I have to drive through this on Thursday and I don’t want to. :(
I did it! Nothing went wrong. It was extremely uncomfortable because driving is a Big Anxiety for me and this kind of driving is a big step outside my comfort zone, but I had seen the route before (supportive Mr. Research drove me out there and back) and I spent a whole week visualizing it in my head, and it was okay. Uncomfortable and stressful, but okay.
Which I guess I’m writing up because…idk if any of you reading this have driving anxiety, but it’s something you can make progress on. I’ve worked up over the years from very short local drives, to longer drives by not-too-stressful ruralish routes, to small city driving, to this. And this kind of landscape is literally a recurring nightmare for me, this what many of my bad dreams look like:
uh so yeah anyway
if driving scares you, that is super legit, and also it is something you CAN work on, hopefully in small stages at your own pace
i’m still not driving in to visit my brother in boston, no fucking way am i dealing with that rt. 128/95 shit or That Specific Intersection in Cambridge or That Other Specific Intersection in Cambridge, i grew up taking the T for a reason
anyone else remember being a child and seeing the very neat handwriting of other little girls and somehow knowing that you were a different genre of person than they were
literally no…i remember seeing bad handwriting & thinking “oh these other kids must be orphans or something”
fascinating to hear from the other genre, thanks for your contribution
The problem with being introverted is that there is no polite way to say “I love you, but I’m tired of being with you right now.”
This post makes me so sad because I remember when my husband felt he couldn’t say this to me. Because society had pounded it into his head so thoroughly that it ‘wasn’t polite to ask for alone time’ that he felt he wasn’t allowed to. And he was SO MISERABLE. I, being an extrovert myself, had no idea. It wasn’t until, after lots of trial and error and lots of fighting and crying that we finally figured it out.
Saying ‘I love you, but I’m tired of being around people right now. I need time to recharge.’ is NOT IMPOLITE. If someone you say it to thinks it is? Then they need to learn what being introverted means. You can try to help them understand that you need to recharge your batteries. If they refuse to accept it… well, then, you’re never going to work anyways. Because you should NEVER sacrifice your mental health just to keep from hurting someone else’s feelings.
You can ask for alone time politely. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s not being mean. It’s not being rude. Explain that you need time to recharge. That you just need to be alone with yourself for a while. It’s so important. And the people who truly love you in return will learn and adapt as much as you do.
I wish people understood this about autism, too. Reading social cues is exhausting.
Learning multiple languages at once absolutely fucks me up bc I haven’t done one of them (the one I’m better at) in quite a while and I tried starting a sentence in that language to practice and halfway i just accidentally switched to the other. Then I tried again and the same thing happened. And then again, and again. I have yet to form a full sentence only in the former language.
Just a reminder that temper tantrums are goal oriented; once a person achieve their goal or finally believes their goal is unobtainable, the tantrum ends (often with little to no deescalation; it just stops).
In contrast, an autistic meltdown is not goal oriented. It is the result of sensory-emotional overload. It is a fight/flight/flee response rooted instinct, not a conscious desire to reach a goal. Meltdowns typically end when the autistic regains sensory-emotional control, and deescalation of a meltdown is typically a long process.
TL;DR: Temper tantrums are goal oriented and targeted. Meltdowns just friggin’ happen because meltdowns.
Fantasy Is A Metaphor For The Human Condition, a comic about magic, and art, and speculative fiction, and being sick, and how they all intersect. Originally laid out/pencilled November-December 2017, when I was in a very difficult place emotionally as I was relearning how to draw post-brain injury.
There’s a reason lots of good parents say to babies stuff like
“You’reexcited to go to the park!”
“Oh, it makes you mad that we can’t go outside.”
And then when the babies get a little bit older the parents can say
“You seem upset. Are you sad?”
“Are you excited that gramma is coming over today?”
Which lets the kid (who is learning to utilize speech) respond with yes or no, which may prompt more questions, like
“So you aren’t sad, are you angry?”
“Yes, does it make you happy when gramma is here?”
And then, finally, when the child is learning to use language in a more complex way, the parents can say,
“How does it make you feel?”
“Why are you feeling like that?”
And it’s all about teaching emotional awareness. I really reccomend using the process on yourself. Learn to ask, “am I happy?” “Am I sad?” “Am I anxious?”
Then practice identifying, out loud or on paper if you can, “I’m happy.” “I’m upset.” “I’m sad.” “I’m anxious.”
Final step: “Why am I feeling anxious? I’m still thinking about that awkward conversation earlier.” “Why am I happy? It’s such a beautiful day outside.” “Why am I sad? None of my friends are responding to my messages.”
It really helps you notice patterns (“I’m more likely to be happy when I’m around this person.” “When I haven’t eaten, I often feel angry.” “If I don’t plan ahead, I get anxious.”) which is the first step in avoiding things and people that are bad for you and encouraging things and people that are good.
Basically don’t forget that you’re just a baby who got more complicated.
Not sure how to articulate what you are feeling? Try starting at the middle and working your way out to the more specific feelings!
This is why I get meal kits. Do I need them? No. Can I easily make them myself? For way cheaper? Yes. WILL I??? No.
Other tips: if you are going to buy things that aren’t pre-taxed, you need to make a habit of always doing the prep AS SOON AS YOU GET HOME. it will NEVER HAPPEN if you don’t.
Get the bulk pack of steaks! But you are never gonna eat them before they go bad. If you freeze them in individual ziplocks as soon as you unpack you probably will?
Get the celery, but you need to cut it ALL UP and store it in the fridge in water or it will rot.
And don’t do all tgese at once, get like, one or two prep things a trip. You aren’t gonna get it started if it’s a huge task.
Don’t pass by these tips because you don’t have ADHD!
These are valid points for the busy parent, the overstressed college student, and the person working the “wrong” shift.
Real story - I have thrown away SO MUCH meat and produce in my time. Frozen veggies can even be better than fresh, since they are picked when ripe and frozen rather than picked early and expected to ripen in shipping. My local grocer will sometimes pre-chop less-than-desirable veggies and sell them in the discount cooler - a chopped onion is more useful than a whole one! Meat in bulk packs is WAY cheaper, but you have to make breaking up that huge pack part of putting away the groceries. Also, having a place to put the groceries away helps make the process easier. It’s taken me more than one decade of life to figure these things out.
It’s not lazy if it is efficient. Professionals call it “time management.”
I most often see executive dysfunction talked about in terms of not being able to make yourself do things. And that’s one of its manifestations, yes, but it’s not the only one. Another really big one that I see is something called DecisionFatigue. Making choices is an executive function, but each one that you make costs you something. The more complex they are, the more it costs– and if you’re already low on mental resources, even small choices can be completely overwhelming.
The example used most often is that of a courtroom judge, whose ability to fairly evaluate the cases they’re presiding over deteriorates during the day. Elsewhere I’ve seen the example of grocery shopping– when you’ve got a tight budget, every single item you look at requires complex cost-benefit analysis, to the point that you’re mentally exhausted and not making good choices about anything by the time you get to the register (where, conveniently, you’ll find candy, cigarettes, and scratch-off tickets waiting for you).
But even smaller things than that count.
I’ve watched my partner spiral into a panic attack when I asked him what he wants for dinner.
I’ve broken down sobbing over someone asking me I want to do on my birthday, and I’ve shut down altogether over something as innocuous as what color I want my bed to be in minecraft.
Even the tiny, mundane, innocent choices just feel like they’re too big, too much, too overwhelming.
Like with a whole lot of mental health things, it’s incredibly difficult to do anything about this kind of thing if you don’t have the words for it or the means to explain it– and damn close to impossible to explain any of it when you’re in the thick of a bad episode. But once you have that language and understanding in place, things do get easier.
Because then you can get to the point where “I don’t know” and “I can’t make a decision right now” are perfectly acceptable answers that don’t require any further explanation.
And trust me, that takes a load off your shoulders.
[start ID: A series of tweets from verified Twitter user The_Weed.
First tweet: A message I want to share with adults who work with #ADHD kids is: pushing them the way that you push neurotypical kids harms them for life. Here’s what I mean. When I start working clinically with an adult who has ADHD, one of the first things we do /1
Second tweet: is we start to map out their trauma history. And I don’t mean non-adjacent childhood traumas (which are also relevant, but we get to those later) I mean their #ADHD-specific, childhood-based traumas that result from having ADHD while growing up in an ableist society. /2
Third tweet: As you can imagine, this is really sad stuff. Bright kids who were called lazy because they literally *could not* complete tasks the way teachers/parents wanted; hyperactive kids longingly watching their peers run and jump at recess while they sat staring at a math worksheet; /3
Fourth tweet: Worse stuff too— kids *abused* for not finishing chores or not getting A’s or forgetting— all while their brain will *literally* not let them— which creates this horrific feedback loop: fear causes more forgetting, which brings harsher punishment, causing more fear, and on and on /4
Fifth tweet: But the most pernicious phrase that tends to wreck kids, and then seems to ruin things past childhood, past college (if that happens) and into their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond, is: “you have SO much potential!” This phrase can be deadly for #ADHD kids and we need to stop. /5
Sixth tweet: Here’s why. When the phrase “you have so much potential” is shared with a neurotypical kid, it is a message of hope. It’s an adult seeing a child who has the capacity to do great things if they follow certain steps and make certain choices. It’s nurturing. It’s lovely! /6
Seventh tweet: But when the phrase “you have so much potential!” is used with a kid with #ADHD, whether intended or not, it is most often an ablist, micro-aggressive dig at their disability that tells the child that they should be striving for things that are actually impossible. /7
Eighth tweet: And then when the kid with #ADHD tries with ALL THEIR MIGHT to bridge the gap (examples below) to please the adult— to “meet their potential” in other words— they fail. Predictably. Naturally. And tragically. And the adult is disappointed in them. /8
Ninth tweet: And the problem is, it doesn’t stop there. Because at that point, often the adult is invested, and the adult’s ego is also on the line. So they say “okay, try again! Don’t give up! You can do it!” And the kid tries harder. And fails again. And again. And again. /9
Tenth tweet: And THEN the adult starts providing lots of ideas that help neurotypical folks saying “you can meet your potential if you just use these tools!” (Alarms, planners, apps, schedules, reminders, whatever.) And the kid has hope, and tries AGAIN. And fails AGAIN. And at this point /10
Eleventh tweet: The adult is exasperated and doesn’t understand why their “help” as a teacher or parent or counselor isn’t working. And the kid doesn’t understand either. And that’s when other horrible messages really take hold. Like “lazy” and “messy” and “unmotivated” and “disobedient.” /11
Twelve tweet: And the adult actually believes those labels because the adult really *could* see “potential” (like high IQ, or amazing musical aptitude, or incredible athletic ability) and now really believes the kid must just not *want* to get to rehearsal in time (or whatever) / 12
Thirteenth tweet: And that kid… that poor #ADHD kid is SO confused. Because they DO love the sport or skill or interest and they really DO love the adult and want to please them. And they didn’t. Over and over. So they really MUST just be lazy. Or unmotivated. Or careless. Or inconsiderate. /13
Fourteenth tweet: And now take that, and multiply it by every school year, by every class, by every teacher that sees something in them, by every unmet goal or hope or dream, year after year, situation after situation, disappointment after disappointment. What you get is an adult in despair. /14
Last tweet: What you get is an adult who actually believes they’re lazy and good for nothing. What you get is an adult who’s deeply depressed and unable to like any part of themselves, who has no idea the real truth that’s been their all along: They have an ADA-recognized disability. /15
