I-I : god, nor buddha — the callback audition        june 2019. mga 5 call

 I-I : god, nor buddha — the callback audition 

       june 2019. mga 5 callback auditions. wordcount: 1813 ( tw : anxiety ) 
           dancing to superloveby tinashe ( 0:00-11 song intro ; 1:50 - 2:36;2:44-58 outro)

there’s a pit in her stomach. she’s not sure if its butterflies. perhaps its the egg casserole she ate this morning? or worse—anxiety.she can’t pinpoint what it is. but she definitely knows that she doesn’t appreciate the feeling. 

she remembers her heart beating rapidly after seeing a callbackemail. she couldn’t believe it. well, not really. she couldbelieve it. she expected it even. but she’s trying this new thing called humility.apparently, it brings good fortune. 

she laments if she pulled out all the stops for her audition at seoul arts.it must have worked if the judges wanted more. or maybe, it was all due to her outrageous interview. it might have been her speed painting skill. she’s full of maybes and perhaps lately but one thing’s for certain. she put everythingin that audition and if she put her all in one simple audition, she decided she would continue to do so. all and all, until she couldn’t perform anymore. 

though, she’s sure that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. no—she hopesit isn’t going to happen anytime soon. ( humility. ) 

jungeun read the email once, then twice, then thrice. making sure she understood what was said. making sure she knew what to preparefor because she was sure there was much more in store than what was written. for the short time she was given, she practiced for hours on end. the night before she had a good night’s rest, the morning of a proper breakfast and tightly tied shoelaces. she was ready..

or so she thought.

her eyes widened as she entered the auditorium. suddenly, it felt real. her mouth is wide open, saying words like, this is it, we’re here to her best friend by her side. they find seats to sit in, two out of one hundred. 

dancing in front of judges was one thing. a filmed audition was another. dancing in front of her peers? a battle.this was war and jungeun, in all her dramatics, was in the front line. she needed to stand out; she couldn’t stand to be part of the ninety-nine. she needed to be that one. 

it was now a waiting game, with a mix of a reunion, inside the large room. jungeun noticed a few familiar faces here and there. some she cared about and some she definitely cared less about. she yelled a few hellos to the former group and a curt smile to the latter group ( she wasn’t in the mood for any theatrics ). 

she thought about running to the stage, starting an impromptu random play dance or dance battle. anything to rile the audience up. most importantly, anything to gain attention or a warning that she wasn’t one to be idle. she hesitated a bit but the anxiety was enough to completely discard the idea. instead, she decided to observe her peers. who was a quiet one? who would be a good ally?

jungeun tried to gather information from what she could see in her peers. the action almost causes her to lose focus on most of her surroundings. she jumps in her seat when she hears a giant boomfrom the speakers. five figures follow the noise and jungeun jumpsin her seat. it doesn’t take much to figure out whothe figures are.

if performing in front of her peers was like a battle, then performing in front of the big five CEOs was like judgement day. a good or bad battle but you die either way, getting automatically sent to the gates of heaven to determine whether you’ll be a martyr. alternatively, landing in a boat on the river styx. or perhaps being reborn, a sequela from never obtaining nirvana. jungeun really feels like she’s in the presence of deities. it wasn’t too far-fetched. now that they knew the big five were judging, it really felt like their fates were in the hands of gods. they even entered the scene like they were gods—large shadows that eventually presented larger-than-life individuals. jungeun prays to god, buddha, even aphrodite and any deity around for the judges’ mercy.

jungeun turns her head towards heejin, squeezing the brunette’s hand. if jungeun felt nervous, she assumed those feelings were her best friend’s as well. she’s so thankful she’s with heejin for this one. being away for the first audition was bearable but she needed her for this one. after a few words, the auditions begin. some good, some bad, some…questionable.overall, she knew that this wasn’t going to be easy but she always believed success tasted better when it was well earned.

jungeun reacts accordingly. it isn’t surprising to find out that she spent an hour or two thinking about what imageto present at this audition. cheerful, supportive girl just happy to be there? overly critical and smug girl? she could have been one hundred and one different girls. one hundred and one different cliches.but, she decides to use the greatest cliche of them all—being yourself.

she smiles when she’s interested in a performance. or, a habit she learnt from dance studios in LA, her woo’sandaw yeah’s when someone just does it right.she raises a brow when she’s dissatisfied with a performance. she doesn’t stop to make an oohface when a note isn’t reached or a beat is missed. she takes the occasional glance at the judges, trying to see if her reactions matched with theirs’.

the performances go on and on like those automatic doors that spin. its almost like a routine, which she gets bored of. until, its hertime to go on stage. 

she stands from her seat, smiling at the little line of encouragement from heejin. she feels her knees wobble slightly, making her reprimand herself. walk, jungeun. right, left. left, right. suddenly, she finds herself on the stage. it takes her a moment to speak. looking at the judges, then ninety-nine others felt like a giant first day of school scenario. 

“hi, i’m kim jungeun.” what kind of generic ass greeting. it was all she can muster to say, nerves trying to fight for control. she didn’t stutter ( thankfully ) but she knewshe could say more. without a plain tone, at that. 

“hello jungeun,” it was tiger jk’s turn to speak. the ceo lazily flipping over her file while speaking to her. “so can you tell us what you’re doing today?" 

”can i just show you?“ jungeun replies. fiesty but not forgetting to say it with respect, because she couldn’t afford having an attitude scandal before she even started. the judges are a bit taken aback, wondering where the seemingly nervous girl present a few seconds ago went. 

"go ahead then,” the ceo replies. jungeun thinks, hopes, he was pleasantly surprised with the shift. she said words that shown she wasn’t one to be truly timid, but now it was time to do what she did best—show it. 

jungeun smugly smiled and turned around to get into starting position. the spotlights moved to shine on her, allowing her to soak it in before the music started.

love, love, love, love
love, love, love, love

her back was still faced away from the audience, but her body started to move. she allowed herself to let the music run through her limbs and hips.

super love
they will never love you babe, like i love you babe

she turned around once she heard the super love, strutting forward in a slower fashion. she mouthed the words to the audience, finger waving from side to side at they will never love you. she smiled at like i love you, her preparation to shift from slower to faster movements.  

i’m sophisticated, super classy, uncle luke, freak, nasty

she started to dance to the choreography she’s practiced over and over. she admits she wasn’t the best at choreographies that required an immense amount of power and sharp movements. but, a good thing about dancing was that there was always room for adding your own style. 

through the years, she found strength in the fluidity she earned through her training with ballet and contemporary. she hit the sharp moves the choreography required but allowed herself to melt with the melody where it allowed. 

jungeun matched her facials with the vibe of the song. she recalls having difficulty with what kind of song she wanted to choose. she wasn’t one to be sensual. she definitely wasn’t one to be cutesy. going full on girl crush was something expected of her, so she didn’t want to do it. this song was flirty, sexy, bubbly but above all fun. jungeun kept a smug smile on her face as she danced. it was perfect for the summertime ( and jungeun pats herself on the back for choosing to dance to it. )   

her wavy hair bounces along with her every step. she chose an outfit that would stand out—heavily tailored pants with a red tank top. of course, it was all in red. the color of love, passion, anger, and warmth. personally, her favorite and luckycolor. 

jungeun’s learned that its better to lose yourself in the music and focus on the outcomes later. thinking too hard gives a window for lost of movement control. but, jungeun decides to take a risk and pay attention to the audience reaction. just a peek. she doesn’t see everyone ooh-ingorahh-ing as she expected. but she doesn’t falter. its not her fault that some people are just lackluster from their performance and reaction. ( in her humble opinion. ) 

i want you, i want you, i want you to be my baby 

she strays from doing the choreography at this point, removing the bun from the top of her head, letting her hair fully flow in all its power. moving her hips and feeling the music, she moves in a circle, raising her hands up towards the audience. she throws her hair tie to the side of the stage before moving to the floor to finish up her routine. the floor portion of the routine wasn’t toomuch. mostly because she wasn’t the most comfortable about sexily dancing on the floor. but, she didn’t want to look like a mop ( having hair that resembles one doesn’t help either ). 

baby say you promise you will never change
you know, you know, you know 

as the song slows down, she slowly stands up and returns to her first position by putting her hip out and placing her hand on it.  

the dancer turns around and bows to the judges. she walks away from the stage, allowing the rotating door of performances to continue. she doesn’t bother to say anything, because she said it herself—she’llshowthe judges what she’s made of. 

she just hopes they were able to see it properly.