#writingofbabalon

A while back, Anon asked me: Hello, I wanted to thank you for, and ask something about, your subs who fight back post. It was great to see. I’m new to learning about D/s and trying to learn more about what it means to be a Dom and since I’ve always liked strong women it’s wonderful to know I wouldn’t be giving that up if I wanted to explore a relationship with a sub in the future. So I’d like to know how you handle a situation like that where the sub fights you?

So this was the post that this question is a reaction to. It was a post I got a lot of feedback about, of which I’m very glad, as I think it’s an issue that does need more discussion, and should be more generally understood in the D/s community.

In essence, subs get angry, they get pissed off, they fight, they object, they complain, they resist. This does not mean they are bad submissives, does not mean they aren’t ‘real’ submissives, does not mean they don’t respect their Dom, does not mean they don't want to be in exactly the position they are complaining about. It’s way more complicated than that. And the image of the perfectly mute, happy, dripping and smiling subby girl from much D/s literature is not realistic for most submissive’s experiences most of the time.

But I had to take some time to think about this question and how best to answer it, because it’s complicated. What is the best way for a Dom to deal with the kind of anger a sub will throw at them? The trouble is, the best answer I can give is 'it depends’. 

But that’s not very helpful, so let’s get into it a bit deeper.

Let me start with the kind of position that I’m in - I’m in a well established relationship with a sub I know well, understand well, and whose needs I think I understand. In that case, the way I deal with the fact that she gets angry with me when I abuse her is pretty simple - I stand firm. I remain absolutely confident and clear in the fact that I know the kind of experiences she likes (or perhaps needs, given that she tends to only like them in retrospect) and I push on, taking her through what I have decided to take her through. If she gets angry with me I do not get angry with her, I never lose my temper, I remain completely in control of myself and my emotions at all times. (In fact, she has noted that the quieter I get, the more still I become, the more cold my emotions become, then probably the bigger trouble she’s in. If I’m icy, she’s going to suffer… and that’s when the real fear begins).

However, I do have to read the situation, and read it carefully. I have to still make a judgement that carrying on is the right thing to do. I can’t assume. There are certain key phrases I listen out for, that may indicate that things are not playing out in the way I intended. For instance, if I hear her say “You’re not being fair” then I will certainly pause and consider - yes, I can torment her and make her suffer, but if I were doing something unfairly… that might be an issue. But then, I also know that she can be very manipulative, she will try to take control away from me when she’s upset, so sometimes she will just say things to try and get a reaction.

Some subs battle for control (and, by the way, in my experience you’re going to have no trouble finding submissives who are also strong women. Most of the submissives I’ve known are amongst the most confident and impressive girls I’ve ever met). I would generally say that losing your temper or becoming angry gives them a sense of taking control back from you - they are provoking a reaction from you, they are making you be different to how you were. I won’t let that happen. I will keep my calm and I will proceed with complete dedication to my task. I will show, above all else, that I’m in control and I get to do exactly what I want.

But - and here’s the key, the thing that makes all the difference - whatever was said and whatever I did I will always return to it after the scene. I will always ask what was going on with her, how she felt, why she felt the way she did. We have conversations of the kind that go “You know when you said you hated me, that you didn’t want this, that this was the last thing you were in the mood for, and it was wrong of me to expect you to deal with what I was doing to you… How do you feel about that now?” The answer will usually be “I’m really sorry I said that, but you were being horrible… But I’m glad you didn’t stop.”

Another good question to ask is “When I stopped, how did you feel?” You’ll be surprised, early on, how often you hear “A bit disappointed” rather than “Relieved”. A sub will quite often want to tell you “I could have taken more you know…” Even if, at the time, they were screaming blue murder and telling you over and over and over again to stop…  Hearing that, being told on different occasions that the right thing for you to do was to keep control and keep pushing on, gives you the confidence to do just that. 

A good submissive will also, often, say “You know it’s okay if you make a mistake and you do take it too far sometimes? I’d rather risk that than have you worrying all the time and not doing what you want to do to me.” For submissives reading this - this is a wonderful thing to hear from a sub. Doms worry a lot about doing too much, about making a mistake - being told that it’s okay, that if we get something wrong and hurt you more than we intended, we’ll be forgiven, is a really, really good thing to hear. It frees us up to experiment more… If you’re confident you can deal with the occasional 'bad’ experience (as in a *bad* bad experience, rather merely the usual 'bad experience I need’ bad experience) tell your Dom it’ll be okay… He’ll still probably be very careful not to make mistakes, but that extra confidence he gets will help the scenes a great deal.

Knowing your submissive is key, understanding them is key. Which is what brings up the 'it depends’ part of my answer. I’ve been playing with my girl for years, and we have spent hours and hours and hours talking about D/s, and her submission. I know that I should expect anger when I hit her, and I know what to do about it. However, if I were dealing with a new submissive… then I couldn’t be so sure. If I was playing 'casually’, or for the first time, then I couldn’t be as confident in my 'read’ on anger. In those circumstances - I’d be much more inclined to back off a little, to not push past the emotion until I was sure, really sure, what was going on underneath. Maybe that anger was because they felt I was pushing past a limit unfairly, maybe because they felt I hadn’t 'warmed them up’ in the right way, maybe because they thought I wasn’t Doming them in 'the right way’. I might be blameless in every case, but with a new submissive… it would be hard to be sure, and caution might be the best policy.

I do tend towards caution with new girls. This may mean that, at first, they are a little disappointed that I don’t completely and utterly overwhelm them, break them, push them through unbelievable trials… particularly if they’re read this blog. But hey - I’d rather be cautious and not risk damaging them, that way they’ll come back… And then, when I know how to read them, then I’ll push them into the abyss.

Caution isn’t a terribly cool quality for a Dom to have - but it’s still a good one. It’s okay, in fact encouraged, to learn a bit more about your submissive before you face them down. If you fear they are losing respect for you, or that they don’t like the fact that you aren’t pushing them hard enough, then explain that it is their role to help you understand them, their needs, and their reactions. Encourage them to talk more about their desires and experiences, or to write you letters describing their needs. Then, when you’ve 'got it’, beat the hell out of them so that they never, ever, suggest you aren’t extreme enough again…

The gift we give submissives is complete loss of control. We take them to a point where they can no longer control their reactions, their emotions, their words, or themselves. At that point, all manner of stuff is going to come pouring out of them - a huge amount of emotions, upset, misery, anger, and all kinds of stuff. As Doms, we must learn to deal with that emotion - create a space for it, allow it to be, and not be affected by it.

That last part is key - not be affected by it. We must not allow ourselves to be deflected from what is right by the emotions of a sub (because otherwise they take control back, they know they can manipulate us, they know they can make us stop… which means they are no longer submitting) and we must keep ourselves safe from those emotions. Being hated in the moment, being on the receiving end of the full force of another’s fury, being told what we are doing is wrong, horrible, unacceptable, that we’ve made a mistake, is really, really hard to deal with. It’s why Doms must learn to deal with their own 'stuff’ (their insecurities, fear of conflict, etc.) and must learn to develop real self assurance and self confidence. It’s why Doms must learn to separate the emotion of the moment from the actual reality underneath.

The best way to do this is to talk to submissives. Talk to anyone you play with. Always re-visit scenes afterwards and find out what was really going on, what the truth behind the tears and anger was. Learn to read your submissive, and constantly seek to discover more about their needs, desires, fantasies, and the reason they are compelled to submit.

Yesterday I took a journey to pay tribute to someone who I feel is a spiritual ancestor in the whole business of decadent, perverted, pleasures.

Girls tend to fall on a spectrum between passive and active in bed.  This is a very different thing to the spectrum from submissive through to dominant.  At the far extreme of the passive we find the loathed ‘pillow princess’ - the girl that turns up and expects it to be all about her, believes that she can basically lie there and have things done to her and that her reactions, if she can express them, and access to her body are sufficient to please anyone she’s with. 

At the active end of the spectrum we find girls who… well, the only way I can think to express it is to say that they show initiative. They don’t just wait for things to happen, they initiate things, invent things, come up with creative ways of generating new pleasure.

I find it incredibly frustrating if a girl mistakes passivity for submission. Admittedly there are some situations where a submissive can’t do anything but experience what is happening - if she’s tied up and gagged there’s not an awful lot she can do. But not all scenes involve this and an entire relationship never does. A submissive should have plenty of opportunity to be creative, to initiate pleasure for her Dom, or to work out some new action or reaction that would please him.  A sub with initiative can think of new things to say, new ways to dress, new ways to offer herself, new ways to surprise her Dom with pleasures designed to appeal specifically to his kinks or preferences or tastes.

The sub who just turns up and waits for things to happen, who always waits to be taken, who always waits to be told what to do… she’s a very dull creature, who I will have little time for.

The first girl who really delighted me with her initiative was one I met online.  This was back in the early days of the internet, when it still creaked and the buzz of the modem had become erotic through Pavlovian conditioning.  We ran into each other online, we chatted, we clicked, we discovered we had a similar desire for erotic adventure… then got to do that wonderful thing of getting to know each other extremely well before actually meeting in the flesh.  There were weeks of erotically charged emails and online chats, weeks to get comfortable with each other, weeks to understand each others tastes and desires before we got to put them into action.  Weeks to build up one hell of an erotic charge that was just desperate to ground itself through some hot, filthy, sex.

When we finally met she didn’t disappoint - she was beautiful, all long blonde hair, big blue eyes, a deliciously curved body, wonderful company…  And, hell, she reallyliked to fuck.

She was the first girl I fucked who really surprised me with her initiative and creativity.  About the second time we fucked she was on top of me. I remember she was a 'gasper’ - rather than moaning she would draw her breath in with sharp intakes of breath which she’d then hold for a moment, usually biting her lip, before exhaling suddenly; building up the tension in her body as she was riding herself towards an orgasm.  Her cunt was deliciously tight, and very wet, and she moved on my cock beautifully.  But it was what came next that delighted me - she stopped rolling her hips back and forth, looked down at me, and said “Would you like to feel my arse?”

I don’t think I had a chance to do more than grin wildly before she reached under herself, took my cock out of her cunt, and shifted forwards a little.  Then she sank back down onto me, guiding my cock into her arse.  As she did so she tilted her head back and let out a long “Ahhh…” as she sank down, and then immediately began to ride me again.

But it was what she did next that really won me - she slowed again, gave me a filthy smile, put one hand behind her for support and lent backwards, lifting herself slightly so that her cunt came into view.  With her free hand she reached down and spread her cunt open for me to admire. I could see this deliciously wet cunt, pink and open, and just behind my cock stretching her tight arse. She looked me in the eyes and said “I know you like to look at me,” before smiling again and starting a slow fucking motion that left her very exposed to my gaze.

This showed such wonderful confidence in herself, and her sexuality, that it was breathtaking. The fact she had worked out something that would turn me on and had the confidence to go through with it unprovoked… just remarkable. She had the self assurance to display herself to my gaze and the insight to know that such things are profoundly erotic.

To show initiative takes self confidence - trusting that you can read your partner, trusting that what you have in mind will be pleasurable to them, and trusting that it’s okay to be seen in a profoundly sexual way.

She did it again a week or so later - we were lying naked in some hotel room, pausing for breath mid-fuck I imagine, and talking about the things that pleased us.  I admitted that I’ve always liked having my feet played with - not to a foot-fetish extent, but it’s something that I’ve found to be somewhat more than conventionally enjoyable. She got a thoughtful look on her face, then smiled and slid down to the end of the bed. Initially she just played with my feet a little, stroking them in a very pleasant way, but she clearly had something else on her mind.  This became very clear when she essentially mounted one of my feet - kneeling, she spread her legs and sat downwards on my foot, guiding my toes towards her cunt. She then lent back a little and began to touch herself - running her fingers across her clit as she bucked against my foot.  Very rapidly she made herself come, letting out her usual shrill call as she did so, and grinding herself against my foot, before sagging slightly, then looking up at me through her tousled hair and smiling a 'look what I did’ smile before crawling back up to join me on the bed.

Physically there was no great pleasure in this - a wet cunt on your toes is interesting, but hardly stimulating - but emotionally… again the display of confidence, the initiative, the desire and willingness to do something new and perhaps a little bit strange just because it might turn you on and make you feel something different, something more… now that was amazing.

I’m easy going on matters of fidelity and the ‘rules’ or relationships. I don’t mind if my girls have a past, I rather like it if they’ve done crazy and exotic things, I don’t even object to them getting interested in other people. I approve of a poly lifestyle, as it’s never made sense to me that just because I’m in a relationship with someone that means I can tell them what they can do, where they can go and who they can be with. Freedom is incredibly important to me and I’d never want to restrict the freedom of another - I want them to follow their path, express themselves to the best extent they can. I try to release them gently when it is there time to go and never make undue demands on them when it is their time to be near.  We travel our paths separately, but hope those paths remain close - rather than trying to shackle ourselves together through promises, oaths or rules that mean we can no longer walk forward down any path.

However… as a Dom, things are rather different.

The Dom aspect of my personality has no such liberal and generous feelings, has no such care for the freedom or for the future of others. As a Dom I am deeply possessive. Destructively so. I know part my desire as a Dom is to ruin a girl for all other men. To possess her completely. To smash all her barriers and touch her so deeply inside that no matter where she goes or what she does she will never be 'over’ me; that when I tire of her and send her away a part of her will always belong to me. That no matter how many others she fucks or professes to love, no matter how happy she convinces herself she is, a part of her will always be there, wishing that I would return and reclaim her. This Dom aspect of me is not content with an idle fling, it does not 'play’ - it seeks to possess, to consume, to own utterly and completely. Nothing else is worthy of me.

It is, therefore, deeply infuriating if I find that some other cunt has tried to get there first.

Some years ago I met a girl.  When I met her she was a broken thing. A bitter, twisted shell of a girl.  But it wasn’t hard to see the potential in her, if one only took the time to look.  She was brilliantly clever, eloquent, interesting and interested. She was driven by passion, enthusiasm and ambition. She clearly had a huge capacity to love and a compassion that enveloped those around her. She was also clearly incredibly filthy, erotic and brave. Perhaps it was the filthiness that was uppermost in my mind when I decided she deserved my time and attention.

But she was broken - she had been with a powerful, skilful, Dom who had cared very little for her feelings, or for her own path and learning.  He had gone very deeply into her head, had twisted reality around her according to his whims and had made his extremely self serving stories sound true to her. As a normal everyday person I was sympathetic, we talked, I listened, I helped her pick through her experiences and begin to understand what had happened to her, why and how she could repair her feelings and sense of self, how she could release thoughts and feelings and memories that were tying her down.

As a Dom, however… I couldn’t help but notice how often her mind turned to him, how often our conversations strayed into experiences involving him, how what I would do or have her do would in some small way get compared to him.  This would not do at all.  There is no-one of more importance than me, no-one of any significance compared to me, no past that matters when compared to the present that is me.  I would own her, I would possess her, I would take her entirely.

But to do so I would have to break her entirely.

Fortunately, if one merely paid attention the means to achieving this was not hard to ascertain.  The Belt was mentioned often.  The Belt had been very important.  The Belt was about punishment, control, and ownership.  The Belt could not be wielded by anyone else, because it brought back such powerful feelings and emotions that it made her weep uncontrollably and insist it stopped.

So the Belt was strong - but my belt, in my hands, would be stronger.

I had another girl at the time, so had the great pleasure of having another girl aid me in breaking this new whore.  With her naked I told her I would use my belt on her tonight. She was already asking me not to as I pulled it free of my waist.  But my girl told her that it was my Will, so it was what would happen, and helped persuade her to lie down so I could begin.  I remember her uttering the 'No, no, no…’ chant that comes from her when she’s frightened, but she eventually did as she was being told.  So I began.  I swung the thick leather belt, and it connected with soft flesh.  She jumped and jolted as the crack of it filled the room.  But with my girl holding her in place she did not jump up or go anywhere, so I swung it again.  And again.

I thought it might take some time, but I didn’t realise how long.  I swung the belt again and again.  This new whore often asked me to stop, often tried to get up, but my girl held her, talked to her, told her that it was her place to remain, my Will to have her remain.  I swung again, and again.  She began to cry.  She begged me to stop - proper begging, without restrain.  “I can’t… I can’t… I can’t…” became the new refrain.

But I kept swinging and the leather kept sailing through the air, landing with that satisfying crack.  The belt hit her arse, it hit her back, it hit her thighs.  Her skin went from pale to pink to red to scarlet. A good colour, scarlet.  White welts appeared, but then formed a chaotic grid, then ran into each other so thickly you could hardly see them individually any more - her arse was just scarlet, textured, mottled, flesh.  The room became hot through all the physical exertion, but also hot with emotions - the sobbing, the crying, the begging… my girl’s concern as she would turn to me so the whore could not see and mouth silently “Is she going to be all right?”, which later, as the torment continued and intensified, was simply replaced with her turning to me and mouthing “Fucking hell!”

The heat in the room built.  But I remained cold. There was no anger in me, no broiling passion, just the quiet, perfect focus, of Will.

She sobbed, she cried, she begged. But she did not break.  I have a trick I can do - I look someone in the eyes, then I somehow look behind their eyes. Perhaps this simply kicks my intuition and empathy into overdrive, or perhaps I really can look into their soul, but when I do it I just know. I know what they are feeling, I know where they are in their mind, I glimpse something of their inner life.  So periodically I would stop the beating and I would reach over - take her chin in my hands, raise her up, look into her red, tear filled, eyes and… go deeper.  See where she was in that moment.  And she had not broken - she was still fighting me.  She would not give up, she would not release, she would not surrender and give herself to me.  So I would throw her back onto the bed, disgusted, and begin again.  My girl was pleading with her “Just give him what he wants!” - I think she was asking more for her sake than mine, so uncomfortable was it to see this beating going on and on and on.  But the whore would only answer “I don’t know what he wants!"  So I would hit her again.

I had no sense of time, only of the task in hand, but it had taken a long time.  We were into the early hours as the sobs continued to fill the room, and the crack of the belt continued its erratic rhythm.  Then… I could see a weakening in her.  Deep in her eyes I saw a tower starting to crumble, resolve starting to slip. Everyone breaks eventually. I threw her down again, and applied the belt some more.  I’m not heavily built, but I’m strong, and I know how to hit… very rarely do I come even close to hitting as hard as I can.  But that night I came close - the leather flew again and I slammed it with my strength, and my Will, into her body.

I picked her up again, I looked into her eyes again… it was gone. There was no fight.  She wasn’t protecting anything any more - not herself, not her secrets, not her past, not her stories, not him. There was no comparison any more.  I was all there was. I was all that mattered.  I was the one who owned her.  Completely.

I kissed her - although she could hardly respond to it, through exhaustion and the ache of crying.  I let her go.  I told her, "It’s over now.”

For a somewhat different take on this particular story, you might be interested to look here: http://artofbabalon.tumblr.com/post/9923056852/belts-they-hold-a-very-special-place-in-my-mind

I mentioned in my last post - in answer to a question - that a ‘scene’ (which is the conventional short hand for 'fuck session between a Dom and sub, which is likely to involve some intense physical play and/or psychological play likely to provoke powerful emotions’) can, on rare occasions, go bad.  Any Dom should have their wits about them to make sure that a sub isn’t channeling something unpleasant or experiencing something beyond their current ability to handle safely.  We all have demons, and whilst D/s can be a terrific way to meet those demons and make friends with them, we need to approach that process with wisdom.

But I thought this was worth putting out that a scene can go bad for a Dom too.

Doms, by our nature, like to act pretty invulnerable. We embody strength, self confidence and certainty of action.  This is, by and large, true. But even we can have a bad day. Any good sub ought to understand this, know how to spot if it’s happening and know how to best act to help a Dom through a bad experience if one arises.

The most common expression of this gets the slightly cute name of 'top drop’. That is at the end of a scene, after everything has reached it’s climax and everyone is beginning to relax and wiping themselves down, a Dom can be hit by a wave of depression, melancholy, sadness or even guilt. Being a Dom involves pushing yourself psychologically - putting yourself into an extreme state of mind, breaking through a lot of societies rules, breaking taboos, being, in essence, an evil git. The energy released by the breaking of those rules can be amazing. But sometimes it can spring back at you and slap you around the head. Some part of a Doms mind may begin to whisper “you’re doing a bad thing” or “you’re abusing this girl” or “you’re just sick and this is wrong.” Any number of guilt based expressions may bubble up. Sometimes these strike home and quite rapidly a Doms mood can turn dark and self reproaching.

Fortunately this is easy to deal with if a sub is alert. All a Dom needs in this situation is a hug and reassurance that, yes, the sub loves it, yes, they want to be there, yes, they’re having a great time and yes, they are proud of their bruises/bite marks/scratches/rope burns/come-covered-face. 'Top drop’ is based on the fear that maybe it’s *not* all right to act this way - a Dom just needs to hear that yes, it really is, and to know that everyone is having a good time.

Occasionally a sub will be under the impression that the sub is the only one who gets a hard time during a scene and is the only one needing after-care. Some subs get so high off a scene that they are just bouncing around afterwards and just want to carry on with the rest of their lives with new found energy and enthusiasm. Which is great - but it is absolutely a subs duty to make sure their Dom is doing okay, just as it’s a Doms duty to take care of their sub.  I’ve known Doms end relationships with subs because, whilst they may have been very good subs in scene, they didn’t show an ability to take care of the Dom when he needed it.

D/s opens up powerful, dark, forces in the psyche.  That’s why it’s great. But sometimes those forces burn a little and it can hit a Dom just as much as a sub. We Doms have to operate for most of the time in a world where we aren’t acknowledged as being the gods amongst men that we know we really are (and which fortunately our subs recognise us to be). That means we can get run down, demoralised and worn out, making us more vulnerable to the demons we summon into ourselves. Fortunately any damage those demons do us is easy to fix - but a sub needs to be aware that it can happen, how to spot the signs and what to do if a Dom is starting to fall a little…

…because I’m a nice and generous man.

This girl - let’s call her the ingenue - had had a birthday recently so deserved a treat. I gave her a piece of jewellery for a present, which she was able to unwrap as the table, and which she did look very pretty in.  But then towards the end of the meal I gave her something else as well, which she was a little more uncertain about. I gave her a small vibrating toy.

I then gave her quite clear instructions about what I wanted her to do: to go to the toilet, switch it on, put it in her cunt, then come back down and see me.

The ingenue came down a few moments later looking very hesitant. She shame-facedly said that whilst she’d got it in, it wasn’t switched on because it was ‘too noisy’ and 'too powerful’. I told her that that really wasn’t good enough, and she’d have to switch it on at the table.  She then preceded to squirm around in a rather adorable fashion whilst fishing around between her legs  - trying to do as she was told without attracting too much attention from passing waiters. It took a while, but eventually she had the toy switched on, and inserted. Really, I concluded was she was just making a fuss - the noise of it wasn’t audible at all.

I’d paid the bill, so a couple of minutes later we got up to leave. Now, I should say that this restaurant has a bare, hard wooden floor. As we were walking across the restaurant to the exit, the toy dropped out from between her legs, and hit the floor. Fortunately for her it didn’t roll away, but the buzzing of the device on the wooden floor did produce a wonderfully loud sound that seemed to echo around the building. The look of horror and mortification on the ingenue’s face when she scrabbled around to pick it up again was just delightful…

We left the restaurant with me highly amused and her highly embarrassed, and began walking home. She told me many, many times that she hated me. I don’t actually believe this in the slightest.

After a short walk I stopped her, kissed her, and took the toy back from her before switching it on placing it firmly back where I wanted it to be. We then walked - slightly more slowly - the rest of the way home with it buzzing in her cunt.

It was a nice walk - I took great pleasure in pointing out all the Christmas trees and Christmas lights, the families out for an evenings walk, all of it very lovely.  She seemed slightly less delighted than I was, as she gripped my arm very tightly. I did notice she was physically shaking at times, sometimes having to stop to compose herself before being able to carry on walking, with a delightful, tight-legged stride that she’d developed. I suggested that I pointed out to passers-by why she seemed to be so distressed and why she was walking in a slightly odd way… but she didn’t seem to like the idea, nor that I should invite them to 'check’ on the reason for her apparent discomfort.

But we did make it home without further incident. She seemed rather… relieved… to be back inside alone with me. Although relief at being alone with me is always a risky thing - I’m always rather too inclined to prove why being alone with me should never be assumed to be a situation of safety or comfort.

One of the issues of living alternative lifestyles is that people around you don’t always understand. Okay, this is stating the bleeding obvious, but I’m referring to something particular - I’m very fortunate in that I have a group of friends who are very accepting, very welcoming, very non-judgemental. I know from reading the blogs of others I’m very lucky in this. I am very ‘out’ to my friends about my interests and lifestyle, and they are very warm about all of it, even those bits which they have no interest in exploring themselves. They don’t judge, they support me, they are usually quite curious about what I’m up to and are genuinely pleased that I find fulfilment. However, sometimes there is a gap in understanding, and empathy, and sometimes that’s frustrating…

Poly is one of the areas where I seem to most often come up against the misconception of others. I think the big problems is that people assume they understand poly and how it works, when often they don’t quite get it. When it comes to D/s most people know they don’t get it, so they ask questions, they don’t make assumptions, they wait to be educated.  With poly, however… a lot of it goes unsaid. People make assumptions and think they know how it works.  So, here are a few common misconceptions about poly. Not that my friends read my blog, but I’d like these things more widely understood anyway… and hey, who knows who I’ll be friends with in future.

Poly doesn’t mean that you are free to do anything you want with who you want whenever you want. That’s probably the key difference between a poly relationship and what’s often described as an 'open’ relationship. Poly is about mutual agreement, about a couple choosing who else they might want to see and in what way they want to see them. A couple like us prioritise the stability of our own relationship and make choices about what other kinds of relationships we think we can sustain outside of that, what will work but not distract from us. It doesn’t mean we fuck anyone we meet who we quite fancy. We think about the impact it has on each other, we think about how much time, energy and emotion we have available. We check that we are both okay with what’s going on before going ahead with seeing someone new.

We would also, on the whole, not continue to see a secondary partner that the other person in the main relationship found objectionable - if they seemed disrespectful of the primary relationship or other partner or just seemed like they’d be trouble then we might well call it off. That doesn’t mean we all need to get along perfectly, and it doesn’t mean we stop if it gets a bit tricky, just that we’re open with each other about our feelings, desires and current needs.

Poly is about living in a flexible framework created by mutual agreement with everyone involved - it doesn’t mean you do whatever you want.

Poly doesn’t mean you don’t get jealous. Poly is, in fact, quite hard quite often. Particularly when a new relationship has emerged for one person - it is likely that the other will feel a little uncomfortable or even threatened at times. This tends to decrease with time as things settle into a pattern, but change is always a little alarming. Even when established, sometimes something is said that you find a little uncomfortable or triggering. But the key to poly is how you deal with those feelings. You don’t go 'this hurts me, you should stop doing it’ you go 'this hurts me, how can we work together to stop it hurting?' 

I am quite possessive by nature… fundamentally I suspect I don’t like other people playing with my toys. But I recognise that that isn’t a particularly good part of me, so it’s not one I act on. Therefore, on occasion the idea of the girl seeing her Viking bothers me… but that doesn’t mean I think it’s wrong. I think it's great that she’s having other interesting experiences, and I hope it continues to make her (and the Viking) happy. But sometimes my monkey hind brain fires off a 'bad’ feeling. So I work out how to deal with that.

Ignoring those bad feelings, or pretending they don’t exist, is a terrible plan - you have to find a way to verbalise it, understand it, and deal with it. That process isn’t always easy, but it’s very worthwhile - you become more confident, more self assured, and more certain of yourself as you go along.

Not all poly relationships are the same. Different people look for different things at different times in their life. Some are just looking for a little light sex along with friendship. Some are looking for a deeper emotional connection. Some want to hang out and chat and watch films. Others just want to fuck and go home. Some people want a relationship that will last for years, others are happy to get together a few times and move on.

Poly can accommodate this - as long as everyone knows what the expectations are, and that there’s room to satisfy them. It’s best not to assume that everyone involved in poly relationships is looking for the same thing or operating at the same level. Self-knowledge - knowing both what you want and what you need - is key to running a relationship successfully. That’s worth repeating - it’s not just about what you want, or what you get off on, it’s also about what you need emotionally, physically, and energetically, that means you can be happy, content and fulfilled. 

Stress in a poly relationship doesn’t mean it’s going wrong. Sometimes we have bad days, sometimes we feel run down, sometimes we feel jealous, sometimes we’re just in a bad mood, sometimes we’re feeling threatened. Maybe we appear to be angry or a bit spiky and defensive. This doesn’t mean it’s not working, it just means that it’s being hard today. Maybe it means another conversation is needed. Maybe it means a hug and some reassurance is required. Maybe it means that something has shifted in a way that an insecurity has appeared. It can be fixed.

Please don’t judge it until it’s been worked on. Poly is hard - some days are harder than others. If you catch us on a hard day don’t assume all is bad and things will fall apart. There may, in actual fact, be a very, very good threesome going on just a day later. But on that day… some demons or gremlins have appeared and will need dealing with. It doesn’t mean we aren’t still fundamentally committed to the ideal… it just means we’re having to work harder to make it work than normal.

Pride and status are still important in poly relationships. I think about my girl before I make any decisions about any other girl. To think that I don’t is a bit insulting to me and a bit dismissive of her status in my life. Whilst the idea of fucking any pretty girl that comes across my path is deeplyappealing to me (some days more than others) that’s not something I would act on. I value my main relationship far too much to be cavalier in the way I connect with other people.

'Secondary’ partners aren’t secondary. I deeply value the other girls I see - I think they’re remarkable, fascinating, and delicious. I wouldn’t see them otherwise. Whilst I value my relationship very highly I am not, nor would ever be, dismissive of the life, needs and interests of the other people I see. And I’d expect the girl to treat anyone else she sees in the same way. Not being the main partner in a relationship doesn’t mean not having a voice, doesn’t mean not being important, doesn’t mean not having power or having to 'put up’ with whatever you’re offered, doesn’t mean we won’t try to be there if you need us. Other partners have just as much right to say 'I’m not happy’ as anyone else… have just as much right to say 'I’d like to do X if we can’ as anyone else… Sometimes needs can’t be met as fully as we’d like, but we never, ever, dismiss those needs as not being important. Everyone is important.

I guess there’s a load more I could say - and some of this I could probably say better - but these are some of the common things I’ve come across of late. I’ll repeat my usual point - poly is great. Really great. It’s exciting, thrilling, satisfying, and deeply erotic. But it’s not easy - it requires work, effort, attention and energy. And above all, a commitment to communication and honestly listening to what everyone involved is saying. The fantasy land of just wandering around fucking whoever we wish without any jealousy, consequence or commitment is just that - a fantasy. The reality is more complex - but still very rich and very satisfying.

I do recommend it as an approach - but if you’re considering poly, do educate yourself about it. The more you know, the more you understand, the easier it is to avoid mistakes and pitfalls that can really hurt.

Last night I made the girl scream. 

Not yelp, or screech, or shout… a full blooded, open throated, scream.

Apparently she was determined to convey to me that she wanted me to stop. Asking hadn’t done it. Nor had insisting. Or crying. Or begging. Or sobbing. Or pleading. So she tried screaming.

That didn’t work either.

She wasn’t where I wanted her to be - she hadn’t reached that state yet. 

But I do wonder what the neighbours think… If they could see us, surrounded by candles, her with a heavy, black, chain locking her down to a foot stool, eyes streaming, body shaking, hair falling across face, breath panting as mottled welts emerged on her skin. Me naked, heavy flogger in hand, moving silently around her, waiting to strike again.

People ask me what it’s like to be in that state. It’s so hard to express - and it’s different each time, varies with time and place and person and the energy that’s leading me. This time I knew what was leading me - she had made it clear to me, several times recently, that she didn’t want me holding back. Didn’t want me controlling myself or reining myself in. She didn’t want to feel that there was something I wasn’t showing her, something I didn’t feel able to bring, something I was protecting her from.

So I didn’t hold back.

I knew the fact that I was silent was making it harder for her, knew that reassurance or kind words (even in the midst of a beating) would make her feel calmer and safer. But I didn’t have any words. My mind was silent and calm… any chattering that appeared there was out of place, wasn’t a part of who I was in that moment, and was quickly banished by the greater part of me.

I moved around her - often staying out of her eye-line, as I knew that would make it more frightening, more difficult to cope with, bring the panic on sooner. I had ‘warmed her up’ with the suede flogger a little, but it was the heavy, black, thick leather thongs that would get the real work done. I love the way the smooth wooden handle feels in my hand, and the weight of the tongues cutting the air when I swing it with the strength of my arm. The crack of its impact, the vibration down my arm, and the screech that follows it. 

It wasn’t the next few blows that got her to where I wanted her to be - it was when I took her face in my hands and stared into her eyes. When she knew me in that moment, saw me… she let go, and went to where I was taking her. No resistance, no fight, just acceptance. She was fully open, fully present, there was no fight. The Universe collapsed and there was just her and me, energy and energy, Will and submission.

I hit her again, and she told me she wasn’t feeling pain any more. She said there was no where else for her to go. I believed her, but I hit her again a few more times so she knew, and I knew, that she was speaking truthfully. 

There was no where else for her to go. This journey was over. There were no more tears, no more complaints, no more arguments, no more self pity or pride or fight. She was through to the other side. So the flogger went down, the chains came off, I wrapped her in a blanket and held her… she came back a few moments later, and by then my mind was already full of thoughts and feelings once more…

Then I made hot chocolate (and she wrote this), we sat and drank and chatted and smiled and were together in a way that no one who hasn’t gone to that place really knows… 

This just came to mind…

A while back I was in the happy position of having two subs to play with on a regular basis.  One of them was pretty experienced and I’d been with her for some years (let’s call her sub1), the other was still learning about herself and exploring her submissive side (sub2).

After a little while I realised that the two of them were starting to form a bit of an alliance against me. They were getting very sisterly, helping each other, encouraging each other, making life easier for each other.  This, I thought, shouldn’t continue.

I knew both of them were frightened of my cane because… well, it’s vicious. sub1 had been on the receiving end of it a number of times and hated it, sub2 had never received it but had heard stories and was worried she wouldn’t be able to handle it. I sent them both an email saying that I was in the mood for using my cane, but being a kind and generous Dom I would allow them to choose which of the two of them would receive a particular number of strokes to the particular areas of the body I had in mind (buttocks, thighs, back and soles of the feet).

As I anticipated they came back with a compromise - they wanted to share the punishment, each volunteering to take half of the strokes, but having traded parts of the body between them (sub2 couldn’t bear the idea of being hit on her feet, so offered to take more on the back).

I had separate dates with the two of them and I saw sub2 first.  We chatted, relaxed, got horny and I started turning the conversation towards the upcoming punishment.  She was nervous.  Very nervous.  I did nothing to reduce this, telling her how much this was likely to hurt, and how brave she was being to take half of the punishment given that she was so inexperienced.  I gave the opinion that it actually seemed pretty unfair to me that she was taking half of the punishment when sub1 was so much more experienced, and much more able to deal with the pain.  Really it was like sub2 was being lumbered with far more than half the suffering.  sub2 couldn’t help but agree, obviously having second thoughts about her agreement.

So, I suggested, perhaps it would be fairer if sub2 decided to change the arrangement.  Perhaps it would be best if sub1 took more of the punishment.  Or maybe even all of it?  sub2 thought this seemed rather unfair - almost like a betrayal of sub1, but as I pointed out, really sub1 was just being unfair to her, making her take a really nasty, painful, beating without help or support, which she’d probably be incredibly difficult for her to bear, whilst sub1 would deal with her half of it just fine.

It took a little while, but eventually sub2 realised that yes, sub1 had been unfair and that, yes, she should renegotiate the deal.  That’s fine, I said, all she had to do was just send sub1 a text to tell her she had backed out of their little deal and that all of the punishment was heading for sub1.  sub2 did so.  A “Whaattt?????” message arrived in reply shortly afterwards.

It was at this point that I grabbed sub2 by the throat, pinned her to the bed, and explained slowly and carefully what a stupid little cunt she was.  Did she reallythink that I had to stick to some silly little deal if I wanted to beat her?  Did she reallythink I wasn’t going to hurt her?  She had showed cowardice and disloyalty, and now I was going to hurt her far more than the original punishment would have involved.  She sobbed pathetically as soon as I got my cane out, and screamed delightfully when I applied it to her back, thighs, buttocks and eventually feet (okay, I admit, I didn’t hit her nearly as hard as I could have done… but it turned her into a squidgy mess of pain so all was well).

A few days later I was with sub1.  I administered the beating that had been reassigned to her.  However, before doing so I had her phone sub2 so that she could listen to the howls of pain, and to the sobbing and the begging as sub1 received the punishment that was supposed to have been shared.  sub2 was out with friends at the time, I believe, but I could still hear a constant stream of “Oh… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” coming down the phone from her.

They were never quite as close or trusting after that.  There were plenty of twisted emotions around that an evil Dom could manipulate for entertainment reasons.  So that’s very much what I did.

If anyone was new to D/s I’d tell them right out - make sure you have a safe word, make sure it’s agreed, make sure you know what happens when you say it.

But I’d also say that you’ll never understand D/s until you’re prepared to go into a situation without one.

Safewords are the training wheels of D/s.  They help you get started reasonable safely, and they give you the confidence to start moving for yourself.  But you aren’t riding until they are taken off.

D/s is about submission, it’s about trusting another human being with your life, it’s about giving them permission to do anything.  A sub isn’t doing that if she has the option to stop if it gets too much.

If you’re a sub and you don’t feel confident about being with a Dom without a safe word, then either get a different Dom or realise you aren’t cut out for D/s until you’ve dealt with your own issues. 

The point at which a D/s relationship becomes real, becomes meaningful, is the point at which the sub says “You can do anything you want to me” and means it.  The point at which she surrenders all will, puts all trust in her Dom, and accepts all of the consequences for that.  Holding back stops the magick happening.

A good Dom should be able to read a sub better than she can read herself.  He should have his complete focus on her at all times, reading her responses, reacting to her words, her sounds, her movements.  He should be able to judge just how much more she can take - and whether this is one of those times to give her more than she can take.

The point about a good moment in D/s is that a sub is taken to a place beyond where she thought she could go, and the Dom gets to go with her.  A safe word will stop you getting there.

But if you’re new to this shit - for gods sake, use a safe word.  It takes time and experience to become a good enough Dom, or a good enough judge of a Dom, to operate without a safety net.

Shame is such a common reaction when it comes to sex.  We seem to suck it in from our environment as we grow up so that as soon as puberty hits we are already primed to feel shame over the desires we feel and the new pleasures we give ourselves.

Perhaps one of the most liberating things in the world is to find a partner who will say ‘tell me everything you desire, all of your filth, all of your fantasies, all of the fucked up stuff from deep inside… I want to hear it all, want to know it all, want to get off on it all.’

How liberating to no longer have to hold back.  Face it, most of us have got some pretty fucked up fantasies… well, those of us who are interesting and fun to sleep with.  All of our minds wander into strange territory now and again - thoughts of rape and murder, of children and torture, of being the perpetrator or being the victim.  And so much shame locked up with those feelings.

Fantasies are ours, they are allowed, they can go anywhere and do anything.  We’re allowed to explore the deep recesses of our mind, to have any thought or idea… it doesn’t mean we’ll act on them, doesn’t mean we’d take the opportunity if we could.  But it’s fun to think that maybe, just maybe…

Porn is a guilty habit for many - but a true joy to share.  Sitting someone down and saying “This is what really gets me off” and sharing that photo (maybe of the girl who looks just a little too young…) or that story (of really a very violent rape…) and having someone else go 'yes, I get it, I understand’.  Better yet if they’ll go down on you while you tell them about it…

The release of shame, the acceptance of another, the removal of fear - powerful, transformative, moments.  Everyone should have someone to share their deepest, darkest, most fucked up thoughts… everyone should know they aren’t alone.  Everyone should know they are allowed.

One of the nice things about having been on here over the past few months is that quite often I get people, mostly girls, writing to me to tell me what a splendid chap I am. Well, I say a ‘splendid chap’, more common phrases are “scary”, “intimidating”, “sadistic”, “larger than life”, “awe inspiring” and “terrifying”. Which, from my mind set, kind of equates to splendid.

My girl is also sometimes told how lucky she is to have me. Whilst no doubt flattered, she generally grumbles about this and threatens to write about what I’m really like. I imagine she considers writing a post about how mean I can be, how aggravating, how testing and how cruel. But I don’t think this would particularly damage my reputation on here.

However, there is a gap between what is seen on here and what is real. When I post here I post from my Dom mind-set. It’s my Dom-self that’s revealing itself, not the complete me.

There’s a well established problem in the realm of therapy that clients tend to fall in love with their therapist. Beyond any complex Freudian talk of transference, there’s a pretty simple explanation for this. When you see a therapist you aren’t seeing another person, you are seeing a therapist. For the hour that they are with you they are playing a role - they are being open, warm, unconditionally accepting, loving and intent on helping you. The moment you step out of the door they may go back to being bad tempered, obsessed with their own problems, critical and cynical - but you never see that - for the time you are paying them to be your therapist you are all that matters. Clients often mistake the therapists professional persona for who that therapist really is - this amazingly considerate, limitlessly patient, deeply loving, compassionate individual who suffers from no fears or hang-ups of their own. They therefore fall for that person - but sadly that person doesn’t exist. We all have baggage.

And so it is with a Dom. As a Dom I have limitless self-confidence, complete self assurance, boundless strength and a fearless determination. Now, that’s partly because I’m a good Dom and I know how to fully embody that aspect of my personality. But you’d be mistaken if you thought that was the whole of me.

The fact is I get tired, I get run down, I sometimes feel as if the world is against me. But, on those days, I just don’t post. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want to see me captioning photographs with things like “I’d love to force her to make me a cup of tea,” “This… this does nothing for me,” or “I bet she’d be brilliant at stroking my face while I had a nap.”

Which brings me on to the question of 24/7. I’ve written before about how my relationship has D/s elements in it at all times… but they are far closer to the surface at some times than others. The girl knows all of me - she knows, and rightly fears, the Dom, but she knows all the other bits as well, the bits that have cracks in them, the bits that get tired, the bits that get fed up or scared sometimes. Thankfully she loves me for the collection and the complexity, not just for the sleek Dark bit that comes out to play on here.

The idea of having a real world relationship which is 24/7 - where a girl only ever interacted with the pure, strong, Dom side of me, is, I have to say, rather appealing. But I could never make that my primary relationship. It might be good to see a girl once or week or so and have her only see the Darkness and me only ever see her sub-side, but that wouldn’t be sufficient to sustain me through life. I need to allow myself to be tired, or down, or worn out. I need someone who will rally around when I feel sick, or who will listen to me when I’m full of doubt. I have to be able to show fear, uncertainty and pain - only through showing it and acknowledging it can I learn about it and heal it. Pretending it doesn’t happen is damn unwise.

For me a primary relationship that was 24/7 would be very unhealthy. To push myself into my Dom persona when there’s something more important going on in my psyche would be very limiting and potentially damaging. To have no support from an individual other than what they can offer as a sub would be to deny myself very valuable resources. To not have an outlet for expressing the complex feelings that life creates… it would push me away from the integrity and sincerity which regular readers will know I value so much. It would prevent me from fully exploring, fully expressing, fully revealing what I am.

Plus there’s always the danger, and one which I’ve seen others fall to, that if you stay in Dom mode too much of the time you may start believing that you have the strength, power and rights of a Dom in all aspect of life. And frankly, that just makes you act like an arrogant dick.

I think younger Doms are scared of letting down their persona - of allowing a sub to see them as something other than a Dom. They don’t know how to accept teasing, or criticism, or the other interactions that suggest they may be anything other than perfect or scary. I think this is a terrific weakness. Allow yourself to be exactly who you are - people will respond. Cutting yourself off from feedback and criticism massively stunts your potential for growth, for learning and for getting better. The inability to handle teasing and criticism other than as repressive Dom is a demonstration of a real lack of self assurance.

I’ve never had any problem with my subs responding appropriately to me as a Dom however they may talk to me in other environments and at other times. They recognise when I’ve become their Dom again, know how they should act towards me, know the respect that’s demanded. And they know it’s real - no less real because it isn’t there at all times.

I’m a very good, very powerful, Dom - and thank you for all of your charming messages that have been telling me just that, and how much you enjoy what I’ve been sharing. It’s making this whole exercise terrifically rewarding for me, and making me even stronger at what I do. Just remember that not the complete sum of my personality is on display - you’re more than welcome to just interact with my Dom aspect, that’s easily achieved and very entertaining, but don’t start thinking I’m quite as flawless as I may sometimes appear. I wouldn’t want to entirely throw off your expectations for what a Dom needs to be.

Even before spirituality came to play a significant role in my life I knew that sex had a spiritual quality to it - that it was something transformative, that it was transcendental… that it felt sacred to me.  Okay, so I really, really liked sex, but I always felt there was something more - something most people weren’t talking about, something that perhaps many people couldn’t reach, and that many who could didn’t have a vocabulary to express.

First I should say spirituality is pretty damn important to me - but by that I don’t mean religion, I just mean the personal journey towards the spiritual. My practice involves meditation and ritual, not churches and priests. 

As I learned about spirituality I naturally discovered that pretty much every significant spiritual tradition had a sexual part to it or a sexual off-shoot. The trouble is the sex they were talking about wasn’t the sex that I was familiar with. Sitting and meditating on my penis for four hours wasn’t my idea of fun. Stationery sex without an orgasm? Not my kind of thing. The horrendous ‘white light/white robes’ thing that the New Age movement seemed to be doing to sex? Dear god no.

My sex was always passionate, emotional, rough, kinky… and for preference filthy.  And yet for all that, perhaps because of all that, sacred.

I found I had to develop my own vocabulary for the sacred sexual if it was going to talk about what I was experiencing. But with time I found it did begin to make sense as I saw parallels between what I was experiencing and what the other spiritual practitioners tried to express.

Pretty much every significant spiritual tradition has within it the idea of transcending the self. This is often expressed as 'killing the personality’ or 'breaking down the ego’ or 'leaving behind yourself’ but I think these terms are misleading. You don’t get rid of the damn thing, you just realise that it, this thing that you think you are, isn’t who you really are. The early stages of this are pretty simple - you start to notice how many stories you tell yourself about who you are - “I’m a person who does X”, “I hate all Y”, “I always Z”. When you notice them you can learn to stop telling the stories and just… be… be in whatever way you wish to be in whatever time you find yourself in.

Then you notice how much of who you think you are isn’t really you anyway - it’s your parents words, or your societies norms, or your friends opinions of you. So you can maybe put some of that down too. But then you notice you’ve got all these structures, beliefs and habits that are harder to shift - expectation, pride, morality, rules, prejudice, entitlement. Stuff that’s deep within your sense of who you are and how you function in the world. Shifting that’s a bugger. You aren’t actually trying to remove it completely - you want to remain functional - but you are trying to realise at a fundamental level (beyond simply thinking it) that it doesn’t matter, and it isn’t you and that the self is pretty much a very persistent illusion.

It turns out sex can be really good for this. And funnily enough, dirty sex is the best kind.

Put simply, getting incredibly horny, turned on, passionate, and overwhelmed with lust is amazingly good at breaking down your ego barriers. Things you thought were 'wrong’ suddenly become erotic, things that you told yourself you’d never do suddenly become appealing - rules get broken, desires get expanded, you feel things you never thought you’d feel… and suddenly you find yourself wondering if you really know who you are after all.  And from that comes wisdom - wisdom from deep insight.

How much more effective, then, is D/s.  D/s is all about breaking the 'rules’ of conventional behavior - from “don’t hit girls” to “all people are equal and worthy of respect.” The degradation that a sub submits to strips away their sense of self - takes away things they thought were essential to being them (pride, power, control, dignity, respect, freedom from pain). A Dom takes them down to something primal, something without all of the baggage that society tells us is essential. And to do so the Dom must go on a journey as well, breaking barriers of right and wrong, breaking through his own fear of being the bad guy, drinking in pleasure from things that you are just not meant to do…

In my experience after a good session subs are euphoric, joyful. They often describe themselves as feeling lighter, that they can cope with anything, that troubles and problems have just faded away. This is very similar to what is reported by people who have been doing intense regular meditation, or who have been involved in prolonged magickal work. They have, for a while, shed much of the baggage that is their ego - they’ve realised that they just don’t need all that crap in their heads that most of the time is telling them that they must do X, or must only be seen as Y. They can achieve a profound state of self acceptance where they can just allow things to be… they don’t have to fight or change anything, because they can accept and cope with everything.  It’s a spiritual state.

There’s more to it that this of course, much more… and maybe I’ll return to this topic some other time if anyone is interested (don’t worry, back to the pretty pictures in a minute). But I was right - sex, filthy sex included, is spiritual.  It is transformative and it is transcendental. It quite literally allows us to transcend our every-day ego baggage, and in that moment we have the opportunity to transform who we are, how we think, how we exist in the world. We realise we are not, exactly, who and what we think we are. And that realisation is the foundation of all true spiritual paths.

I like submissive girls.  I like girls who enjoy being controlled, who are thrilled by pain, who get off on humiliation and degradation.  But I like sexually submissive girls - not girls who can be nothing but submissive.

Most of the subs I’ve spent time with have been the most self confident, driven, self-insightful and powerful women I’ve met.  They are directed and strong in their everyday life… but when it comes to sex they like it hard, rough, dirty and they like to surrender their will to a strong man.  The fact that they are in control of their own lives day to day does not detract from their sexual submission - in fact, to my mind it enhances it.

Over they years I’ve met a few girls who are generally submissive - seemingly lacking their own will, looking for someone else to give them direction and make their decisions for them.  These creatures always strike me as just being a bit damaged - that they are having trouble coping with life so are hoping that a Dom will step in and make everything all right by making all of their decision for them and protecting them from the fact that life is hard.  I have, generally, found these individuals to be irritating, dull and pointless.  They may let you do what you want to them in bed, but where’s the challenge in that?  They’ll let practically anyone do what they want to them in any circumstances.

How much better to have a powerful, capable, self-possessed girl who you and only you, can break, reduce to tears and manipulate to your will?  How much better to have a girl who is strong and knows her own mind, yet cannot resist you, will keep returning to you no matter how badly you treat her, yearns for the abuses you heap on her yet fears them equally.

Besides, I’m a Dom - I want a sub who makes my life better, easier and more pleasurable.  I don’t want someone in my life who is in need of constant direction, protection and instruction.  I want someone who is autonomous, successful, ambitious, and driven - yet will still fall to her knees when I slap her around the face. 

I like submissives, not slaves… I don’t want to run someone else’s life for them, don’t want responsibility for everything they do and say.  I want to see them succeed and flourish… then have them sobbing in pain and begging for mercy before they suck my cock.

I was a relative late-comer to full blown face-fucking.  Sure, I’d always been partial to a good, rough, blow-job where I filled by hands with the girls hair, held her tightly in place, and fucked my cock in and out of her mouth… but there’s always further to go.

It tends to take a special girl to unlock the potential.  Although willing and enthusiastic, some girls can only take so much before they shut down, or become too distressed.  But then I had a girl… when she was sucking my cock she’d reach a stage where she would roll on to her side and pull me over with her.  Then she’d just lie still, mouth wrapped around my cock.  With her lying there like that I could put one hand on the back of her head to hold her in place and then just start fucking her mouth.  We were new together when she first did this, and I was delighted to find that no matter how hard and fast I went she could take it.  In fact, she seemed to delight in the experience as I pushed her harder.

There was, however, a limit as to how far she could take me into her throat.  Too far and she’d start to gag… she never made a fuss about this, but she clearly had a limit.

However, she was a good sub and I realised she was always happy to be taken further.  So one day I flipped her onto her back, pulled her head to the edge of the bed and stood over her, lower my cock into her mouth.  She took it happily, and I was able to start fucking my cock into her mouth.  I find it remarkable how different one girl’s mouth can feels to another, depending on the girl and her approach… this girl… her mouth was always so warm, welcoming, a wondrous deep, rich, feeling to her.  Pretty soon I just laid down on top of her, my weight directly onto her body, and I started to treat her mouth the same way I would her cunt.  I just started thrusting harder and harder, deeper and deeper, no longer worrying about whether she could cope with it, whether she could breath… I just lost myself in the pleasure of feeling her mouth, and feeling her just… taking it.

And take it she did… she gagged a little from time to time, but she was happy to let my cock all the way into her.  I gave her moments to breath, but mostly I used her mouth like a cunt and just fucked my way to an orgasm deep into her mouth.  A great orgasm it was too, as she had taken my cock full depth and I felt a great deal of come surge through me and into her throat.

Her comment afterwards: “That was amazing.  Completely overwhelming.  Why haven’t we done that before?" 

It has, naturally, become a regular occurrence.  In fact, if it’s not happened in a while I may walk into a room to find her laying on her back on the bed, head hanging over the edge, waiting for me…

Back when I was at university - so some time before I became a Dom, although I knew myself well enough to know what I enjoyed from fucking - I was going out with a girl who was a fire-cracker in bed.  She was petite (which is very much to my taste) with beautiful pale skin and big eyes.  What was most entertaining about her was that she was multiple-orgasmic - very.  One evening I tried to keep a count of her orgasms, but past twenty I lost interest and just concentrated on enjoying myself.

One particular situation comes to mind whenever I think of her - I had her on her back, wrists bound together, legs up, and I was kneeling down with her between my legs, fucking her.  She was already very into it, when I slid my cock out of her cunt and pushed it into her arse.  She was an anal virgin before she met me, so this was still pretty new to her… I went gently at first, but then reached down and slid my thumb into her cunt.  But hooking it around I could rub her g-spot, and quite naturally my hand lay up against her clit, so as I moved my thumb back and forth inside her I could also stimulate her clit.

I started to do this, and began to seriously fuck her arse at the same time.  She pretty much exploded - she started having orgasm, after orgasm, and they were coming faster and faster, with less time between them, as I found a rhythm that really seemed to work for her.  In this kind of situation there’s really nothing to do but grin hugely and concentrate on enjoying the tightness of her arse around your cock.

After some time of this her body was shaking constantly as her orgasms just seemed to roll together, one beginning as soon as the next subsided… she was lost in her own world of bliss, with spasms constantly passing through her body.  And then she just went limp.  I guess it was just all too much for her system and she shut down, in some kind of faint. 

Naturally I did what any gentleman would - removed my thumb from inside her, pushed her legs back high and out of my way, and fucked her arse as hard as I could until I came inside her.

Even half an hour later when she tried to get up to get some water she just fell down again as her legs couldn’t support her… but she didn’t recover with time.

Readers of my girl’s blog will know that it’s been an eventful week over here at Babalon towers. We’re doing fine, by the way - the girl is happy, I’m happy, our relationship is happy (although some seething anger - at the Dom level - has been put on hold for the time being, to be expressed at a later date when things are more convenient). But one issue that has been raised by the talking about past relationships - and which the girl has been nudging me to write about from a Dom’s perspective - is the intensity of D/s relationships. Not in terms of the intensity of D/s acts, which we’re all familiar with, but more about the intensity of the emotions around them. Put simply - subs tend to love hard. Really hard.

This issue came up when the girl and I were discussing our dislike of that blog post that’s going around about subs having thick skins but soft hearts. I say dislike… well, it’s a pithy phrase, and I know what’s it’s trying to say, but personally I think it gives the wrong impression. In my experience subs are remarkably strong, have very strong hearts, are very determined and confident individuals. Their ‘hearts’ are very robust - I’m sure some of the horrible things that I say to my girl would send most girls into a spiral of self doubt or fury, but she shrugs them off with a sigh of frustration (and frequently a smile of satisfaction, although she’s loathed to admit the latter). It’s just that with subs, when they love, love hard.

D/s invokes powerful emotions. As I’ve written about often enough, one of the great benefits of it is that it strips people down, pulls away their defences, allows very pure, vivid emotions to come pouring through the space normally taken up by social constraints and psychological defences. It is rather pleasing to discover that underneath all of that baggage - the habits, scars and ego identification that we often mistake for 'our personality’ - we discover there’s a hell of a lot of love.

Yes, annoyingly, my journeys into spirituality and D/s have both revealed the same irritating fact - the hippies were right. It really is all about love underneath it all.

Submissives love very hard. Sometimes that can be expressed very easily - a really deep blowjob is one of my favourites - but it also needs an outlet at those times when my cock is tired. Therefore it tends to come through in a great deal of affection. Submissive girls, in my experience, are very affectionate creatures - they touch, they smile, they compliment, they flatter, they can talk about their Doms endlessly, they make small gestures of devotion when they can. Naturally, being a bastard, I take the piss out of this relentlessly - so often was my girl telling me she loved me in the early days I described her as being like a yapping Jack Russell constantly bouncing around trying to get attention by saying 'I love you, I love you!’

But the point is this - I really like it.  When I came home one day to find a note that simply said “Yap, yap, yap!” I grinned a grin that was not at all cool or Domly.

The reason I write this is a simple one - I’ve read a surprising number of blog posts from subs saying how they 'have to be really careful’ about being overly affectionate. Writing that they feel guilty for loving so hard. That they have to 'hold back’ with the intensity of the emotion they feel for their Doms.

Really?  Is that actually necessary?

I appear to have written this a couple of times already today, so it should come as no surprise when I say - Doms really like attention. They really like being the centre of your world. They really like being worshipped. They like to be loved.

Pretty much anyone does… because it’s great to be loved. If it does cause someone to pull back and shut down that is very much their issue, not yours. Some people are scared of emotion, scared of being loved, scared of having someone want them too much, scared that it causes them to break their Dom cool… but that’s their issue, not the issue of the one doing the loving. And it’s that fear that isn’t very Domly - allowing yourself to be loved, adored and mooned after fits the role very well.

I’ve always loved quite easily, and I’m not afraid of my love - I feel the emotion flow through me readily, always quite close to the surface. I see it in others - friends, lovers and family - and enjoy that. The intensity of it is nothing quite like that which I’ve evoked in subs, but I just feel that’s very much part of the journey. It’s part of having travelled deep with them. It’s part of having stripped them down so that the fundamental me and the fundamental them can be together and discover the incredibly powerful bond that exists underneath all the crap. If it didn’t happen… something would be up somewhere. 

That love will find an outlet, usually through affection. God knows girls express that in some peculiar ways… but surely the only sane and wise thing to do is to embrace that, enjoy it, and celebrate it… and never give anyone cause to feel guilty about it, worried for it, or afraid that they feel 'too much’.

So last night the girl was ruminating about what it took to be a ‘good Dom’ (and you can see her thoughts simply by clicking here).  Naturally enough this set me wondering about what makes a good sub - or at least what I look for in a sub that suggests to me they are going to be worth my time and attention.

The thing is, I think that whilst Doms can be different in tone, technique and attitude these variation pale into comparison to the exotic variability of subs.  I’ve had subs who were obedient and others who were defiant.  I’ve had subs who were fiery and others who were soft and yielding. I’ve had subs who were easily conquered and others who would fight and fight. I’ve had subs who found pain the most delightful pleasure and others who hated it yet still craved it. I’ve had subs who dress and act like sluts and others who are demure and modest. I’ve had subs who carried themselves with poise and dignity and others who behaved like little girls.  I’ve had subs who instantly recognised me as a god amongst men, and others who took their bloody time to realise it.

I’m aware that this makes it sound like I’ve had dozens and dozens of subs - ah, were it so - but actually most subs carried a few of these qualities and some showed different qualities at different stages in our relationship. But the point is this - they are a varied lot, and each offer their own pleasures, interest and frustration. They aren’t all the doe eyed, patient, instantly obedient, eternally grateful, limitlessly generous, eternally aroused creatures that these pages occasionally paint them to be.

I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I think the following are the only qualities I would say a good sub really needs:

• Bravery - to be a sub is to face your fears, to go through trials, to be pushed.  If you don’t have the courage to face difficulty you won’t get very far. Many subs don’t actually think they are brave (“because I’m scared of so many things”) but they are usually amongst the bravest people I’ve ever met.
• Communication skills - I’ll lose interest in any girl I can’t have a good conversation with, but more I want to understand her and know what’s going on inside her. She needs to be able to tell me of her experiences, to share her joys and fears. It doesn’t always have to be verbal, but she mustcommunicate.
• Sexuality - a sub must have her sexuality close to the surface. They don’t all have to be sluts and whores, but they must understand their own sexuality, be able to yield to it and express it, and be able to accommodate my own.
• Self insight - although I look for this in everyone I’d ever consider sharing my life with, a sub must be able to understand what is happening within her if we are to progress safely, successfully and happily.
• Honesty - perhaps the one and only deal breaker for me is to be lied to by a sub. I’m quite forgiving of a certain fluidity of truth outside of D/s, but if a sub lied to me in a D/s context my Dom self would abandon her instantly - that part of me won’t tolerate deception.

In fact, that honesty issue goes further that simple telling the truth. I look for a certain… integrity in subs.  As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I hate faked reactions or insincerity.  If a sub felt she needed to fake a look of fear towards me I’d be appalled at her pandering, and that she thought me so insecure as to need that indulgence. I’m perfectly capable of earning any reaction I wish for - and will relish the challenge of working out exactly which buttons to push to get it. Insincerity and pandering just muddy the waters. D/s isn’t a game for me - it’s a reality, a complete expression of who I am, and the only way that can happen is if the girl has the courage to allow herself to be exactly who she is and to feel exactly what she feels.

But that’s it I think - that’s all that’s come to mind.  I was talking to the girl the other day and said that I am a delighted by the fact that a particularly delicious girl we know is strongly attracted to the things that scare her. The girl said “That’s the essence of being a sub, though, isn’t it - being attracted to, or getting turned on by, things that scare you." 

Perhaps it really is that simple. That’s what makes a sub. The rest is the personality of the individual and my list is whether or not I consider them developed enough as a person to be worthy of my time and attention.

Why is it that the vast majority of porn performers think that the best way to be in a scene is to be equally enthusiastic to everything?  As a result, all activities blend into one continuous flow of emotional monotony.  “Blowjobs, I love blowjobs” “Sex, I love sex.” “Anal, I love anal.” “DP, I love DP”, “Double Anal, I love Double Anal."  Everything hits the same note, as is greeted with the same squealing enthusiasm.

Don’t they realise that resistance, and successfully overcoming resistance, is sexy?  Having a girl who doesn’t want to do something, who you pursuade to do something, and then who completely gets off on doing it, is damn sexy.  Someone who is equally enthusiastic about everything no matter how weird or painful a) comes off as insincere, and b) creates an odd kind of ennui in the viewer.  There’s nothing at stake, there’s no challenge.

I get the idea of the ever willing, ever available, slut.  That’s all fine and good.  But a little variety wouldn’t go amiss.

I think that’s why I find the better ‘Casting’ style porn videos so appealing.  The Woodman one’s are particular genius (you can currently access a number of the newer ones online here: http://xhamster.com/user/video/Rimka18/new-1.html).  You often get to see a girl go through a range of emotions - shock, uncertainty, grudging agreement, enthusiasm, passion, satisfaction.  It’s a good journey.  It also makes the occasions when you do find a girl who is up for anything rather more appealing - you believe in her, and are pleasantly surprised as she enthusiastically does arse-to-mouth.  You think 'ooh - a real slut exists’ rather than 'yeah, yeah, another jaded porn star that’s had all her resistance broken’. 

I enjoy hurting girls.  I love the response it gets from them - the gasps, the crying, the begging… and the power of the orgasms that follow.  But not all pain is the same pain and different subs will react to different pain in very different ways.

For instance, the sudden thwack of slapping someone across the face feels very different to the steady, building, ache of placing them in an uncomfortable position and having them remain there for a long period of time.  An angry punch is very different to slowly running the edge of a knife over naked skin.  A flogger and a cane feel entirely different if you use them with the same strength.  And there’s a whole world of difference between a cane to the sole of the foot than to one across the buttocks.

A Dom must learn these things and learn how to use them appropriately.  subs may well have particular emotional associations with particular acts.  I’ve had subs that take a slap across the face as sexy, exciting, foreplay that gets them entirely revved up.  But others for whom a slap across the face is always an admonishment - it will upset them immensely and frequently reduce them to tears as they feel the hot shame of ‘having done something wrong’.

I’ve heard subs discuss the relative merits of 'stingy pain’ as opposed to 'deep pain’; of the heavy thump of a large flogger as opposed to the multiple scratches and burns of a cat.  Context can change physical experiences greatly - telling a girl that she’s doing very well and you’re proud of her whilst you deliver a lengthy beating will help her to relax and flow into the physical sensation so that she can get deeper into pleasure and further away from pain.  Telling her that she’s failed you and you are going to punish her because she’s let you down and is worthless will almost certainly mean that the exact same beating - same implements, same location, same strength of hits - will be agony for her, she will take not an ounce of pleasure for it, and will suffer to a terrible degree.

If you’re going to hurt someone you must know what you’re doing - must understand the basics of physics and physiology (the shock waves from a cane travel deep into tissue, so used on the lower back it can damage kidneys - a flogger distributes its force across the surface so is much less likely to do internal damage).  You must get to know the sub.  You must get to know how your words, emotions and subtle actions can have a profound effect on the sub who is traveling somewhere very deep into sensation.  What you do with this knowledge - well, that’s up to you, and very much depends on what you get off on and what kind of experience you wish your sub to have.  But you have to know.

I hope to someday be a sub. I am wondering though if I really can be. I’ve read some of your amazing posts and it makes me question myself. I want to give myself to a Dom, but there are things I already know I don’t find any pleasure in such as pain and some acts that I find rather gross that I would not want to take part in. Do you think I can still be a good sub even with some limits?

I think one of the issues with this kind of question is this - where you begin your journey as a submissive is not the same place as where you’ll end up with experience, growth and good instruction…

Sometimes I worry that looking at this blog for someone new to D/s is a bit like looking through the window of a gym - you see someone bench press 150lbs, think “That’s amazing! But I could never do that, I guess this place isn’t for me.”

I don’t blog about the early experiences of D/s very much. I don’t talk about what it’s like to experiment with obedience a little, or what it’s like to be tied up for a while, or what it’s like to be spanked, or what a gentle flogging feels like. Not because these things aren’t great experiences - they really can be - but because that’s not where my mind is at when it comes to fantasies and desires with D/s. I know the gentler end of thing is really enjoyable, but I also know the more extreme stuff is even more enjoyable. So I write about complete submission, extreme pain, being locked away for months, being broken, being totally subjugated and used and owned… These things are exciting to me.

But that’s not where you start.

Well, at least for most people it’s not - some people have had these thoughts in their mind for so long, have played the fantasies over and over, have explored this world through reading and talking, so when they finally find a partner they ‘click’ with… well, they jump right into the deep end, and request powerful, intense, experiences. More power to them. They are wonderful creatures to meet. (Hi, Red!)

But for most of us… we discover something, we explore it a little, we discover a little more, we explore further, we pause to consider our thoughts, we adjust our desires based on the needs and expectations of our partners, we overcome fears… then, with time, we look back and go 'Bloody hell, I’m really filthy compared to how I used to be!“

That is a good and worthy journey.

Pain is one of the most common worries in those who are drawn to D/s. Pain hurts, right? It’s just not nice. Of course there are some natural masocists who have always had a sexual response to pain, but for most… It’s a horrible thing best avoided. Yet many Doms seem to think it as essential part of submission, but why would you want do something that involved something hurty and nasty and that makes you go 'ouch’?

Well, for one thing pain isn’t absolutely necessary for D/s. Personally, I think it is a very important component, a flavour without which D/s is rather less effective, and far less vivid. I’m not sure I’d feel fulfilled in a D/s relationship where pain wasn’t one of the tools I had available. But there are Doms out there who don’t consider themselves sadistic at all, and aren’t looking to hurt their submissives - rather just to Dominate and control them.

Secondly, and more importantly, you don’t understand pain until you’ve experienced it in a D/s context. The pain in a scene is not the same as the pain of stubbing your toe, or the pain of a headache, or the pain of a paper-cut. Notice how those are all very different 'kinds’ of pain? There are others too.

Most submissives I know have developed a very different relationship with pain over time. They learn how to relate to it differently, experience it differently. Part of this is learning various 'techniques’ (learning how to breath, learning how to relax, learning how to not 'fight’ the pain), but part of it is learning a different emotional relationship with pain. Understanding where it 'takes’ you, learning that pain directed to you by a Dom is not random pain but pain with an intent behind it, that is trying to achieve something. Learning that pain experienced when you are turned on feels really different to when you are cold (most vanilla people are familiar with the idea that being bitten whilst being fucked is really rather enjoyable, whilst being bitten under normal circumstances… well, it’s just bloody annoying).

So when I write about the joy of seeing agony, the beauty of breaking a girl, about the satisfaction of a sub agreeing to give me everything, no matter how degrading, immoral, humiliating or painful, when I write about my desires to utterly own, utterly use, and totally destroy a girl… I’m not talking about a beginner. I’m not talking about someone I have picked up off the street. I’m talking about taking a journey with a submissive, teaching her, growing with her, exploring with her, building her strength, confidence, self insight and understanding… Helping her become as good a submissive as she can be, helping her become as good a person as she can be… and then doing the most delightfully extreme things with her.

Because you find those things inconceivable now, don’t let that put you off from starting the journey - if the journey appeals. Nothing rules you out as a submissive apart from a lack of desire to submit. You will be changed by the experience - there’s a reason that almost all submissives eventually get into pain, get into humiliation, get into bondage, get into perversity… Because there is pleasure there. Most don’t start off into all of these things… but most take the journey and find they wish to visit these places.

Discovering we are capable of so much more, desirous of so much more, and much, much, more perverted than we imagined… well, that’s part of the joy of the exploration.  Follow your lust and your passion, learn from those around you, and see where you end up… If all goes well, you’ll certainly surprise yourself.

Someone asked:

Sir, I need your advice on something: I know this girl, and she’s a very good friend of mine, and she and her boyfriend are in a D/s relationship. Her boyfriend is a jerk. He’s rude, and he treats her like shit. He has no regard for her feelings or thoughts and he’s always calling her stupid and a waste of space. She tells me that that’s how a D/s relationship is SUPPOSED to be. It’s none of my business, but she’s too good for him and she doesn’t see it and I don’t know what to do :c Help?

This is a damn tricky question, as it’s a potentially serious situation but it draws up many different elements.  Let’s try to deal with them some of them:

Firstly, it’s hard to judge another person’s relationship from the outside. I’m not saying this sounds like a good relationship - what you describe sounds awful - but it is the case that sometimes relationships, particularly D/s relationships, have dynamics and complexity which an outside observer doesn’t understand. I do know of a couple of girls who have had friends take them aside and have ‘a little word’ about the way they were being treated by their partner. This is usually because their Dom might occasionally order them around in public, dismiss their opinions, or refer to them by slightly insulting pet names. In some circumstances this would be indication of an unhealthy relationship. In others (and in the cases I’m referring to) it was just an occasional public expression of a healthy and entertaining D/s relationship.

Again, I’m not saying that what you describe here is healthy, but before making a point about other people’s relationships it’s always worth considering that we don’t understand everything about the individuals involved. It is true that some subs like to be treated pretty badly at times - but it’s a matter of whether that is being done in a life enhancing way that they enjoy and grow from, or an abusive way, playing on their own insecurities, feelings that that is the way they deserve to be treated. (One does occasionally find submissives who have very low self esteem and are seeking to have it validated by being abused - it would be very unethical for a Dom to enter into that kind of relationship with a great deal of care and a determination to help the sub change her self image and heal)

Secondly… If you do firmly believe that someone is in an unhealthy relationship, what can you do to help? I don’t want to be overly pessimistic, but I have to say that when it comes to direct intervention, I don’t think there is a lot you can do.