It appeared, once again that your office was the meeting point for nearly everything. Although this time it was usually just Casey, with the occasional pop in of someone from the squad or a prosecutor from a different department. You were still half working as you picked at lunch at your desk, Casey having settled into the table as she shot off a couple of thoughts about her current case. The case you were working was still very much in the preliminary stages, the only potential witness not really willing to talk yet, especially considering he was an eight year old.
You figured that your surprise lunch guest would be someone from the squad, coming to pick up a warrant or hand over more information, so it was safe to say you were confused when Liz popped into your office, coffee and take out in hand as she settled into the couch.
“You here to multitask and yell at one of us while you eat?” You questioned, your brows furrowed.
“If she’s here to yell at one of us it’s probably me.” Casey replied, half smirking.
“What’d you do?”
“She’s taking a case to trial that should just be made a deal.” Donnelly replied, “but that’s not why I’m here.”
“You know you don’t need to supervise us, we’re not fucking in the office during lunch.” You retorted.
“No, just making out when you should be working.” Liz laughed,
“Hey! That was one time! And technically I only did it so Casey would shut up.”
“Wow…” the redhead cut in, “love you too.” You playfully rolled your eyes at her.
“Can’t I just want to have lunch with my prosecutors?”
“You never once had lunch with us before.”
“This office was pure chaos!”
“That’s the polite way of saying you didn’t like Sonya.”
Liz shot you a half glare, but didn’t dispute your statement, turning her attention to Casey instead. You turned your attention back to your lunch as the other two half talked half argued their way through Casey’s case. Your eyes scanned through the pages Benson had dropped off for you earlier, she had a narcotics detective with her when she’d dropped them off, he’d introduced himself as Mike but that was about all you could remember. You weren’t quite sure about the case, but you knew Antonio was the key to winning it. Your phone pinging brought you out of your thoughts, your hand slid the notification open and you nearly dropped it as you read the message.
“Fuuuck..” it was just above a whisper, but loud enough for the other two to turn their attention to you.
“What?” Liz questioned, the stiffness of boss mode shifting back into her voice.
“They need me down at Mercy,” you scrambled, pulling on your coat as you flipped the couple of files shut.
“Is Antonio okay?” Casey asked, worry written upon her face.
“Uh-yeah! He’s fine. I- ballistics came back…the gun that shot him was a match for the one that killed Alex.”
“Y/N…” Liz gave you a warning glance as you shot through the room.
“You were gonna let me prosecute it the first time! Let me get her some damn justice!” You were already around the door frame when you came half jogging back up to Casey, kissing her softly, “Love you.”
“Where’s mine?” Liz teased as you jogged back out to the hall.
“Youjust told me no making out in the office!” You teased back as you sped out of Hogan Place.
*
Detective Sandoval was waiting for you outside the play room where Antonio was. He thanked you for coming down so quickly, saying that Olivia mentioned you had some magic powers when it came to kids and recommended you join.
“Hola Antonio.” He greeted the boy with a soft smile.
“Hola Mike.” Antonio replied, before turning to you, “what’s your name?” Well that was a first, so far the boy had only been speaking Spanish. Although, being shot in the head was a pretty traumatic event.
“I’m Y/N.” you smiled, “can I sit down?” He nodded. You stepped out of your heels, sitting down on the mat beside him, “it’s so nice to meet you.”
“It’s nice to meet you too. Are you a police woman?”
“No, I’m not. I’m a lawyer. I’m going to take the bad man who did this to you to court.”
“And then he’ll go away?”
“Yup.” Okay, okay, you knew you weren’t supposed to make promises like that, but this kid was so cute you could fib a little, plus, he needed to trust you. “Do you think you’d recognize him if you saw him again?”
“I don’t want to…he’ll kill me.”
“We’ll protect you.” Mike crouched down beside you, “promise buddy.”
Antonio mustered up a small smile in return. You spent a fair amount of time chatting with him, and by the end of it, he was very warmed up to the two of you. It’s not like you really had anywhere else to be at the moment, and the more you bonded with him early on, the more he’d trust you and feel confident testifying when the case went to trial. A nurse came by to mention to Mike that Antonio needed to go back to his room for lunch, and have a short chat with the detective.
“How’s that head doin?” You asked softly.
“Kinda hurts still.”
“Well…I’ve got a few friends, I’m sure I can score ya some extra chocolate puddings for snack, I hear that’s the secret cure.”
“Really?!” His eyes lit up and you let out a gentle laugh,
“Yeah! Anything for the coolest dude I know!”
“Thanks y/n.” Your heart fucking melted when he launched to you in a hug. Fuck. Now you really had to win this case.
Antonio happily headed back to his room with the nurse, knowing that extra desserts would be coming soon. Mike turned to you, gesturing to his phone,
“They found where Connors is likely to be hiding, they’re on route now.”
“Okay. Talk to the nurse, see if we’ll be able to borrow Antonio for the line up later today. I’ll start putting together a Grand Jury. Does…he have any relatives? A safe place to stay?”
“His Aunt’s coming in.”
“Good.” You nodded, “keep an eye on him?”
“Course.” He gave you a quick nod as he turned to leave.
“Hey, detective!”
“Yeah?” He stalled, turning back to you.
“Are…they one hundred percent sure on that ballistics match?”
“That old A.D.A?” He fumbled slightly, realizing that you were an A.D.A, “yeah. It was a complete match. I’m sorry. This must bring up some bad memories.”
“Like you wouldn’t believe..” you murmured, “thanks.” You shot him a tight smile as you turned away to the nurses station. You had a chocolate pudding emergency to see to.
*
The next twenty four hours went by like a fucking blur. Since you’d been at the hospital you picked up the medical records for both Antonio and Alex, dropping in quickly to see Melinda asking if she could pull all the autopsy’s she had for the case. Then it was off to the precinct for the lineup where Antonio successfully identified Connors, you had a brief chat with his lawyer after the detectives had grilled him for a few hours before he was taken to the tombs.
The next morning your Grand Jury was waiting much longer than expected as there was a shooting outside Antonio’s Aunt’s house while he was on the way to testify. Mike had been grazed and the boy didn’t want to leave his side, which in turn meant that you made it to arraignment fifteen minutes too late. In a final, last ditch attempt, you called out that Benson and Stabler were present because they were arresting him for murder, of Assitant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot. If this prick was going to get to walk on four murders and an attempted murder, the least you could do was get him for the one that hurt you the most.
Olivia and Elliot gave you a look that seemed like they were judging your ballsy-ness, but they at least somewhat agreed that keeping Connors in custody was the smartest idea. Especially for Antonio’s safety. You sped back over to your office, you had mountains of paperwork to go through, and now that this was shifting to be Alex’s case, you needed to familiarize yourself with all of those details instead of focussing on the other ones.
You had the ballistics reports, the crime lab reports, there were copies of Liv and Elliot’s witness statements. Files from the EMT’s that picked them up, trauma admittance paperwork, the chart work from whatever nurses and doctors took on the case, a write up of what went down in the operating room, and the one that stung the most, the death certificate. You carefully flipped through the files Melinda had given you, searching for the autopsy, but it was nowhere to be found. Sighing heavily, you packed up what you had, heading down to the M.E’s office, you only had so many hours from arrest to arraignment and something wasn’t lining up.
“Hey.” You knocked gently on the door jam of Melinda’s office, “I’m missing one of your autopsy’s.”
“Which one?” She turned to you, brow furrowed, she knew all her paperwork was filed away promptly and correctly in a very organized manner.
“Alex’s.”
“I never did Alex’s…someone else took care of it.”
“I don’t suppose you’d have any idea where it might be?”
“Follow me.” She took you down the hall, and honestly the first thing you thought of was the day Casey’s office was full of boxes from the army. The room was filled with filing cabinets, though they were at least dated. “Should be somewhere in here,” she gestured to one of the cabinets.
“Great…” you replied.
“Give me everything you already have, I’ll look over it and see if I can narrow it down for you.”
“Thanks.”
Pulling the stack from your bag you passed them off to her before you tugged off your blazer, settling in as she left the room. Your fingers deftly swiped through file after file, anything that was on the correct day, you pulled out to double check, anything that was even remotely close to Alex’s name you pulled. Four drawers later and you were still empty handed, and now very confused. Sure, it wasn’t as efficient as Melinda’s system, but it’s not like it was a giant mess of disorganization, you started to wonder if you’d missed something. Moving back to the top drawer of the cabinet you pulled it open again, determined to go through every single folder until you finally found it, it was imperative to your case. You’d made it halfway through the first row when Melinda popped back up, your stack of paperwork in her hand.
“Are you sure you pulled all the right files?”
“What? Yeah. I got them the other day when I was here, everything was official, why?” She moved over to the desk, placing a few pieces of paper down on it.
“Because her chart, the O.R paperwork and the death certificate all have the same signature.”
“Okay?” They were medical papers, that was something totally normal, right?
“The chart should be signed by whoever the head E.R or trauma doctor was that night, her O.R stuff should be signed by the head surgeon, and the certificate could be signed by one of them, but should be signed by whoever confirmed cause of death.”
“Which would be an M.E?”
“Yes. But the problem being that I don’t recognize this name. I ran it through our system and nothing popped.”
“There’s something else going on here…”
“And you’ve got fifteen hours to figure it out.”
“Don’t remind me!” You rolled your eyes, “and thank you!” You shot quickly as you gathered up what you’d came with. You had to figure this out, and you had to figure this out quick if you wanted Connors to stay behind bars. At this rate, your own safety relied on it.
*
Cragen’s office door was open a crack, and honestly, the ride over to the precinct had gotten you more than riled up, so you didn’t bother knocking.
“What the fuck is going on here?” You started.
“Excuse me?” He shot back, you barely registered the other body in the room.
“I’ve got fourteen hours until I need to arraign Connors for Alex’s murder if I want to get an indictment, and there’s some kind of cover up going on that I’m going to need you to explain right now.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It was your detectives who were with her when she was shot, those same detectives were the ones that were at the hospital, and the same ones who gave me the news that she had been killed. There’s official paperwork missing that I need in order to prosecute her murder.”
“You can’t prosecute Connors for murder.” The other voice in the office broke through.
“I’m sorry?! I don’t work for you, or the NYPD, so you can’t be telling me what I can and can’t do.” Your head swiveled back to Cragen, “who the fuck is this?”
“D.E.A Agent Hammond, meet A.D.A VanRiel.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re here, I’ll need your testimony too.”
“I’m not risking my career by committing perjury!” Hammond shot back.
“Well good thing I’m not asking you to. I’ll just need you to bring up the agent he had killed and Alex’s death.”
“That’sexactly what you’re asking me to do!”
“What are you talking about?!”
“Ms Cabot isn’tdead!”
You felt like you were suddenly trapped in a dream…a nightmare…your heart all but stopped as the words tumbled out of his mouth. You weren’t even really sure what emotion to feel, the tears beginning to cloud your eyes part anger, part shock, a little bit of joy and a flame of sorrow. Alex was dead, she had to be, if there was some shred of possibility that she survived why the fuck wouldn’t she have told you?
“What?” Your voice was suddenly barely above a whisper, the stern prosecutor tone you’d barrelled in with completely vanished.
“You stashed her in witness protection…” Cragen came to his senses before you could even wrap you brain around Hammond’s admission. He gave a soft nod and you turned to Cragen.
“Did you know about this?”
“No but his detectives did.” Hammon replied, and the sudden influx of anger and frustration was suddenly back. You’d vanished from the office before either of them had a chance to stop you.
“Benson, Stabler, conference room now!”
The two of them glanced between each other before following you into the room. Despite your bubbling emotions you knew that information was still highly confidential, waiting until the door was shut, attempting to keep your voice away from yelling as you turned on the two of them.
“Either of you ready to explain why the hell you failed to mention that Alex isn’t actually dead?! You both signed DD5’s for Connors arrest for murder! That’s enough of a problem as it is!”
“We couldn’t exactly tell you in the middle of open court and risk something happening to Alex.” Oliva did her best to calm you with her response.
“She’s been in Witsec for two years! You had more than enough time to mention it! You could’ve brought it up once the ballistics match came back! You would’ve had to commit perjury on the stand for that case anyways! What were you thinking!?”
“Maybe that Alex told us specifically not to tell anyone else that she was alive. Not to mention the entire W.P.P policy that once someone knows they have to relocate them again!” Stabler’s words made you nearly freeze. They knew…they actually knew, the entire Goddamn time. Though…only Olivia had known you were in a relationship with Alex, and judging by the look on Elliot’s face compared to hers, she hadn’t told him.
“You…you saw her? After she was shot?” You were doing your absolute best to hold back whatever type of tears were pooling in her eyes.
“The day before her funeral,” Elliot replied, “she arranged a meet to say goodbye before Hammond whisked her off to wherever she’s been hiding.” Your eyes shot to Liv, your voice a shaky near growl by now,
“You fucking bitch…”
“Hey!” Stabler tried to cut in, your hand flew out to stop him.
“Youknew! You fucking knew! This entire goddamn time! You let me attempt to mourn her for two fucking years while you knew she was alive, that she was fine! Hiding somewhere! Did you not think you could trust me?! That this was the better option? Letting me think the fucking love of my life was dead?! You supported me when I tried to solve her murder! Meanwhile you’re the ones that got to actually say goodbye?! What kind of fucking bullshit is that?! Fuck you! Fuck the both of you!”
Olivia tried to get a word in, even one of apology, but you were gone before she could even properly get her thoughts together. Elliot turned to her with complete confusion written across his face before she finally admitted that she’d known about your relationship with Alex. And to be completely honest, part of him agreed with you, if they knew, and they got to say a final (alive) goodbye, hadn’t you deserved to know too?
*
Casey’s week had gone from meh to worse after you dashed out of your office the previous afternoon. Her case was looking like it was headed down the toilet, Donnelly was on her ass about it, and she knew
the next couple of weeks were going to be rough on your relationship as you attempted to prosecute Alex’s murder. She knew she shouldn’t feel jealous, that whatever had happened between you and Alex was in the past. But things were always more complicated when a partner who you loved more than anything passed, it wasn’t the same as a breakup, the love was still there, and possibly always would be. In an attempt to burn of as much steam as she could before heading home, she’d ended up at the batting cages, channeling whatever emotions and work frustrations she was having into hitting the balls as hard as she could. She certainly hadn’t expected to hear your voice break through her concentration.
“Nice hit.” She briefly glanced up, knowing how much time she had before the next ball.
“Thanks.” She gave you a soft smile before taking another swing, “what’re you doing here? I thought I’d meet you at home?”
“I-uh..I need you to take the Connors case.” Another ping echoed through the room.
“Why? Donnelly said she was fine with you working it after you left yesterday.”
“Yeah well I doubt she’ll be okay with it now. And…I need to recuse myself…” Casey glanced up at you briefly before hitting another ball.
“What’s going on?”
“Alex is alive.”
That caught her attenion entirely, the bat dropped to her side, not remembering the machine was about to chuck another full speed ball at her. She’d barely stepped toward you when it collided with her arm, a loud swear escaping her lips before she hastily ducked out of the cage.
“What’re you talking about?”
“They stashed her in Witsec…” You were doing literally everything in your power to hold back. You loved Casey more than anything, you knew you did, but things were about to fucking explode and you weren’t quite sure how to deal with it. “Liv…knew the entire time…apparently she met with them before she left..”
“What?” Casey breathed out, “why wouldn’t she want to see you?”
“I…don’t know…” you dared to look up at her, your eyes uncontrollably glassing over, “…maybe she never really loved me…”
“Oh sweetheart…” The bat and helmet clattered to the ground as Casey pulled you into her arms. She no longer cared about any amount of jealousy or past relationships, she still loved you more than anything, and always would. And her job now (aside from prosecuting this case) was to make sure that you knew how loved you were, and that whatever happened in the following weeks, she’d support you no matter what, even if it meant losing you. You deserved to be happy, and that was all that mattered, even if it wasn’t with her in the end.
The following week you were just around the corner from Hogan Place briefly stopping for coffee when you got a text from Liz saying she needed to see you before you headed into court. Sighing, figuring you knew what this was about, you added a second latte to your order before dropping off what you didn’t need in your office.
“How much trouble am I in?” You cut to the point as you stepped through Elizabeth’s doorway.
“A good morning would be nice.” She replied, pausing in her work as you rolled your eyes, placing the coffee down in front of her.
“Good morning.” You perched yourself on one of the chairs in front of her, “can I do anything for you today?”
“You can learn how to play nice.”
“So this is about Novak.” Elizabeth eyed you over her coffee,
“Have you done something else this week that I should be concerned about?”
“Probably…”
“Well let’s start with trying notto tell brand new prosecturers to the department to go fuck themselves on their first day of work.”
“Okay but—“ She held up a finger and it shut you down instantly. You knew you probably had it coming but Donnelly was usually fair in her rulings.
“She wanted to lodge a formal complaint.” A pause for coffee, or dramatic affect, dealer’s choice, “I told her I’d talk to you about it. From what it sounds like both of you were incredibly out of line, and I’ve already had a phone call with Cragen I’d rather not have to make again to address his squad. I understand she thinks you threw her to the wolves with that warrant?”
“That wasn’t on purpose. I needed the warrant at the scene, I hadn’t had time to look over the case yet and knew if the paper wasn’t on the scene those two would probably dig up something more that wouldn’t stand up in court. I was just trying to save a headache further down the road. Honest.”
“I also understand she said something about Alex that may have struck a nerve?” She cocked a brow at you and you sighed.
“Yes, that’s where the fuck you came in…and the yelling…but to be fair she did start the yelling first.”
“You can’t just tell people to fuck off whenever they bring up Alex, I know you’re hurting but you’ll end up burning a lot of bridges that way.” You brow scrunched as you glanced up at the older woman, realizing Casey hadn’t been one hundred percent honest with her wording.
“She said she just mentioned Alex?” A small nod, causing you to scoff, “she said and I quote; ‘you can’t all hate me just because I’m not some dead girl’. So yeah…that struck a nerve. Whether or not she knew the details it wasn’t something okay to say.”
“Well Casey knows that now.” Liz sighed, “she understands she crossed a line, and intends to make sure she doesn’t toe said line again.” She folded her arms on the desk in front of her, “she may be green to sex crimes, but she’s what this department needs right now, and she did save that little girl.”
“I know…” you took another sip of your drink, “so how long am I out for?” You were surprised when Liz let out a laugh.
“I can’t bench you right now! To be completely honest, I’m not even mad, just a little disappointed!”
“Oh come on Liz! You know that’s worse!” You shook your head at the gleam in her eye.
“The two of you need to sit down and apologize to each other, put whatever differences you have aside and play nice from now on.”
“You sound like my Mother.”
“What can I say, you’re the only kids I have.” She smirked, “which is why I’m worried about you.”
“Liz…I’m fine..well..I will be.” You distracted yourself picking at the rim of your coffee cup.
“Do you know why Branch and I agreed that Casey’s a good fit for SVU, and why she needs to stay on?” You glanced up at her, a brow raised, “she’s passionate, and she’s got heart…”
“You always said that was my thing…”
“You, Alex and Sonya were a fucking well oiled machine working together. It absolutely amazed me. It didn’t matter who the detectives called, you knew which one of the three of you would be best for the case and would swap things around to make it work best to get a conviction and justice for those victims. And then you worked together to help each other see a side of the case you might’ve missed. If the squad was being abrasive, you sent in Paxton with her no nonesense bullshit, Alex took the ones that needed an emotionless prosecutor who could take the blame if something happened during investigation, and you were the one who took everything involving a child, and the most live victims. You were the heart of the machine. But I think spending so much time with Alex, your ideals started to bleed into each other, she got softer, you started to toughen up. And in the past month, all I’ve seen from you is little tendencies and behaviours of Alex shining through. I don’t want you to end up as jaded as me down the road, and I certainly don’t want to see you make any kids cry on the stand.”
“Even if they’re an accomplice to murder?” You teased back, a small smile on your face.
“Even then.” She softly smiled at you before an alarm on your phone buzzed.
“Duty calls.” You sighed, standing from the chair as you gathered your things. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me yet, something like this happens again and I will bench you and I won’t be happy if I’ve got to do your job on top of mine.”
“Noted.”
“Now go channel your inner Cabot and make Reynolds cry on the stand.”
“I’ll do my best.” You let out a light laugh before giving her a nod of departing, darting across the street to the courthouse.
As it turned out, your day in court went a lot better than you’d expected after getting verbally reprimanded first thing in the morning. It had been a bit of a tricky case, you were thankful at least that it was lead by Munch and Fin, able to avoid the so called dynamic duo in the meantime. You easily led them both through their testimonies, Granger did his best to try and swing them off their game, but they didn’t vary from their statements or get riled up. It made your job one hell of a lot easier.
Reynolds took the stand after lunch, Granger painting him as a saint, but slipping up at one point in his questioning. It had you quietly scrambling through your paperwork as you prayed that you hadn’t mixed up your cases, if you were right, Reynolds had just dug himself a whole he definitely wouldn’t have been able to get out of.
As it turned out, you were able to comply with Donnelly’s wishes, channeling your inner Alex with this new connection of information you had the bastard in tears on the stand. A feat you’d accomplished for the first time.
Munch and Fin congratulated you once the jury had left to deliberate, offering to buy you a drink or two. You politely declined, not wanting to curse the verdict before it came in, and knowing you had a still relatively fresh case you needed to crack into back at the office.
**
It was late, entirely too late. The clock nearly passing midnight, Hogan Place was long deserted, but Casey had been utterly determined to prove herself on her new cases that she was willing to sacrifice her sleep. She’d only packed up her things when an old friend sent her a rather intoxicated text message, leading her to check the time, realizing how late it was, knowing she had an arraignment in the morning.
Making her way down the hallway she noticed a sliver of light escaping into the hall from an office door she’d previously never seen open. Slowing as she passed the door she realized why it had always been closed, the name ‘Alexandra Cabot’ monogrammed across the opaque window. She was about to move on, figuring it was had been left open by a cleaner or maintenance, when she heard a shudder of a breath and a sniffle coming from inside. Curiousity got the best of her, even though she didn’t really want to intrude, especially if her suspisions were right. She was on thin ice as it was. The softest of knocks on the door she pushed it open a fraction of an inch further, making sure to stay out of the office. You were sat on the couch, head in your hands, clearly upset.
“VanRiel?” Her voice broke through your foggy brain, wiping your face of any tears before you glanced up at her. The redhead stood so hesitantly in the doorway you nearly laughed as if she was prepping to get her head bitten off again.
“Novak? Why’re you here so late?”
“I could ask the same of you.” She replied, noticing the spread out case files on the coffee table, the scribbled out words on a legal pad, the bottle of scotch beside it. You sighed wearily,
“It’s stupid really…”
“I doubt it.” Casey leaned gently against the doorframe, still wanting to give you space.
“I got stuck on the Jeremy Brice case…I was on autopilot before I even realized where I was…and when I realized she wasn’t here…I couldn’t bring myself to leave. Like a part of me thinks if I just keep waiting she’ll walk through the door again like nothing ever happened.” Your hand reached out, taking a swig of scotch from your glass, “in a building surrounded by another hundred A.D.A’s and I’ve never felt more alone…” pausing slightly you hummed over the rim of your glass, “you remember when we were younger, some adult would make a comment about how the only friends they had were from work and how it would just seem absolutely ridiculous?” Casey nodded, “doesn’t seem so ridiculous anymore. Two people vanish from my life and it’s like I have no one to talk to anymore.”
“I feel that…” You pulled your gaze away from the spot of nothing you were staring at, your glassy eyes actually meeting hers.
“You can come in y’know, I’m not gonna yell at you again. It’s not like I can afford two suspensions in one year.” Casey hesitated ever so lightly, but couldn’t help the huff of a laugh at your admission. “Grab a glass.” You nodded towards the shelf.
She obeyed, plucking one from the tray, dropping her bag into a spare chair before sitting on the couch. There was still a sizeable amount of space between you, the air of caution due to the only two in person interactions you’d managed to have both ending up with harsh words. If she’d needed anything from you, or you’d needed to pass a case off, you’d done it through texts or had one of the detectives do it for you. You tipped the bottle of amber liquid, filling her glass a few fingers, she muttered a soft ‘thanks’, a surprisingly calm silence briefly took over the office. It was as if Alex’s presence was still there, she always had her head on so straight, always knew what to do or say to calm you down, to get you thinking straight, realizing when you’d done wrong. Even before you started dating she was the one that was always able to pull you out of a spiral, able to admit your wrongdoings.
“I’m sorry.”You broke the silence, “I really am.” You risked a glance up at the other woman, “I never should’ve reacted like that, I never should have been so shut off when we first met. You were just trying to do your job. I know excuses don’t mean anything, but I was inches away from burning out before Alex…died. That’s why I threw the Zapata case to her. And afterwards…trying to keep it together for everyone around me…trying to make sure Sonya didn’t completely lose her job…I could barely sleep, eating took a back burner. I was scrambling to try and not lose cases, I offered way too many deals cause I didn’t have a fight left in me. It was wrong for me to come after you like that, you had no idea the circumstances, the history. If I had been open, or at least welcoming, maybe things would’ve made more sense. I just…didn’t want you to think I was weak, or vulnerable or anything.” You tried to brush away the fresh tears before Casey managed to see them but she did, and she fought the urge to give your hand a squeeze, or any reassuring touch, knowing how you’d reacted the last time.
“Your apology is beyond accepted.” She softly replied, “and I’m incredibly sorry too. I was way out of line, even with the knowledge I did have I never should have said what I did. And for what its worth
, excuses sometimes do matter. I was just trying to prove myself. I mean, all through this building you’d always hear incredible things about the SVU trio, how well you worked together, how high your conviction rates were. And considering the types of crimes you’re prosecuting, that’s damn impressive. You guys were tight knit, and it worked.”
“Yeah…and now one of them’s dead and I’m not sure if the other one will ever want to talk to me again.” You muttered, draining your glass. “Sorry,” you cast her a glance, “apology accepted.” Casey gave you a soft smile.
“You really think Paxton won’t talk to you?”
“She…holds grudges…a lot. One off chance bad day first meeting and she’ll hate you forever. I don’t think she’ll ever be nice to Stabler…”
“You technically did save her career though. And possibly her life.”
“I know…I’m just hoping she’ll be able to see past everything.” You sighed shakily, “I think that’s why this has been so fucking hard…I spent all my time with Alex and Sonya, they were all I ever talked to, all I ever hung out with. I thought Benson would at least be someone I could turn to but she’s been so distant since it happened and I don’t know why. I’ve had no one to talk to about everything but Donnelly and involving your boss in situations like this isn’t my first choice.”
“Well for what it’s worth, my door’s always open.”
“Thanks.” You did your best to give her a soft smile.
“Though it might help if I actually knew what your first name was.” Casey half teased.
“Oh GOD!” You dropped your face into your hands, “I am such a bitch! I’m sorry…” you looked up at her, “It’s Y/N.”
“Good to know.” She took a sip of scotch while you poured another small amount into your own glass.
“I just feel like I can’t let her go…not yet…she was my first real love. And I can’t stop thinking about how I should’ve done something different, how I could’ve helped, how I should’ve just kept the case and she’d still be alive. If I had done more…maybe I could have saved her.” Casey felt the wave of emotion wash over her, especially as she watched your eyes glass up as you stared into your scotch, busying yourself with swirling it before taking a swig. She gave you a moment, waiting to see if you were going to continue before her voice quietly broke through the office.
“If it helps…I know exactly how you feel.” You looked up at her, confusion taking over your face at the sudden glistening in her eyes.
“In white collar? Really?” She gave a watery chuckle.
“No.” She sighed, “just after Harvard. My ex-fiancée was schizophrenic. We were happy, head over heels in love, everything seemed fucking perfect…so perfect that she thought she didn’t need her meds
anymore. That everything was better now. She slipped back into psychosis and…she got violent, a lot. The night I threatened to kick her out because of it she lost control so much the cops were called…the only reason she wasn’t arrested was because I pulled rank as an A.D.A and begged them not to take her.” Casey sighed heavily, taking a hefty swig of scotch, “she agreed to leave the next morning, after calling me a plethora of names and reminding me how much she hated me. A month later I got a call from the morgue…she’d been living on the streets, off her meds completely, got hit by a cab..”
“I’m so sorry…”
“We all have our baggage.” She replied, draining her glass, “listen, I know there’s no way that you’ll ever feel like your conscience is clear, but this Zapata guy would’ve gotten to you, Alex, or both of you, no matter which of you were trying the case. It’ll take a while, but you will come back from this.”
“Did you?” You nearly flinched at your own words, “sorry…”
“It took time…and sometimes it comes back with no warning. Feeling responsible for someone’s death isn’t a feeling that really ever goes away.” You nodded, taking a moment of silence to breathe, absorbing everything. You realized this was the most open conversation you’d had about the matter, and were surprised it was with someone you’d told to fuck off a week ago. You sank back the rest of your scotch.
“Thank you.” You murmured, the room quieting again before you realized something, “you really pulled your A.D.A badge to avoid an arrest? That’s not legal.” Casey’s eyes widened.
“Fuck. Technically, you’re the only one that knows that, you better not be planning on blackmailing me with it.” You dropped back against the couch, a laugh on your cheeks.
“You want my dirt? I’ve committed five brady violations in the past month and the only reason I got away with it was because the residing Judge was Alex’s Uncle.”
Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was being intoxicated on such little sleep and it now being nearly two in the morning, but you started to laugh, and Casey couldn’t help but join in on it. Sometimes all it really took was a similar shared trauma, a night of secrets that only the other knew that switched things around. True, it was entirely possible that you’d both come into work tomorrow cold and icy like nothing ever happened, or, things could start to open up. The small fit of laughter was broken by Casey’s phone going off,
“If that’s Cragen that’s yours!” You stated plainly, knowing you’d had at least one too many glasses of scotch.
“No.” Casey sighed, pocketing the phone, “a college friend who is trying to convince me to come to an after party that I am definitely not interested in.” She glanced at the time, “c’mon, even if sleep evades you, I’m sure your bed is comfier than spending the night on the couch. I’ll walk you out.”
“Thanks.” You murmured, gathering your things.
You’d had everything with you to head home when you’d arrived at Alex’s office, the usual tradition of working together still engraved in your brain. Casey ducked out, giving you a moment alone as you wrapped your head around it all. You knew one day, probably soon this would be someone else’s office. Liz had already mentioned that it was only on her insistence that Novak’s was on the lower floor, that they leave Alex’s empty out of respect. Despite your office usually being the meeting place, there had been more than enough hours in here that you’d miss just as much as you missed Alex, and you knew seeing someone else moving into the space would hurt, no matter how long it had been. You gave a heavy sigh, swiping the bottle of scotch into your bag, making a mental note to collect the rest of the alcohol tomorrow…just in case.
Casey gave you a small smile as you entered the hallway, clicking the door shut behind you. The two of you said nothing while you made your way to the entrance of Hogan Place, flagging down a couple of cabs before bidding each other good night. Sure, things may have started off hella rocky, but it appeared you might actually have a friend at the D.A’s office now, which was what you really needed.
Warnings:Language. A/N:Well, this is it folks. Thanks for falling down the spiral that is Ms Calhoun with me. But don’t worry, I will obvi keep writing for her, I’ll be starting another series of her relatively soon, and obvi accept requests for one shots and the like. This ch goes from soft, to a little fun chaos of lawyers enjoying their time off to ultra soft. Fair warning.
The following four and a half months seemed to simply race by faster than anyone had expected. You sat for the bar in early March followed by a torturous waiting period. Rita reassured you that she knew you did spectacularly, but your anxiety was still spiked over the entire thing. You felt that you’d done well, and you knew as long as you passed you had a guaranteed job lined up, you were just hoping you’d live up to your own expectations.
You’d been at your own desk all through the morning, working through piles of paperwork, emails and occasionally on the phone, which, to Rita, was rather strange. You were almost always in her office with her, sitting at one of the tables while you shot ideas back and fourth. Though she knew you’d been a bit stressed recently, so she wasn’t going to push it, making a mental note to pick you up something nice on the way home.
Shortly before lunch, you finally came into her office, a stack of papers in your hand. She could see the post it’s stuck to a variety of them, scribbles of blue ink between the printed words as you placed the pile down onto her desk. She cocked a brow at you,
“And these are…?”
“Shortlist of resumes for your new assistant.” You smiled warmly at her, “I weeded out all the incompetent ones, don’t worry.” Rita laughed lightly,
“Thank you. This better be because you passed the bar?”
“Mmm…no, Barba gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse.” Your eyes gleamed as you grinned across at her.
“Oh please.” She scoffed, “we both know the only place you’re going is that office across the hall.” She pushed her chair back from her desk, nodding her head, “c’mere.” You moved around the desk, giggling softly as she tugged you down into her lap. “So, what was the verdict?”
“Top five.” You wrapped your arms around her neck, “and I believe I have you to thank for that.”
“Mmm.” Rita kissed you gently, “I knew you could do it darling. And you have yourself to thank for it, all that hard work and dedication.”
“You still helped.” You replied, nuzzling against her nose before kissing her gently, humming against her in satisfaction. “Don’t know what you’re going to do now, you’ll be lost without me as your assistant.”
“I’ll still have you as my love,” she kissed you again, “and that’s all I need.” She nudged you out of her lap gently to stand, “I believe this deserves a celebratory lunch, how do you feel about Scarpetta?”
“Mmm! Their ravioli is decadent, you sure we have time for that?” Rita laughed lightly before kissing your cheek,
“We’ll make it a working lunch. Find you your own assistant, figure out your client list, mine’s gotten too big, I’m sure I can shave it down for you.”
“Are you sure? Won’t they not want a first year attorney handling their cases?”
“Darling, you’re hardly some two bit legal aide, and you come highly recommended. Besides, Shakir loved you, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind a switch up. Come on.” She extended her hand out to you, nodding her head toward the door, “your beloved ravioli awaits.” You playfully rolled your eyes, a grin on your cheeks as you accepted her hand, interlacing your fingers with hers.
*
Truthfully, Rita’s client list had gotten a little bit out of hand recently, especially considering she’d had you working as her assistant, the amount of work she had to do per case was substantially lower than normal. She knew whoever ended up replacing you was in no way going to be able to keep up to your standards (you reminded her to at least try to play nice or she’d end up with another new one).
The first time you showed up at the 1-6 for a client Barba was quick to quip that you couldn’t go in without Rita, to which you huffed a laugh and reminded him that this was your client, joking about how ‘this was going to be fun.’ He knew in that moment by the glint in your eye that he was not going to enjoy going up against you. And he was completely right as you absolutely eviscerated him, tearing his case to shreds even better than he would’ve expected from Rita. The jury was back in under fifteen minutes and it was safe to say you’d earned a great deal of respect from him that day. (And a great deal of praise and gifting from Rita that night).
When the inevitable time of going up against Casey came around, you held up on your promise to not go easy, though the pre trial teasing was a lot more playful and friendly. She was surprised when you didn’t accept the deal she offered, preferring to take it to trial and risk losing, she had to admit, your years working with Rita meant that you knew how to be ballsy. Rita had the spare time that week to be in the courtroom to watch you completely destroy Casey, amused at the fiery dynamic between the two of you and the fact that Donnelly was the Judge on the case. When the jury came back in your favour, she couldn’t help but smirk, proud of not only how far you’d come, but how well you had done. She waited as the courtroom cleared out, watching your client thanking you before he left. She didn’t miss the snails pace that you and Casey were both organizing your things, eager for a private moment away from prying eyes.
“We’re still friends, right?” You teased to the redhead as the older women crossed the room to you.
“Course.” She roped an arm around you in a half hug, kissing your cheek before turning to Rita, “you really trained her up well.”
“Oh she’s always had it in her.” Rita replied, softly kissing you, “wonderful job darling.”
“Thank you.”
“How do we feel about Forlini’s?” Liz asked, “after that performance I think Y/N deserves a win celebration.”
“Okay…normally I would be offended at that.” Casey shot back, feigning offence. Liz simply laughed in response, kissing her cheek,
“I’ll meet you over there, I’ve got a couple things I need to wrap up. Though..defence is paying today.” She was quick to vanish from the room as Casey turned back to you.
“You do deserve it, I know you’re badass and all but I thought I had that in the bag.”
“I honestly just lucked out with the jury, ‘cause he definitely killed three people.” Rita’s hand slapped into your arm harder than she’d intended.
“Okay! Adding to the list of things we’re not supposed to say out loud!”
“What?” You turned to her, “I waited ‘til Donnelly left. Besides, double jeapordy applies, he can’t be retried! He fucks up again though, and that’s gonna be your win.” You shot a grin to Casey. “Shall we?” Your head nodded toward the door and the three of you made your way out of the room. Rita’s hand briefly squeezed yours before dropping it as you made your way past the press, though she linked your finger again once you were down the street closer to the restaurant.
*
Over that lunch, Memorial Day weekend had come up, Liz asking if you and Rita had plans to head out to the Hamptons. You hadn’t really thought about it at that point, but were more than willing to join her and Casey for an extending weekend lounging ocean side, attending a few celebrations at the yacht club.
Which is what brought you to that Saturday evening.
You’d spent the afternoon down at the beach, you and Casey splashing through the waves (Rita cursing herself for being roped into letting you get the emerald bikini you were wearing) before lounging in the sun, ever happy you’d snuck down some rose in chilled tumblers.
After a brief return to your own houses for showers and a quick change of clothes, you met up at Liz’s again for pre dinner drinks before her and Rita took a run down to Cappelletti to get a takeout order for the four of you. What they most certainly hadn’t expected was to return in through the back door into the kitchen to see you and Casey, in a huge fit of giggles while you were dancing like fools in the living room. Your cheeks were flushed and barely able to control your laughter, the glimmer of tears from laughing too hard evident in both your eyes, you were both clearly drunk.
“What on earth are you two doing?” Rita’s voice broke through your distraction, not even realizing they’d returned to the house.
“Making Tik Toks!” You both replied.
“What the fuck is a Tik Tok?” Liz’s confusement resulted in another bout of giggles from the two of you.
“Where the fuck did you get a ring light from?” Rita asked.
“The girl next door!” Casey snorted, “we were trying to make them in the backyard but she said this would work better!”
“You mean the thirteen year old!? Your socializing with literal children now?” Liz countered.
“She was really sweet!” You cut in.
“Okay,” Rita shook her head, “but how did you even manage to get so drunk this quickly? We were gone less than an hour!”
“Beerio Kart!” You gleefully replied
“You’ve lost me once again.” Liz’s eyes glanced between the two of you.
“Mario Kart!” You explained, “but..you hafta finish your drink before the end of the race..but..but you can’t drink while you drive, cause that…is..is against the law.”
“You’ve gotta pull over and…chug your drink, or… do all three laps then chug. And there’s…three races per game.” Casey finished off. Liz picked up the empty bottle of wine on the counter, double checking the label before she spoke.
“And I suppose you did this with the 30% wine after not eating since brunch.” The two of you nodded before collapsing into another fit of giggles, distracted with each other, Rita turned to Liz.
“Is Casey this chaotic when it’s just you?”
“I watched these two tear each other apart in my courtroom three days ago….what the fuck happened?”
“We can’t leave them unsupervised anymore…” Liz laughed at that, which caught your attention again, your eyes landing on the take out bags this time.
“Ooo! Did you get the mozza sticks?!” You practically bounded toward the kitchen.
“Ah.” Liz halted you, “Casey, take that ring light back next door and then we’ll get some food into you dorks.”
The redhead rolled her eyes, but did as told, unplugging the light before teetering slightly out the front door. You turned to Rita, a hand grasping at hers gently,
“You think were dorks?” You pouted, she laughed lightly.
“Yes.” She kissed your nose, “but you’re our dorks.”
“Good.” You smiled brightly, kissing her gently as your arms wrapped around her. You spent a moment snuggled into her side, ever so thankful to be in her arms so freely, humming as her lips hit your head.
As the evening progressed, you and Casey managed to sober up with a little bit of time and some carb loading. Deciding to be somewhat responsible over dinner Casey and you stuck with water, letting the other two women catch up a little bit while you calmed down. You did manage to convince them into at least one round of beerio kart after dinner before you and Rita bid them good night.
The walk home was pleasantly warm, a small firework display going off above you from down at the beach. Your hands linked together while your other hand snuck into Rita’s elbow, kissing her cheek softly before snuggling against her shoulder. You thanked her for being so wonderful, and for another incredible weekend away from the city. She simply reminded you that you deserved it, and that you’d warranted it after succeeding so much in such short time this year.
Upon getting home you both changed into pyjamas, little soft moments of contact and love exchanged as you made sure everything was properly in place for the next day before returning downstairs for a nightcap on the porch, watching the rest of the fireworks going off. Rita sent you out with a soft blanket while she poured the drinks, joining you out there with something else in her hand as she settled next to you. You thanked her for the drink, kissing her cheek before taking a sip and placing it on the small table. She snuggled up against you under the blanket, kissing you deeply before she spoke.
“Something came for you today.” She lifted the box between you, you couldn’t help but smile at her, adoration heavy in your eyes.
“You didn’t have to.”
“On the contrary…I really did.”
You gave her hand a squeeze as you took the box from her, plucking the lid from it, revealing the necklace inside. Much like the one you’d gifted her for her birthday, it was a small circle with numbers engraved, and a small symbol.
“What’re the coordinates?” You asked, knowing they weren’t her apartment.
“This house.”
“You’re adorable.” You smiled, lifting the jewelry out of the box, your head tilting as your fingers traced over the gem, “an infinity symbol?”
“Infinity means forever.” She replied, her voice so soft you could barely hear it above the ocean, “and it was over Christmas, at this house that I knew I wanted to spend forever with you.”
“Rita…” you practically melted, happy tears springing into your eyes, “really?”
“Of course darling.” Her hand stroked at your cheek, “you already know you mean the world to me. I wouldn’t have it any either way.”
“Neither would I.” You surged against her, meeting her lips in an incredibly happy kiss, a laugh escaping your lips as you reluctantly pulled away, “put it on for me?” You eagerly asked, handing her the necklace while you turned your back to her for easier access.
“God I love you.” She murmured, kissing you again, lips feather light as they met yours.
“I love you too.” You pecked her lips again before wrapping your body against hers, snuggling as deep as you could.
You both meant it, curled against each other watching fireworks while the ocean softly crashed against the sand was the most perfect way to enjoy each other. Everything had finally fallen into place, but you would never forget those moments at the Hamptons house, the glorious Christmas you’d spent together, snuggled up by the fire, and that evening. The night that Rita gifted you something you would never give up in a million years, the offer to spend the rest of your life at her side. There was absolutely nothing that made you happier, nothing that you loved more, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.
Technically a Rita x fem!reader Part of the SSS early years! Warnings: language, alcohol consumption, brief mentions of assault.
Rita felt her heart thundering in her chest as she rocked on the balls of her feet outside Elizabeth Donnelly’s brownstone. She’d been struggling recently, wondering if SVU was really the place for her, if she would do better in straight homicide, hell, she’d settle for something as boring as white collar or family law right now. Her past had been coming back to haunt her, and she had been doubting herself more and more each day over the past year, down to the point that she did her absolute best to get back to her office before she burst into tears earlier in the week.
Lawyer bars sucked. You’d told Elizabeth this several times, but she still insisted on taking you to them. Tonight, she was running a bit late and so you were waiting there by yourself. At least, you wished that you were alone and that a group of defense attorneys weren’t staring at you and taking turns trying to get your attention. Not only were they not your type, but they’d also probably have heart attacks when they saw who you were definitely going home with for the night.
“You look familiar,” one of the guys said. It seemed he was the courageous one of his group, the first to come over. “You clerk for anybody?”
“I don’t have anything to do with law,” you told him. He hummed as he tried to think of where he’d seen you before. “If you don’t mind, I’m waiting for my partner sir. I really think you should leave me alone.”
“If you’re waiting for someone here, you definitely do have something to do with law. The question is, if you’re smart enough to know who has the big bucks. You look like a little lady who could use someone to take care of her,” he said and you scoffed.
“Trust me, I’m well taken care of,” you said and he leaned in towards you. Before he could say whatever stupid comment he’d been planning on, Liz pulled you away from him. You turned to smile at her as you greeted her, “Hi honey.”
“Is this man bothering you?” Liz asked as her arm circled around your waist. He backed away from the two of you, muttering under his breath. “How long was that going on?”
“Pretty much the whole time. First guy to come down here though,” you said as Liz glanced over at his group. She had a smug look on her face as she pushed hair away from your neck before pressing a kiss to your jaw. “If you wanted to kiss me and drink, we could have done this at home.”
“Sometimes, it’s easier to have someone else make your drinks for you,” Liz reasoned. The two of you stayed in the bar for about an hour longer before you were practically begging her to take you home. You really did hate the bar and it seemed that anytime Liz was away from you, one of those defense lawyers was trying to “sweet talk” you into going with them. Eventually, Liz got fed up with having to get in between you and those guys, who would definitely not like her the next time they had her in court.
