Can’t Outrun the Past (Part 7)

A/N: In which we realize Bucky is an idiot, but a cute one, a truly dangerous combination. Hope you enjoy.

Pairing: ex!Bucky Barnes x reader, friend!Steve Rogers x reader

Warnings: mentions of drug use, alcohol abuse, etc., stupid, cute Bucky. Yes, it deserves a warning.

Word Count:

A few hours later, you wake up, stretching your arms above your head. You open your eyes to find them swollen and painful. You remember your breakdown earlier and groan, closing your eyes, rolling onto your side. You vaguely wonder where Bucky is, your bed empty, but when you open them, you see a different super soldier looking at you with a smile.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Steve says with a chuckle. You grunt, closing your eyes again. He laughs at your response. After a few minutes, you stretch again, dragging yourself into a sitting position.

“I think it’s afternoon,” you say, and Steve chuckles again.

“Have a nice nap?” he asks.

“Not really.”

“You sound like Buck,” he says and looks at you. “Sorry I haven’t been around much since you got here, Y/N. Fury has me doing some recon and I’ve been in and out with Sam.”

“I get it. There’s still a world to save out there.”

“Now more than ever, I’m afraid.”

“Yeah… I’ll just be glad to get out of this bed.”

“I bet. That’s actually what I came to talk with you about.” You look up at him and he’s studying you carefully. “Bruce says he thinks you’re ready to leave the med bay, at least that you don’t need constant monitoring.”

“That’s what Dr. Raynor said earlier,” you say with a nod.

“How do you feel about that?”

“You sound like Dr. Raynor,” you say, rolling your eyes. “I mean, I’ll be glad to leave. This bed sucks.” Steve smiles at your response.

“So, we uh… we talked about it, and we all think it’s best if you stay at the Tower. At least for a little while.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“That’s it? I expected more push back.”

“I don’t really have a choice, do I?” Steve furrows his brow at your comment. “Even if I left, you’d come find me and drag me back. Why bother?” You lean back again, your head on your pillow.

“We’re just trying to do what is best for you, Y/N.”

“Is that why you forced Vivitrol on me, Steve? When I wasn’t even awake to consent to it?”

“Exactly, Y/N. You weren’t awake. You were in a coma because you overdosed, Y/N. I did what I thought was best.”

“And Cap always knows best,” you mumble.

“That’s not fair, Y/N.”

“Life’s not fair, Steve,” you snap, but your anger quickly disappears.

“I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through, Y/N. I can’t even pretend to understand. But I just buried one friend. I am not going to bury you too. I am not going to…” He looks down at his hands. “I am not going to lose you again.” You swallow down the lump in your throat.

“I’m sorry I put you through all of this, Steve.” It’s your turn to look at your own hands, your fingers threading and unthreading through each other.

“And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” You look up at him and his eyes ring with sincerity.

“You tried to be. That’s on me. How many voicemails do you think you left me? Probably 1000,” you said with a smile. He laughs at that.

“Probably more like 10,000. I am sure you got tired of hearing my voice.”

“Never,” you say with a smile.

“So, we have your old apartment ready for you. Bruce still wants you to come check in daily, to monitor your heart. He just wants to make sure there’s no long-term effects.” You nod, listening. “There’s going to be some ground rules, Y/N. We can’t do this again. You can’t do this again. No alcohol, at least for now. Bucky, Sam and I all agreed to keep it out of the Tower so it’s not even here to tempt.”

“You don’t have to do that, you know. I’m a big girl.”

“A big girl with some impulse control issues,” he says with a smile. You stick your tongue out at him, and he laughs. “Just for now. It’s probably better for all of us anyways.” You nod. “You’re not going to be alone for a while, Y/N. One of us is always going to be around.” You roll your eyes.

“Is that really necessary?” you ask.

“For now, yes. I can’t lose you, Y/N. I can’t do it and I know it would kill Buck too. We’re your team, and for now, we’re all in this together.”

“That was very cheesy, Captain.” It’s his turn to roll his eyes with a chuckle.

“You’re like a little sister to me, Y/N. I’m here for you. Always.” Steve’s words ring with sincerity, typical Steve Rogers. You hear someone knock on the doorframe, and you look up to see Bucky leaning against the door.

“Am I interrupting something?” he asks, a smirk on his face.

“Nope. I think Steve was going to confess his undying love, though. You might want to stick around.” You watch as a blush spreads across his cheeks and chuckle. You look back over at Steve, who is now standing beside your bed. You smile at him. He leans down to kiss your forehead. You close your eyes at the contact. He pulls away and brushes your hair out of your face.

“I’ll be back later.” You nod, and watch as he walks out the door, pausing to whisper something to Bucky before leaving. Bucky nods solemnly before walking around the bed, scooting his chair so his knees are, once again, pushing against the edge of it.

“How are you feeling?” he asks, his voice sincere.

“Fine,” you say with a chuckle. It wasn’t until it was pointed out that you realized you do say it a lot, even when you aren’t fine. Bucky chuckles as well.

“Well, I… uh… I wanted to talk to you, about some of the stuff you mentioned earlier.”

“We really don’t have to, Bucky.”

“I want to. I feel like I need to say this.” You nod, knowing the feeling of needing to say something. Needing it out. He clears his throat before beginning.

“I… uh, when Steve got me out, I didn’t think I was worth it. I did so much damage… There was no way I could ever do enough good to tip the scales in my favor. I knew it was going to be hard to convince everyone I was worth it, but you, uh, the first time I met you, you never looked at me like that. When Steve told me about you, about your goodness, I couldn’t imagine why you’d ever side with me. You went against Tony, the only father you’d ever known, to protect me. And I, uh, I knew I wasn’t worth that.”

“But you were, Bucky. You didn’t do any of that stuff. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I know that now, but you sided with me over Tony and I, uh, that meant something to me.” His words echo your own from earlier that day. He looks over at you. “I don’t think you realized that you became important to me, and I wasn’t even sure why. After we came back to the compound, and after I got to know you better, you became my whole world. My whole world revolved around you.” You watch his eyes fill with tears. “The day I realized something was wrong, that you were too edgy, too… I don’t know. You’d sneak off to your room and I knew something was wrong. That day was one of the scariest of my life because I didn’t know how to help you.” A tear slips out and runs down his cheek.

“When you shook in my arms, telling me that you needed help, I knew I couldn’t walk away. You were it for me. This was it for me. If I had to hold your hair back and hold you through the withdrawals every day for the rest of forever, I’d do it because it meant I could be with you.” You feel a tear sleep down your own cheek. “And then you got better, and the first time I saw you smile sober, the first time you laughed, it was like I could see the sun for the first time. And even then, you chose me. You chose me completely sober, and that meant something to me.”

“The closer we got, the more I fell until it felt like a freefall. I was terrified that I’d hurt you. I was terrified that I would break your heart and we’d end up… well, we’d end up here. So I never told you. We were friends and I knew that was going to have to be enough. I’d suffer for the rest of forever if it meant I’d have you in my life, even if just as friends.”

“But it wasn’t your job to keep my heart safe, Bucky.” Your words are barely above a whisper.

“Isn’t that love, though? Putting your happiness over my own?” Quiet settles over the room. After a few moments, Bucky continues. “When you introduced me to Sarah, she was nice. She’s like you, in some ways. Not in the important ways, but she was enough. She wanted to be around me and in my twisted up in knots brain, I thought she was my ticket to keeping you around. Your two best friends dating would have to be a good thing.” You close your eyes. You hadn’t thought of it that way.

“And I know now that it was stupid. I should have at least told you. But I was afraid that you’d leave…” He lets out a sad laugh. “So, I tried to distract myself. Distract myself from you with her. And it worked, for a little while. When we talked about it, you told me you were happy for me. That you wanted me to be happy and I wanted to scream that you’d make me happy, but I knew that would be selfish. And then you left. You didn’t even say goodbye. I just got up one day and your room was empty… Steve told me you left. That you didn’t want to see anyone for a while. And I always kind of thought you’d come home. That you’d come back to me…” You look up find him watching you closely.

“It broke me.” The words hang in the air for a minute, dread and guilt steeping into your stomach. You look down at your hands.

“Then, I, uh… She wasn’t you. I spent some time in cryo in Wakanda and they helped me to, uh, they got rid of the code words. And then Steve showed up. I expected you to be with him. He hadn’t heard from you, though, and I fought like hell because I wanted this world to be better for you, wherever you were. I wanted you to be happy.”

“Buck…” you whisper, but he continues.

“When I woke up and found out it had been 5 years, my first thought was of you. I almost showed up at your apartment. I found you and Steve talked me out of it. I wish now that I did. I wish I could have stopped it…”

“It’s not your fault, Buck. Not totally, anyways. It was always my choice.”

“You keep saying that, but it was, my fault I mean. I made stupid choices when your heart hung in the balance.” You can’t argue with him. He was stupid, but you know now that it hurt him too.

“When you walked it to Tony’s house, it was like the world stopped spinning, or it started again after being stopped for years. And then I saw it. Your shaking, your sunglasses, your stumble, and I knew. It was like before, and I was just as scared as last time. I moved my eyes off of you for 1 minute, and then you were gone. And if I had just watched you walk away… if I had just stopped you…”

“Hey, it’s not your fault, Bucky. It’s really not. I was… uh… I was overwhelmed by a lot of things. Tony was gone and I didn’t even get to say goodbye because I was too high to come visit. Honestly, that day, you were one of the furthest things from my mind.” He lets out a sad chuckle, but continues to look at his hands. “Hey,” you say, grabbing his flesh hand in your own. “I’m okay. I’m here because of you.”

“And Steve,” he mumbles.

“My boys have always had my back,” you say with a smile. He gives you a half-hearted smile. “And don’t tell Steve, but you’re my favorite.” You wink at him and Bucky laughs.

“I missed this,” he whispers, squeezing your hand with his own.

“Me too,” you whisper back.

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Can’t Outrun The Past (Part 2)

A/N: Ah, the plot thickens. Still angsty. Still sadness. I am still not sure how this series is going to progress, but I am here now and I am writing. I don’t know when I’ll update again, but I am trying to get it done as quick as I can. Hope you… enjoy? I feel like that’s not the right word haha

pairing: ex!Bucky Barnes x reader, friend!Steve Rogers x reader

Warnings: so many. Drug use, alcohol abuse, angst, all the stuff. Don’t read if you can’t do that right now.

Word count: 2004

Catch up with Part One

You look around the room and everyone, every single person in the room, is staring at you. You smile awkwardly but look up at Steve to avoid looking at anyone else. He coughs awkwardly, but it seems to get his point across, and small talk erupts around the room. You sigh, but don’t move from the doorway. You glance around the room, noting Sam, Wanda, Vision and someone you don’t recognize talking to each other, and other small groups of people talking quietly around the room. You shift from one leg to the other.

“Y/N?” you hear to your right and turn to see Pepper standing in front of you. She looks small and frail, sadness filling all her features, but she has a sad smile, looking at you. You walk over to her and wrap her in a hug. You feel her cry softly into your shoulder, but you just hold her, a few tears of your own running down your face. You close your eyes and breathe in her smell, one you missed.

After a few minutes, she pulls away, wiping her eyes quickly, letting out a sad smile.

“I have to be strong for Morgan. It’s not been often that I’ve cried. I am sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, Pepper. Crying is healthy.” You wish you could take your own advice, but you never have been great at showing your emotions. She gives you a sad smile. “What can I do?” you ask quietly, turning around to look around. You note that the table with refreshments is full, and you know it’s probably catered. Someone is probably making sure it’s full. You glance back over to Pepper, but your eyes glance over the one person in the world that you wish you would never see again.

Bucky looks good, more peaceful than you ever remember. His hair is still long but styled in a way that looks more flattering. He has a bit of facial hair, but nothing excessive. And his bright blue eyes are staring directly at you. You quickly look back over at Pepper, asking where you could use the bathroom. She motions toward the hallway behind them, and you thank your lucky stars that you don’t have to cross the room.

You hurry into the bathroom, your legs shaking and, as you close the door, you let out a shaky breath while you slide down the door. You put your head between your legs and laugh out a sob. You are a mess. You showed up to the memorial for the only father figure you ever knew high and drunk, and you can’t even keep your body from shaking long enough to talk with your friends. Or your former friends. Maybe not talking to someone for more than 5 years disqualifies you from being their friends.

You rifle through your bag, finding the mint tin you were looking for. You open it and white pills slide out. You take 2 more easily. After a few minutes, the room spins around you, and you close your eyes, your head on your knees. You’re not even sure how long you sit there, but you barely register knocking on the door behind you.

“Y/N?” a voice says on the other side of the door, but you can’t bring yourself to care. Their voice is far away, underwater. You grunt but you’re sure they don’t hear you. Time means nothing and it could have been a few seconds or hours before you feel your body being moved as the door moves you.

“Damn super soldier,” you mumble when you look up to see Steve hovering over you, his eyes full of concern. You’re sure you roll your eyes, but realize too late that it probably doesn’t look that way.

“What did you take?” he asks, not even questioning anymore if you were high.

“Nothing,” you slur out, trying to stand up but stumbling before you do, falling back on your butt with a humpf. You almost giggle but Steve just stares at you. “’m fine, Rogers.” You stand again and after faltering, almost losing your balance, you stand up, your arms spread to keep your balance. “See?” you say, gesturing down your body toward your legs when they finally decided to hold your small frame. “Fine.”

He stands across from you with wide eyes. You glare at him, and he stares back. You’re not sure how long it takes for him to move. Time is still meaningless, but you hear a yell from behind you, distant and you can’t make out who it was, but you also don’t really care. Steve’s super hearing hears it though, and his eyes flicker from yours to the door behind you. He nods, almost imperceptibly.

“They’re getting ready to start, Y/N. Are you coming, or not?” You almost flinch at the malice in his voice, and you realize that he’s mad. Not that you care. You could sink back to the floor at the base of the sink and stay there forever. You could just sink into the floor, and they could bury you next to Tony, the father who chose you. You can’t help the sob that wracks through your body, then, and your legs threaten to collapse again. Steve is beside you almost before you can blink, steadying you. You try to swat him away, but he doesn’t move. He holds you tightly against himself. You let out a scream you didn’t realize you were holding and Steve kisses the top of your head

“I got you,” he whispers against your hair. You aren’t sure how long it takes before you stop crying, screaming, hitting against his chest but when you feel like you’ve gotten it all out, you let out a sigh. Steve pulls away from you, his hands on your arms, examining your face.

“You look like hell, Y/N.” You laugh at his comment, reaching up to wipe the makeup you know had run from under your eye. You glance over to the mirror, then, and you’re sure that you are not even looking at yourself. Your long hair falls down your back in ringlets, but they are straw-like, unhealthy. Your face is red, but looks like the skin is stretched too thin. Your eyes, red and bloodshot, stare back to you, but there is no emotion left in them. You clear your throat as you hear footsteps coming up the hallway.

You pull away from Steve and adjust your dress, pulling your large sunglasses off the top of your head and putting them on just as Sam reaches the door frame.

“It’s time,” he says quietly and Steve nods, looking back at you. You nod to him before walking with shaking legs out of the room. Steve and Sam mumble something to each other behind you, but you don’t listen. You walk through the living area and out the front door, directly to Pepper, who pulls you into her side, Morgan looking up at you with wide eyes. You give her a sad smile. Steve and Sam walk up beside you and you can feel the concern radiating off them in waves but you ignore it. Today isn’t about you.

The memorial was beautiful and everything you could have imagined. The Avengers loved the man as much as you did, and you felt that. You were, at the end, grateful that you came, but, as everyone disperses and goes back inside, you whisper to Pepper that you have to go. She nods, whispering back that Steve could drive you. You shake your head, telling her that you were fine, that you just needed to get home. Her eyes were full of concern, but she pulled you into her. She hugged you in a way that was a goodbye and you felt that. You knew it too.

She pulled away and she and Morgan walk inside. You turn around to see a different super soldier, the one you had spent so long running from, leaning in the doorframe of the house. You looked at him, through your sunglasses. You inspected his face. The same piercing blue eyes that you had fallen in love with were more peaceful now than ever before. He looked happy, at peace and you love that for him.

“Hi, Y/N,” he says, his voice exactly the way you remember it, deep and rumbly. You give him a sad smile, looking at him.

“Hi, Bucky.” Your words come out sadder than you want them to, but it was a sad day after all. “How have you been?”

“Uh, good. I spent some time in Wakanda, before I uh, you know, dusted.” You chuckle, but it’s not new information. Steve kept you updated in his voicemail messages. “Things have been a lot better.”

“I’m glad, Buck. You deserve to be happy.” You say it sincerely, with a nod.

“From the looks of it, though, the same can’t be said for you, Y/N.” It’s not a question, and Bucky takes a step toward you. All of a sudden, you feel like a caged animal, like if Bucky takes one step closer, you are going to growl and run. He must notice the shift in you, because he stops and puts his hands up. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I will stay here.” His words do nothing to calm you, though, and you feel anger burning up your throat.

“I am happy.” You aren’t even sure where the words came from, and you say them with a force that feels true. You almost believe them. Almost though. It’s obvious that Bucky doesn’t believe you though.

“Okay, Y/N. I’m glad you’re happy.” He is placating you, which only makes you angrier.

“I have to go,” you say moving down the steps and off the porch before you attacked him. You were sure that he’d overpower you easily and, even high, you weren’t dumb enough to pick a fight with a super soldier with a metal arm. He calls after you, but you start running, as best as you can in heels. He catches up easily, though, and just as you have your door unlocked and are opening it, his flesh hand slams it closed. The growl that had been threatening to come does and Bucky flinches, but doesn’t move. You feel him behind you, and now more than ever you are caged.

“What do you want?” The words are filled with malice and venom.

“You’re not driving.” It’s a simple sentence, but it does nothing to calm you.

“Like hell I’m not!” Screaming comes back and you are about to lose it. You feel it.

“Y/N.” It’s Steve now. You are breathing, panting, still facing the car door, Bucky still behind you. Steve leans against the side of the car, looking at you with concern. “Y/N just come back inside.”

“NO!” The scream that erupts from your throat is enough to get Bucky to stumble backward and you turn around, stalking toward him as he catches his footing. His eyes are wide. “You don’t get to come back around me and start acting all high and mighty, Barnes. You,” you stab your finger into his hard chest, and you know it should hurt, but you feel nothing. “don’t get to have a single say in my life, my choices or anything else!” You twirl on your foot and look at Steve, whose eyes are wide. Your hands are at your sides, shaking and trembling.

“I’m leaving now,” you seethe and Steve nods. He stands up and pulls you into a hug and you shake into his chest. You will yourself to hug him back, breathing deeply and trying to calm yourself down. It does little though.

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” he says softly into your hair and, before you even register it, you feel a small stab in your arm and warmth spreading through your veins before the darkness welcomes you once again. The last thing you remember is smiling up at Steve, finally feeling some relief.

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