#wtsarticles
Should we Love Ourselves?
Written byJoanna H.of YMI in Collaboration with WTS.
“You really beat yourself up too much. I bet you’re the only one who felt you did a lousy job,” I said to my friend. She had just told me about her stressful experience acting with a stellar cast of veteran actors in her most recent show—which included an embarrassing case of stage fright on opening night.
She was also visibly skinnier—the stress and feelings of inadequacy had led to a dramatic weight loss.
To me, Jean* was an exceptional actress—versatile, convincing, and downright hardworking. In fact, I was blown away by her performance as the lead in her most recent play. But my raving review did little to quell the disappointment she felt. Jean had a chronic case of perfectionism that, to me at least, was neither realistic nor fathomable.
She nodded in agreement. “Well, I think I know what my problem is,” she said. “I don’t love myself enough.”
I heard alarm bells going off inside my head.
Loving Ourselves: The Greatest Love of All?
I’ve been somewhat wary of that phrase for the longest time. It started when my dad made a comment that Whitney Houston’s inspirational hit “Greatest Love of All”—which identifies loving yourself as the greatest love—was neither right nor biblical.
“The Bible never taught us that loving yourself is the greatest love of all,” said Dad. In fact, the Bible nevertalks about loving ourselves (except when it’s used as a reference to how much we ought to love others).
I’ve also observed that “loving yourself” is the mantra used by some who want to live a life which deviates from the norm and which sometimes defies reason and responsibility. You need to love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. Be proud of who you are. Stop struggling and trying to change yourself. Embrace yourself wholly and unreservedly. It’s an attractive and celebrated way of thinking, especially when it comes to justifying actions and inclinations that we can’t seem to control.
Another reason why I don’t buy into the idea of having to remember to love ourselves is that by and large, it is innate and part of what it means to be human. Most of us already love ourselves; we don’t have to be taught how. Just think of the last time we acted selfishly or used our time, money or resources to satisfy a personal want.
Superiority vs inferiority complex: Two sides of a coin?
But what about people who struggle with inferiority complex, who say that they hate themselves and wish that they were never born? Whitney’s song would seem like the perfect remedy for such individuals.
In his book, The Freedom Of Self-Forgetfulness, Pastor Tim Keller offers an interesting perspective on superiority and inferiority complexes, arguing that the two are essentially two sides of the same coin.
“A superiority complex and an inferiority complex are basically the same. They are both results of being overinflated. The person with the superiority complex is overinflated and in danger of being deflated; the person with an inferiority complex is deflated already. Someone with an inferiority complex will tell you they hate themselves and they will tell themselves they hate themselves. They are deflated. To be deflated means you were previously inflated. Deflated or in imminent danger of being deflated–it’s all the same thing. And it makes the ego fragile.”
Keller’s explanation of how both forms of complexes are interchangeable may be controversial, but it makes sense to me. In fact, it has been an ongoing reality in my own life. Depending on the crowd I’m with, my self-esteem changes accordingly. It grows when I think I’m better than the crowd I’m with, but when I’m with people who have more than me (materially, intellectually, spiritually etc.), I feel small and envious. My self-worth (and self-love) is pegged to how people around me perceive me or how they make me feel about myself. Either way, I’m always focusing on myself.
Keller goes on to contend that our egos hurt so often precisely because they’re constantly trying to draw attention to themselves. Think about the last time we felt hurt or irritated. Was it due to a remark someone made about our intelligence or a realization that we just can’t match up to our own standards, no matter how hard we try?
So, if focusing too much on ourselves is the root problem of our self-esteem issues, loving ourselves more cannot be the remedy, because we’d just be perpetuating the problems associated with focusing too much on our own selves. Rather, we need to learn to care less about what people think about us—or even what we think about ourselves. We need to look beyond ourselves to find true value, worth, and contentment in who we are.
True self-worth: What is it?
So what’s the greatest form of love? If self-centered love is not the remedy to our feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, could it be the opposite?
Perhaps that is why the Bible says that the greatest form of love is a selfless, sacrificial one. It is a love that is willing to look beyond ourselves and to the needs of others. John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” And this love was perfectly exemplified in none other than Jesus himself, who gave His life to save ours.
Since God showed us the greatest form of love by dying for us, that tells us something about our worth. We are valuable to God—regardless of the state of our self-esteem, or how others or even we feel about ourselves.
So let’s stop thinking that loving ourselves is the remedy to our issue of self-worth—and start looking to the one who determines our true worth.
*not her real name
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Joy in the Process
Words byJohanna Loh
As she cradled the baby in her arms, her face creased with smiles. She stared wonderingly at the day-old infant, noticing how he had dark eyes just like her own. While she couldn’t quite make out the shape of his nose yet, she was willing to bet that it would mirror the shape of his father’s. A plethora of emotion coursed through her. Gratitude to a God who was faithful to His promises. Relief that her labor had gone smoothly despite her years. Above all, she felt the awe of holding her very own son and the immense, fiery maternal love.
For many, many years she had longed to be a mother. But no matter how hard she and her husband had tried, the role had always seemed to elude her. Mistress of her household, indeed. One of the most beautiful women in the land, yes, even well past the bloom of youth. But never a mother. Watching her maid and other servants playing with their children, she had felt herself grow envious as she longed for the child she couldn’t seem to conceive. As the years went by, she started to resign herself to the fact that she probably would never have a little one of her own flesh and blood. She was well aware that bitterness had also taken root in her spirit, fed by her disappointment and unfulfilled hopes.
However, the coming of the child had changed everything. Sarah clearly remembered how ridiculous it had all seemed when the three visitors had come to their tent about a year ago. It had been such a hot, stifling afternoon in Mamre, with only the terebinth trees providing a much welcomed source of shade. She was particularly curious about the visitors. Her normally unruffled husband had rushed into their tent, bidding her to quickly prepare cakes of fine meal for these three men. Intrigued, she had later positioned herself behind the tent door just out of sight to listen to their conversation. Who were these people that they warranted such a reaction from Abraham? Incredulity and doubt quickly spread through her as she distinctly heard the words from one of them, “…and Sarah your wife shall have a son.”
The first thought that surfaced was, but that is impossible! I’m 90 years old! She had silently laughed within herself at the absurdity of it, made even more surreal by the quiet confidence with which the strange man had made his bombshell of a statement. Almost as if the impossible was going to happen, without a shadow of a doubt. Her laugh then had been birthed out of years of deadened anticipation and unrealized dreams.
Abraham had bequeathed their child the name of Isaac shortly after his birth. How apt, Sarah mused. Isaac. Yitzchaq. Laughter. She had laughed as she held him for the first time, and so had Abraham. She declared, “God has made me laugh, and all who hear will laugh with me!” Now, she laughed once more as she held their only son tightly. A son that had been ninety years in the making for her, and a century for him. Their miracle baby. But the sound from Sarah’s lips wasn’t the resentful or incredulous noise that it had been a year ago. Instead, it was one of sheer joy, gladness and gratitude. It is not just you, my son, even as she revealed in him. It is God. He is the one that brings joy. He was faithful to an old and resentful woman even when she doubted His word. He is the giver of true joy, and you are my reminder of His gift. And if one day you ever ask me about your name, I can’t wait to tell you how my bitter laughter turned to joy…
We’re all like Sarah, in one way or another. Maybe we’re waiting on an Isaac that seems to be taking forever to materialize. It might be a job offer that hasn’t come, or that yet unrealized dream. It could be a still incomplete healing from depression or a longed-for reconciliation with a loved one. We also could be wrestling with our own frustration, doubt and bitterness due to circumstances. What would your “Isaac” be?
I can’t help but wonder about Sarah. She was so desperate to have children that prior to Isaac, she attempted to gain one by giving her maid to Abraham. The promise that God would establish a nation from her and Abraham’s offspring seemed too unattainable for her. I wonder if she spent years of being disillusioned and disappointed, not fully trusting God’s promises and taking matters into her own hands. Because I’m guilty of that too. Moments come when I fret too much over things I have no control over and try to plan out things so they don’t go wrong. My thoughts turn to future concerns and past regrets. I don’t let God be God. Rather, I fall back on self-reliance and logical reasoning. The result? I end up losing my joy, and my faith becomes clouded.
Maybe we all need perpetual reminders of how life is a process. It’s not seeing the end result, but rather going through the process with an attitude that makes all the difference.
Maybe we all need perpetual reminders of how life is a process. It’s not seeing the end result, but rather going through the process with an attitude that makes all the difference. We were never meant to carry certain burdens; logical reasoning does not always make the most sense. But when we see things through God’s perspective, joy comes. When He changes us in the journey of our respective trials and challenges, there is joy to be found. When we trust him, he changes our hearts. When we walk with Him in the ups and downs, He gives us much joy. Our role is just to let Him make us laugh.
I believe there is much to gain from Sarah’s statement. She wasn’t just rejoicing about seeing her promise come to pass and having the years of disappointment washed away. She could finally grasp more profoundly just how big her God was. Nothing was too hard for Him. At that point, she could comprehend that her joy was only from God. May we all remember to always find joy in God’s presence, and laugh because of Him.
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Joy in the Process
Words byJohanna Loh
As she cradled the baby in her arms, her face creased with smiles. She stared wonderingly at the day-old infant, noticing how he had dark eyes just like her own. While she couldn’t quite make out the shape of his nose yet, she was willing to bet that it would mirror the shape of his father’s. A plethora of emotion coursed through her. Gratitude to a God who was faithful to His promises. Relief that her labor had gone smoothly despite her years. Above all, she felt the awe of holding her very own son and the immense, fiery maternal love.
For many, many years she had longed to be a mother. But no matter how hard she and her husband had tried, the role had always seemed to elude her. Mistress of her household, indeed. One of the most beautiful women in the land, yes, even well past the bloom of youth. But never a mother. Watching her maid and other servants playing with their children, she had felt herself grow envious as she longed for the child she couldn’t seem to conceive. As the years went by, she started to resign herself to the fact that she probably would never have a little one of her own flesh and blood. She was well aware that bitterness had also taken root in her spirit, fed by her disappointment and unfulfilled hopes.
However, the coming of the child had changed everything. Sarah clearly remembered how ridiculous it had all seemed when the three visitors had come to their tent about a year ago. It had been such a hot, stifling afternoon in Mamre, with only the terebinth trees providing a much welcomed source of shade. She was particularly curious about the visitors. Her normally unruffled husband had rushed into their tent, bidding her to quickly prepare cakes of fine meal for these three men. Intrigued, she had later positioned herself behind the tent door just out of sight to listen to their conversation. Who were these people that they warranted such a reaction from Abraham? Incredulity and doubt quickly spread through her as she distinctly heard the words from one of them, “…and Sarah your wife shall have a son.”
The first thought that surfaced was, but that is impossible! I’m 90 years old! She had silently laughed within herself at the absurdity of it, made even more surreal by the quiet confidence with which the strange man had made his bombshell of a statement. Almost as if the impossible was going to happen, without a shadow of a doubt. Her laugh then had been birthed out of years of deadened anticipation and unrealized dreams.
Abraham had bequeathed their child the name of Isaac shortly after his birth. How apt, Sarah mused. Isaac. Yitzchaq. Laughter. She had laughed as she held him for the first time, and so had Abraham. She declared, “God has made me laugh, and all who hear will laugh with me!” Now, she laughed once more as she held their only son tightly. A son that had been ninety years in the making for her, and a century for him. Their miracle baby. But the sound from Sarah’s lips wasn’t the resentful or incredulous noise that it had been a year ago. Instead, it was one of sheer joy, gladness and gratitude. It is not just you, my son, even as she revealed in him. It is God. He is the one that brings joy. He was faithful to an old and resentful woman even when she doubted His word. He is the giver of true joy, and you are my reminder of His gift. And if one day you ever ask me about your name, I can’t wait to tell you how my bitter laughter turned to joy…
We’re all like Sarah, in one way or another. Maybe we’re waiting on an Isaac that seems to be taking forever to materialize. It might be a job offer that hasn’t come, or that yet unrealized dream. It could be a still incomplete healing from depression or a longed-for reconciliation with a loved one. We also could be wrestling with our own frustration, doubt and bitterness due to circumstances. What would your “Isaac” be?
I can’t help but wonder about Sarah. She was so desperate to have children that prior to Isaac, she attempted to gain one by giving her maid to Abraham. The promise that God would establish a nation from her and Abraham’s offspring seemed too unattainable for her. I wonder if she spent years of being disillusioned and disappointed, not fully trusting God’s promises and taking matters into her own hands. Because I’m guilty of that too. Moments come when I fret too much over things I have no control over and try to plan out things so they don’t go wrong. My thoughts turn to future concerns and past regrets. I don’t let God be God. Rather, I fall back on self-reliance and logical reasoning. The result? I end up losing my joy, and my faith becomes clouded.
Maybe we all need perpetual reminders of how life is a process. It’s not seeing the end result, but rather going through the process with an attitude that makes all the difference.
Maybe we all need perpetual reminders of how life is a process. It’s not seeing the end result, but rather going through the process with an attitude that makes all the difference. We were never meant to carry certain burdens; logical reasoning does not always make the most sense. But when we see things through God’s perspective, joy comes. When He changes us in the journey of our respective trials and challenges, there is joy to be found. When we trust him, he changes our hearts. When we walk with Him in the ups and downs, He gives us much joy. Our role is just to let Him make us laugh.
I believe there is much to gain from Sarah’s statement. She wasn’t just rejoicing about seeing her promise come to pass and having the years of disappointment washed away. She could finally grasp more profoundly just how big her God was. Nothing was too hard for Him. At that point, she could comprehend that her joy was only from God. May we all remember to always find joy in God’s presence, and laugh because of Him.
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Finding Joy
Words byJohanna Loh
The topic of joy is immensely broad. So many articles and books have been written, not to mention countless sermons preached about it. Yet, I meet and know of many Christians who struggle with keeping their joy. It is an elusive concept, easy to visualize in the head but at times hard to grasp in the heart.
Interestingly, some of the most eye-opening perspectives I have had about joy have been from non-Christians. One episode was gleaned from a conversation with a Sikh man in his sixties. Tall and skinny, he possessed an observant glint coupled with a turban wrapped neatly around his head. From initially giving me some running advice, the topic of conversation turned to religion. I told him I was a Christian, and I got the most heart-warming response.
“So you’re a Christian! That’s good! Remember to pray more. Thank God for everything. Wake up early to pray! I tell you, don’t worry about anything. Trust God and be happy!”
His words stuck with me for a long while, as I had been feeling at that period like I was losing my joy and didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t a nice feeling as I was a generally optimistic person. I knew the theology regarding joy and understood it. But at that point in time, it seemed that my heart had gotten so callous and reserved. I was struggling with depressive phases that seemed to have no proper explanation. But upon hearing his words, something sparked inside of me.
The other incident that taught me about joy was from a conversation with a security guard who patrols the residential area where I go for evening runs. He earns an average of $300 USD per month. He hasn’t been back to his home country for at least five years because he is unable to afford the air fare. However, he said something that has remained with me too for all this while.
“I see so many rich people drive past here and they are all frowning and down… I don’t want to be like that. I thank God for what I have and remember Him. Money can’t make you happy… I don’t have much, but I look to God and am happy.”
It seems that what both men were referring to had more to do with the notion of joy rather than happiness. Something that goes beyond a temporary emotion, a state of mind that speaks of resting in God despite circumstances. As Paul states in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18*, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
Logically speaking, it is impossible to be happy all the time. With the setbacks and pitfalls that will happen in life, we cannot be perpetually upbeat and carefree. It is hard to be jovial as we hear the news that a loved one has cancer. It is difficult to remain cheerful as we face the prospect of retrenchment, the hurt of failed relationships, personal struggles with fears and worries… Going back to Paul’s words, we are not asked to be “happy” always but to “rejoice” always. A deep, steadfast and real joy is cultivated as we look continuously to the hope that we have in God, who is bigger than anything that life throws at us. It is an attitude of assurance that our heavenly Father truly cares for us as well as believing that nothing else matters as long as we have God. And in doing so, we can sincerely rejoice, pray and give thanks in everything, from the best to the worst of things.
A deep, steadfast and real joy is cultivated as we look continuously to the hope that we have in God, who is bigger than anything that life throws at us.
Psalm 23 is probably the most well-known psalm that David penned. Most of us know it well, if not by heart. The fourth verse of the psalm depicts David’s absolute trust in God and one could say, a constant joy.
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For you are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4)
He never asked to be brought out of the valley. Instead, he declared confidently that he would not fear, because God was with him.
A few psalms later he writes, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him.” (Psalm 28:7)
Historical research points to the fact that both psalms were most likely written during the period when Absalom, David’s own son rebelled and caused a civil war. The then King David was compelled to wage war against his own son. In such broken circumstances, David’s joy was found because his heart trusted in God. He had a solid assurance that God loved him along with the knowledge that God would walk beside him in the valley and come through for him in trying circumstances. And that is the reason for having joy. Joy can be found in the mountaintop experiences of our lives, but more often it is in the valleys that our joy is nurtured and flourishes accordingly. Why? Because God walks with us.
In the words of a Sikh man, trust God – have joy.
In the words of a security guard who would not amount to much by society’s standards, look to God - have joy.
In the words of a troubled king, trust in God and be helped – have joy.
*All verses quoted are from the NKJV Bible
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Putting on Kindness
WordsbyJohanna Loh
Without kindness, part of our soul shrivels. Kindness is a key expression of our lives as children of God. We cannot profess to love God and yet be unkind. But while we live on this earth, we are still bound by imperfections which can limit the measure of our kindness.
I know when I’m peeved or frustrated, unkind words tend to escape my lips more easily then they ought. And before I know it, I’m just seconds too late to take back statements uttered thoughtlessly. More often than not, the recipients of my harsher moments are those that I’m close to. During times like these, my brain would be going through mental reiterations of, “Now, that wasn’t a wise thing to say…”
If unkindness cuts deep, kindness runs deeper.
The thing is, when I’m unkind – especially to loved ones – I can gauge their reaction to my unkindness pretty well. A slight furrowing of the brow, a clenching of the jaw and a hurt expression in their eyes all serve to indicate that my words have cut and bruised them. The effect is immediate, and sometimes, more lasting than I ever thought they would be.
If unkindness cuts deep, kindness runs deeper. I’m still learning how to be a kinder person. I’ve realised the hard way that even a brief outburst of unkindness produces relational fractures that I didn’t bargain for. Conversely, small acts of kindness give rise to long-lasting, unexpected effects. Kindness is simply infectious, affecting both the giver and the recipients alike. It then has a manner of rippling further outwards. When Rahab - a known prostitute - hid Israelite spies on the roof of her house to prevent them from being discovered, she couldn’t have known that her kindness to them would lead to her becoming an ancestress of Christ.
We know that kindness is one of the seven fruits of the Holy Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23 states, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” When we purposefully sow and water seeds of kindness, we learn to cultivate godly fruit in our lives. By doing so, we uproot weeds of selfishness that can choke kindness. We grow in kindness by staying close to the Holy Spirit, and understanding his heart for others.
It is vital that we intentionally watch our hearts and be careful of what emerges from our lips and manifests in our actions. We need to ensure that we don’t hold back kindness. Sometimes we don’t want to be kind because it can be costly, or we’re scared of stepping out beyond our comfort zones. Be kind anyway. We need to keep ourselves on edge. It isn’t enough to not do bad things as a Christian. We absolutely must engage in actively living for Christ, and kindness to others is one of the key ways we can do so. Colossians 3:12 says this, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” God doesn’t drop down kindness like a magical suit (I wish). Rather, we have to consciously put kindness on. It’s not always convenient or simple. But it is worth it, as we are gradually transformed from the inside out.
When we mingle with others, let kindness be central in our interactions - whether in thought, speech or deed. When we take God’s kindness and pay it forward, we bring more of heaven onto earth. We win souls better with kindness girded by love, rather than persuasive words and lofty opinions.
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