There are so many things he loves about Andrew falling asleep with him, Neil muses drowsily. The warm, solid chest against his back is one of the best feelings he’s ever had, topped at a slim margin by the arm under his pillow. It makes Neil feel safer than any gun he’s ever kept there.
The other arm is usually wrapped snugly around Neil’s waist on the nights they fall asleep together, and Neil fights not to chuckle to himself as he remembers the way that, when he falls to old habits and starts to hug himself to sleep, Andrew will immediately smack Neil’s arm away and slide his own possessively into its place.
And, God, Andrew’s biceps. Andrew’s hugs are one of the best things that’s ever happened to him. How could he possibly think about his Mom’s perfunctory holds anymore when he wakes up to those biceps wrapped around him? It’s been months since the first time and sometimes he still wakes up feeling disoriented at the sensation of being completely comfortable and safe.
Andrew never meant to rely on Neil like this, never meant to seek out Neil for anything. Andrew was not a child in need of comfort and he’d been living with himself long enough to know how to deal when his mind decided to mutiny against him.
Still, it’s stupidly easy to fall into Neil. A few months and Andrew finds more stability in having Neil next to him then he’s comfortable admitting. And if he wakes from nightmares some nights and traces the constellations of freckles on Neil’s back in the darkness to keep himself grounded, it’s his knowledge to hold.
Neil wakes though one night to the feeling of Andrew’s finger on his back. He hums sleepily and smiles. “Staring.”
Andrew pushes his face away, but lets his lips brush Neil’s shoulder in a kiss.
Neil woke up in a blind and brief panic, reaching under his pillow for a gun that wasn’t there as a separate pillow hit him in the face.
“Oh good, you’re alive.” Seth said, turning and immediately leaving the room, “it’s like six in the afternoon.” He called over his shoulder, shutting the door behind him.
Neil slumped back into his pillow and then reached for his contacts to go and join the world. He ignored Seth’s explanation about where the others had gone but paid close attention to his mention of bagels in the kitchen. Neil swiped one before leaving the dorms in search of fresh air.
He laid back in the grass behind the dorm and ate his bagel in peace. For all of three minutes.
“Well at least you’re not wasting that.” Andrew mused.
“I think setting my bagel on fire would cause a bit of a scene,” Neil mumbled through his food. Andrew sat next to him and lit a cigarette.
“It’s my turn.” Andrew said, waiting for Neil to nod in agreement. “How wrong, exactly, was Riko’s assumptions about your abandonment issues?”
Well, wasn’t that a question. Neil had been expecting this- something along these lines at least. The second he’d gotten on the bus and had a second to think about all he’d said at the banquet. He’d realized he’d said a bit too much all around. At least it didn’t really matter.
“Very.” He answered, his body would probably be far less scared if his parents had ignored him. “My mother cared about me until the day she died.” In her own way of course. He couldn’t imagine most of what she did coming off as caring, but she’d kept him alive.
“Did you kill her?” Andrew asked.
Neil almost dropped his bagel. Now, he’d brought up her death on purpose- to hopefully distract from the complete lack of mention of his father. But not only had Neil not been expecting to be accused of his mother’s murder, it also wasn’t Andrew’s turn in the game.
“Did you kill yours?” He asked instead of answering.
“Yes.” Andrew said. “I told her what would happen if she hit Aaron again. She didn’t listen.”
Fair enough, if Neil could kill his father he would and he wasn’t exactly in a judging kind of position; just overall considering his entire life. Neil held up his bagel in a mock salute.
Andrew raised an eyebrow- as if he’d been expecting anything else as a response. Neil rolled his eyes.
“Oh I’m sorry, is this another ‘concerning for my mental health’ thing? Would you, the most well adjusted man I’ve ever met, like to tell me how I should respond to you confessing to murder?”
“Meep meep.” Andrew mocked, digging a finger into Neil’s cheek to turn his face away. Neil had no fucking idea what he was talking about.
“Yeah, I definitely know what that means.” Neil swatted at Andrew’s hand. “Thank you- meep meep.”
“Is everything that comes out of your mouth a half-assed lie?” It wasn’t a question. “Meep meep is the only dialogue in Road Runner.”
“Huh, I never had the volume on when I watched it.” He could now, Neil realized, he could go and find a DVD of the show and watch it with the volume as high as it could go. It didn’t matter who snuck up on him now.
Andrew took a drag from his cigarette. “The three of you seemed cozy yesterday. How often is my doppelganger guest starring at the cheerleader’s math lessons?”
Oh fuck that. “Nope- nope. I’m not spending the rest of my life dealing with whatever the fuck is going on between you two. Actually,” Neil turned to face Andrew, waving his bagel around for emphasis. “If you really want to drag me into the middle of this you can give me all the context. At least that way I’d know what to be irritated about.”
He wasn’t Andrew’s spy and he refused to be Aaron’s scapegoat. The next person to try and get Neil to be a part of the Minyard Madness would find out just how badly things went when Neil got involved. He was a fixer- he’d always been. Being on the run meant having to use your own hands to get yourself out of every possible problem. Not necessarily the right way, or the kindest way. Which meant no one would like how Neil fixed this if they kept bothering him about it.
“Fine. Why did you stay with Renee during the banquet?” The ‘when you avoid her most of the time’ went without saying.
“The same reason you let Katelyn come. Safety in numbers.” Neil got up and shoved the last of his bagel into his mouth- having decided that he was tired of talking. He gave Andrew a two fingered salute and headed back into Fox Tower.
He found his dorm in a state. Dan and Matt unpacking various alcohol bottles as Allison and Seth argued over music. Neil sat down on the couch without asking, someone would explain unprompted. The upperclassmen loved talking almost as much as they loved weird bets.
“The Monsters are getting us fucked up tonight. You drink right?” Allison asked, pulling a CD out of Seth’s hand and frowning at it in distaste. Renee came in, leaving the door open and setting a box of cookies on the counter.
Neil shook his head and then realized she wasn’t looking. “No, I don’t”
Seth tried to snatch the CD back but Allison held it over his head- her heels made her a good four inches taller than him.
“That’s okay Neil,” Renee said, dropping onto the couch next to him. “I don’t drink either. We can be mocktail buddies.”
“How’d they get Andrew to agree to this?” Neil asked in a low voice.
“Free alcohol,” she said.
Neil thought that if it were as simple as that Andrew would be drunk 24/7 and the team wouldn’t be divided.
Seth gave up on getting the CD and just slung Allison over his shoulder, she laughed, dropping the CD and weakly smacking at his back while demanding he put her down.
“Hey!” Matt yelled as his CD cluncked against the floor.
“Yet, put me down before I break you.” Allison said, still laughing, kicking her legs in the air- again with far less power then she would if she really wanted to get down.
Seth grumbled but put Allison down once she agreed to some CD Neil didn’t recognize the name of.
Kevin was the first to arrive, exactly ten seconds before the cousins. He made a beeline for the countertop full of drinks only to be intercepted by Dan with both her arms out.
“Absolutely not Day, this isn’t just a get shitfaced Sunday. We have a purpose tonight, as a team.” She told him, looking around him as Nicky and Aaron came into the room. “Fancy. Cocktails.” She gestured to the table and swiped a bottle of whiskey in one flourish.
Nicky cracked his knuckles and grinned. “Mission accepted Captain.” He said, stepping up to the counter.
Aaron shook his head but stepped up next to him.
Dan went to where Andrew was still standing in the doorway and handed him the bottle she’d grabbed. He accepted it and crossed the room, joining Neil and Renee on the couch.
“DRINKS. DRINKS. DRINKS.” Matt started chanting, the others joining in as Nicky and Aaron began making drinks. Nicky performed some tricks and winked every three seconds. Aaron, pretty much just poured liquids into cups as everyone yelled around him.
Neil watched it all with a ghost of fascination. This was the third party he’d ever been to. If he counted Eden’s Twilight and the Banquet as parties. So maybe it was actually his first.
The Foxes started playing a drinking game after the first round, Neil couldn’t follow the rules. He didn’t really need to- as he wasn’t drinking or playing. Renee and Andrew weren’t playing either. Although Andrew was drinking. Kevin said he was playing, but was mostly just drinking. And Aaron had said he wouldn’t play but then Nicky had begged and so he did.
It involved two decks of cards and a lot of yelling. It was an odd thing, watching the Foxes. Neil usually put himself on the outside of them. Observing and listening without participating if he wasn’t outright avoiding. But it was as he watched them play this game, that wasn’t Exy, that he really saw just how much space there was between them.
Maybe if Neil was going to live, maybe if he would ever be free- truly free from his father, maybe then he could laugh and drink or at the very least learn how to. Learn how to be a college student and not just a dying thing.
He glanced at Andrew and Renee. They both put themselves on the outside too but it was different with them. Allison called Renee over yelling that she could just drink water. She smiled serenely and got up off the couch. Andrew took another long sip from the bottle Dan had given him.
Neither of them were as separate from the team as they tried to make it seem. Renee might not drink or take sides but she was always there. And Andrew might- well Andrew might be Andrew with his knives and homicidal smile. But at the very least as long as Kevin, Aaron, and Nicky were a part of the team he was to.
And far from the least Neil had noticed plenty. Had noticed how the upperclassmen had waited until the last possible moment to tell Neil that Andrew played games sober. That during that first game Andrew had stepped between Matt and the massive opponent he punched. That Matt had known to run to Andrew in the first place. Neil figured that probably hadn’t been the first time something like that had happened.
Neil watched Andrew watch the team play their drinking game and Neil thought that as much as everyone said the team was fractured into pieces- despite the fact that Neil had counted out four separate groups when he first got there. The team was only broken in two. The Foxes. And Neil.
The game dissolved as Nicky and Aaron made another round of drinks. A very drunk Kevin slumped into the couch inbetween Andrew and Neil.
“Will you tell me something?” Kevin asked in low slurring French.
Andrew glanced at the two of them but said nothing.
“Why’d you call him second best?” Kevin asked. It was one of the dumbest questions Neil had ever heard.
“Because he is. You’re better than him.” Neil answered. It would only inflate Kevin’s ego if he remembered it although with all the Foxes there and a majority drinking it didn’t seem as if Kevin had managed to get as drunk as he had at Eden’s. Maybe that had something to do with why Andrew had agreed to this.
Kevin blinked rapidly and then got back up to rejoin the others.
Andrew looked pointedly at Neil.
“I don’t report to you and it’s still my turn.” Neil told him.
The drive to Blackwell University would only be four hours. They won, or lost depending on how much you like throwing parties, the lottery to host the fall banquet that year. Apparently it was supposed to be a two day event, but the Foxes would arrive Saturday and leave Saturday.
When time came to load onto the bus it wasn’t a surprise that Nicky had a date- some dude named Jim from his acting class. However, Neil did find himself genuinely surprised that Katelyn was there. Apparently Aaron had finally asked her to be his date. The Foxes exchanged money as Andrew completely ignored her presence. Neil would have been curious about that response if he wasn’t too busy being relieved that he wasn’t getting dragged into the couple’s shit.
They all piled onto the bus, everyone going to their usual seats. Neil made for his, but Katelyn caught the sleeve of his sweatshirt and tugged him into the seat with her Aaron. So much for being relieved.
“Study with me?” She asked, “I brought snacks.” He would have said no, he would have gone to his usual seat. But Katelyn, the mad woman, pulled out a container of strawberries because she was an evil evil convening fiend. So instead, Neil squeezed into the seat with her and Aaron.
“God, your handwriting fucking sucks.” Neil told her as she handed him the container and opened up her notebook on their laps. Neil caught on to the lack of any noise on the bus and looked up. Everyone was standing around staring at them. “Oh I’m sorry, is this a group activity?” Neil asked.
“Are you friends?” Allison asked.
“I don’t have friends.” Neil pointed out.
“Hey,” both Seth and Nicky complained at the same time before looking at each other in distress.
“You don’t think we’re friends?” Matt asked.
“This is your fault,” Neil said to Katelyn. “Why would we be friends?” It was a genuine question. He wasn’t nice to any of them, they barely knew anything about him that wasn’t a sarcastic lie, he didn’t understand where the confusion was coming from. Although he’d never had friends before so he supposed his reference point of half-assed observation might be off.
“You are so stupid it’s almost tragic.” Aaron said.
“Figure this shit out sitting down,” Coach ordered, pointedly starting the bus. He waited until everyone was seated to pull out of the parking lot.
Neil took the minute of silence to immediately start quizzing Katelyn on formulas. They weren’t friends. Neil didn’t have friends- he may not know what exactly constitutes friendship but he was fairly certain you had to be a real person to have friends.
The other’s seemed to understand that Neil wasn’t in the mood for their shit and went about their business.
“Hey,” Katelyn whispered when Aaron had fallen asleep almost halfway through the drive. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For knocking out Dustin.”
“I literally do not know who that is.”
“Yesterday? With a skateboard. Aaron told me.” oh so that’s what that guy’s name was.
“It wasn’t difficult.” Neil said.
Katelyn laughed. “Maybe not for you, but still, thank you.”
“I could have taken him.” Aaron murmured against the window of the bus- half asleep.
Neil rolled his eyes. Katelyn pressed her hand to her mouth to hold back her laughter.
“Are you two nerds still studying?” Aaron asked.
“Oh, I’m sorry, is the pre-med major calling me a nerd?” Neil asked.
“Hey! I’m pre-med.” Katelyn exclaimed, offended.
“Yeah, you’re both nerds. Not me.”
“How many math classes are you taking again?” Aaron asked.
Not enough, Neil thought. “Shut up,” Neil said. He was not a nerd for understanding math.
The sight of the Blackwell stadium rose into view with Kevin’s hyperventilating. The bus grew silent as Andrew attempted to get Kevin to calm down. The vodka Coach had packed worked a lot better. Neil wasn’t exactly thrilled to be spending so much time with Riko or Tetsuji either. As if either man recognized him, Neil would die sooner rather than later. But he hadn’t grown up with them.
The only time Kevin had mentioned Tetsuji he’d called him “master” which really told everything Neil needed to know about what growing up in the nest was like.
Blackwell let the Foxes use the away team locker rooms to get dressed. Neil had gotten ready the fastest out of everyone, going to wait in the middle room between the men’s and women’s lockers. When allison came out of the women’s room with Katelyn, Dan and Renee, she made a beeline for Neil. He tried to duck out of her grasp but it was no good.
Allison straightened his collar, tugged on his sleeves and ruffled his hair before giving him a smug smile and turning to the others.
“Am I good or am I great?” She asked.
She’d put him in a sheer white button up and a black blazer with dark orange bits on it. He’d considered not wearing it until Allison had showed up in his dorm that morning saying “I have the sneaking suspicion you’ve never worn a suit before,’ and then had handed him a tank top to wear under the shirt.
His scars were hidden so he wasn’t uncomfortable persay, although it was definitely made to fit him tighter then he’d ever wear on his own.
“You look very nice Neil.” Renee said.
“Fox colors,” Dan agreed. The rest of the men started filing out of the bathroom.
“It has no pockets.” Neil observed.
Andrew reached over and ripped open one of the jacket pockets before continuing on his way to the door.
“Huh?” Neil inspected it. “They sew them shut?” He asked.
“It keeps them fresh.” Allison answered.
“The pockets?” Neil pulled at the other pocket seeing the loose threads stitching it shut. He ripped it open not understanding why anyone would do that.
“It’s amazing watching you discover the world.” Allison observed.
“I’ve seen plenty.” Neil shook his head. Just because he didn’t know about fancy pockets or eyedrops didn’t mean he’d grown up under some sort of rock. It just meant he had other things to worry about at the time.
Neil realized that discovering his pockets would be the only good part of the day approximately five minutes later when the Foxes walked into the court.
First off- right away Neil noticed that the court was being used as the dining/ dance area. And that was horrible enough on it’s own before Dan started cursing and he realized some chucklefuck had decided to put the Foxes at the same table as the Ravens.
None of the Foxes slowed on their route to the table regardless of how ridiculous the matching dressed-all-in-black-sitting-in-matching-poses-Raven’s were. The only reason they were remotely imposing was because Neil knew they were capable of murder. If he hadn’t known that he might have laughed.
Coach asked them all to behave somewhat before going off to the coaches table.
Neil ended up seated between Kevin and Katelyn. With Andrew and the upperclassmen following Kevin and Aaron, Nicky and Nicky’s date on the other side of Katelyn.
Neil attempted to do everyone a favor and tune the Raven’s out as Riko got every other Foxes name wrong. Calling Dan, Hennessey; Seth, Bryan; Renee, Natalie; and Andrew, Doe. Neil was half expecting Riko to pull out some of his own alternative names, there were plenty to choose from if he knew where to look. But no one was talking to Neil.
No, Riko and Jean were making half-veiled threats to most of the Foxes but largely ignoring Neil and it took him a bit before it clicked. And then it did. Riko simply just didn’t know who Neil was. Not who he really was. If Riko knew he was Nathaniel there was no doubt in Neil’s mind that he’d be leveraging the information.
But he really, truly believed that Neil Josten was a real boy. And Neil Josten came from nowhere special, was ignored and neglected by his parents, chasing his dreams in Palmetto. A no one trying to be important, hand picked by Kevin Day himself. And if you were trying to pick out Neil Josten’s weakness on paper- just knowing the backstory that Neil had laid out. Being ignored would be an easy one to pick.
Leaving him alone for a stretch would work just as well as picking at the others insecurities and pasts out loud. At least Riko would think it would. Because he doesn’t know- he just genuinely didn’t.
Neil realized everyone was looking at him, most of the Foxes looking worried as if fearing his reaction.
“What?” Neil asked. He turned to Katelyn, “What?” He asked again.
“Riko asked what your name was, because clearly you’re not important enough to remember.” She stage-whispered to him with wide eyes.
Neil started laughing. “Sorry, sorry.” He said trying to get ahold of himself. “Oh, wow. It’s been a while since I laughed that hard.” He lost it again. Then he got a semblance of a grip. “My name’s Neil, Ne-il.” he said it as slow as possible. “It seems like you’re really struggling with names tonight, so be glad mine’s so easy. Is this supposed to be scary?” He turned to Kevin. “Really? Oh no, Kevin, the Raven’s said we suck whatever shall I do?’ He started laughing again. A distant part of Neil realized he might be having some kind of mental breakdown.
“What are you expecting, really?” Neil asked. “That your low opinion of us will be the final straw? Maybe you’re that self conscious but give us Foxes a little more credit then that. We live on bad press.”
“Excuse me?” Riko asked.
“Neil-” Kevin let out a pained groan.
“You’re excused, I doubt even your over bloated team of self obsessed goths wants you around this long. Go on, run along Rodney.”
“You can’t say that,” Jean said.
“I can say whatever I want, I’ve been told people find it annoying. But I can’t imagine it’s actually worse than this shitty attempt at intimidation.” A glance around showed that about half of the Foxes had their heads in their hands and the other half looked like Christmas had come early. .
“It would do you well to remember your place. We’re the best team-”
“Shut the fuck up, oh my god.” Neil interrupted. “‘We’re the best team,’” he mocked, “‘we have matching outfits,’ give me a break. I’ve seen rabid dogs less try hard than you.”
“Matt, Coach, now.” Dan had one hand over her mouth and the other shoving at Matt’s arm.
Matt seemed vaguely upset at having to leave.
Kevin started sinking lower and lower next to Neil.
“Control your dog,” Jean ordered Kevin in French.
“I have no control here,” Kevin uttered back.
“It’s rude to call people dogs.” Neil said in French. Neil had done it because he was rude, but Jean should show some decorum.
“Who do you think you are?” Jean asked.
“Oh, you’re fearless leader’s got that part right. No one important.” Neil answered before switching to English. “I’m a Fox, we have a bit of a bite.” it felt fairly silly to say, but no more than anything the Raven’s done in the last half hour.
“Careful,” Riko grit out. “Biting dogs get put down.”
“Promise?” Neil asked. “I mean you know all about my abandonment issues right? That’s why you said you didn’t remember me, oh to be forgotten by the second best Exy player,” Neil put his hand over his heart. “You really know where it hurts don’t you Rodney.”
“On your feet,” Wymack interrupted before Riko could lunge across the table and strangle Neil. It was unfortunate, Neil thought he might have actually gotten Riko to kill him right then and there. “Abby is talking to the event coordinators about finding us a new table.”
Neil sighed and got out of his seat. The Foxes cleared out and Abby brought them to their new seat on the outskirts of the event. They’d switched with the coaches- apparently. They all sat back down in the same order they’d been in before.
Kevin immediately began lightly thumping his head against the table. Katelyn had both hands on her mouth.
“I’m sorry, you all look really serious. Was that serious?” She asked, clearly struggling not to laugh.
“Neil,” Seth started. “That man tried to kill me.”
“Well, I never said I was smart.” Neil shrugged. The Foxes dissolved into laughter. Stilted quiet laughter that highlighted both how horrifying it was and how absurd.
“We’re so fucked.” Dan said inbetween laughs.
“Why did you call him Rodney?” Allison asked.
Kevin sat up and turned to Neil. “Do you want to die?” He asked- the only one not laughing.
“I don’t exactly have a choice in dying-” Neil gestured nonchalantly. Especially now that he’d insulted Riko and suggested that the man didn’t know anything about him.
“I for one am surprised our resident loud mouth lasted that long before tying himself a rope for Riko to hang him with.” Andrew observed.
“I wanted to see how long it would take him to talk to me.” And now Riko would probably look deeper into Neil’s past, realize it was fake and find the real length of rope lurking behind the ruse.
“Right, your ‘abandonment’ issues.”
“Well , you see, my parents never came to my Exy games. Ask anyone at Millport and they’ll tell you about how much mr. and mrs. Josten work. I’m neglected, it’s a tragedy.”
“Do you even have parents?” Aaron asked.
Neil shrugged.
Andrew turned to Kevin. “Kevin, Kevin. Is it as bad as you thought it would be?”
“We haven’t even been here an hour and we’re all gonna die.”
“Oh it sounds like someone needs Vodka.” Andrew hummed.
“Yeah, we could all use some Vodka- why should Kevin get to hoard it. Sharing is caring.” Seth said.
“Speak for yourself I want tequila,” Allison said. The upperclassmen groaned.
“Tequila Allison sucks,” Matt complained.
“I want mimosas.” Nicky said. “We should all have mimosa’s tomorrow.”
“See- Nicky gets it. Team Vodka.” Seth leaned across the table with a hand out.
“What?” asked Nicky.
“What do you mean what?”
“Mimosas are champagne and orange juice not Vodka,” Aaron corrected.
“Oh whatever, at least Kevin’s on team Vodka.” Seth sat back down.
“I think I’m having a panic attack.” Kevin said.
“It would be weird if you weren’t.” Katelyn said, leaning over Neil to talk to Kevin. “That guy is intense.”
“Why do you know so much about mimosas anyways?” Seth asked Aaron.
“We worked at a bar for like three years,” Aaron answered in a tone that suggested everyone should know that already.
“Kevin, can you tell me five things you can see?” Katelyn asked.
“This is what I’ve been talking about!” Dan exclaimed, “everyone’s holding back. Aaron, tomorrow I want you to get me fucked up. Why are we only just learning you all can make cocktails.”
“My ever-shortening lifespan-” Kevin started to list.
Oddly, Neil realized, this was the longest all of them have ever held a conversation for without someone threatening murder. Kevin was having a panic attack for the first ten minutes- but by the time the rest of the table filled up with Coaches from other teams, Katelyn had gotten him to calm down. Apparently she had some anxiety disorder and there were like hacks and shit to stop panic attacks.
Neil wasn’t sure if he knew what a panic attack was, but he was fairly certain that he’d been in a state like Kevin’s before.
Neil glanced over at Andrew, but the man seemed too focused on keeping an eye out for stray Raven’s to realize his team was getting along.
After dinner, Wymack came back around to make all the Foxes get up and socialize. Neil lagged back with Andrew and Kevin as the other’s dispersed. Wymack started counting down and Kevin took off, Andrew at his side. But Neil stayed back a second- there was something he was overlooking. Wymack turning them all loose onto the dance floor was bizarre- Riko had already attempted murder for not getting to fuck with Kevin for a sufficent amount of time. Why were they safe here? Witnesses?
He glanced around the court. Oh- of course. It was in a way, because Seth had been alone when he was attacked. But currently Allison was glued to his side. Matt and Dan, Aaron and Katelyn, Andrew and Kevin, Nicky and that guy he brought. This was probably the exact reason Andrew hadn’t reacted to Katelyn. Buddy system.
Neil’s eyes landed on Renee who had followed Allison and Seth away from the table but was now talking to some Breckinridge player on her own. Wymack had gotten down to five in his count. Neil sighed. He waved off the Coach and went over to Renee.
He nodded at the Breckenridge player but didn’t add anything to the conversation. Barely listening as Renee and the woman discussed being goalies. The other woman eventually took her leave and Renee turned to Neil.
“I must say, I’m a bit surprised you’ve decided to accompany me.”
“None of us should be alone.” Neil shrugged. Not then, not with the Raven’s around. Besides if Riko did anything that night it’d be Neil’s fault for calling him a second-best try hard.
“Surprised but not unhappy,” Renee smiled and held out an arm, Neil accepted his fate as Renee’s tagalong for the night and put his arm through hers.
They made rounds, Neil left most of the conversation to Renee, instead keeping an eye on the Ravens. It seemed they’d taken on a divide and conquer strategy. Which was annoying as it meant that he couldn’t keep eyes on every member of the team. He just had to trust that everyone was sticking to their date.
A few “ran into” Neil and Renee and started to regale them with how horrible they were at offense and defense, untilt the Raven’s realized they weren’t getting a repeat performance from Neil and that all Renee had for them was an aura of disappointed energy.
After hearing a ruckus, they’d found a pissed off Dan and smug Matt who’d just gotten rid of their Ravens. Apparently they’d made some comments about Dan’s previous job until she punched one of them in the dick. Neil was sort of mad he missed it.
Before too long all the Foxes had gathered at one section of wall and Wymack found them- having deemed that they’d spent enough time at the party they all made to leave. Kevin seemed worse for wear- Neil assumed he’d run into Tetsuji, but Andrew wouldn’t have left him alone. And clearly hadn’t as Kevin was still alive and with the foxes.
“Stealing my date, Josten?” Andrew asked with a pointed look at their arms. Neil hadn’t known that Andrew and Renee were there together. He raised an eyebrow back at Andrew.
“I was very vocal about not bringing a date, but if we’re going to get all technical about who spent the most time with who- I think yours was Kevin not Renee.”
Renee seemed amused.
“Et tu brute?” Andrew asked Renee.
“How was Kevin?” She asked innocently.
Neil felt eyes on himself as they left the court. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Riko staring him down. Ah well- life had been terrible while it lasted. He didn’t think it had exactly been his best work insult wise- but Neil was proud enough to die by it. There was something vindicating about knowing Riko or Andrew killing him. At least they both had fair reasons- Neil’s dad wanted to kill him for existing.
Well- running. But still that wasn’t nearly as good as being killed for any of the many reasons Andrew or Riko might. Although if he had his pick Andrew would kill him for stealing his date or something. That seemed like it’d be quick
“If you want to kill me Andrew, you’ll have to do it soon. It seems my terminal stupidity is reaching advanced stages.”
On Thursday, after a week of nights spent doing it automatically every twenty minutes, when regular afternoon practice devolved into arguing Neil just opened his mouth and shrieked until everyone stopped.
Well- he shrieked until he realized what he was doing.
“What THE FUCK?” Dan asked the second he stopped. Kevin and Seth immediately dissolved into laughter, as they were used to this.
Neil opened his mouth and then realized he didn’t have a good explanation for why he’d just done that. So he closed his mouth without a word.
“He-” Seth tried to get ahold of himself and failed.
“At night practice whenever me and Seth start arguing he does that,” Kevin pointed at Neil. “To get us to stop.”
“Fucking animal,” Seth croaked.
“That works?” Allison asked.
“You go to the night practices?” Nicky asked. “And make Neil scream all night with Kevin? Kinky.”
“Listen, you little fa-”
“Seth.” Neil interrupted him. He could already see this sparking another fight and his throat was sore as is. “Pull your head out of your ass, no one else says that shit.” Even Aaron didn’t go as far as Seth with the homophobic bullshit and Aaron said a lot of shit that clearly made Nicky uncomfortable.
Everyone was silent for a moment, Seth looking around as if he’d only just realized he didn’t have the team’s support against Nicky.
“Who said you assholes could take a break to gossip!” Coach yelled.
The next day would be the game against USC-Columbia, which meant practice ended with a minor argument between Nicky and Wymack. As Nicky wanted to take a separate car to the game, tomorrow, so the Minyard Bunch could go to Eden’s after. And Wymack wanted everyone to remain sober and in scolding distance so close to the banquet.
As in thirty-eight hours close. So far Neil had avoided having to get a date for it, but something about the fact that Aaron had yet to ask Katelyn reeked of schemes.
Schemes were-sadly but not surprisingly- confirmed after practice when Neil was walking back from the store with cigarettes.
“Hey, Neil!” Katelyn yelled, running to catch up to him. “What’s up?”
He shook the pack of cigarettes, Katelyn made a face but apparently decided the argument wouldn’t be worth it.
“So, I’ve got an idea,” she said. Neil immediately had concerns. “We’ve got that quiz next week right?” She asked.
“We do.” They did, he couldn’t disagree with fact.
“What if we studied together, Saturday?” Saturday, as in the day of the banquet. As in the day Neil would be on a bus for most of the day. As in the day of the event that Neil had dodged having a date for with all the elegance and poise of someone who had avoided people for his entire life.
“Katelyn, You said no one-“
“Was asking you for anything, but math- am I?”
Neil stopped walking and turned to her.
“I’m not asking you to the banquet,” She assured him. “Or asking you to ask me to the banquet. I’m asking you to study with me and also maybe- just not outright say I’m not your date?”
“Lying by omission is still lying.”
“What are you, Catholic?”
“Why do you two even think that lying is the best way to deal with this? Andrew values honesty? Just fucking go together?” Neil could tell and he didn’t even spend much time with Andrew that’s how obvious it was. Aaron was related to the fucker, why was he instead wrapping his relationship in nine layers of subterfuge and Neil.
“Because it’s complicated, they have some deal or something. Aaron’s never told me all the details but whatever it is it means this is the only way.”
It sort of made sense. Neil could believe Andrew having made some convoluted deal. He could believe Aaron being dumb enough to take a deal and then try to get around it.
“Whatever, it’s your bad choices- two things Katelyn, two things. I’m not Catholic and I’m not taking anyone to the banquet. I’ve said that loudly and often and no one would believe otherwise without me getting directly involved. And I refuse to.” For a moment he thought she was going to argue.
“Fair enough,” she sighed. “Thank you for hearing me out.” She tapped him on the shoulder and then jogged back to wherever it was she had come from.
The bus ride to the game Friday was short. He spent it listening to the Foxes chat and staring at the ceiling of the bus and thinking about the impending banquet. Kevin hadn’t recognized Neil and honestly after spending so much time around the man he understood why. Kevin had too many things to worry about to remember Neil.
The real question was would Riko. Neil figured he’d be able to avoid Riko enough all night to not risk it. They hadn’t won yet, it would be no good if Riko got him killed before the Foxes could pull it together.
Neil sat down with Renee, Allison, and Nicky as the rest of the Foxes went to their starting positions.
The whistle blew, the game started. Dan had first deal, she passed it to Seth as everyone ran about the court.
“Holy shit,” Allison said.
Neil found himself agreeing as they all watched Seth actually cooperate for once. He passed to Kevin, he didn’t body slam any of the Foxes. He passed to Kevin. He flipped off Kevin, but only once.
“Well,” Nicky said.
Neil had spent every night that week getting inbetween the two of them, the fact that they weren’t throwing punches was enough for him to be amazed.
He went in for Seth, clacking racquets as they passed each other.
Neil would never tire of this. The timer counting down, the crowds cheers fading out as everything narrowed down to the court. Time didn’t exist, his father didn’t exist. Neil didn’t exist. He was just a striker, running for the goal. It was the most alive he ever felt.
They won. 8-6. Kevin and Seth each got three and Neil got two. He almost couldn’t believe it, staring at the scoreboard.
The Foxes went nuts. They were louder than the crowd, slamming into each other with shouts of pure joy.
Neil found himself yelling along, jumping with them. He still didn’t believe it but he knew it was true.
The mood stayed with them. Coach gave them a proud smile and a nod before telling Renee and Kevin to do press and the rest of them to change out.
They’d done it, hadn’t they. The Foxes. They’d really won. It’s like they hadn’t before, they’d gotten to championships the year before Neil had joined. But that’s the issue wasn’t it, that they hadn’t won a single game with Neil on their team until then.
But they won, and Neil played, and Neil scored. So it wasn’t him, not completely, that had been losing them games. It wasn’t his fault.
The drive back seemed shorter, probably because Neil passed out after ten minutes and didn’t wake up until they were back in Palmetto.
The upperclassmen invited everyone back to the girls dorm to celebrate. Andrew laughed and then left. Kevin followed after him with a shrug. Nicky seemed like he wanted to party with the others but followed Andrew and Kevin back to the dorms. Aaron claimed he needed to study with classmates. Neil figured he was just going to see Katelyn.
Neil didn’t really want to party, whatever that entailed. But he was wide awake from his nap so he sat down on the floor in the girls room and watched everyone talk. They were all still bragging and discussing the game.
“Who knew all you needed to get along with Kevin was Neil yelling at you every night for a week,” Allison laughed.
“He gets fucking- high pitched, I’m surprised no one called the cops,” Seth said.
Neil had seen regular people… interact- be friends? Before. He’d gone to middle school and high school. But still, it was odd being around it so long. As dysfunctional as the Foxes were, as much as he avoided them, they were the longest Neil had spent around anyone other than his mother.
Watching them just be was odd enough. Watching them all be so happy. Neil wrapped his arms around his legs and five minutes later still couldn’t decipher what he was feeling.
Allison, Seth, and Renee left to get drinks and snacks. Neil leaned his head against his knee and watched Matt and Dan have a silent conversation.
“Neil-” Dan started. “Whatever you’re doing- could you keep doing it? Do it more?” What in the everloving fuck was she talking about. Play Exy? Be hostile? Neil didn’t do much and figured she wasn’t talking about his cigarette habit or the fact that he was dying.
“What?” He asked.
“The team’s divided Neil, but you… You’re right inbetween, if you can bring Seth and Kevin together, you could fix the team.”
“I had nothing to do with that, Seth decided to come to night practice on his own. I don’t know why everyone thinks I’m here to save the team or help or whatever. Go ask Renee for a savior.” Neil wasn’t even a real person, it was ridiculous to expect this much from him.
“Renee won’t take sides,” Matt said. “And we aren’t asking you to save us, dickhead. Just keeping yelling people into working together.”
Dan nodded.
Neil hadn’t planned on changing any of his behavior anyways. He got to his feet and left before they could ask him to do something else.
He left the dorms, he didn’t go to his usual spot on the off chance Andrew felt like having a chat to request Neil playing the saxophone or something. Instead he lit a cigarette and just wandered campus.
There was a lot to observe on a Friday night. Drunk people roaming from party to party. A group of people playing baseball in a parking lot. Aaron arguing with someone. A raccoon trying to knock over a garbage can.
Neil dropped his cigarette and turned on his heel. Aaron was across the street yelling at some guy. Neil couldn’t make out the words as he put his head in his hands and wondered why he was still alive. Neil crept across the street diagonally, moving silently, both men too caught up in whatever bullshit to notice him.
And Neil could have kept walking, of course he could of. But he saw Aaron shifting one leg back, his fist clenching and unclenching. And Neil understood that in under a minute Aaron was gonna swing. He understood violence intimately, Neil had been raised with knives and guns. He knew what violence looked like. He knew for a fact that Aaron was going to swing. And he knew for a fact that if Aaron got a black eye Andrew would burn down the campus.
So Neil crept across the street and looked for something to use. Ah, he swiped up an abandoned skateboard and weighed it in his hands.
“You Fucking Disgusting Little Creep,” Aaron spat at the man, his right arm coming back gearing up for the hit. Neil swung first. The Creep went down like a ton of bricks. “Josten, what the fuck!?” Aaron asked at an uncalled for volume.
“Oh I’m sorry, did you want to watch your brother get thrown in prison for murder after you came back with a broken nose?”
“I- fuck you, I wouldn’t have gotten hit!” Aaron sputtered.
Neil glanced around. “Let’s fucking go before he wakes up, who is he by the way?” Neil tossed the skateboard back into the grass and started moving.
“Goddammit Neil,” Aaron ran after him. “He’s Katelyn’s math tutor.”
“What, did you decide to beat him into competence?”
“No, he’s-” Aaron groaned. “He’s a fucking creep, he was following her around last year and got a job tutoring just to stalk her. He fucking tracked me down to yell about how I’m bad for her and how he could kick my ass.”
“Well, he was taller than you.”
“Maybe I’ll tell Andrew you tried to hit me.”
“Yeah okay.” All things considered Andrew wasn’t the worst person to be murdered by.
On Monday while Neil was preoccupied with English assignments and ignoring his phone. He found himself faced with Katelyn and Aaron, standing shoulder to shoulder. Well, as close to shoulder to shoulder the two could get, considering Katelyn was a foot taller than Aaron.
“Please?” Katelyn finished. Neil had ignored most of the request. The first few words were enough for him to understand that for some reason her university ordered tutor was still incompetent or whatever and she needed to not fail Calc. He could tell that was the truth in the same way he could tell it wasn’t the whole truth. His hand was already wrapped around the strap of his backpack ready to leave, he didn’t want to be a part of whatever clusterfuck this secretly was. But the memory of Allison bothering him all day Saturday about a date for the banquet stopped him.
“Fine, I’ll help you. But you need to make sure none of the other Foxes try to set me up with your cheerleaders.”
“Are you actually gay? I’ve never seen a man avoid cheerleaders this hard?” Aaron asked.
“I have no interest in anyone, do you want my help or not?”
“It’s a deal,” Katelyn stuck out a hand to shake, Neil ignored her in favor of pulling his workbook out of his bag.
A loud piercing sound rang out. A text notification on his phone. He pulled the phone out and then tossed it onto the floor under the table, maybe it’d be quieter there.
Katelyn bent down.
“Leave it.”
“You have a phone?” She asked, standing back up and sitting down at the table. Aaron taking the chair next to her.
“No, I have a shrieking little mechanical monster that Coach said I can’t get rid of.” Neil hadn’t sweated the marathon threat but then Wymack had switched to threatening Neil with something called ‘the buddy system.’ It sounded horrendous, so he had the phone with him.
“You do know you can switch off the ringer, right?” She asked.
He did know that, it’s just that Neil was used to burner phones and only one person messaging him. The beast Allison had bought him had too many buttons and it seemed like half the team had something to say to him. He leaned down and picked the phone back, dropping it onto the table as it dinged again. “How do I make it stop?” He asked.
“Can I see it?” Katelyn asked.
He slid the phone over to her. She picked it up and started to fiddle with it.
“So, are either of you going to tell me the real reason I’m the only possible person who could help you with this?” He decided to get it out of the way first, seeing no reason to pretend he ddin’t know there was more at play here.
Katelyn looked up from the beast and glanced at Aaron.
“Talking to me at the game but not Aaron, ‘don’t tell Andrew,” He mimicked Aaron’s voice. “How stupid do you think I am?”
“That’s not how I sound!” Aaron argued.
“Yes it is, now out with it. If I’m being a scapegoat I’d like to know what for.” It was their own fault for being so obvious about having something to hide.
“It’s none of your business.” Aaron said, the audacious motherfucker.
“You made it my business asshole, if you don’t want to get into the specifics that’s fine just give me the overview.” Neil twirled a finger.
Katelyn put a hand on Aaron’s arm.
“Andrew is… overprotective and he doesn’t like me.” Katelyn started to carefully explain. “But if you and I are friends then I have a reason to be around more that he can’t argue with.”
He saw some reason in it, because Andrew could argue with Aaron, but historically and quite publicly had no control over Neil. Neil had doubts about being capable of preventing Andrew from doing anything, much less anything to Katelyn if he really didn’t want her around Aaron. More than that he had no motive whatsoever to even attempt that to begin with.
“First off- we’re not friends. You don’t know me, I don’t know you. Secondly, why the fuck am I the choice here, I’m sure any of the upperclassmen would love being apart of your inane schemes. Thirdly, what makes you think I’d do anything to prevent Andrew from getting rid of you?”
“I thought you weren’t that stupid,” Aaron said. “None of us are allowed to socialize with the upperclassmen, you haven’t picked a side so you’re the only option.”
A side- why couldn’t everyone just play Exy. There was no good reason for any of the drama on the team- or well if there was a good reason Neil certainly didn’t know it.
“Besides,” Katelyn cut in. “No one’s asking you to do anything but help me with my math homework and you already agreed to that.”
She made a compelling argument. And Neil realized for a moment just how profoundly unlucky he was. He imagined the world where Katelyn had asked for help with English homework and Neil refused immediately. The world where Wymack asked him to join his baseball team and Neil lived. Anything but Exy and Math and he’d be in South America, still on the run, instead of a dead man in a library.
Neil sighed and pulled out his workbook.
Katelyn and Aaron weren’t that bad. None of the Foxes were that bad, they were annoying assholes who made obnoxious decisions. But no one had stabbed him yet- yes, the bar was really that low.
The eye drops were nice. It was odd to not feel the need to rub at his eyes every five minutes. He hadn’t realized just how bad it was until he realized his headache was gone. That he didn’t really remember when it had started.
Neil knew Exy, he knew survival, running, he knew hundreds of ways to kill a man and very few of them were slow. But he didn’t know eye drops existed. There were gaps in his personhood that he realized would never be filled. He was honestly surprised he’d lived long enough to find out about the drops. For his headache to go away.
It came back that night when he heard the tell tale knock of Kevin at the door and Seth got up with him.
“What?” Neil asked, his hand freezing right above the door knob.
“What do you mean? What?” Seth asked, pulling on his sneakers.
“What do you mean? What do I mean? What?”
“NEIL!” Kevin yelled through the door.
Neil opened the door. “Just a minute, Kevin.” He told the confused man before shutting the door again. “What are you doing?” He asked Seth.
“I’m coming with you.”
Neil wondered what he’d done to deserve this. “Why?”
“You told me to start listening to Kevin- what’s the issue am I intruding on some gay shit or is it Exy?”
“You’re fucking insuffrable, is the issue.”
“You’re the one that told Renee to go to the bar with us. You little shit. You care about me.”
“Care is a fucking stretch,” Neil ignored Kevin’s knocking as it started again.
“Then why bother? Telling her to go with us or calling Allison the other day?”
“Because,” Neil said. “If you die then when I’m inevitably murdered the team will be too small to play.” The extent of Neil’s courtesy, it would just be rude.
“I genuinely can’t tell if you’re joking right now or not.”
Neil shrugged.
“Whatever, stop being a dick because you didn’t expect me to listen to you.”
“Why are you listening to me?” Neil hissed..
“I WILL LEAVE WITHOUT YOU!” Kevin yelled through the door.
Neil swung open the door again. “Kevin, chill the fuck out!” He tried to shut the door again, but Kevin shouldered right into it, stepping into the dorm.
“What is going on?” He asked, loudly.
“I’m coming to night practice.” Seth declared.
Kevin’s eyes went wide and he blinked slowly. He looked at Neil.
“You know what,” Neil decided this wasn’t his problem. “I’m going downstairs.” He walked quickly, hearing Seth and Kevin following him but not stopping or looking back.
“We actually practice, Gordan,” Kevin informed him. “I know that’s a difficult concept for you so if you’re just coming to be useless- don’t.”
“You see, this is why you’re not captain, Day. You don’t own the court, I can practice if I want to.”
“If I have to listen to the two of you argue all night,” Neil started slamming the elevator button and then giving up. “I don’t know what I’ll do but it’ll be fucked up.”
“This was your idea!” Seth groaned.
Kevin smacked Neil on the arm.
“It wasn’t, I didn’t say come to night practice and antagonize Kevin. I said get better at Exy and stop antagonizing everyone!”
“Right because no one else on the team is antagonizing,” Seth argued. “Kevin literally just called me useless.”
“Because you are.”
Neil had been tortured a few times, well more then a few really, growing up. This felt worse. On the brightside there was a good chance that when Andrew saw Seth was coming with he’d just kill Neil anyways.
“You’re so encouraging Kevin-”
“Shut up,” Neil cut him off. “You are both going to shut the fuck up right now or I will just scream over until you do.”
They both managed to keep it down to muttering until they walked out of the building. Andrew waiting in his car. As they approached Andrew rolled his window down. “That is not allowed in my car.” He said pointing directly at Seth.
Seth threw his hands up in the air, but went over to Allison’s car, unlocking it and slamming the door behind him.
Neil got into the backseat of Andrew’s car, Kevin in the passenger seat.
“Why am I being subjected to Exy and Seth so late at night?” Andrew asked.
“Ask Neil,” Kevin deflected.
“This is not my fault.” Neil said.
“Then who’s is it? The invisible man?”
“Seth’s the one who decided he was joining practice. But if we need someone else to blame, maybe Riko for the attempted murder.” Neil offered.
Kevin flinched against the window.
“Weak link was your word choice, wasn’t it?” Andrew laughed.
“I didn’t think he’d listen.”
Andrew pulled out of the parking lot, Seth following. They all got out of the cars and went into the stadium. Andrew stopped Seth from following Neil and Kevin into the locker room for a minute. Neil didn’t wait for him, nor did he ask what Andrew said. The fact that Seth was both alive and still there was shocking enough.
During the practice whenever Seth and Kevin got too annoying, instead of taking sides Neil would just scream until they both stopped. Then Neil would go quiet and for a moment all they could hear in the court was Andrew laughing.
They ended early, but no one died. And somehow no actual fight broke out between the other two strikers, so Neil counted it as a success. Kevin got changed first and left the locker room, leaving Neil and Seth alone.
Neil shut his locker and turned to leave as well.
“It’s because you were right.” Seth said into his own locker. He was dressed but he hadn’t shut it yet.
“What?”
“I decided to listen to you because I knew you were right. If I had died that night… they wouldn’t have cared. Not for long. Because they would have won the game Friday. It would have been a real inspiration. ‘Foxes prevail after losing one of their own. Win first game of the season.’” He shut the locker quietly. “I refuse to be worth more dead.”
Neil crept out of the dorms that night, around two in the morning. He went around to his spot and sat down in the grass behind the dormitory. It was cold but he didn’t shiver, he just lit a cigarette and watched the smoke rise.
He closed his eyes and thought he could hear the ocean. The roaring of a bonfire. He still didn’t shiver, even as he could feel that breeze, smell burning flesh.
“You’re wasting nicotine,” Andrew drawled from behind him. Neil applauded himself for not visibly jumping at the sudden noise.
Neil leaned back, looking at Andrew upside down. “Sure,” he said with a shrug.
“So this is where you’re always scampering off to,” he observed.
“I don’t think I’ve ever scampered in my life.” Neil narrowed his eyes. “Is there a bet about this?”
“You scamper constantly. Skittish squirrels scamper.” Andrew answered, laughing. “There’s a lot of bets about you, including where you run off to and about you speaking French- you’re just full of surprises. I hate surprises by the way.”
“Oh no, I’d never want to upset you, Minyard.” Neil sighed. “If this is going to be a whole thing you might as well sit down- unless you’re allergic to grass or something.” Mostly Neil was just tired of the angle his head was at. He didn’t think Andrew would actually sit down- but he did. A fair two feet away, Andrew plopped down in the grass and lit his own cigarette.
A moment passed in silence, Neil put his eyes back on his own cigarette. He took a drag to prevent it from dying. “Why are you here?” He found himself asking after a moment.
“Bored.” Andrew answered eloquently.
“Wasn’t practice tonight entertaining enough?”
“Watching Seth bleed a little would be more entertaining.”
“Well, I’m sure sooner or later he’ll do something to make you stab him.”
“Surprise me with something like that again and I might stab you.”
“Yeah, I’ll be sure to call you next time someone decides they’re joining night practice.” Neil lied. Not even death would make him want to use his phone.
“Hm,” Andrew hummed. “I heard that you didn’t go to the little team meeting last week where Nicky shared some family secrets?”
Neil raised an eyebrow, it was an odd non-sequitur. “I didn’t, it wasn’t my business.”
“You’re not curious at all?”
It’s not that Neil was curious, it’s that he knew that if he were acting more like himself he’d be endlessly curious. When he was trying to survive he needed information. Information was everything. If he’d come to Palmetto with the intention of living after it, he’d have gone into the dorms with the Foxes and asked Nicky every question. He’d probably stick his nose into everyone’s life until he was sure there was no secret bomb waiting to go off that’d get him too.
“I wouldn’t say that, it just seemed like a you problem.”
“How about this, we play a little honesty game. I ask you a question, you ask me for one. Truth for a truth.”
“Why?”
“Is that your question?”
“Is that yours? I haven’t agreed to play yet.”
“Like I said, I’m bored. I hate surprises and you seem to cause one every other day.” Andrew explained. He wanted a warning. It seemed fair.
Neil took another drag from his cigarette. “There’s some shit I won’t answer.” He told Andrew.
“Likewise.”
“Fine then, ask away.”
“What other languages do you speak?”
Oh Neil was absolutely getting stabbed. “Well, French- obviously. My Spanish sucks, so does my Portugues. I’m conversational in Italian, okay-ish in Greek.” He glanced at Andrew. “Pretty fluent in German.”
“What’d I say about surprises?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, when was I supposed to share that tidbit of information. When you were pretending to be Aaron to fuck with me, my first day here, or when you drugged me?”
“Is that your question?”
“Fuck off.” Neil took a second to think about it. “Why’d you get a phone call from the police?”
“I thought it wasn’t your business.”
“Yes, well, you brought it up.”
“Children’s services is opening an investigation into one of my foster fathers.” Andrew stared at his cigarette for a moment. “Pig Higgins knew I lived with them, so he called me looking for a testimony.”
“Was it a surprise?” Neil asked.
“It’s my turn. How’d you meet the cheerleader?”
“I don’t know if you know this, but she goes to Palmetto.” Neil answered. “I’m helping her with math homework.”
“Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? I thought you didn’t swing.”
“I don’t, what the fuck is everyone’s obsession with fucking?” Neil felt a rant coming on. “Is there some kind of banner or some shit I can wave so everyone stops with this shit. I’m helping Katelyn with math homework, I have no interest in whatever it is kids are calling it these days! Jesus fucking Christ.” He hadn’t realized how fed up he’d gotten with no one believing him about his own sexuality, or lack thereof. Then he looked down and realized he’d snapped his cigarette in half. He put out the still smoldering end and then lit a new cigarette.
“Are you sticking with the same question?” Andrew asked instead of commenting on Neil’s minor breakdown.
“What?”
“‘Was it a surprise,’ is that still your question?”
Neil nodded.
“Yes.” Andrew answered. “You don’t smoke.” It wasn’t a question. “Why light it then?” Andrew asked after a long moment.
“I like the smell.” It centered him, put things into perspective, reminded him of his future. He flicked the ash off his cigarette- scattered to the four winds that’s where he’d be. “What do you get out of your deal with Kevin? It can’t be his companionship.”
“Irritated, is what I get.” Andrew considered the question. “He said he’d give me something to base my life around after I got sober.”
“We both know all he has is Exy, I thought you hated it?” He mocked Andrew’s voice.
“I don’t sound like that, but yes Kevin is under the delusion that I’ll care once I’m sober. I won’t but it’s funny to watch him hope.”
“What do you care about?” Neil asked.
“It’s not your turn,” Andrew stood up. “And I think I’ve had enough for the night, I’ll save mine for later.”
Somehow, in much the same line of confusing dominoes that had turned a little league exy game into a blood bath. Getting a drunk Seth off the dorm floor had turned into going shopping with Allison.
“Help me get him to the car,” “help me get him to Abby’s,” “Coach’s orders. Someone needs to take you shopping and because you keep dodging Dan and Matt that leaves me. Unless you’d rather go with Renee or Nicky.”
If he really had a choice, Neil would rather get shot again. But as Allison was already barreling down the highway to the mall, he just screamed internally and accepted his fate. Although he did glance at the lock of the car door. But ultimately he decided another patch of road rash wasn’t worth the escape.
“I don’t have money on me.” He informed Allison despite knowing it wouldn’t change anything.
“Did I ask?”
He let the rest of the ride pass in silence, rubbing at his dry eyes. Allison parked the car and he followed her into the mall. It seemed like she knew where she was going, he didn’t ask any questions. Largely because he didn’t want to engage and get locked into some stupid conversation.
She walked into some trendy clothing store and then turned to consider Neil for a moment before pulling clothes off racks and handing them to Neil. He didn’t pay attention, it wasn’t like he’d actually wear any of them.
Unsurprisingly, Neil didn’t spend much time in malls. Buying clothes new was too expensive while on the run. And there were far too many people for it to feel comfortable. Anyone could be around.
Allison held up a shirt and then put it back after a moment. Neil blinked a few times to try and get his contacts to stop itching. Then he glanced at his watch, they’d only been there for ten minutes.
He wondered if the silence was awkward or not, he couldn’t really tell and didn’t care to rectify it.
“Once I’ve got a good selection you’ll need to try stuff on so we can find your actual size.” Allison eventually said.
Neil preferred the silence.
“I know my size.”
“Yeah, sure.” She rolled her eyes. “Anyways, are you actually stealing Aaron’s girlfriend or are you bringing your own unbearable personality to the banquet as a date?”
“No, just no to all of that.”
“Come on Josten, you can’t be the loser without a date. Even if you’re not sweeping Katelyn off her feet there has to be someone else. I’m sure any other cheerleader would fall on her ass if you asked her out. Unless, Nicky’s right and you are gay?”
It was too much. Neil couldn’t deal with being at the mall, Allison’s fucking nonsense, his headache, and his contacts. Something had to go and he didn’t think he could get away with murder in a crowded store in the middle of the day. He wished he could.
He dropped all of the clothes.
“Neil!”
“I fucking- just.” He held up a finger and then pulled out his contacts. The relief was instant, late nights with Kevin and early starts with the team meant that he was wearing the contacts more than ever. “Holy fuck that is so much better.” He blinked his eyes, tearing up from the strain. He shoved the contacts into his pocket to throw out later.
“They’re blue!” Allison groaned. “Josten, you just lost me eighty bucks.”
“Why was there that much money on my eyes?” None of them ever made any fucking sense. He spent twenty-four seven with a bunch of freaks.
“That’s not even the biggest pot involving you. Also, what the actual fuck do you not own eye drops? You look like you just hot boxed a coffin for three weeks straight.”
“Eye drops?”
It was rare that Allison looked stunned, her usual modes of facial expression were smug and annoyed.
“Okay, I’m adding the drug store to the list of places we need to go today. You put eye drops. In your eyes. To prevent that.” She gestured to his face.
“Those exist?”
“Yes!”
Neil ducked down and picked back up all the clothes. He wondered if his mother hadn’t known either, or if she’d just deemed eye drops an excessive luxury.
“Can we please go back to shopping?” He asked, uncomfortable.
Allison stared at him for a long moment and then turned back to the rack. The silence lasted barely a minute.
“If I ask you a question will you be an unbearable little shit about it?” She asked.
Neil shrugged.
Allison sighed. “Why do you wear contacts? If they hurt and you didn’t know about eye drops.”
Neil considered being an unbearable little shit about this. But he couldn’t think of anything good enough. So he just readjusted the clothes in his arms and settled on the truth.
“I don’t like my eyes.” It came out quieter than he meant it to.
Allison glanced at him and then handed him a sweater before moving to the pants aisle.
“I don’t like you.” She said.
“Okay.”
“You called my boyfriend easy to kill.”
“Well-” He had, he wouldn’t deny it. Seth was easy to kill.
“I think you’re an asshole.”
“And you aren’t?”
“Let me finish. You’re an asshole. And you’re a Fox.” She squared her shoulders. “When I was sixteen I almost died. No- I’m serious, Neil, put your eyebrow down. I stopped eating and got dizzy and fell off the fucking balcony. I woke up in the hospital with no idea how I got there and all these nurses telling me I was lucky to be alive. If I had fallen in any other way then how I did I would have died or permanently injured myself. I didn’t feel lucky, I hated my body. Ridiculous? I know, I’m amazing.”
She kept picking clothes as she talked.
Her voice stayed steady. “But when I got out of the hospital I realized I had done it for them. My parents. I did everything for them. I studied what they wanted me to study. Talked to who they wanted me to talk to. Wore what they wanted. Watched what they wanted. Went where they wanted. And when they told me I was getting too big I stopped eating. And it almost killed me. And they didn’t even bother to visit me in the hospital.”
“My life wasn’t-” Allison paused for a second. “Isn’t theirs, it’s mine. My body is mine and once I stopped treating it like it was theirs… Well I stopped falling off of balconies for one.” She looked at Neil. “Whoever it is, or was, or whatever that made you hate your own eyes. It won’t make them love you or treat you differently. It won’t change anything. Your eyes are yours not theirs.”
Neil didn’t know what to say to that. It wasn’t that simple. It wasn’t? When he was running it was more about hiding than anything else. But he wasn’t running anymore? And sure his mom had hated how much he looked like his father but he didn’t do it for her. He hated the way looked just as much, if not more. It wasn’t about her? It wasn’t. It wasn’t?
It wasn’t.
“Yeah, they’re mine and I don’t like them.” He said, staring at the clothes in his arms.
Allison just pointed at the changing room.
“I don’t-“
“Oh save it, we both know you’re not winning this argument.”
He hadn’t thought this through. Neil went into the changing room and dropped the clothes on the stool. He could do this, he was fine.
He tried the clothes on keeping his eyes on his body and avoiding his face. It all fit better then he was used to, but most of it was okay. There was one crop top that he tossed aside immediately. Despite the fact that he planned on never wearing any of it, he made sure that the things he put in the ‘let Allison buy’ pile didn’t let his scars show.
He tugged back on his own clothes and then gave in. Allison had been right about them being completely bloodshot. She was wrong about them being his though. Completely wrong. Neil looked in the mirror and his father’s eyes looked back. And he was struck with the fact that they would likely be the last thing he saw when he died.
He clenched his jaw and turned from the mirror. He could always get lucky and Andrew or Riko or whoever else he pissed off would kill him instead.
He left the changing room. He watched Allison buy him the clothes. He followed her into some fancier store to get a suit for the banquet. He didn’t pay attention as measurements were taken. As Allison paid for that. He came back to the world once he realized they were standing in front of a phone store.
“No.” He said to Allison. “I don’t need or want a phone.”
“You do,” she corrected. “If you want to keep disappearing to wherever it is you go, you need to be able to tell someone you’re not dead.”
“I don’t think that’s anyone’s business.”
“Well you should have thought of that before joining the Foxes.”
Neil turned around and walked away.
“I’ll meet you outside!” Allison yelled after him. “Don’t get murdered!”
If the walk were shorter he probably would have just gone back to campus. But it had been a long enough drive that the effort wasn’t worth it. So he just went to Allison’s car and sat down on the closest curb, setting the clothing bags down next to him.
He stared up at the clouds until Allison gave him a gentle kick in the leg.
“Here,” she held out a phone.
Neil stared at it.
“What are you allergic?”
The last time he had a phone he’d been throwing his mother’s into the ocean after burying her. “Deathly.” He said.
“You used Seth’s to call me.”
“And I hated every second of it.”
“And you wonder why we keep making bets about you,” Allison snarked. “I know we’ve both had enough of this so just take the phone Josten.”
He reached out and took it from her and then dropped it into one of the clothing bags.
“Whatever, as long as you keep it on you.” She unlocked her car and got in, leaving Neil with the bags.
Neil pulled the phone back out of the bag. It was fancier then he was used to, it had a keyboard with every letter and number on it. He turned it on, all the Foxes were already programmed in. As well as Wymack, Abby, and Dobson. He shut it back off. Just another useless thing to carry to the end.
It wouldn’t do what Allison or anyone else wanted it to. When it came down to it, there was no one among the twelve of them that he would call when his father came to get him because not one of them could save him.
He stood up and shoved the phone in his back pocket. He grabbed the bags off the pavement and tossed them into the backseat of Allison’s car. Then he got into the passenger seat and waited for her to drive.
random ass hc: andrew jsut has random stacks of books all over his dorm/apartment and uses them as coffee tables, coat racks, weapons, etc whenever convenient.
So I’ve been wanting to do my own twist on the Kathy Interview for YEARS, and I finally did it. Also did you guys know that Kevin turned down the choice to wear suspenders and I am upset.
