#widow psa
I really don’t feel like talking about the sad stuff anymore sooooooo
My ass has actually worked on something all last night.
I hope you guys are excited for the next chapter of Beauty & The Beast, which should be coming out within the next hour, so look out for it!
Because I am
If you want/need to catch up, here are the links for all the chapters but I will be reblogging the last one <3
I didn’t want to make a very long ass post so I decided to make this into two parts.
This part I guess explaining more in depth with other reasons why I wasn’t here for the time being.
To start it off with, ever since the death of my uncle my motivation for writing or really doing anything plummeted towards hell. I didn’t want to write, go on any of my social medias, nor did I want to even think about Marvel (he was big into the Marvel films and I would watch them with him).
Along with that I didn’t see a lot of interest in my writing. Either it became boring to me or to you guys. I began to think that there was no reason as to why I should be writing these stories because no one wants to see them. So my mind being the way it was at that time decided that I shouldn’t waste my time on something I clearly love to do and wanted to share with everyone when I felt as no one appreciated it.
Yes I saw some show interest in what I do but it was very hard to have that motivation when I would see everyday that my writing barely got anyone excited or screaming like it use to do.
To add with it, I feel as somethings became toxic while on here. Sometimes I would see drama where as I feel like there shouldn’t have been any at all, along with the hate messages I would receive. I didn’t make this account to basically be back in high school with all this bullshit hate.
All I wanted to do was create stories for everyone to enjoy and maybe escape from reality with. Nor do something because I feel like I am forced into doing so; I was stressing about not getting things out in time or not making people happy because my writing isn’t to their standards.
My writing is exactly what I say it is, MY WRITING.
I appreciate the advice when I might have a spelling error or grammatical fuck up, but english is a hard language and I didn’t always have to speak english nor was I always raised in an english speaking household.
So, to make it short, I want to keep writing for myself to enjoy along with everyone else. But my motivation is also tied in with others giving feedback.
I cannot promise to post a new story everyday nor every few days but I will try my best. Because I do want to create, I want to make this into something we all can still enjoy without the hatred mixed within.
I hope everyone has a good rest of the day/night.
With tons of love,
Widow
I really don’t know what to say, I come back and then leave without an explanation as to why I left.
I stopped talking to many of my friends I have met on here and in real life and I am beyond sorry for it. I cannot fathom the thought of how I left without saying anything and I breaks my own heart that I didn’t do shit for so long.
That I went without even letting anyone know I was alive still or if I’m okay. And to anyone, even if you care or not anymore, I am so damn sorry for letting you guys worry or be left in the dark. It’s unforgivable and I can’t express still how sorry I am.
I guess some updating on life’s current situations would be nice.
As everyone or most of you know, my uncle had passed away from stage four lung cancer last October. With that my aunt and cousin moved in with us since family needed to stick together…
During that time I was working two jobs, never really having any days off, the time I did have was spent either helping take care of my grandparents or being a provider for everyone else in my household.
I didn’t have time to do what I wanted nor take care of myself. I had started to get more sick physically and mentally. The loss of someone I love was taking it’s toll on me more, I started to do bad things to forget the pain I was feeling.
The stress of everyday life was becoming to be too much for me to handle. I will be completely frank and say that I had done a stupid decision as to where no one would be able to see my living, breathing face again. Lets just say that I failed at succeeding with what I wanted to do with myself.
Yet as I was struggling for my inner demons to quiet down, something that I thought wouldn’t have happened for a second fucking time, decided to show it’s ugly face.
My aunt that was living with us had been diagnosed with cancer for the third time. It was unbelievable, why would this happened to a loving person for a third fucking time.
It was for months I would lay awake hearing her cry, get sick, and pray for healing. Months of no answers from someone that is suppose to heal the ones that believe and love. Months that my cousin had to stay in the same fucking room to hear his mother practically dying.
No one knew what to do, my parents and I decided to try our best and keep taking care of 8 people (not including ourselves).
Months kept passing and my aunt wasn’t getting any better, her chemo was making her more and more sick and everyone just kept standing by the sidelines.
She had gotten so bad in March that she had to be hospitalized. My aunt stayed in that hospital for weeks, she couldn’t move or leave the room for anything.
It was finally in mid April that she decided to leave, it was against medical advice, but she wanted to go back home in New Mexico, let it be known I live in Virginia. She was not able to take a plane, she would have to make a road trip that could take her life.
She left a few days after she told us she was leaving. My aunt didn’t make it to New Mexico until the end of April, beginning of May.
While we all were in VA we didn’t know what was happening to her. She apparently was not getting the treatment needed in NM, so she left for Nevada.
Unbeknownst to us she wasn’t getting treatment this entire time, she was getting worse by the passing day…
It was too late, the doctors in Nevada said she waited too long.
She passed away May 30th, it has been exactly two weeks since her passing.
I truly do not know what to do with myself.
But I do know she had encouraged me to continue with my dreams. The days/nights I would stay awake with her and have our talks about dreams will never leave my mind.
I don’t know why I decided to finally come back, to give this update, or to even still be here breathing.
But every waking day I will try my hardest to not give up.
I cannot promise that I will be here everyday, nor can I promise I’ll be okay, but I will try my hardest to be there as much as possible.
For my friends that I feel as I have abandoned them, I am truly from the bottom of my heart sorry. You will eventually hear from me.
I wish everyone the best of days, please do not let your loved ones think they are not loved.
With much love,
Widow
I know, it’s been a long time coming for this post. And before I get into what I have to say, I have to apologize for disappearing right after a return. Life sometimes gets to you and the grasp it has is never relenting.
Honestly, I have no idea where to start, I have so much to say but in reality it’s just a big jumble within my head.
I left so unexpectedly at the end of July, no word or say in the matter and I am so, so sorry for not contacting anyone. To all my friends and acquaintances, it was a major dick move of me and I wish I did it differently.
Either many of you, or very little know that I started working at the beginning of summer (thank god). I normally joke about what I do for a living, but waitressing takes a lot out of a person. And this person right here (me) I consider myself a strong advocate for being an introvert and not wanting to spend so much time with people.
I work 3 to 4 days every week, that not including covering for others and having to watch over two elderly grandparents. Both of it, though I love my grandparents, it’s straining and it leaves me depleted at the end of the day.
At the beginning of August, I had to start thinking about college more, my schedule consisted of working, watching over grandparents, studying to get into college, AND helping siblings get ready for the next school year.
This was going on for the entirety of the month, I simply had no time to write or even get on here to communicate with everyone.
September, we all know the Green Day song, Wake Me Up When September Ends, that basically summarizes how I felt during that month.
I don’t like talking about it, I will be frank and say I still don’t want to believe it. That none of this is real and it’s all just a dream…
My dearest friend and supporter.. Was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer, along with it, he battled with HIV, AIDS, COPD, and to be honest, there were more cancers I didn’t even know about in his body…
The doctors said that he had 2 to 10 days left on this Earth.
My uncle, he decided for a DNR, do not resuscitate. It broke our hearts knowing that if and when the time came… He wouldn’t want to be brought back. But we understood that if they did try to resuscitate him, it would break all of his bones.
He lived past those 10 days, only to pass away near the end of October.
For the entirety of that month, my family and I had to endure planning, packing, and grieving. It has been about two weeks since his passing and it still hurts.
I miss him and I couldn’t stand being on here when I couldn’t even fathom the universe still..
Throughout these past few months as well with everything happening, I feel my mental health struggling as the seasons change. Everything is a struggle as my health has still not gotten the help its needed. I wish the terms of being here were different but it sadly isn’t.
But I have a lighter note, friends that have been there for me when really no one was. I don’t get to see them, and I’ve only had the pleasure to meet one once so far.
I want to thank @crying-over-supersoldiers or known as @missnerdiness throughout my blog, she’s been a saint with me this entire time and I can’t thank her enough.
I also want to thank @luluisapenguin because she’s been there as well for me even when I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone.
These two ladies are beyond amazing and I couldn’t have had the greater pleasure of honestly having them as two of my closest friends. I love them to pieces and appreciate that they have been so patient with my stubborn ass.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
And I guess in terms of writing and posting, all I can say is that I will try, I will try my damnedest to be here and post. Because I love it, I honestly love sharing my ideas and thoughts with you all. But I do have something for you all at the end of the day, we all need some cheering up after this damn election.
To end this, I want to say that I will try to start messaging back everyone and answering what asks I do have. Please, be patient with me in this time.
Again, thank you to the two lovely gals up there and thank you to everyone that has stayed with me (and my stubborn ass).
~Widow
Guess who’s going to actually work on requests and not give up?
This girl
Yea man
So quick little, blurp I guess, I am finally going to catch up on requests, I have found the rest of the asks I’ve received and I can assure everyone, I already have EIGHT requests in the works, as in I’ve done my notes and plot workings and all I have to do it type them.
So I promise, to be getting those out within the next few days, or at least one or two of them.
Thank you again guys for sending them in, I am again so sorry that it’s been so long since I’ve been on here.
I ALSO PROMISE TO REPLY TO THE REPLIES FROM TODAY, TOMORROW
Much love, from my tired ass,
Widow
