➳a/n:this chapter just makes me squeal. WE ALSO FIND OUT THE TWINS NAMES. i gave them so much thought, and i felt like the two i chose were utterly sweet . enjoy! :) also domestic Bucky is my favorite Bucky.
➳summary: When you experience the most intense night of the summer alongside Bucky, who you nickname Steel Blue, you weren’t expecting to fall pregnant. When a positive pregnancy test meets your eyes a few days before school starts, you know it belongs to the man who you’d never see again. Until you walk into your Romanian Linguistics class and he’s your professor.
➳pairing: Professor!Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader
➳warnings:unprotected sex, unplanned pregnancy, slight age-gap, smut throughout book, angst
➳ dedicated to my beautiful best friend pitifulbaby
As the month continued to pass by, you were now settled into October.Midterms were up, you were slowly preparing for the babies’ arrival in February, Millie was helping you with nursery themes, and somehow Bucky and Nikki became best friends despite being polar opposites of each other.
➳a/n:this chapter just makes me squeal. WE ALSO FIND OUT THE TWINS NAMES. i gave them so much thought, and i felt like the two i chose were utterly sweet . enjoy! :) also domestic Bucky is my favorite Bucky.
➳summary: When you experience the most intense night of the summer alongside Bucky, who you nickname Steel Blue, you weren’t expecting to fall pregnant. When a positive pregnancy test meets your eyes a few days before school starts, you know it belongs to the man who you’d never see again. Until you walk into your Romanian Linguistics class and he’s your professor.
➳pairing: Professor!Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader
➳warnings:unprotected sex, unplanned pregnancy, slight age-gap, smut throughout book, angst
➳ dedicated to my beautiful best friend pitifulbaby
As the month continued to pass by, you were now settled into October.Midterms were up, you were slowly preparing for the babies’ arrival in February, Millie was helping you with nursery themes, and somehow Bucky and Nikki became best friends despite being polar opposites of each other.
➳a/n:this chapter just makes me squeal. WE ALSO FIND OUT THE TWINS NAMES. i gave them so much thought, and i felt like the two i chose were utterly sweet . enjoy! :) also domestic Bucky is my favorite Bucky.
➳summary: When you experience the most intense night of the summer alongside Bucky, who you nickname Steel Blue, you weren’t expecting to fall pregnant. When a positive pregnancy test meets your eyes a few days before school starts, you know it belongs to the man who you’d never see again. Until you walk into your Romanian Linguistics class and he’s your professor.
➳pairing: Professor!Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader
➳warnings:unprotected sex, unplanned pregnancy, slight age-gap, smut throughout book, angst
➳ dedicated to my beautiful best friend pitifulbaby
As the month continued to pass by, you were now settled into October.Midterms were up, you were slowly preparing for the babies’ arrival in February, Millie was helping you with nursery themes, and somehow Bucky and Nikki became best friends despite being polar opposites of each other.
Opting for baggier clothes to at least try and seclude your growing bump, it was getting harder. Students were beginning to stop and stare, Bucky consciously paying attention to the room’s shifting. He would give you gentle gazes and darling smiles to help push you through to the end of each lecture before he’d finally wrap his arms around you when the classroom had emptied.
“Alright, remember! Our midterm is on Wednesday.As long as you answer the questions in the study guide and practice, all of you will be fine. Don’t hesitate to ask any questions, either. I’m here to watch you succeed.”Bucky informed the students as everyone began to pack up their belongings.
Once the room had cleared except for Millie who was checking her phone, she turned her eyes over to you. “Nikki’s waiting for me out front. Have fun house-searching!” She exclaimed. She lowered her head to press a quick kiss to your belly before hitting Bucky on the arm and leaving.
He greeted you with a wide grin, those gorgeous steel-blue eyes casting into yours. “Come here, mama,” He said, walking forward to wrap his hands through yours. You erupted into a quiet giggle as Bucky pulled you close, your bump pressing to his well-defined abdomen. He sighed, reaching his hands forward to wrap around your stomach.
“Not going to lie, I miss being able to hold you close,” He chuckled, making you smile.
“Well,your children are wreaking havoc in the womb right now. I swear one of them is bouncing on my bladder,” You sighed heavily. “And hey! We can still touch… I’m not that big yet.” You growled, earning Bucky to smile, and leaned forward to peck your lips.
“I know, I know… I’m just teasing. Are you ready to go look at these houses? The realtor just texted me.” He questioned.
Your heart flooded with warmth. “I can’t believe this… We’re actually getting our own house together.” You breathed out, gently biting at the skin on your lip. Bucky hugged you as close as he could.
“It’s surreal, I know… But I can’t wait to start this journey with you.” He whispered, kissing your ear. “And just think… Whatever house we do decide on? I’ll get to have sex with you in every single room, just to break it in and really make it ours.”
“Bucky!” You exclaimed, swatting his shoulder. “It only took one night in a hotel to make this happen… Be careful.” You reminded him, eyes narrowed.
Bucky beamed with another laugh before grabbing his keys off the desk and leading you out of the classroom. As you two walked down the halls and hopped on the elevator to take you to the bottom floor, you leaned your head on his shoulder. Life had become so much different since Sharon disappeared.
The last you saw of her, she was being handcuffed and thrown into the back of a cop car while Millie was essentially let off the hook for beating Sharon to a bloody pulp with a baseball bat. Your and Bucky’s relationship only seemed to strengthen and it gave you both ample time to focus on one another plus the idea that you would be parents sooner rather than later.
The car ride to the first house was filled with you and Bucky exchanging words back and forth about what you were both looking for in homes; family homes. When you arrived to the first listing, your eyes widened. It was beautiful.A two story brick home with a fenced in backyard. Flowers dotted the outside area with a well-manicured lawn, bringing you to gasp.
“Wow, this is stunning,”Bucky admitted with a smile, wrapping his hand through yours. The two of you exited the car and were greeted by the realtor, a friendly woman by the name of Denise. She grinned at the two of you, a folder in hand with some of the property’s biggest hits.
“Bucky, Y/N! What a pleasure to see you both,” Denise grinned as she shook both your hands before her eyes settled on your swollen belly. “Wow, I think you’ve grown since I saw you last week!” She exclaimed, bringing you to smile sheepishly.
As she led you inside, your eyes were captivated by the large front entryway. It was decked with cherrywood floors and the space was huge.
“This home is four bedrooms and two baths… It also has a fenced-in swimming pool in the back. Bucky, since you’re a professor, there is also an in-home office for you.” She explained. You could hardly listen, your excitement was bubbling when you walked into the spacious kitchen that looked out into the living room. The bar was set up with a huge chandelier hanging overhead, the countertops were a fine marble. The color scheme was simplistic, but with pops of color being introduced on the cabinet doors. There was a huge pantry with a sliding barndoor that you were obsessed with, Bucky quickly noticing how you gravitated.
Bucky fell in love with the in-home office. He could already see himself settling in and getting classwork done or maybe he visualized you seated on his lap for a round of fun while he sent his stressors away. He could envision house parties here with Steve, Sam, Millie, and Nikki. He saw the potential in the home and already, this was both of your favorites on the list.
The bedrooms were huge, with a grand master easily decided to be your and Bucky’s if you opted for this home. The bathroom seemed even bigger with a tub big enough to fix three. His and hers vanities were colored in a dark grey paint with marble countertops that had flicks of silver.
Another room was seen, this one quickly being envisioned to be the twins’ nursery. You could already see you and Bucky painting the walls different colors and theming it to whatever you had come up with. Tears welled in your eyes as you passed throughout the other areas until you were finally taken onto the balcony that was attached to the master bedroom. Large french doors opened up to a well-manicured backyard with a swimming pool in the very center that was fenced around with a slide attached.
“I can already see myself having coffee out here every morning,” You whispered, hanging onto the railing of the balcony. Bucky smiled, leaning forward to kiss your cheek as he wrapped an arm around you. Denise had left the two of you alone to explore the home for yourselves after she listed the other pros such as the best school in the district wasn’t but two miles away. Recreational activities for the kids were on every corner, along with it being in close proximity to the college for Bucky.
“Doll, I’m already in love with it, and this was only the first house.” Bucky laughed, kissing your neck as he wrapped his arms around your waist. He rested his two large palms on your belly and gave it a subtle stroke, feeling light taps of feet kicking against his hands. “And I think the twins agree.” He added with a gentle, heartfelt smile.
Giggling quietly, you couldn’t believe this was happening.
“Let’s check out the pool then head to the next one?” You suggested, Bucky agreeing. When you made it down to the backyard and you saw how large it was upon stepping out of the two french doors leading toward it, you had to cover your mouth to withhold the threatening gasps. Denise already knew that sound meant you were hooked.
“Should I even show you two the other three homes?” She laughed, bringing you and Bucky to share a look.
“I think it’s a good idea, yeah,” Bucky answered. “Just so we know.Right, Doll?”
“LOOK AT THE SWING! THEY HAVE A BACKYARD SWING!” You exclaimed from somewhere out in the open. Bucky’s eyes lifted when he saw you seated on the wooden swing, kicking your legs back and forth as you giggled like a teenager. Bucky broke out into a wide grin.
When Denise showed you two the other three homes, immediately none of them compared to the one with the pool and in-home office. As the day drew to a close, Denise was already preparing an offer on the first home.
“Decision has been made? The two-story home on Carter Avenue?” She asked for clarification. You and Bucky held each other’s hand, both of you grinning from ear to ear.
“That’s the one,” You smiled, already seeing yourself in the future. You envisioned the pitter-patter of toddler feet racing down the halls while you and Bucky chased in behind them, until they would turn into elementary, then middle, even high school teenagers. It swelled your heart and made your world spin quickly, causing you to leane further into Bucky for support.
“Alright, let’s get an offer together and I’ll send it over to the owners.” She smiled in satisfaction.
As you both left with your hopes lifted that this very house would be yours soon, Bucky and you sat in the car for a few moments of sweet silence. You both looked up at the home, your smile erupting.
“I can’t believe this… We’re actually looking to buy a house together.” You expressed with a bright smile. Bucky laughed, reaching a hand over to wrap it around your thigh.
“I know… I can’t wait to do this with you,” He said, his eyes casting into yours. You slowly turned your head to face him, not helping but to lean over the best you could in order to give him a kiss.
You felt a few more kicks swell in your belly, making you gasp. They were much harder than before and you giggled, hurrying to grab Bucky’s hand. You rested it on your side and his eyes widened as he felt them for himself.
“You guys are excited too, aren’t you?” Bucky asked in a sweet voice.
Soon, the two of you were back at Bucky’s shared home with Steve and Sam. The two had gone out for the night while Millie opted to spend the night at Nikki’s, giving you and Bucky some privacy… And that meant the two of you were sprawled out in bed together, binge-watching a series while Bucky graded last-minute papers.
Once he wrapped up and joined you for cuddles, you licked your lips. “Bucky, what are we going to name them?” You asked.
“I thought they’re being named Razzle and Dazzle Barnes?” He laughed, referencing Millie. You slapped his shoulder playfully, rolling your eyes as you tossed back a chip.
“I’m being serious!” You smiled. “I’m due Febuary 25th, but honestly, twins normally don’t make it to 40 weeks… And even though it seems like we have time - we really don’t. I’d like to start calling them by their name… Even if they don’t understand it yet.” You laughed.
Bucky nodded his head in agreement. “What were you thinking? Twins usually have rhyming names or the same letter.”
You bit down on your lip. “But do we really want to go traditional?”You asked.
Bucky shok his head. “No, these kids are different from others. So, they deserve two different names… How about we compromise. You name one baby, I’ll name the other?” He suggested.
You smiled excitedly. “You name the girl, I’ll name the boy?” You raised your eyebrows.
Bucky wrapped his arm around you. “I was hoping you’d let me name her… Because I already had a name in mind.”
Your eyes widened. “Really? Because I already have a boy’s name in mind…”
Bucky moved to sit up, taking this moment seriously. “You go first.” He ushered.
He helped you to sit up. You swallowed the lump that threatened to form. You had the name picked out since you were younger and you hoped Bucky would appreciate it. The first name was easy, and now that you knew Bucky, you wanted to honor him.
“Lucas Buchanan,” You answered. “And we can call him Luke for short.”
Bucky’s eyes widened. “You… You want to give him my middle name?” He asked, his eyes suddenly blurring. You nodded and that’s when you felt him pull you into his lap, his arms wrapping around you.
“Lucas Buchanan Barnes… I love that,” He laughed, kissing you passionately. You smiled widely, thankful and relieved that he approved.
“Alright! Tell me what you have for a girl,” You grinned excitedly.
Bucky smiled. “I’ve given it a lot of thought.. I have a feeling you’ll certainly be up for it, but I was just thinking of how one person in our lives has helped us so much. After all… I wouldn’t have found out you were pregnant without her telling me…”
Your eyes started to widen.
Bucky inhaled.
“I want to name our daughter after the best…Eliza Millie,”He announced
“Bucky,”You gasped, covering your mouth. It was your turn for tears to well up. He held you closer, his lips pressing against yours as you held his cheeks.
“Luke and Eliza,” You whispered. “I think they’re perfect.”
Bucky grinned. “Just like the woman carrying them,” He winked, making your cheeks heat up.
Before you realized it, the two of you found yourselves tucked away beneath the sheets, your hands roaming across one another freely. You were basking in the glow of Bucky,never having been more thankful for somebody in your life. Everything was beginning to make sense now.
Summary: When you’re home alone, you convince yourself that Bucky deserves more
Warning: insecure reader, angst, throwing up, heartbreak, i don’t mean any hate toward natasha during this fic, let’s be honest if my bf was hanging around natasha i’d be insecure, have you seen her???
A/n: was requested (@scorpionchild81) but put my own spin on it to fit my 1k celebration! sorry it’s so short :(
You grip the toilet tighter as you throw up, tears rolling down your cheeks. You’ve been throwing up for what seems like hours, but you’ve been crying for weeks. This happens every time Bucky goes on a mission, leaving you all alone. Things are perfect when Bucky is home, but as soon as he leaves… The doubt sets in.
You don’t hear from him for weeks sometimes, you don’t know where he is, who he’s with… You know Bucky loves you, but should he?
How could he really love you, when Natasha is right there next to him? She’s a badass! She’s just like him… She took her trauma and made it into something positive. She’s beautiful, she’s funny, she’s strong…
All you do is sit at home and wait for Bucky to return. You can’t relate to him about much of anything. He’s 100 years old, you’re 23. Natasha might not be able to relate to the age part, but you know how deep their conversations get about their trauma.
Bucky opens up to her about things he won’t dare talk to you about.
You throw up again, your heart breaking in your chest. You don’t know why you even still try to convince him that he should be with you. You know the truth, he should be with Natasha.
You scramble for your phone, dialing Bucky’s number. You haven’t spoken to him since he’s been gone, which hasn’t helped your anxiety. You don’t want to wait until he’s home, you want the relief now. If you’re not with him, you can’t be upset about what he’s doing when he’s gone.
The phone rings, but proceeds to go to voicemail. Your breath hitches in your throat, a tear rolling down your cheek.
“This is Bucky, leave a message. Or don’t, I probably won’t call back either way,”
The sound of his voice has you choking a sob back, your lip trembling. You hear the beep, scrambling to come up with words. “Uh, Bucky… This is y/n,” You say, rolling your eyebrows as you remember he already knows who it is, thanks to caller ID.
“I know you’re busy, but uh, I thought I should tell you now, before you come home,” You say, your voice broken and quiet. You lean your head against the wall behind you, taking a deep breath. You don’t know how to break this to him, especially over the phone.
You know he’ll be better off without you, better off with someone who understands him. “I won’t be home when you come back. I’m sorry, Buck, but I can’t do this anymore. You deserve better, you deserve someone like you,” You say, your voice failing you, sobs taking over. You instantly hang up, not wanting him to hear you cry anymore.
You sob against the bathroom floor, wrapped in his shirt, knowing you’ll never where his clothes again.
—-
You’re in the bathroom of your new apartment, getting ready for bed. You don’t know when Bucky went home, or even if he went home. You’ve blocked his number, not wanting to put yourself through that pain again.
it’s over, there’s no need to rehash things when he gets home. He deserves better, that’s that. You wonder what he did when he got the message. Was he relieved? DId he run to Natasha, telling her that you were gone? Did he even miss you?
No, he doesn’t miss you. You’re not the kind of girl guys miss when it’s over. You’re the kind of girl guys are relieved about when you leave. Finally, the boring nights, meaningless arguments… It’s over.
Natasha is the kind of girl guys miss when it’s over.
You splash water on your face, closing your eyes as the cold water wakes you up. Water runs down your forearms, landing on Bucky’s red henley. You swore you wouldn’t take any of his clothes when you left, but you always did love this shirt.
You inhale deeply, trying to get yourself to relax, to forget about Bucky. You lift your head up, opening your eyes as you stand straight up. Your breath hitches in your throat as you see Bucky standing behind you, his eyes fixed on yours through the mirror.
“Bucky, how the–”
Before you can finish, Bucky is spinning you around, pinning you against the counter. His eyes are red, his lips puffy and his cheeks red. “How could you?” He asks, breathlessly.
You gulp, your bottom lip trembling. It’s obvious he’s been wrecked, just like you have been. It’s obvious you’ve broken his heart.
“Bucky, I had to. You deserve better,” You whisper, your voice breaking.
Bucky shakes his head, furrowing his eyebrows. “Better? I deserve better?”
You push past him, not wanting to be trapped in this tiny bathroom with him. “You need to leave,” You say, trying to convince yourself that’s what you want.
Bucky follows you, using his metal arm to grab your flesh one. The metal of his fingers burn into your skin, digging into your bone. “Tell me, y/n. If I don’t deserve you, what do I deserve?”
You refuse to look at his eyes. You don’t answer, wanting this to be over already. You were at peace with your decision, why did he have to come back?
“Tell me!’ He barks, raising his voice. You finally look at him, watching the tears stream down his face.
"Natasha, alright? You deserve Natasha!” You say, jerking your arm away from him.
Bucky furrows his eyebrows, taking a step back. “Natasha…?” He asks, muttering under his breath. You wipe your eyes, sniffling.
“What are you talking about?”
You shake your head, dropping your eyes to the ground. “You deserve someone like you, Buck. I can’t understand you. I can try, I can pretend I understand you, but there are things I’ll never understand about you, because I’ve never gone through what you’ve gone through. Natasha has… I can never be what you need,” You admit, your tears rolling down your cheeks.
Bucky stares at you blankly, his lips parted. You can see the gears turning in his head, but you can’t tell what he’s thinking. “Y/n… Natasha is a friend. She’s my friend because she understands what I’ve gone through. But… For you to try to put yourself in my shoes… To try to understand me, that’s what makes you a good girlfriend. I don’t need you to understand me, I just need you to love me.” Bucky reassures you, his voice soft.
You keep your eyes on the ground, sniffling quietly.
Bucky moves closer to you, reaching out and wrapping his arms around you. You fall into his touch, snuggling against his chest. “You’re the only thing that makes me feel human. I love Natasha, but part of me still feels like a monster when I’m on a mission. It reminds me of everything I went through. The best part of a mission is coming home to you, coming home and feeling like a human. You’re the only person who makes it all go away,” He says, cradling your head against his chest.
You allow him to hold you, soaking in his presence. The past few days have been horrible. You’ve been trying to distract yourself from the fact that your heart was breaking in two. You missed having Bucky in bed with you. You missed waking up next to Bucky.
You don’t want to be without Bucky, you want to be with him for the rest of your life. You just want him to have what he deserves. You lift your head, sniffling. “You’re sure I’m what you want?” You ask, your voice quiet.
Bucky cradles your face in his bruised hands, a smile slowly creeping across his face. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life,”
A/N: Okay, I am sorry this has taken so long. My hand and my brain weren’t cooperating, and this isn’t the most exciting chapter, and it’s a bit shorter, but ish is about to hit the fan. Just give it a minute. thanks for reading
Pairing: ex!Bucky x reader
Warnings: mentions of drug use, alcohol abuse, etc. Sexual assault (if this is something you can’t read, skip the italics, please. Take care of you first)
Word Count: 1582
After a near food fight at dinner time (both those super soldiers had it coming), and a night of nightmares, you wake up to the sun glaring in the window and Bruce clicking at his computer near your bed. You stretch, then sit up.
“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Bruce says.
“You didn’t. The sun did,” you say with a chuckle, gesturing toward the light glaring in.
“I can close the blinds?”
“Nah, I’m awake now.” He nods, then goes back to clacking on his computer. “How’s everything look, doc?”
“Very stable, Y/N. You are incredibly lucky.” He looks at you with seriousness in his eyes. “If we didn’t have Narcan, I don’t think we’d be having this conversation, Y/N. I don’t want to underemphasize how close you were to dying.” You nod, looking down at your hands. “Your meetings with Dr. Raynor will continue to be important as we move forward with your recovery.” You nod again, and Bruce goes back to typing on his keyboard. After a few minutes, he squats down next to your bed. “Are you ready?”
“Yeah,” you say, though you weren’t entirely convinced. Somewhere, still, in the back of your mind, you knew you’d run as soon as the Vivitrol wore off. But you didn’t say anything. Bruce nods, and starts unhooking the machine, shutting off the heart monitor and removing the pads from your chest.
It only takes a few minutes before you’re completely unhooked, your IV is out and you are sitting on the edge of your bed.
“F.R.I.D.A.Y.? Please let Captain Rogers know that Y/N is ready to leave the med bay.”
“Yes, Dr. Banner.” He walks around the bed and helps you stand up, steadying you as your legs are weak and you almost fall. It feels good to be upright, though. You smile at him as Steve and Bucky walk into the med bay. Their eyes are on you, leaning into Bruce’s arm for support.
“You sure you’re strong enough?” Steve asks as he gets to your side. You just nod.
“Oh, I brought these,” Bucky says, moving to your side. He has a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt, different from the last time. He hands them to you with a smile. “I figured you might like to get out of that very attractive gown.” You chuckle and stick your tongue out at him.
You change quickly, all the men turning around to give you privacy, much easier without all the cords and wires. Then, at last, with Bucky on one side and Steve on the other, you walk out of the med bay, hopefully for the last time.
They help you walk toward the elevator, then to the main living quarters. You walk with them to the couch in the living room before sitting down, shaky. Your walk exhausted you and you lean against the back and close your eyes.
“You okay?” Bucky says, squatting down in front of you.
“Yeah. Just a little tired,” you say with a smile, not opening your eyes.
“Okay. You rest. We’ll be here when you wake up.” He stands and leans across you to place a kiss on your forehead. Before he stands back up, he whispers, “I love seeing you in my clothes.” Butterflies flutter in your stomach and you try your best to not respond. He stands up and walks away. You sigh, trying to sink further into the couch.
Sometime later, you’re not sure how long or if you even slept, you wake up to the couch next to you shifting. You open your eyes to see Sam Wilson on the opposite end of the couch.
“Good to see you up and at ‘em,” he says with a smile. You smile back. “I know we haven’t really talked much. I’ve been busy with contracts.”
“I know. It’s fine. I haven’t been much fun anyways.” You try to laugh, but it sounds more forced than you like. Sam doesn’t laugh though. He leans back against the back of the couch.
“I knew Freaky Magoo would be there for you, anyways.” You snort at his comment.
“Freaky Magoo?” you ask, humor lacing into your voice.
“He does have a staring problem. You can’t deny it.”
“You’ve got a point, though.”
“Hey!” You laugh at the deep voice behind you. You shift to peek over the couch to see Bucky leaning against the island in the kitchen. He chuckles, then goes back to filling his water bottle. You glance back over at Sam.
“What are we doing tonight, boys?” You melt into the back of the couch and close your eyes.
“Looks like you’re going to bed, Y/N,” Sam says with a chuckle.
“Nah, I’m a real party animal.” As the words leave your mouth, you wish you could bring them back, but you shake your head. “That wasn’t funny.”
“It was a little funny, in a twisted kind of way,” Sam says, and you chuckle.
“I’m nothing if not a little twisted,” you all but whisper.
“Aren’t we all?” Bucky says, flopping onto the couch between you and Sam, instantly lightening the mood. You would thank him if he didn’t keep talking. “I say we watch a movie. We used to have movie nights all the time.” The boys talked about what movie to watch, and, at some point in the conversation, Steve came in, flopping on the other couch in the main room. You barely noticed him coming in, your eyes still closed.
“Okay,” you say, your eyes still closed. “It’s been a long time since I watched a movie.” As it turns out, it would be even longer, because, as the opening scene was playing on the huge TV, you fell asleep, your head slipping onto Bucky’s shoulder.
“Hey,” you vaguely hear, someone shaking your shoulder slightly. You groan, not wanting to move. “Y/N. Let’s get you in bed.” It’s Bucky, you realize but you push his hands away, making him chuckle. “Come on Sleeping Beauty.” He stands up, and you all but flop onto the couch as he moves. “You leave me no choice,” Bucky says, laughter in his voice. You feel his large hands under your torso and legs, and he lifts you up easily. You wrap your arms around his neck instinctively, and nuzzle into the crook of his shoulder. He hums softly, and his swaying footsteps lull you back to sleep.
Lights. Bright lights blind you. Bodies sway and bump into you and you can’t make yourself care. Sweat drips from your forehead, hair, down your back. You grind up against someone behind you.
“Let’s get out of here, baby,” a deep voice whispers in your ear.
“What do I get out of it?” you yell above the pulsing bass filling the room. A chuckle rumbles through the man’s chest, vibrating against your back still smashed up against his front.
“What about this?” he says, holding a white pill in front of your face. You spin to face him. You vaguely think you should ask what it is, but you don’t care, honestly. You stick your tongue out and the man places the white pill on your tongue. You swallow it easily. He grabs your hand and pulls you along with him, out the door, and onto the back of his motorcycle. You hold onto his torso as he weaves in and out of traffic, toward the skeevy apartment complex you both call home, his 3rd floor apartment only 2 floors below your own. It takes a few minutes, but soon, calm and quiet washes over you. The world around you melts away.
After he pulls up to the apartment complex and parks his bike, you all but fall off the side of it, your already short dress hiking up, and you giggle.
“Come on, baby,” the man says, wrapping his arm around you. “Want to have some fun?” He doesn’t even wait for your answer, all but dragging you up the stairs toward his apartment. By the time you get there, your legs are feeling like jello and you can’t make yourself care about anything.
“Here,” he says, running his finger up your thigh. You bristle at the touch, but he takes that to mean anticipation. You try to push him away, but he doesn’t budge. He places a small patch on the inside of your thigh, almost to your panties.
Almost immediately, your eyes roll back in your head and the only way to describe what you feel is euphoria. Everything in the room slips away into blackness and you welcome it.
Some time later, you aren’t even sure how long, you wake up, your dress pushed up and your underwear no where to be found. The man, Marco, your dealer, lays on the ground beside you, his own pants missing. You try to move, but pain shoots through your abdomen, and you realize all at once what happened. You realize you had been raped and you weren’t even conscious enough to remember it.
“Y/N!” Bucky screams, shaking you awake. Your screams still ring through the room though you don’t realize that you are still screaming. Tears fall down your cheeks and every inch of your body is shaking. “Hey, hey, hey,” he says, pulling you into his arms, and you try to push him away, but he doesn’t move. “I got you. You’re safe now.” You scream at him and his grip falters.“Let me go, please! Please!” He does as you ask and you all but fall off the bed and run into the bathroom, closing the door behind you.“Y/N!” Bucky yells after you, but you press your back against the door and slide down it, sobs wracking through your body. “Y/N, open the door please?” Bucky’s voice is sad at first, but he repeats himself over and over, each time sounding more and more frustrated. “Damn it, Y/N. Open the door.” He slams his hand on the door, and you scream in response. After a few minutes, you hear him sigh through the door. “Please, Y/N,” he all but pleads. You curl into your knees, your back still against the door. You feel the door shift and, for a moment, you think Bucky is coming through anyways. He could, easily, break the door, but it doesn’t move again, and you realize he is probably leaning against the other side. You hear sobs through the door, and yours start again.
A/N: In which the past comes to light and there is yelling This is an important chapter, but might not be the most exciting haha hope you enjoy!
Pairings: ex!Bucky Barnes x reader
Warnings: mentions of drug use, alcohol abuse, rape, depression symptoms (though not in so many words), etc.
Word Count: 2366
As promised, Dr. Raynor visits you a few days later. The sun was shining brightly through the window and you’re staring out at the landscape when she comes in.
“Good morning, Y/N.” You don’t move to look at her, so she stops at the end of your bed. “How are you feeling today?”
“Fine,” you say, your usual answer slipping out, but you remember what Dr. Raynor had said about using ‘fine’ so much. She chuckles.
“Are you okay to talk today?”
“Yeah, I guess,” you say, still looking out the window. She must hear the sadness in your voice, because she clears her throat. You glance over at her.
“Want to try again? How are you feeling today?”
“Sad.” Dr. Raynor gives you a small smile, before taking her usual seat beside you, pushing Bucky’s chair away from your bed as she does.
“Anything in particular bringing out that feeling today?”
“I miss being outside. It’s been… too long since I was outside by myself.”
“I see. How does that make you feel sad?”
“I guess I just miss being able to make my own choices.” Dr. Raynor hums, then writes something down on her notepad.
“That must be very hard for you.”
“Yeah,” you reply lamely.
“Dr. Banner says you will get to move out of the med bay tomorrow,” Dr. Raynor says, changing the subject entirely. “How do you feel about that?”
“Uhm, I mean, I can’t leave the Tower so it’s not going to be much different.”
“You’d be out of the bed. Unhooked from all the machines.”
“That’s true. That’ll be nice. Changing my clothes is a… uh, process,” you say with a chuckle.
“I bet, with all those tubes and wires. Are you feeling confident moving forward?” You think for few moments. Confident? Probably not confident, but you were excited to be out of the med-bay. You only had to stick around for 2 more weeks and then you’d disappear. Not that you’d tell Dr. Raynor that.
“Confident is a bit of a powerful word. I’d say more like… tentatively optimistic.” Dr. Raynor laughs at your comment.
“Well, that’s something and we’re not going to pretend that this is a difficult transition for you. We will take tentative optimism. I feel like I should ask how things are going with James? He seems to be here often.”
“Yeah. He’s like a leech. I can’t get rid of the guy.” You laugh at your joke, but Dr. Raynor doesn’t seem to think it’s very funny.
“Have you spoken about the factors that contributed to your relapse?”
“Uhm, no, not really.”
“Do you feel it would make your transition easier?” You think for a minute, feeling a sense of panic build in your chest. Dr. Raynor must notice your heartrate speed up.
“I won’t force you to do something you’re not ready to do, Y/N.” You take a deep breath, but nod your head.
“I think I need to get it out,” you say quietly, and she nods.
“Would you like me there?”
“Please?”
“Absolutely. I have time now, if you’re ready.” You know that if you prolong the conversation, you’ll talk yourself out of it.
“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?” you say out loud.
“Yes, Miss Y/L/N?” Dr. Raynor looks around the room, trying to find the source of the voice.
“Can you have Bucky come to the med bay please?”
“Yes, Miss Y/L/N.”
“What was that?”
“AI. Tony designed him…” You trail off, panic for the impending conversation mixing with grief in a nauseating twist that makes you close your eyes.
“You okay?” she asks.
“Yeah, just nervous.”
“I’ll be right here if you need me. We can stop at any time.”
“Okay.” You open your eyes when you hear Bucky enter the room.
“Y/N? Are you okay? F.R.I.D.A.Y. said you needed to see me?”
“Yes, James. We were talking about Y/N’s transition out of the med bay.”
“There’s some stuff that I need to tell you.” Your words come out a little louder than a whisper. Bucky wrings his hands in front of him, his anxiety building off your own.
“Take a seat,” Dr. Raynor says, moving another chair around to the other side of your bed. He sat and looked at you expectantly.
“I… uh…” You look down at your hands, not able to make eye contact with him. You take a deep breath. “When we… uh… Ugh. Words, Y/N,” you say more to yourself than anyone else.
“Deep breath, Y/N.” It surprises you that it’s Bucky that says it, and you look up at him. He’s smiling at you knowingly. “It’s just me. It’s okay.” You do take a deep breath and look back at your hands. You let out a sad laugh.
“It’s just you. It’s always been just you. There was a time when you were the most important person in my life. I couldn’t imagine a day when I didn’t have you. And then, I.. uh.. I lost you and-“ Bucky interrupts you.
“You never lost me, Y/N. I wanted to go to you every day. I wanted you by my side. Always. I’m so sorry that I hurt you, and I know that you may never be able to forgive me, but I am always going to be here. I am always going to be here, because you deserved that from me before, and I let you down. It won’t happen again, Y/N.”
“I know, Bucky,” you start, but he just continues talking.
“And I know that you might never trust me again. And I totally get that, but I want you to know that I will always be here, by your side.”
“Bucky,” you try to start again, but he, again, starts rambling.
“Shut up!” you scream at him and Dr. Raynor bristles on the other side of the bed. Bucky looks from you to Dr. Raynor, and back to you. “You got to say your peace. Now it’s my turn. I just need 5 freaking minutes without your groveling or apologizing. It’s my turn.” He looks at you with wide eyes, before nodding, telling you to continue. You take a deep, shaky breath.
“When Steve found me, I didn’t want to be found. See, there was a reason I was picking fights with the bigger guy. I was young and dumb, yes, but I was also pretty okay with not being alive anymore, but I didn’t have the guts to do it myself.” Bucky moves to start talking and you tisk at him, and he sits back in his chair, shutting his mouth again. “When you are shuffled from home to home and turned into nothing more than the money that the government gives your family to keep you around, you learn pretty quickly that there really isn’t much you’re worth. So when Steve gave me a purpose, a family that actually wanted me around, I found myself believing it. And I know the intensity that Steve cares, so when he became intent on finding you, his long-lost brother in all respects beside blood, of course I offered to help. Of course I stood beside him, beside you. And from the moment I saw you, I knew you’d be important.” You feel your cheeks warm but push through.
“We didn’t talk much, but you were the one who noticed the changes in me the first time, before anyone else. You cared enough to see that I was different. And that means something to me. You held my hair while I was detoxing. You slept in that awful chair beside my bed in this same room. You didn’t leave, even when I begged you to go. And that meant something to me. I trusted you. When I was better, when I felt like myself, I introduced you to Sarah and she was the only person from my before. And you knew that. You knew she was important to me. And you knew you were important to me. You knew we weren’t just friends.”
“When you went behind my back, you didn’t just take away one friend. You took away all of them. I had 3 people in this world, you, Sarah and Steve, and you took them all with you. I couldn’t have you and I wanted you to be happy. So, you got Sarah. And I couldn’t make Steve choose between us, so I made the choice for him. I had no one. I had nothing. My entire life for years had been the Avengers and the good we did. And you took that from me.” You feel anger rising in your voice, tears stinging your eyes. “You took my whole life just because you couldn’t keep it in your pants, Barnes, and that’s not something I just get to wake up one day and forget.” You reach up and rub your eyes angrily. “I promised I wouldn’t cry any more tears over you and yet, here we are.”
“And how do you feel about that, James?” Dr. Raynor asks. You jump at her voice, forgetting that she was in the room with you. He looks back at her, then down to his hands.
“I know,” was all he said.
“Now you don’t have anything to say,” you mumble. Bucky stiffens beside you, but you look over at Dr. Raynor. “Anything you’d like to add, doc?” Your voice comes out angrier than you meant it to.
“I think that was a good start, Y/N. I know there is more, but you can take it at your pace.”
“Thanks,” you say, looking at your hands.
“Well, Y/N, same time tomorrow?” she asks you, standing up.
“I’ll probably be here,” you joke, though you don’t know when they are moving you out of the med bay. She smiles at you, then glances over at Bucky.
“I will see you for our appointment Thursday?”
“Yep,” Bucky mumbles, nodding to her as she walks out of the med bay. Silence settles on the two of you. You play with your fingers anxiously.
“You know, after I left, after I got my own place, I decided I’d go to our place.” The words fall out of your mouth before you could stop them. “For old time’s sake. I didn’t expect to see you there, but there you were, dancing with her and I just watched you from the corner.” You glanced over to see him looking at you with sorrow in his eyes. “You looked so happy. I was so happy that she made you so happy. It’s all I ever wanted for you. I knew I’d never make you that happy.” You look down to your hands in your lap. “It’s so stupid because I knew it would hurt. I knew my heart would break but I needed to see it for myself. I needed to see you happy, one last time.” You feel a tear slip down your cheek. “It was my goodbye. And then… when the blip happened, when Steve called to tell me you had…” Tears were steaming down your face freely then. “Life just didn’t feel livable anymore. I wandered around the City for a few weeks before running into a guy I went to high school with. He’s a doctor and offered to look at my back. It’s never been the same since that fall in Budapest.” You chuckle but continue. “I didn’t fill the prescription for weeks. I think I always knew I’d end up here, or worse, but it got to the point that I didn’t care. You were gone and I couldn’t get the feeling of your hands out of my mind. I couldn’t get you out of my head.” You look up at him again and he’s still watching you, but he’s crying this time, tears rolling down his cheeks.
“Dr. Raynor told me that she’d never met someone who woke up one day and decided to be an addict, but I’m not going to lie and say that’s not what it was this time. I needed to not think for a while. I knew this was the way I wanted to do it. I needed to forget your hands in mine, and I needed it quickly. Things spiraled from there…” you trail off, looking out the window. You know you need to tell him. You know he needs to know, but you also know it’s your choice. You look back over at Bucky.
“A few weeks before my OD, my dealer… he… uh…” you look at your hands, not able to look at Bucky. “He forced himself on me.”
“He did what?” Bucky all but growled. You look up at him to see anger written on his every feature.
“I was.. uh.. I was high. Too high to stop him.”
“Who is he?”
“I’m not telling you that, Bucky.”
“I’ll kill him.”
“You will not. He’s not worth your time, Bucky.”
“He touched you, Y/N.”
“I need you to calm down, please,” you say, looking at him with sad eyes. His anger melts away and he returns to his sad eyes.
“When I woke up later and realized what happened, something inside me broke. It was like my last shred of desire to live was gone. I went to a rave, and I was awake for like… 90 hours or something. Even when I slept, I woke up high or drunk. And then I did the same thing again. Every day was the same. The pills or patch or alcohol was the only thing that kept me alive.” The irony of that wasn’t lost on you and you chuckled but realized too late that it probably wasn’t funny.
“When Steve called to tell me that Tony…” You look up at Bucky, who is crying again. That’s all it takes for you to lose it. A sob wracks through your body and you collapse over, your arms resting on your folded legs, and sob.
“Hey, hey, hey, doll,” Bucky says, climbing into the bed with you, wrapping his arms around you tightly. “I’m here.” You feel him kiss the side of your head, and feel his tears wetting your hair. It’s not long before you fall asleep in his arms.
A/N: We’re all going to pretend that the timeline works, k? It’s like.. an AU if that helps you haha We’re going to meet Dr. Raynor and learn more about the past and there’s actually some cute fluff at the end, but please don’t get used to it ! So, anyways, enjoy!
Pairings: ex!Bucky Barnes x reader, friend!Steve Rogers
Warnings: conversations about drug use, alcohol abuse, rape, etc., conversations with a therapist, some cute Bucky fluff (because yes, that needs a warning haha)
Word count: 2222 words
After a few days, most of your withdrawal symptoms have subsided. You still feel whispers of nausea whenever you eat, but even that is getting better.
“Doctor Raynor is coming to see you today,” Bucky tells you one day when he brings you your breakfast. You look at him.
“Who is Doctor Raynor and why is she coming again?” You don’t remember him ever mentioning a Doctor Raynor before.
“She’s my shrink. She had to rearrange her schedule to come see you and I expect you to take it seriously.”
“I don’t need a shrink Bucky. I am fine.” You roll your eyes at him.
“You overdosed, Y/N. That’s kind of the definition of not fine.” He sits beside your bed, eating his own breakfast. You grumble, but it’s no use arguing. Bucky is one of the most stubborn people you’ve ever met.
An hour or so later, Steve brings a kind, but stern looking woman into the med bay. You look up as she walks in and Bucky nods to her. He stands up, but pauses, looking down at you.
“Be nice, Y/N.” You chuckle but he gives you a serious look.
“Best behavior. Scout’s promise.” He chuckles at your answer, then follows Steve out, leaving you and the doctor alone in the med bay.
“I am sure James has told you all about me.” You almost bristle at her use of James but try to suppress it. You nod at her statement though. “I’m here to talk about the circumstances of your overdose.” You chuckle.
“You and everyone else, it would seem.” You fold your hands in front of you and look down at them. The woman walks around the bed toward the chair Bucky usually sat in.
“May I?” she asks, gesturing to the chair. You nod and she sits, though she does scoot it back before doing so. “So, Y/N. Tell me about yourself.” You laugh out loud.
“Can we skip that part? It’s not the important stuff anyways. You want to know why I’m an addict.”
“I didn’t say that, Y/N. You did.”
“It’s what you were thinking, wasn’t it?”
“Actually, no, I wasn’t. I was thinking that you were someone with a lot of pressure on your shoulders and who doesn’t have anyone to share the burden with.” You look up at her. “Am I wrong?” You look away for a minute before looking back at her.
“You’re not wrong.” She nods.
“Let’s jump into the important stuff then. Why do you push everyone away?”
“Would you believe me if I said that I didn’t push them away? That they left?”
“The hundreds of missed calls from Steve Rogers over the past 7 years would say otherwise, but sure. Why do you feel that way?” You sigh.
“My parents died when I was young. I grew up in foster care, passed from family to family when they realized I wasn’t the perfect girl they wanted. I got out when I turned 18 and ended up with the wrong crowd. But you know all that, I’m sure.” Dr. Raynor chuckles, but doesn’t say anything, so you continue. “I bet you didn’t know that I almost got myself killed when I was 19 because I picked a fight with someone bigger than my own size, and that’s how I met Steve. He swooped in like a hero and rescued me but realized that I wasn’t going to stop. He saw something in me, the stupid foster kid with no sense of self-preservation and brought me back to the Tower. I met the Avengers and Tony kept me on as an assistant, but I managed to weasel my way into a few missions, proving that I could fight just like the rest of them.” Dr. Raynor nods, taking notes on her little notepad as you talked. She looked up at you expectantly, but you don’t continue.
“Where do the pills come into play?” You chuckle at her question.
“Started out innocently enough.”
“It usually does, Y/N. I have never met someone who woke up one day and decided to be an addict.” You nod at her comment.
“I got hurt and the pills helped. I realized, though, that as much as they helped with the physical pain, they helped with the emotional pain. I guess you could say I needed a shrink a long time ago.” It’s Dr. Raynor’s turn to chuckle at your comment.
“How long did you use that time?”
“A few months. Bucky was living here by then and he is the one who noticed it.” You feel a pang of sadness, but hope you hide it well. “Got me through the detox and I was fine.”
“Fine. You use that word a lot for someone who deals with such intense emotional turmoil, Y/N.” You chuckle.
“Yeah. I figure if I say it enough, I’ll start to believe it.”
“The fact that we’re here should tell you something about that thought process.” You chuckle again.
“You’re not wrong.”
“So what happened this time? Your doctor, Dr…” she looks down at the notebook in front of her. “Dr. Banner said it had been 4 years of using at the time of your overdose?” She looks up at you expectantly. You nod.
“Uhm, I mean, the blip happened and I got some help with an old back injury. I almost didn’t fill the prescription. I think I kind of knew this would happen.”
“Why did you then?”
“Uhm, I’m not.. I mean, I think I wanted a break for a little while. Thought I could handle it. But it went from bad to worse and here we are.”
“People don’t use like you did for 4 years and get out of it alive, Y/N. You mentioned the blip. What about the blip pushed you to this?”
“Bucky.” The word slips out before you can stop yourself and you sigh. The doctor writes something on her paper.
“What about Bucky?”
“He was gone.”
“And you were still close when the blip happened?”
“I mean, no. I hadn’t seen him in 2 years when the blip happened.”
“Why not?”
“Just drifted apart I guess,” you said quietly and you’re pretty sure that Dr. Raynor doesn’t buy that, but she doesn’t say anything more about it.
“What escalated you to an overdose?” You thought back.
“It was a lot of little things, I guess. It took more and more to make myself forget. I needed more pills, or more alcohol. I did everything I could to get rid of myself and the dreams, and the pain and all the rest of it. And then…” you trailed off. Dr. Raynor just waited patiently. “I was, uh, I was raped.” The words come out quietly and Dr. Raynor nods beside me, writing something else on the paper in front of her. “Everything kind of spiraled from there.” You look down at your hands.
“That loss of control must have been very difficult for you.”
“I deserved it.” She furrows her brows.
“Why do you say that?”
“I mean, I was the one who was high. I did that. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Were you able to consent to what was happening?” You look up at her. She is looking at you expectantly.
“I don’t think so, no. I couldn’t have told you my name let alone anything else.”
“Then it was rape, and no one deserves that. Ever.” Her words are firm, telling you there is no room for argument. “No matter how drunk or high you are, you deserve autonomy over your body.” You look at her, tears filling in your eyes. You reach up and rub them away harshly before she talks again. “I would like to continue meeting with you, Y/N. If you’d let me.” You nod, not looking at her. “I know this is difficult for you. You’ve learned that those who you allow in leave, and that makes trusting me difficult. But you don’t need to worry about me leaving. I am here as long you allow me to be.”
“Thank you,” you mumble. Dr. Raynor stands, and you look up at her.
“You’ll get through this, Y/N. I already know you are a strong young woman, and you will get through this.” She smiles at you, before walking around your bed, stopping at the doorway. She turns back to me. “I’ll see you in a few days.” You smile at her.
“I’ll see you then,” you say, and she nods, walking out the door.
It’s a few minutes before Bucky enters the room again, walking back around to his chair, scooting it back up to the bed, his knees pushed against the side of it.
“So how was Dr. Raynor?”
“She didn’t run away screaming so I guess that’s a positive.” Bucky laughs at your comment, and you would listen to it every minute of the rest of your life and never get tired of it. You blush at your thought and look away from him, hoping he doesn’t notice. If he does, he doesn’t mention it.
“Bruce says you are almost ready to get off these machines.” You look over at him and he’s studying you.
“That’s good,” is your lame response.
“You would have to stay in the Tower.” You nod, not surprised. It would be months before they would trust you enough to move back into the City. If ever, you realize, and the same cagey feeling from before returns with a vengeance. You look over Bucky’s head, out the window behind him. He turns around, looking in the same place. You sigh.
A while later, you wake up from a restless nap. The longer you are clean, the more the nightmares return, and you wake up to a sad, knowing smile from Bucky. You rub your eyes and stretch and open your eyes to him holding up a hoodie and sweatpants.
“What’s that for?”
“I’m breaking you out.” He has a smile on his face, but you are just confused. “Come on. It’ll be fun. Put these on.” He tosses them on top of you and turns around, even covering his eyes with his hands. You laugh but move to stand up. You get the sweatpants on easily, but, after getting your hospital gown off, you get tangled in the heart monitor cords and IVs and everything else connected to yourself, the hoodie over your head awkwardly. After a moment of trying to untangle yourself, you sigh.
“Bucky, I need help.” He turns around quickly, but you watch a blush spread over his cheeks as he sees you in your bra, the hoodie over your head awkwardly. You blush, too, but Bucky gets to work untangling you from the wires and cords, and, with every brush of his fingers, cold or warm, on your skin, you curse at the reaction your body has to the super soldier. Finally, though, you are untangled from the cords and wires and the hoodie covers your torso. You look down at it, realizing it is a Brooklyn hoodie. You know then that it’s Bucky’s and your cheeks heat up again.
“Ready?” he says, the blush finally leaving his cheeks. You nod and try to stand up. Your legs are shaky, but you steady yourself. Bucky places his hand gently on the small of your back, probably trying to help steady you, but the contact makes your knees weak again. You fall forward and his arms are around your waist before you fall to the ground. He pulls you against him, steadying you. You mumble a thank you into his chest, and curse yourself for your antics, but you feel at home in his arms. After a few seconds, Bucky looks down at you.
“You good?” You nod and he releases your body, hands staying close to make sure that you are steady. You smile at him after a moment, nodding and Bucky grabs onto one of the hospital poles beside your bed. You realize it has a small heart monitor and your IV bag on one pole, telling you that Bruce at least knows about your adventure. Bucky walks slowly beside you as you walk toward the elevator. Once you, Bucky and all your equipment are in the elevator, he pushes the button to take you to the roof. You look up at him with curious eyes, but he just smiles at you.
After a few moments, the doors open, and you see the sunset across the horizon. The Tower is tall enough that you can see for miles in any direction, and you feel the warm air on your skin for the first time in weeks. Bucky smiles at you and takes your hand in his own, walking you toward the edge of the building where he has two chairs and a small picnic set up.
“You didn’t have to do this, Bucky,” you say as you sit in one of the chairs. He smiles at you.
“I know, but I wanted to. I know how it bothered you to be locked inside and you needed to eat anyways.”
“Thank you,” you say, your eyes filling with tears again. Bucky smiles and nods. You look back out at the sunset, the sky filling with all kinds of bright colors and your stomach filling with butterflies.
A/N: We’re all going to pretend that the timeline works, k? It’s like.. an AU if that helps you haha We’re going to meet Dr. Raynor and learn more about the past and there’s actually some cute fluff at the end, but please don’t get used to it ! So, anyways, enjoy!
Pairings: ex!Bucky Barnes x reader, friend!Steve Rogers
Warnings: conversations about drug use, alcohol abuse, rape, etc., conversations with a therapist, some cute Bucky fluff (because yes, that needs a warning haha)
Word count: 2222 words
After a few days, most of your withdrawal symptoms have subsided. You still feel whispers of nausea whenever you eat, but even that is getting better.
“Doctor Raynor is coming to see you today,” Bucky tells you one day when he brings you your breakfast. You look at him.
“Who is Doctor Raynor and why is she coming again?” You don’t remember him ever mentioning a Doctor Raynor before.
“She’s my shrink. She had to rearrange her schedule to come see you and I expect you to take it seriously.”
“I don’t need a shrink Bucky. I am fine.” You roll your eyes at him.
“You overdosed, Y/N. That’s kind of the definition of not fine.” He sits beside your bed, eating his own breakfast. You grumble, but it’s no use arguing. Bucky is one of the most stubborn people you’ve ever met.
An hour or so later, Steve brings a kind, but stern looking woman into the med bay. You look up as she walks in and Bucky nods to her. He stands up, but pauses, looking down at you.
“Be nice, Y/N.” You chuckle but he gives you a serious look.
“Best behavior. Scout’s promise.” He chuckles at your answer, then follows Steve out, leaving you and the doctor alone in the med bay.
“I am sure James has told you all about me.” You almost bristle at her use of James but try to suppress it. You nod at her statement though. “I’m here to talk about the circumstances of your overdose.” You chuckle.
“You and everyone else, it would seem.” You fold your hands in front of you and look down at them. The woman walks around the bed toward the chair Bucky usually sat in.
“May I?” she asks, gesturing to the chair. You nod and she sits, though she does scoot it back before doing so. “So, Y/N. Tell me about yourself.” You laugh out loud.
“Can we skip that part? It’s not the important stuff anyways. You want to know why I’m an addict.”
“I didn’t say that, Y/N. You did.”
“It’s what you were thinking, wasn’t it?”
“Actually, no, I wasn’t. I was thinking that you were someone with a lot of pressure on your shoulders and who doesn’t have anyone to share the burden with.” You look up at her. “Am I wrong?” You look away for a minute before looking back at her.
“You’re not wrong.” She nods.
“Let’s jump into the important stuff then. Why do you push everyone away?”
“Would you believe me if I said that I didn’t push them away? That they left?”
“The hundreds of missed calls from Steve Rogers over the past 7 years would say otherwise, but sure. Why do you feel that way?” You sigh.
“My parents died when I was young. I grew up in foster care, passed from family to family when they realized I wasn’t the perfect girl they wanted. I got out when I turned 18 and ended up with the wrong crowd. But you know all that, I’m sure.” Dr. Raynor chuckles, but doesn’t say anything, so you continue. “I bet you didn’t know that I almost got myself killed when I was 19 because I picked a fight with someone bigger than my own size, and that’s how I met Steve. He swooped in like a hero and rescued me but realized that I wasn’t going to stop. He saw something in me, the stupid foster kid with no sense of self-preservation and brought me back to the Tower. I met the Avengers and Tony kept me on as an assistant, but I managed to weasel my way into a few missions, proving that I could fight just like the rest of them.” Dr. Raynor nods, taking notes on her little notepad as you talked. She looked up at you expectantly, but you don’t continue.
“Where do the pills come into play?” You chuckle at her question.
“Started out innocently enough.”
“It usually does, Y/N. I have never met someone who woke up one day and decided to be an addict.” You nod at her comment.
“I got hurt and the pills helped. I realized, though, that as much as they helped with the physical pain, they helped with the emotional pain. I guess you could say I needed a shrink a long time ago.” It’s Dr. Raynor’s turn to chuckle at your comment.
“How long did you use that time?”
“A few months. Bucky was living here by then and he is the one who noticed it.” You feel a pang of sadness, but hope you hide it well. “Got me through the detox and I was fine.”
“Fine. You use that word a lot for someone who deals with such intense emotional turmoil, Y/N.” You chuckle.
“Yeah. I figure if I say it enough, I’ll start to believe it.”
“The fact that we’re here should tell you something about that thought process.” You chuckle again.
“You’re not wrong.”
“So what happened this time? Your doctor, Dr…” she looks down at the notebook in front of her. “Dr. Banner said it had been 4 years of using at the time of your overdose?” She looks up at you expectantly. You nod.
“Uhm, I mean, the blip happened and I got some help with an old back injury. I almost didn’t fill the prescription. I think I kind of knew this would happen.”
“Why did you then?”
“Uhm, I’m not.. I mean, I think I wanted a break for a little while. Thought I could handle it. But it went from bad to worse and here we are.”
“People don’t use like you did for 4 years and get out of it alive, Y/N. You mentioned the blip. What about the blip pushed you to this?”
“Bucky.” The word slips out before you can stop yourself and you sigh. The doctor writes something on her paper.
“What about Bucky?”
“He was gone.”
“And you were still close when the blip happened?”
“I mean, no. I hadn’t seen him in 2 years when the blip happened.”
“Why not?”
“Just drifted apart I guess,” you said quietly and you’re pretty sure that Dr. Raynor doesn’t buy that, but she doesn’t say anything more about it.
“What escalated you to an overdose?” You thought back.
“It was a lot of little things, I guess. It took more and more to make myself forget. I needed more pills, or more alcohol. I did everything I could to get rid of myself and the dreams, and the pain and all the rest of it. And then…” you trailed off. Dr. Raynor just waited patiently. “I was, uh, I was raped.” The words come out quietly and Dr. Raynor nods beside me, writing something else on the paper in front of her. “Everything kind of spiraled from there.” You look down at your hands.
“That loss of control must have been very difficult for you.”
“I deserved it.” She furrows her brows.
“Why do you say that?”
“I mean, I was the one who was high. I did that. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Were you able to consent to what was happening?” You look up at her. She is looking at you expectantly.
“I don’t think so, no. I couldn’t have told you my name let alone anything else.”
“Then it was rape, and no one deserves that. Ever.” Her words are firm, telling you there is no room for argument. “No matter how drunk or high you are, you deserve autonomy over your body.” You look at her, tears filling in your eyes. You reach up and rub them away harshly before she talks again. “I would like to continue meeting with you, Y/N. If you’d let me.” You nod, not looking at her. “I know this is difficult for you. You’ve learned that those who you allow in leave, and that makes trusting me difficult. But you don’t need to worry about me leaving. I am here as long you allow me to be.”
“Thank you,” you mumble. Dr. Raynor stands, and you look up at her.
“You’ll get through this, Y/N. I already know you are a strong young woman, and you will get through this.” She smiles at you, before walking around your bed, stopping at the doorway. She turns back to me. “I’ll see you in a few days.” You smile at her.
“I’ll see you then,” you say, and she nods, walking out the door.
It’s a few minutes before Bucky enters the room again, walking back around to his chair, scooting it back up to the bed, his knees pushed against the side of it.
“So how was Dr. Raynor?”
“She didn’t run away screaming so I guess that’s a positive.” Bucky laughs at your comment, and you would listen to it every minute of the rest of your life and never get tired of it. You blush at your thought and look away from him, hoping he doesn’t notice. If he does, he doesn’t mention it.
“Bruce says you are almost ready to get off these machines.” You look over at him and he’s studying you.
“That’s good,” is your lame response.
“You would have to stay in the Tower.” You nod, not surprised. It would be months before they would trust you enough to move back into the City. If ever, you realize, and the same cagey feeling from before returns with a vengeance. You look over Bucky’s head, out the window behind him. He turns around, looking in the same place. You sigh.
A while later, you wake up from a restless nap. The longer you are clean, the more the nightmares return, and you wake up to a sad, knowing smile from Bucky. You rub your eyes and stretch and open your eyes to him holding up a hoodie and sweatpants.
“What’s that for?”
“I’m breaking you out.” He has a smile on his face, but you are just confused. “Come on. It’ll be fun. Put these on.” He tosses them on top of you and turns around, even covering his eyes with his hands. You laugh but move to stand up. You get the sweatpants on easily, but, after getting your hospital gown off, you get tangled in the heart monitor cords and IVs and everything else connected to yourself, the hoodie over your head awkwardly. After a moment of trying to untangle yourself, you sigh.
“Bucky, I need help.” He turns around quickly, but you watch a blush spread over his cheeks as he sees you in your bra, the hoodie over your head awkwardly. You blush, too, but Bucky gets to work untangling you from the wires and cords, and, with every brush of his fingers, cold or warm, on your skin, you curse at the reaction your body has to the super soldier. Finally, though, you are untangled from the cords and wires and the hoodie covers your torso. You look down at it, realizing it is a Brooklyn hoodie. You know then that it’s Bucky’s and your cheeks heat up again.
“Ready?” he says, the blush finally leaving his cheeks. You nod and try to stand up. Your legs are shaky, but you steady yourself. Bucky places his hand gently on the small of your back, probably trying to help steady you, but the contact makes your knees weak again. You fall forward and his arms are around your waist before you fall to the ground. He pulls you against him, steadying you. You mumble a thank you into his chest, and curse yourself for your antics, but you feel at home in his arms. After a few seconds, Bucky looks down at you.
“You good?” You nod and he releases your body, hands staying close to make sure that you are steady. You smile at him after a moment, nodding and Bucky grabs onto one of the hospital poles beside your bed. You realize it has a small heart monitor and your IV bag on one pole, telling you that Bruce at least knows about your adventure. Bucky walks slowly beside you as you walk toward the elevator. Once you, Bucky and all your equipment are in the elevator, he pushes the button to take you to the roof. You look up at him with curious eyes, but he just smiles at you.
After a few moments, the doors open, and you see the sunset across the horizon. The Tower is tall enough that you can see for miles in any direction, and you feel the warm air on your skin for the first time in weeks. Bucky smiles at you and takes your hand in his own, walking you toward the edge of the building where he has two chairs and a small picnic set up.
“You didn’t have to do this, Bucky,” you say as you sit in one of the chairs. He smiles at you.
“I know, but I wanted to. I know how it bothered you to be locked inside and you needed to eat anyways.”
“Thank you,” you say, your eyes filling with tears again. Bucky smiles and nods. You look back out at the sunset, the sky filling with all kinds of bright colors and your stomach filling with butterflies.
The first thing you hear is the beeping, rhythmic and strangely soothing. You focus on the sound, still distant, as if it under water. It lulls you back to sleep.
A few hours later, you are sure you are still dreaming when you hear humming beside you. You can’t force your eyes open. They simply won’t budge, but you listen to the humming mixing with the beeping and somewhere, in the back of your mind, you wonder who it is. You listen and listen until you are asleep again.
The next time you wake, pain fills your body, and you are only vaguely aware that you are throwing up. You have no control over it. Hands roll you onto your side. Whose you don’t know, but you are thankful for them because it’s easier this way, but you throw up and throw up and throw up until your body has nothing left to give, and you throw up still. Stomach acid at first, then nothing at all. After what feels like hours but could have been minutes, you’re not sure, you feel the hands rest you back against the pillow, and sweet darkness comes again.
Cool hands on your forehead, a cloth on your neck, you feel like your skin in on fire. Every inch of your body feels like lava, and you are sure you’re dying. You think about Bucky, though, which you find stupid. You wish you didn’t yell at him. You wish that wasn’t the last memory he’d have of you. You wish you could give him a better memory. You vaguely, somewhere in the back of your mind, wonder if his hands are the hands on your forehead. You equal parts hope so and hope they’re not. You were only just starting to forget the way his hands felt on your body.
When you start to feel yourself slipping away from the darkness, you are almost sad. There is a part of you that wished it would stay, wished that you could stay in the darkness forever, but then you scold yourself. You know you shouldn’t be wishing for that. You know that’s death. The more you wake up, though, the more you wish you could go back. Every inch of your body feels as though you are being ripped limb from limb. Your skin is stretched too tightly. Your hair feels as though each strand is being pulled in a different direction. Bees sting you over and over, your entire body. You wish for death.
“Y/N?” you start to hear, but it’s far away and you’re not sure you heard it correctly. You can’t respond anyways, whoever they are. You just wait, stuck in your body that is slowly dying, and there is no way for you to get out.
Days, hours, minutes later, you can’t tell, you try to open your eyes, but when you do, it’s blinding. Everything is bright, too bright, white searing into your brain. You groan quietly, but try to keep them open, try to adjust. You finally adjust to the white of the room, and you realize it’s a hospital room. Or at least it is made to be one. You realize it is the med bay at the Avenger’s Tower, but there are many more machines than usual. The events from before you passed out start to slowly come into focus. Tony. Pepper. Steve. It’s not too soon, though, that you remember what you need. You remember what will stop the pain. Stop the hurt. You look around the room to find it empty. On a chair near your bed is a neat pile of your clothes, your bag sitting on top.
You shift your body, pain searing through every inch, but you turn your body, hoping to fall on the floor. You do, with a thud, wires tensing and tubes twisting every way from your body. You don’t care, though. One rips off your chest and the beeping machine behind you starts to beep louder. You drag yourself to your bag, dump all its contents on the ground as you frantically look for the mint tin.
“Y/N?” Your eyes dart to the door where Bucky. “F.R.I.D.A.Y. Tell the others she’s awake,” he says, his tone calm as he rushes to your side. “No, no no no Y/N, it’s okay,” he says, grabbing your hands and his strength is no match for yours on a good day.
“GET OFF ME,” you say, trying to yank away from his grasp, but he doesn’t let go. He pulls you into his body, holding you tightly across your arms. “LET ME GO!” You are screaming, kicking and thrashing, trying to get away from the super solider, but it’s no use. You know, logically, it is no use. Your kicking sends the mint tin clattering across the room, and you try to lunge for it, but you don’t budge. Your screaming continues until Bruce and Steve rush through the door.
“Y/N,” Steve says, crouching in front of you. “You’re safe.” He is trying to calm you down, but it does nothing.
“I AM GOING TO DIE!” you scream in his face and his eyes flash with sympathy. “LET ME GO!” You’re still thrashing and kicking, but Bucky doesn’t loosen his grip. Bruce crouches down beside Steve, who holds down your right leg, stopping it’s thrashing easily, and you feel a slight pinch. You continue kicking and pulling against Bucky until, after a few minutes, you feel your legs and arms tire, like you’re losing control of them. You know it’s whatever Bruce gave you, and you wish for the darkness once again.
It never comes, though. Even when your body doesn’t cooperate, when you can’t move, even after Bucky picks you up and lays you back on the bed, the darkness is nowhere to be found. You are trapped in your body, pain searing through every nerve and you know exactly what can help. Pills, pills, pills. That’s all you think about. That’s every thought. Pills.
You hear Bucky, Bruce and Steve talking in hushed whispers across the room, but you can’t get yourself to care about what they are saying. You look at the mint tin, still on the ground near the chair, all the rest of the contents of your bag scattered around. You stare at it, not blinking, willing it to move. You have seen people do all sorts of things and you just want it to work, this one time. It doesn’t though.
Bucky pulls one of the chairs up beside your bed, looking at you with concern in his eyes. You look at him for a moment, before turning away from him.
“Don’t be that way, doll,” he says with a chuckle. You hate the effect he has on you, even on whatever mild horse tranquilizer Bruce had given you. You want to roll your eyes, tell him to leave you alone, but you wouldn’t even you could. Even now, in this big mess, you know you want him beside you.
A while later, you feel the tranquilizer wearing off and you’re able to move a little more. You look up as Bruce walks to the side of your bed, crouching down to be on your eye level.
“How are you feeling, Y/N?” He has a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Fine,” you rasp out, your voice tired from screaming and disuse.
“I don’t believe you,” he says, a smile still on his face, pity in his eyes. “Okay, Y/N, I need you to tell me what you were using. We didn’t find any track marks…” he trails off and you realize the men probably had to change your clothes, meaning Bucky probably saw your underwear. The thought makes you groan internally.
“Oxy,” you say, not entirely lying. You did use oxy. And other things. His brow furrows.
“And?”
“How long?”
“72 hours before your overdose,” Bruce says, flipping into doctor mode. Your eyes widen. Overdose. Overdose. You realize he’s probably right. You also realize you don’t really care. That you wished it had worked. That you never went to Tony’s funeral for them to help you.
“Oxy, Fentanyl, and molly. I don’t’ know what else.” You feel Bucky bristle beside you, but you refuse to look at him, looking at the wall behind Bruce’s head.
“Any alcohol?”
“Yes.” He looks at you expectantly and you realize he wants to know how much. “A bottle of Everclear and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Some shots at the party. I’m not sure what.” Bruce nods.
“Did you take any of the pills with alcohol?” You nod. He nods as well, and you watch him think for a minute.
“How long have you been using, Y/N?” The question settles in the room, and you realize that Bucky probably wants to know as well.
“Uhm, 4 years.”
“You’re lucky you haven’t killed yourself before now, Y/N.” It’s Bucky this time and you want to yell and scream and tell him that he doesn’t get to have an opinion. But you don’t have the energy. Bruce nods, and stands up.
“How long was I out?” you ask Bruce, who pauses, looking back at you.
“12 days, Y/N.” 12 days. Your brain struggles to process his words. 12 days. “You should be through the worst of your withdrawal now, but we’re going to keep you hooked up to the monitors. Long term drug abuse can affect your heart.”
Anxiety begins to bubble up again, the feeling of being a caged animal resurfacing. You want to yank off all the cords and tubes and wires, but you don’t. You shift so you are laying on your back and close your eyes. You take a deep breath, blocking out all the sounds from the room. It’s not until you feel Bucky shake your arm that you realize someone was probably talking to you.
“Y/N?” You hear Bucky’s voice now.
“Hmm?” you ask, not opening your eyes.
“I’m sorry.” They’re the words you had been wishing to hear for years, but it does little to soothe the pain he had caused.
“I know,” is all you could get out. You hear Bucky sigh beside you, and you wonder if that’s not the answer he was looking for, but you don’t care. You weren’t ready to forgive him yet. Maybe not ever.
You must have fallen asleep, because when you open your eyes again, the room is quiet. You vaguely wonder if it’s a trick, but you can’t get yourself to care. All you care about is that mint tin, hopefully back in your bag which is, once again, sitting on top of your clothes. This time you are more careful, careful to stand up and tip toe across the room, not disrupting any of the wires and tubes and cords. You grab your bag and search through it, finding the tin you are looking for. You shake it and realize there is only 1 pill. You take it easily, and tip toe back to the bed. You wait. And wait. And wait. But relief never finds you. You hear someone clearing their throat and snap your head to see Bucky standing in the doorway of the room, leaning against the door jam.
“It won’t work, Y/N.”
“What do you mean it won’t work?” you snap.
“It won’t work. The pill. It won’t work anymore.”
“It’s just because I only took one. I just need more. Please, give me more, Bucky. I’ll do anything. It hurts.” You whimper the words out, getting increasingly pathetic as the words come out. Bucky, though, shakes his head.
“It doesn’t matter how many you take, Y/N. You won’t feel high. It won’t calm down your brain, or anything else. Bruce gave you a shot of Vivitrol, 4 days ago.”
Vivitrol. Vivitrol.
“You had no right.” The words come out as a snarl, and you fight the urge to physically attack the man.
“You gave me no choice, Y/N. We’ve done this, remember? This is the only way.”
“It wasn’t your choice to make, Bucky!”
“It wasn’t your choice either, Y/N! You were laying there unconscious!”
“I was going to wake up! I was going to be okay with or without the Vivitrol!”
“YOU ALMOST DIED, Y/N! WHAT ABOUT THAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?” Bucky’s tone changes to match your own snarl.
“WHAT IF I WANTED TO?” you scream and Bucky stops, breathing heavily in the doorway. You groan and flop back down on the pillow, panting. Vivitrol. You had 26 more days until you’d need another dose. You resolve to get out of the Tower before then. To disappear before then.
“Y/N,” Bucky says quietly, and you realize he is standing over your bed. “Y/N, please. Let me help you.” His words are soft, and you want to believe them. You want to lean into him and let him help you like he did last time. But you can’t. You can’t get hurt that way again. Before you can answer, though, nausea spreads through your stomach and you throw up all over Bucky’s shoes.
A/N: Ah, the plot thickens. Still angsty. Still sadness. I am still not sure how this series is going to progress, but I am here now and I am writing. I don’t know when I’ll update again, but I am trying to get it done as quick as I can. Hope you… enjoy? I feel like that’s not the right word haha
pairing: ex!Bucky Barnes x reader, friend!Steve Rogers x reader
Warnings: so many. Drug use, alcohol abuse, angst, all the stuff. Don’t read if you can’t do that right now.
You look around the room and everyone, every single person in the room, is staring at you. You smile awkwardly but look up at Steve to avoid looking at anyone else. He coughs awkwardly, but it seems to get his point across, and small talk erupts around the room. You sigh, but don’t move from the doorway. You glance around the room, noting Sam, Wanda, Vision and someone you don’t recognize talking to each other, and other small groups of people talking quietly around the room. You shift from one leg to the other.
“Y/N?” you hear to your right and turn to see Pepper standing in front of you. She looks small and frail, sadness filling all her features, but she has a sad smile, looking at you. You walk over to her and wrap her in a hug. You feel her cry softly into your shoulder, but you just hold her, a few tears of your own running down your face. You close your eyes and breathe in her smell, one you missed.
After a few minutes, she pulls away, wiping her eyes quickly, letting out a sad smile.
“I have to be strong for Morgan. It’s not been often that I’ve cried. I am sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, Pepper. Crying is healthy.” You wish you could take your own advice, but you never have been great at showing your emotions. She gives you a sad smile. “What can I do?” you ask quietly, turning around to look around. You note that the table with refreshments is full, and you know it’s probably catered. Someone is probably making sure it’s full. You glance back over to Pepper, but your eyes glance over the one person in the world that you wish you would never see again.
Bucky looks good, more peaceful than you ever remember. His hair is still long but styled in a way that looks more flattering. He has a bit of facial hair, but nothing excessive. And his bright blue eyes are staring directly at you. You quickly look back over at Pepper, asking where you could use the bathroom. She motions toward the hallway behind them, and you thank your lucky stars that you don’t have to cross the room.
You hurry into the bathroom, your legs shaking and, as you close the door, you let out a shaky breath while you slide down the door. You put your head between your legs and laugh out a sob. You are a mess. You showed up to the memorial for the only father figure you ever knew high and drunk, and you can’t even keep your body from shaking long enough to talk with your friends. Or your former friends. Maybe not talking to someone for more than 5 years disqualifies you from being their friends.
You rifle through your bag, finding the mint tin you were looking for. You open it and white pills slide out. You take 2 more easily. After a few minutes, the room spins around you, and you close your eyes, your head on your knees. You’re not even sure how long you sit there, but you barely register knocking on the door behind you.
“Y/N?” a voice says on the other side of the door, but you can’t bring yourself to care. Their voice is far away, underwater. You grunt but you’re sure they don’t hear you. Time means nothing and it could have been a few seconds or hours before you feel your body being moved as the door moves you.
“Damn super soldier,” you mumble when you look up to see Steve hovering over you, his eyes full of concern. You’re sure you roll your eyes, but realize too late that it probably doesn’t look that way.
“What did you take?” he asks, not even questioning anymore if you were high.
“Nothing,” you slur out, trying to stand up but stumbling before you do, falling back on your butt with a humpf. You almost giggle but Steve just stares at you. “’m fine, Rogers.” You stand again and after faltering, almost losing your balance, you stand up, your arms spread to keep your balance. “See?” you say, gesturing down your body toward your legs when they finally decided to hold your small frame. “Fine.”
He stands across from you with wide eyes. You glare at him, and he stares back. You’re not sure how long it takes for him to move. Time is still meaningless, but you hear a yell from behind you, distant and you can’t make out who it was, but you also don’t really care. Steve’s super hearing hears it though, and his eyes flicker from yours to the door behind you. He nods, almost imperceptibly.
“They’re getting ready to start, Y/N. Are you coming, or not?” You almost flinch at the malice in his voice, and you realize that he’s mad. Not that you care. You could sink back to the floor at the base of the sink and stay there forever. You could just sink into the floor, and they could bury you next to Tony, the father who chose you. You can’t help the sob that wracks through your body, then, and your legs threaten to collapse again. Steve is beside you almost before you can blink, steadying you. You try to swat him away, but he doesn’t move. He holds you tightly against himself. You let out a scream you didn’t realize you were holding and Steve kisses the top of your head
“I got you,” he whispers against your hair. You aren’t sure how long it takes before you stop crying, screaming, hitting against his chest but when you feel like you’ve gotten it all out, you let out a sigh. Steve pulls away from you, his hands on your arms, examining your face.
“You look like hell, Y/N.” You laugh at his comment, reaching up to wipe the makeup you know had run from under your eye. You glance over to the mirror, then, and you’re sure that you are not even looking at yourself. Your long hair falls down your back in ringlets, but they are straw-like, unhealthy. Your face is red, but looks like the skin is stretched too thin. Your eyes, red and bloodshot, stare back to you, but there is no emotion left in them. You clear your throat as you hear footsteps coming up the hallway.
You pull away from Steve and adjust your dress, pulling your large sunglasses off the top of your head and putting them on just as Sam reaches the door frame.
“It’s time,” he says quietly and Steve nods, looking back at you. You nod to him before walking with shaking legs out of the room. Steve and Sam mumble something to each other behind you, but you don’t listen. You walk through the living area and out the front door, directly to Pepper, who pulls you into her side, Morgan looking up at you with wide eyes. You give her a sad smile. Steve and Sam walk up beside you and you can feel the concern radiating off them in waves but you ignore it. Today isn’t about you.
The memorial was beautiful and everything you could have imagined. The Avengers loved the man as much as you did, and you felt that. You were, at the end, grateful that you came, but, as everyone disperses and goes back inside, you whisper to Pepper that you have to go. She nods, whispering back that Steve could drive you. You shake your head, telling her that you were fine, that you just needed to get home. Her eyes were full of concern, but she pulled you into her. She hugged you in a way that was a goodbye and you felt that. You knew it too.
She pulled away and she and Morgan walk inside. You turn around to see a different super soldier, the one you had spent so long running from, leaning in the doorframe of the house. You looked at him, through your sunglasses. You inspected his face. The same piercing blue eyes that you had fallen in love with were more peaceful now than ever before. He looked happy, at peace and you love that for him.
“Hi, Y/N,” he says, his voice exactly the way you remember it, deep and rumbly. You give him a sad smile, looking at him.
“Hi, Bucky.” Your words come out sadder than you want them to, but it was a sad day after all. “How have you been?”
“Uh, good. I spent some time in Wakanda, before I uh, you know, dusted.” You chuckle, but it’s not new information. Steve kept you updated in his voicemail messages. “Things have been a lot better.”
“I’m glad, Buck. You deserve to be happy.” You say it sincerely, with a nod.
“From the looks of it, though, the same can’t be said for you, Y/N.” It’s not a question, and Bucky takes a step toward you. All of a sudden, you feel like a caged animal, like if Bucky takes one step closer, you are going to growl and run. He must notice the shift in you, because he stops and puts his hands up. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I will stay here.” His words do nothing to calm you, though, and you feel anger burning up your throat.
“I am happy.” You aren’t even sure where the words came from, and you say them with a force that feels true. You almost believe them. Almost though. It’s obvious that Bucky doesn’t believe you though.
“Okay, Y/N. I’m glad you’re happy.” He is placating you, which only makes you angrier.
“I have to go,” you say moving down the steps and off the porch before you attacked him. You were sure that he’d overpower you easily and, even high, you weren’t dumb enough to pick a fight with a super soldier with a metal arm. He calls after you, but you start running, as best as you can in heels. He catches up easily, though, and just as you have your door unlocked and are opening it, his flesh hand slams it closed. The growl that had been threatening to come does and Bucky flinches, but doesn’t move. You feel him behind you, and now more than ever you are caged.
“What do you want?” The words are filled with malice and venom.
“You’re not driving.” It’s a simple sentence, but it does nothing to calm you.
“Like hell I’m not!” Screaming comes back and you are about to lose it. You feel it.
“Y/N.” It’s Steve now. You are breathing, panting, still facing the car door, Bucky still behind you. Steve leans against the side of the car, looking at you with concern. “Y/N just come back inside.”
“NO!” The scream that erupts from your throat is enough to get Bucky to stumble backward and you turn around, stalking toward him as he catches his footing. His eyes are wide. “You don’t get to come back around me and start acting all high and mighty, Barnes. You,” you stab your finger into his hard chest, and you know it should hurt, but you feel nothing. “don’t get to have a single say in my life, my choices or anything else!” You twirl on your foot and look at Steve, whose eyes are wide. Your hands are at your sides, shaking and trembling.
“I’m leaving now,” you seethe and Steve nods. He stands up and pulls you into a hug and you shake into his chest. You will yourself to hug him back, breathing deeply and trying to calm yourself down. It does little though.
“I’m sorry, Y/N,” he says softly into your hair and, before you even register it, you feel a small stab in your arm and warmth spreading through your veins before the darkness welcomes you once again. The last thing you remember is smiling up at Steve, finally feeling some relief.
A/N: Oh man friends. This is ANGST. That’s it. Just angst. I am not sure where the series is going, but it’s going to be a rough read until then. We’re going to pretend that this works with the timeline, k? haha
Pairing: reader x ex!Bucky Barnes, reader x friend!Steve Rogers
Warnings: drug use, alcohol abuse, angst, so much angst, cute worried Steve Rogers, post End Game trauma, drug use. It’s just angsty. Don’t read if that’s not good for you right now.
Word Count: 1907 words
You stumble through the door after a night of forgetting. The sun was beginning to peak through the window, and you yank the curtains closed with a huff. Your shoes come off one by one, and you barely make it to your bed before collapsing, asleep in a just a few moments.
You are awoken sometime later by your phone buzzing. You groan, fumbling around for it on your nightstand when you remember it was still in your purse, which was also, still, around your neck. You sit up, digging through it before finding it. It stops ringing just as you pull it out but seeing a missed call from Steve meant you wouldn’t have answered it anyways. You flop back onto your pillow, scrolling through your missed calls. Over the past few years, he had called you almost every month, but you never answered. All his messages were saved, and you’d replay them occasionally, especially when you were feeling particularly bad about yourself.
While you wait for his inevitable message, you plug your phone in on your nightstand, and stumble to the bathroom. You look in the mirror and chuckle. Your hair is like a lion’s mane and makeup is smeared down your face. The closer you inspect, though, the more you notice the smaller details. Your eyes are bloodshot. Your cheeks sunken. Your skin, always very vibrant, is dull and dry. It doesn’t take long in your self-pity to glance at the small orange pill bottle on the counter.
The first time you took pain meds was for a good reason. You can’t even remember the fight but fighting alongside the Avengers meant you were bound to get hurt once or twice. The Oxycontin took the edge off the pain. It was a welcomed relief from the crazy that was your life. The problem, though, was that you liked the feeling. It took the edge off the pain, yes, but also the edge off life. It didn’t take long until you were getting yourself injured on purpose, dodging a knife a little too slowly, or trying to take on more than you were capable of handling on your own. Then you met Bucky.
You shake your head at that thought and open the pill bottle. It calls to you with promises of peace and you take 2 in your hand and pop them in your mouth, not even needing water to get them down anymore. It only takes a few minutes before they start to work, spreading calm tingles through your body. You wash your face and try to put your hair into a bun, but remember that Steve had probably left you a message. With a huff, you walk back to your bed and sit on the edge. You unlock your phone and click on the New Voicemail notification. Steve’s voice fills the speaker.
“Hey Y/N, it’s… uh… Steve. Obviously. I am not even sure if this is your number anymore, but…” he pauses for a long time, and you swear you hear a sniffle. “Something has happened. Tony is… Tony is gone, Y/N. He’s gone and we’re doing a memorial at the lake house tomorrow. On Saturday. He would have wanted you there, Y/N. We all want you there.” He pauses again, then clears his throat. “Please. Anyways. Uh. Bye.” The message ends and your heart stalls in your chest. You stare ahead, not blinking. A tear rolls from your eyes.
Tony was more like a father to you than your own father was, but you hadn’t talked to him in a few years. Not since the blip anyways. He called, just like Steve, but you never answered. You knew he could track you. He could have showed up any time he wanted, but you also knew that he respected your privacy and knew you needed space.
Thoughts race around your head, dulled by the pain medication that suns through your blood. You feel the walls start to close in and, with shaking hands and unsteady legs, you make your way to the kitchen, to the unopened bottle of vodka that sits on the back of the counter. You open it easily and take a long swig. It burns going down the back of your throat, but you don’t even care. You continue drinking until the bottle feels heavy in your hand. Soon, you feel your head start to swim and you barely make it to the couch before your legs give out and everything goes black.
You wake up in the middle of the night, having slept for almost 18 hours. You feel like shit, of course, your head pounding and your skin crawling. You shuffle to the bathroom, popping 3 more pills before splashing your face with water. You don’t even bother looking in the mirror this time. You close your eyes, steadying yourself, then crawl into bed and wait for the darkness to come again.
You wake up to the sun and wish you didn’t. You roll over and see that it is the next day. There was a part of you that wishes you had just slept through it, but fate wasn’t so nice this time. You lay awake in bed, not even sure if you are going to the memorial. Your black dress hangs in the closet, all pressed and ready, but you stare at the ceiling and weigh the need for closure with having to see Bucky again.
Bucky came into your life in its darkest moments. He gravitated toward you because, like himself, you had your own fair share of demons. You never looked at him like a monster because you knew that everyone just had to do what kept them alive. He was the first person to notice your drug problem and held your hand through the detox and everything that came along with it. You comforted him through his nightmares and helped him through his trauma.
In the end, though, you were too screwed up and he simply wasn’t ready. Everyone knew it was mutual, but when you said you needed to leave, no one questioned why. It was too hard being there, in the compound. At first, you kept in touch with Tony and Steve. But everyone seemed to be moving on and you were honestly happy for them.
Then the blip happened. Life descended into chaos all around you and it was a chance meeting with an old friend that brought the pills back into your life. You ran into him while getting lunch and decided to catch up. He had told you that he was a doctor now, and suggested you go see him about an old back injury that had flared up. It wasn’t until he handed you the prescription for oxy that it even dawned on you that you could get more pills. You held onto that prescription for weeks, staring at it every now and again, before you filled it. And it took weeks before you took the first one. All at once, though, the world slipped away, and you got a good nights’ sleep for the first time in years, and it spiraled from there.
You kept telling yourself you could always stop. But that bottle turned into another, then another, and when your friend stopped prescribing them for you, you turned to your neighbor who you knew dealt. He knew a guy who could get you what you needed and more, but you never said yes to anything besides oxy. Until a few weeks ago when you went to a rave, and you weren’t even sure what you had taken. The days since then have been filled with booze and pills and whatever else you could get your hands on to lose reality.
Now, though, standing in front of the mirror in your bathroom trying to make your face look less sick and trying to make your dress lay right when you were sure it fit correctly, not hanging off your bones awkwardly, you realize that you may have a problem. You sigh.
“A problem for another day,” you say out loud to yourself while popping 3 pills in your mouth, swallowing them with a swig of vodka.
By the time you get to the lake house your bones are shaking. From nervousness or the pills or something else entirely, but you just know you’re shaking. You stare out the windshield toward the house and decide you can’t do it. You’re sure that you’re going to pass out or something. You are ready to put the car back in drive when you hear a knock on your window. You glance over, blonde poofy hair and Steve Roger’s face. You sigh. You put the car in park and turn it off. You take a deep breath before opening your door.
“Hi,” he says softly, looking at you. If he notices your eyes or sunken face, he doesn’t mention it. Instead, he wraps you in a bone crushing hug, which you chuckle at.
“Hi Steve,” you mumble into his shirt, hoping not to wipe off any of your makeup, but you’re pretty sure you do anyways.
“You came.” It’s not a question, but as he pulls away from you, he touches your shoulders softly, almost as if he was trying to convince himself that you really were there.
“I came.” Your words come out a little shaky, but Steve just places his hand in your own. He gives it a squeeze but doesn’t move.
“You’re shaking.” You yank your hand back, cursing the shakes, but you smile, hopefully convincingly.
“Just nervous,” you say, but you don’t think he buys it. He doesn’t say anything, though, just nods.
“Shall we?” he asks, gesturing toward the lake house. You take a deep breath and nod softly. You walk beside him, your knees shaking and your legs threatening to give out. By the time you reach the doors, you are sure you’re going to pass out.
“You okay, Y/N?” Steve asks as you sit on the bottom step of the stairs up to the house, concern lacing his voice.
“Mmhmm, just need a minute,” you squeak out, trying to breathe deeply and get the darkness on the edges of your periphery to disappear. You almost curse under your breath when he squats in front of you.
“What’s wrong?” His eyes are filled with concern, and you want to tell him to go inside, that you’ll catch up, that you’re fine, but you can’t get the words out. You feel like you’re floating, just above unconsciousness, and you can’t move. You can’t talk. You just sit and wait.
“Y/N?” Steve says, probably about ready to call Bruce to come help by the look in his eyes, but you nod weakly.
“I’m fine. Just a bit dizzy,” you lie, quietly. The darkness recedes from your vision, and you decide you’re okay to stand up. Steve scrambles to stand up and help but you know that you’ve spooked him. He knows something is up.
“I’m fine. Let’s get this over with.” It comes out as a mumble, which you don’t mean for it to, but you’re tired and just want to sleep. You climb the steps, Steve’s hand on your arm, his other on your lower back as if he believes you’ll collapse any minute. You walk through the door to the main room and are met by the waiting eyes of the Avengers.
He says it all woozy and completely deadpan, totally at ease - a natural flirt - like waking up in a hospital with a neck brace on and your motorcycle presumably totaled in some back alley was just another thing on a Tuesday’s schedule to tick off.
Who knows; maybe it was for this guy.
pairing: biker bucky x nurse!reader
summary:bucky barnes is a magnet for danger, bad karma, and pretty woman - not necessarily in that order. a motorcycle crash lands him in reader’s ER, and it looks like he might have just found himself a new game of high-stakes chase.
synopsis: part one of - hopefully - a new series, content warnings for minor medical procedures, i.e., injections and such. biker bucky is always a classic, and i wanted to write it, so i did.
synopsis:y/n and bucky were always bickering, bucky loved to tease and make fun of y/n, y/n didn’t enjoy it as much as he did though. but bucky does something stupid and reckless much to y/n’s surprise.
pairing:college!bucky x college!reader
warnings:cheating, violence, blood, she/her pronouns will be used for y/n, hints of enemies to lovers, cursing
taglist:@sp1deys @inu1gf @stanmixtapes @wilczachannn @peterparkertheloml(send an ask to be added!)
author’s notes: hi everyone!! sorry for being super inactive :( i had covid for a little bit and it made me eat shit (not literal shit) worst experience of my life! please wear ur mask!!
“hey, where’s the princess today?” bucky laughed, a smirk growing on his lips as he sat down at the table his friends were sat in. it was the group of friends’ regular hang out, the great ‘lucky cat café’, that was not so great, the coffee was shit, but at least that meant the group always had somewhere to sit.
sam, natasha and steve all looked at each other, an uncomfortable and uneasy atmosphere suddenly arising at the mention of y/n.
“what? what happened?” bucky’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, originally thinking that maybe y/n had been running late, but the awkward side glances the three were sharing said otherwise, “seriously guys, what’s up?”
“well, um..” natasha took a deep breath, “y/n can’t make it today, she’s busy.”
“that’s bullshit.”
“what? miss her already, buckaroo?” sam teased, trying to distract him.
“i’m being serious, what happened?” bucky questioned, staring at steve. bucky knew steve the best out of the three and he especially knew that steve would be the easiest to crack, “c’mon punk, you seriously keeping secrets from me now?”
“uh..” steve stared right at natasha, who just stared him down as intensely as bucky was, “this isn’t fair, you both aren’t playing fair.”
“fine, if no one is going to tell me, i’ll find out myself,” bucky rolled his eyes, getting up from his seat.
“barnes, wait.” natasha stopped him before he could even attempt to leave, “don’t. she doesn’t want anyone to bother her.”
“tell me what the fuck happened then,” bucky didn’t sit back down, but instead stared at the redhead. she looked guilty and the grimace on her face told bucky he wasn’t going to be receiving good news.
“you know ben, right?” natasha asked.
“yeah, her douchey boyfriend, what about him?” bucky narrowed his eyes.
“he cheated on her, now sit your ass down before you do something stup-“ natasha was interrupted by bucky.
“i’ll be back.”
“james, don’t you dare.” natasha glared at him and he took off running before the redheaded woman could even attempt to stop him.
“JAMES!” natasha yelled, watching him run out the cafe through the windows.
steve started to awkwardly laugh and put his hands up, “hey, i’m just glad it wasn’t me that cracked!”
“shut up, rogers.” natasha hit him on the arm, making him let out a whiny ‘ow’.
“we should really go after him..” sam pointed out, bringing attention back to the fact there was a wild bucky on the loose.
“yeah, we should.” steve agreed.
“you both say not moving an inch out of your seat?” natasha raised an eyebrow, smirking.
“y’know maybe he can actually confess to her instead of acting like a school boy and picking on her,” sam suggested, shrugging his shoulders.
“we all know he’s not going to y/n.” steve sighed.
“c’mon let’s get the dog back on a leash.” natasha got up from her seat, dumb and dumber quickly following after her.
after catching up to bucky, sam and steve each grabbed one of bucky’s arms pulling him away from the unconscious man laying on the ground, bucky may have knocked him out, but ben still managed to get a few decent hits on bucky, the bruises along his jaw and around his eye telling that much along with the blood trailing down his face from his nose.
“buck, enough! leave it!” steve yelled at bucky, who was still struggling in both steve’s and sam’s arms.
“i’m not done! this fucking asshole-“ bucky’s yelling was interrupted by steve.
“i said leave it! it’s not worth it!” steve yelled at his childhood friend, who slowly stopped resisting the two men holding him and just let his arms hang around their shoulders.
“jesus james, are you trying to get kicked out of this college? c’mon, let’s get you somewhere you can get cleaned up.” natasha sighed at her friend, “don’t think i won’t be kicking your ass later.”
“wouldn’t doubt it for a second..” bucky chuckled, then groaned at the metallic taste in his mouth. he spat the blood filling his mouth at the ground and sam started to scold him.
the four of them all rushed into nat’s dorm room, the one she shared with y/n and they laid bucky down on the small couch the two had managed to squeeze in there.
“what the fuck is going on?” y/n got out of bed quickly, staring at the four that had just barged into her dorm.
“hey doll, how’s it hangin’?” bucky smiled lazily, putting his arm up to wave at y/n.
“what the fuck happened to him?” y/n stared at natasha and then walked over to bucky, “what did you do, james.”
“what ever happened to… ‘hello!’, ‘how are you?’, ‘what’s up’?” bucky laughed, staring up at y/n’s face that was looking at his bruised face.
“you look like shit, barnes.”
“should see the other guy, doll.”
“y/n, sorry about this, but do you mind.. fixing him up?” steve asked, feeling guilty about even asking her for a favour.
“yeah, yeah, of course, just someone tell me what the fuck is going on,” y/n responded, getting out a first aid kit and taking out some alcohol wipes.
“ben.” was all that natasha had to say for y/n to understand and it was really only what she could say. y/n’s body stiffened and she turned to bucky with a sad expression. sure, she didn’t really hate him, but the two always bickered, why the hell did he go after ben.
“bucky, did you fight ben?” y/n asked, now crouching beside him, whilst ripping open the alcohol wipes.
“that’s our cue to get the hell out of here, see you!” sam grabbed steve and nat, making a beeline to the door.
“more like i beat his ass, darling,” bucky chuckled.
“what is wrong with you, why would you do that?” y/n sighed, cleaning the blood off his face.
“i know what he did,” bucky’s voice was more serious now, “i can’t believe he would even fucking think of doing that to you, let alone actually doing it! no one gets to be an asshole to you, y/n.”
y/n smiled slightly at his sincerity, “buck, you’re an asshole to me all the time.”
“yeah, well i’m special, no one gets to be an ass to you, but me.” he smiled back at her.
“you’re so stupid, bucky..” y/n grabbed the nearest bin and threw away the bloody wipe, “seriously, you didn’t have to do that, i know you’re constantly itching for a fight, but .. you really shouldn’t have done that.”
“it’ll teach a lesson to your next boyfriend for sure.” he grumbled, a hint of jealousy laced in his words.
“yeah? what if you were my next boyfriend,” y/n joked, but bucky’s eyes widened and he stared at her.
“i’d treat you a lot better that’s for damn sure!” he laughed, but his laughter was cut short as he groaned in pain at the bruise starting to hurt on his jaw.
“you really are a reckless idiot, james.”
“what can i say? reckless is my middle name,” he smirked.
“yeah, okay, buchanan.”
“not funny, don’t call me buchanan,” he tried to be serious, but seeing y/n smile just made his heart soften, “you know, you can talk to me about it if you want?”
y/n sighed and her gaze dropped, “i already knew.”
“what?” bucky looked confused at the confession.
“i knew he had been cheating on me.. for months now, but i thought.. hey, he’ll stop.. he loves me really, y’know?” y/n chuckled bitterly, whilst bucky just stared at her in shock, “i loved him, but every time i checked his phone i loved him less and less, i just felt trapped in the relationship. i guess in a weird way, i’m glad i caught him with my own eyes, because i’d have an excuse to dump him without sounding like a paranoid girlfriend… i’m so stupid.”
“hey, hey, hey, you aren’t stupid,” bucky sat up and let y/n lean her head on his knees whilst she was crouched on the floor, “you are one of the smartest girls i have ever met in my entire life, y/n, jesus sometimes you speak and i just don’t understand what on earth you are saying! would it kill you to speak at a dummies level for once, so i can understand ya? y/n.. he’s just a dumb guy and there will be so many more guys for you, hell, any guy out there would be winning the lottery to call you their girl! i know i’d kill to get to call you that, you’re an amazing girl, don’t doubt it for a single second, okay?”
y/n had looked up at him and he held her face in his bruised hands gently, smiling at her. she had a shaky smile on her lips and the tears were spilling out of her eyes, but not for ben, but because of how touched she was by bucky’s words.
“you’re such an asshole, buck.” y/n laughed.
“wow, okay, not the response i was expecting!” bucky sarcastically joked, sliding down on the the ground next to her and opening his arms for a hug, which she gladly accepted. the smell of his cologne made her smile, it was a cologne that only dads and old men would wear and it made y/n smile.
“how can you say that stuff and expect me to not be in love with you,” y/n mumbled into his shirt, hiding her face from him, dreading the rejection she expected to get from him. bucky’s arms just wrapped around her tighter and he squeezed her, a dopey smile spreading across his face.
“maybe i’m hoping that will happen,” he whispered into her hair.
“you still gonna make fun of me for doing stupid shit, right?” y/n chuckled.
“wouldn’t dream of stopping,” he smiled, placing a kiss onto the top of his head, “when you’re feeling better and after you’ve healed from that asshole, how about i take you out somewhere? like.. a date.”
“i’d love that.”
“the only asshole you’ll be seeing from now on is me.”
“buck, as romantic as that is, you realise how weird that sounds,” y/n laughed, pulling away slightly to look at his face.
“i didn’t mean.. no, i didn’t mean it like that! you little weirdo, get your head out the gutter!”
“my bad, my bad!” y/n laughed at the flustered man in front of her.
Summary:Reader feels lost, and she finds comfort in the arms of someone she didn’t expect.
Warnings:depression, suicidal thoughts, implied attempted suicide (very light, only if you squint real hard)
Author’s Note: When I started writing this I was in a very bad place. I started wirting it because I felt exactly as reader feels in this fic. And this was my only outlet. Daydreaming as always. It helped a little fantasizing that my very own Bucky would comfort me in my darkest days, so I decided to share this with you all. I hope it helps those who need it, if only a little bit. You’re not alone. Don’t forget to reach out for help. Attempting against your life is never the answer, guys. You matter. You’re important and people do care. We don’t have to live through this alone. And I know it isn’t easy. And I know it can’t be cured with a fanfiction. I know.But knowing people care, sharing the way you feel with people you love and people who love you does help. It makes things easier, lighter. And if you ever need to talk to someone, you can always come to me. It gets better, guys. It really does. Stay safe. I love you all <3
Summary:Reader feels lost, and she finds comfort in the arms of someone she didn’t expect.
Warnings:depression, suicidal thoughts, implied attempted suicide (very light, only if you squint real hard)
Author’s Note: When I started writing this I was in a very bad place. I started wirting it because I felt exactly as reader feels in this fic. And this was my only outlet. Daydreaming as always. It helped a little fantasizing that my very own Bucky would comfort me in my darkest days, so I decided to share this with you all. I hope it helps those who need it, if only a little bit. You’re not alone. Don’t forget to reach out for help. Attempting against your life is never the answer, guys. You matter. You’re important and people do care. We don’t have to live through this alone. And I know it isn’t easy. And I know it can’t be cured with a fanfiction. I know.But knowing people care, sharing the way you feel with people you love and people who love you does help. It makes things easier, lighter. And if you ever need to talk to someone, you can always come to me. It gets better, guys. It really does. Stay safe. I love you all <3
Bucky could always tell if you’d cried yourself to sleep during the night. Your pretty eyes would be puffy and reddish the next morning. Your shoulders would hunch over, as if the weight you’d cried off the night before hadn’t left completely. You’d shuffle your feet across the floor. You’d look numb, weary. And he always knew that crying all alone in your bed at night had left you feeling worse than before.
“Hey, doll,” he greeted quietly when you entered the kitchen.
You lifted your face up to see him sitting on the stool across from the kitchen table. The sunlight that came from the window behind him shone on his bed hair, creating a halo around his head that made him glow.
“Hey, Buck.” You smiled weakly at him in an attempt to hide the fact that you’d cried the night before. But the smile, as weak as it had been, was real. Seeing him always made your heart feel less heavy and the weight over your shoulders dissipated for a little while.
You walked towards the stove that was behind him and filled the teapot with tap water before setting it onto the flame. You placed your hands on the edge of the counter and let your head fall forward. You let out a silent sigh, and prayed that the remnants of the tears shed last night weren’t noticeable to Bucky.
“Everything okay, doll?” he said behind you, tentatively.
You lifted your head up and turned to see him. He was looking at you worryingly, and he’d turned his whole body in your direction. He didn’t attempt to hide the scowl of concern on his face.
You attempted a smile, but it didn’t come out right. Everything was not fine. And you were dying to tell him just that. But you knew if you did, you’d crumble before him, and that was something you couldn’t afford. Looking weak in front of people wasn’t something you were very fond of.
“Yeah, Buck. Everything’s fine.” You shrugged your shoulders in a weak attempt to be nonchalant.
Bucky knew better, but he didn’t push.
He stood up from the stool and shortened the distance between you two in a few strides. He towered over you by a good 8 inches. His presence wasn’t intimidating. He didn’t make you nervous. He made you feel at peace. And you wondered what it’d be like to be wrapped up in his arms, if a hug from him would ease the pain in your chest and lift the weight off your shoulders.
He placed both hands upon your upper arms and said in the most soothing voice: “I’m here if you need me, doll.” He looked intently into your eyes, and you were trying so goddamn hard not to cry. “Always.” He smiled and squeezed your arms softly before letting you go and walking out of the kitchen.
And you knew and embrace from him would definitely help you ease the pain. And you found yourself longing to be held by Bucky Barnes.
-
It was taking a toll on you. You couldn’t focus on missions anymore. You were in a bad mood all the time. You’d snap at everyone for everything and anything, and all you wanted was to sleep. Sleep all day. Sleep and not worry about life anymore. You weren’t sure when, but you’d started to wish to never wake up.
But the world needed you. And you couldn’t afford sleeping all the time. You couldn’t afford being distracted during missions because you would not only jeopardize your life, but also your teammates’.
And it was too much. The weight of the world was upon your shoulder. The weight of being a good soldier, a good agent was upon your shoulders. The weight of everything was upon your shoulders. And the tears that you shed in your bed every night weren’t nearly enough to lift it all off. You were fading away and there was nothing you could do about it. And if there was, you didn’t care to find it.
-
“You could’ve gotten killed, Y/N!” Tony yelled as he paced back and forth across the carpeted living room floor. His right hand swiped along his hair, pushing it back and away from his face.
“Wouldn’t that had been delightful?” you said, trying so little to hide the fact that you didn’t care.
“What?” Tony stopped his pacing and stood in front of you. He couldn’t quite figure out if you were serious, and there were both anger and concern in his features.
You were all used to bottling things up. If you were sad or depressed or angry, you bottled it all up. There was no time for feelings. You all had more important things to do. You were looked up to. And people didn’t want to see sad agents. They wanted sparkly agents, happy avengers that would gladly give their life for them, as ungrateful as they were.
You sighed wearily and rolled your eyes as you stood up from the couch. “Nothing, Tony.” You patted his shoulder before walking past him towards the staircase.
“Are you okay, Y/N?” And the concern in his voice was noticeable, but god you didn’t have the energy to do this right now. You didn’t have the energy to do anything at all lately.
You stopped at the first step and turned your body in his direction. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m not allowed to not be okay.” You shrugged your shoulders and went upstairs, leaving him with dread hanging over his head.
-
It was too much. Everything was too much. The little things that used to bring you joy had ceased to be important to you. Being in combat, fighting the bad guys, kicking some hydra ass were things you utterly enjoyed. But that was gone too. You saw no light at the end of the tunnel. It kept getting darker and deeper, and your resilience was wearing thin. You were disappearing and nobody cared. Not even you.
The music in your ears was loud, and the tears flowed free down the sides of your face, disappearing into your hair. Music used to bring you peace of mind, and you were trying so desperately to find it again. You were trying desperately to cling to the remnants of life that could keep your feet grounded onto this world. And it wasn’t happening. Nothing worked anymore. Not even music. So what was the point on keep on living then? If nothing could bring you joy anymore? If nothing could spark a little bit of life into you? And the thought appeared in your mind in a flash, almost fleeting. And you held onto it. Onto your last hope. Your last resource.
It would be so easy, wouldn’t it? You had the means. You had the weapons. You had the knowledge so it would be as painless and quick as possible.
So why then were you taking so long? Why were your hands shaking? Why was all your body shaking? Why were there tears running madly down your face if this was what you wanted to do?
The gun felt heavy in your hand, and you dropped it as if it were scorching hot. And you ran. You stormed off your quarters and let your legs guide you to wherever they wanted to go. You let your heart guide you to the one place you knew you’d feel safe from your own thoughts; the one place you’d feel safe from yourself.
It was as if he’d sensed you’d come because he opened the door just when you were about to knock. And there he was, standing tall and broad and waiting.
He didn’t say a word, but you sensed he knew why you were standing on his doorstep, crying and shaking. He didn’t say a word, and he didn’t have to, because when he opened his arms, you stepped into them in a heartbeat, with no doubt in your mind that this was the place you needed to be at the most right now.
When his arms wrapped around you, it felt as if all the broken pieces of your shattered soul were being glued back together, back in place. It was as if he was absorbing all the bad thoughts and feelings that had been consuming you for months. And you held onto him. You held onto him as if your life depended on it. And it did in a way.
You sobbed into his shirt, leaving a damp spot on the fabric. He ran his right hand through your hair, soothing you, comforting you. He placed his right cheek on top of your head and brought you closer to his body when your sobs became cries. He never said a word, and he never urged you to stop crying.
“It’s gonna be okay, doll,” he whispered against the top of your head; his hands never ceasing to stroke your hair and back soothingly. “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
And it was all you needed. Someone who cared. Someone who showed they cared. Someone who allowed you to live your feelings without trying to shut you down.
This was the light at the end of the tunnel. The spark of hope that you were so desperately looking for. And here it was, in the arms of a man who had always been there but you’d been too blind to see it.
Going back to normal wasn’t going to be easy, and you were aware of it. But knowing Bucky cared, knowing Bucky was there to pick you up, would make it less difficult. And it was worth staying for.
Summary: There are only three words that would make Reader stay by Bucky’s side.
Warnings: Feels. So many feels.
Author’s Note: I had been feeling very low and this came to mind when I was listening to this song. As always, let me know if there’s any typo. (I swear guys the next fic will be smutty as hell.)
Summary:You hadn’t known what happened. One moment, you were running for your life. The next moment, you were falling from the sky and your only hope was calling the one number you had to save you. You were in a universe where the Avengers existed and you had no idea what to do. You fight between doing what’s right and what feels right. Do you return to your own universe or do you stay with the people you love?
[Set after AoU and canon divergence after.]
Warnings:18+. polyamorous relationships. F/M, F/F, F/F/F, F/M/M. Eventual smut. Explicit Sexual Content. Canon-level violence. sugaring relationship. Angst. Explore themes of domestic violence and family issues. Domestic fluff. Slow Burn.
Note:Yeah, I said reader gets with everyone. What about it? LOL This is my self-indulgent fic. Therefore, sporadic updates but we’re here for the fun! Chapters with sexual content will be marked with a *. There are no set amount of chapters, so I will add as I go :)
