#abuse tw

The bizarre cognitive dissonance of listening to your mom talk about the things she wanted to do to you when you were a kid and hearing everyone laugh because they think it’s a joke and laughing along because nothing else is safe, but it’s not a joke, and you’re flashing back to when you were a kid and those threats were real and terrifying…

missmentelle:

If you’ve ever had to deal with an abusive person in your life - like an abusive parent or partner - you’ve probably wondered what made them treat you that way. If you understand why abuse is happening, the thinking goes, you might be able to figure out how to make it stop. 

So why do abusers do what they do? Do they have anger issues? Drinking problems? Past trauma? Personality disorders? Do they just need to get in touch with their feelings and learn how to communicate better?

Nope. 

Abusive behaviours come from abusive beliefs. Abusers - whether consciously or unconsciously - hold specific beliefs about relationships that drive their behaviour and allow them to justify the horrible things they do. Even if your abuser has never put their beliefs into words, you’ll probably recognize a lot of these abusive beliefs:

• You are responsible for my emotions. It is never my responsibility to reflect on my emotional reactions or learn better coping skills - it’s your responsibility to stop doing things that make me angry or upset.
• I must act on my emotions. If I am angry, I am going to lash out. You have no right to criticize me for that, and it’s not my responsibility to learn to manage my  emotions - you have to stop making me lash out at you. Asking me not to act on my emotions is controlling and wrong.
• You will always be responsible for my emotions. Even if the relationship ends, you will continue to be responsible for my emotions, and I will expect you to continue to prioritize my feelings.
• If I have feelings about something, it’s my business. If something you do or think causes an emotional reaction in me, then I have a right to get involved or tell you what to do. My feelings must be the priority. You don’t have the right to tell me that it’s none of my business. 
• You must judge me on my intentions, not my actions. If I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you, then you don’t have the right to be hurt or scared. No one has the right to try to hold me accountable unless I meant to hurt someone.
• I get to decide what your intentions were. If you hurt me, you meant to hurt me. If you make me jealous, you meant to make me jealous. Nothing you do is ever accidental or unintended - everything you do is intentional and malicious, even if it was a response to something I did.
• My feelings are genuine; your feelings are manipulation. If I’m upset, my feelings are real and important. If you are upset, you have an ulterior motive - you’re just trying to be manipulative and get attention or sympathy for yourself.
• You have freedoms because I allow you to. Every freedom you have in your life - like wearing what you want - it’s because I generously allow it. I expect you to be grateful to me for that. I have the right to take those freedoms away whenever I want, and I expect you to obey.
• If you set boundaries with me, you are mistreating me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t set boundaries with me. You are doing this to intentionally hurt me, which means I don’t have to respect those boundaries.
• You holding me accountable for hurting you is worse than me hurting you. My pain at being called out is worse than your pain at being mistreated. If I feel bad about something I did, I have already been punished enough. You trying to discuss the issue or hold me accountable is just your way of abusing me.
• If I apologized for something, you have to forgive me. If the relationship has ended, you have to reconcile with me. You don’t get to ask for more time apart or more discussion of the issue - once I’ve apologized, the matter is closed for good.
• The relationship is not over until I say it is over. So long as I want a relationship with you, you must have a relationship with me. Your feelings are irrelevant. Even if we have broken up, you must remain available to me so we can get back together in the future. Not wanting a relationship with me means you are mistreating me or being immature. 
• I am the authority in this relationship. I am smarter and more perceptive than you. I know what is best for both of us. My version of events is always the correct one. I have superior judgement, taste and opinions. If you question me or disagree with me after I’ve given you the correct answer, you are disrespecting and mistreating me, or you are simply immature and incapable of knowing what’s good for you.
• I have the right to control you. It is my absolute right to decide what you do and who you associate with. You have no right to disobey me. I am owed obedience and control; if you don’t give me those things, you are wronging me and cheating me out of the relationship I deserve. 
• If you resist my control, I am allowed to do whatever I think is necessary to get it back. Once you’ve resisted me, I am justified in whatever I do to regain control of you. I am not responsible for my actions when you resist my control; you forced me to do it, and it’s your own fault. 
• I should be your main focus. Everything else in your life comes secondary to me. When you make decisions, my feelings should be your first consideration. You are expected to make sacrifices for me and put me at the center of your life; I am not obligated to do the same for you. 
• If I spend money on you or do something for you, you are in debt to me. You spending money on me or doing things for me does not erase your debt to me, and I am never in debt to you. You are indebted to me for as long as I decide. I may decide that your belongings and earnings also belong to me, since I allow you to have them. I may also decide at any time that you owe me for gifts I gave you, even if they were meant to be gifts.
• I am not abusive, and you are not allowed to tell me otherwise. I know what abuse is, and real abusers are significantly worse than me. If our relationship has ever had any good times or positive moments, it can’t possibly be abusive. If you accuse me of being abusive, you are the one abusing me, or you have been led astray by bad influences. 
• Relationships should be effortless (for me). I am owed a relationship that is peaceful and requires no real effort from me. It is your job to make sure we have that kind of relationship. If there is any tension or conflict in the relationship, it is your fault, and you are depriving me of the relationship I deserve to have. 

Abusers and victims alike often buy into the narrative that abuse is rooted in anger issues - after all, abusers are frequently angry, and anger is an issue that can be treated. But this narrative just isn’t true. Abusers aren’t abusive because they are angry. Abusers are angry because they are abusive. 

A non-abusive partner is not someone who has learned how to control their rage whenever you spend time with your friends or get home 15 minutes late from work. A non-abusive partner just doesn’t feel any rage in those situations. An abuser’s rage is firmly rooted in their beliefs about relationships - they feel entitled to a relationship that meets their impossible expectations, and when they inevitably don’t get it, they bubble over with fury. Whether they know it or not, they have firmly entrenched beliefs about how relationships should be, and those beliefs are at the heart of their abuse. 

Can abusers stop believing these things? Maybe. If they can acknowledge that they have these beliefs, accept that these beliefs are dangerous and unreasonable and let go of these beliefs, maybe it’s possible for them to no longer be abusive in the future. Maybe. But it’s not your job to hang around and find out. If you’re in an abusive relationship of any kind, you deserve better. There are many people in this world who don’t hold abusive views of relationships, and you deserve to find happiness with them. 

biexboyfriend:

Whenever we bring up bisexual peoples high rates of abuse, sexual assault,poor mental health, etc theres always people ready to say things like, ‘you’re just making it a competition now’, ‘this would be the same for other lgbt groups if they were also in these circumstances’, ‘bisexuals are just trying to victimise themselves’. theres a knee jerk reaction to minimise the problem or to explain it all away, any reason we’re struggling or facing problems is never due to the stigma of bisexuality, always something else or it gets dismissed as bisexuals wanting attention again .

Discussions of these stats in the lgbt community tend to place the blame on factors outside of the community for example bisexual peoples high rates of abuse is always explained as a result of our proximity to cishets, any other lgbt person would be treated badly if they were dating cishets (there is no doubt that this is the case, for example it can be seen in stats from the same survey cited by bisexuals about our own abuse that lesbians face a significant amount of abuse from men). But this totally disregards abuse in same gender relationships. and 1. that doesnt negate the fact that bisexual people still have alarmingly high rates of abuse 2. theres evidence to suggest that bisexuals are also more likely to face abuse in same gender relationships. which suggests that bisexuality is actually a factor in why bisexuals face such high rates of abuse.

The impulse to deny any intracommunity problems on one hand comes from the need to protect the community from cisheterosexist society, and thats a valid concern. But this can also mask an indifference to solving bigotry in the community. When we consider how many studies cite rejection from both cishet and lgbt communities as a reason why bisexuals tend to struggle so much, I don’t think its fair to say this is a small problem.

So I’m writing down more for therapy, because I need to figure out what I feel like I never got to tell anyone over the years because I didn’t have a support system at home OR with friends, because no one believed that my parents were abusive. And sentence after sentence I’m realizing that my mom just literally thought I was purposefully trying to destroy her life because I’m just fucking autistic and didn’t understand anything she was trying to get out of me. So I started shutting down, going nonverbal during me getting in trouble and was called a psychopath instead because I stopped trying to explain myself. I even started laughing during getting beat because it was just hilarious to me that they thought that was going to help me understand what they wanted. I literally faked my entire persona AND skill sets throughout childhood and high school in order to seem normal. I built this whole tough, sarcastic personality online out of personal rage for no one respecting ME. I faked everything throughout six years of Napa because it was unsafe for me to be anything but straight and neurotypical.

Yikes.

twofacedcalf:

twofacedcalf:

there are people bringing their pet alpacas in pirate cosplay to pose outside the courthouse with that man’s lawyer every day meanwhile amber can’t get to the car without the crowd screaming misogynistic slurs at her but yeah no tell me about how this experience is equally horrible and traumatic for both parties

all of her witnesses including her friend’s ex husband who happens to be a male victim of dv had to private their social accounts because they immediately started receiving threats. her psychologist (who also testified against keith raniere and r kelly) had her reviews flooded with negativity after she took the stand. all of her friends who were witnesses admitted they’ve grown apart over the years and i have to believe at least some of it is from the continued harassment they’ve received from that man’s supporters as they’ve continued to testify multiple times for amber. you call this equal fucking ground…..she is so fucking alone. even most of the people who dare to speak up against the way the trial is being covered are criticizing exactly that — the media. everyone is willing to mock her by name but the second someone tells them it’s harmful they’re apologizing to some vague third part. my heart is broken for her in so many ways.

meanwhile that man’s lawyer is being hugged by fans like she just saved an innocent man from the electric chair and getting tiktok velocity edits made for her and people are asking her earnestly if they’re dating. but yeah no no no it’s all very equal and balanced and it’s definitely all amber’s fault if victims are scared to come forward after this!

killtheteendream:

The Daily Wire Spent Thousands of Dollars Promoting Anti-Amber Heard Propaganda

twofacedcalf:

twofacedcalf:

at the end of the day that man’s defenders have gone full qanon like it doesn’t matter what she says or how many photos of her bruises or the insane amount of property damage she has. it doesn’t matter that there are audio recordings of him screaming at her “you don’t exist” and telling her nobody will believe her or or admitting to head butting her or threatening to hurt himself while she begs him to stop. everyone jumped at the first chance to take their foot off this man’s neck so they wouldn’t have to face the reality that he’s a piece of shit and now they won’t see anything else. even the dumbass “mutual abuse” crowd refuses to acknowledge the way only one of them is being smeared and mocked relentlessly across the internet (and now on snl, apparently.) it doesn’t matter to them that her allegations against him were made in 2016, well before there was a mainstream metoo movement to “take advantage of”. it doesn’t matter! does anyone else feel like dying

actually the worst part is how many young people pride themselves on being “too smart” to fall for propaganda are the ones leading the online charge against this woman because they watched a tiktok “debunking” her claims