Alfonse Route Chapter 6 (1-5)

Last time on the Alfonse route: Liz and Alfonse had a really awkward talk on the floor, Amelia made things more awkward, and then Klaus showed up at the end and has a mission for Liz.

We start the chapter with Klaus wanting to extend his warranty on his fake dating au. Instead of saying no, Liz agrees to do it, even though Klaus gives her absolutely NO details on what they’ll be doing.

They go to town and get Liz a new outfit because of course they do, at which point Klaus reveals what they’re going to be doing.

guys….. shouldnt you fucking practice for a fake interview? or idk. this whole plotline is really stupid.

So they go to the Goldsteins’ ridiculously large laboratory that they apparently created to research the furry disease, but Klaus says they still need some more money to run it properly, since apparently they blew the entire budget on the architecture.

Klaus explains he’s using the media to attract potential investors for the laboratory and expresses a distaste for the media. Liz notes that she’s surprised Klaus hates the media just like Alfonse does, even though I’m fairly sure Klaus already had a dramatic speech about how much he hates the media. At the mention of Alfonse, Klaus clams up. Liz tries to ask him some questions about Alfonse, but Klaus also dodges the questions. 

Must run in the family.

So Klaus introduces the disease-curing MacGuffin and everyone is impressed. Then Liz gets perturbed that the media is asking Klaus some honestly very reasonable questions.

Klaus reveals that he’s working directly with the Ministry for the disease curing project but for some reason, the possibility of the magic government subsidizing the Goldsteins for their work on the project that is supposed to save lives isn’t even brought up. Jesus Christ, the wizard economy is in shambles.

Alfonse Route Chapter 5 (13-17)

Last week on the Alfonse Route: We experienced the crossover of the century when Alfonse, Leon, Cerim, Leslie, Caesar in Pig Form, Chica, and Ronny came together to beat the shit out of a papparazzi dude who snuck into the school, then Alfonse and Liz went to the school’s infirmary and did actual helpful things.

At the end of a busy day of doing actual helpful things, Liz and Alfonse are 100% beat. Alfonse sits on a bed and Liz goes to do the same but trips because she’s so Quirky and Relatable.

They crash to the floor and the screen goes completely dark for some reason, and I feel like a CG is imminent.

Called it.

So Liz tries to deescalate the awkward by getting up off the floor, but Alfonse decides to escalate the awkward by asking Liz not to move yet. Then he apologizes for getting angry at the reporter several parts ago because he figured it spooked Liz. So, this entire thing is a mixed bag, really.

Liz clarifies that she was just surprised Alfonse was so passionate about his hate of the papparazzi and almost reveals that his hate of the papparazzi turns her on. And for some godforsaken reason Klaus is involved.

So Amelia walks in on Liz and Alfonse on the floor and immediately excuses herself after mistaking the situation for an intimate one, but she wasn’t really that far off so who could blame her.

Sure, Alfonse. But Amelia buys it. Liz wonders if she and Alfonse, indeed, had a moment. Amelia hands them over some food and the awkward levels skyrocket. Then Amelia goes all in, guns blazing.

And then Alfonse says THIS

Liz asks why he feels that way, but Alfonse dodges all the questions like he’s Keanu Reeves dodging bullets. 

Liz leaves and then Klaus fucking shows up, effectively ruining my day.

Trailer Time! Leslie is complaining about his lack of screentime, which is funny because I already forgot he had screentime this chapter. The next chapter is called “Interview.”

Alfonse Route Chapter 5 (8-12)

Last time on the Alfonse route: furry disease has been passed on to the students the papparazzi broke into Gedonelune.

We learn that the reporter broke into school ground using what is essentially a fake student id. Alfonse gets pissed off at the reporter due to Unspecified Backstory Trauma. Liz holds him back, and then Caesar arrives. And he’s a pig for some reason.

Yep.

This isn’t explained btw, so like… who did he kiss to get like that.

He’s also brought Chica and Ronny, which means Leslie and Cerim also show up to help Leon get the reporter out of Gedonelune, in a crossover event to rival Endgame, I mean we are taking people who are SEASONS apart.

So the reporter is from Jackal Press, which I’m noting down for future reference because this is either going to be foreshadowing or completely forgotten down the pipeline.

So Remy shows up and tells the reporter he’s going to send him to the Ministry, while the reporter reacts like Remy’s about to send him off to be tortured. Cerim and Leslie haul off the reporter and Remy puts on his Serious Plot Talk face.

Oh look, Remy’s making a responsible decision for once. He’s putting the magical doctor in charge of taking care of people getting magical diseases, what a concept.

So we get a reference to Randolph. Still don’t know what happened to that guy apparently.

So Liz and Alfonse go to the infirmary to take care of the sick students. Because they caught the symptoms early, no one’s died yet, but the disease is spreading rapidly. Nonetheless, they decide to focus on the patients they currently have.

Alfonse Route Chapter 5 (3-7)

Last time on the Alfonse Route: Liz and Alfonse ate hot dogs and then the Gedonelune newspaper thinks that Klaus plans to marry a college student he just met.

So Liz randomly thinks of Alfonse and Amelia notes that her face turned red so clearly, CLEARLY, it’s a surefire sign that Liz is in love with Alfonse.

Liz is sure Alfonse doesn’t see her as a potential girlfriend despite the numerous times he’s slipped up. Amelia suggests asking him directly and also tells her that she should maybe get to know the dude she’s supposedly in love with.

So Liz is in the gardens deliberating how to talk to Alfonse when a female student (funny i didnt think those existed in this universe) stumbles over, looking very sick. She is probably about to succumb to furry disease. Liz goes over to her and shoots a message to Alfonse.

So Alfonse arrives and gives the girl medicine that heals her. He orders her to be taken to an infirmary. He tells Liz that other students also caught the furry diseases and asks her to help him treat the other students. Liz agrees.

So Leon’s here for some reason (wait do people know hes a unicorn’s humansona-) and he alerts Liz that she’s being stalked by someone. He proceeds to yank the stalker out of bushes with magic, and the stalker is… a shadow?

Yeah. Don’t know what’s up with that sprite. He has a camera apparently, so I guess he’s the papparazzi. Alfonse confirms he’s a reporter, and that’s where we’ll end for today.

Alfonse Route Chapter 4 (12-14), Chapter 5 (1-2)

Last time on the Alfonse Route: Liz and Klaus go to the Goldstein party, meet Blair Waldorf’s dad, Klaus quotes Spiderman, and Alfonse doesn’t even appear.

So Liz is heading back to Gedonelune but stops to get a hot dog and Alfonse finally makes an appearance, also ordering a hot dog. The narrative takes the time to remind us that Liz is still in her fancy dress, which must look very peculiar to the hot dog stand guy.

So Alfonse says some heterosexual things, then they get their hot dogs and decide to put refried beans on their hot dogs.

Oh my god y’all I just know later that night they’re gonna be passing gas left and right. Not that I would know.

So apparently Alfonse and Liz enjoy the same weird kind of hot dog and they bond over that

Uh… yeah bro. Yall imagine is this wasn’t his otome route and Liz wasn’t into him. That would be so fucking weird. Anyway. Liz thinks about how she enjoyed a night of hanging out with high society for… some reason, but she likes hanging out with Alfonse more.

Wonder what that could possibly mean folks.

Trailer time!

Oh great, I’m getting flashbacks to the ACTUAL Klaus route.

The next chapter is called The Creeping Plague.

So the next chapter opens with the next morning, Liz and Amelia have a conversation, and apparently Liz made it into the newspaper with this absolute banger of a headline /sarc

Ugggfhfhhhh

Amelia suggests that Liz go out with Klaus for real, which is a terrible idea. The conversation somehow steers into “have you ever been in love” territory, so next time we’ll pick up with that.

Alfonse Route Chapter 4 (6-11)

Last time on the Alfonse Route: Klaus said a bunch of stupid shit.

We immediately open with Klaus coaching Liz on how to walk and carry herself throughout this party. Idk why he didn’t just go over this shit on the way over and off screen. Seems more practical. And I know I usually criticize stuff for happening off screen, but that’s only when the events are, in theory, interesting. This?

This is boring as shit.

So they enter the venue, it’s full of rich people shit. The background looks nice though.

….. Waldorf?……

 Ok.

Liz muses that Klaus is wearing a fake smile by greeting Blair Waldorf’s dad. He introduces Liz and then dodges questions about her connection to House Goldstein. I bet that’s a fun story. “So you see, I peaked in wizard school so I keep coming after I graduated to catch supervillains-”

Idk isn’t this kind of your fault for not hashing out a cover story on the way over? Seems like it would be kind of important. And don’t you dare pin it on Liz, this was your shitty idea. Take responsibility for it.

So a bunch of people start gossiping about Liz and Klaus and he tells her not to pay attention to it. Then a waiter comes over and tells Klaus something, which was apparently a signal for Klaus to….. give a speech about the Furry Disease. Yup. Klaus quotes Spiderman of all things when he gives a speech saying the Goldstein family will work on developing a cure for Furry Disease.

Proof of Klaus quoting Spiderman.

So Elias comes over dressed exactly like Klaus for some reason, and we learn he’s not sick anymore due to Yukiya somehow finding Alfonse’s clinic and acquiring some of his medicine. 

Then Klaus decides to make his little announcement that he and Liz are “dating” now and then the wizard papparazzi goes wild.

At the end of the party, Liz and Klaus step outside and Liz demands to know why Klaus made such a public announcement.

Surprisingly, Klaus actually apologizes for that dick move and actually thanks Liz for dealing with rich people and papparazzi on his behalf. We end with Klaus pointing out a carriage (read: Uber) for Liz to take back to town.

And so ends 6 parts of the Alfonse Route with one mention of Alfonse and no physical appearance from the man of the hour.

Alfonse Route Chapter 4 (1-5)

Happy New Year y’all! I for one am very excited for another year of dunking on not real otome boys.

I’m personally starting the year off right by going off on Klaus Goldstein.

Last time on the Alfonse route: Liz and Alfonse do some work in the clinic, Liz drops an invitation, and Alfonse puts on his Serious Face for some angst and drama.

We open with the start of chapter 4, and Alfonse just CANNOT believe that Liz is going to the Goldstein party, I tell you. Liz explains that this is Klaus’s fake dating AU and expresses worry about navigating high society, while Alfonse thinks she can pull it off. He tels her she’s got something called the “Magic of Fortune,” which you can tell is important because it’s capitalized. But Liz doesn’t know what it is. For some reason.

Alfonse warns Liz not to get too involved with the Goldstein family which is hilarious because she’s friends with him, one of her deputy prefects is Elias, and Klaus apparently trusts her enough for his fake dating AU so it looks to me that that ship has already sailed. 

Luckily the “right” option is “I know” so at least we can pretend we’re competent.

Yeah I’d like to forget you said that too.

Liz proceeds to meet with Klaus.

You don’t make jokes so that’s bullshit.

I literally hate this man. 

So they go to a boutique to get Liz the obligatory makeover.

I hate this. I hate this scene. I hate this wording. Fuckthis.

I. Am. Going. To. Vomit. Shut the fuck up Klaus.

So they go to the Goldstein house and oh are you shitting me why do they need to give Klaus a redesign. REALLY. You can design a whole new unnecessary outfit for Klaus but its too hard to give Liz even a regular sprite??? Fuck off.

I can’t take much more of this. And luckily, my story tickets have run out for today.

Alfonse Route Chapter 3 (9-15)

Last time on the Alfonse Route: Liz heads to the Gedonelune city in preparation of the party, Hugo spouted some bullshit, and we learn that there’s a poorer district of the city where Alfonse is frequently found doing his best to help the people.

Alfonse reveals that the reason he’s been disappearing for so often is because he’s working on getting the clinic up and running. Liz asks why he didn’t tell her, because she would have liked to help. Alfonse adamantly remains stubborn and pulls an “I work alone.”

If I had a nickel every time an otome boy said THAT, I’d be set for life.

Liz tells Alfonse she admires him for his commitment to his goals, and I’m not gonna snark about that because she’s right. Alfonse says that maybe a strong commitment to goals isn’t admirable and that life is complicated, which implies to me that the reason that Alfonse is alienated from the Goldsteins is because of his work. However, since Klaus and probably Walter are EXTREMELY vexed about Alfonse, it just honestly makes them look worse than Alfonse.

Liz asks to help. Alfonse tries to brush her off, but Liz doesn’t back down. Alfonse is impressed.

Bruhh not the “for some reason”

The two kids from earlier come to pick up their mother’s medicine. One kid asks if Liz is Alfonse’s girlfriend. The choice to actually get intimacy points is “Well, maybe…” even though at this point, Liz and Alfonse are work friends and Liz is also pretending to be Klaus’s girlfriend. Freudian slip, perhaps?

Wait, apparently it was a joke.

Eh. Still really weird.

Then Alfonse pulls the “if I had a girlfriend I’d like her to be like Liz” because of course he does. Although it’s a little less weird than Mel’s random declaration of “You’d make a good wife” over the most inane things.

That’s it y’all! Route’s over. Thanks for coming.

Just joking. Otome games are never that easy. Especially now that fake dating is involved. The genre is ripe with stupid miscommunications.

Liz begins helping around the clinic when a man comes in with a cut on his arm. Liz offers to heal it with magic, and Alfonse assures the man that she’s a doctor. Not the smartest move to be honest, though Liz tries to salvage it by correcting it to assistant. This is either going to go really right or really wrong.

Luckily it goes right, the man’s arm is healed and everyone is happy, though Liz finally starts wondering why Alfonse’s smiles always seem so sad. Alfonse reminds Liz about the person she had to go see, so Liz prepared to leave. However, she drops the invitation.

They’re really laying on the “Alfonse is a Goldstein” on thick, aren’t they?

Trailer time! Our hosts are Caesar and Luca. Luca comments that he’s never seen the Forgotten City even though he has been at Gedonelune since he was born, which really just reminds us that the writers invented the Forgotten City literally during this route. Anyway, the hosts sing Alfonse’s praises and reveal the next chapter’s title: “To the Party”

Alfonse Route Chapter 3 (4-8)

Last time on the Alfonse route, or the aptly renamed Klaus III (thanks @eye-cri /gen): Someone tricked Klaus into thinking that this is his own fake dating au, not the Alfonse route. Although the irony here is that since this is technically the Alfonse route, at least Liz is going to avoid catching feelings for Klaus.

We open with this absolute banger of a line /sarc

He really thought he did something with that line. It doesn’t even make sense.

That night, Liz tells Amelia the plot of the new Netflix original romcom known as her life. Amelia tells Liz to enjoy the perks while she can.

This line is much better coming from her. When Klaus says it, it’s just weird.

The next day, Liz arrives in town an hour early and despairs about it, even though its leagues better than coming an hour late. While she’s wandering around town, she hears a bell and sees a masked man, which she chases into an alley that is described to be scary, but the art for it looks… normal

Talk about tonal dissonance. 

Anyway, the dude was Hugo. He drops this shit-

-And then leaves. Liz runs into Alfonse because of course she does, but doesn’t tell him about the weird masked man spitting out poems worthy of the King in Yellow excerpts. 

Apparently Liz and Alfonse have found themselves in the neglected district of Gedonelune, which means the Gedonelune economy and housing market is just as stellar as the US’s. Which is to say, not stellar in the slightest. Two kids run up to them, apparently they know Alfonse and they call him “Doctor” even though he hasn’t completed his wizard doctorate program.

We end on the revelation that Alfonse runs a free clinic for the people in the neglected district, which is honestly the best reveal I’ve ever read on this app.

Alfonse Route Chapter 2 (14-17), Chapter 3 (1-3)

Last time on the Alfonse Route: Alfonse gave some exposition on the Black Robe Plague and… that’s it literally nothing else happened.

We pick up in the middle of a conversation that I forgot the beginning of. Liz talks about how remembering her parents isn’t as painful as it used to be, but Alfonse warns her not to hold in bad emotions, which is good advice tbh. 

Apparently Klaus is standing in front of the girl’s dorm for… some reason, and upon seeing him Alfonse dives into the bushes, taking Liz with him. We get a CG, because hiding in bushes from your love interest’s little brother is the pinnacle of romance.

Liz asks Alfonse why they’re hiding, and Alfonse dodges all the questions. She notes that there’s a tense atmosphere whenever Klaus and Alfonse interact. She considers asking Alfonse about it, but doesn’t.

That is, uh, not a tree trunk he is pinning her against, unless Gedonelune tree trunks are all covered in flowers.

Liz asks Alfonse why they’re hiding again but with slightly different wording; Alfonse is no less dodgy. He disengages and leaves, and Liz catches feelings but doesn’t recognize she caught feelings.

Oh, but I do. Ness, veteran of a thousand otome routes, recognizes those fucking feelings.

Liz approaches Klaus, who asks her to be her partner in very vague words, a scenario that unfortunately reminds me of that one scene from the first Klaus route.

Trailer time! Our hosts are Zeus and Hiro. Zeus is a dick and they argue until Hiro reveals the next title: “The Forgotten City.”

Chapter 3 has begun. Apparently Klaus is asking out Liz, and I am very annoyed. Bitch, does this look like your route?? You had TWO, quit being so greedy. Although it doesn’t appear to be an actual emotional thing, just a “i trust you” for some reason thing. Was there really no other girl at the school? Man Klaus you need more friends.

Liz drops, uh, this line

Klaus bitches about gold diggers a little too dramatically.

Like what the fuck is this. Are you trying to channel that one Arthur meme.

Klaus makes a comment that is Totally Not About Alfonse and then says THIS

The fuck!! Boy, this ain’t your fake dating au! IS YOUR NAME ON THE ROUTE. Jesus christ.

Well, at least letting Liz be the dumper is SOME consolation. Liz is still skeptical, but Klaus explains that since she doesn’t come from an influential family, it’ll look like they were in love, so when she dumps him maybe the media will back off him. Which honestly seems really counterproductive, because if there’s anything the paparazzi likes, its a celebrity break up. Liz is still on the fence, but Klaus actually utters the word “please,” so she agrees to the plan.

And thus ends this chapter of To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. I mean The Perfect Date. I mean *insert some other media that involves fake dating because I can’t think of any more.* I mean the Alfonse route.

Alfonse Route Chapter 2 (9-13)

Last time on the Alfonse Route: Alfonse tells a lot of thinly veiled and really obvious lies about how he’s totally not the third Goldstein brother, but Liz rolls like ten natural 1′s on her insight checks so we’re stuck with this game for at least a few more chapters.

So apparently Alfonse has also been avoiding Zeus and Zeus has just tracked Alfonse down. Zeus demands to know how Alfonse healed the zombie furries, but Alfonse says that that information is Classified and he can’t tell Zeus. He odes however decide to share what he’s learned about the Zombie Furry Disease, apparently its real name is the Black Robe Plague, a plague that does NOT make people spontaneously wear a black robe.

*side eyes in c*vid-19*

Alfonse details all sorts of nasty symptoms of the disease and reveals that there is little information about how it spreads, that it’s uncured, and that it’s never been seen in Gedonelune before. If infected aren’t cured, they need to be put down. He also reveals that he’s been studying the Black Robe Plague for years for no reason other than plot convenience, and as such, he’s developed a potion that can sort of cure the disease but not really because if you drink it too late, it can’t help.

Liz reminds us all that her parents are dead, but the wording in the flashback implies that it could possibly have been the BRP that took them.

That, or I’m just reading into it too deeply.

Alfonse switches gears and asserts that they’re all going to work hard to cure the disease.

It cuts to the evening, Liz and Alfonse are walking toward the dorms and discussing the prefects. Liz thanks Alfonse for his help in getting Zeus to uh stop being a dick to the other prefects I guess. Which didn’t even really happen. Zeus suggests Zeus might have been “jealous,” and Liz gives us this banger of a metaphor /sarc

Good god, never make that comparison again. 

Alfonse Route Chapter 2 (4-8)

Look everybody, look who’s back again!

Last time on the Alfonse Route: Ness dropped off the face of tumblr to work on NaNoWriMo. They reached 50,000 words only thanks to the many, many, many word count buffs they added to the bottom of their document in point 1 font. They also got into college and aced their theater auditions, landing two parts in various school plays!

Wait, was I supposed to recap the Alfonse route? Ah well I’m more interesting anyway /hj /lh.

So Remy tells Liz that Alfonse is basically just working on a research grant on something I’m just gonna consider a wizard doctorate program, a thing that more fantasy stories should genuinely take advantage of because wizard doctorates is such a fun concept. Anyway, Alfonse walks over and Remy decides that he’s not gonna be a third wheel this time and leaves.

Liz thanks Alfonse for helping them in the ruins. Alfonse says he just “happened to be passing by” an excuse that no one, including Liz, is fooled by. Alfonse, luckily, probably doesn’t bullshit us and says he was looking into the disease too.

Hoo boy, this sure hits different as we’re coming up on Year 3 of Covid!!!! /sarc

Liz starts wondering who Alfonse reminds her of because she can pass all three prefect trials even with an asshole judging her, but she can’t make the connection that Alfonse looks exactly like Klaus and Elias.

Yeah, Alfonse definitely said that in one of those falsetto or dry-ass tones people always use for lies in comedy.

Wait Gedonelune has celebrities other than their two (2) teachers?

You’re so close Liz!

You’d think that’s a lie at first, then you remember Klaus doesn’t technically go to Gedonelune anymore, but he’s constantly hanging around there so it’s evident to see how one might get confused.

Alfonse also says he can’t see his brothers because of certain circumstances that are his fault, a statement that might have more gravitas if Alfonse and Klaus had not been constantly in the same room over the past four routes.

You know, they actually have some pretty good communication for an otome pairing.

Luca runs over holding a newspaper, which is news to me because I didn’t know that this school had a newspaper. Or a printing press. Apparently the headline is about Klaus because of course it fucking is. Klaus gets an expositional introduction, which reminded me that he did not appear in this route yet.

Mary Sue material right there /j.

Yeah, I wouldn’t call “somehow appears in every route since season 6 dropped” the “occasional” visit.

Luca shows Liz the article and shockingly, the article just describes a random woman photographed with Klaus, not an out of context photo of Liz and Klaus, so color me shocked. Alfonse looks at it, and now I’ve got a feeling that said random woman is probably Elaine, which would be both sad and hilarious.

Oh yeah, for those not in the know, Elaine was a character in Klaus’s route who Liz learned was the Goldstein brother’s fiance. And that Goldstein brother was Alfonse. Can’t wait to see how that gets resolved!

Anyway all of that was pure speculation because the real point of this scene was just to have Alfonse get close to Liz. He introduces himself to Luca. The narrative calls him “Alfonso,” which leads me to believe that Luca has a special ability to spontaneously turn anyone within a 5 foot radius of him Italian. Luca thinks he’s heard the name Alfonse before, but Alfonse dismisses him and reveals that the article was a fake, which means that my headcanons about wizard buzzfeed have finally been validated.

GIRL he’s not even TRYING to cover his ass.

Alfonse asserts that newspapers are vultures and tell lies to sell papers with such fervor I half-expect the paparazzi to be involved with his tragic backstory. Honestly the most surprising part of this is that Gedonelune apparently had cameras and printing presses this whole time.

Zeus arrives, effectively ruining my day. Luca dips, citing that he doesn’t want to deal with them, and I wish I could join him.

Alfonse Route Chapter 1 (16-17) and Chapter 2 (1-3)

Last time on the Alfonse Route: Alfonse fixes everything.

Yukiya reveals that the zombies chased after Liz and the others when they ran off. Suspicious . Caesar and Yukiya ask about the dozens of other humans lying around, and Liz turns to talk to Alfonse about it, but it turns out he already dipped.

I’d dip too if Zeus was trying to convince me to join him in doing something. Speaking of Zeus, Zeus chases after Alfonse and Hiro chases after Zeus because Hiro is back to being Zeus’s lackey. They both conveniently forget about the investigation because they are Perfectly Trustworthy Prefects.

The remaining people: Liz, Elias, Yukiya, and Caesar prepare to move the people to safety. As they begin to move, Liz hears a little bell ringing.

Yeah, I get that too. It’s called tinnitus.

Seeing visions of some otome pretty boy is not a common side effect, though.

Hugo (oh yeah, Hugo’s his name but we don’t know that yet) spits out some stuff that feels like one of those YA-curious prophecies full of adjectives and Things In Capital Letters. He disappears as Liz wonders who he was and what happened.

Previews are hosted by Elias and Yukiya, where they discuss Zeus’s stupid attitude and give us the name of the next chapter: “The Black Robe Plague.” Man, this app loves predicting the quarantine and year of the plague, huh? First Aster’s covid mask get up, and now this.

Moving on to Chapter 2!

It’s been a few days, and Liz and The Bois (which is the name I have given to Liz her her posse of pretty boys) go back to the ruins. Although this time it’s just Yukiya and Caesar, so maybe things will actually get done. They find no clues. Caesar wonders why the first infected were found in that particular spot. Liz thinks back to Hugo and tries to ask Yukiya and Caesar about him, but the words won’t come to her.

Hooray, more of this! /sarcasm. Was the Azusa route not enough, Solmare?! Haven’t I suffered enough silencing? /hj

Yukiya reveals that Elias has been sick, and this to me reveals that this app is a cosmic joke, because of course I’m finally reviewing this route in the year 2 of the pandemic. According to a doctor, they don’t know the cause of the sickness, although I’m betting that it has something to do with Furry Zombie Disease.

The trio goes back to the courtyard. Yukiya peels off to go back to the dorms, and Caesar leaves to plan his lesson because apparently prefects still teach. After he leaves, Liz spots Alfonse and thinks about him for a really long time and how she doesn’t know that much about him. Remy somehow sneaks up behind her even though his entire outfit should be enough to give him disadvantage on stealth and informs us that Alfonse is a “Special Prefect” and reveals that he’s a legit researcher for the Ministry.

I guess prefect privilege is a Goldstein family thing.

Alfonse Route, Chapter 1 (11-15)

Last time on the Alfonse Route: Zeus bitched a lot, the prefects didn’t actually do a lot of searching, and Furry Disease was revealed to actually be Zombie Disease, but I’ll be calling it Furry Zombie Disease just because.

We pick up with the prefects gathered in their safe spot, except it’s not the prefects, it’s just Liz, Zeus, and Hiro and they left Caesar, Elias, and Yukiya.

I just… can the writers just forget about him already? Why can’t he just fall into obscurity like Azusa? 

The trio discuss what they saw and how the zombies are immune to damage when another zombie appears. Man, these things are like weeds. Anyway apparently it’s close to Liz and almost attacks her but then….

Alfonse just teleported here?? I guess??? We get a recap on Alfonse’s character so far, because I know the best time for recaps is when I’m about to be eaten by a magic zombie. And then they fall on top of each other because of course they do.

Apparently there are still a bunch of zombies around! Zeus and Hiro prepare to fight them, but Alfonse reminds us that they’re just regular people who happen to be sick. He whips out some potions and we get the first CG of the route.

(And yes, I specifically included it with this line because the colors mentioned are literally the bi flag)

I assume that Hiro was just off to the side going like

Alfonse casts a spell and there’s a lot of prose that describes what’s happening. At the end of his magical boy sequence, all the zombies are suddenly not zombies anymore. Alfonse is congratulated. Zeus tries to suck up to him and make him join the investigation. Alfonse deflects the invitation, and everyone else arrives.

Alfonse Route, Chapter 1 (6-10)

Last time on this route: We recapped the last season and introduced the mysterious Furry Disease, which is what I’ll now be calling the disease even if I’m proved wrong in a few chapters.

Caesar finally thinks to ask where Klaus and Alfonse are. We learn that Alfonse isn’t here for personal reasons and Klaus finally, FINALLY went back to the fucking Ministry of Wizardry. Remy tells the prefects that they need to work together to investigate the Furry Disease. Zeus starts bitching, but Remy finally grows a spine and chews him out.

Fucking finally. It’s about time Remy did some actual headmastering instead of just hanging out as a vaguely evil stuffed animal. Anyway, Remy tells them to go investigate the ruins where the first victim of the furry disease was found. Caesar mentions that couples apparently go to the ruins, because everyone knows there’s no sexier atmosphere than crumbling buildings and the occasional history class field trip. Very Helpful, Caesar. 

Remy informs us that a couple found the first victim, who is a part of the Gedonelune staff we always hear about but never see. Maybe the reason we never see this many teachers is because they’re always getting mangled by Big Booty Wizard or getting struck down with Furry Disease. Gedonelune feels like a dangerous place to work. Someone call OSHA. 

Zeus is bitching again. Hooray more of this! /sarcasm. But this time Elias and Yukiya actually have comebacks.

And that brings us back to the present, where apparently Remy still hasn’t learned the meaning of the word nocturnal because Zeus and Hiro are extremely sleep deprived, which means they are Not Fully Functional. Who keeps thinking this is a good idea?

Shut the fuck up Caesar.

Liz, please stop making me defend Zeus. The only thing I will defend him on is the ridiculous way the staff forgets the the Night Class people….. have class during the night. Who would have thought. Certainly not me. It’s not as if it’s right in the name. But I don’t want to defend Zeus because he is contender for Worst Character in this entire game, right behind Azusa and Route 1 Klaus.

Liz tries to get everyone on track to search. Zeus refuses to search, then refuses to say why while bitching about “working with the day class” because this is still a fucking thing for some goddamn reason., dragging out this chapter even longer and making me want to bang my head against my keyboard.

grkl.OL.]j 

That was me banging my head against my keyboard.

It’s moments like these that I remember Remy is basically a dragon furry. So… scaly. I think.

Elias tells Liz to just ignore Zeus and do the investigation by themselves, and I’m inclined to agree with him because I’ve had just about enough of Zeus. Liz wonders if this is the right decision because Remy told them to “wOrK tOgEtHeR.” Normally, that wouldn’t mean shit when one party (Zeus) is being an uncooperative douchebag, but because this is otome-land, specifically, Wizardess-Heart-land, where douchebags are always fucking right for some reason, he’s still going to end up being important.

We interrupt my rant to bring what is hopefully plot!

So, this wasn’t Furry Disease! And is that a zombie from Lost Island??

Man, Gedonelune staff needs better benefits. They’re always at risk of falling victim to some kind of magic evil overlord shenanigans.

Welp, looks like we’re dealing with the durable kind of zombie, folks. Oh look, there are more of them now! Wizardess Heart just took a sharp turn into the zombie apocalypse genre. Zeus tells everyone to run away, and while normally I’d agree, that’s some awfully big talk for someone who was spewing out a bunch of “hur dur i’m stronger than you” bs two seconds ago. Zeus grabs Liz’s hand because of course he fucking does and everyone books it the hell out of the ruins.

I guess those ruins won’t be ideal for any coupley shenanigans anymore now that it’s infested with magic teacher zombies.

Alfonse Route, Chapter 1 (1-5)

The man, Alfonse Totally-Not-Goldstein. The route number, 19. The season, 7. 

We begin with Remy appointing Liz as Prefect. Didn’t this already happen last season? I thought we were committed to the more linear storyline this time. Perhaps its a dream. Let’s find out. 

Remy says a lot of things about responsibility and “being an example to other students” and a lot of stuff that isn’t really important, because the real reason to become a prefect is to not be bogged down by tedious things such as “class schedules” and “school rules.” 

Remy gives Liz her white prefect cloak and the line is full of symbolism so heavy it’d make my English teacher cry. Apparently, this is not a nightmare that is about to end in a horrible bout of foreshadowing.

Liz launches into a Kissing-Booth-style recap of her life so far- teenage wizardess accepted into Knock Off Hogwarts, rising to the top of the class, dealing with a sudden headmaster change, the reveal of the Night Class, a class that totally existed ever since Season 1, the reveal of the immortal teenage royal person trapped in the magic basement, the thieving incident I already forgot about, and the Big Booty Wizard case, except without dating anyone this time. I want to snark that that sounds great, but the romance routes weren’t super bad, so I didn’t want to claw my eyes out while reading them.

Except Zeus’s. Zeus can go choke.

We skip to a few months later when Liz is standing in some ruins we’ve never seen before. But ho, who is this?

Elias is allowed to be in this route?? Makes sense, since this route is going to have a side of Goldstein family drama. And he’s Deputy Prefect! Hang on, I gotta go feel some emotions for a second here. Liz and Elias as Prefect and Deputy Prefect are the dream team I never knew I needed.

STOP THE PRESSES.

BEST BOY IS BACK. HE’S ALSO DEPUTY PREFECT. HANG ON I NEED TO FEEL THINGS AGAIN.

Anyway, Elias and Yukiya are helping Liz investigate the Mysterious Ruins Unlike Any Seen Before. Elias and Yukiya comment on how surprised they are that Liz asked them to be her deputies, especially since usually a prefect is only allowed one deputy. Liz tells them she picked them for their abilities, and because she trust them. Aw! (Notice how Luca was NOT included. Just sayin’. Dude’s untrusthworthy)

Yukiya almost ruins the vibe by saying he’ll do his best to protect Liz, but Girlboss Liz says “nah fam we’re not doing the protection thing” and says that she wants them to work together and help each other improve. They share a heartfelt moment of friendship before continuing to investigate.

We flash back to the Headmaster’s office, as usual, Zeus is a dick.

Fuck you too, Zeus. You’re actually useless now, Your route’s over, your SEASON’S over, take a hint bro. Zeus starts being a dick to Elias and Yukiya, and Caesar tells him to shut the fuck. Well, I wish he’d actually told him to shut the fuck up, but that’s basically what Caesar said. Hiro also tells Zeus to shut up. Zeus does not. Liz tells Zeus to shut up. Zeus still does not shut up and then boasts about how Hiro’s stronger than the entire Day Class apparently. Sure okay. This dude just cannot save the right attitude for the right time, can he?

The bickering finally ends after Remy reigns them in. Look at this face. This man has aged 20 years after listening to Zeus’s bullshit. This is the same look my chemistry teacher gives the class when someone blurts out something stupid. He just looks like he wants to go back to bed. Man, listening to Zeus ages one like a motherfucker.

Remy tells the prefects that he wants them to investigate a strange disease that turns people into monsters. I think it’s kind of weird that we used to summon specialized ministry people to deal with this stuff, and now we’re just dumping it on the flock of prefects. What are the prefects anymore? At this point they’re like head-students/detectives/teacher’s assistants/teachers. They should just rename the position to “Whatever The Plot Needs Me To Be”

We end on a cliffhanger as Liz reacts with surprise to the Furry Disease. Idk if it actually turns them into furry monsters, but like… come on. Your brain went there too.