#mentioning

IV-I : apostrophe friends apostrophe — the second duos showcase 

              june 2019. mga 5 duos showcase part 2. wordcount: 1019
                   dancing to mantrabydrunken tiger&u go girl bykatie lee 
                                    mentioning:@rknak,@rkeunji

a sigh of relief. once again, jungeun was safe. right, safe. while she was grateful that she wasn’t eliminated ( and one of those that weren’t wildcard ), she was still safe. and safe wasn’t much if she wasn’t first place. but she supposed safe could do for now.

there was still another week for her, which meant another chance to display her capabilities in front of the whole world. she was blessed with such a good partner in eunji and she emphasizes that because she really wasn’t all that religious. she hoped that this week would bless her with another great partner. fingers crossed as she had a feeling of being paired with another friend, she hoped her feelings would become reality. name called, she released a sigh of relief when she realized she’d be with another friend.

jungeun and nakyung.

in their past, they’ve talked about performing with each other someday. while they weren’t the bestest of friends, their shared love of idols was enough to form a ( somewhat strong ) foundation. but this love of the idol industry is what set them apart.

its no secret that jungeun disliked certain idol groups and concepts, but it was those exact things that nakyung favored. jungeun was aware of it and tolerated it because that’s what friends do. accept each other’s differences. even if the difference was having an absolute lack of taste.

itwas a secret that jungeun had a secret twitter account. an account where she’d use the freedom of the internet to protect her fangirlish thoughts. an account where she’d use the freedom to argue with the same people who had a lack of taste—just like nakyung. but the other girl wasn’t just similar to those people. she was one of those people ( and to think jungeun was ever friendly with her ).

jungeun can’t recall when or how she discovered nakyung’s internet persona. she wasn’t even sure if nakyung knew what jungeun knew. ( probably not, the girl was really clueless. ) jungeun couldn’t blow her own cover. she too, had an internet persona. so, she decides to play a game of facades.

the two greet each other at the end of the filming. nakyung as sweet as ever and jungeun too. they agree on meeting times. text me. i’ll text you! the usual friendship exchange. then they depart, waiting for the next meeting.

they text each other during the nighttime, “expressing” their excitement to be working with each other. they agree to meet at the dance studio and jungeun—a wolf in sheep’s clothing—goes to sleep, waiting for the next day.

when the two meet, they immediately get to planning. since they were friends—correction—”friends,” they had an idea of what the other wanted to do. to an absolute lack of surprise, nakyung recommends eclipse.which, of course, jungeun rejects. they have a short compromise-forming discussion about it because that’s what friendswould do. they decide on a katie lee song, which was fine because katie lee was neverthe problem. 

it was her absolute lack of vision in regards to her artists. 

they decide to sing ‘u go girl,’ which jungeun confesses is an absolute earworm.but singing a cover of that song wouldn’t suffice with jungeun. jungeun was here to challenge herself. if they were taking the risk to cover oneceo’s song, they might as well go for it. so, she suggests the ceo that would be the riskiest for both of them. 

but mostly for nakyung because jungeun wanted her to workfor something ( without the grace of having minho fans support her by association ). 

jungeun suggests dancing to a drunken tiger song and she sensesthe slight apprehension on the other girl’s face. nakyung accepts the suggestion and the two waste no more time to practice. 

nakyung, jungeun admits, makes up for her lack of taste with her work effort. jungeun didn’t really expect a problem with practicing with the other. although jungeun wants nakyung to suffer internally, jungeun didn’t want to lose.thiswasa competition after all. her desire to stay overrode her infantile quarrels. so jungeun practices with nakyung, agreeing when they plan out the songs and parts. she practices the song every night, giving it her all. the two practice every day, trying to make this performance work. 

‘cause if it didn’t, jungeun didn’t know if she could continue this game of facades. 

the two arrive to the studio in suits and caps, trying to emulate the style of the trc ceo’s time. its a cycle. jungeun speaks with others as she waits for the boomto come, the boomcomes, the ceos enter, and the performances begin. 

“hello, i’m kim jungeun!” jungeun almost mocksthe way nakyung introduces herself when they enter the stage. this time, they have the microphones attached to their ears, so they could be able to dance. after their greetings, they step into their starting position, waiting for the music to start. 

hip-hop and pop. they’re almost polar opposites but jungeun and nakyung find the perfect medium to combine the two. the first part of their performance is stronger, they move fluidly to the music until the surprisecomes. they take off their suits, showing shorter and more brighter clothing. and they mix rapping and singing to perform the lines of the kt ceo’s famous song. when jungeun has to sing, she does what she usually doesn’t. winks, smirks, and overall flirtaciousness. 

she admits she has grown to like the song and she enjoysperforming it. but there’s the part of her where she doesn’t want to perform it. yet she powers through because she isn’t a quitter. she powers through the end of the song, relaying the ending english lines with the other girl until the song ends. 

the pair return to their seat and jungeun exhales. she just hopes this performance wasn’t in vain.   

0-I : your uber has arrived — arrival

          june fourteen. seoul arts high school. six am. wordcount: 840

“jungeun we support your dreams but you know we had onerequest. one condition.you need to finish high school first." 

i know. she keeps her mouth shut but she really finds it unfair.it wasn’t like she was going to drop out if she joined the competition. it wasn’t like there weren’t any trainees who were simultaneously students—her school had plenty of them. 

she was young in the real world but the idol world moved considerably fast. there were already people her age debuting; her friends were joining the competition and she wasn’t getting any younger. 

"you’re not joining the mgas and that’s final. its too early for you.”  



jungeun looked at the trees and buildings blurring against the car’s speed. the sun was barely opening its eyes; shewas barely opening hers. a year has passed since the last mgas, she’s had to see some her closest friends and peers achieve their dreams ( which were equally hers as well ). she could say she was happy for them, yet she felt an odd mix of emotions. jungeun wasn’t able to join them. jungeun wasn’t able to do anything to achieve her dreams. 

she turned her focus to her parents sitting in the driver and passenger seat. she remembers barely being home when the fourth season was appearing. her sentiments towards her parents were too bitter but she couldn’t muster the courage to express her feelings. she knew they supported her but she knew how much her parents valued education. if she wasn’t planning to go to college, she should at least finish up high school.

that was all in the past now. 

jungeun learned that she couldn’t change the past. she could only move towards the future. jungeun unintentionally let out a sigh, earning the attention of her parents. the car halted to a stop, the blurry background changing into a collection of buildings. 

seoul arts high school. 

she was here. it was time. it was hertime. 

“remember, slow and steady wins the race,” her dad turned around, flashing her a reassuring smile. 

“you got this, sweetheart. you’ve trained for this moment. now it’s yours to take,” jungeun’s mom said, as she ran her fingers through her daughter’s hair she helped straighten this morning.

“thank you mom and dad,” jungeun thanked her parents with the utmost sincerity. she knew their support was hers—there was nothing stopping her. jungeun opened the car door and grabbed her bag. “wish me luck.”

it was to her advantage that the audition sites were at arts schools. she wasn’t at sopa but it didn’t make much of a difference. yes, the people in this particular situation are new faces and she didn’t have her friends with her. but she could adapt. she knew the feeling of auditioning in small classrooms and having to walk through hallways seeing others sing and dance in rooms.

she titled her head down to glance at the nametag on her chest—kim jungeun—which was to be on her at all times. the lady walking in front of her turned around and smiled. 

“nervous?” the lady, who junguen assumed was a worker, asked. jungeun shook her head,  flashing a light smile in response. thank god you’re not as mean as the other one, she thought, thinking of the receptionist with the sour expression. it was early in the morning, yeah. jungeun understands but a light smile would be nice ( and this is coming from a master of the RBC ).

they stop at the gym and the lady parts from jungeun without saying a word, finding it less important than collecting the clipboards on the tables laid out across the large room. jungeun scans the room, looking for somewhere to sit as she waited to be measured. 

she finds the process redundant. height and weight were questions on the application but she assumes not everyone is as honest as her. insoles are a thing, she says to herself. her eyes squint when she sees a familiar face. she almost laughs because of all the people who could possibly be her good luck charm, it wasn’thim. but here he was, being the nuisance that he is. just sitting in a chair, minding his business. he glances at her, immediately turning his head away to pretendlike he’s listening to the person next to him. 

woojin. i know you can see me. his lack of attention causes her to move closer to him, stopping at the empty seat next to him. 

“is this seat taken,” the blonde asks. she really didn’t have anyone to sit with, as heejin was assigned to a different school. ( she makes a mental note to thank her best friend for the good luck essay sent to her. ) he doesn’t answer—typical woojin. “good ‘cause i was just wondering. i like my space." 

jungeun emphasizes the last word as she took the seat next to the one she was inquiring about. she crosses her arms as she waits for her name to be called and measurements to be taken. 

this was going to be a long day..

II-I : putting the motion in emotion — the skill showcase 

      june 2019. mga 5 skill showcase. wordcount: 3713 (damn wtf my bad…ily bianca) 
                   dancing to bellyache bybillie eilish(1:24 - 2:46 ) / outfit
              tw: slight mentions of food and tough mother-child r/s
         mentioning:@rkheejin,@rkxbin,@rkpwj,@rkkyul,@yuzurk

jungeun finds herself sitting inside the darkness of one of her mother’s studios. she was definitely procrastinatingand although it was only ten minutes since she decided to turn the lights off, any second spent not dancingwas a second wasted. 

she couldn’t think of a choreography to choose. first of all, she couldn’t think of a songto dance to. she muses on the idea of dancing without music. tap dancing? that’s something she could do—if she didn’t take this competition seriously. 

“jungeun!” the blonde jumps as her mother opened the door of the studio. her mom opens the lights of the studio abruptly, shaking her head upon seeing her daughter sit in the darkness. jungeun stood up, squinting her eyes as she tried to adjust to the unwelcomed burst of light. “i did notcancel a sum of my classes and let you borrow one of my studios for you to just meditate in the dark!”

ah, the perks of having a mom who owned her own dance academy. 

as soon as her mom left the studio, jungeun slid across the room with her socks to turn the lights off once again. she wasn’t done with her odd way of brainstorming but she hastily activated her melon app to play music, to fool her mother into thinking she was actually practicing. 

sensory deprivation was her last resort to help her come up with ideas. taking away her sight and touch allowed her to be left alone with her thoughts. but being left alone with her thoughts was going into a weird territory. or was it just the billie eilish playing that made her think that way? jungeun grabbed her phone—now playing: billie eilish. 

yup, it was definitely the billie eilish playing. 

the lightbulb inside jungeun’s brain suddenly blinks and she jumps. she almost trips, almost losing her chance to compete but the literal light is opened. its time to dance. she couldn’t waste anymore time. 

— flashback: first episode filming and the day after —

kim jungeun. 

her eyes widen upon hearing her name called. she almost blurts out, “are they calling my name?” though, its obvious she is the only kim jungeun there. the list of names continues to be read, then a brief moment of silence is held before the CEOs mention the next challenge.

right.fifty people is still a large number. despite it being smaller than one hundred, it still signified that jungeun needed to step it up. as each round passed and more people continued to be weeded out, it became increasingly obvious that those who remained were extremely skilled. she wanted to be smug and pretend that some of them weren’t betterthan her but that wasn’t true.

as she leaves the studio with heejin, she congratulates some of her friends who’ve also made it. she sees changbin and playfully tells him, “i put a word in or two for you, it must have work.” she also sees woojin and she gives him a single nod when their eyes meet ( because frenemies never seem to congratulate each other normally ). 

jungeun goes wherever the celebration requires her to be at but all she’s waiting for is to be home.heejin drags her to a get together with some other contestants and she tries not to drink as she tries to pick at the minds of her competitors. she feels the drag on her body as time goes on and she waits for the perfect opportunity to say her goodbyesandsee you’s. a few hours pass and she finally finds herself entering the code in her front door’s keypad. she opens the door, a detested expression on her face. her parents stand up from their couch, hopeful expressions on their face. 

“honey,” jungeun’s father is the first to say something. based on his daughter’s expression, he’s wary of saying the wrong thing. “we’re sorry…" 

"huh?” jungeun raises a brow. she picks up her beloved dog and hugs him, expression immediately lightening up. “sorry for what? do we have food? i’m really hungry right now." 

"your expression.” he added. if she wasn’t sad about the audition, what else could she have been sad about? 

“oh,” jungeun put her dog down and walked forward to hug her parents. she couldn’t find the energy to yell ‘i made it!’  “i made it to the second round but i’m really hungry right now.”

the family find themselves in a late night barbeque restaurant. the blonde’s had her fair share of late night barbeque sessions for the last few months. she told herself that she wouldn’t eat anymore meat, especially when she was about to join a competition but she revises that this is her lastsupper.her parents are more than proud of their daughter and they repeat that sentiment for a good thirty minutes. her parents bombard her with questions about her day and especially about the ceos. 

how pretty did katie lee look in real life? junghoon! 

the conversation continues to be nonchalant but you can never separate a dance mom from her game. jungeun’s mom flips her role from a supportive mom to a pushy coach. “so, what are you going to dance to next?" 

the next morning comes and the mother-daughter pair enter their academy. jungeun’s mother leaves to go to her office to handle some paperwork, while jungeun walks towards one of the empty studios. jungeun’s mother graciously( or so the elder adds ) allowed her daughter to use one of the studios. not that jungeun was going to ask her mother for permission anyways. 

—flashback over—

jungeun’s happy that an idea finallyappeared in her head because if it hadn’t, she might have tap-danced her way into the third round. it has only been three hours since she’s started practicing ( and a day after the first episode filming ) but she couldn’t waste anymore time. after sifting through songs and facetiming some of her colleagues, jungeun came up with a choreography to perform.

she wasn’t going to lie and say that she didn’thave any apprehension about the choreography she was going to perform. 

versatility wasn’t foreign to her but was taking a risk the best option for her? she presented an energetic yet flirty image with her first episode performance, which seemed to work. but, she couldn’t fall back on what’s safe. 

safe always gets boring somehow and jungeun was notboring. 

the choreography the dancer was performing was something she was definitely comfortable with. its style more in the vein of the styles she grew up dancing in—contemporary, modern, lyrical. but, its expression was definitely not something jungeun frequently played with. 

it was compelling, yet a bit creepy. 

was she ready for creepy? she knew that she wanted to stand out as much as possible but she didn’t know if giving the judges nightmareswas the best way to do so. either way, she pushed her apprehension aside and began to practice memorizing the steps. if she spent more time worrying, she wasn’t going to have anytime practicing. if she wasn’t going to spend time practicing, she wasn’t going to the third episode and so forth.

five, six, seven, eight. she chants those numbers dozens of times over the next few hours, to the point where she was certain she could do the choreography in her sleep. bathroom, eating, and sleeping are the only breaks she allows for herself. 

there’s a point where she’s exerted her muscles too much to continue practicing for the day. she was too lost in the music to realize that she stepped out into a completely pitch black academy and her mom no where to be found. 

goddamit, dancing to a billie eilish song was a bad idea. 

the next day arrives and fortunately, a paranormal experience exacerbated by the billie eilish songs she was listening to didn’t occur. again, she only takes breaks for the bathroom, eating, or sleeping. the rest of her time was spent on ensuring she had the technicalities down. if the first day was spent ensuring she got the choreography right until she was able to do it in her sleep, this day was spent ensuring she was able to do the choreography right if she magically projected out of her body ( if that was even possible ). 

the third day was new. she was getting to the point where muscle memory took the wheel. all was left was for her to make the choreography her own. to add her parts of her identity. to make breathe lifeinto it. 

she admits she was getting bored of performing in front of her reflection. she thought of anyone she could perform it to. her friends who were trainees were obviously too busy. heejin was singing and changbin was rapping—having them in the room would probably be simultaneously distracting. there were a few other contestants she knew but she didn’t have much trust for them to be in the room with her. 

ugh. 

she grabs her phone during a water break as she thinks of possibly the lastperson on earth who she wanted in the room with her. but, she was getting bored ( and maybe lonely ). 

kkt — to: park woojin

> hey. my mom owns a dance academy and has an extra studio that i’ve been practicing in. i don’t know if you’re still hoping that dancing thing would work out for you but if you needed a place to practice, i have one.
> *address attached*
> not that i want you there. my dad just tells me i need to do charitable things monthly. so this is my act of charity for this month.
> but if you decide to come, bring earphones or whatever. i don’t want to hear your annoying ass music.

she’s surprised when she sees her mom and the drummer/dancer at the door of the studio. she opens it, only to hear her mom say, "oh, i didn’t know you were planning to do a couple dance.”

jungeun ( and she’s sure woojin as well ) almost blurts out a loud what the fuck. but, jungeun closes the door without saying anything else and glares once at her mom. mental note: have the ‘he’s just a colleague’ conversation with mom later. 

the studio is big enough for the two of them…to be on separate sides of the room. they have earphones or airpods, in jungeun’s case because she alwayshas to mention it, placed in both of their ears. 

jungeun plays her music too loud to hear what the boy was dancing to but she assumes its either r&b or hip-hop from the flow of his movements. her goal was to immerse herself into the choreography she’s chosen, so she tries to lose herself in the music to focus on her facials and expression. her choreography is a bit out there and she notices woojin give her a whole ’what the fuck’ look through the mirror. she mouths, “fuck yourself” through the mirror and the two continue to dance while mildlyminding their own business. 

there was a point where she feels her stomach growl and she says the first thing to woojin since he arrived. “are you hungry? can—go to the convenience store with me. i can’t have you alone in the studio. your metal energy might thrash my mom’s shit and i’dbe the one getting into trouble.”

the two grab snacks, which jungeun graciouslypays for and tells him that its no big deal like a broken record. when the two return to the studio, they eat in silence as if a live ASMR mukbang was being filmed. they only speak when jungeun throws a packet at him and does the opengesture; he doesn’t understand her, so she shakes her head and says, “open.” she notices her tone is too demanding, even if it was towards him. “please.”  

he throws the packet back at her, almost spilling the contents all over the floor and she just sighs instead of calling him stupid. the two continue to practice in their separate sides of the studio. jungeun almost wants to ask him for his constructive criticism but she could read his expressions through the mirror. her pride was also a factor—she’ll never bow down to ask him for help in something thatimportant. when the night falls, the two leave the studio without any word except for jungeun telling him, “don’t let the monsters chase you.”

goddammit, listening to billie eilish for ten hours really was a bad idea. 

the next few days are spent perfecting her performance. the choreography was down but she needed to fullyembrace the oddities of it. she also spends time shopping. she wishes it was for leisure but she wanted to make an impression. at least, that’s what her excuse was for spending almost one hundred thousand won. 

in an almost rocky-like sequence, she asks her mom and most trusted teachers to help her sharpen her choreography. she performs it over and over again, having critiques thrown at her while she dances. more power! extend your leg out more! hold that pose more! keep it at 90 degrees! 

she dances until sweat is dripping down her forehead and pain is felt when she tries to inhale. she knows its over when her mother says, “alright, let’s get dinner now." 

jungeun’s mom was caring as a mother but tough as a dance instructor. since childhood, jungeun only remembers her mother supporting her dreams without question—from the simplest to the largest. but when it came to dancing, jungeun’s mother became more critical. jungeun supposed it was due to her mother’s background, considering she was once a prima ballerina. eunbi only stepped down on her own accord, not because she got into trouble or was physically inept. she was once the best, so she expected her daughter to be the best or better. 

jungeun would remember her mother immediately running to her side when she fell off a slide or swing as a child, immediately kissing the injury and buying the young girl her favorite ice cream. yet, her approach changed when jungeun would fall during a dance practice. did you flex your abdomen? your balance is weak, that’s why you fell. do it again. 

"kick their asses tomorrow,” jungeun’s mother suddenly breaks the silence in their car ride. “you got this.”

jungeun tries to hide a smile. you got this—its the first time she’s heard her mother say that in regards to a performance. and its all she needed. 

jungeun finds herself in a mnet recording studio once again. its like last week’s configuration but smaller. the change forces the blonde to put things in perspective. there’s less of them, so the competition is greater. jungeun scans the room for who really made it; there’s definitely more faces she’s familiar with than not. she says hi to those she knows and to a few she recognizes from the get-together yuzu held. 

her heart beats faster when she thinks about the fact that she’ll specifically be against other dancers. she’s sitting next to one—kyulkyung.she notices the raven haired girl was wearing shoes and she raises a brow. “no ballet today,” jungeun asks, tone playfully curious. jungeun taps her vans together unconsciously. she sees another competitor and possibly her life’scompetitor—woojin. she thinks he’s in good hands; she could tell from the day they practiced, when she was pretending to mark her steps to watch him dance instead. 

yet, pride is the devil on her shoulder. so she tells him, “i hope practicing at my mom’s studio saved you.”

when jungeun returns to her seat, she rubs her knees and spends the rest of the time waiting to talk to heejin and whoever else surrounded her. the loud boomplays once again. the lights shining on the five figures. the slow walking. she knows its all dramatics—tv ratings and all. though she really thinks she might be at mount olympus, waiting for the gods’ judgement upon her.

the festivities commence and the carousel of performances turn. everyone seemed to share the same thought; they needed to step their game up and it showed.she didn’t care much for the rapping and dancing performances, except for a few. scratch that, except for heejin’s. they’ve mentioned their ideas to each other once or twice but jungeun wanted to be surprised.so, she tells her best friend not to spoil her performance before hand too much. she claps when her best friend performs, stands up even. she holds her hands together by her cheek in awe. it seemed like heejin took a risk as well but jungeun had no doubt in the brunette.    

she claps out of respect for the dancers and rappers but she does so in a zombie-like fashion. she wasn’t paying much attention to analyze their performances. but she remembers a few that stand out. most of her attention is saved for all of the dancers. her eyes trace their steps and she counts the music that plays, wishingthat someone would miss a beat. she doesn’t notice much mistakes, causing her heart to beat faster and stomach to cramp. its anticipation and anxiety, every performance is spent with her internalizing wishes of being called next.   

finally, her name is called. she takes off her shoes before stepping on stage. she isn’t completely barefoot, as dance paws are worn around her feet. as she walks to the stage, which seems like forever,she thinks about how dance paws are one of the greatest invention known to dancers. less bulkier than wearing shoes but safer than being barefoot. she doesn’t think there’s anything greater than these, except for spandex. maybe.

its a bit redundant to introduce herself. its obvious. kim jungeun equates to dancer. instead of opening her mouth, trying to sass one of the judges, jungeun instead steps center stage. she stands still—arms relaxed to her sides, legs parallel to her shoulders. head is slightly dropped, as she waits for the technicians to play the music she provided.

sittin’ all alone mouth full of gum
in the driveway
my friends aren’t far
in the back of my car
lay their bodies

one of her favorite things about lyrical choreographies is that they were a blend of different styles. there was a certain point of grace that it required. it wasn’t graceful enough to be considered ballet. yet, there were pockets in the beat that required may require to pop or lock. but, the choreography wasn’t completely hip-hop. her extremities extended, like water flowing through a river, as billie sang and abruptly stopped, like water crashing onto a rock, whenever a clickwas heard. 

she appreciated the hybridity in lyrical routines. it was kind of like the warmporridge of the three bears’ and she was literally( thanks to her dyed hair ) goldilocks. but her favorite part of lyrical routines was its open gate of expression. she was allowed to give into the song and bare her emotions on the floor.  

if a song was a sorrowful ballad, she was free to contort her face to one of sadness. and maybe, if she was able to, cry on command. but this song required her to be one that’s lost.not lost in love or lost in dreams. but lost in thought and maybe darkness.  

where’s my mind
where’s my mind 

her limbs and torso aren’t the only parts of her body that contort. usually, dancers were advised to smile and keep their facials intact. even if they were in pain or tired. but, the lyrics were clouded with darkness and confusion. she forces her face to express the pain of performing the choreography. she admits it wasn’t a pretty face but matching the routine was more important for her. 

maybe it’s in the gutter where i left my lover
what an expensive fate
my V is for Vendetta
thought that i’d feel better

during her practices, she was apprehensive about this part of the routine. if she was doing this for a normal competition, she would have noproblem about it. but, this was largely an idolcompetition. and idols weren’t expected to be ugly or thrash around the floor. there’s a feeling in her gut that this portion would be edited into some sort of meme but she loses her pride on the floor. she moves on the floor, crawling and reaching for something. she tries to paint a scene with her expression. she wants the audience to wonder: what is she reaching for? is she trying to fight something? 

she was an actress and this was her big scene. the climax of the film. every movement brings her physically closer to the judges’ table. she decided that she would put her struggles into motion. everytime she moves her hands to reach, it represented the dreams she’s worked so hard to grasp. its hard to grasp and obstacles seem to find their way to her. she tries to express it by looking like she’s fighting against something. struggling. 

but now i got a bellyache 

the music briefly stops. the song takes a slight turn, playing billie’s altered vocals and a different beat. she dances with a smile on her face now as choreographed movements return. they’re faster than the first half of the choreography, some steps birthed by hip-hop routines. she didn’t look like she was struggling anymore. she was closer to achieving her dreams. being on the stage, she had nothing to fear and nothing to run from. 

she ended her routine on the floor, fluidly moving into her final position. she turns her head to the face at the judges, a smirk on her face appearing as the music ends. she stands up and bows to them, as she tries to control her breathing rate. she returns to her seat and the judges waste no time calling the next performer. the carousel moves once again, as jungeun tries to control her adrenaline rush. when it subsides, she feels her stomach contort again as the time for judges to evaluate draws closer. 

maybe i really do have a bellyache.  

I-II : ...but it must be said — the callback interview 

      june 2019. mga 5 callback auditions. wordcount: 1372
         featuring:@rkxbin,@rkheejin,@rkpwj,@rkyuna,@rkjeonghxn

fix your hair here, apply more lipstick. after her hair was returned to the half-up, half-down ‘do it was in, she was told to sit inside a smaller room. based on the equipment set up and sole chair in front of the cameras, she knew she would be interviewed.good, because i have a lot to say. she thinks its a good thing people couldn’t read thoughts. although most of her thoughts are verbalized anyways.

jungeun takes a seat on the chair; its high enough for her to dangle her legs as she waits for the interviewer. would it be one of the CEO’s? she knows the idea is probably too far-fetched but she hopes that the zero point one percent chance becomes true. the door opens and she stands up to bow and introduce herself. she bows first. “hello,” the blonde introduces herself. she chuckles when she realizes who her interviewer would be. the same interviewer from the general auditions. “i’m kim jungeun." 

she says her name with a slight giggle, as the interview displays an obvious not this shit again face. they both sit down in their respective seats and once again, he wastes no time.  

— kim jungeun-ssi, how did you feel when you received the news of the callback?

"ifelt,” jungeun paused. “happy. being an idol has been my dream since childhood. i’m happy i could finally do something to pursue that dream. i didn’t get to have a chance to do it last year." 

— why not?

"i wasn’t allowed,” jungeun felt so cheesy saying that. she felt like an elementary school student. “but, its fine, i had to finish high school first anyways. education is important." 

—did your parents not allow you? your parents, by the way, are pretty impressive. your mother used to be the grand prinicipal for the seoul national ballet, right? 

jungeun decides to dodge the first question. it wasthe truth, yes. but she didn’t want her parents to be viewed as too controlling. it was also choice to respect their wishes anyways. "i didn’t allow myself. like i said, education’s important.” jungeun nodded as her mother’s background was revealed. she didn’t add it on her application purposely. she hatedbeing told that her efforts were just handed to her. but she expected that someone would find out. 

“yeah, its no surprise that i’m a dancer then, right? being a one herself, my mom has higher standards for my output as a dancer. i can’t just rely on genes or family name, i had to work hard to get here." 

—dancingruns in the family then. how does this stage compare to the others you’ve been on? it wasn’t such a challenge, right? 

"not really,” jungeun’s telling the truth. dancing on a stage or competing for a prize was not a new battle. “but i think its the most expensive stage i’ve been on." 

—and the most expensive spotlightstoo.

jungeun’s surprised he references and remembers her first interview. see, i knew you were interested in what i had to say before. "yeah, kept me warm." 

they both laugh, a break in the interviewer’s usual demeanor. but he doesn’t falter further and continues with his questions.

— so it wasn’t a challenge? even when the judges were revealed? 

"ohthatwas a challenge indeed.” jungeun recalls her little banter with the trc ceo. she hopes he didn’t take her sass the wrong way. “but it was a honor to dance for them. that’s so cliche, but really. it was. i don’t want to jinx anything but if i didn’t make it through, i think they’ll know i’m someone to look out for." 

—besides the judges, it seemed like there were faces that were familiar to you. you sat next to jeon heejin, what’d you think of her performance? 

"ilovedit. am i being biased? she’s worked hard to perform on this stage. she wouldn’t be my friend if she didn’t.” jungeun pauses. the last statement probably came out too harsh but it wasn’t false. “i mean, i try to motivate my friends to do the best they can and they do the same to me. i try not to surround myself with others who don’t have passion for what they do; it tends to drag me down as well. skill can be sharpened but passion has a rawness to it—”

“—and i think that’s something heejin has. we’ve been friends since high school. her performance was an accumulation of her many years of practice and dedication. sounding like an absolute angelis just a plus.”

—it seems like you two are really close. how about park woojin? we’ve seen you talking to him quite a bit during the general auditions. 

her demeanor changes. crap, why’d you have to mention him out of ninety-nine others. “ohhim,” jungeun purses her lips. “he wasn’t bad enough to have gotten eliminated from the general auditions. i’m surprised, i guess he can do something else other than dr—”

jungeun doesn’t know if he and his band were still undergoing their hannah montana double life type of thing. so dramatic. if gaga can go from pop’s resident “weirdo” to raw country songstress, being in a rock band and doing idol shit was nothing.the interview was the perfect time to reveal his whole gig as a drummer but she decides not to. she respects him somewhatto give him the authority over his image. “—drag his feet across the floor like he’s playing just dance or dance dance revolution. i never seen him sing, that caught me off guard. whatever, he’s not too shabby at it. he sounds nice, actually. he should do it more often." 

she trails off with the last sentence, saying it in an almost-whisper. if it were ever aired, she didn’t want him to become all smug because of one compliment. 

—how about the other performances? do you have anything to say? good or bad. 

"hm. seo changbin. he’s crazy talented, isn’t he? he says he’s a quiet person. he is, but when he opens his mouth to speak, it really means something.” jungeun says it with sincerity, considering changbin is one of the only men she can tolerate. “you could tell it by his performance, he’s alwaystrying to create something new. so the judges should give him the chance to continue to display it.”  

“shin yuna. baby shark was solast year and that twist. it was a twistbut c'mon, its so expected.” jungeun slightly rolled her eyes. “she’s beautiful, though. at least she has that." 

"there’s so much to say. so much people too,” jungeun says it with a chuckle. if she had the chance, she wouldsit there and mention every. single. performance like she was an NBA commentator. score! foul. another three from the dancer from busan. 

—i could tell, i see your gears turning. but we don’t have the time. how about onemore.

“yoon jeonghan. i liked his song selection, it seemed like he was baring it all on the stage. but it would be embarrassing if he got eliminated. being too raw for nothing. it would be a shame.”

—you seem to have a lot to say about your peers’ performances. how about you? how do you evaluate yourself?

jungeun takes a deep breath. “i did my best. i’m not perfect, so there’s always a better possible output. but, i did my best and i put my allinto that stage. i think it would be unfortunate if i were eliminated. i still have a lot to show." 

—i see. well, good luck, jungeun-ssi. 

"thank you,” jungeun says, bowing as she left her seat. 

“see you soon.” she says the last line with certainty and with a dash of hope, hoping to manifest her future. she can’tbe eliminated so early. she’s so close to her dream and it would be a shame if they took it away from her. 

( and as much as she hates to admit it, she’d blame herself more if she didn’t do her best to stay. )

 I-I : god, nor buddha — the callback audition 

       june 2019. mga 5 callback auditions. wordcount: 1813 ( tw : anxiety ) 
           dancing to superloveby tinashe ( 0:00-11 song intro ; 1:50 - 2:36;2:44-58 outro)

there’s a pit in her stomach. she’s not sure if its butterflies. perhaps its the egg casserole she ate this morning? or worse—anxiety.she can’t pinpoint what it is. but she definitely knows that she doesn’t appreciate the feeling. 

she remembers her heart beating rapidly after seeing a callbackemail. she couldn’t believe it. well, not really. she couldbelieve it. she expected it even. but she’s trying this new thing called humility.apparently, it brings good fortune. 

she laments if she pulled out all the stops for her audition at seoul arts.it must have worked if the judges wanted more. or maybe, it was all due to her outrageous interview. it might have been her speed painting skill. she’s full of maybes and perhaps lately but one thing’s for certain. she put everythingin that audition and if she put her all in one simple audition, she decided she would continue to do so. all and all, until she couldn’t perform anymore. 

though, she’s sure that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. no—she hopesit isn’t going to happen anytime soon. ( humility. ) 

jungeun read the email once, then twice, then thrice. making sure she understood what was said. making sure she knew what to preparefor because she was sure there was much more in store than what was written. for the short time she was given, she practiced for hours on end. the night before she had a good night’s rest, the morning of a proper breakfast and tightly tied shoelaces. she was ready..

or so she thought.

her eyes widened as she entered the auditorium. suddenly, it felt real. her mouth is wide open, saying words like, this is it, we’re here to her best friend by her side. they find seats to sit in, two out of one hundred. 

dancing in front of judges was one thing. a filmed audition was another. dancing in front of her peers? a battle.this was war and jungeun, in all her dramatics, was in the front line. she needed to stand out; she couldn’t stand to be part of the ninety-nine. she needed to be that one. 

it was now a waiting game, with a mix of a reunion, inside the large room. jungeun noticed a few familiar faces here and there. some she cared about and some she definitely cared less about. she yelled a few hellos to the former group and a curt smile to the latter group ( she wasn’t in the mood for any theatrics ). 

she thought about running to the stage, starting an impromptu random play dance or dance battle. anything to rile the audience up. most importantly, anything to gain attention or a warning that she wasn’t one to be idle. she hesitated a bit but the anxiety was enough to completely discard the idea. instead, she decided to observe her peers. who was a quiet one? who would be a good ally?

jungeun tried to gather information from what she could see in her peers. the action almost causes her to lose focus on most of her surroundings. she jumps in her seat when she hears a giant boomfrom the speakers. five figures follow the noise and jungeun jumpsin her seat. it doesn’t take much to figure out whothe figures are.

if performing in front of her peers was like a battle, then performing in front of the big five CEOs was like judgement day. a good or bad battle but you die either way, getting automatically sent to the gates of heaven to determine whether you’ll be a martyr. alternatively, landing in a boat on the river styx. or perhaps being reborn, a sequela from never obtaining nirvana. jungeun really feels like she’s in the presence of deities. it wasn’t too far-fetched. now that they knew the big five were judging, it really felt like their fates were in the hands of gods. they even entered the scene like they were gods—large shadows that eventually presented larger-than-life individuals. jungeun prays to god, buddha, even aphrodite and any deity around for the judges’ mercy.

jungeun turns her head towards heejin, squeezing the brunette’s hand. if jungeun felt nervous, she assumed those feelings were her best friend’s as well. she’s so thankful she’s with heejin for this one. being away for the first audition was bearable but she needed her for this one. after a few words, the auditions begin. some good, some bad, some…questionable.overall, she knew that this wasn’t going to be easy but she always believed success tasted better when it was well earned.

jungeun reacts accordingly. it isn’t surprising to find out that she spent an hour or two thinking about what imageto present at this audition. cheerful, supportive girl just happy to be there? overly critical and smug girl? she could have been one hundred and one different girls. one hundred and one different cliches.but, she decides to use the greatest cliche of them all—being yourself.

she smiles when she’s interested in a performance. or, a habit she learnt from dance studios in LA, her woo’sandaw yeah’s when someone just does it right.she raises a brow when she’s dissatisfied with a performance. she doesn’t stop to make an oohface when a note isn’t reached or a beat is missed. she takes the occasional glance at the judges, trying to see if her reactions matched with theirs’.

the performances go on and on like those automatic doors that spin. its almost like a routine, which she gets bored of. until, its hertime to go on stage. 

she stands from her seat, smiling at the little line of encouragement from heejin. she feels her knees wobble slightly, making her reprimand herself. walk, jungeun. right, left. left, right. suddenly, she finds herself on the stage. it takes her a moment to speak. looking at the judges, then ninety-nine others felt like a giant first day of school scenario. 

“hi, i’m kim jungeun.” what kind of generic ass greeting. it was all she can muster to say, nerves trying to fight for control. she didn’t stutter ( thankfully ) but she knewshe could say more. without a plain tone, at that. 

“hello jungeun,” it was tiger jk’s turn to speak. the ceo lazily flipping over her file while speaking to her. “so can you tell us what you’re doing today?" 

”can i just show you?“ jungeun replies. fiesty but not forgetting to say it with respect, because she couldn’t afford having an attitude scandal before she even started. the judges are a bit taken aback, wondering where the seemingly nervous girl present a few seconds ago went. 

"go ahead then,” the ceo replies. jungeun thinks, hopes, he was pleasantly surprised with the shift. she said words that shown she wasn’t one to be truly timid, but now it was time to do what she did best—show it. 

jungeun smugly smiled and turned around to get into starting position. the spotlights moved to shine on her, allowing her to soak it in before the music started.

love, love, love, love
love, love, love, love

her back was still faced away from the audience, but her body started to move. she allowed herself to let the music run through her limbs and hips.

super love
they will never love you babe, like i love you babe

she turned around once she heard the super love, strutting forward in a slower fashion. she mouthed the words to the audience, finger waving from side to side at they will never love you. she smiled at like i love you, her preparation to shift from slower to faster movements.  

i’m sophisticated, super classy, uncle luke, freak, nasty

she started to dance to the choreography she’s practiced over and over. she admits she wasn’t the best at choreographies that required an immense amount of power and sharp movements. but, a good thing about dancing was that there was always room for adding your own style. 

through the years, she found strength in the fluidity she earned through her training with ballet and contemporary. she hit the sharp moves the choreography required but allowed herself to melt with the melody where it allowed. 

jungeun matched her facials with the vibe of the song. she recalls having difficulty with what kind of song she wanted to choose. she wasn’t one to be sensual. she definitely wasn’t one to be cutesy. going full on girl crush was something expected of her, so she didn’t want to do it. this song was flirty, sexy, bubbly but above all fun. jungeun kept a smug smile on her face as she danced. it was perfect for the summertime ( and jungeun pats herself on the back for choosing to dance to it. )   

her wavy hair bounces along with her every step. she chose an outfit that would stand out—heavily tailored pants with a red tank top. of course, it was all in red. the color of love, passion, anger, and warmth. personally, her favorite and luckycolor. 

jungeun’s learned that its better to lose yourself in the music and focus on the outcomes later. thinking too hard gives a window for lost of movement control. but, jungeun decides to take a risk and pay attention to the audience reaction. just a peek. she doesn’t see everyone ooh-ingorahh-ing as she expected. but she doesn’t falter. its not her fault that some people are just lackluster from their performance and reaction. ( in her humble opinion. ) 

i want you, i want you, i want you to be my baby 

she strays from doing the choreography at this point, removing the bun from the top of her head, letting her hair fully flow in all its power. moving her hips and feeling the music, she moves in a circle, raising her hands up towards the audience. she throws her hair tie to the side of the stage before moving to the floor to finish up her routine. the floor portion of the routine wasn’t toomuch. mostly because she wasn’t the most comfortable about sexily dancing on the floor. but, she didn’t want to look like a mop ( having hair that resembles one doesn’t help either ). 

baby say you promise you will never change
you know, you know, you know 

as the song slows down, she slowly stands up and returns to her first position by putting her hip out and placing her hand on it.  

the dancer turns around and bows to the judges. she walks away from the stage, allowing the rotating door of performances to continue. she doesn’t bother to say anything, because she said it herself—she’llshowthe judges what she’s made of. 

she just hopes they were able to see it properly.

0-V : sing your heart out — second skill

        june fourteen. seoul arts high school. wordcount: 852
               ( acapella ) lights by ellie goulding : 0:00 - 0:55 !

jungeun’s exhausted at this point. she tries not to display it but she’s ready to nap. no—she’s ready to hibernate. this day was really a test of her stamina and patience,the latter being run thin by certain people. ( one specifically named woojin. ) 

she almost screams grace when she hears the announcement for their allotted twenty minute break. aside from a short bathroom and refreshment break, jungeun decides to keep her focus on the audition. to her belief, any time spent that wasn’t towards getting a few minutes of practice was time wasted. so she decided to use it to practice for her second skill.  

until a few months ago, singing was more like a hobby. 

first and foremost, she was a dancer. in a group, she never thought of being assigned anything but main dancer. yet, the idol world is always changing and she has to change alongside it. she admits that she isn’t the best singer. yet she buffers the damage to her ego by thinking she’s not bad at all.apply practice where needed, that’s all. 

she finds herself a small corner that doesn’t have much people. she has learned that the second skill presentation was purely improv.so, she couldn’t stray too much from what she was good at. most importantly, she couldn’t stray from what she was comfortable at. 

she was not mariah. she was not whitney. she was not beyonce. 

she wasn’t even selena gomez. 

to put light on the shade, jungeun decided to sing lightsby ellie goulding. there wasn’t any vocal acrobatics jungeun would have to put her vocal cords in. but it also wasn’t boring.most importantly, it was a song jungeun could relate to. 

she thanks her time lived in america for strengthening her skill in the english language and subsequently, strengthening her understanding of the song. she found herself relating to parts of the song, the lyrics captioning certain parts of her personal journey. she remembers the darkness she felt last year, feeling trapped and unable to pursue her dreams. 

but that was in the past. completely in the past. she hammered that thought in her head throughout the day. she was here now, at the fifth mga’s, ready to pursue her dreams. 

she was happy that her first audition was for her strongest skill. in all honesty, she’s exerted most of her energy and effort towards her dance performance. she doesn’t regret it, knowing that she put her all into the skill she’s most passionate in.    

still, it doesn’t hurt to try. the twenty minutes pass in the blink of an eye ( and she isn’t so sure she was able to practice singing much ). 

the process repeats. stand by practice room, watch people practice, get called, walk in confidently. 

the staff in front of her are now familiar faces, but this is possibly ( yet not hopefully ) her final performance. she bows in front of them, “hello again, i’m kim jungeun and i’ll be singing ‘lights’ by ellie goulding today.” 

she starts to sing the song, taking her time to savor the song. she tries not to sing too fast out of nervousness and she tries not to sing too slow, making a snoozefest out of herself.

i had a way then 
losing it all on my own
i had a heart then
but the queen has been overthrown

her singing voice is light and airy as it always is. ( maybe even nasally at times, if you find her annoying. ) she closes her eyes, trying to feel the music that isn’t in the room. 

and i’m not sleeping now
the dark is too hard to beat
and i’m not keeping up
the strength i need to push me

she’s thankful that the song doesn’t require high notes, vibrato, or anything too advanced for her. it requires sounding good at least, so she tries to annunciate the words to her best ability. she doesn’t mumble, afraid of turning into an indie girl meme on american twitter.  

you show the lights that stop me turn to stone
you shine it when i’m alone
and so i tell myself that i’ll be strong
and dreaming when they’re gone
cause they’re calling, calling, calling me home
calling, calling, calling home
you show the lights that stop me turn to stone
you shine it when i’m alone
oh

she continues to sing, eyes fluttering open as she nears the end of the chorus and her performance. she ends the last line with an added oh, a word that wasn’t in the original. she bows to the judges once more, thanking them. 

“thank you.” jungeun says. 

“thanks,” one of the staff members say, obvious wear in their voices. she remembers she wasn’t the only one that was absolutely exhausted. she hopes that her performance, her overall performance, was enjoyable enough for her to move on to the next round. but it was out of her hands now and into the universe’s. she did what she could, she tried her best.  “you may return your nametag and leave. good luck.”