#camping

After a hefty streak of striking out, I figure it’s time to give my dreams of feeding my bing bang a break. I’ll get back to it, I’m sure, but right now, I just wanna have fun. There’s so few days of summer left, and I really need to maximize my tan so that yellow looks good on me right through the fall. (After that, I turn pasty, and have to return to my best colour, royal blue.) So I decide to use the powers that be. That’s right. Facebook.

I post a status:

“If anyone wants to take me to a cottage this weekend, I won’t stop you…”

And guess what? It worked. I got multiple responses! Ask, and you shall receive. I get this message from my friend Michelle. Well, to be honest, five days ago, she was probably more of an acquaintance- but a cool acquaintance I wished I knew better. I’m sure everybody has somebody like that in his/her life. She throws the perfect chance for bonding time at me. She invites me to ADULT CAMP!

Yes. Adult Camp. I never knew there was such a thing either. Let me clarify- this is not a camp where you go to learn how to be an adult (though I’m sure I need that camp too.) This is a camp where you can escape the city, and do all the things you did as a kid, but in your 20’s. (Or 30’s, as per me.)

I was too busy all summer to hit a cottage (nor can I afford one, obvi) so I check out the link she sends me – Two Islands Weekend Camp for Grown-Ups. Holy Fack! It looks awesome! A lake, canoes, kayaking, a water slide, paddleboats, yoga, ziplining, AND beer! I’m IN! Plus, I never went to camp as a kid. The closest my family got to camping was the Motel 6 in Grants Pass, Oregon. So for this weekend, I’m basically picturing the scenery of Camp Crystal Lake, minus Jason Voorhees. (Hopefully.)

As per any cottage-like adventure, the drive out of the city is the hardest part. The DVP alone is the reason somebody put the shotgun on the emoji pad. I’m sure of it. Both Michelle, and our driver are from Vancouver, so I know I’m going to take in some Surrey jokes. They insist they’re actually calling me “Siri,” though, cuz I’m navigating. They also point out that somebody in North Delta (that’s where I grew up) has the postal code that spells “vagina.” (V4G-1N4.) How have I never heard this before? I thought me and my friends from high school were the biggest pervs I knew? These are the exciting things you learn when you hang out with girls from West Van and Richmond. The car is full of laughter, and we’re only on Rosedale Valley road. A solid start to the weekend.

We arrive in Haliburton, at Camp Timberlane hours later. I actually get this nervous feeling, like most kids probably get when they go to camp. I don’t know anybody here. I hope people don’t think I’m a tool. I also hope nobody counts how many showers I take all weekend. (None.)

After checking into our adorable two-person cabin, we head up the main hall. There’s St-Ambroise beer, Rosewood VEGAN wine, Black Fly coolers, and Caesars made with Walters Caesar mix- an all-natural Clamato alternative. (I know we all need Caesars for our hangovers, but Clamato juice is loaded with MSG. I’m all about finding healthier alternatives to my lush lifestyle.) This is definitely NOT kids camp anymore. I grab an IPA, and head over to the table with the chips on it. Even if nobody talks to me, I can eat chips to look busy. As I hang, a girl comes up to me.

“Do you have a blog?”

What? YES! Oh my God! This is the most exciting moment of my life. (I believe this is what is called “Fangirling,” a new concept I facking love.) Somebody recognizes me from my blog! And a great ice breaker. Message to kids- have a blog before you go to camp. I now have a new friend, and I couldn’t be more stoked. (Plus this will back me off the chips for a while.) 

The food is definitely NOT like kid camp either. Obviously because we’re dealing with an adult crowd, we have a dozen different diets options. (When I signed up for the camp, under dietary restrictions I wrote: None. I eat whatever I want, then worry about it later.) There’s vegetarian, vegan, kosher, gluten-free, organic- there’s even coconut water! Facking coconut water at camp! Kale Caesar salad too. Check out my supper plate. Delish.

The night turns into a powerful dance party. Girls everywhere, dancing in the most comfortable clothes and shoes you’ve ever seen. Not your normal club scene. The only time a guy comes on to the dance floor, it’s only to clean up one of the drinks we spilled. I’m not gonna lie- I’m still a little stiff. If your moves on the dance floor reflect your moves in the bedroom, I can see why a lot of people would think I starfish. My new friend (Ronit) and Michelle are killing it on the dance floor. Who would have thought I would be taking dance lessons from a West Van girl?

Day 2 of camp is more of the same. Games, scavenger hunts (check out me and Michelle’s rendition of “Cups” on her Instagram @queenwestgirl – I personally think we nailed it, no matter how drunk we were.) As an adult, I notice I’m a much more patient S’more maker. I’m no longer in a hurry to roast my marshmallow. I keep it high above the flame, until it’s a soft brown, unlike when I was a kid and usually lit it on fire and had to blow it out.

Perhaps the most powerful moment of the weekend, was when one girl got her tooth knocked out during a game of Capture the Flag. She went to the hospital, and came right back to camp, laughing it off. She had the best attitude I’ve EVER seen. I think of how much I let little things bother me on a daily basis, and this girl loses a facking TOOTH and is like “Oh well.” It was a real eye opener. At the end of the day, we should all just be happy we have our teeth.

I made a ton of new friends this weekend. It’s weird- making new besties in your 30’s is actually probably harder than finding a date. But with lifestyle changes, moving cities, having kids, or having no kids, there is definitely an opening for new, non-kinky relationships in our lives. Most websites focus on finding love online (okay, maybe sex too, as per Tinder.) But there’s not a big selection of websites to just find somebody to shoot the shit with. As I said earlier, at the beginning of the weekend, Michelle and I were more like friendly acquaintances. Now, we talk openly about our bowel movements. (How I LIKE my friendships, yo.) I feel like I made a new BFF, as cornball as it sounds.

I think we all need a little more adult camp in our lives. We need to forget daily stress, internet haters, shoes that give us blisters, and go act like kids again. Oh, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t pack condoms for the weekend. Did I use them? Nope. But I did get drunk enough to wonder if I could turn one into a Diva Cup.

Using my fingers for things other than rings,

Walkinsauce.

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Tobias Rodgers

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Flashlights & starry skies ❤️

My campsite in New Horizon’s. Being experienced in hotdog form.

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