The bizarre cognitive dissonance of listening to your mom talk about the things she wanted to do to you when you were a kid and hearing everyone laugh because they think it’s a joke and laughing along because nothing else is safe, but it’s not a joke, and you’re flashing back to when you were a kid and those threats were real and terrifying…

My therapist summed it up today as “your mother’s abuse gave you a traumatic brain injury that left you disabled for life” which sounds absolutely insane, put like that. Even though I can’t say it’s at all inaccurate.

I don’t know how I feel about this.

Cursing and crying…

But getting it done.

Really stacking on the debuffs tonight. Drunk. Dissociating. Drugged.

He was here. It was fine. At the time. But I took the maximum dose of my anxiety meds to make it be fine.

Anyway. I’m doing really good.

I want a hug from my mom, but only the fantasy version of her that loves me.

(Fantasy isn’t the right word. I can’t even imagine her loving me.)

I want attention.

But I want everyone to leave me alone.

I want people to want to talk to me and be around me.

But I want to be alone.

I’m tired of being the bigger person and always reaching out first and saying what I mean and considering everyone’s feelings, and I want someone to consider my feelings for once.

But I’m a monster who doesn’t even have feelings, and it would be better if I was alone.

I’m not even lonely but I keep trying to start conversations.

No, I don’t know what’s going on either.

I almost appreciate my nightmares. I’m always screaming in them. In real life, I’m not sure I can scream.

I’m always screaming and fighting back and begging them not to hurt me. In reality, I was always just quiet and still and let it happen. Maybe I thought that was what they wanted. Maybe I thought that would make it hurt less.

It didn’t.