Going to a Kinky Sex party later

What can’t I help from doing? Masturbating anyway.

I was so good for a while with the self-control, but I seem to have lost it and masturbate (to orgasm) waaaaay too much lately.

When you’re just that horny

Me: after church, I’m going to be so focused and get so much done!!

Me after church: Or, I’ll masturbate for 3 hours and go totally down a few tumblr rabbit holes, having multiple orgasms.

I had the best of intentions, y'all.

Like many people here, I have been morning the loss of tumblr and how it chronicalled whole relationships and times of my life. It was always so much more than porn for me - it was relationships, love, friendships, community, personal development and a chance to be real with others and real with myself.

So I am feeling a lot of betrayal about it. I’m trying to back it up the best I can and will be moving to a new platform. However, my father is also terminal and we’re hearing “any day now” so my focus has been a little scattered.

If you have screen shots or copies of my captions and writings, please keep them!!! If you have my fetlife I’ll be updating my new blog locations. And I have an email: beggingforpermission at the gmails to keep in touch. Put tumblr: your sn in the heading and I’ll be sure to read it. 

purplebuddhaproject:

“Ten years from now, make sure you can say that you chose your life, you didn’t settle for it.”

— Mandy Hale
(viapurplebuddhaquotes)

On the days where I’m like “why the fuck am I pushing myself this hard, doing this much, etc” I remind myself: this is why.

Cause I’m choosing my life.

beggingforpermission:

I don’t think about it every day, but sometimes it just hits me:

If I hadn’t miscarried, Nicholas would have been 14 this year. Who knows who I would have been by now. By my baby would have been as old as I would have been when I birthed him.

Instead, I’m 28 and going through another child - less Halloween. I might just go sit on a corner and watch all the children happily running after candy and wonder if some day one of them will be mine.

Weirdly, I’m hitting a time I have dreaded. The knowledge that if he had been born, Nicholas would be graduating high school this June.

I’m traveling on my global trip for my MBA program this memorial day instead.

Life has not turned out the way I expected. It’s amazing how much a childless mother still mourns.

beggingforpermission:

http://kyrga.tumblr.com/post/97476229330/sarpedom-aboycanakwqysdream-sarpedom

Huh.

As someone who has recently (and by recently, I mean it took 2 1/2 years but I’ve started accepting/”seeing” my new body only recently) lost 45 pounds and then found out I have a kind of rosacea, not acne, and have skin clearing up for the first time in 4 years, I’m struggling with a lot of body - image issues.

What makes me beautiful, and what doesn’t? My tits are way smaller than they used to be and parts of my skin that used to be taught under flesh are now loose. My ribs show in every picture, which is a pet peeve of mine. But my legs and calves are finally getting more comfortable and I’m enjoying finding clothes more easily. Dressed, everyone says how good I look.

I bought all new makeup this weekend, with instructions on how to apply. Things that won’t irritate my skin, because I have to have a whole new routine now. Expensive makeup, like I’ve never splurged on before.

Intelligent though I am, I have *always* been skilled at applying makeup. Hell, I taught my mom how to do it when I was 15 and she was still putting on the blue eyeshadow my father preferred but did nothing for her eyes. (if she wanted color, green really brought out the gold flecks in her hazel eyes) I never found it challenging and although I do not have an artist’s eye, I have a very clinical view of people’s faces from my prosopagnosia and can understand the mechanics easily.

I’m, at heart, a slave. Eventually, I will find another Master, and then I will care what She or He likes, in terms of what makes me look best. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all. I don’t care what anyone else in the world thinks about the way I look, and beauty standards are not universal. (Have you seen the articles going around where various women are photo shopped from different cultures and how incredibly different they all look when you say: “Make me beautiful”?) So, I may be practicing a skill for making myself look good that my partner will not care for.

When I “try harder” I spend 10 minutes in the morning doing yoga, to make me more flexible and center myself for the day. I write in a gratitude journal, to cultivate a warm and welcome heart. I put lotion on to keep my skin soft and supple. I take my medications the way I should, and try to eat pretty well most days, and spend time strengthening my relationship circles.

When I “try harder”, I read. I engage my mind and learn new topics. I keep a flexible mind so that I’m able to bend to my new Master’s will. I take a painting class, or learn to juggle. I stretch myself so that I don’t become fixed and stagnant. I work on being more self aware and presenting to the world, to the best of my ability, the kind of person that a Master would be proud to own.

Someone who shows up and is truly present with people. Who offers a helping hand. Who is generally positive (still working on that one). Who follows through on commitments. Who offers compassion and sympathy and support. Who is giving and loving. Who knows herself enough to know her limits and always takes care of His/Her property.

Eventually, I will have a Master and then I will apply this dedication to whatever pathway He or She feels is most valuable for growing their property. Until then, I cultivate things that have lasting value and that my ideal Master would value in me.

Because I know that my real, long-lasting value is in my soul within. And no matter how beautiful I am on the outside (and I assure you, I am beautiful - with AND without makeup) what I have to offer lasts a lifetime. And it goes very, very deep down the rabbithole. I want someone for that journey. It’ll only take about 50 trips around the sun, give or take. That’s fairly short, over all ;-)

Secretly, I still think this way.

naked-yogi:

1) for the most part, threesomes with two women and a man are socially acceptable. in fact, outside the realm of BDSM and kink, it’s much easier to find two women down to please one guy at the same time than vice versa. it is extremely difficult to find two men who are willing to see each other naked and vulnerable in order to please a woman in ways that one person can’t (fragile masculinity, fear surrounded by this seeming ‘gay,’ etc).
2) the reason why you see bisexual/pansexual people saying things like, “No, I don’t exist for your pleasure, not here to fuck your wife/girlfriend to spice up your sex life,” is because people, specifically men, often expect women who are sexually attracted to women AND men to serve as a means to their own end (fulfilling a fantasy). women who are attracted to men and women are seen as toys and objects that only exist to fulfill your pleasures.

there is an imbalance in sexuality that deeply shames the sexuality of women. we are taught to harness ourselves in, deny ourselves of pleasures, and all because boys and men are usually raised to believe that their pleasure is all that matters. this is reinforced by society. their friends. their movies and tv shows. their porn. it’s our job to take this back, to be fiercely unapologetic in our desires, to be shameless. women, trans women, and non-binary alike.

I was out at an event last night and making out with my girlfriend (this was socially acceptable for the situation). A man who was drunk and who I had tried to enforce boundaries with a few times that night already was sitting in the hot tub with us. He said “If you two keep that up you’re going to give me an erection.”

I was upset about this. It put me in the position where it seems like if I continued, I was agreeing to participate in his erotic experience. But he was inserting himself into mine!! I have every right to kiss and love on my beautiful water fairy. We were not there for his pleasure, enjoyment or entertainment. And it was rude of him to make that comment and not okay with me.

I can’t imagine him getting a foot away from a heterosexual couple and saying the same thing to them.

I don’t mind keep-your-distance voyeurism and appreciation. I totally understand enjoying seeing a hot couple being wrapped up in each other. I don’t mind a complement after. From close friends, I don’t mind a wolf whistle or a saucy comnent.

But just like it’s not okay to inject yourself into someone’s scene without prior approval or a damn good reason, it’s not okay to inject yourself into someone’s sexual experience.

The worst part of my day is when I get too horny to think at work. My clit begs for attention, I ache deep inside, and my focus goes fuzzy.

For some weird biological reason it hits me for about 2 hourd each afternoon.

Lord, help me. There is no where discrete for me to go to rub one out and relieve the ache.

How would you describe your relationship?

He’s like, the most annoying big brother ever.