Hidden Desires Ch 21

Warnings: language. Angst. Feels.
A/n: y’all wanted Alex back….she back now… also this was going to maybe have an epilogue type ch so lmk if you want that??
Taglist:@charabs​@emilyprentisswife​@bisexualcrowley​@detective-giggles​@natasha-danvers​@stardust-fray​@ineedafinghug​@veteranwerewolf95​@billiedeannovak​@stardust-galaxies​@vivis-ghost-wife​@beccabarba​@imlike-so-gaydude​@mspetey​@wannabe-fic-reader​@sarcasticmami​@rwbyfan16​@gaylorrds​@infiniteoddball​@delphineecormierr​ 

*

Casey got home just after you’d gotten out of the shower, changing into comfortable clothes, leaving the suits and heels in the workforce part of the day. You’d been texting throughout the late afternoon, she was well aware that Liz had tracked down Alex’s hotel for you and that you were going to see her.

“Hey.” You softly greeted her as you met her in the kitchen, kissing her cheek gently.

“You doin’ okay?” She asked.

“As well as I could be I guess.” You shrugged, thanking her as she passed you a file folder that you slid into your bag. “Thank you…for being okay with this, I know a lot of people wouldn’t be comfortable with the entire situation. You know that I’m just going to talk, I just..need answers.”

“Hey.” She squeezed your hand, “I trust you. And you have more than enough reasons to want to go see Alex and figure things out.” She sighed heavily and you could see a hint of worry in her eyes, “and if you end up wanting to…find out what could have been..I get it.”

“Casey!” You were honestly shocked, letting out a slightly worried laugh, “as much as I’m curious as to what my life could’ve been like if Alex never got shot, I’m happy with how it ended up.” Your hand came up to stroke her cheek softly, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She smiled softly, leaning in to place a kiss on your lips. “Should I have the merlot ready when you get home.”

“Honestly…I think it might be time to crack that bottle of scotch we have stashed.” Casey let out a pitiful laugh, her face sympathetic.

“Okay.” She kissed you quickly once more and as you pulled apart your brow furrowed, your eyes settling on the stone resting on her collarbone.

“Did…you have that necklace on all day?” Your heart picked up before you even realized it.

“Yeah…” Casey’s hand moved to the jewelry as she glanced down at it, “why? It was in the jewelry box, I figured it was fair game. If it’s not I’m sorry, I won’t wear it again.”

“No…” you sighed, “it’s fine…it’s just…”your forehead dropped to her shoulder.

“It’s hers…” she put the pieces together easily enough.

“Yeah. She leant it to me before we started dating.” You laughed at the memory, “fuck I was still dating men at the time…I just..ended up never taking it off.”

“I’m sorry.” Casey squeezed at your hand.

“No, baby, it’s fine, promise.” You pecked at her cheek, “it’s generic enough she probably didn’t notice, and you didn’t know. If I wanted you not to wear it I would’ve kept it somewhere private.”

“Okay.” She shot you a soft smile, “now go. It’s gonna be fine.”

“Thanks.” Giving her one last kiss, you finally pulled yourself away, leaving the apartment.

*

Your stomach was in absolute knots, butterflies in your chest as you watched the number in the elevator rise, you hadn’t been this nervous since your first case. The prosecutor in you refused to let you go into this without having something planned, you knew the various ways it could play out, and you’d done your best to write out and talk through what you wanted to say and ask. Hell you’d brought Ramone home from the office in an attempt to help calm yourself down while you spoke through your thoughts. (Casey later saw the cactus on the kitchen island and had a little laugh to herself, knowing what you’d done).

When the elevator doors opened you froze for a second, thinking that maybe, you could just hit the ground floor button and retreat from this entire thing, but Stabler glanced up at the pinging, shooting you a weak smile. Taking a heavy breath, you stepped into the hallway, making your way towards him.

“Hi..” you greeted awkwardly.

“Hey…” he rubbed at the back of his neck, “I-uh..wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“Elliot Stabler apologizing? What planet are we on?” He shot you a glare at that,

“I mean it…if I had known you and Alex were..involved, I would’ve said something. You deserved to know.”

“Thank you.” The smile you returned to him was genuine, you never would’ve guessed words like that to come out of his mouth, but maybe he understood it in a way that Olivia didn’t. He shot you a small smile before knocking on the door to Alex’s hotel room, pausing slightly before he slid the key card in, unlocking it and letting you in.

Any amount of calm achieved by the small interaction was instantly vanished as you stepped into the room, hearing the door click shut behind you. Maybe this was a horrible idea. Or a horrible idea to have done alone. Maybe you should’ve had someone else there, a mediator.

Fuck did you ever miss Sonya right now.

“Hi…” your voice was so weak you barely heard it over the thunderous throbbing in your chest.

“Hi..” Alex replied, her crystal eyes already shimmering with tears. She was terrified of what was going to happen next, completely unaware of what was going on in your brain and she hated it. You surprised both her and yourself when you threw the original plan out the window, stepping toward her and wrapping your body around hers. The hug relaxed both of you, a sigh of relief escaped Alex’s lips before she spoke again, “GodI missed you.”

“You’re really real…” you murmured against her sweater. Sure, you’d seen her in Casey’s office earlier, but now? You could feel her, you could smell the oh so familiar scent of her shampoo, you were certain now that she wasn’t some figment of your imagination, that you weren’t living in some kind of fever dream.

“Yeah..” she replied softly as you slowly pulled away from the embrace, her hand trailed down your arm, briefly landing in yours, “you look good.” She smiled. Taking a breath you stepped back,

“Well for being dead you look pretty amazing.” To be fair, you weren’t kidding, even with her bare face, hair pulled back she was stunning as ever. She gave a watery laugh before you spoke again, “why didn’t you tell me?”

“I couldn’t…”

“Alex…” you did your best to keep things civil, at least not let the anger bubble up so early into the conversation, you wanted to talk things through, “you had the chance…”

“When I woke up in the hospital they told me I was ‘dead’, that I was being moved to a new identity and location until further notice.”

“Please don’t lie to me…” your voice cracked slightly.

“What’d’you mean?”

“Lex..Iknow you met with Liv and Elliot…” a deep breath to try and hold back a cry, “you told them not to tell anyone. I just…I don’t understand why..”

“I couldn’t exactly have them blabbing that I was in Witsec to everyone.”

“But you could’ve at least done something to say goodbye to me!” Fuck…the tears were coming earlier than you’d hoped, but honestly, you were lucky you’d held it together long enough to make it through the door.

“I’m sorry…” she murmured, suddenly avoiding your gaze.

“Why tell them and let me believe you were dead for two years? Do you not understand how absolutely horrible that was for me? Losing the love of my life?”

“I didn’t think I could handle saying goodbye to you!” Alex turned back to you, a lone tear streaking across her cheek, “I love you more than I’d ever loved anyone in the entire world! You meant everything to me! All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

“You think I was happy?! You seriously think that I was happy as you were ripped from my life? That I was happy as I smashed every glass in the apartment when I found out your case was unsolvable? That losing my two best friends within six months of each other brought me joy?! Jesus Alex.”

“Wait..what?” Her breath caught in her throat, not clear on what your words meant, “what’re you talking about?” You turned back to her, a huff of a sad laugh coming from your mouth as you wiped away your tears.

“Sonya’s dead. And unlike this situation I know that for a fact since she bled out on my hands.”

“Oh my god…” she murmured, “I’m so sorry.” A wave of grief flew through her, of course she wouldn’t have known, but the sudden information swept through her harder than she expected it to. It was part to comfort you, and part to soothe herself when she stepped forward, pulling you into a hug again, tucking you under her chin while your emotions got the best of you.

“I wasn’t happy…” you cried against her shoulder, “I was fucking miserable. I needed you. I needed you more than I ever possibly thought I could, and I thought you were dead. I thought you were gone forever…but you’re not…”

“I know…I’m sorry…I know…but I’m here now..” she threw caution to the wind as her lips softly met the top of your head, trying to reassure you, “I’m here…and I wish I could’ve been there for you when you needed me. Not a day went by that I didn’t think of you, that I didn’t think of what we had.” Alex pulled away gently, her hand softly stroking at your cheek, her eyes pouring emotion into yours. Your cheek leant into it ever so briefly before you came to your senses, stepping back the second she leaned toward you.

“I can’t…”

“It’s one night…” Alex’s voice was barely above a whisper, and you were sure you had never seen her this vulnerable or pleading in your life, “I don’t know what’s going to happen after the trial…I don’t want to have to leave again having my last memory with you being a fight.” Her hand reached out to yours and you took another step back.

“Al, I reallycan’t.”

“I get it, okay? Part of you hates me, and that’s completely deserved, but all I want right now is to feel you in my arms again.”

“And all I wanted was for you to love me enough to say goodbye!” The words shot from your mouth before you even realized.

“I did love you! I do love you! What was I supposed to do?! Meet up with you to dump you because I was going into Witsec with no end date in sight?”

“You could’ve asked me to come with you! You could’ve at least let me know you were alive! It might’ve made it easier to get over you knowing you weren’t dead.”

“Sweetheart…” she stepped toward you, reaching for you once again. You hastily stepped back once more.

“I said I can’t!” You wiped a stray tear away, “Since I found out you were alive it’s made me feel like I’ve been having some kind of sick affair all this time and I could never do that to her.”

“You’re seeing someone…”

“Yeah..” you sniffled, daring a glance across at her, “I thought you were dead, remember? The last thing Sonya ever said to me was that you would want me to be happy, that it was okay to move on. It was harder than I could’ve ever imagined, but I somehow managed to do it.”

“Novak…” Alex started to pick up on the cues throughout the day that she’d missed previously, “that was my necklace! Jesus you have a sudden thing for lawyers or something?!”

“Oh my God Alex! She had no idea, she grabbed it from the jewelry box this morning, it’s not like she did it intentionally or anything! I didn’t even notice until she came home from work.”

“You..live together!? Are you kidding me?!”

“You are not allowed to be mad about this! You let me believe that you were fucking dead for two years! You left me to grieve, crying over you for months! Sonya fell so far fucking deep I had to get her suspended and sent to rehab! The entire goddamn department was crumbling after you left! I was barely holding on! And guess what? Casey happened to be there, and was a friend that I could lean on, and that friendship morphed into more. You claim you loved me, that you still love me? Yet for some reason it was more important to say goodbye to Benson and Stabler over your own goddamn girlfriend!? Do you not get how fucked up that is? You do NOT get to belittle me because I finally managed to get over you, that I actually managed to move on with my life.”

“Y/n-“

“No.” You warned, grabbing your bag, “this was pointless. I really only came to give this to you, I know how your brain works. If anyone asks you didn’t get it from me.” You pulled the file on Connors out of your bag, tossing it onto the bed.

“Will…will you be there tomorrow?” Her voice wavered, realizing now that she’d fucked up not once but twice, she should’ve realized that you’d moved on with your life, it was only natural.

“I will. But don’t think for one second it’s because of you.” You nearly spat, “Antonio asked me to come, and that’s the onlyreason.”

Wrenching open the door you were gone before she could utter another sound, you tore past Stabler, not even bothering to wait for the elevator, stumbling down the stairs as the tears blurred your eyes. You hated this, you hated every second of it. Alex shouldn’t have been able to break your heart a second time, it shouldn’t have been allowed. You were happy, you loved Casey, everything had finally been on an upswing before she came tearing back into your life. But your heart still had a corner reserved for her, and right now, that corner was crumbled to absolute dust, being blown away in the cold wind of the night.

You did your best to hold your emotions at bay, especially once you got home, but Casey was ever the selfless incredible girlfriend she always had been. She had a glass of scotch in your hand before you’d even managed to get your coat off, she kissed your cheek softly and didn’t ask you any questions, letting you curl up against her on the couch. You apologized so many times you lost count, feeling overwhelming guilty for being this emotional over an ex when you had the most incredible girlfriend right in front of you. She simply kissed your head and reminded you that your feelings were more than valid, letting you breathe it all out.

To be honest, there was a tiny part of her that was…concerned…jealous wasn’t the right word. She knew that no matter what you’d remain faithful to her, but Alex had been such a big part of your life, a turning point as you discovered yourself. She was worried that Alex’s return to the D.A’s office after the trial wrapped could cause some tricky situations…if that’s what the blonde wanted. Obviously whatever had happened between the two of you tonight hadn’t been easy, and she knew it was bound to be a rocky road from here on out until you both managed to cope with things.

Alex dropped down onto the hotel bed, burying her head in her hands. She knew from the instant Hammond and Cragen pulled up to her house in Wisconsin that none of this was going to be easy, but it was so much worse than she could ever imagine. She hated herself, she hated how little and weak she felt, how vulnerable the entire situation was. Not just in being the victim, but in being the idiot who let you go, being the bitch who left without a hint of a goodbye. She had no one to blame but herself for that. You were right, she could’ve left a note with Benson, sent you something non descript that would’ve clued you in that she was okay, that there was a chance that the two of you would be okay, that you potentially could have a future together once this bullshit was over with. But instead she’d taken the cowards way out, and now…you had moved on.

Wiping the tears off her face she sniffled, her attention turning to the file you’d tossed onto the bed. As she flipped it open she realized that not just the paperwork on Connors was in there, you’d added in some things of your own, things that would actually help her even more than knowing what made Connors tick and she was eternally grateful.

*

The next couple of days were a goddamn whirlwind, the Connors trial was everyone’s main priority, but all of you still had actual jobs to do. Benson and Stabler were regularly called away to other cases, your phone buzzed a few times but you were adamant on not leaving Antonio, and honestly, you were worried for Casey’s safety. You’d already lived through one love getting shot, you weren’t about to let that happen again because she was prosecuting this case. Liz reluctantly managed to pass anything that came your way onto a junior A.D.A, but only after you promised to help them through it and even second chair if they needed it. Alex’s testimony proved that the file you’d snuck her had done it’s good, the jury was definitely on the people’s side, and Antonio did so well you felt like you could cry. The kid was so young and had been through so much you knew that the jury had to side with him.

There was a unanimous sigh of relief when the guilty verdict was called through the room. Casey glanced back towards you, a thankful smile on her face as your eyes beamed with pride. You walked Antonio out, passing him off to Agent Hammond after a quick hug, apparently they had something to talk over. You chose to wait for Casey as the crowd dissipated in various directions, though you knew Casey’s office was the end location for everyone. All you wanted was to pull her into a deep kiss and tell her how incredibly she’d done on the case and how much you loved her, but you opted for the knowing gleam in your eye as you squeezed her wrist, keeping the privacy you both preferred.

The SVU crew was only a few steps ahead of you back at Hogan Place, a couple of bottles of champagne present to celebrate the win, this one was special after all. They poured out the glasses, dolling them out to everyone as a chatter took over Casey’s office, happiness and smiles bursting through the room. The door rattled, and you all turned to it, hoping Alex was on the other side, but instead, Agent Hammond entered the room.

“They’re moving Antonio and Alex to new identities. She asked me to say goodbye.” You felt your face fall before you even realized what was happening. You felt Casey’s hand close around your wrist, squeezing softly, thankful you were at the back of the crowd, able to accept the comfort without worry. “And Vanriel..”

“Yes?” Your gaze shot to the man, wondering if maybe this time Alex had left you something.

“Antonio says thank you. He wishes he could tell you in person.”

“Thanks…” you managed out in a breath.

It hit you like a ton of bricks…an eight year old had more courage. He could do his best to give you a proper goodbye but Alex chose to disappear with no warning or afterthought…again. You did your best to hold it together, though the mood in the office was instantly changed to a somber one as Hammond left. Everyone had been hoping for a joyous reunion and celebration, things were awkward until everyone had finished at least one glass of champagne before the conversation started again. Roughly an hour into it as everyone seem distracted you discreetly slipped from the room without anyone noticing. Or…at least you thought. Of course Casey noticed, her eyes following your form as you snuck out her door. She checked her watch as she turned back to the conversation with the detectives, she knew you, and knew that you needed some time alone before she tracked you down.

*

You found your way to your office, thankful at least Ramone was still there to keep you company as you knew you were about to ramble on to no one about the entire situation. Mainly, you were mad. You were mad that Alex chose to walk away from you two years ago without a second glance, that you meant less to her than the detectives did. You were mad that today, even after trying to get your feelings out, she walked away again, that Antonio made sure you knew he was sorry, but she did nothing. You felt betrayed, and you felt betrayed by your own heart, wanting to be able to leave this entire thing in the past and move forward with Casey. It was when you wiped your tears, ready to rant, glancing down at Ramone that you saw the envelope tucked beside him, your name scrawled in Alex’s perfect handwriting across it.

Stopping dead in your tracks you wondered if you even wanted to open it, and then you remembered…all those letters your therapist had encouraged you to write to Alex. The ones you counted as journal entries, the ones you had nowhere to send…until she popped back up in your life.

You’d put them into the file folder with Connors paperwork.

Plucking the envelope from your desk you grabbed the bottle of scotch, picking up a glass from the shelf to pour yourself a hefty amount before you settled on the couch. You had no idea what you were about to get into and you knew that no matter how much you thought you were prepared, you wouldn’t be.

‘Y/N,

I need to start this off by once again, saying that I am incredibly sorry. I know that you’ve probably heard it too much from me over the past couple of days but I will never be able to apologize enough for what I did. I was heartless, and only thinking of myself. I was scared, I was terrified, of not being able to do what I loved for a living, of having to start a new life, but most importantly attempting to survive without

you by my side. Not letting you say goodbye is the biggest regret of my life. At one point I wished that you would wait for me, that when I eventually got to come home that you’d be welcoming me with open arms. I realize now how incredibly stupid that was of me. Why would you wait for someone who wasn’t coming back to you? I’m sorry that I never gave you the proper goodbye, the goodbye you deserved, it wasn’t because I didn’t love you, it was because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you. Leaving New York hurt me, but the fact that I had to leave you behind absolutely destroyed me. I couldn’t bare seeing you one last time, telling you that we had to end it, that it wasn’t safe for either of us. I knew that it would break you, that you were nearly at your tipping point before the entire thing happened. I wanted you to be able to have a life, no matter how much I loved you, I wanted you to live your life, to move forward, and I knew you wouldn’t be able to do that if you knew I was alive somewhere out there. I’ve read all of your letters, and believe me, I cried through most of them. I’m so sorry for all of the pain I’ve caused you, I wish I could take it all back, that I could kiss every crack in your heart until it was healed. I wish I could’ve been there for you when Sonya was killed. I’m so sorry that everything went to shit. I hope you know that I am immensely proud of you for managing to hold the department together while it exploded into a hot mess. I always knew you were better than the rest of us. But most of all…I need you to know that I am incredibly happy that you’ve found love. As much as it may pain me to know you’ve moved on, the fact that you are happy, and that there is someone out there who cares about you more than I ever could, means the world. Casey sounds like the absolute dream. And knowing that she’ll take care of you, that she took care of you through so much, it means the world to me. You truly deserve someone like her, who will love you so selflessly and with all of her heart. I wish the two of you my absolute best.

I’m sorry I had to leave again without a goodbye, but Hammond gave us no options this time.

Antonio wants to say thank you for all the pudding. I swear, you got this kid hooked.

All my love,

Alex.’

Your tears began to litter the paper a few sentences in, you re read it nearly three times, letting the words sink in. You had no idea how much time had passed when there was a soft knock at your door. You hastily wiped your tears off your face, praying your eyes weren’t too red as you called out for them to come in. You didn’t know why you were surprised when Casey slipped into your office, shutting the door behind her.

“You okay?” She asked softly, sinking into the couch beside you. You instantly snuggled against her, humming as her arm wrapped around your shoulders.

“Yeah…I think I finally am.” You felt her lips hit your head, “turns out I got my closure after all.” You held the paper up to her. She took the letter from you, honestly surprised at first as her eyes skimmed the words, that you would let her read it. Then again, you loved and trusted her more than anything, and she was more than well aware of that.

“I’m sorry you ever had to go through this.” She murmured, placing the letter down on the coffee table.

“Thank you.” You sat up slowly, “but you don’t need to be. You’re what helped me through this. You made me able to see life with colour again, you…made me realize that love isn’t just a once in a lifetime experience. That maybe…it’ll come back even more powerful the second time around…” you gave her hand a squeeze, “Casey…please..know that no matter what happened today, I wasn’t going anywhere. I love you..more than anyone could ever imagine. Even if Alex ended up staying in New York, or…coming back to the D.A’s office…it wouldn’t have changed things. The only person I want to spend my life with is you.”

“You sure about that?” She half smirked.

“One hundred percent.” You smiled, kissing her gently, “Alex may have been a significant part of my past, but you…Casey Novak..you’re my future.”

Warnings: Language. There’s some feels. I wouldn’t call it angst..not yet.
Taglist:@charabs@emilyprentisswife@bisexualcrowley@detective-giggles@natasha-danvers@stardust-fray@ineedafinghug@veteranwerewolf95@billiedeannovak@stardust-galaxies@vivis-ghost-wife@beccabarba@imlike-so-gaydude@mspetey@wannabe-fic-reader@sarcasticmami​@rwbyfan16​@gaylorrds​@infiniteoddball​@delphineecormierr​

Casey’s hand squeezed yours tightly, bringing you back to Earth as you waited to cross the street. You were headed into court while she was headed into Hogan Place after you’d done a little switcheroo with your cases.

“It’s gonna be fine.” She murmured quietly, kissing at your shoulder. “I know it’s a lot, but maybe you’ll be able to actually get some closure.”

“I know.” You sighed, “do you know what time they’re coming?”

“No. After what happened to Antonio before the Grand Jury they’re keeping everything hush hush, I was just told it would happen today.”

“Okay.” You turned to your girlfriend, wrapping against her in a tight hug before you gave her a gentle kiss, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Casey kissed the tip of your nose, “now go crush it.” She nodded toward the court house, a warm smile on her face before turning to the street.

“Case!” Stalling, she turned back, stepping closer to you, out of the way of the foot traffic, “I almost forgot, can you give these to Antonio for me?” She chuckled softly as you handed her a four pack of chocolate pudding, “and..Alex…for lack of a better term, she can be a bitch. She comes off super cold and standoffish…or..at least she used to.” You realized it had been nearly two years, and she’d been living as someone else, who knows how she would’ve changed, “it’s nothing personal.”

“You sure about that?” Casey half laughed, “I did kinda steal both her job and her girlfriend.”

“Okay, but..she doesn’t know the second half of that. And she left without saying goodbye, and I thought she was dead.  There’s a few technicalities in there.”

“Okay..” she laughed, “I’ll keep in professional lawyer mode.” Quickly pecking your cheek she jogged back to the street, barely making it across before the light had changed. Sighing, you shook out of it, turning back to the court house, you had a job to do, and you were already behind on the case.

*

Casey had to admit, she was a little nervous going into today. Not only was it a big case already, with Antonio nearly being shot before he could even testify at the Grand Jury much less the trial, but Alex being so dangerously hit that she’d been in protection for so long. This was a risky case, and she hadn’t missed the protective detail Cragen had assigned to both you and her considering you’d started the case before recusing.

Not to mention, this just wasn’t the ideal way to meet your partner’s ex-girlfriend. Especially considering all of the baggage that surrounded the end of that relationship. She was more thankful than ever that Donnelly was the only one who knew about her relationship with you, at least, officially. She was sure that some of the squad or other members at the D.A’s office had their suspisions, but you’d always kept things as professional as you could around work. At least this way she was ninety percent sure Alex wouldn’t be coming into her office knowing that she was dating her ex.

She suddenly felt weird knowing so much about Alex, all the little stories you’d told her while you were just on the friend bases, the ones that helped you get over Alex, helping you grieve and put your life back together. She grimaced, knowing she’d have to look the blonde in the eye for God knows how long today and pretend she didn’t know exactly how she took her coffee, or that she’d buy Neapolitan ice cream and only eat one flavour at a time until it as all gone instead of buying just the one flavour she was craving. Casey knew that she burnt her eggs every time she made them, and that she had a horrible habit of leaving leftovers in their pots to toss them in the fridge until you were out of pots to cook with (not that that one really mattered to Alex, you were the one that did more cooking, she’d just order takeout if there weren’t dishes clean).

Letting out a heavy groan she dropped her head down onto her desk. Yup. Today was going to be a weird one, that was for sure. She could only pray that this trial was over and done with as quickly as possible.

*

Alex felt strange enough being back in New York, the city much more bustling and crowded than the little suburb of Wisconsin she’d been stowed away in. She felt exposed, very exposed, thankful for the constant guard at her side, sure, Connors was in custody, but he also was when they’d shot that little boy. She couldn’t remember his name right now, but was sure she’d end up meeting him later.

But now…she felt even stranger, standing between Hogan Place and the courthouse, a place she’d spent so many years, a place that was more of a home than some of her apartments had been. She was incredibly nervous about returning, realizing her hands were shaking a second too late, shoving them into her coat pockets. She’d been both relieved and saddened when they’d told her you’d recused yourself from the case. She didn’t know anything about this new prosecutor, and knew that you could hold your own, even on a tough case, but understood why you’d stepped back. The thought of having to testify while you were the one throwing questions her way made her head spin, not knowing how you were going to take everything. At least with this new girl it was a blank slate for each of them.

Truthfully, she was more terrified at the thought of seeing you again than having to testify, her stomach was in absolute knots, praying that you weren’t about to walk out of the doors she stood in front of. She knew she’d been stupid to end it like she did, especially since Liv had mentioned Elliot let it slip that she’d said an in person goodbye to the two of them. She hated herself for it, and hoped that you’d be able to forgive her, that maybe, just maybe the two of you could move past it together once the case was wrapped. Her chest felt tight at the thought of going inside Hogan Place, praying that they wouldn’t run into you and end up trapped in an elevator together. She wondered if you even knew she was coming in today, everything had been kept so quiet she was sure only this new A.D.A would be privy to the knowledge.

“C’mon, let’s get you inside.” The voice broke into her thoughts, pulling her back to the bustling street of the city. She gave a tight smile and a nod, taking a heavy breath before she pulled on a hypothetical mask, her prosecutor exterior holding it together as she pushed the glass door open.

*

Your day in court had turned into a morning in court, you picked up lunch on the way back to the office, thankful when you saw that Casey’s office door was sitting open about a quarter of the way.

“Hey, turns out I-“ You froze, your heart suddenly hammering in your chest.

Why the fuck was the door not closed all the way if Alex was in here, why the fuck wasn’t there a cop at the door?! You felt about fifty emotions flying across your face, praying that not all of them were showing. You were doing the best to hold back the part of your brain that was telling you to burst into tears, the part of you that wanted to bury yourself in her arms and never let her go. Up until this point it had been like all of it was some kind of horrible nightmarish dream, but she was real. She was really real, and she was sitting on the couch in Casey’s office staring right back at you with those goddamn sapphire eyes full of pensive surprise. Her hair was longer, but aside from that not much had changed, she was just as goddamn stunningly beautiful as the day you’d met her. You could see the sudden hint of building tears blurring her eyes and suddenly wished you’d just gone up to your office and texted Casey instead.

Alex felt like she was about to explode, the absolute joy splayed across your face before you’d realized she was in the office, you clearly got along with Casey, and hadn’t realized she’d be in there too. She’d hoped to arrange some kind of meet up, a time where she could try to explain what happened, explain herself after all this time. Her eyes drank you in, not that she needed any reminder of how beautiful you were, but actually hearing your voice and seeing you in front of her again was nearly too much for her.

Casey did her best to not awkwardly look between the two of you as whatever was happening happened. She knew she had to expect something like this, that there would be a lot of unfinished business you’d have to take care of, but right now, she was merely there as a coworker. You met her eye quickly,

“I-sorry, I didn’t realize..”

“I thought I texted you…”

Fuck.

You always kept your phone on do not disturb during court. You must’ve forgotten to turn it back on. You saw Alex about to open her mouth when suddenly another voice cut in,

“Miss Y/N!” Antonio bounded over from the other table where he’d been quietly occupied with colouring and pudding snacks. You’d never been so grateful for a child in your damn life, hopefully discreetly dropping the bag of takeout in the hall before you stepped into the office, crouching to greet the boy.

“How’s my favourite little dude?” You asked, trying to keep your balance as he hugged you tightly.

“Much better with the pudding.”

“Good.” You gently brushed back the front of his hair, “looks like that magic cure worked, your head’s looking a lot better.”

“I know!” He practically puffed his chest out in achievement, pulling a small giggle from you.

Completely unbeknownst to either of you (or the other two women in the office) both Casey and Alex were watching you with complete adoration in their eyes and small smiles on their faces. You’d always been adamant on not wanting kids, especially after the last year, but goddamn you were ever good with them. There was a reason you took so many cases with children versus the other people you worked with, you had a magic skill, that was for sure.

“Why aren’t you taking the Ghost to court anymore?” Antonio asked, and God your heart melted, you wanted nothing more than to be able to get this kid some justice, but you knew Casey would do everything she could.

“Well..my boss told me I couldn’t, that she had something else for me to do instead.”

“Is the Ghost not as important.” You barely held back the pout as Antonio’s face fell.

“Uh…no buddy. You’re the most important, I only bring the most special people pudding.” You enunciated with a soft poke to his chest as your brain scrambled to figure out how to explain this to an eight year old without having to divulge into the actual reason in front of the other two, “it’s like…when you really want chicken nuggets for dinner, but your Mom’s already made spaghetti, so she needs you to eat that instead. The chicken nuggets are way better, but you gotta listen to your Mom, right?”

“Right.” He nodded, “so I’m a chicken nugget?” You giggled,

“If that’s what you wanna be, yeah.”

“Good. I love chicken nuggets.”

“Me to bud.” You ruffled his hair, “and believe me, Miss Casey here is going to do an incredible job with the Ghost in court. Probably even better than I would have.” You glanced up at Casey and if you didn’t practically melt on the spot at the look in her eyes.

“Will you be there?” Antonio asked, a sense of worry crossing his eyes.

“Of course. I’ll be watching in the gallery, along with Detective Mike, okay?” At this point you didn’t care if Donnelly suspended you for turning your phone off, this kid wanted you there and you weren’t gonna miss it.

“Okay.” He gave you a small nod before his face slightly lit up, “Have you met Miss Alex? She saw the Ghost too.”

“I-uh…” you dared a glance over at the blonde, the too familiar tightening in your chest returning, “yeah, we used to work together.” You gave his shoulder a squeeze as you returned to standing, “but I think I should let you guys get back to work.” Giving the office a tight smile you began to turn to the door,

“Didn’t you neeed something?” Casey’s voice broke the slight tension in the air.

“Oh, shi-oot.” You barely caught yourself, “yeah. They found more evidence that links Carolyn to planning the photos of the..incident..” you hated having to censor yourself infront of Antonio and still make sense to Casey, “we want to talk to Danny, but he refuses to talk unless you’re there. Can you meet us at Rikers when you’re done here?”

“Yeah, course.” She smiled, “I’ll text you once we’re wrapped up.”

“Thanks.” Your eyes slid past Alex, doing your best to give a respectful goodbye as you slipped out of the office, pulling the door shut behind you. Taking a small breather you tried not to bang your head against the wall, knowing they’d hear it inside, picking up the bag of takeout you’d brought with you.

Why didn’t you remember to check your phone??

*

Liz’s head shifted from her computer to her doorway when your knock pulled her from her emails, a curious look on her face when you spoke.

“I come baring take out.” You smiled, moving through her office.

“What’d’you do? Aren’t you supposed to be in court?”

“They called for continuance, we’re figuring it out.”

“Okay…” she eyed you, “and you’re coming to my office for lunch why?”

“You can have lunch in my office, but I can’t have lunch in my favourite boss’s office? I even brought you food! Come on Liz.” Her brow cocked, closing the laptop and shifting it to the side with a smirk.

“You bought Casey lunch but Alex is in her office right now, isn’t she?”

“Yeah…” you dropped down into one of the chairs with a hefty sigh. “Sorry..I just..you’re better company than Ramone..”

“Ramone?”

“We named the cactus…felt less stupid when one of us ended up talking to a fucking plant when there was no one around.”

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear any of that. What did you bring me?”

“Shrimp scampi from Forlini’s.” You replied, pulling it out of the bag, passing it and a fork to her before tugging out your own.

“Thank you, even though this wasn’t your intention.”

“Thanks for not kicking me out.” You replied, plucking the lid off your pesto gnocchi.

“As much as you kids annoy me sometimes, I’m never gonna kick you out.” She replied, giving you a once over, “how’re you doing with everything?”

“It’s…a handful…” you chewed over a bite, “I had my phone turned off and missed Casey’s text, walked straight into the fire of seeing Alex again.”

“It’s hard. Even knowing she’s alive there’s still a lot to unpack there for the two of you. I take it you haven’t talked to her at all?”

“How could I? I’ve had no way to contact her for two years, and it’s not like her location is blasted on social media right now.”

“Benson really didn’t give you any hints or inside scoop after that blowout the other day?”

“You heard about that?” You grimaced, glancing up at her.

“Sweetheart, you said it yourself, I have this building bugged, I know everything.” You let out a soft laugh at that.

“No…just like before, Benson’s barely meeting my eye whenever I’m around.”

“She probably feels bad, I mean she owes you one hell of an apology at the least.”

“You’re not going to yell at me for telling her to fuck off?” Liz nearly snorted.

“She’s not my department, I could care less what you say to her and Stabler. They both deserve to be knocked down a few pegs. Tell ya what, I’ll put a few feelers out, see if I can find out where Alex is staying while she’s here, the two of you need to at least try to talk.”

“Thanks.” You gave her a weak smile, delving back into your gnocchi.

“Tell me something.”

“Mmm?” You cocked a brow at the older woman.

“Are you happy with Casey?”

“Unbelievably.” The reply was out of your lips before you could even think, “she helped me through so much, even after I was incredibly rude to her. I don’t think I would’ve made it through without her…I really fucking love her.”

“And Alex?”

“What’d’you mean?” You glanced up at Liz, your fork pausing halfway to its takeout container.

“The last time we talked about her you said you had wanted to marry her.”

“Yeah…” you sighed, “but that was before she abandoned me without saying goodbye. She not only told Benson and Stabler she was alive but actually met with them, they got to say an actual, real, in person goodbye to her. All I got was half assed apology from Olivia as she realized Alex and I were more than friends. What kind of person says they love you and then pulls crap like that?”

Liz had barely opened her mouth to reply when your phone pinged, Casey had finished with Alex and Antonio, and was ready to head down to Rikers with you to meet Danny. You sighed,

“Duty calls.” You shoved the lid back on your lunch as you stood. “Thank you..” the warm smile you gave Liz was all she needed to know that you truly meant it. That it wasn’t just that you didn’t want to be alone at lunch, you often sought her out when you needed advice, whether it was work related or not.

“You know what to do sweetheart. Your heart knows. Just follow it, no matter how rough the path seems.”

“Okay, who are you and what’ve you done with Elizabeth Donnelly?” You teased, pulling the door open.

You knew the next couple of days were going to be a fucking gong show, but at least you knew that there were people who would support you no matter what the outcome was. People who would always have your back. You only hoped things wouldn’t be as complicated as they had a high potential to be.

Warnings: Language. Minor angst. Lotsa feels.
Taglist:@charabs@emilyprentisswife@bisexualcrowley@detective-giggles@natasha-danvers@stardust-fray@ineedafinghug@veteranwerewolf95@billiedeannovak@stardust-galaxies@vivis-ghost-wife@beccabarba@imlike-so-gaydude@mspetey@wannabe-fic-reader​@sarcasticmami​@rwbyfan16​@gaylorrds​@infiniteoddball​@delphineecormierr​

*

It appeared, once again that your office was the meeting point for nearly everything. Although this time it was usually just Casey, with the occasional pop in of someone from the squad or a prosecutor from a different department. You were still half working as you picked at lunch at your desk, Casey having settled into the table as she shot off a couple of thoughts about her current case. The case you were working was still very much in the preliminary stages, the only potential witness not really willing to talk yet, especially considering he was an eight year old.

You figured that your surprise lunch guest would be someone from the squad, coming to pick up a warrant or hand over more information, so it was safe to say you were confused when Liz popped into your office, coffee and take out in hand as she settled into the couch.

“You here to multitask and yell at one of us while you eat?” You questioned, your brows furrowed.

“If she’s here to yell at one of us it’s probably me.” Casey replied, half smirking.

“What’d you do?”

“She’s taking a case to trial that should just be made a deal.” Donnelly replied, “but that’s not why I’m here.”

“You know you don’t need to supervise us, we’re not fucking in the office during lunch.” You retorted.

“No, just making out when you should be working.” Liz laughed,

“Hey! That was one time! And technically I only did it so Casey would shut up.”

“Wow…” the redhead cut in, “love you too.” You playfully rolled your eyes at her.

“Can’t I just want to have lunch with my prosecutors?”

“You never once had lunch with us before.”

“This office was pure chaos!”

“That’s the polite way of saying you didn’t like Sonya.”

Liz shot you a half glare, but didn’t dispute your statement, turning her attention to Casey instead. You turned your attention back to your lunch as the other two half talked half argued their way through Casey’s case. Your eyes scanned through the pages Benson had dropped off for you earlier, she had a narcotics detective with her when she’d dropped them off, he’d introduced himself as Mike but that was about all you could remember. You weren’t quite sure about the case, but you knew Antonio was the key to winning it. Your phone pinging brought you out of your thoughts, your hand slid the notification open and you nearly dropped it as you read the message.

“Fuuuck..” it was just above a whisper, but loud enough for the other two to turn their attention to you.

“What?” Liz questioned, the stiffness of boss mode shifting back into her voice.

“They need me down at Mercy,” you scrambled, pulling on your coat as you flipped the couple of files shut.

“Is Antonio okay?” Casey asked, worry written upon her face.

“Uh-yeah! He’s fine. I- ballistics came back…the gun that shot him was a match for the one that killed Alex.”

“Y/N…” Liz gave you a warning glance as you shot through the room.

“You were gonna let me prosecute it the first time! Let me get her some damn justice!” You were already around the door frame when you came half jogging back up to Casey, kissing her softly, “Love you.”

“Where’s mine?” Liz teased as you jogged back out to the hall.

“Youjust told me no making out in the office!” You teased back as you sped out of Hogan Place.

*

Detective Sandoval was waiting for you outside the play room where Antonio was. He thanked you for coming down so quickly, saying that Olivia mentioned you had some magic powers when it came to kids and recommended you join.

“Hola Antonio.” He greeted the boy with a soft smile.

“Hola Mike.” Antonio replied, before turning to you, “what’s your name?” Well that was a first, so far the boy had only been speaking Spanish. Although, being shot in the head was a pretty traumatic event.

“I’m Y/N.” you smiled, “can I sit down?” He nodded. You stepped out of your heels, sitting down on the mat beside him, “it’s so nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too. Are you a police woman?”

“No, I’m not. I’m a lawyer. I’m going to take the bad man who did this to you to court.”

“And then he’ll go away?”

“Yup.” Okay, okay, you knew you weren’t supposed to make promises like that, but this kid was so cute you could fib a little, plus, he needed to trust you. “Do you think you’d recognize him if you saw him again?”

“I don’t want to…he’ll kill me.”

“We’ll protect you.” Mike crouched down beside you, “promise buddy.”

Antonio mustered up a small smile in return. You spent a fair amount of time chatting with him, and by the end of it, he was very warmed up to the two of you. It’s not like you really had anywhere else to be at the moment, and the more you bonded with him early on, the more he’d trust you and feel confident testifying when the case went to trial. A nurse came by to mention to Mike that Antonio needed to go back to his room for lunch, and have a short chat with the detective.

“How’s that head doin?” You asked softly.

“Kinda hurts still.”

“Well…I’ve got a few friends, I’m sure I can score ya some extra chocolate puddings for snack, I hear that’s the secret cure.”

“Really?!” His eyes lit up and you let out a gentle laugh,

“Yeah! Anything for the coolest dude I know!”

“Thanks y/n.” Your heart fucking melted when he launched to you in a hug. Fuck. Now you really had to win this case.

Antonio happily headed back to his room with the nurse, knowing that extra desserts would be coming soon. Mike turned to you, gesturing to his phone,

“They found where Connors is likely to be hiding, they’re on route now.”

“Okay. Talk to the nurse, see if we’ll be able to borrow Antonio for the line up later today. I’ll start putting together a Grand Jury. Does…he have any relatives? A safe place to stay?”

“His Aunt’s coming in.”

“Good.” You nodded, “keep an eye on him?”

“Course.” He gave you a quick nod as he turned to leave.

“Hey, detective!”

“Yeah?”  He stalled, turning back to you.

“Are…they one hundred percent sure on that ballistics match?”

“That old A.D.A?” He fumbled slightly, realizing that you were an A.D.A, “yeah. It was a complete match. I’m sorry. This must bring up some bad memories.”

“Like you wouldn’t believe..” you murmured, “thanks.” You shot him a tight smile as you turned away to the nurses station. You had a chocolate pudding emergency to see to.

*

The next twenty four hours went by like a fucking blur. Since you’d been at the hospital you picked up the medical records for both Antonio and Alex, dropping in quickly to see Melinda asking if she could pull all the autopsy’s she had for the case. Then it was off to the precinct for the lineup where Antonio successfully identified Connors, you had a brief chat with his lawyer after the detectives had grilled him for a few hours before he was taken to the tombs.

The next morning your Grand Jury was waiting much longer than expected as there was a shooting outside Antonio’s Aunt’s house while he was on the way to testify. Mike had been grazed and the boy didn’t want to leave his side, which in turn meant that you made it to arraignment fifteen minutes too late. In a final, last ditch attempt, you called out that Benson and Stabler were present because they were arresting him for murder, of Assitant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot. If this prick was going to get to walk on four murders and an attempted murder, the least you could do was get him for the one that hurt you the most.

Olivia and Elliot gave you a look that seemed like they were judging your ballsy-ness, but they at least somewhat agreed that keeping Connors in custody was the smartest idea. Especially for Antonio’s safety. You sped back over to your office, you had mountains of paperwork to go through, and now that this was shifting to be Alex’s case, you needed to familiarize yourself with all of those details instead of focussing on the other ones.

You had the ballistics reports, the crime lab reports, there were copies of Liv and Elliot’s witness statements. Files from the EMT’s that picked them up, trauma admittance paperwork, the chart work from whatever nurses and doctors took on the case, a write up of what went down in the operating room, and the one that stung the most, the death certificate. You carefully flipped through the files Melinda had given you, searching for the autopsy, but it was nowhere to be found. Sighing heavily, you packed up what you had, heading down to the M.E’s office, you only had so many hours from arrest to arraignment and something wasn’t lining up.

“Hey.” You knocked gently on the door jam of Melinda’s office, “I’m missing one of your autopsy’s.”

“Which one?” She turned to you, brow furrowed, she knew all her paperwork was filed away promptly and correctly in a very organized manner.

“Alex’s.”

“I never did Alex’s…someone else took care of it.”

“I don’t suppose you’d have any idea where it might be?”

“Follow me.” She took you down the hall, and honestly the first thing you thought of was the day Casey’s office was full of boxes from the army. The room was filled with filing cabinets, though they were at least dated. “Should be somewhere in here,” she gestured to one of the cabinets.

“Great…” you replied.

“Give me everything you already have, I’ll look over it and see if I can narrow it down for you.”

“Thanks.”

Pulling the stack from your bag you passed them off to her before you tugged off your blazer, settling in as she left the room. Your fingers deftly swiped through file after file, anything that was on the correct day, you pulled out to double check, anything that was even remotely close to Alex’s name you pulled. Four drawers later and you were still empty handed, and now very confused. Sure, it wasn’t as efficient as Melinda’s system, but it’s not like it was a giant mess of disorganization, you started to wonder if you’d missed something. Moving back to the top drawer of the cabinet you pulled it open again, determined to go through every single folder until you finally found it, it was imperative to your case. You’d made it halfway through the first row when Melinda popped back up, your stack of paperwork in her hand.

“Are you sure you pulled all the right files?”

“What? Yeah. I got them the other day when I was here, everything was official, why?” She moved over to the desk, placing a few pieces of paper down on it.

“Because her chart, the O.R paperwork and the death certificate all have the same signature.”

“Okay?” They were medical papers, that was something totally normal, right?

“The chart should be signed by whoever the head E.R or trauma doctor was that night, her O.R stuff should be signed by the head surgeon, and the certificate could be signed by one of them, but should be signed by whoever confirmed cause of death.”

“Which would be an M.E?”

“Yes. But the problem being that I don’t recognize this name. I ran it through our system and nothing popped.”

“There’s something else going on here…”

“And you’ve got fifteen hours to figure it out.”

“Don’t remind me!” You rolled your eyes, “and thank you!” You shot quickly as you gathered up what you’d came with. You had to figure this out, and you had to figure this out quick if you wanted Connors to stay behind bars. At this rate, your own safety relied on it.

*

Cragen’s office door was open a crack, and honestly, the ride over to the precinct had gotten you more than riled up, so you didn’t bother knocking.

“What the fuck is going on here?” You started.

“Excuse me?” He shot back, you barely registered the other body in the room.

“I’ve got fourteen hours until I need to arraign Connors for Alex’s murder if I want to get an indictment, and there’s some kind of cover up going on that I’m going to need you to explain right now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It was your detectives who were with her when she was shot, those same detectives were the ones that were at the hospital, and the same ones who gave me the news that she had been killed. There’s official paperwork missing that I need in order to prosecute her murder.”

“You can’t prosecute Connors for murder.” The other voice in the office broke through.

“I’m sorry?! I don’t work for you, or the NYPD, so you can’t be telling me what I can and can’t do.” Your head swiveled back to Cragen, “who the fuck is this?”

“D.E.A Agent Hammond, meet A.D.A VanRiel.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re here, I’ll need your testimony too.”

“I’m not risking my career by committing perjury!” Hammond shot back.

“Well good thing I’m not asking you to. I’ll just need you to bring up the agent he had killed and Alex’s death.”

“That’sexactly what you’re asking me to do!”

“What are you talking about?!”

“Ms Cabot isn’tdead!”

You felt like you were suddenly trapped in a dream…a nightmare…your heart all but stopped as the words tumbled out of his mouth. You weren’t even really sure what emotion to feel, the tears beginning to cloud your eyes part anger, part shock, a little bit of joy and a flame of sorrow. Alex was dead, she had to be, if there was some shred of possibility that she survived why the fuck wouldn’t she have told you?

“What?” Your voice was suddenly barely above a whisper, the stern prosecutor tone you’d barrelled in with completely vanished.

“You stashed her in witness protection…” Cragen came to his senses before you could even wrap you brain around Hammond’s admission. He gave a soft nod and you turned to Cragen.

“Did you know about this?”

“No but his detectives did.” Hammon replied, and the sudden influx of anger and frustration was suddenly back. You’d vanished from the office before either of them had a chance to stop you.

“Benson, Stabler, conference room now!”

The two of them glanced between each other before following you into the room. Despite your bubbling emotions you knew that information was still highly confidential, waiting until the door was shut, attempting to keep your voice away from yelling as you turned on the two of them.

“Either of you ready to explain why the hell you failed to mention that Alex isn’t actually dead?! You both signed DD5’s for Connors arrest for murder! That’s enough of a problem as it is!”

“We couldn’t exactly tell you in the middle of open court and risk something happening to Alex.” Oliva did her best to calm you with her response.

“She’s been in Witsec for two years! You had more than enough time to mention it! You could’ve brought it up once the ballistics match came back! You would’ve had to commit perjury on the stand for that case anyways! What were you thinking!?”

“Maybe that Alex told us specifically not to tell anyone else that she was alive. Not to mention the entire W.P.P policy that once someone knows they have to relocate them again!” Stabler’s words made you nearly freeze. They knew…they actually knew, the entire Goddamn time. Though…only Olivia had known you were in a relationship with Alex, and judging by the look on Elliot’s face compared to hers, she hadn’t told him.

“You…you saw her? After she was shot?” You were doing your absolute best to hold back whatever type of tears were pooling in her eyes.

“The day before her funeral,” Elliot replied, “she arranged a meet to say goodbye before Hammond whisked her off to wherever she’s been hiding.” Your eyes shot to Liv, your voice a shaky near growl by now,

“You fucking bitch…”

“Hey!” Stabler tried to cut in, your hand flew out to stop him.

“Youknew! You fucking knew! This entire goddamn time! You let me attempt to mourn her for two fucking years while you knew she was alive, that she was fine! Hiding somewhere! Did you not think you could trust me?! That this was the better option? Letting me think the fucking love of my life was dead?! You supported me when I tried to solve her murder! Meanwhile you’re the ones that got to actually say goodbye?! What kind of fucking bullshit is that?! Fuck you! Fuck the both of you!”

Olivia tried to get a word in, even one of apology, but you were gone before she could even properly get her thoughts together. Elliot turned to her with complete confusion written across his face before she finally admitted that she’d known about your relationship with Alex. And to be completely honest, part of him agreed with you, if they knew, and they got to say a final (alive) goodbye, hadn’t you deserved to know too?

*

Casey’s week had gone from meh to worse after you dashed out of your office the previous afternoon. Her case was looking like it was headed down the toilet, Donnelly was on her ass about it, and she knew

the next couple of weeks were going to be rough on your relationship as you attempted to prosecute Alex’s murder. She knew she shouldn’t feel jealous, that whatever had happened between you and Alex was in the past. But things were always more complicated when a partner who you loved more than anything passed, it wasn’t the same as a breakup, the love was still there, and possibly always would be. In an attempt to burn of as much steam as she could before heading home, she’d ended up at the batting cages, channeling whatever emotions and work frustrations she was having into hitting the balls as hard as she could. She certainly hadn’t expected to hear your voice break through her concentration.

“Nice hit.” She briefly glanced up, knowing how much time she had before the next ball.

“Thanks.” She gave you a soft smile before taking another swing, “what’re you doing here? I thought I’d meet you at home?”

“I-uh..I need you to take the Connors case.” Another ping echoed through the room.

“Why? Donnelly said she was fine with you working it after you left yesterday.”

“Yeah well I doubt she’ll be okay with it now. And…I need to recuse myself…” Casey glanced up at you briefly before hitting another ball.

“What’s going on?”

“Alex is alive.”

That caught her attenion entirely, the bat dropped to her side, not remembering the machine was about to chuck another full speed ball at her. She’d barely stepped toward you when it collided with her arm, a loud swear escaping her lips before she hastily ducked out of the cage.

“What’re you talking about?”

“They stashed her in Witsec…” You were doing literally everything in your power to hold back. You loved Casey more than anything, you knew you did, but things were about to fucking explode and you weren’t quite sure how to deal with it. “Liv…knew the entire time…apparently she met with them before she left..”

“What?” Casey breathed out, “why wouldn’t she want to see you?”

“I…don’t know…” you dared to look up at her, your eyes uncontrollably glassing over, “…maybe she never really loved me…”

“Oh sweetheart…” The bat and helmet clattered to the ground as Casey pulled you into her arms. She no longer cared about any amount of jealousy or past relationships, she still loved you more than anything, and always would. And her job now (aside from prosecuting this case) was to make sure that you knew how loved you were, and that whatever happened in the following weeks, she’d support you no matter what, even if it meant losing you. You deserved to be happy, and that was all that mattered, even if it wasn’t with her in the end.

Hidden Desires Ch 18

Warnings: Language. Just fluff
Taglist:@charabs@bisexualcrowley@emilyprentisswife@detective-giggles@natasha-danvers@stardust-fray@ineedafinghug@veteranwerewolf95@billiedeannovak@stardust-galaxies@vivis-ghost-wife@beccabarba@imlike-so-gaydude@mspetey@wannabe-fic-reader@sarcasticmami@rwbyfan16@gaylorrds@infiniteoddball@delphineecormierr

When you pushed open the door to Casey’s office you only made it three quarters of the way before you were hit with resistance, nearly stumbling against the door.

“What the fuck?” You muttered more to yourself, nearly jumping when Casey popped into view in front of you.

“Hey, sorry…kinda overflowing here.” She moved over to the table, placing the file box down as she started to root through it.

“I can tell…what is all this?” You glanced around, her office was full of stacks of boxed filled with paperwork, you pitied the poor person who had been responsible for bringing it all upstairs.

“You think this is bad, the conference room has about three hundred more.”

“Okay, but whatis it?” You’d been in court basically the entire last week and hadn’t had the opportunity to even know what Casey was working on.

“Somewhere in these boxes are about fifty documents I need in order to indict the U.S. Army for rape and murder.”

“I-what?”

Casey then launched into a spree, her words moving so quickly you could barely digest them before she’d moved on to the next topic. You could see the fire behind her eye, the small grin on her face as she spewed through everything, the passion she held shining through so brightly you were swelling with pride, now hearing her words even less as you caught the sparkle in her eye. You laughed lightly, trying to grab her attention, break her out of the spell, calling her name. She didn’t let up, simply shot you a dazzling grin as she continued babbling over the case and her plans.

“Slow down Case..” you laughed, “okay..stop..” you words had no affect on her, as she paced back to the other side of the office, pullling down another box, continuing on in her rant. “Casey!”

This time she at least turned around, but her lips wouldn’t stop moving and suddenly she wasn’t the only one overcome with passion in the office. With barely a thought you stepped forward and kissed her, her body tensed in surprise but then instantly melted against you, lips moving with barely a thought against each other.

“Now would you shut up for a second?” You murmured as you pulled apart.

“Only if you promise to do that again.” She replied with a gleam in her eye, you chuckled, kissing her again. This time her hands wrapped around your waist, pulling you to her as your settled around her shoulders. Her tongue slid over your lower lip and you were just about to allow her entrance when a voice rang out.

“Novak!” You tore apart, leaning back against the desk as Liz popped into the doorway, “conference room now!” Her eyes darted between the two of you, a small scoff, “and would you please leave the make out sessions at home?” Casey sputtered, and you rolled your eyes.

“You have these offices bugged don’t you!?” You called after her as she vanished from the doorway. Casey gave you a sheepish grin, pecking your cheek quickly before she followed Liz down the hall.

That night you went out for dinner, Casey explaining her case in more details so you could actually make sense of it, and you commended her for taking on such a big challenge in her first year in sex crimes. She knew she wasn’t actually going to get an indictment, but hoped that maybe people would actually start to pay attention now. Linking your hand in hers as you left the resturaunt, you slowly wandered the streets of Manhattan until you were outside her apartment. You were quick to come up for a nightcap, though that first night lead to nothing more than a steamy make out session followed by a night of cuddling. And honestly, it was the best sleep either of you had had in a very long time.

If you thought you had fallen for people in the past quicker than average, you had no idea what was coming with Casey. You fell into bed together three days later, Casey reminding you just how incredible it was to be with a woman. By the end of the week your disclosure paperwork was filed with Liz, who shook her head at you, making a comment on how you now had a very specific type. Aside from Donnelly, you knew it was best to keep your relationship private, not only to keep private life private, but with everything that had happened in the department over the past year, you wanted to keep each other safe. Casey made a promise to you that she wasn’t going anywhere, and she wasn’t about to break it.

It took you less than a month to fall completely head over heels in love with her, and honestly, Casey felt the exact same, and the two of you used every opportunity to remind the other. She was just so Goddamn soft with you it made you absolutely weak, every little moment that you spent together made your heart swell a little more. The love radiating off Casey beginning to heal the cracks left from Alex, soothing the pain leftover from Sonya’s sudden death. In turn the love you carried for her warmed her up again, made her realize that true, real love does exist, her hesitancy to get into a relationship after Charlie nearly vanishing completely. She knew you absolutely adored her, and she wanted nothing more than for you to be her endgame.

A few months down the line, you caught her on the way out of the office, joking that she was ditching you for lunch. She laughed and said she was meeting with a few landlords to look at a few apartments closer to work, and asked if you wanted to be a second set of eyes for her. You talked living situations on the way over, she almost dared to ask the lingering question, especially when you brought up that you were always at her place instead of yours (despite you being much closer to work) because it was still a little weird being in the home you’d shared with Alex. You both awkwardly dodged the conversation, veering off into another zone. That was of course, until you both instantly fell in love with a condo in Tribeca that the landlord originally wasn’t going to show you. Casey knew it was out of her price range, and said she’d think about it, taking a business card to call back later. You could tell she was sulking about it the rest of the afternoon, so you bit the bullet and suggested splitting the rent, your apartment was on a monthly lease anyways.

You’d never expected the year and a half to progress like it did, but you were more than happy with how it turned out. Easily settling into a very domesticated relationship with Casey, getting to wake up beside her every morning, falling asleep in her arms each night? You couldn’t ask for anything more. You very happily celebrated your one year anniversary with a splurge of a luxurious night out, knowing that there was nothing that could come between your love.

Warnings: Language, mentions of blood.
Taglist:@charabs@bisexualcrowley@emilyprentisswife@detective-giggles@natasha-danvers@stardust-fray@ineedafinghug@veteranwerewolf95@billiedeannovak@stardust-galaxies@vivis-ghost-wife@beccabarba@imlike-so-gaydude@mspetey@wannabe-fic-reader@sarcasticmami@rwbyfan16@gaylorrds@infiniteoddball@delphineecormierr

*

You were pleasantly surprised with how easily the next few months passed, everything seemed to be falling into place, your personal friendship with Casey continuing to grow as well as your professional one. Sonya, Casey and you were all working better together with every single day, you easily exchanged information and facts over cases, and when need be, weren’t afraid to take on the detectives together when they tried to team up on a single one of you. (Not that Sonya needed any help in that department). There were countless hours spent working in each other’s offices, multiple lunches out in the city as you took a break from Hogan Place, and a few after work drinks while you wound down from the day.

You knew that things had hit a new level of peace, of closure, when you were getting ready one morning pulling your curled hair half back to pin up when your eyes settled on the gem sitting against your collarbone. Your head tilted while your lips pursed, your hands swiftly pinning back the required locks before one moved to the necklace, twirling it between your fingers. It had nearly been a security blanket since the day Alex looped it around your neck, but today…it finally felt like you didn’t need it anymore. Your hands moved behind your head, un-clasping it, moving the gem into your palm. You paused for a moment, looking down at it, unsure if you wanted to completely let go of it yet. Your brain got the best of you, convincing you that you didn’t need it on you, but didn’t quite want to leave it behind, tucking it into the change part of your wallet before you left the house. At least this way it was still somewhat within your vicinity for the day.

Before you’d even managed to make it to Hogan Place that morning you’d been called down to the 16^th precinct, at least you didn’t have any current cases going. You spent the first half of your day there, working through the evidence the squad had, listening in on interviews and the like until the perp’s lawyer showed up. After refusing a deal, you made your leave, finally able to head to your office, you started a fresh pot of coffee instantly, knowing you’d need it, you had a full day of research and planning in front of you. The case presented to you at least had some similarities to one that you recalled from a law journal you remembered reading your first couple of years with the D.A’s office. You pushed back from your desk, searching through the shelves of your office until you found where it should’ve been.

“For fucks sake..” you muttered, your hand plucking the post it note from the shelf. Of course the one thing you needed wasn’t actually in your office. You made a silent prayer that it wasn’t back at your apartment, although when you’d grabbed the journal for Casey, it had been the only one on the shelf. Sighing, you stepped back into your heels, over the last couple of months Casey had been moved into Alex’s old office. She had obviously been very against the idea, worried about what you would think, but you knew things had to move on, and you’d rather have someone you knew, and now, liked, take it rather than some stranger.

You gave a quick knock on her door as you tore into her office,

“Hey, I’m pretty sure there’s a journal stashed in here that I- oh fuck!Sorry!” You reeled around as you realized Casey was in the extended part of her office, bare in a bra and leggings. To be completely honest, your eyes dragged up her frame before you turned, gulping over how fucking gorgeous she was. You obviously already knew she was attractive, but suddenly seeing her half naked sparked a previously unrealized desire within you. Her quiet laugh broke you out of your thoughts,

“It’s fine.” She tugged her tank top on, “What’d’you need?”

“I need a law journal that I think is stashed in here. You mind if I take a look around?”

“Course not.” Casey replied as she moved to pull on a sweater, you noticed the melancholy seeping from her eyes.

“You okay?” Your voice was suddenly a million times softer as you stepped towards her, the embarrassment of walking in on her changing suddenly vanishing.

“Yeah.” She brushed it off, avoiding your eye.

“Case….” You warned, “don’t lie to me.”

“My witness disappeared.”

“The cousin? In that Montreal case?”

“Yeah…” she sighed heavily, “we thought we had him in a secure location but it’s looking like someone leaked it…” Casey took a deep breath, trying to control her emotions, she’d already let too many out today, “I’m worried the other boys got to him…I said everything would be okay…” You were absolutely shocked when her eyes glanced up to yours and were brimming with tears.

“Casey… you can’t blame yourself okay? Those boys are garbage, whatever ends up happening, they’re going to slip up, you’ll catch them, I know you will.”

“I know…I just…wish I could’ve protected Jason.”

“I know.” You tugged her into a hug, surprising yourself with the level of intimacy you were showing, but honestly, you’d been there before, and you needed Casey to know she wasn’t to blame. Shit was going to hit the fan no matter what. “It’s not your fault.” You murmured against her shoulder, squeezing her tightly before you pulled away.

“Thanks.” She gave a watery smile and a shaky sigh.

“You burning it off at the gym?” You asked, taking in her attire.

“Batting cages.” She replied, “figured it’s the closest I can get to beating something without actually beating it.” You laughed,

“Makes sense.” You gave her a warm smile, squeezing her hand, “you let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Course.” She smiled softly, “thank you…you’ve been a real help getting used to this, I hope you know that.” You nearly blushed, giving her a soft smile, “what were you looking for?”

“Oh…uh…a 2002 journal? It wasn’t in my office and I haven’t seen it at the apartment.”

“Oh, yeah, make yourself at home.” The redhead nodded toward her office as she grabbed her bag, “I’ll see you later.” Despite being in a not great place emotionally she still managed to shoot you a glittering smile as she left the office.

You let out a huff of a breath, trying to calm yourself down, turning to the shelves of books. You had to get it together. There were too many pretty lawyers in this city, you couldn’t possibly fall for all of them.

*

It was a few weeks later, Casey was stuck in court, Buchanan being a complete dick over literally everything, leaving you and Sonya out on lunch just the two of you. Not that it was an issue, you obviously loved Sonya, and your time together was as hilarious as it was cherished. And you knew she needed some support, she’d finally caught up on a case she had been chasing for twenty five years, the vic’s sister now running one of those ‘to catch a predator’ type shows. There had been a fair amount of controversy over the case and they were slowly closing in on tracking down the actual perp.

The first half of lunch Sonya shot idea after idea at you, it was honestly weird to see her being the one with the legal pad at the table. You knew she was hellbent on solving this case, and had been for years, so you let her do her thing.  You voiced your opinion whenever she stalled, reminding her of the reality of the situation and the like. Eventually your entrées arrived and she suddenly turned her attention towards you.

“I’m so sorry.” She shook her head, “this case just means so much to me.”

“I know how it is.” You gave her a soft smile,

“How’re you? You’ve been kind of weird recently.”

“What?” You laughed, “how?”

“You’ve been all flustered and weird this week.” She took a bite of her food as you busied yourself in taking a large gulp of the wine you were suddenlyverythankful of ordering, your cheeks flushing. “Oh…my GOD! It’s a girl!”

“What!? No! Sonya, come on!” You protested, unable to meet her eyes.

“Kid…look at me..” her hand grasped yours, pulling your attention to her face, “I know you better than basically anyone on earth…it’s a girl right?”

“Yeah…” you sighed heavily, stabbing at your food, “I…didn’t realize it at first, but…I might have a bit of a crush…”

“Well Novak’s stunning, so honestly I’m not surprised.”

“What!? Sonya! No!”

“Oh please!” She rolled her eyes, “I watched you fall in love with Cabot. You stare at Casey with that same dopey look on your face. Go for it! You know Alex would want you to be happy, and if it can’t be her, it can at least be another super pretty prosecutor. Hell, I want you to be happy, you two already get along so well, and I’ve definitely seen her staring at you when you’re not looking. Take a chance, ask her out.”

“Oh my god Sonya.” You rolled your eyes, ever so thankful when your phone pinged, you were needed down at SVU. “I’ve gotta run.”

“I’ve got this.” Sonya gestured to the food, “as long as you promise you’ve got Novak.”

“Oh my GOD!” You laughed, calling over your shoulder as you dashed from the restaurant. You had no idea how to even think about reacting yet. You’d barely realized you might have feelings for Casey, this whole ballpark was still pretty new to you, who knew what was going to happen? At least you had Sonya’s words echoing in your head as you headed toward the precinct.

*

You spent what felt like, and what was, hours going through a case at the 16^th with Fin and Munch, you questioned the perp, you watched the detectives question the perp and you spent far too long watching the two of them piecing together the case. Throughout the afternoon you’d shot a couple of texts off to the group chat between you and the other SVU lawyers, hoping for a meet up later after all of this bullshit. You were finally done, waiting for the elevator when Stabler’s voice rang through the hallway,

“Counsellor!” You did your best not to roll your eyes as you turned to him,

“Can I help you detective?”

“Do you have any idea where Paxton is?”

“At a meeting…why?”

“We need to get to her. Now.” Liv interrupted, “do you know where?”

“I uh..I can’t remember the name, but if I come with I can guide you there.”

“Good enough!” Elliot practically tossed you into the car and your heart suddenly started to beat a million miles a minute. You knew whatever Sonya was dealing with at the moment wasn’t easy, and if SVU was this concerned, something wasn’t right.

You pulled up to the church where Sonya’s usual AA meetings were held, the three of you moving with ease throughout the building, though you did let the other two take the lead. They began to talk to the group, gaining responses only about how it was supposed to be anonymous. You glanced down the hallway, the bathroom was only a few feet down, and if Sonya wasn’t in the meeting room, maybe she was there.

As much as you’d expected and hoped to find her in the bathroom, you had never imagined you’d find Sonya on the floor of the bathroom in a pool of blood her hands clutching at her throat at she gasped to breathe.

“I need a bus!!!” Your voice screamed through the room, diving down next to her body, your hands taking over the pressure against her neck, “you’re gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay..” you felt your eyes blur up with tears. No…there was no way you could handle losing a second part of the big three, she was going to be fine, you had to think it into existence. “Sonya, please, please…stay with me, stay with me..we’ve got you.”

You felt Olivia’s presence at your back, her voice shouting into her phone. What you didn’t feel was the slowing of Sonya’s heartbeat against your fingers, her pulse slowly dissipating as she slipped away, the tears that burned in your eyes. You barely remembered the screaming and crying, fighting against Elliot’s arms as he pulled you away, as Sonya’s body was lowered into the morgue’s car, unable to watch the coroner zip the sleeve over her face. This couldn’t possibly be happening. It had to be some kind of bad dream, how were you supposed to deal with losing two of the greatest people in your life. It was like the world was trying to play some cruel fucking joke on you. And you..you weren’t laughing.

*

Casey had had a shit day, she’d spent it with Cragen and a few uni’s while scouring over locations that the boys from the Montreal case may have dumped the vic’s body, and thus, Jason’s. With no star witness, they’d had to drop all the charges pertaining to the original vic, with Jason having not turned up, and statements from a court officer, it was basically confirmed that he was dead. Casey was wrought with guilt over, feeling the bile pooling in her stomach at the sight of Jason’s body being pulled from the river. The only upside was at least now they could arrest the boys for that murder.

She’d gotten home later than she’d planned, heading straight for the scotch while she browsed through a take out menu for dinner, not having the energy left to cook. After ordering her eyes landed on the group chat in her messages, she knew Sonya was at a meeting, but heavily debating calling you. It was one of those nights where she wasn’t sure if company would make things better, or a time where she just would rather be alone.

Her food arrived, she picked at it scarcely, consuming more liquor than nutrients, letting her brain turn to mush over the mindless television show in front of her. She was surprised when there was a soft knock at the door, it was so quiet she nearly missed it, too deep in her own grief to realize it wasn’t coming from the t.v.

The moment she swung open the door she was wrenched out of her dazed state, her eyes widening as she realized your shirt was soaked with blood,

“Oh my God, y/n! What the fuck happened?! We need to get you to a doctor.”

“It’s not mine…” you choked out through a sob. Casey felt her own heart constricting at the uttermost sorrow pouring from you, she pulled you into her arms, kicking the door shut behind you. You easily fell into her embrace, there were barely any tears left by now, your body shaking with silent sobs. Casey’s hand cupped the back of your head, soothingly playing with your hair as she held you tight.

“What happened?” She murmured softly.

“Bastard got Sonya.” Your words were muffled against her sweater, another small cry coming from your lips as Casey pulled her head back far enough to see your face.

“What?!”

“He tracked her down…” you wiped at your face with the sleeve of your shirt, “we were too late…she bled out..”

“Oh my God…I am so sorry.” Your eyes slowly darted around the apartment, noticing the forgotten takeout, the half drank bottle of scotch, moving up to Casey’s face you could see the puffiness and red rim of her eyes, realizing she had been crying and you suddenly felt like you were intruding.

“Fuck..” you muttered, “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have just shown up like this, I just…had nowhere else to go. I’ll..get out of your hair.” Turning away you moved for the door, your shoulders slumping at the thought of returning to your cold empty apartment. No matter how shit of a day Casey had had, she wasn’t about to let you wander off alone right now, gently grasping at your hand and pulling you back.

“I said my door was always open, office or apartment, and I meant it.” You gave her a tight smile, “besides, you’re covered in blood, I can’t let you wander the streets of New York like that. C’mon, I’ll get you something to change into.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” She gave your arm a squeeze, leading you down the hallway “feel free to shower, help yourself to whatever you need.” She pulled some comfy looking clothes out of her closet, handing them to you, “take all the time you want. I’ll be in the living room ready and waiting with a fresh glass of scotch.”

“Thanks..” you murmured, somewhat blown away by her instant hospitality, unsure of how to handle it all. She gave you another soft squeeze before leaving the room, a quick smile over her shoulder to reassure you. She was relieved when she heard the water begin to run. It didn’t matter what the situation was, but if she was stressed, or having a rough day, things always seemed to feel better after a shower an she hoped it would at least start to help you.

You didn’t take long, opting to pull your hair up into a bun to avoid getting it wet while you scrubbed away the remaining blood, the grime and emotions of the day swirling down the drain. Wiping off what remnants of your make up had managed to stay on your face, you tugged on the borrowed clothes, thankful that Casey had such comfortable and warm attire.

Out in the living room Casey had grabbed a second glass for scotch, and brought out the fluffiest of blankets she could find, tossing it over the back of the couch. She glanced up when you appeared in the room,

“Feel any better?”

“Much, actually.” You replied, crossing to the couch. You dropped down beside her and immediately pulled the blanket around your body, without even thinking you softly fell against Casey, and her arm instantly wrapped around you. The room stayed silent for a few moments before you spoke again, your brain a little more clear than when you’d first showed up, “were you crying before I got here?”

“What?” Casey’s head tilted slightly to meet your gaze.

“Your eyes were all red…It just..looked kinda like you were crying.” You shrugged.

“They pulled Jason’s body out of the river today…”

“Oh fuck, Casey I’m so sorry. And here I am acting like it’s my life that’s destroyed.”

“Hey..” her hand moved softly to your hair, “you just saw one of your best friends die, I had a case take a nose dive, they’re not exactly the same.” You sighed, turning your head back to the t.v.

“Yeah but I should’ve at least tried to listen, let you talk it out.”

“You’re listening now.” A few more moments of comfortable silence enveloped the two of you, you hummed as her hand moved soothingly through your hair.

“Casey?”

“Yeah.”

“Please don’t die on me…you’re all I’ve got now…”

Her heart clenched at your words, she knew what you’d been through, what you were going through, and all she wanted was to help and be there for you. You’d easily been able to lean on each other over the past few months, and she’d found herself almost falling, rather than leaning.

“I’m not going anywhere.” She murmured softly, letting you snuggle deeper against her as you fell silent again.

Hidden Desires Ch 16

Warnings: Language. Mention of SVU related work
Taglist:@charabs@bisexualcrowley@emilyprentisswife@detective-giggles@natasha-danvers@stardust-fray@ineedafinghug@veteranwerewolf95@haruren30@billiedeannovak​@stardust-galaxies​ @laurenhope13 @vivis-ghost-wife​@beccabarba​@imlike-so-gaydude​@mspetey​@wannabe-fic-reader​@sarcasticmami​@rwbyfan16​@gaylorrds​@infiniteoddball​@delphineecormierr​

It was only a few days later that Sonya was finished with rehab, back living her real life, in a much healthier way. She’d continued on with her AA meetings, and you finally had each other to properly lean on. It had been advised that she take a couple more weeks off work, adjusting back into society was hard enough to keep things in control without having the added pressure of working in sex crimes. You usually spent your lunch hours with her, and despite her protests that it was fine if you drank, you still stuck to club soda instead.

Having her regular presence back in your life was helping even more than you thought it would right off the bat. You were able to talk things through, grieve properly, together, and help each other through it. You were starting to realize that while you may never get over how you lost Alex, there was light at the end of the tunnel, there would be something to look forward to, someone to look forward to. Sonya reminded you that just because it would probably feel like they were replacing Alex, didn’t mean they were, that you were allowed to reserve a piece of your heart for Alex and love someone else.

Back at Hogan Place you were working through a set of new set of opening arguments and were stuck, the words just couldn’t get down on paper in the right order. You began to read them out loud, muttering into the office, you paused with a sigh, looking down at the succulent sitting on your desk. You weren’t sure who, or when, but someone had stuck a pair of googly eyes on it and you’d never bothered taking them off.

“You’re right…this is fucking garbage.” Groaning you dropped your head onto your desk, “Who am I kidding?! I’m talking to a plant!”

Maybe coffee could help? Maybe a change of scenery or a little break would help get your brain going again. You packed up what you needed and had the elevator button pressed when you had a sudden change of plan, using the stairs to jog down one floor.

“Hey…” you greeted with a soft knock, “I-uh..weird question?” Casey glanced up, seeing you lingering in the doorway.

“Why’re you nervous?”

“What?” You paused, head tilting at her question.

“You play with your necklace…” she gestured, “whenever you’re nervous or overthinking something.”

“Oh…” your hand stalled, you glanced down at the small gem, a small pout on your lip as you dropped the jewel, “I..didn’t even realize…”

“What did you need?”

“What?”

“You said you had a weird question?”

“Oh, right. Uhm…can I..work in your office?”

“You want my office? Yours is so much better.”

“No,” you laughed, “I just wanna like..work…” you gestured with the files in your hand toward the coffee table, “I promise I won’t bother you. It’s just like..my brain doesn’t want to work without Alex & Sonya bickering, or like…without someone else in the room? I mean I was just having a conversation with a cactus.”

“Really? What’d it have to say?” Casey teased,  “make yourself at home.”

“Thanks.” With a small smile on your cheeks you stepped into the room, settling into the couch, “and the cactus made a terrible character witness.”

Casey let out a burst of a laugh at that, the smile evident on her face as she shook her head at you, returning the warm smile on your cheeks as you turned back to your work. She could tell that you were on the mend, maybe it was just the welcoming attitude toward her now, but there was a light glow you let off that had been missing when she first met you. You were returning to the human you’d been before tragedy struck, rather than just a shell of a person, stuck in mourning and not knowing how to deal with anything. She had to admit, she liked this version of you a hell of a lot better, and was thankful that you were sharing it with her.

A new level was achieved that day, moving from work acquaintances up a notch to the beginning of a friendship. You began to pop up in her office on a more regular basis, she’d found you there one day when she returned from arraignment, joking that that cactus must be horribly company if you were avoiding it. You laughed, and Casey mentioned that she was more than able to come to your office, where there was more space and a higher table, you wouldn’t have to hunch over her coffee table for hours on end.

You were surprised to find her outside your office the next morning, fancy coffee in hand for you to start the day with, you were more surprised when the two of you fell into the pattern you’d had with the previous team, you were nearly always in each other’s offices (much to the annoyance and dismay of Donnelly, who cursed you, thinking that this was something of the past). You were comfortable with each other, easily shooting off ideas or questions, more than willing to help each other with cases when you needed. It may have been a rocky start, but SVU was beginning to work like a well oiled machine again.

Casey felt especially privileged when you started to share little stories of your time with Alex, she knew it was a touchy subject, and considering how you’d reacted on her first day, she usually strayed away from the topic. It started with little mentions, off hand comments about something she’d done in a case, or a favourite food, moving into more detailed stories once in a while, but everytime you spoke of her, you subconsciously ended up playing with the gem around your neck. You found it healing, being able to actually talk about her, and to someone who had never known her, it wasn’t like you were retelling stories to Sonya that she’d been witness to or heard a million times. It was refreshing to get to laugh over them, it helped you start to close up some of the metaphorical wounds, rebuilding the human that you were. You began to realize just how grateful you were for Casey, glad that she didn’t hate you after that horrible first interaction. Turns out forgiveness was a pretty important trait.

*

Casey had just finished up a morning in court, the defence had called for a cotinuance for the following day, so she was free to do what she pleased. She knew you just had a day of paperwork in the office, so she figured she’d swing by to see if you wanted company. The door to your office was halfway open so she didn’t bother knocking,

“You getting along with that cactus or you want a distraction?” She teased, eyes swooping past the other body in the room, “oh God, sorry. I didn’t realize you were in a meeting.” She started to back out of the room but stalled at your snort of a laugh,

“A meeting? With her? More like a chaotic filled gossip session while I’m trying to work.”Sonya hucked a pen at you…some things would never change… “this is Sonya. Sonya, Casey.” You gestured between them as they exchanged greetings and a quick handshake.

“I hear you get fiesty.” Sonya turned to Casey, “what a way to celebrate your first day.” The pen she’d hucked at you came flying back,

“Be nice!” You chastised.

“Oh that’s bold coming from you!” Sonya teased back, “God, to think we were so nice to you when you started.”

“Nice?! The two of you pranked me into getting into a three hour lecture about conspiracies with Munch! It took six months for him to finally find out I wasn’t interested in getting chain emails and everytime I came into the precinct he had some new wild theory for me that would push back my case by a day!”

“At least we never told you to fuck off.”

“No, you just say that on a daily basis now.” You turned your attention back to Casey, “are you on lunch?”

“Continuance.” She replied, “Cassandra didn’t show at the sentencing hearing. Benson got a call on the way out of the courthouse…she’d been hit by a car.”

“Oh Jesus! Was it related to the case?”

“Fin’s tracking down video now.”

“What’s the case?” Sonya asked.

“Manslaughter. Two teen boys were stage fighting with real weapons, the one doing the beating hit the femoral artery, kid bled out in minutes.”

“That’s rough.” The bruenette replied,

“Oh it gets better.” Casey half laughed, “as it turned out, they’d both been dating the same girl. The vic briefly broke up with Cassandra and she ended up sleeping with the other kid. Then, she tells me they just had a science class where they conveniently learnt about the femoral artery.”

“Motive and intent.” Sonya mused, “but there’s double jeapordy.”

“Exactly.” The redhead replied, “but that’s not the end of it.”

“Oh?” You dropped your elbows down onto the desk, now fully interested. Casey had obviously kept you updated on the case, it had already been one bomb after the other, and if there was more to it now, you definitely wanted to know.

“Liv called from the hospital…Cassandra’s twenty-eight.”

“Are you fucking with me?” Casey shrugged,

“For now that’s all I know, but she was definitely attending high school and enrolled in foster care ten years longer than she should’ve been.”

“Not to mention the whole sleeping with sixteen year olds!”

“Good luck with that.” Sonya chuckled, “nice to know things really haven’t changed.” She checked her watch quickly, looking up at you “what’d’ya say to lunch?”

“Always.” You flipped the file in front of you closed, picking up your phone and wallet. You briefly caught the wave of hesitancy coming from Casey, but Sonya spoke from the doorway before you managed to.

“You comin’ Novak?”

“I..really?” She slowly stood.

“Course.” You smiled, “can’t leave you here by yourself, that cactus is terriblecompany.”

Warnings: Language. Talk of alcohol abuse (kinda)
Taglist:@charabs@bisexualcrowley​@emilyprentisswife​@detective-giggles​@natasha-danvers​@stardust-fray​@ineedafinghug​@veteranwerewolf95​ @haruren30 @billiedeannovak​@stardust-galaxies​ @laurenhope13  @vivis-ghost-wife​@beccabarba​@imlike-so-gaydude​@mspetey​@wannabe-fic-reader​@sarcasticmami​@rwbyfan16​@gaylorrds​@infiniteoddball​@delphineecormierr​

*

Over the next couple of weeks you started to feel more comfortable having Casey around at the office. True, she did stick to working in her own office, and usually kept to herself, but she knew she at least had a work acquaintance in you and wasn’t as shy coming to you with questions anymore. You did your best to keep her on the easier cases, at least the more emotionally easy ones, but she quietly assured you one night in your office that she could handle it, and that maybe you should be the one taking a little break from ones like that. She’d hesitated of course, ready for you to launch into it about how you were fine, but instead you simply sighed, giving her a weak smile and saying she was right.

She knew she was officially in the clear of being hated by you when she started to get into it with Benson and Stabler over a case at the precinct, only to be interrupted by a loud ‘hey!’ from you. Before you tore a literal strip off the two of them, reminding them that they needed to do their jobs before either of you could do yours. Casey was honestly impressed with how quickly they backed down, specifically Stabler, God he even actually apologized to you before you went off to your own interrogation room. She overheard you on your way out warning Cragen that if he didn’t want another phone call from Donnelly that he’d keep his squad in line and she couldn’t help the small smile. It was nice knowing at least someone had her back, even if they didn’t totally trust her yet.

You were finally starting to feel like maybe you were about back to being yourself again. Truthfully, you’d never be the same self you were when Alex was around, you grew and changed with life experience, but you were starting to feel somewhat normal again. Not that waves of grief didn’t find you, especially on those cold late nights when sleep seemed to be avoiding you like no tomorrow. You’d gone to a couple of therapy sessions, and now on those late nights you found yourself usually writing, either journaling or letters to Alex, as if she was on vacation and would eventually return.

Today, you were packing up early for an extended lunch, you’d done an arriagnment already that morning, and had mentioned to Cragen to forward any cases to Novak for the rest of the afternoon, but if anything came up overnight you’d take it.

*

You let out a shaky breath, rocking on your heels outside Garden Heights. Sonya hadn’t been allowed any contact with anyone outside for the first month, appointments had to be set up now for visiting hours, and you were honestly terrified at how she might react, only knowing she had a visitor and not who it was. (Though honestly, she knew it was you, at this point who else could it be?) Finally biting the bullet you jogged up the stairs and checked in, locking your belongings in a provided locker before you were escorted to the visiting room. You let out a breath when you took it in, the common area looked similar to a backpacking hostel, colourful, lived in, and welcoming, not like a goddamn jail like you’d worried.

“Knew it had to be you.” Sonya smiled, standing from the table.

“You’re..not mad?” You nearly cringed, she let out a small laugh,

“Not anymore…no. Get over here.” You practically sunk into her arms, feeling a rush of emotions that you weren’t expecting as her arms wrapped around you. You couldn’t remember the last time Sonya had hugged you, God it was probably your first year working with her, your first loss in the courtroom. You waited for her to take the lead before you retreated, dropping into the cushy chair at the table.

“How are you?”

“A hell of a lot better than I thought I’d be.” She replied, a soft smile on her cheeks, “I…need to thank you, I hope you know that.”

“You sure about that?” You winced.

“Yeah.” She huffed, “a lot of the people in here, there a hell of a lot worse off than I was. Things could’ve been a lot worse if I’d kept drinking.”

“Who are you and what’ve you done with Sonya Paxton?” You teased, pulling a laugh from her.

“I know, I know, out of character. But part of the whole…rehabilitation thing is the whole, forgiving and apologizing crap, so…I thank you for saving my ass, I only hope my reputation isn’t completely ruined and I can come back to work when this is done.”

“Well..considering the office thinks you’re in Florida taking care of a sick Aunt, I think you’re in the clear.”

“But…Donnelly…”

“She’s kinda given the department a bit of slack all things considered…”

“You doin’ okay?” Sonya hadn’t necessarily wanted to bring it up, knowing how hard it was on both of you, but she also knew that you always tried to be the strongest person, and that if you were pushed too hard, you’d break even harder than everyone around you. And the last thing she wanted was you falling victim to something worse than she did.

“Uh…yeah…” you let out a heavy breath, “I mean…every day is a challenge, but…I’ll get through it. I miss her..a fucking hell of a lot, but..she’s gone. And I need to accept that. I think it’s kinda helping that they finally got a new A.D.A, having someone else in the department, not to mention the workload..”

“How’re they doing?”  Sonya’s question pulled a laugh from you.

“Well her first day she referred to Alex as ‘some dead girl’ and I proceeded to yell at her and tell her to go fuck herself..so..there’s your drama update.”

“You’re kidding me?!” She nearly howled with laughter, “I bet Donnelly loved that.” You grimaced,

“I would’ve been in a lot more trouble if I wasn’t the only prosecutor she had. But honestly, Novak and I were both on short fuses, we’d both had shitty days and said things neither of us should’ve said.”

“So what, you’re best friends now?” You laughed,

“No. But she’s not bad. She’s trying, she’s been good at her job so far, seems to be settling in pretty well.” You pulled a hand up from the chair, sliding a notebook across the table, “besides, enough about actual work! This is full of all the gossip in the office since you’ve been gone..and you better fucking appreciate it cause it’s hand written.” Sonya laughed, flipping through a couple of pages.

“This is amazing, thank you.”

“Yeah well…I was gonna bring you your oh so loved chickory coffee but I figured they wouldn’t let me bring any food or drink in here.”

“You’re right on that.” The older woman smiled, pausing slightly as she looked across at you, “you sure you’re okay? You look exhausted.” You rolled your eyes,

“Sleeping’s hard…” you admitted, “I kinda wish we’d never lived together, would make being at home easier. I’ve just been working a lot.”

“Well take some time for yourself kid…you deserve it. You need it. I know how much Alex meant to you, how much you meant to her, the two of you were the happiest I’d ever seen either of you the entire time you knew each other.”

“Yeah…” you picked at the hem of your blazer to distract yourself.

“But that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to be happy again, you realize that right?”

“They really are pumping you full of therapy here aren’t they?” You joked. Sonya snorted, smacking your arm with the notebook.

“It’s for the better. But I mean it. Alex was one of your big loves, but there’s another one out there for you, trust me.” Her hand squeezed at yours, “don’t be afraid to go searching for it, and don’t be afraid to let yourself fall again. Alex would only want you to be happy, that’s all she ever wanted, I heard enough of it to know.”

“Please.” You laughed watery.

“I mean it, even if it was the jealousy talking, she always said she was happy you were getting out there on all those dates. And that goofy smile she got everytime she talked about you once you two idiots finally got together? She loved you more than anything, and someone like that isn’t going to want you sulking over her forever, she’s going to want you to get back out there and find someone to make you as happy as you made her.”

“I’m starting to feel like sober Sonya is Ghandi or something.” You laughed and she smacked your arm again.

“What can I say, my head’s finally clear.” Her watch beeped a few times and she sighed, pushing up from the table, “my time is up.” You followed her lead,

“It was really great to see you Sonya. Honestly, I can’t wait ‘til you’re back at work.”

“Awe kid..you say that now.” She pulled you into another hug, “I know I don’t say this enough, and maybe it’s the rehab talking, but I love you. Take care of yourself.”

“I will.” You murmured, “love you too.”

As you pulled away you gave her a soft smile, a little wave as she left the room. You gave a heavy sigh, she seemed to be doing incredible, and she wanted you to be doing just as amazing, and most importantly she didn’t hate you. You breathed out the negative thoughts you’d walked into today with, giving the receptionist a small smile as she passed you back your things.

Despite it being late fall, the weather wasn’t too bad, and you opted to walk back to the office, it was further than you normally would, but you knew the fresh air and exercise would probably help, even if you were in heels. You were thankful you only had to pick up your work bag and a few files before you could head home, pushing open the door to your office. It was when you noticed a body inside that you jumped,

“Jesus!”

Casey whipped around, an immediate world of worry written on her face,

“I’m so sorry! I was looking for a law journal..you weren’t answering your phone.”

“It’s fine..” you dropped your stuff onto the couch, “I’m just not used to finding people in my office anymore.”

“Oh…fuck…” she muttered, “I’m sorry…I..should’ve realized—“

“I said it’s fine. Besides, my phone was turned off. I forgot to turn it back on, they made me turn it off.”

“Rikers?” She asked.

“No…I went to see Sonya.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah…” you smiled softly, “what’re you looking for?”

“Uh, People v. Rasmussen. 2001?” She asked. You nodded, ducking towards one of the shelves you barely used. You noted the small post it stuck right above where the book should have been, the small heart drawn on it and you let out a groan.

“Fuck..” you muttered.

“Everything okay?” Casey softly asked. You plucked the post it from the shelf as you stood, turning back to her with it on display.

“Alex stole it. It’s either in her office or at the apartment.” You sighed, “she used to do this whenever she took something when I was in court, so I’d know she had it and I wasn’t crazy that it just went missing.”

“Oh. I can-“

“No.” You shook your head, “are you done with actual office stuff for the day?”

“Yeah.”

“K, grab whatever you need from your office. I’ll check Alex’s for the book, meet me down there?”

“‘Course.” The redhead nodded and both gathered your things, leaving your office.

As it turned out, Alex hadn’t stashed the book anywhere in her office. Casey had let out a weary sigh and you encouraged her that it had to be at your apartment, but if she was going to drag you out of work she was paying for take out, you hadn’t eaten since breakfast and she was cutting into your eating time. She laughed, but agreed, welcoming the fact that you were welcoming her into your life outside of Hogan place.

Your favourite take out place was right across from your apartment and Casey was more than okay with a working dinner. You told her to make herself at home at the kitchen island as you dumped your things into a spare chair. She started to dole out food onto a couple of plates while you darted into the living room, ducking to the shelf Alex usually stashed things from the office. Sure enough, it was lodged between one of her old Harvard textbooks and the case file of your very first conviction. You plucked it from the shelf, sliding it across the island to Casey before you offered her a glass of wine that she gratefully accepted.

You asked about the case as you tucked into the meal and she offered up as much as she could. It was still in the early stages, but she noticed the resemblance to a case she’d read about a few years back but wasn’t sure on the technicalities. Over the next couple of hours you helped her make sense of everything, looking over the detectives notes and forms. You pointed out things here and there that meant they were lacking info, or what exactly the strange short hand meant, and you shot her a few learning style questions that you were pleasantly surprised when she got them right off the bat.

By the end of the evening the vibe was relaxed and both of you were incredibly thankful for it, having feeling like you were finally moving into maybe being able to be friends. Casey started packing up the paperwork when she noticed the time, leading you to pack up the leftover takeout. You offered for her to take some of it but she denied with a small smile, heading to the door. She thanked you for your help and you could tell that she truly meant it. Maybe it was Sonya’s whole repenting attitude from earlier rubbing off on you, but you were beginning to feel like you could after all, get used to a new face in the department, and that maybe you weren’t going to have to automatically hate her, giving her a warm smile and soft good night as she turned down the hallway to the elevator.

Warnings: Language.
Taglist:@charabs​@bisexualcrowley​@emilyprentisswife​@detective-giggles​@natasha-danvers​@stardust-fray​@ineedafinghug​@veteranwerewolf95​ @haruren30 @billiedeannovak​@stardust-galaxies​ @larenhope13 @vivis-ghost-wife​@beccabarba​@imlike-so-gaydude​@wannabe-fic-reader​@sarcasticmami​@lawandorderimagines​@gaylorrds​@mspetey​@rwbyfan16​@infiniteoddball​@delphineecormierr​

*

The following week you were just around the corner from Hogan Place briefly stopping for coffee when you got a text from Liz saying she needed to see you before you headed into court. Sighing, figuring you knew what this was about, you added a second latte to your order before dropping off what you didn’t need in your office.

“How much trouble am I in?” You cut to the point as you stepped through Elizabeth’s doorway.

“A good morning would be nice.” She replied, pausing in her work as you rolled your eyes, placing the coffee down in front of her.

“Good morning.” You perched yourself on one of the chairs in front of her, “can I do anything for you today?”

“You can learn how to play nice.”

“So this is about Novak.” Elizabeth eyed you over her coffee,

“Have you done something else this week that I should be concerned about?”

“Probably…”

“Well let’s start with trying notto tell brand new prosecturers to the department to go fuck themselves on their first day of work.”

“Okay but—“ She held up a finger and it shut you down instantly. You knew you probably had it coming but Donnelly was usually fair in her rulings.

“She wanted to lodge a formal complaint.” A pause for coffee, or dramatic affect, dealer’s choice, “I told her I’d talk to you about it. From what it sounds like both of you were incredibly out of line, and I’ve already had a phone call with Cragen I’d rather not have to make again to address his squad. I understand she thinks you threw her to the wolves with that warrant?”

“That wasn’t on purpose. I needed the warrant at the scene, I hadn’t had time to look over the case yet and knew if the paper wasn’t on the scene those two would probably dig up something more that wouldn’t stand up in court. I was just trying to save a headache further down the road. Honest.”

“I also understand she said something about Alex that may have struck a nerve?” She cocked a brow at you and you sighed.

“Yes, that’s where the fuck you came in…and the yelling…but to be fair she did start the yelling first.”

“You can’t just tell people to fuck off whenever they bring up Alex, I know you’re hurting but you’ll end up burning a lot of bridges that way.” You brow scrunched as you glanced up at the older woman, realizing Casey hadn’t been one hundred percent honest with her wording.

“She said she just mentioned Alex?” A small nod, causing you to scoff, “she said and I quote; ‘you can’t all hate me just because I’m not some dead girl’. So yeah…that struck a nerve. Whether or not she knew the details it wasn’t something okay to say.”

“Well Casey knows that now.” Liz sighed, “she understands she crossed a line, and intends to make sure she doesn’t toe said line again.” She folded her arms on the desk in front of her, “she may be green to sex crimes, but she’s what this department needs right now, and she did save that little girl.”

“I know…” you took another sip of your drink, “so how long am I out for?” You were surprised when Liz let out a laugh.

“I can’t bench you right now! To be completely honest, I’m not even mad, just a little disappointed!”

“Oh come on Liz! You know that’s worse!” You shook your head at the gleam in her eye.

“The two of you need to sit down and apologize to each other, put whatever differences you have aside and play nice from now on.”

“You sound like my Mother.”

“What can I say, you’re the only kids I have.” She smirked, “which is why I’m worried about you.”

“Liz…I’m fine..well..I will be.” You distracted yourself picking at the rim of your coffee cup.

“Do you know why Branch and I agreed that Casey’s a good fit for SVU, and why she needs to stay on?” You glanced up at her, a brow raised, “she’s passionate, and she’s got heart…”

“You always said that was my thing…”

“You, Alex and Sonya were a fucking well oiled machine working together. It absolutely amazed me. It didn’t matter who the detectives called, you knew which one of the three of you would be best for the case and would swap things around to make it work best to get a conviction and justice for those victims. And then you worked together to help each other see a side of the case you might’ve missed. If the squad was being abrasive, you sent in Paxton with her no nonesense bullshit, Alex took the ones that needed an emotionless prosecutor who could take the blame if something happened during investigation, and you were the one who took everything involving a child, and the most live victims. You were the heart of the machine. But I think spending so much time with Alex, your ideals started to bleed into each other, she got softer, you started to toughen up. And in the past month, all I’ve seen from you is little tendencies and behaviours of Alex shining through. I don’t want you to end up as jaded as me down the road, and I certainly don’t want to see you make any kids cry on the stand.”

“Even if they’re an accomplice to murder?” You teased back, a small smile on your face.

“Even then.” She softly smiled at you before an alarm on your phone buzzed.

“Duty calls.” You sighed, standing from the chair as you gathered your things. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet, something like this happens again and I will bench you and I won’t be happy if I’ve got to do your job on top of mine.”

“Noted.”

“Now go channel your inner Cabot and make Reynolds cry on the stand.”

“I’ll do my best.” You let out a light laugh before giving her a nod of departing, darting across the street to the courthouse.

As it turned out, your day in court went a lot better than you’d expected after getting verbally reprimanded first thing in the morning. It had been a bit of a tricky case, you were thankful at least that it was lead by Munch and Fin, able to avoid the so called dynamic duo in the meantime. You easily led them both through their testimonies, Granger did his best to try and swing them off their game, but they didn’t vary from their statements or get riled up. It made your job one hell of a lot easier.

Reynolds took the stand after lunch, Granger painting him as a saint, but slipping up at one point in his questioning. It had you quietly scrambling through your paperwork as you prayed that you hadn’t mixed up your cases, if you were right, Reynolds had just dug himself a whole he definitely wouldn’t have been able to get out of.

As it turned out, you were able to comply with Donnelly’s wishes, channeling your inner Alex with this new connection of information you had the bastard in tears on the stand. A feat you’d accomplished for the first time.

Munch and Fin congratulated you once the jury had left to deliberate, offering to buy you a drink or two. You politely declined, not wanting to curse the verdict before it came in, and knowing you had a still relatively fresh case you needed to crack into back at the office.

**

It was late, entirely too late. The clock nearly passing midnight, Hogan Place was long deserted, but Casey had been utterly determined to prove herself on her new cases that she was willing to sacrifice her sleep. She’d only packed up her things when an old friend sent her a rather intoxicated text message, leading her to check the time, realizing how late it was, knowing she had an arraignment in the morning.

Making her way down the hallway she noticed a sliver of light escaping into the hall from an office door she’d previously never seen open. Slowing as she passed the door she realized why it had always been closed, the name ‘Alexandra Cabot’ monogrammed across the opaque window. She was about to move on, figuring it was had been left open by a cleaner or maintenance, when she heard a shudder of a breath and a sniffle coming from inside. Curiousity got the best of her, even though she didn’t really want to intrude, especially if her suspisions were right. She was on thin ice as it was. The softest of knocks on the door she pushed it open a fraction of an inch further, making sure to stay out of the office. You were sat on the couch, head in your hands, clearly upset.

“VanRiel?” Her voice broke through your foggy brain, wiping your face of any tears before you glanced up at her. The redhead stood so hesitantly in the doorway you nearly laughed as if she was prepping to get her head bitten off again.

“Novak? Why’re you here so late?”

“I could ask the same of you.” She replied, noticing the spread out case files on the coffee table, the scribbled out words on a legal pad, the bottle of scotch beside it. You sighed wearily,

“It’s stupid really…”

“I doubt it.” Casey leaned gently against the doorframe, still wanting to give you space.

“I got stuck on the Jeremy Brice case…I was on autopilot before I even realized where I was…and when I realized she wasn’t here…I couldn’t bring myself to leave. Like a part of me thinks if I just keep waiting she’ll walk through the door again like nothing ever happened.” Your hand reached out, taking a swig of scotch from your glass, “in a building surrounded by another hundred A.D.A’s and I’ve never felt more alone…” pausing slightly you hummed over the rim of your glass, “you remember when we were younger, some adult would make a comment about how the only friends they had were from work and how it would just seem absolutely ridiculous?” Casey nodded, “doesn’t seem so ridiculous anymore. Two people vanish from my life and it’s like I have no one to talk to anymore.”

“I feel that…”  You pulled your gaze away from the spot of nothing you were staring at, your glassy eyes actually meeting hers.

“You can come in y’know, I’m not gonna yell at you again. It’s not like I can afford two suspensions in one year.” Casey hesitated ever so lightly, but couldn’t help the huff of a laugh at your admission. “Grab a glass.” You nodded towards the shelf.

She obeyed, plucking one from the tray, dropping her bag into a spare chair before sitting on the couch. There was still a sizeable amount of space between you, the air of caution due to the only two in person interactions you’d managed to have both ending up with harsh words. If she’d needed anything from you, or you’d needed to pass a case off, you’d done it through texts or had one of the detectives do it for you. You tipped the bottle of amber liquid, filling her glass a few fingers, she muttered a soft ‘thanks’, a surprisingly calm silence briefly took over the office. It was as if Alex’s presence was still there, she always had her head on so straight, always knew what to do or say to calm you down, to get you thinking straight, realizing when you’d done wrong. Even before you started dating she was the one that was always able to pull you out of a spiral, able to admit your wrongdoings.

“I’m sorry.”You broke the silence, “I really am.” You risked a glance up at the other woman, “I never should’ve reacted like that, I never should have been so shut off when we first met. You were just trying to do your job. I know excuses don’t mean anything, but I was inches away from burning out before Alex…died. That’s why I threw the Zapata case to her. And afterwards…trying to keep it together for everyone around me…trying to make sure Sonya didn’t completely lose her job…I could barely sleep, eating took a back burner. I was scrambling to try and not lose cases, I offered way too many deals cause I didn’t have a fight left in me. It was wrong for me to come after you like that, you had no idea the circumstances, the history. If I had been open, or at least welcoming, maybe things would’ve made more sense. I just…didn’t want you to think I was weak, or vulnerable or anything.” You tried to brush away the fresh tears before Casey managed to see them but she did, and she fought the urge to give your hand a squeeze, or any reassuring touch, knowing how you’d reacted the last time.

“Your apology is beyond accepted.” She softly replied, “and I’m incredibly sorry too. I was way out of line, even with the knowledge I did have I never should have said what I did. And for what its worth

, excuses sometimes do matter. I was just trying to prove myself. I mean, all through this building you’d always hear incredible things about the SVU trio, how well you worked together, how high your conviction rates were. And considering the types of crimes you’re prosecuting, that’s damn impressive. You guys were tight knit, and it worked.”

“Yeah…and now one of them’s dead and I’m not sure if the other one will ever want to talk to me again.” You muttered, draining your glass. “Sorry,” you cast her a glance, “apology accepted.” Casey gave you a soft smile.

“You really think Paxton won’t talk to you?”

“She…holds grudges…a lot. One off chance bad day first meeting and she’ll hate you forever. I don’t think she’ll ever be nice to Stabler…”

“You technically did save her career though. And possibly her life.”

“I know…I’m just hoping she’ll be able to see past everything.” You sighed shakily, “I think that’s why this has been so fucking hard…I spent all my time with Alex and Sonya, they were all I ever talked to, all I ever hung out with. I thought Benson would at least be someone I could turn to but she’s been so distant since it happened and I don’t know why. I’ve had no one to talk to about everything but Donnelly and involving your boss in situations like this isn’t my first choice.”

“Well for what it’s worth, my door’s always open.”

“Thanks.” You did your best to give her a soft smile.

“Though it might help if I actually knew what your first name was.” Casey half teased.

“Oh GOD!” You dropped your face into your hands, “I am such a bitch! I’m sorry…” you looked up at her, “It’s Y/N.”

“Good to know.” She took a sip of scotch while you poured another small amount into your own glass.

“I just feel like I can’t let her go…not yet…she was my first real love. And I can’t stop thinking about how I should’ve done something different, how I could’ve helped, how I should’ve just kept the case and she’d still be alive. If I had done more…maybe I could have saved her.” Casey felt the wave of emotion wash over her, especially as she watched your eyes glass up as you stared into your scotch, busying yourself with swirling it before taking a swig. She gave you a moment, waiting to see if you were going to continue before her voice quietly broke through the office.

“If it helps…I know exactly how you feel.” You looked up at her, confusion taking over your face at the sudden glistening in her eyes.

“In white collar? Really?” She gave a watery chuckle.

“No.” She sighed, “just after Harvard.  My ex-fiancée was schizophrenic. We were happy, head over heels in love, everything seemed fucking perfect…so perfect that she thought she didn’t need her meds

anymore. That everything was better now. She slipped back into psychosis and…she got violent, a lot. The night I threatened to kick her out because of it she lost control so much the cops were called…the only reason she wasn’t arrested was because I pulled rank as an A.D.A and begged them not to take her.” Casey sighed heavily, taking a hefty swig of scotch, “she agreed to leave the next morning, after calling me a plethora of names and reminding me how much she hated me. A month later I got a call from the morgue…she’d been living on the streets, off her meds completely, got hit by a cab..”

“I’m so sorry…”

“We all have our baggage.” She replied, draining her glass, “listen, I know there’s no way that you’ll ever feel like your conscience is clear, but this Zapata guy would’ve gotten to you, Alex, or both of you, no matter which of you were trying the case. It’ll take a while, but you will come back from this.”

“Did you?” You nearly flinched at your own words, “sorry…”

“It took time…and sometimes it comes back with no warning. Feeling responsible for someone’s death isn’t a feeling that really ever goes away.” You nodded, taking a moment of silence to breathe, absorbing everything. You realized this was the most open conversation you’d had about the matter, and were surprised it was with someone you’d told to fuck off a week ago. You sank back the rest of your scotch.

“Thank you.” You murmured, the room quieting again before you realized something, “you really pulled your A.D.A badge to avoid an arrest? That’s not legal.” Casey’s eyes widened.

“Fuck. Technically, you’re the only one that knows that, you better not be planning on blackmailing me with it.” You dropped back against the couch, a laugh on your cheeks.

“You want my dirt? I’ve committed five brady violations in the past month and the only reason I got away with it was because the residing Judge was Alex’s Uncle.”

Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was being intoxicated on such little sleep and it now being nearly two in the morning, but you started to laugh, and Casey couldn’t help but join in on it. Sometimes all it really took was a similar shared trauma, a night of secrets that only the other knew that switched things around. True, it was entirely possible that you’d both come into work tomorrow cold and icy like nothing ever happened, or, things could start to open up. The small fit of laughter was broken by Casey’s phone going off,

“If that’s Cragen that’s yours!” You stated plainly, knowing you’d had at least one too many glasses of scotch.

“No.” Casey sighed, pocketing the phone, “a college friend who is trying to convince me to come to an after party that I am definitely not interested in.” She glanced at the time, “c’mon, even if sleep evades you, I’m sure your bed is comfier than spending the night on the couch. I’ll walk you out.”

“Thanks.” You murmured, gathering your things.

You’d had everything with you to head home when you’d arrived at Alex’s office, the usual tradition of working together still engraved in your brain. Casey ducked out, giving you a moment alone as you wrapped your head around it all. You knew one day, probably soon this would be someone else’s office. Liz had already mentioned that it was only on her insistence that Novak’s was on the lower floor, that they leave Alex’s empty out of respect. Despite your office usually being the meeting place, there had been more than enough hours in here that you’d miss just as much as you missed Alex, and you knew seeing someone else moving into the space would hurt, no matter how long it had been. You gave a heavy sigh, swiping the bottle of scotch into your bag, making a mental note to collect the rest of the alcohol tomorrow…just in case.

Casey gave you a small smile as you entered the hallway, clicking the door shut behind you. The two of you said nothing while you made your way to the entrance of Hogan Place, flagging down a couple of cabs before bidding each other good night. Sure, things may have started off hella rocky, but it appeared you might actually have a friend at the D.A’s office now, which was what you really needed.

Hidden Desires Ch 13

Warnings: Language. Fighting. Angst. Intro Casey. Casey fucks up
Taglist:@charabs@bisexualcrowley@emilyprentisswife@detective-giggles@stardust-fray@ineedafinghug@veteranwerewolf95@haruren30@billiedeannovak@stardust-galaxies@laurenhope13@vivis-ghost-wife@beccabarba@imlike-so-gaydude@mspetey@wannabe-fic-reader@sarcasticmami@rwbyfan16@gaylorrds@infiniteoddball

*

Monday rolled around and you were thankful you didn’t have to deal with any court appearances or detectives so far. You’d had one phone call for a search warrant for the SVU case but you were being a bit passive aggressive and waiting on taking it down to the squad. Liv and Elliot were still acting fucking distant, so you may as well pull back too. Despite your relationship with Alex staying a secret from the rest of the squad, you were sure Olivia told Stabler, maybe that was it?

There was a soft knock at your door and you called out to come in pausing in your work as you realized you didn’t know the redhead who was now standing in your office, you could’ve sworn you’d seen her somewhere before but couldn’t quite put your finger on it.

“Can I help you?”

“Casey Novak. I’m SVU’s new prosecutor.” She extended her hand briefly, dropping it when she realized you weren’t about to greet her.

“VanRiel.” You replied, “where’re you from?” Her brow scrunched,

“Uh…Upper West Side…?”

“No,” you half scoffed, “whatborough?”

“Oh. Manhattan.”

“Please tell me you’re at least from homicide?” You groaned, dropping your head into your hands, though you already knew the answer. You knew all the A.D.A’s in Manhattan homicide already considering you did half their jobs for them.

“White collar.”

“For fucks sake Branch…” you muttered to yourself before turning your gaze back up to hers, “listen, I don’t have time to baby you so I hope you did your homework. We deal with violent crimes, live victims, shit that’s definitely going to keep you up at night.” Your hand picked up the case file Stabler had dropped off the other day, along with the warrant they needed, “address is in the warrant, it covers pharmaceuticals. Benson and Stabler are already en route.” You turned back to working on your closing argument as Casey flipped through the file, glancing back at you.

“You’re not even gonna walk me through it?”

“I’m currently working on the case load of three prosecutors. You graduated law school right?” She nodded. You gave her a tight smile, “sink or swim. Welcome to SVU.”

You saw the way she rolled her eyes, but were thankful that she at least left your office, you didn’t want anyone getting in shit because the warrant wasn’t there in time. Or the even more likely offence that the detectives pulled some crap not covered by the warrant. Shortly after she left you sighed, your ears nearly ringing in the silence as you glanced around your office. You hated it in here now, it had been the social point for years and was now suddenly eerily quiet, no longer filled with the banter and teasing between the other two lawyers and you. You tapped through your phone until a quiet playlist echoed through the room, filling some of the empty space, hoping that would help.

*

Being from White Collar, Casey didn’t know much about the office going ons within other departments, she’d honestly done her best to stay out of it as much as she could. She was more dedicated to the job and getting a good conviction rate than knowing the gossip that leaked through Hogan Place. She knew SVU previously had multiple prosecutors but one had passed away and the other…she wasn’t even really sure (truthfully, Donnelly, Benson and you had managed to cover up Sonya’s rehab stint in an attempt to save her reputation at least somewhat. You claimed she had a family emergency and had to head to Florida for a month or so). It only worked because everyone believed the word of mouth and no one bothered looking at paperwork to confirm.

Casey was about to find out that the detectives were just as brash as you had been, and clearly didn’t like their crime scenes touched by anyone other than themselves, or their cases interfered with before they called the DA. They both shot down practically everything she said, and every idea she had. She got it, she was new to the department, that didn’t mean she didn’t know what she was talking about it. Hands on experience was the best way to learn, to make sure that she didn’t miss anything in a future case that maybe they did, everyone slipped up once in a while.

Sure, she hadn’t expected a welcoming wagon, but this seemed much more harsh than she’d hoped for. By the end of the day there was barely an improvement on the investigation and she was more frustrated and annoyed than anything else. She managed to catch you still in your office as you were packing up, your coat already on and halfway through the room when she came rounding through the door.

“I told you I don’t have time to baby you…” shouldering your bag you began to move past her. Today was already the one month anniversary of Alex’s shooting, the only thing you wanted to do right now was pay a visit to her grave before the rain started and drown yourself (responsibly) in a bottle of wine. You were genuinely surprised when Casey’s hand closed around your wrist, turning you back to her and effectively keeping you in the office.

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“Excuse me?!” You wrenched out of her grip, this was already a stark difference from this morning.

“You sent me down to that crime scene on purpose just to piss off the detectives so I’d get an earful, didn’t you?”

“I sent you down there because they needed the warrant! And they have a tendency to play a little fast and loose with the law. Especially those two.” Your temper flared when you turned back to the door and felt her hand on you again, tugging you back into the office.

“Okay, listen, I get it. I’m the new kid on the block, I haven’t worked your type of cases before, but there is no reason that everyone needs to have such a stick up their ass because I’m trying to do the job I was hired to do! I’m supposed to be here to take some of the weight off of you, you can’t just complain that you’re too busy doing three people’s jobs to try and help me learn! I need to be taking my own cases!”

“Oh my God..” you muttered, “I really don’t have time for a baby prosecutor temper tantrum right now, okay? You have an issue, you need to be walked through a case or how to do your job? Bring it up with Donnelly!”

You managed to swipe out of her grasp before she laid a hand on you this time, but her temper had been climbing every second. Casey was a perfectly good prosecutor and she knew she was damn good at her job and wasn’t about to let the stuck up, closed off clique of special victims drive her away from furthering her career. Her brain was fogged with anger and the words were out of her mouth before she even had a chance to think about what she was saying.

“You can’t all fucking hate me just because I’m not some dead girl!”

She knew she was in for it the second you reeled around, the fire in your eyes covering the slight shimmer of rage tears as you stepped towards her. For a second she thought you were about to slap her, and honestly, the thought crossed your mind. You’d known this girl for less than ten hours, interacted with her for less than ten minutes and she had the audacity to pull this kind of crap on her first day of work? Not on your watch.

“What did you just fucking say?” Casey had expected a yell, not the low near growl that rumbled out your words.

“I’m sorry.” She stumbled slightly over her words suddenly, “that was out of line. I know you guys were friends or whatever but you can’t treat me like crap because I filled an open position.”

“She isn’t just some dead girl!” Now your voice was raising, and you were slowly backing Casey into the office without even realizing it, “it’s not like she was in a fucking car accident! She was fucking gunned down on the street because she was trying to prosecute a case that I pressured her to take! She only fucking agreed to it because she was my girlfriend! I’m not sitting here whining about having a heavy workload because I can, I’m doing this much shit because I’m the reason Alex bled out on a dirty sidewalk while I was waiting at home for her! I’m covering for Sonya because she was in such fucking bad shape after Alex was murdered she drank herself into a fucking stupor and I’m the one who had her suspended and sent to rehab so I wouldn’t feel responsible for another one of my best friends deaths!” You only paused to take a shuddering breath, the tears in your eyes suddenly threatening to fall, “you never get to speak about Alexandra Cabot ever again. Do I make myself clear?”

“I-“

“Ohfuck you Novak.” You practically spat, managing to make it out of your office before the tears started to slide down your cheeks, doing your best to dodge down empty hallways on your way to the exit.

Casey let out a shaky sigh, leaning back against your desk, waiting for the sound of your heels on the floor to disappear as you left the building.

To say she had royally fucked up her first day was a more than true understatement.

Warnings:Language.
A/N:Well, this is it folks. Thanks for falling down the spiral that is Ms Calhoun with me. But don’t worry, I will obvi keep writing for her, I’ll be starting another series of her relatively soon, and obvi accept requests for one shots and the like. This ch goes from soft, to a little fun chaos of lawyers enjoying their time off to ultra soft. Fair warning.

Taglist:@charabs​@emilyprentisswife​@natasha-danvers​@stardust-fray​@ineedafinghug​@billiedeannovak​@stardust-galaxies​@randomthingsss​ @vivis-ghost-wife  @wannabe-fic-reader​ @witchxaf @sarcasticmami​@angelicdestieldemon​@gaylorrds​@smuttty​@infiniteoddball​

*

The following four and a half months seemed to simply race by faster than anyone had expected. You sat for the bar in early March followed by a torturous waiting period. Rita reassured you that she knew you did spectacularly, but your anxiety was still spiked over the entire thing. You felt that you’d done well, and you knew as long as you passed you had a guaranteed job lined up, you were just hoping you’d live up to your own expectations.

You’d been at your own desk all through the morning, working through piles of paperwork, emails and occasionally on the phone, which, to Rita, was rather strange. You were almost always in her office with her, sitting at one of the tables while you shot ideas back and fourth. Though she knew you’d been a bit stressed recently, so she wasn’t going to push it, making a mental note to pick you up something nice on the way home.

Shortly before lunch, you finally came into her office, a stack of papers in your hand. She could see the post it’s stuck to a variety of them, scribbles of blue ink between the printed words as you placed the pile down onto her desk. She cocked a brow at you,

“And these are…?”

“Shortlist of resumes for your new assistant.” You smiled warmly at her, “I weeded out all the incompetent ones, don’t worry.” Rita laughed lightly,

“Thank you. This better be because you passed the bar?”

“Mmm…no, Barba gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse.” Your eyes gleamed as you grinned across at her.

“Oh please.” She scoffed, “we both know the only place you’re going is that office across the hall.” She pushed her chair back from her desk, nodding her head, “c’mere.” You moved around the desk, giggling softly as she tugged you down into her lap. “So, what was the verdict?”

“Top five.” You wrapped your arms around her neck, “and I believe I have you to thank for that.”

“Mmm.” Rita kissed you gently, “I knew you could do it darling. And you have yourself to thank for it, all that hard work and dedication.”

“You still helped.” You replied, nuzzling against her nose before kissing her gently, humming against her in satisfaction. “Don’t know what you’re going to do now, you’ll be lost without me as your assistant.”

“I’ll still have you as my love,” she kissed you again, “and that’s all I need.” She nudged you out of her lap gently to stand, “I believe this deserves a celebratory lunch, how do you feel about Scarpetta?”

“Mmm! Their ravioli is decadent, you sure we have time for that?” Rita laughed lightly before kissing your cheek,

“We’ll make it a working lunch. Find you your own assistant, figure out your client list, mine’s gotten too big, I’m sure I can shave it down for you.”

“Are you sure? Won’t they not want a first year attorney handling their cases?”

“Darling, you’re hardly some two bit legal aide, and you come highly recommended. Besides, Shakir loved you, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind a switch up. Come on.” She extended her hand out to you, nodding her head toward the door, “your beloved ravioli awaits.” You playfully rolled your eyes, a grin on your cheeks as you accepted her hand, interlacing your fingers with hers.

*

Truthfully, Rita’s client list had gotten a little bit out of hand recently, especially considering she’d had you working as her assistant, the amount of work she had to do per case was substantially lower than normal. She knew whoever ended up replacing you was in no way going to be able to keep up to your standards (you reminded her to at least try to play nice or she’d end up with another new one).

The first time you showed up at the 1-6 for a client Barba was quick to quip that you couldn’t go in without Rita, to which you huffed a laugh and reminded him that this was your client, joking about how ‘this was going to be fun.’ He knew in that moment by the glint in your eye that he was not going to enjoy going up against you. And he was completely right as you absolutely eviscerated him, tearing his case to shreds even better than he would’ve expected from Rita. The jury was back in under fifteen minutes and it was safe to say you’d earned a great deal of respect from him that day. (And a great deal of praise and gifting from Rita that night).

When the inevitable time of going up against Casey came around, you held up on your promise to not go easy, though the pre trial teasing was a lot more playful and friendly. She was surprised when you didn’t accept the deal she offered, preferring to take it to trial and risk losing, she had to admit, your years working with Rita meant that you knew how to be ballsy. Rita had the spare time that week to be in the courtroom to watch you completely destroy Casey, amused at the fiery dynamic between the two of you and the fact that Donnelly was the Judge on the case. When the jury came back in your favour, she couldn’t help but smirk, proud of not only how far you’d come, but how well you had done. She waited as the courtroom cleared out, watching your client thanking you before he left. She didn’t miss the snails pace that you and Casey were both organizing your things, eager for a private moment away from prying eyes.

“We’re still friends, right?” You teased to the redhead as the older women crossed the room to you.

“Course.” She roped an arm around you in a half hug, kissing your cheek before turning to Rita, “you really trained her up well.”

“Oh she’s always had it in her.” Rita replied, softly kissing you, “wonderful job darling.”

“Thank you.”

“How do we feel about Forlini’s?” Liz asked, “after that performance I think Y/N deserves a win celebration.”

“Okay…normally I would be offended at that.” Casey shot back, feigning offence. Liz simply laughed in response, kissing her cheek,

“I’ll meet you over there, I’ve got a couple things I need to wrap up. Though..defence is paying today.” She was quick to vanish from the room as Casey turned back to you.

“You do deserve it, I know you’re badass and all but I thought I had that in the bag.”

“I honestly just lucked out with the jury, ‘cause he definitely killed three people.” Rita’s hand slapped into your arm harder than she’d intended.

“Okay! Adding to the list of things we’re not supposed to say out loud!”

“What?” You turned to her, “I waited ‘til Donnelly left. Besides, double jeapordy applies, he can’t be retried! He fucks up again though, and that’s gonna be your win.” You shot a grin to Casey. “Shall we?” Your head nodded toward the door and the three of you made your way out of the room. Rita’s hand briefly squeezed yours before dropping it as you made your way past the press, though she linked your finger again once you were down the street closer to the restaurant.

*

Over that lunch, Memorial Day weekend had come up, Liz asking if you and Rita had plans to head out to the Hamptons. You hadn’t really thought about it at that point, but were more than willing to join her and Casey for an extending weekend lounging ocean side, attending a few celebrations at the yacht club.

Which is what brought you to that Saturday evening.

You’d spent the afternoon down at the beach, you and Casey splashing through the waves (Rita cursing herself for being roped into letting you get the emerald bikini you were wearing) before lounging in the sun, ever happy you’d snuck down some rose in chilled tumblers.

After a brief return to your own houses for showers and a quick change of clothes, you met up at Liz’s again for pre dinner drinks before her and Rita took a run down to Cappelletti to get a takeout order for the four of you. What they most certainly hadn’t expected was to return in through the back door into the kitchen to see you and Casey, in a huge fit of giggles while you were dancing like fools in the living room. Your cheeks were flushed and barely able to control your laughter, the glimmer of tears from laughing too hard evident in both your eyes, you were both clearly drunk.

“What on earth are you two doing?” Rita’s voice broke through your distraction, not even realizing they’d returned to the house.

“Making Tik Toks!” You both replied.

“What the fuck is a Tik Tok?” Liz’s confusement resulted in another bout of giggles from the two of you.

“Where the fuck did you get a ring light from?” Rita asked.

“The girl next door!” Casey snorted, “we were trying to make them in the backyard but she said this would work better!”

“You mean the thirteen year old!? Your socializing with literal children now?” Liz countered.

“She was really sweet!” You cut in.

“Okay,”  Rita shook her head, “but how did you even manage to get so drunk this quickly? We were gone less than an hour!”

“Beerio Kart!” You gleefully replied

“You’ve lost me once again.” Liz’s eyes glanced between the two of you.

“Mario Kart!” You explained, “but..you hafta finish your drink before the end of the race..but..but you can’t drink while you drive, cause that…is..is against the law.”

“You’ve gotta pull over and…chug your drink, or… do all three laps then chug. And there’s…three races per game.” Casey finished off. Liz picked up the empty bottle of wine on the counter, double checking the label before she spoke.

“And I suppose you did this with the 30% wine after not eating since brunch.” The two of you nodded before collapsing into another fit of giggles, distracted with each other, Rita turned to Liz.

“Is Casey this chaotic when it’s just you?”

“I watched these two tear each other apart in my courtroom three days ago….what the fuck happened?”

“We can’t leave them unsupervised anymore…” Liz laughed at that, which caught your attention again, your eyes landing on the take out bags this time.

“Ooo! Did you get the mozza sticks?!” You practically bounded toward the kitchen.

“Ah.” Liz halted you, “Casey, take that ring light back next door and then we’ll get some food into you dorks.”

The redhead rolled her eyes, but did as told, unplugging the light before teetering slightly out the front door. You turned to Rita, a hand grasping at hers gently,

“You think were dorks?” You pouted, she laughed lightly.

“Yes.” She kissed your nose, “but you’re our dorks.”

“Good.” You smiled brightly, kissing her gently as your arms wrapped around her. You spent a moment snuggled into her side, ever so thankful to be in her arms so freely, humming as her lips hit your head.

As the evening progressed, you and Casey managed to sober up with a little bit of time and some carb loading. Deciding to be somewhat responsible over dinner Casey and you stuck with water, letting the other two women catch up a little bit while you calmed down. You did manage to convince them into at least one round of beerio kart after dinner before you and Rita bid them good night.

The walk home was pleasantly warm, a small firework display going off above you from down at the beach. Your hands linked together while your other hand snuck into Rita’s elbow, kissing her cheek softly before snuggling against her shoulder. You thanked her for being so wonderful, and for another incredible weekend away from the city. She simply reminded you that you deserved it, and that you’d warranted it after succeeding so much in such short time this year.

Upon getting home you both changed into pyjamas, little soft moments of contact and love exchanged as you made sure everything was properly in place for the next day before returning downstairs for a nightcap on the porch, watching the rest of the fireworks going off. Rita sent you out with a soft blanket while she poured the drinks, joining you out there with something else in her hand as she settled next to you. You thanked her for the drink, kissing her cheek before taking a sip and placing it on the small table. She snuggled up against you under the blanket, kissing you deeply before she spoke.

“Something came for you today.” She lifted the box between you, you couldn’t help but smile at her, adoration heavy in your eyes.

“You didn’t have to.”

“On the contrary…I really did.”

You gave her hand a squeeze as you took the box from her, plucking the lid from it, revealing the necklace inside. Much like the one you’d gifted her for her birthday, it was a small circle with numbers engraved, and a small symbol.

“What’re the coordinates?” You asked, knowing they weren’t her apartment.

“This house.”

“You’re adorable.” You smiled, lifting the jewelry out of the box, your head tilting as your fingers traced over the gem, “an infinity symbol?”

“Infinity means forever.” She replied, her voice so soft you could barely hear it above the ocean, “and it was over Christmas, at this house that I knew I wanted to spend forever with you.”

“Rita…” you practically melted, happy tears springing into your eyes, “really?”

“Of course darling.” Her hand stroked at your cheek, “you already know you mean the world to me. I wouldn’t have it any either way.”

“Neither would I.” You surged against her, meeting her lips in an incredibly happy kiss, a laugh escaping your lips as you reluctantly pulled away, “put it on for me?” You eagerly asked, handing her the necklace while you turned your back to her for easier access.

“God I love you.” She murmured, kissing you again, lips feather light as they met yours.

“I love you too.” You pecked her lips again before wrapping your body against hers, snuggling as deep as you could.

You both meant it, curled against each other watching fireworks while the ocean softly crashed against the sand was the most perfect way to enjoy each other. Everything had finally fallen into place, but you would never forget those moments at the Hamptons house, the glorious Christmas you’d spent together, snuggled up by the fire, and that evening. The night that Rita gifted you something you would never give up in a million years, the offer to spend the rest of your life at her side. There was absolutely nothing that made you happier, nothing that you loved more, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.