Warnings: Language.
Taglist:@charabs​@bisexualcrowley​@emilyprentisswife​@detective-giggles​@natasha-danvers​@stardust-fray​@ineedafinghug​@veteranwerewolf95​ @haruren30 @billiedeannovak​@stardust-galaxies​ @larenhope13 @vivis-ghost-wife​@beccabarba​@imlike-so-gaydude​@wannabe-fic-reader​@sarcasticmami​@lawandorderimagines​@gaylorrds​@mspetey​@rwbyfan16​@infiniteoddball​@delphineecormierr​

*

The following week you were just around the corner from Hogan Place briefly stopping for coffee when you got a text from Liz saying she needed to see you before you headed into court. Sighing, figuring you knew what this was about, you added a second latte to your order before dropping off what you didn’t need in your office.

“How much trouble am I in?” You cut to the point as you stepped through Elizabeth’s doorway.

“A good morning would be nice.” She replied, pausing in her work as you rolled your eyes, placing the coffee down in front of her.

“Good morning.” You perched yourself on one of the chairs in front of her, “can I do anything for you today?”

“You can learn how to play nice.”

“So this is about Novak.” Elizabeth eyed you over her coffee,

“Have you done something else this week that I should be concerned about?”

“Probably…”

“Well let’s start with trying notto tell brand new prosecturers to the department to go fuck themselves on their first day of work.”

“Okay but—“ She held up a finger and it shut you down instantly. You knew you probably had it coming but Donnelly was usually fair in her rulings.

“She wanted to lodge a formal complaint.” A pause for coffee, or dramatic affect, dealer’s choice, “I told her I’d talk to you about it. From what it sounds like both of you were incredibly out of line, and I’ve already had a phone call with Cragen I’d rather not have to make again to address his squad. I understand she thinks you threw her to the wolves with that warrant?”

“That wasn’t on purpose. I needed the warrant at the scene, I hadn’t had time to look over the case yet and knew if the paper wasn’t on the scene those two would probably dig up something more that wouldn’t stand up in court. I was just trying to save a headache further down the road. Honest.”

“I also understand she said something about Alex that may have struck a nerve?” She cocked a brow at you and you sighed.

“Yes, that’s where the fuck you came in…and the yelling…but to be fair she did start the yelling first.”

“You can’t just tell people to fuck off whenever they bring up Alex, I know you’re hurting but you’ll end up burning a lot of bridges that way.” You brow scrunched as you glanced up at the older woman, realizing Casey hadn’t been one hundred percent honest with her wording.

“She said she just mentioned Alex?” A small nod, causing you to scoff, “she said and I quote; ‘you can’t all hate me just because I’m not some dead girl’. So yeah…that struck a nerve. Whether or not she knew the details it wasn’t something okay to say.”

“Well Casey knows that now.” Liz sighed, “she understands she crossed a line, and intends to make sure she doesn’t toe said line again.” She folded her arms on the desk in front of her, “she may be green to sex crimes, but she’s what this department needs right now, and she did save that little girl.”

“I know…” you took another sip of your drink, “so how long am I out for?” You were surprised when Liz let out a laugh.

“I can’t bench you right now! To be completely honest, I’m not even mad, just a little disappointed!”

“Oh come on Liz! You know that’s worse!” You shook your head at the gleam in her eye.

“The two of you need to sit down and apologize to each other, put whatever differences you have aside and play nice from now on.”

“You sound like my Mother.”

“What can I say, you’re the only kids I have.” She smirked, “which is why I’m worried about you.”

“Liz…I’m fine..well..I will be.” You distracted yourself picking at the rim of your coffee cup.

“Do you know why Branch and I agreed that Casey’s a good fit for SVU, and why she needs to stay on?” You glanced up at her, a brow raised, “she’s passionate, and she’s got heart…”

“You always said that was my thing…”

“You, Alex and Sonya were a fucking well oiled machine working together. It absolutely amazed me. It didn’t matter who the detectives called, you knew which one of the three of you would be best for the case and would swap things around to make it work best to get a conviction and justice for those victims. And then you worked together to help each other see a side of the case you might’ve missed. If the squad was being abrasive, you sent in Paxton with her no nonesense bullshit, Alex took the ones that needed an emotionless prosecutor who could take the blame if something happened during investigation, and you were the one who took everything involving a child, and the most live victims. You were the heart of the machine. But I think spending so much time with Alex, your ideals started to bleed into each other, she got softer, you started to toughen up. And in the past month, all I’ve seen from you is little tendencies and behaviours of Alex shining through. I don’t want you to end up as jaded as me down the road, and I certainly don’t want to see you make any kids cry on the stand.”

“Even if they’re an accomplice to murder?” You teased back, a small smile on your face.

“Even then.” She softly smiled at you before an alarm on your phone buzzed.

“Duty calls.” You sighed, standing from the chair as you gathered your things. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet, something like this happens again and I will bench you and I won’t be happy if I’ve got to do your job on top of mine.”

“Noted.”

“Now go channel your inner Cabot and make Reynolds cry on the stand.”

“I’ll do my best.” You let out a light laugh before giving her a nod of departing, darting across the street to the courthouse.

As it turned out, your day in court went a lot better than you’d expected after getting verbally reprimanded first thing in the morning. It had been a bit of a tricky case, you were thankful at least that it was lead by Munch and Fin, able to avoid the so called dynamic duo in the meantime. You easily led them both through their testimonies, Granger did his best to try and swing them off their game, but they didn’t vary from their statements or get riled up. It made your job one hell of a lot easier.

Reynolds took the stand after lunch, Granger painting him as a saint, but slipping up at one point in his questioning. It had you quietly scrambling through your paperwork as you prayed that you hadn’t mixed up your cases, if you were right, Reynolds had just dug himself a whole he definitely wouldn’t have been able to get out of.

As it turned out, you were able to comply with Donnelly’s wishes, channeling your inner Alex with this new connection of information you had the bastard in tears on the stand. A feat you’d accomplished for the first time.

Munch and Fin congratulated you once the jury had left to deliberate, offering to buy you a drink or two. You politely declined, not wanting to curse the verdict before it came in, and knowing you had a still relatively fresh case you needed to crack into back at the office.

**

It was late, entirely too late. The clock nearly passing midnight, Hogan Place was long deserted, but Casey had been utterly determined to prove herself on her new cases that she was willing to sacrifice her sleep. She’d only packed up her things when an old friend sent her a rather intoxicated text message, leading her to check the time, realizing how late it was, knowing she had an arraignment in the morning.

Making her way down the hallway she noticed a sliver of light escaping into the hall from an office door she’d previously never seen open. Slowing as she passed the door she realized why it had always been closed, the name ‘Alexandra Cabot’ monogrammed across the opaque window. She was about to move on, figuring it was had been left open by a cleaner or maintenance, when she heard a shudder of a breath and a sniffle coming from inside. Curiousity got the best of her, even though she didn’t really want to intrude, especially if her suspisions were right. She was on thin ice as it was. The softest of knocks on the door she pushed it open a fraction of an inch further, making sure to stay out of the office. You were sat on the couch, head in your hands, clearly upset.

“VanRiel?” Her voice broke through your foggy brain, wiping your face of any tears before you glanced up at her. The redhead stood so hesitantly in the doorway you nearly laughed as if she was prepping to get her head bitten off again.

“Novak? Why’re you here so late?”

“I could ask the same of you.” She replied, noticing the spread out case files on the coffee table, the scribbled out words on a legal pad, the bottle of scotch beside it. You sighed wearily,

“It’s stupid really…”

“I doubt it.” Casey leaned gently against the doorframe, still wanting to give you space.

“I got stuck on the Jeremy Brice case…I was on autopilot before I even realized where I was…and when I realized she wasn’t here…I couldn’t bring myself to leave. Like a part of me thinks if I just keep waiting she’ll walk through the door again like nothing ever happened.” Your hand reached out, taking a swig of scotch from your glass, “in a building surrounded by another hundred A.D.A’s and I’ve never felt more alone…” pausing slightly you hummed over the rim of your glass, “you remember when we were younger, some adult would make a comment about how the only friends they had were from work and how it would just seem absolutely ridiculous?” Casey nodded, “doesn’t seem so ridiculous anymore. Two people vanish from my life and it’s like I have no one to talk to anymore.”

“I feel that…”  You pulled your gaze away from the spot of nothing you were staring at, your glassy eyes actually meeting hers.

“You can come in y’know, I’m not gonna yell at you again. It’s not like I can afford two suspensions in one year.” Casey hesitated ever so lightly, but couldn’t help the huff of a laugh at your admission. “Grab a glass.” You nodded towards the shelf.

She obeyed, plucking one from the tray, dropping her bag into a spare chair before sitting on the couch. There was still a sizeable amount of space between you, the air of caution due to the only two in person interactions you’d managed to have both ending up with harsh words. If she’d needed anything from you, or you’d needed to pass a case off, you’d done it through texts or had one of the detectives do it for you. You tipped the bottle of amber liquid, filling her glass a few fingers, she muttered a soft ‘thanks’, a surprisingly calm silence briefly took over the office. It was as if Alex’s presence was still there, she always had her head on so straight, always knew what to do or say to calm you down, to get you thinking straight, realizing when you’d done wrong. Even before you started dating she was the one that was always able to pull you out of a spiral, able to admit your wrongdoings.

“I’m sorry.”You broke the silence, “I really am.” You risked a glance up at the other woman, “I never should’ve reacted like that, I never should have been so shut off when we first met. You were just trying to do your job. I know excuses don’t mean anything, but I was inches away from burning out before Alex…died. That’s why I threw the Zapata case to her. And afterwards…trying to keep it together for everyone around me…trying to make sure Sonya didn’t completely lose her job…I could barely sleep, eating took a back burner. I was scrambling to try and not lose cases, I offered way too many deals cause I didn’t have a fight left in me. It was wrong for me to come after you like that, you had no idea the circumstances, the history. If I had been open, or at least welcoming, maybe things would’ve made more sense. I just…didn’t want you to think I was weak, or vulnerable or anything.” You tried to brush away the fresh tears before Casey managed to see them but she did, and she fought the urge to give your hand a squeeze, or any reassuring touch, knowing how you’d reacted the last time.

“Your apology is beyond accepted.” She softly replied, “and I’m incredibly sorry too. I was way out of line, even with the knowledge I did have I never should have said what I did. And for what its worth

, excuses sometimes do matter. I was just trying to prove myself. I mean, all through this building you’d always hear incredible things about the SVU trio, how well you worked together, how high your conviction rates were. And considering the types of crimes you’re prosecuting, that’s damn impressive. You guys were tight knit, and it worked.”

“Yeah…and now one of them’s dead and I’m not sure if the other one will ever want to talk to me again.” You muttered, draining your glass. “Sorry,” you cast her a glance, “apology accepted.” Casey gave you a soft smile.

“You really think Paxton won’t talk to you?”

“She…holds grudges…a lot. One off chance bad day first meeting and she’ll hate you forever. I don’t think she’ll ever be nice to Stabler…”

“You technically did save her career though. And possibly her life.”

“I know…I’m just hoping she’ll be able to see past everything.” You sighed shakily, “I think that’s why this has been so fucking hard…I spent all my time with Alex and Sonya, they were all I ever talked to, all I ever hung out with. I thought Benson would at least be someone I could turn to but she’s been so distant since it happened and I don’t know why. I’ve had no one to talk to about everything but Donnelly and involving your boss in situations like this isn’t my first choice.”

“Well for what it’s worth, my door’s always open.”

“Thanks.” You did your best to give her a soft smile.

“Though it might help if I actually knew what your first name was.” Casey half teased.

“Oh GOD!” You dropped your face into your hands, “I am such a bitch! I’m sorry…” you looked up at her, “It’s Y/N.”

“Good to know.” She took a sip of scotch while you poured another small amount into your own glass.

“I just feel like I can’t let her go…not yet…she was my first real love. And I can’t stop thinking about how I should’ve done something different, how I could’ve helped, how I should’ve just kept the case and she’d still be alive. If I had done more…maybe I could have saved her.” Casey felt the wave of emotion wash over her, especially as she watched your eyes glass up as you stared into your scotch, busying yourself with swirling it before taking a swig. She gave you a moment, waiting to see if you were going to continue before her voice quietly broke through the office.

“If it helps…I know exactly how you feel.” You looked up at her, confusion taking over your face at the sudden glistening in her eyes.

“In white collar? Really?” She gave a watery chuckle.

“No.” She sighed, “just after Harvard.  My ex-fiancée was schizophrenic. We were happy, head over heels in love, everything seemed fucking perfect…so perfect that she thought she didn’t need her meds

anymore. That everything was better now. She slipped back into psychosis and…she got violent, a lot. The night I threatened to kick her out because of it she lost control so much the cops were called…the only reason she wasn’t arrested was because I pulled rank as an A.D.A and begged them not to take her.” Casey sighed heavily, taking a hefty swig of scotch, “she agreed to leave the next morning, after calling me a plethora of names and reminding me how much she hated me. A month later I got a call from the morgue…she’d been living on the streets, off her meds completely, got hit by a cab..”

“I’m so sorry…”

“We all have our baggage.” She replied, draining her glass, “listen, I know there’s no way that you’ll ever feel like your conscience is clear, but this Zapata guy would’ve gotten to you, Alex, or both of you, no matter which of you were trying the case. It’ll take a while, but you will come back from this.”

“Did you?” You nearly flinched at your own words, “sorry…”

“It took time…and sometimes it comes back with no warning. Feeling responsible for someone’s death isn’t a feeling that really ever goes away.” You nodded, taking a moment of silence to breathe, absorbing everything. You realized this was the most open conversation you’d had about the matter, and were surprised it was with someone you’d told to fuck off a week ago. You sank back the rest of your scotch.

“Thank you.” You murmured, the room quieting again before you realized something, “you really pulled your A.D.A badge to avoid an arrest? That’s not legal.” Casey’s eyes widened.

“Fuck. Technically, you’re the only one that knows that, you better not be planning on blackmailing me with it.” You dropped back against the couch, a laugh on your cheeks.

“You want my dirt? I’ve committed five brady violations in the past month and the only reason I got away with it was because the residing Judge was Alex’s Uncle.”

Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was being intoxicated on such little sleep and it now being nearly two in the morning, but you started to laugh, and Casey couldn’t help but join in on it. Sometimes all it really took was a similar shared trauma, a night of secrets that only the other knew that switched things around. True, it was entirely possible that you’d both come into work tomorrow cold and icy like nothing ever happened, or, things could start to open up. The small fit of laughter was broken by Casey’s phone going off,

“If that’s Cragen that’s yours!” You stated plainly, knowing you’d had at least one too many glasses of scotch.

“No.” Casey sighed, pocketing the phone, “a college friend who is trying to convince me to come to an after party that I am definitely not interested in.” She glanced at the time, “c’mon, even if sleep evades you, I’m sure your bed is comfier than spending the night on the couch. I’ll walk you out.”

“Thanks.” You murmured, gathering your things.

You’d had everything with you to head home when you’d arrived at Alex’s office, the usual tradition of working together still engraved in your brain. Casey ducked out, giving you a moment alone as you wrapped your head around it all. You knew one day, probably soon this would be someone else’s office. Liz had already mentioned that it was only on her insistence that Novak’s was on the lower floor, that they leave Alex’s empty out of respect. Despite your office usually being the meeting place, there had been more than enough hours in here that you’d miss just as much as you missed Alex, and you knew seeing someone else moving into the space would hurt, no matter how long it had been. You gave a heavy sigh, swiping the bottle of scotch into your bag, making a mental note to collect the rest of the alcohol tomorrow…just in case.

Casey gave you a small smile as you entered the hallway, clicking the door shut behind you. The two of you said nothing while you made your way to the entrance of Hogan Place, flagging down a couple of cabs before bidding each other good night. Sure, things may have started off hella rocky, but it appeared you might actually have a friend at the D.A’s office now, which was what you really needed.

Hidden Desires Ch 13

Warnings: Language. Fighting. Angst. Intro Casey. Casey fucks up
Taglist:@charabs@bisexualcrowley@emilyprentisswife@detective-giggles@stardust-fray@ineedafinghug@veteranwerewolf95@haruren30@billiedeannovak@stardust-galaxies@laurenhope13@vivis-ghost-wife@beccabarba@imlike-so-gaydude@mspetey@wannabe-fic-reader@sarcasticmami@rwbyfan16@gaylorrds@infiniteoddball

*

Monday rolled around and you were thankful you didn’t have to deal with any court appearances or detectives so far. You’d had one phone call for a search warrant for the SVU case but you were being a bit passive aggressive and waiting on taking it down to the squad. Liv and Elliot were still acting fucking distant, so you may as well pull back too. Despite your relationship with Alex staying a secret from the rest of the squad, you were sure Olivia told Stabler, maybe that was it?

There was a soft knock at your door and you called out to come in pausing in your work as you realized you didn’t know the redhead who was now standing in your office, you could’ve sworn you’d seen her somewhere before but couldn’t quite put your finger on it.

“Can I help you?”

“Casey Novak. I’m SVU’s new prosecutor.” She extended her hand briefly, dropping it when she realized you weren’t about to greet her.

“VanRiel.” You replied, “where’re you from?” Her brow scrunched,

“Uh…Upper West Side…?”

“No,” you half scoffed, “whatborough?”

“Oh. Manhattan.”

“Please tell me you’re at least from homicide?” You groaned, dropping your head into your hands, though you already knew the answer. You knew all the A.D.A’s in Manhattan homicide already considering you did half their jobs for them.

“White collar.”

“For fucks sake Branch…” you muttered to yourself before turning your gaze back up to hers, “listen, I don’t have time to baby you so I hope you did your homework. We deal with violent crimes, live victims, shit that’s definitely going to keep you up at night.” Your hand picked up the case file Stabler had dropped off the other day, along with the warrant they needed, “address is in the warrant, it covers pharmaceuticals. Benson and Stabler are already en route.” You turned back to working on your closing argument as Casey flipped through the file, glancing back at you.

“You’re not even gonna walk me through it?”

“I’m currently working on the case load of three prosecutors. You graduated law school right?” She nodded. You gave her a tight smile, “sink or swim. Welcome to SVU.”

You saw the way she rolled her eyes, but were thankful that she at least left your office, you didn’t want anyone getting in shit because the warrant wasn’t there in time. Or the even more likely offence that the detectives pulled some crap not covered by the warrant. Shortly after she left you sighed, your ears nearly ringing in the silence as you glanced around your office. You hated it in here now, it had been the social point for years and was now suddenly eerily quiet, no longer filled with the banter and teasing between the other two lawyers and you. You tapped through your phone until a quiet playlist echoed through the room, filling some of the empty space, hoping that would help.

*

Being from White Collar, Casey didn’t know much about the office going ons within other departments, she’d honestly done her best to stay out of it as much as she could. She was more dedicated to the job and getting a good conviction rate than knowing the gossip that leaked through Hogan Place. She knew SVU previously had multiple prosecutors but one had passed away and the other…she wasn’t even really sure (truthfully, Donnelly, Benson and you had managed to cover up Sonya’s rehab stint in an attempt to save her reputation at least somewhat. You claimed she had a family emergency and had to head to Florida for a month or so). It only worked because everyone believed the word of mouth and no one bothered looking at paperwork to confirm.

Casey was about to find out that the detectives were just as brash as you had been, and clearly didn’t like their crime scenes touched by anyone other than themselves, or their cases interfered with before they called the DA. They both shot down practically everything she said, and every idea she had. She got it, she was new to the department, that didn’t mean she didn’t know what she was talking about it. Hands on experience was the best way to learn, to make sure that she didn’t miss anything in a future case that maybe they did, everyone slipped up once in a while.

Sure, she hadn’t expected a welcoming wagon, but this seemed much more harsh than she’d hoped for. By the end of the day there was barely an improvement on the investigation and she was more frustrated and annoyed than anything else. She managed to catch you still in your office as you were packing up, your coat already on and halfway through the room when she came rounding through the door.

“I told you I don’t have time to baby you…” shouldering your bag you began to move past her. Today was already the one month anniversary of Alex’s shooting, the only thing you wanted to do right now was pay a visit to her grave before the rain started and drown yourself (responsibly) in a bottle of wine. You were genuinely surprised when Casey’s hand closed around your wrist, turning you back to her and effectively keeping you in the office.

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“Excuse me?!” You wrenched out of her grip, this was already a stark difference from this morning.

“You sent me down to that crime scene on purpose just to piss off the detectives so I’d get an earful, didn’t you?”

“I sent you down there because they needed the warrant! And they have a tendency to play a little fast and loose with the law. Especially those two.” Your temper flared when you turned back to the door and felt her hand on you again, tugging you back into the office.

“Okay, listen, I get it. I’m the new kid on the block, I haven’t worked your type of cases before, but there is no reason that everyone needs to have such a stick up their ass because I’m trying to do the job I was hired to do! I’m supposed to be here to take some of the weight off of you, you can’t just complain that you’re too busy doing three people’s jobs to try and help me learn! I need to be taking my own cases!”

“Oh my God..” you muttered, “I really don’t have time for a baby prosecutor temper tantrum right now, okay? You have an issue, you need to be walked through a case or how to do your job? Bring it up with Donnelly!”

You managed to swipe out of her grasp before she laid a hand on you this time, but her temper had been climbing every second. Casey was a perfectly good prosecutor and she knew she was damn good at her job and wasn’t about to let the stuck up, closed off clique of special victims drive her away from furthering her career. Her brain was fogged with anger and the words were out of her mouth before she even had a chance to think about what she was saying.

“You can’t all fucking hate me just because I’m not some dead girl!”

She knew she was in for it the second you reeled around, the fire in your eyes covering the slight shimmer of rage tears as you stepped towards her. For a second she thought you were about to slap her, and honestly, the thought crossed your mind. You’d known this girl for less than ten hours, interacted with her for less than ten minutes and she had the audacity to pull this kind of crap on her first day of work? Not on your watch.

“What did you just fucking say?” Casey had expected a yell, not the low near growl that rumbled out your words.

“I’m sorry.” She stumbled slightly over her words suddenly, “that was out of line. I know you guys were friends or whatever but you can’t treat me like crap because I filled an open position.”

“She isn’t just some dead girl!” Now your voice was raising, and you were slowly backing Casey into the office without even realizing it, “it’s not like she was in a fucking car accident! She was fucking gunned down on the street because she was trying to prosecute a case that I pressured her to take! She only fucking agreed to it because she was my girlfriend! I’m not sitting here whining about having a heavy workload because I can, I’m doing this much shit because I’m the reason Alex bled out on a dirty sidewalk while I was waiting at home for her! I’m covering for Sonya because she was in such fucking bad shape after Alex was murdered she drank herself into a fucking stupor and I’m the one who had her suspended and sent to rehab so I wouldn’t feel responsible for another one of my best friends deaths!” You only paused to take a shuddering breath, the tears in your eyes suddenly threatening to fall, “you never get to speak about Alexandra Cabot ever again. Do I make myself clear?”

“I-“

“Ohfuck you Novak.” You practically spat, managing to make it out of your office before the tears started to slide down your cheeks, doing your best to dodge down empty hallways on your way to the exit.

Casey let out a shaky sigh, leaning back against your desk, waiting for the sound of your heels on the floor to disappear as you left the building.

To say she had royally fucked up her first day was a more than true understatement.

Hidden Desires Ch 11

Warnings: Language. Angst. Mentions of the ep “Loss”. #sorrynotsorry
Taglist:@charabs@bisexualcrowley@emilyprentisswife@detective-giggles@stardust-fray@ineedafinghug@billiedeannovak@stardust-galaxies@laurenhope13@vivis-ghost-wife@beccabarba@imlike-so-gaydude@mspetey@wannabe-fic-reader@sarcasticmami@rwbyfan16@gaylorrds@infiniteoddball

Alex spent the next few days back and fourth between the precinct, her office, the DEA’s office and more private meetings than she could count. She was honestly relieved that she’d been advised (and on other topics very strongly warned) to not talk to anyone about the Zapata case that wasn’t currently working on it. She knew you were overwhelmed already and the last thing she wanted to do was give you another reason to be stressed out, she was thankful you’d handed the case off to her before anyone realized how deep things were about to get, she wasn’t sure that you would’ve been able to handle it. Not that you weren’t good at your job, but you were wearing pretty thin already.

So when you’d asked how it was going, she simply said she couldn’t talk about it, you, being buried in a mountain of paperwork at your desk simply gave a small nod, leaning into the kiss she laid on your cheek before she had to take off to see Granger. You briefly shot a few text messages back and fourth throughout the day. You updated her that you won the first of the four cases you were taking to trial. She mentioned that she was likely going to be out much later than she’d intended, and didn’t want you to wait up, knowing how tired you were. You sent her one mentioning there was extra leftover take out in the fridge waiting for her before one reminding you that you loved her, and that you were going to bed. You thought you wouldn’t be able to sleep without her beside you but you were so exhausted all it took was a small melatonin and you were out like a light.

And while you were blissfully unaware, completely surrendering to dreamland, Alex was sitting on the bumper of an ambulance, no longer worried about the direction this case was going, but utterly scared. She was worried for you, for her Mother, for herself, thankful when Olivia interrupted her downward spiraling thoughts, telling her she was going to drive her home. She was more thankful for the squad car outside the apartment, giving Olivia a soft good night before she made her way upstairs.

Doing her best to be as quiet as possible she took a moment to check in on you, relieved to see your sleeping form curled up on the bed. She leant over, kissing your forehead softly, stroking at your cheek, smiling at the way your lips twitched at the contact, even deep in sleep. God did she ever love you. She was more than thankful now that aside from Sonya and Donnelly you’d decided to keep your relationship completely private from other work friends, that hopefully there was no way for anyone to link you to her, that hopefully nothing would end up happening to you, because god knows she would do anything to protect you. She knew there was no way she’d be able to sleep yet, taking an hour or so to unwind, a hefty glass of scotch accompanied the take out you’d left for her as she tried to think of anything but the events of the previous few hours.

It felt like it had only been minutes since she’d closed her eyes when you gently tugged out from underneath her limbs. She felt your lips hit her cheek before you shuffled off to the bathroom and the sound of the running water lulled her back into a doze. Alex didn’t have to be in court til nearly past noon, and you had an early morning hearing to get prepped for. You made sure to leave a plate of food in the fridge for her, the coffee left hot in the pot for her when she finally did get up. You’d ever so slightly woken up when she’d crawled into bed the night before and you knew it was much later than you’d thought, giving her more time to sleep in.

As you pulled on your blazer you perched on the side of the bed beside a still sleeping Alex, leaning over her to kiss her forehead, murmuring out a quiet ‘I love you’ that she grumbled out in return. You brushed a strand of hair off her face and frowned at the small cut on her cheekbone, wondering what the hell happened after she left your office. Not wanting to fully wake her (and knowing you might not have time to get into it anyway) you pressed a feather light kiss right above it before leaving the house.

The day ended up being much more boring that you’d thought, and much easier than you’d expected. The motions Buchanan had filed for were denied practically right off the bat, giving you enough time for a coffee before you returned to face off against him for another case. At least you weren’t the only one being overworked this time? He spent most of the day pulling up character witness after character witness for his client, you easily dismantled two of them without even having to move from your chair and the Judge adjourned by three p.m.

Alex’s day started off with dropping the charges against Zapata, but only because the fed’s had a much stronger case, and were waiting in the courtroom to arrest him immediately. She briefly checked your office, only to run into Sonya said you’d left for the day already. Checking her phone she realized she had a few missed texts from you, she replied inviting you to join her with the squad for drinks at the end of the day, but you politely declined. You may have been whittling down your case load finally, but there was still a lot to sort through and Buchanan was trying to drown you with paperwork. You told her to have fun, she said she wouldn’t be too late, she wasn’t planning on missing out on cuddles tonight.

*

It was well past midnight when you finally heard keys clinking in the lock, your head not looking up from the files you’d distracted yourself with.

“That was a long two rounds.” You murmured, highlighting a line in the file.

“Y/N?” A familiar voice, that didn’t belong to your girlfriend pulled your attention, “I didn’t realize you and Alex were roommates.”

“Benson?” You gave a small laugh at her statement, you were kind of surprised Alex hadn’t told her, the two were pretty close.

“I-sorry. I need the bag Alex had with her yesterday. Any chance you know where it is?”

“Chair in the bedroom, end of the hall.” Your head tilted slightly in confusion. It was after midnight, a Detective was in your apartment, who seemed a little more frazzled than usual, and your girlfriend wasn’t home yet. Then again, this was Special Victims, you figured they’d caught a case or interrupted something during their night out and Alex needed whatever was in her bag and didn’t want to disturb you.

“Thanks.” The brunette gave a small nod as she headed down the hall, grabbing the bag. You watched her head do a double take as she passed the second bedroom, the one you’d refurnished into an office long before you and Alex had gotten together. She returned to the kitchen where there was more light to dig through the bag, eventually pulling out a small revolver.

“What the fuck?!” She certainly had your attention now, “why the fuck does Alex have a gun?!”

“Cragen gave it to her after they blew up the DEA agent last night.”

“I’m sorry, the what??” What the hell had Alex been keeping from you, at least now you knew where the cut on her face must’ve been from. Olivia paused, looking up at you and you could swear you could see redness around her eyes. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Alex…didn’t tell you?”

“I‘ve been swamped,” you gestured to your paperwork, “she came to bed after I was asleep, I left for a hearing before she woke up.”

“Fuck…” Olivia muttered to herself, making the realization. You weren’t roommates, and you weren’t just sitting up waiting for her for girl talk after a night out, “you and Alex…?”

“She’s my girlfriend.” You stated clearly, “we kept it quiet, the people who needed to know were told. Alex said she couldn’t talk about the case, I didn’t press it.”

Olivia always hated having this conversation, from the day she started in the academy she hated seeing the anguish in the victims family’s eyes as she had to stay in control. But this wasn’t just any family, this was a partner, someone she knew from work, someone she would have to see practically daily and pretend to be okay in front of. And the victim had been one of her friends, one of her close friends, none of this was going to be easy.

“Liv what the fuck is going on? It’s the middle of the night and you’re in my apartment instead of my girlfriend, you’re pulling secret guns out of her purse? Where is Alex?” Olivia let out a shaky breath, raising a hand to brush back her hair as she struggled to pull herself together and that’s when you saw it.

The sleeve of her jacket was coated in red, the usually sparkling ring she had on stained crimson. Your hand instinctively shot to your face as you let out a gasp.

“Please…please tell me that is not her blood.” Your voice shook, tears beginning to blur your vision as Olivia met your gaze, her tears pooling in her eyes.

“It was a drive by…outside the bar.” She let out a shaky sigh, “I’m so, so sorry.” A choked sob escaped your lips, you instantly felt your body shrink, curling around itself.

“She’s…” you couldn’t even get the word out, not wanting to speak it into existence, thinking that maybe there was someway that if you just believed hard enough, she’d walk through the door any second.

“Died on the table, the bullet shredded an artery.” Olivia hesitantly moved toward you, relieved when you nearly darted into her outstretched arms, sobs shuddering through your body as you buried yourself against her.

“It should’ve been me…” your voice was shaking, muffled by her coat and dripping with tears.

“No…no it shouldn’t have been.” She did her best to comfort you, a hand softly stroking at your hair, “it should have been no one. We should’ve caught the guy.”

“No.” You pulled away, wiping tears off your face the best you could, “it was my case…Ibegged her to take it! Fuck…” a sob wracked through your body, “this is all my fucking fault. I should’ve realized how dangerous it was, gotten her to take one of my other cases.” You turned back to face Liv, “Alex is dead because of me…”

“Honey don’t think like that.” She pulled you back into a hug, tighter this time to try and reassure you, letting her words sink in before your brain began to spin the worst thoughts up. She began to speak again but was interrupted by her phone pinging. “I can tell them I need to stay if you want?”

“No.” You instantly pulled away, grabbing a sweater from the back of the couch, “I’m coming with you, I need to know everything you’ve got.”

“You…can’t work this case…you’re too close to it.” She was surprised when you spoke again that your voice had hardened suddenly, a complete shift in your demeanour.

“The D.A’s office doesn’t have the same rules as NYPD, and last time I checked, I don’t work for NYPD.” You grabbed your bag and your keys, “besides, do you really think Stabler would trust Sonya with this?”

Olivia sighed, knowing that you were right on both parts. Sure, there would definitely be some push back from Cragen if he found out about your relationship, but at least they’d have a more than competent A.D.A on the case. And at least you’d have something to distract yourself with, something to make it feel like it wasn’t entirely your fault that the love of your life was dead. That you could maybe move past this if you could get her and her family some closure, get yourself some closure if you threw the bastard behind bars for life.

Truthfully, part of you really wanted to curl up in a ball and sob until you had no fluids left in your entire body. But there would be time for that later, right now you had to do what Alex would’ve done and fight like hell, even if your heart was shattering into a million pieces the entire time. You’d finally discovered what real love could feel like, and if someone was going to dare take that away from you, you were going to make sure they felt just as miserable as you did for the rest of their lives.