Exploitation (formerly Pornography Harms) for their important efforts in creating, running or sponsoring this vital effort! Please like and support their Facebook pages, Twitter accounts and their other social media accounts and efforts as well!
~ Special thanks to the National Center on Sexual Exploitation for creating the graphics in this post and many other great ones like it for this campaign. You can find ALL the helpful graphics at the 50 Dollars not 50 Shades Facebook page, or at the page below by NCSE. We encourage you to share all of them!
It’s encouraging that the links between pornography and domestic violence are getting some much deserved exposure, with some helpful solutions being proposed!
[SMH.com] — The Men’s Referral Service manager Nathan DeGuara said there was a strong correlation between pornography and domestic violence.
“Pornography sets up the expectations of what a man should expect from a woman. Pornography is typically about men doing whatever is it is they want to do to women.”
He said the service, which offered confidential telephone counselling for men with violent urges, often received calls about domestic violence stemming form unrealistic sexual expectations.
And these were often created by pornography.
READ THE REST OF THIS EXCELLENT ARTICLE AT THE LINK BELOW: (And please don’t forget to like, comment and share to spread the word and support the cause. Thanks!)
