Hidden Desires Ch 21

Warnings: language. Angst. Feels.
A/n: y’all wanted Alex back….she back now… also this was going to maybe have an epilogue type ch so lmk if you want that??
Taglist:@charabs​@emilyprentisswife​@bisexualcrowley​@detective-giggles​@natasha-danvers​@stardust-fray​@ineedafinghug​@veteranwerewolf95​@billiedeannovak​@stardust-galaxies​@vivis-ghost-wife​@beccabarba​@imlike-so-gaydude​@mspetey​@wannabe-fic-reader​@sarcasticmami​@rwbyfan16​@gaylorrds​@infiniteoddball​@delphineecormierr​ 

*

Casey got home just after you’d gotten out of the shower, changing into comfortable clothes, leaving the suits and heels in the workforce part of the day. You’d been texting throughout the late afternoon, she was well aware that Liz had tracked down Alex’s hotel for you and that you were going to see her.

“Hey.” You softly greeted her as you met her in the kitchen, kissing her cheek gently.

“You doin’ okay?” She asked.

“As well as I could be I guess.” You shrugged, thanking her as she passed you a file folder that you slid into your bag. “Thank you…for being okay with this, I know a lot of people wouldn’t be comfortable with the entire situation. You know that I’m just going to talk, I just..need answers.”

“Hey.” She squeezed your hand, “I trust you. And you have more than enough reasons to want to go see Alex and figure things out.” She sighed heavily and you could see a hint of worry in her eyes, “and if you end up wanting to…find out what could have been..I get it.”

“Casey!” You were honestly shocked, letting out a slightly worried laugh, “as much as I’m curious as to what my life could’ve been like if Alex never got shot, I’m happy with how it ended up.” Your hand came up to stroke her cheek softly, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She smiled softly, leaning in to place a kiss on your lips. “Should I have the merlot ready when you get home.”

“Honestly…I think it might be time to crack that bottle of scotch we have stashed.” Casey let out a pitiful laugh, her face sympathetic.

“Okay.” She kissed you quickly once more and as you pulled apart your brow furrowed, your eyes settling on the stone resting on her collarbone.

“Did…you have that necklace on all day?” Your heart picked up before you even realized it.

“Yeah…” Casey’s hand moved to the jewelry as she glanced down at it, “why? It was in the jewelry box, I figured it was fair game. If it’s not I’m sorry, I won’t wear it again.”

“No…” you sighed, “it’s fine…it’s just…”your forehead dropped to her shoulder.

“It’s hers…” she put the pieces together easily enough.

“Yeah. She leant it to me before we started dating.” You laughed at the memory, “fuck I was still dating men at the time…I just..ended up never taking it off.”

“I’m sorry.” Casey squeezed at your hand.

“No, baby, it’s fine, promise.” You pecked at her cheek, “it’s generic enough she probably didn’t notice, and you didn’t know. If I wanted you not to wear it I would’ve kept it somewhere private.”

“Okay.” She shot you a soft smile, “now go. It’s gonna be fine.”

“Thanks.” Giving her one last kiss, you finally pulled yourself away, leaving the apartment.

*

Your stomach was in absolute knots, butterflies in your chest as you watched the number in the elevator rise, you hadn’t been this nervous since your first case. The prosecutor in you refused to let you go into this without having something planned, you knew the various ways it could play out, and you’d done your best to write out and talk through what you wanted to say and ask. Hell you’d brought Ramone home from the office in an attempt to help calm yourself down while you spoke through your thoughts. (Casey later saw the cactus on the kitchen island and had a little laugh to herself, knowing what you’d done).

When the elevator doors opened you froze for a second, thinking that maybe, you could just hit the ground floor button and retreat from this entire thing, but Stabler glanced up at the pinging, shooting you a weak smile. Taking a heavy breath, you stepped into the hallway, making your way towards him.

“Hi..” you greeted awkwardly.

“Hey…” he rubbed at the back of his neck, “I-uh..wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“Elliot Stabler apologizing? What planet are we on?” He shot you a glare at that,

“I mean it…if I had known you and Alex were..involved, I would’ve said something. You deserved to know.”

“Thank you.” The smile you returned to him was genuine, you never would’ve guessed words like that to come out of his mouth, but maybe he understood it in a way that Olivia didn’t. He shot you a small smile before knocking on the door to Alex’s hotel room, pausing slightly before he slid the key card in, unlocking it and letting you in.

Any amount of calm achieved by the small interaction was instantly vanished as you stepped into the room, hearing the door click shut behind you. Maybe this was a horrible idea. Or a horrible idea to have done alone. Maybe you should’ve had someone else there, a mediator.

Fuck did you ever miss Sonya right now.

“Hi…” your voice was so weak you barely heard it over the thunderous throbbing in your chest.

“Hi..” Alex replied, her crystal eyes already shimmering with tears. She was terrified of what was going to happen next, completely unaware of what was going on in your brain and she hated it. You surprised both her and yourself when you threw the original plan out the window, stepping toward her and wrapping your body around hers. The hug relaxed both of you, a sigh of relief escaped Alex’s lips before she spoke again, “GodI missed you.”

“You’re really real…” you murmured against her sweater. Sure, you’d seen her in Casey’s office earlier, but now? You could feel her, you could smell the oh so familiar scent of her shampoo, you were certain now that she wasn’t some figment of your imagination, that you weren’t living in some kind of fever dream.

“Yeah..” she replied softly as you slowly pulled away from the embrace, her hand trailed down your arm, briefly landing in yours, “you look good.” She smiled. Taking a breath you stepped back,

“Well for being dead you look pretty amazing.” To be fair, you weren’t kidding, even with her bare face, hair pulled back she was stunning as ever. She gave a watery laugh before you spoke again, “why didn’t you tell me?”

“I couldn’t…”

“Alex…” you did your best to keep things civil, at least not let the anger bubble up so early into the conversation, you wanted to talk things through, “you had the chance…”

“When I woke up in the hospital they told me I was ‘dead’, that I was being moved to a new identity and location until further notice.”

“Please don’t lie to me…” your voice cracked slightly.

“What’d’you mean?”

“Lex..Iknow you met with Liv and Elliot…” a deep breath to try and hold back a cry, “you told them not to tell anyone. I just…I don’t understand why..”

“I couldn’t exactly have them blabbing that I was in Witsec to everyone.”

“But you could’ve at least done something to say goodbye to me!” Fuck…the tears were coming earlier than you’d hoped, but honestly, you were lucky you’d held it together long enough to make it through the door.

“I’m sorry…” she murmured, suddenly avoiding your gaze.

“Why tell them and let me believe you were dead for two years? Do you not understand how absolutely horrible that was for me? Losing the love of my life?”

“I didn’t think I could handle saying goodbye to you!” Alex turned back to you, a lone tear streaking across her cheek, “I love you more than I’d ever loved anyone in the entire world! You meant everything to me! All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

“You think I was happy?! You seriously think that I was happy as you were ripped from my life? That I was happy as I smashed every glass in the apartment when I found out your case was unsolvable? That losing my two best friends within six months of each other brought me joy?! Jesus Alex.”

“Wait..what?” Her breath caught in her throat, not clear on what your words meant, “what’re you talking about?” You turned back to her, a huff of a sad laugh coming from your mouth as you wiped away your tears.

“Sonya’s dead. And unlike this situation I know that for a fact since she bled out on my hands.”

“Oh my god…” she murmured, “I’m so sorry.” A wave of grief flew through her, of course she wouldn’t have known, but the sudden information swept through her harder than she expected it to. It was part to comfort you, and part to soothe herself when she stepped forward, pulling you into a hug again, tucking you under her chin while your emotions got the best of you.

“I wasn’t happy…” you cried against her shoulder, “I was fucking miserable. I needed you. I needed you more than I ever possibly thought I could, and I thought you were dead. I thought you were gone forever…but you’re not…”

“I know…I’m sorry…I know…but I’m here now..” she threw caution to the wind as her lips softly met the top of your head, trying to reassure you, “I’m here…and I wish I could’ve been there for you when you needed me. Not a day went by that I didn’t think of you, that I didn’t think of what we had.” Alex pulled away gently, her hand softly stroking at your cheek, her eyes pouring emotion into yours. Your cheek leant into it ever so briefly before you came to your senses, stepping back the second she leaned toward you.

“I can’t…”

“It’s one night…” Alex’s voice was barely above a whisper, and you were sure you had never seen her this vulnerable or pleading in your life, “I don’t know what’s going to happen after the trial…I don’t want to have to leave again having my last memory with you being a fight.” Her hand reached out to yours and you took another step back.

“Al, I reallycan’t.”

“I get it, okay? Part of you hates me, and that’s completely deserved, but all I want right now is to feel you in my arms again.”

“And all I wanted was for you to love me enough to say goodbye!” The words shot from your mouth before you even realized.

“I did love you! I do love you! What was I supposed to do?! Meet up with you to dump you because I was going into Witsec with no end date in sight?”

“You could’ve asked me to come with you! You could’ve at least let me know you were alive! It might’ve made it easier to get over you knowing you weren’t dead.”

“Sweetheart…” she stepped toward you, reaching for you once again. You hastily stepped back once more.

“I said I can’t!” You wiped a stray tear away, “Since I found out you were alive it’s made me feel like I’ve been having some kind of sick affair all this time and I could never do that to her.”

“You’re seeing someone…”

“Yeah..” you sniffled, daring a glance across at her, “I thought you were dead, remember? The last thing Sonya ever said to me was that you would want me to be happy, that it was okay to move on. It was harder than I could’ve ever imagined, but I somehow managed to do it.”

“Novak…” Alex started to pick up on the cues throughout the day that she’d missed previously, “that was my necklace! Jesus you have a sudden thing for lawyers or something?!”

“Oh my God Alex! She had no idea, she grabbed it from the jewelry box this morning, it’s not like she did it intentionally or anything! I didn’t even notice until she came home from work.”

“You..live together!? Are you kidding me?!”

“You are not allowed to be mad about this! You let me believe that you were fucking dead for two years! You left me to grieve, crying over you for months! Sonya fell so far fucking deep I had to get her suspended and sent to rehab! The entire goddamn department was crumbling after you left! I was barely holding on! And guess what? Casey happened to be there, and was a friend that I could lean on, and that friendship morphed into more. You claim you loved me, that you still love me? Yet for some reason it was more important to say goodbye to Benson and Stabler over your own goddamn girlfriend!? Do you not get how fucked up that is? You do NOT get to belittle me because I finally managed to get over you, that I actually managed to move on with my life.”

“Y/n-“

“No.” You warned, grabbing your bag, “this was pointless. I really only came to give this to you, I know how your brain works. If anyone asks you didn’t get it from me.” You pulled the file on Connors out of your bag, tossing it onto the bed.

“Will…will you be there tomorrow?” Her voice wavered, realizing now that she’d fucked up not once but twice, she should’ve realized that you’d moved on with your life, it was only natural.

“I will. But don’t think for one second it’s because of you.” You nearly spat, “Antonio asked me to come, and that’s the onlyreason.”

Wrenching open the door you were gone before she could utter another sound, you tore past Stabler, not even bothering to wait for the elevator, stumbling down the stairs as the tears blurred your eyes. You hated this, you hated every second of it. Alex shouldn’t have been able to break your heart a second time, it shouldn’t have been allowed. You were happy, you loved Casey, everything had finally been on an upswing before she came tearing back into your life. But your heart still had a corner reserved for her, and right now, that corner was crumbled to absolute dust, being blown away in the cold wind of the night.

You did your best to hold your emotions at bay, especially once you got home, but Casey was ever the selfless incredible girlfriend she always had been. She had a glass of scotch in your hand before you’d even managed to get your coat off, she kissed your cheek softly and didn’t ask you any questions, letting you curl up against her on the couch. You apologized so many times you lost count, feeling overwhelming guilty for being this emotional over an ex when you had the most incredible girlfriend right in front of you. She simply kissed your head and reminded you that your feelings were more than valid, letting you breathe it all out.

To be honest, there was a tiny part of her that was…concerned…jealous wasn’t the right word. She knew that no matter what you’d remain faithful to her, but Alex had been such a big part of your life, a turning point as you discovered yourself. She was worried that Alex’s return to the D.A’s office after the trial wrapped could cause some tricky situations…if that’s what the blonde wanted. Obviously whatever had happened between the two of you tonight hadn’t been easy, and she knew it was bound to be a rocky road from here on out until you both managed to cope with things.

Alex dropped down onto the hotel bed, burying her head in her hands. She knew from the instant Hammond and Cragen pulled up to her house in Wisconsin that none of this was going to be easy, but it was so much worse than she could ever imagine. She hated herself, she hated how little and weak she felt, how vulnerable the entire situation was. Not just in being the victim, but in being the idiot who let you go, being the bitch who left without a hint of a goodbye. She had no one to blame but herself for that. You were right, she could’ve left a note with Benson, sent you something non descript that would’ve clued you in that she was okay, that there was a chance that the two of you would be okay, that you potentially could have a future together once this bullshit was over with. But instead she’d taken the cowards way out, and now…you had moved on.

Wiping the tears off her face she sniffled, her attention turning to the file you’d tossed onto the bed. As she flipped it open she realized that not just the paperwork on Connors was in there, you’d added in some things of your own, things that would actually help her even more than knowing what made Connors tick and she was eternally grateful.

*

The next couple of days were a goddamn whirlwind, the Connors trial was everyone’s main priority, but all of you still had actual jobs to do. Benson and Stabler were regularly called away to other cases, your phone buzzed a few times but you were adamant on not leaving Antonio, and honestly, you were worried for Casey’s safety. You’d already lived through one love getting shot, you weren’t about to let that happen again because she was prosecuting this case. Liz reluctantly managed to pass anything that came your way onto a junior A.D.A, but only after you promised to help them through it and even second chair if they needed it. Alex’s testimony proved that the file you’d snuck her had done it’s good, the jury was definitely on the people’s side, and Antonio did so well you felt like you could cry. The kid was so young and had been through so much you knew that the jury had to side with him.

There was a unanimous sigh of relief when the guilty verdict was called through the room. Casey glanced back towards you, a thankful smile on her face as your eyes beamed with pride. You walked Antonio out, passing him off to Agent Hammond after a quick hug, apparently they had something to talk over. You chose to wait for Casey as the crowd dissipated in various directions, though you knew Casey’s office was the end location for everyone. All you wanted was to pull her into a deep kiss and tell her how incredibly she’d done on the case and how much you loved her, but you opted for the knowing gleam in your eye as you squeezed her wrist, keeping the privacy you both preferred.

The SVU crew was only a few steps ahead of you back at Hogan Place, a couple of bottles of champagne present to celebrate the win, this one was special after all. They poured out the glasses, dolling them out to everyone as a chatter took over Casey’s office, happiness and smiles bursting through the room. The door rattled, and you all turned to it, hoping Alex was on the other side, but instead, Agent Hammond entered the room.

“They’re moving Antonio and Alex to new identities. She asked me to say goodbye.” You felt your face fall before you even realized what was happening. You felt Casey’s hand close around your wrist, squeezing softly, thankful you were at the back of the crowd, able to accept the comfort without worry. “And Vanriel..”

“Yes?” Your gaze shot to the man, wondering if maybe this time Alex had left you something.

“Antonio says thank you. He wishes he could tell you in person.”

“Thanks…” you managed out in a breath.

It hit you like a ton of bricks…an eight year old had more courage. He could do his best to give you a proper goodbye but Alex chose to disappear with no warning or afterthought…again. You did your best to hold it together, though the mood in the office was instantly changed to a somber one as Hammond left. Everyone had been hoping for a joyous reunion and celebration, things were awkward until everyone had finished at least one glass of champagne before the conversation started again. Roughly an hour into it as everyone seem distracted you discreetly slipped from the room without anyone noticing. Or…at least you thought. Of course Casey noticed, her eyes following your form as you snuck out her door. She checked her watch as she turned back to the conversation with the detectives, she knew you, and knew that you needed some time alone before she tracked you down.

*

You found your way to your office, thankful at least Ramone was still there to keep you company as you knew you were about to ramble on to no one about the entire situation. Mainly, you were mad. You were mad that Alex chose to walk away from you two years ago without a second glance, that you meant less to her than the detectives did. You were mad that today, even after trying to get your feelings out, she walked away again, that Antonio made sure you knew he was sorry, but she did nothing. You felt betrayed, and you felt betrayed by your own heart, wanting to be able to leave this entire thing in the past and move forward with Casey. It was when you wiped your tears, ready to rant, glancing down at Ramone that you saw the envelope tucked beside him, your name scrawled in Alex’s perfect handwriting across it.

Stopping dead in your tracks you wondered if you even wanted to open it, and then you remembered…all those letters your therapist had encouraged you to write to Alex. The ones you counted as journal entries, the ones you had nowhere to send…until she popped back up in your life.

You’d put them into the file folder with Connors paperwork.

Plucking the envelope from your desk you grabbed the bottle of scotch, picking up a glass from the shelf to pour yourself a hefty amount before you settled on the couch. You had no idea what you were about to get into and you knew that no matter how much you thought you were prepared, you wouldn’t be.

‘Y/N,

I need to start this off by once again, saying that I am incredibly sorry. I know that you’ve probably heard it too much from me over the past couple of days but I will never be able to apologize enough for what I did. I was heartless, and only thinking of myself. I was scared, I was terrified, of not being able to do what I loved for a living, of having to start a new life, but most importantly attempting to survive without

you by my side. Not letting you say goodbye is the biggest regret of my life. At one point I wished that you would wait for me, that when I eventually got to come home that you’d be welcoming me with open arms. I realize now how incredibly stupid that was of me. Why would you wait for someone who wasn’t coming back to you? I’m sorry that I never gave you the proper goodbye, the goodbye you deserved, it wasn’t because I didn’t love you, it was because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you. Leaving New York hurt me, but the fact that I had to leave you behind absolutely destroyed me. I couldn’t bare seeing you one last time, telling you that we had to end it, that it wasn’t safe for either of us. I knew that it would break you, that you were nearly at your tipping point before the entire thing happened. I wanted you to be able to have a life, no matter how much I loved you, I wanted you to live your life, to move forward, and I knew you wouldn’t be able to do that if you knew I was alive somewhere out there. I’ve read all of your letters, and believe me, I cried through most of them. I’m so sorry for all of the pain I’ve caused you, I wish I could take it all back, that I could kiss every crack in your heart until it was healed. I wish I could’ve been there for you when Sonya was killed. I’m so sorry that everything went to shit. I hope you know that I am immensely proud of you for managing to hold the department together while it exploded into a hot mess. I always knew you were better than the rest of us. But most of all…I need you to know that I am incredibly happy that you’ve found love. As much as it may pain me to know you’ve moved on, the fact that you are happy, and that there is someone out there who cares about you more than I ever could, means the world. Casey sounds like the absolute dream. And knowing that she’ll take care of you, that she took care of you through so much, it means the world to me. You truly deserve someone like her, who will love you so selflessly and with all of her heart. I wish the two of you my absolute best.

I’m sorry I had to leave again without a goodbye, but Hammond gave us no options this time.

Antonio wants to say thank you for all the pudding. I swear, you got this kid hooked.

All my love,

Alex.’

Your tears began to litter the paper a few sentences in, you re read it nearly three times, letting the words sink in. You had no idea how much time had passed when there was a soft knock at your door. You hastily wiped your tears off your face, praying your eyes weren’t too red as you called out for them to come in. You didn’t know why you were surprised when Casey slipped into your office, shutting the door behind her.

“You okay?” She asked softly, sinking into the couch beside you. You instantly snuggled against her, humming as her arm wrapped around your shoulders.

“Yeah…I think I finally am.” You felt her lips hit your head, “turns out I got my closure after all.” You held the paper up to her. She took the letter from you, honestly surprised at first as her eyes skimmed the words, that you would let her read it. Then again, you loved and trusted her more than anything, and she was more than well aware of that.

“I’m sorry you ever had to go through this.” She murmured, placing the letter down on the coffee table.

“Thank you.” You sat up slowly, “but you don’t need to be. You’re what helped me through this. You made me able to see life with colour again, you…made me realize that love isn’t just a once in a lifetime experience. That maybe…it’ll come back even more powerful the second time around…” you gave her hand a squeeze, “Casey…please..know that no matter what happened today, I wasn’t going anywhere. I love you..more than anyone could ever imagine. Even if Alex ended up staying in New York, or…coming back to the D.A’s office…it wouldn’t have changed things. The only person I want to spend my life with is you.”

“You sure about that?” She half smirked.

“One hundred percent.” You smiled, kissing her gently, “Alex may have been a significant part of my past, but you…Casey Novak..you’re my future.”

Warnings: Language. Angst.
Taglist:@charabs@bisexualcrowley@emilyprentisswife@detective-giggles@stardust-fray@ineedafinghug@haruren30@billiedeannovak@stardust-galaxies@vivis-ghost-wife@beccabarba@imlike-so-gaydude@mspetey@wannabe-fic-reader@infiniteoddball@rwbyfan16@sarcasticmami​

A/N: I posted two ch’s to this tonight, and this is the second one, so if you missed ch 11 go read it first. 

**

The entire night had been spent at the precinct, exhausting every last resource the squad could to try and get any information about what had happened. Since Liv and Elliot had been on the scene they knew there were no street witnesses, but a canvas was sent out to see if any of the neighbouring apartments had seen anything, heard anything. They checked for street cams, staring at countless hours of surveillance tapes trying to find the same car from the scene, try to get a clip of even one letter from the plate. Ballistics was on hold until the lab opened in the morning, as was talking to the various prisoners that had already put threats out against Alex.

As the hours went on you were let on to more of the information Alex had kept from you, that these guys had your address, had her mother’s address, that Zapata had basically threatened her when she’d made a sassy remark during an interview. Olivia quietly reassured you that she was sure Alex wasn’t trying to keep secrets from you, but just wanted to keep you safe and as far away from the danger of the case as possible.

You only managed to drag yourself away from the 1-6 when your alarm went off on your phone. That and…every lead was exhausted that they could get a hold of. You made sure Liv knew that you needed to know the second anything came in involving the case before traipsing down to Hogan Place.

*

It was just before your stomach began to grumble for lunch when you heard the door to your office open. You had your head down in your arms, you’d almost been asleep before the vision of Alex bleeding out in the street began to invade your imagination, forgoing the exhaustion seeping through your bones.

“Shouldn’t you be in court?” Donnelly’s voice broke through your thoughts. You didn’t move, simply mumbling a reply against your arm.

“Made a deal.”

“Don’t you have about four other cases you should probably be working on then?” You felt a folded paper drop onto your head, letting it slide off as Liz took a seat in front of your desk, just out of your eyeline.

“Made deals on all of them…don’t have any fight left in me…” you let out a heavy sigh, knowing you weren’t about to get out of this conversation. Shoving yourself up you moved through your office, pouring a fresh cup of coffee, offering one to Elizabeth.

“You look like crap.” She returned, “your girlfriend let you walk around this place in sweatpants?” You gave a watery laugh as you fell back into your chair, running your hands through your hair, “she wasn’t in her office, and I can’t find Paxton.” You barely heard her second sentence, brain still wrapped around the ‘your girlfriend’ part.

“She’s not exactly my girlfriend anymore.” Liz sighed at the way your eyes began to glass over at your words, shaking her head as she put her coffee mug down.

“This is why I should’ve said no when you two disclosed, you can’t bring your personal bullshit into work just because you broke up.” You raised your head to your boss, brows furrowed, lips slightly parted in confusement and disbelief.

“Have you been living under a rock all morning?” Your voice nearly shook with your words and it was Liz’s turn to be confused, you were a great lawyer and a strong woman at that, why was something so trivial bothering you this much.

“I took the morning off, thought I was coming down with something so I slept in. I just got here.”

“You haven’t seen the paper…” now the shake was gone from your voice but it was so quiet it barely echoed through the room. Your hand grabbed the New York Times that sat on your desk, tossing it to Liz. You’d had to flip it over, the image of Alex’s face staring back up at you too hard for today, especially with you running on zero steam.

“This…this can’t be true…” Liz’s gaze shot up to yours. You sniffled, taking a deep breath,

“Benson and Stabler were with her when she was hit, outside some bar.” You were surprised to feel a tear burning its way down your cheek, quickly brushing it away, “I was at the precinct all night with them trying to get anything but there’s no leads aside from knowing it’s somehow linked to Zapata…but we can’t prove it…”

“Oh God…” She dropped the paper down onto a free chair, “are you okay?”

“No…” you nearly laughed, “I will be once this bastard’s behind bars.” She gave you a stern look that you knew was a warning of you being too close to the case to prosecute, but you simply turned your attention to your coffee, “I was gonna go through her case load this afternoon but I can’t bring myself to go into her office…”

“Oh sweetheart…” Liz’s hand reached out, squeezing at yours, “I’ll go through it with Branch, you don’t worry about that okay?” She mustered up the best of a smile she could while you nodded, “how’s Sonya taking it?” You snorted.

“Exactly how you think she is.” You nodded toward the coffee table, “she polished off what was left of the Jack and disappeared after I told her.”

“Jesus..” She muttered, you gave a weary glance to your cell phone.

“The bartender at her usual place has my number…and I’ve been calling her every couple of hours to make sure she’s not choking on her own puke. I checked her schedule to make sure she didn’t have any appearances today, she’s clear.”

“You know you don’t have take care of everything around here. But I do need you taking care of yourself right now, understand?” You gave her a small nod, “why don’t you go home? Get outta here for the afternoon?”

“You really think going home where all of Alex’s stuff is is gonna make me feel better? Where I can still smell her perfume lingering in the air?” Liz stalled at your response,

“You…two were living together?”

“Yeah…” you wiped another stray tear away, God, where were they even coming from at this point?

“I didn’t realize it was that serious.” As much as she needed to know what was going on with her staff, she also respected your privacy and boundaries, she wasn’t about to go sticking her nose into your business when she didn’t need to.

“I wanted to marry her…” your voice was back to that quiet far away tone, your gaze not even latched onto anything in the room while your hand toyed with the gem still linked around your neck.

You didn’t even hear what Elizabeth said next, your brain still processing the fact that you’d finally said it out loud. You’d known it for weeks, you’d felt it for over a month, Alex had always been someone who had made you so incredibly happy, but once she was a solid part of your daily life, you knew you wanted to keep it that way. You said a silent thank your to whatever higher power was out there that you hadn’t wasted money buying a ring…all things considered…

“Y/N?”

“Sorry…” you shook out of it, glancing towards the older woman again, “what?”

“Go home…or…go track down Paxton or something. You can’t sit here all day doing nothing, you’ll drive yourself crazy. At least do it somewhere sweatpants are an acceptable piece of attire.” You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at her words.

“Fine…” You pushed back from your desk, tossing the few things you needed into your bag before turning to the older woman as she stood, “are…you gonna be okay?” You felt nearly embarrassed to ask, knowing Donnelly was, without a doubt one of the strongest and badass women that you knew, but something like this would hit close to home, you knew her and Alex were close, and Alex had always spoken very highly of her.

“I will be.” She sighed, a hand softly clapping on your shoulder, “this isn’t the first time something like this has happened at the D.A’s office…and it won’t be the last. So please…be careful trying to solve this case..I need at least one of my prosecutors in working shape. And you’re the best one I’ve got.”

“Thanks…” you murmured, avoiding her gaze. You were genuinely surprised when she sighed, tugging you into her arms, and even more surprised when you felt her lips hit the top of your head in a maternal fashion. You’d never known Elizabeth Donnelly to be soft, you were honestly surprised she was even okay with sending you home for the rest of the day.  “What if SVU calls?” You asked bleakly as you pulled away from the hug.

“Forward them to me.” You gave a small nod, moving toward the door before you froze, turning back to her.

“Uh- the uh…the funeral’s on Friday…if..you’re interested.”

“Of course…y/n..I really am incredibly sorry.”

“Thanks Liz.”

You managed to give her one last nod before leaving the office, escaping the place you’d spent so many hours with Alex. Not that it helped that you at least needed to stop at home next, you weren’t sure what you were exactly supposed to do there, surrounded by her things. What were you supposed to even do with them now that she was gone? Did you hold on to them? Wear her clothes? Give them to her family? Your brain was a fucking scramble and you had no idea how to fix it this time.

*

The funeral was a fucking emotional disaster, though you weren’t surprised. Alex’s parent’s knew you from college, and you nearly burst into tears when her Mom insisted you sit with them and that she’d been so excited to see the two of you at Christmas that year. She held your hand the entire way through the service, squeezing tightly whenever she heard a strangled sniffle or cry. You weren’t sure why, but Olivia seemed to be avoiding you the entire day, she’d given you a small nod of affection, a few small words of condolences again, but she was far from the woman who’d showed up unexpectedly to your apartment earlier that month. You were glad to see more than a few friendly faces from the D.A’s office and courthouse there, along with the entire SVU squad. You weren’t surprised when you saw Sonya stumbling her way through the repast, doing your best to put her into a cab, keeping her behaviour unnoticed by anyone else. It wasn’t long afterwards that you ducked out yourself without saying any goodbyes, you just couldn’t fucking bare it anymore. You needed to grieve how you wanted to grieve, and that involved burrowing yourself in the blanket on the back of the couch that still smelt like Alex’s shampoo while finally finishing Schitt’s Creek, polishing of the bottle of wine she’d bought for your upcoming anniversary. What you weren’t expecting was the final season of the comedy, the one that had made you realize you could have feelings for someone like Alex, the one that had technically brought you together, was able to make you ugly cry over the soft romantic and family values that it ended up being very capable of. You woke up hungover, very dehydrated, and still on the couch the next morning, hating life even more than you did before.

*

In the following month you started to realize you’d need to start to box up Alex’s personal things, you just couldn’t handle having them around the apartment any longer. Not that you spent much time there, you spent so much goddamn unpaid overtime working thanks to Sonya still being a disaster that you were barely home. You were quick to toss anything like perfume, body wash and the like, things that you wouldn’t use, that you didn’t want the scents remaining in the apartment. Smaller Knick knacks, things that had meant more to her you packed up, stashing into the closet in your home office. You knew she had expensive taste when it came to clothes, managing to convince Liz into coming over to go through her side of the closet, sorting out what you should take to a consignment store versus just donating. You kept a few things, a spare Harvard t-shirt that you already liked to sleep in, a comfy pair of pyjama pants that were softer than yours, but you did your best to get rid of her stuff. It absolutely destroyed your heart to see it go, and you couldn’t lie, you still cried about it on a pretty regular basis, even if it was alone, in the cold bed of your apartment. Everyone at work commended you for keeping it together that someone you worked so closely with had been killed, only Liz kept a closer eye on you, making sure you weren’t about to go off the deep end. You managed to keep everything under control, keeping your job on a good level, prosecuting the crimes you could.

You wouldn’t ever deny it.

The night you found out that you’d never be able to prosecute Alex’s murder, that there was no way to track down the bastard that killed her, that there somehow wasn’t a lick of evidence, you smashed multiple wine glasses on the kitchen floor. You collapsed on the living room floor in a fit of tears, unable to even think of what you were supposed to do with your future. Bringing justice to Alex was all you’d been looking forward to, and now even that bleak option was gone.

You weren’t the only one to take it hard, and honestly, you surprised yourself when you were the one knocking on Elizabeth Donnelly’s office door a couple of days later.

“What can I help with?” You were genuinely surprised when her voice was soft, knowing that you were probably circling back to the first level of mourning due to the recent news.

“I need a new A.D.A.” You sighed, “I can’t keep doing the work of three of us and picking up the slack from homicide…it’s way too much. Liz..I’m at my breaking point…”

“Homicide has a new one starting tomorrow, transferred in from Queens. Branch made personal calls to the precinct to tell them to stop calling you.”

“Thank you…but I meant in SVU.” You hated yourself for what you were about to do, you hated being the person who snitched on a friend, but you were going through enough already, you couldn’t stay as strong as you wanted to.

“Please don’t tell me you’re about to hand me a resignation.”

“No!” You shot back, “but…you need to suspend Sonya…she needs to go to rehab…” you dropped into the chair in front of her desk, daring to meet her eyes.

“What?”

“I’ve been covering for her for weeks Elizabeth…I’ve been doing her case work, writing her arguments for her, cause she’s just too fucked up to do it herself. I’m so sorry…I never wanted to be this person, but..I can’t do it anymore. I just had Liv breathalyzer her in my office and she blew a 1.8…she’s supposed to be in court in an hour.”

“Are you kidding me?” You basically shrunk in your chair at the tone in her voice and she noticed it instantly.

“I’m sorry…” the tears you’d been trying to hold back, especially in this interaction began to threaten to burst from your eyes, “I just..it’s not fair…I mean…Sonya lost a friend sure, but somehow she’s the one allowed to be a complete mess, to show up to work drunk and it just gets blown off?! Meanwhile I’m the one stuck cleaning out Alex’s stuff from our apartment?! I feel like I’m a strand of silly string trying to hold the goddamn department together right now and I can’t keep doing this if Branch doesn’t hire someone else!”

You buried your face into your hands, trying to hold back the tears, trying to not shudder from the cries begging to escape your body in front of your supervisor. You heard a shuffle as she moved through the office, surprised when you felt her hands on your wrists, moving your hands from your face, tilting your chin up to hers.

“Don’t ever sell yourself short. I’ve told you before and I will tell you again, you’re one of the greatest prosecutors that I have, and you always will be. I’m incredibly proud of you for coming to me about Paxton…it takes a lot of guts to do that when it’s not only a friend but someone with seniority over you. I’ll talk to Branch, I’ll see about getting someone transferred into SVU. I know he mentioned there were a few people with paperwork already started. And please…remember you’re not alone in this…”

“Thank you…” you murmured out, taking a breath as you wiped your tears from your face, “and…could you maybe suggest a lateral transfer? Or at least someone that has an idea of what sex crimes entails. I really don’t have the energy to coach some baby lawyer into the world of SVU.”

“I’ll do what I can.” Liz gave you the usual tight smile, “now how about you go home…have a drink..or..don’t..” she grimaced slightly, “just..take care of yourself. I’ll get someone to cover Paxton’s case.”

“Thank you.” You managed to shoot her a weak smile before you left her office.

Things may have not be anywhere near good, but maybe, just maybe they were getting better. You hated that you’d been the one to turn on Sonya, her being one of the only friends you had now, especially since Olivia had been so distant. You figured it was because her and Alex had been so close, that she was just as fucked up as you were now, or there was some weird history you’d never been indulged to. You thought you’d been able to lean on each other, but as things looked, you had Donnelly, and that was much more professional than anything else. You were only thankful when later that evening, after nearly a bottle of wine you’d gotten a text from Liz that the new A.D.A had been secured for your department, and would be starting within the next few days. If everything was going to be a fucking dumpster fire, at least you’d have someone to share the burden with, even if they didn’t know why the fire was lit in the first place.

Hidden Desires Ch 11

Warnings: Language. Angst. Mentions of the ep “Loss”. #sorrynotsorry
Taglist:@charabs@bisexualcrowley@emilyprentisswife@detective-giggles@stardust-fray@ineedafinghug@billiedeannovak@stardust-galaxies@laurenhope13@vivis-ghost-wife@beccabarba@imlike-so-gaydude@mspetey@wannabe-fic-reader@sarcasticmami@rwbyfan16@gaylorrds@infiniteoddball

Alex spent the next few days back and fourth between the precinct, her office, the DEA’s office and more private meetings than she could count. She was honestly relieved that she’d been advised (and on other topics very strongly warned) to not talk to anyone about the Zapata case that wasn’t currently working on it. She knew you were overwhelmed already and the last thing she wanted to do was give you another reason to be stressed out, she was thankful you’d handed the case off to her before anyone realized how deep things were about to get, she wasn’t sure that you would’ve been able to handle it. Not that you weren’t good at your job, but you were wearing pretty thin already.

So when you’d asked how it was going, she simply said she couldn’t talk about it, you, being buried in a mountain of paperwork at your desk simply gave a small nod, leaning into the kiss she laid on your cheek before she had to take off to see Granger. You briefly shot a few text messages back and fourth throughout the day. You updated her that you won the first of the four cases you were taking to trial. She mentioned that she was likely going to be out much later than she’d intended, and didn’t want you to wait up, knowing how tired you were. You sent her one mentioning there was extra leftover take out in the fridge waiting for her before one reminding you that you loved her, and that you were going to bed. You thought you wouldn’t be able to sleep without her beside you but you were so exhausted all it took was a small melatonin and you were out like a light.

And while you were blissfully unaware, completely surrendering to dreamland, Alex was sitting on the bumper of an ambulance, no longer worried about the direction this case was going, but utterly scared. She was worried for you, for her Mother, for herself, thankful when Olivia interrupted her downward spiraling thoughts, telling her she was going to drive her home. She was more thankful for the squad car outside the apartment, giving Olivia a soft good night before she made her way upstairs.

Doing her best to be as quiet as possible she took a moment to check in on you, relieved to see your sleeping form curled up on the bed. She leant over, kissing your forehead softly, stroking at your cheek, smiling at the way your lips twitched at the contact, even deep in sleep. God did she ever love you. She was more than thankful now that aside from Sonya and Donnelly you’d decided to keep your relationship completely private from other work friends, that hopefully there was no way for anyone to link you to her, that hopefully nothing would end up happening to you, because god knows she would do anything to protect you. She knew there was no way she’d be able to sleep yet, taking an hour or so to unwind, a hefty glass of scotch accompanied the take out you’d left for her as she tried to think of anything but the events of the previous few hours.

It felt like it had only been minutes since she’d closed her eyes when you gently tugged out from underneath her limbs. She felt your lips hit her cheek before you shuffled off to the bathroom and the sound of the running water lulled her back into a doze. Alex didn’t have to be in court til nearly past noon, and you had an early morning hearing to get prepped for. You made sure to leave a plate of food in the fridge for her, the coffee left hot in the pot for her when she finally did get up. You’d ever so slightly woken up when she’d crawled into bed the night before and you knew it was much later than you’d thought, giving her more time to sleep in.

As you pulled on your blazer you perched on the side of the bed beside a still sleeping Alex, leaning over her to kiss her forehead, murmuring out a quiet ‘I love you’ that she grumbled out in return. You brushed a strand of hair off her face and frowned at the small cut on her cheekbone, wondering what the hell happened after she left your office. Not wanting to fully wake her (and knowing you might not have time to get into it anyway) you pressed a feather light kiss right above it before leaving the house.

The day ended up being much more boring that you’d thought, and much easier than you’d expected. The motions Buchanan had filed for were denied practically right off the bat, giving you enough time for a coffee before you returned to face off against him for another case. At least you weren’t the only one being overworked this time? He spent most of the day pulling up character witness after character witness for his client, you easily dismantled two of them without even having to move from your chair and the Judge adjourned by three p.m.

Alex’s day started off with dropping the charges against Zapata, but only because the fed’s had a much stronger case, and were waiting in the courtroom to arrest him immediately. She briefly checked your office, only to run into Sonya said you’d left for the day already. Checking her phone she realized she had a few missed texts from you, she replied inviting you to join her with the squad for drinks at the end of the day, but you politely declined. You may have been whittling down your case load finally, but there was still a lot to sort through and Buchanan was trying to drown you with paperwork. You told her to have fun, she said she wouldn’t be too late, she wasn’t planning on missing out on cuddles tonight.

*

It was well past midnight when you finally heard keys clinking in the lock, your head not looking up from the files you’d distracted yourself with.

“That was a long two rounds.” You murmured, highlighting a line in the file.

“Y/N?” A familiar voice, that didn’t belong to your girlfriend pulled your attention, “I didn’t realize you and Alex were roommates.”

“Benson?” You gave a small laugh at her statement, you were kind of surprised Alex hadn’t told her, the two were pretty close.

“I-sorry. I need the bag Alex had with her yesterday. Any chance you know where it is?”

“Chair in the bedroom, end of the hall.” Your head tilted slightly in confusion. It was after midnight, a Detective was in your apartment, who seemed a little more frazzled than usual, and your girlfriend wasn’t home yet. Then again, this was Special Victims, you figured they’d caught a case or interrupted something during their night out and Alex needed whatever was in her bag and didn’t want to disturb you.

“Thanks.” The brunette gave a small nod as she headed down the hall, grabbing the bag. You watched her head do a double take as she passed the second bedroom, the one you’d refurnished into an office long before you and Alex had gotten together. She returned to the kitchen where there was more light to dig through the bag, eventually pulling out a small revolver.

“What the fuck?!” She certainly had your attention now, “why the fuck does Alex have a gun?!”

“Cragen gave it to her after they blew up the DEA agent last night.”

“I’m sorry, the what??” What the hell had Alex been keeping from you, at least now you knew where the cut on her face must’ve been from. Olivia paused, looking up at you and you could swear you could see redness around her eyes. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Alex…didn’t tell you?”

“I‘ve been swamped,” you gestured to your paperwork, “she came to bed after I was asleep, I left for a hearing before she woke up.”

“Fuck…” Olivia muttered to herself, making the realization. You weren’t roommates, and you weren’t just sitting up waiting for her for girl talk after a night out, “you and Alex…?”

“She’s my girlfriend.” You stated clearly, “we kept it quiet, the people who needed to know were told. Alex said she couldn’t talk about the case, I didn’t press it.”

Olivia always hated having this conversation, from the day she started in the academy she hated seeing the anguish in the victims family’s eyes as she had to stay in control. But this wasn’t just any family, this was a partner, someone she knew from work, someone she would have to see practically daily and pretend to be okay in front of. And the victim had been one of her friends, one of her close friends, none of this was going to be easy.

“Liv what the fuck is going on? It’s the middle of the night and you’re in my apartment instead of my girlfriend, you’re pulling secret guns out of her purse? Where is Alex?” Olivia let out a shaky breath, raising a hand to brush back her hair as she struggled to pull herself together and that’s when you saw it.

The sleeve of her jacket was coated in red, the usually sparkling ring she had on stained crimson. Your hand instinctively shot to your face as you let out a gasp.

“Please…please tell me that is not her blood.” Your voice shook, tears beginning to blur your vision as Olivia met your gaze, her tears pooling in her eyes.

“It was a drive by…outside the bar.” She let out a shaky sigh, “I’m so, so sorry.” A choked sob escaped your lips, you instantly felt your body shrink, curling around itself.

“She’s…” you couldn’t even get the word out, not wanting to speak it into existence, thinking that maybe there was someway that if you just believed hard enough, she’d walk through the door any second.

“Died on the table, the bullet shredded an artery.” Olivia hesitantly moved toward you, relieved when you nearly darted into her outstretched arms, sobs shuddering through your body as you buried yourself against her.

“It should’ve been me…” your voice was shaking, muffled by her coat and dripping with tears.

“No…no it shouldn’t have been.” She did her best to comfort you, a hand softly stroking at your hair, “it should have been no one. We should’ve caught the guy.”

“No.” You pulled away, wiping tears off your face the best you could, “it was my case…Ibegged her to take it! Fuck…” a sob wracked through your body, “this is all my fucking fault. I should’ve realized how dangerous it was, gotten her to take one of my other cases.” You turned back to face Liv, “Alex is dead because of me…”

“Honey don’t think like that.” She pulled you back into a hug, tighter this time to try and reassure you, letting her words sink in before your brain began to spin the worst thoughts up. She began to speak again but was interrupted by her phone pinging. “I can tell them I need to stay if you want?”

“No.” You instantly pulled away, grabbing a sweater from the back of the couch, “I’m coming with you, I need to know everything you’ve got.”

“You…can’t work this case…you’re too close to it.” She was surprised when you spoke again that your voice had hardened suddenly, a complete shift in your demeanour.

“The D.A’s office doesn’t have the same rules as NYPD, and last time I checked, I don’t work for NYPD.” You grabbed your bag and your keys, “besides, do you really think Stabler would trust Sonya with this?”

Olivia sighed, knowing that you were right on both parts. Sure, there would definitely be some push back from Cragen if he found out about your relationship, but at least they’d have a more than competent A.D.A on the case. And at least you’d have something to distract yourself with, something to make it feel like it wasn’t entirely your fault that the love of your life was dead. That you could maybe move past this if you could get her and her family some closure, get yourself some closure if you threw the bastard behind bars for life.

Truthfully, part of you really wanted to curl up in a ball and sob until you had no fluids left in your entire body. But there would be time for that later, right now you had to do what Alex would’ve done and fight like hell, even if your heart was shattering into a million pieces the entire time. You’d finally discovered what real love could feel like, and if someone was going to dare take that away from you, you were going to make sure they felt just as miserable as you did for the rest of their lives.

Hidden Desires Ch 10

Warnings: Language.
Taglist:  @charabs@bisexualcrowley@emilyprentisswife@natasha-danvers@detective-giggles@stardust-fray@ineedafinghug@billiedeannovak@laurenhope13@beccabarba@imlike-so-gaydude@mspetey @wannabe-fic-reader@sarcasticmami@rwbyfan16@gaylorrds@infiniteoddball

*

Nearly eight months had passed since Alex had moved in with you, and they were easily the most blissful and love filled months of either of your lives. You were both so incredibly thankful and happy to be able to wake up in each other’s arms every morning and to curl against them each night. Truthfully, it wasn’t every day, but you at least got to spend those sleeping hours in the same bed. Sonya was still quick to tease you whenever she could, though it was always in a friendly manner, both of you rolling your eyes at it before one of you shot back with a sassy remark. You’d somehow lucked out in not having to disclose since Donnelly had figured it out before you’d even thought about sitting down with her, and to everyone else, it remained a secret. Not that you wanted to keep your relationship private, but considering the line of work you were in, it made sense to keep your personal lives as far away from it as possible, even if you were entangled with someone you worked with on a daily basis.

Alex couldn’t believe how lucky she was, how thankful she was that you’d managed to open up just as her feelings for you spilled overboard of the ship she’d previously been able to contain. She loved you with her whole heart, and nothing less, the vision of your smiling face greeting her in the morning as you made breakfast made her weak in the knees. The knowing grin you’d shoot her in the courtroom when you had the time to attend her trials making her heart skip a beat (among other things) as she thought about the things waiting for her once she got home. She relished in getting to come home each night to you, sharing stories of your days that you’d missed out on, the delicious food one of you made while you laughed over the ridiculousness of something, the way you snuggled against each other on the couch while you wound down before bed. She loved you more than she’d ever loved anyone, and she made sure that you knew it every single day.

Due to that, you could barely help the small grin plastered to your face nearly all day everyday. You knew your life had shifted when you met Alex, but you hadn’t realized why until you finally got involved. And everyday since then you knew you were exactly where life wanted you to be, Alex had always been a friend, then a best friend, and now, she was someone you wanted by your side for the rest of your life. You were ever thankful for her love and appreciation, making sure she knew just how much you loved her love, showering her with affection as much and often as you could. You’d never realized you could actually be this happy in life, and you were incredibly thankful whatever god was up there blessed you with the opportunity.

You were currently curled in her arms in your bed, humming as her lips hit your bare shoulder, continuing their trail up your neck as you snuggled deeper into her embrace. Her teeth ever so gently nipped at your skin, pulling a giggle from you as you rolled in her arms.

“Morning.” You murmured, greeting her with a light kiss.

“Good morning my love.” She whispered back, kissing you again.

You smiled against her lips, ever thankful for the extended quiet moments in the morning with the woman you loved. Her lips had barely began to move with more passion against yours when the alarm from your phone blared through the room. You grumbled, reaching over her to silence the noise as you huffed out in frustration. Alex’s mouth moved down the side of your neck as her hands delicately traced up your sides, reminding you of the feeling they could create between your legs.

“Go in late…I’ll make it worth your while.”

“I know you will,” you chuckled, “but I doubt Petrovsky will accept ‘mind blowing sex with my girlfriend’ as a proper excuse to ask for a continuance.” Alex laughed heartily, making sure to kiss you once more as you climbed out of the bed, “besides, today’s gonna be insane. As much as I wish I could spend it in bed with you, I have way too much on my plate aleady.” You leant down to kiss her, “relax my love, I’ll make sure you have coffee left. I love you.”

“I love you too.” She cupped your cheek softly, the adoration in her eyes bleeding through to yours as you nuzzled against her nose before she dropped back against the bed while you made your way to the shower.

You hadn’t been kidding, your day was insanely busy, too busy for someone who shared a department with two other A.D.A’s. Though you technically still split homicide, you’d transferred in from there and it wasn’t unusual for certain detectives to request you by name, knowing how well you were able to handle their cases, and they’d just gotten a few new lawyers in their department that no one was fond of. Much to your distaste it meant you got more phone calls than you’d like, and despite your protests, you ended up dealing with a lot of their bullshit on top of your already overfilled SVU plate. You were at least thankful that Sonya and Alex were usually willing to take cases off your hands when you needed. However the special victims perps seemed to be on a fucking spree recently and all three of you hand too much on your hands already.

Which is why when your phone had rang right after Petrovsky had granted your continuance you gave an annoyed huff realizing it was Captain Cragen, calling you down to the 1-6.

You did your best to get as much information and paperwork as you could, eager to get out of the precinct as fast as you could. It seemed like at least a relatively easy case, you grabbed what you needed and bolted out of there, begging Fin for a lights and sirens ride back to Hogan Place to make your next court appearance. You barely had time to swing through your office to pick up the paperwork for your current case. You were so frazzled you actually jumped at the usual sight of the other two A.D.A’s in your office when the door swung open,

“Where the hell have you been?” Sonya questioned as you raced towards her,

“Working, what the fuck are you doing at my desk?” You shot back, hands wrenching open a drawer and flipping through until you found todays dates in the files, pulling the handful out.

“She got here first.” Alex replied with a small smile. She could tell you were stressed, her voice honestly calmed you with a simple four words, grounding yourself as you took a breath. You needed to remind yourself to not be stressed, you needed to help these victims, and you’d be no use to them if you were this scatter brained. Your hands moved back to your bag, tugging out the files you’d gotten from SVU, replacing them with the multiple cases you would be stuck in the court house for the rest of the day.

“Is there any way either of you can take this fucking SVU case?” Both pairs of eyes shot up to you, trained on your stressed face, “guys please!”

“I’m fucking swamped, otherwise I would.” Sonya replied. You groaned, knowing she had at least half the caseload you currently did.

“Seriously?! Come on!!” You let out a heft sigh, “I have four arraignments, a 730, and two motion hearings to get through today on top of the day in court I already had to have continued! I don’t have time for another case!”

“You need to stop letting homicide take advantage of you.” The brunette shot back, you rolled your eyes.

“It’s SVU, not homicide! Please! I only have five minutes until I need to be in arriagnment.” Alex could see how glassy your eyes were starting to get. You rarely got emotional, hell she didn’t even know if she’d ever seen you cry, but damn if she was ever going to let that tradition start right before you had to walk into court.

“What’s the case?” She asked.

“Rafael Zapata. Raped and murdered an undercover DEA agent posing as his girlfriend, it seems pretty open and shut, they’ve got a CI you might have to subpoena but it’s an easy win.” Alex’s hand reached out, taking the file from you, you paused briefly as she flicked through it.

“You need to breathe.” She smiled up at you, “I’ve got this. Go kick ass in court.” You let out a hefty breath you’d barely realized you were holding in.

“Thank you…” you leant down, your hand cupping her cheek as you pulled her lips to yours quickly, “fuck I love you.”

“I love you too.” She smirked, using the file to swat at your ass, “now go win some shit.”

Your day in court somehow ended up better than the way Alex’s day ended up going.

After talking with the squad and figuring out the case she was quick to find out at the CI they’d talked about was another member of the DEA, and Petrovsky wasn’t about to let things go as easily as anyone had hoped. Though she thought she had everything figured out, that everything would be fine, she knew the logistics of the case, of the dangers and was more than confident in her winning the case when it hit the courtroom. She took the ballsy move trying to make a deal with Granger, and as much as he normally would have struck one with her, Zapata was nowhere near willing to allow any derogatory comments from a woman. It struck a nerve and he was more than riled up.

Nothing seemed to be going her way that day as she got called back to Petrovsky’s chambers, the only thing she wanted was to be at home, buried in your arms as she fell into a blissful sleep. Despite the case being a risky one, and it taking the main priority she knew she needed to head home, she didn’t cate about work anymore, needing to be with you.

It was later than she wanted to get home, and she was honestly surprised at your smiling face in the kitchen when she got home, greeting you with a soft kiss. She could see how tired you were, the bags under your eyes more prominent than normal as you stirred through the rice on the stove. Your voice was softer than normal and you sunk back against her arms as she hugged your back with extreme relief.

“Holy fuck do I ever love you.” You murmured into the apartment. Alex laughed softly, giving your body a tight squeeze as she hugged your body tightly.

“I love you too.” Her lips hit your cheek, “you know you don’t need to make me dinner every night. I know you’re exhausted.” You sighed, a near shudder of a breath escaping your lips as you turned toward her,

“I know…” you pecked her lips, “I just want you to be happy..” your free hand stroked her cheek, “I…worry..a lot…that I’m not enough for you. And I know I’ve been busy with work recently…more than busy. I’ve been so fucking overwhelmed I’ve nearly cried in court twice this week and I can’t have that!” Alex’s hand grabbed at your wrists, pulling your attention to her face,

“Hey..hey…” she pecked your lips, “I amincredibly happy. You make me more happy than anyone else ever has. Baby, you need to slow down, take a breath, you don’t need to take every case, start spreading them out between the three of us. You need to be happy, that’s the most important thing. And you are everything that I need..I promise.”

“Okay.” You sighed heavily, letting Alex’s lips meet yours softly, “fuck…I don’t know what I’d do without you…” You murmured, your slightly glassy eyes meeting her smiling ones before she kissed you gently again.

“Well lucky for you, you don’t ever need to think about that.” Alex smiled softly as she kissed your forehead, taking over the cooking from you, shooing you to the table to sit down as she wrapped everything up. She loved you more than anything in the entire world, and she knew when you needed a break, and tonight, was definitely one of those moment.

Warnings: Language. Fluff. Reference to SVU s8 cases
Taglist:@charabs@bisexualcrowley@emilyprentisswife@detective-giggles​@natasha-danvers​@stardust-fray​@ineedafinghug​ @haruren30 @billiedeannovak​@stardust-galaxies​ @laurenhope13 @beccabarba​@imlike-so-gaydude​@mspetey​@wannabe-fic-reader​@sarcasticmami​@lawandorderimagines​@rwbyfan16​@gaylorrds​@infiniteoddball​

*

As it turned out, your suspension was much more of a ‘I’m working from home and not getting paid for it’ while you helped Alex with all the cases you’d had to dump on her (though she certainly made sure you got compensation for it) and a smattering of meetings in Donnelly’s office while you awaited the civil trial. You were honestly lucky it came up so quickly, and even more lucky when Paddy pulled out an ultrasound on the stand, Liz managing to call for a continuance to examine evidence, giving you and Stabler time to dig through and find a way to get him to drop the suit.

And to be completely honest, you didn’t mind the near month of having much less to do. You were able to catch up on a few things around the apartment that had been left in the dust over the past year. You deep cleaned the fridge, ever thankful when Alex had put in a grocery delivery for the two of you, finally able to have the time to make fresh, homemade meals every day for the both of you. You reorganized your kitchen, getting rid of all the doubles or triples of things, or things you never needed. It was a spring cleaning burst of energy to say the least.

When approximately 26 hours of Alex living out of a duffel bag had her whining you’d ordered a shelf off Amazon and despite the one day delivery, it was still sitting it its box in the bedroom. Naturally Alex’s clothes ended up tossed over it, winding up in them being wrinkled and she’d end up raiding your closet anyways. (A fact that was very noticed and called out each time by Sonya). You took the liberty of finally assembling it and unpacking the bag into it, adding a few of her things into your closet, doing a bit of a rearrangement and purge of your own belongings there as well.

Part of you was completely fine with being the stay at home partner for a while too, you had the time and energy to have dinner ready when Alex got home, something that she would be eternally grateful for, the extra caseload kicking her ass. While she’d wind down from the day you’d usually go over her notes, especially on the cases that were originally yours, making notes here and there in the margins on things she might’ve missed. You continued your marathoning of Schitt’s Creek after dinner, happy to be able to bury in each other’s arms, furthering the relaxation and upping the endorphins. It was more than safe to say that you both really enjoyed having the other one around.

Finally after the civil case had been dropped you had a meeting with Liz to lift your suspension. You were a bit worried she’d keep you on some kind of modified duty, but she’d assured you that she knew you were one of the best she had, and after this….you weren’t about to slip up like that again, at least for a while. Post meeting you were just happy you had the rest of the day off and more than welcomed lunch with Alex and Sonya to hurry to.

“So…verdict?” Sonya asked as you slid into the booth, pecking Alex’s cheek quickly.

“Suspension over, civil suit dropped. Baby Kendall’s with his Step Dad and Paddy’s pleading to custodial interference.” You replied, snagging a fry from Alex’s plate.

“Donnelly keeping you a short leash for now?” She asked. You rolled your eyes, pulling a stack of folders from your bag, dropping them onto the table.

“Brunt work?” Sonya questioned over a sip of bourbon.

“Homicide’s swamped, so I get to pick up their slack.”

“Least you don’t have to deal with live victims in the meantime.” The brunette replied. You sighed out a soft nod, at least you were back at work finally.

Conversation flowed away from your suspension and onto other work conversation as the other two batted off some ideas and strategies to you about their current cases. Sonya was sure to catch you up on the office gossip that Alex was too proud to indulge in, keeping to herself while you hadn’t been around. You all had ample time to eat and indulge in a couple of glasses of wine, the three of you free of having to be in court, it simply being an office or work from home day. Plates had just been bussed off the table when Alex’s phone pinged, you prepared to shift out of the booth to let her out but her hand reached for yours, stilling you as she softly squeezed.

“Fuck…” she muttered, swiping the screen open, her eyes darting across it.

“Work?” You questioned.

“No..it’s an email from my landlord.” She sighed heavily, dropping the phone back onto the table, “apparently there’s been more problems with the plumbing. Water’s now completely shut off and they don’t know how long it’s going to have to be off. Judging from previous experiences I’d say it’s probably time for me to start looking for a new place.”

“Well you know you’re more than welcome to stay with me as long as you need.” You squeezed her hand softly and in return she kissed the side of your head.

“Thank you.”

“Can I just state the obvious here?” The two of you looked over at Sonya, quizzical expressions on your faces prompting her to continue. “Just move in together.”

“I-oh-I mean-“ Alex stuttered over words as you let out a nervous laugh,

“Isn’t that…fast?”  Sonya laughed, rolling her eyes as she took a swig of her drink.

“You’ve been living together for almost a month already and things seem to be fine. I mean your entire relationship you’ve been at y/n’s apartment, I don’t see an issue.”

“Thereis the age old joke of lesbians moving quickly.” Alex half smirked at you, you playfully smacked at her arm.

“If you went home tonight and Alex wasn’t there, you’d be sad, and you’d have trouble sleeping.” Sonya continued, “besides, didn’t you say you’d been purging your shit? It’s like your subconscious was prepping for this.”

“Stop!” You laughed, “I had more than enough time on my hands, I marathoned that Marie Kondo show the first day of my suspension. I guess it made me reevaluate how much of my stuff actually brought me joy, or whatever.”

“Does Alex bring you joy?” Sonya smirked from across the table and you did your best to shoot her a death glare while trying not to blush too hard as you glanced up at your girlfriend.

“I-…yeah…she does…” Alex smiled, ducking her head to kiss you quickly. You thanked God that Sonya happened to be distracted with the server for the next minute, very conveniently giving the two of you a semi private moment.

“You bring me joy too.” Alex murmured, a smile etching across her lips as she kissed you again, eyes gazing in adoration when she pulled away, a breath of a laugh at the flush of your cheeks. The three of you settled up, Sonya headed back to Hogan Place while you and Alex chose the work from home option for the rest of the day.

It was a few days later that you and Alex started talking over options, her lease was already down to a month to month basis and if she found somewhere new she’d be trapped in at least a years lease. You both knew without even saying it that you didn’t want to have to wait another year before actually living together, and that it would be a waste of money paying separate rents anyways. You reassured Alex that you were more than okay with her officially being in your space, and she assured you that she wanted nothing more than to be there alongside you. She ended up paying another month of rent at her old place as you both ended up pretty busy, not leaving a lot of time for sorting through things, packing and moving into your apartment.

Once she had handed over her old set of keys and been added to your lease you popped a bottle of champagne and spent the night celebrating together. It may normally have been a big step in relationships, but everything just felt completely right, like everything was falling into place finally. You’d both spent so many years trying to figure it all out when the answer had been in front of you the entire time, you just didn’t know it.

*

It was a rare occasion for you to be awake before Alex, but she’d had one hell of a long day in court followed by an evening with the squad. You had a few cases you wanted to get a head start on and hadn’t really had much to do on Friday, leaving your Saturday morning very open while she slept in. It had been just over a month since she’d become an official part of your home, a more than welcomed part of your daily live, eager to share those quiet private moments together.

You heard the bedroom door creak open around 10:00 am, your eyes shifting their focus from your laptop screen to down the hall. The warm smile on your face was completely inevitable. Alex always looked so goddamn cute in the earlier hours of the weekends, her hair loosely pulled back, sleep still in her eyes as she padded out to the kitchen in search of coffee, soft in sleep clothes.

“Morning.” She murmured, pecking your cheek before moving to the coffee machine. You couldn’t help but follow her movements with your gaze, watching the way she graced through the kitchen, dressing her coffee before turning back to you. “What?” Her head titled at the look in your eye.

“Can…can I say something?” You asked hesitantly.

“Of course.” She took a small sip of coffee, testing the waters before sucking back a larger mouthful of caffeine.

“I..I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you.” Alex felt her cheeks warm at your words, knowing it wasn’t from her drink.

“Pretty sure?” She teased, moving beside you at the island.

“Well…” you ducked your gaze quickly before meeting her sapphire eyes, “I mean I’ve always kinda loved you, but…this…feels different.” Her hand reached out to stroke the fallen hair back behind your ear, “I’ve always loved spending time with you, but now..I love waking up to you, falling asleep beside you…I..lose my breath when you walk in the room.” Her fingers came to lace between yours, giving your hand a soft squeeze, “You make me feel more appreciated and cared for than I ever have in my life. And to be completely honest you make work hella distracting.” You laughed, pulling a snort from the blonde.

“You do have a terrible habit of staring at my hands while you’re supposed to be concentrating.”

“What can I say? My mind wanders…” Alex’s hand moved from her coffee to cup your cheek, nuzzling against your smile before kissing you softly, only pulling apart far enough to gain your gaze.

“I love you.” She pecked your lips again, “romantically” another kiss, “platonically” another kiss, “and definitely sexually.” You giggled at that one, “Sweetheart I love you more than you could ever imagine. I love every part of you, body and soul, and I alwayswill.”

“Alex…” you felt like you were an inch away from not being able to hold it together, pulling her to you for a deep kiss,  “You mean the world to me. I love you.”

Hearing the words escape your lips, the complete love radiating from Alex’s eyes back to yours as your arms were wrapped around each other made everything feel incredibly real. It was suddenly confirmed in your brain that this wasn’t some kind of crazy dream, or temporary thing that would fizzle out, that Alex would end up wanting more, or you would change your mind. It confirmed that your waiting was done, you’d kissed all your frogs, and surprisingly enough to you, you’d found your princess, the game was over, you knew who you wanted to spend your life with. You’d never expected it to be your best friend, but you were happier than you’d ever been.

And honestly, so was Alex. It had started out as some silly crush she tried to avoid, but the timing happened to be perfect. The universe certainly knew what it was doing, throwing every curve ball at the two of you right as you needed it to, to realize that you cared about each other, that you were truly meant to be together.

“Go relax.” You nodded to the couch, pecking Alex’s cheek, “I’ll make you breakfast.” She smiled, nuzzling against you for another kiss before she made her way into the living room. Tossing a bright smile over the back of the couch you couldn’t help but giggle as you pulled the eggs from the fridge, smiles rarely leaving either of your cheeks for the rest of the day.