#comedy

Haley: In ‘Legally Blonde’, Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute.

Phil: Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie.

Modern Family. “Arrested”.

When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like “whaat?”

Phil Dunphy, Modern Family. “Schooled”.

Phil: Let me buy Lily a new doll. It’s my fault Cam fell.

Mitch: No, no need. The My Sweet Companion store actually has a hospital with an on-call doctor. […]

Cam: Yeah don’t worry, she has medical insurance.

Mitch: Yeah, and I think we’ve met our deductible for the year so you should be good.

Gloria: Do you know what a doll is in my village? An apple on a fork.

Modern Family. “Virgin Territory”.

Cam: I’m playing a new drinking game. It’s called “Every time I’m depressed, I take a drink”.

Mitch: That game already exists. It’s called alcoholism.

Modern Family. “Aunt Mommy”.

All my shirts get ironed, and their seams should appear straight, just like their owner.

Cameron Tucker, Modern Family. “Treehouse”.

Luke: What were they doing?

Alex: Nothing!

Luke: Whatever it was, it looked like Dad was winning.

Modern Family. “Caught in the Act”.

Buy low, sell high. People are gonna see this and say “that guy’s high”.

Phil Dunphy, Modern Family. “Moon Landing”.

My sister and I were actually a very good team. We were called “Fire and Nice”. I was Fire, because of the red hair, and Claire was Nice, because it was ironic and she wasn’t.

Mitchell Pritchett, Modern Family. “En Garde”.

Dina: Three owls? Newsflash, owls are notoriously solitary!

Cheyenne: Three-owl bitch.

Superstore. “Christmas Eve”.

For the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everybody that he was my daughter. *Laughs* But just for a few times. I didn’t want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died.

Gloria Pritchett, Modern Family. “Come Fly With Me”.

Mitchell: Cam, just-

Cam: Yes I know. I’ll tamp down my natural gifts and dance like a straight guy.

Mitchell: No slapping your own butt.

Cam: But that’s how I make my horsey go.

Modern Family. “The Bicycle Thief”.

Jay: If you two are bored, get a dog.

Mitchell: Ok, we’re not bored, Dad. […]

Claire: I think what Dad is trying to say is that, Mitchell, you’re a little uptight, kids bring chaos, and you don’t handle it well.

Mitchell: That’s not what Dad’s saying, that’s what you’re saying and it’s insulting in a whole different way.

Modern Family. “Pilot”.

I don’t dance. I’m from the town in Footloose.

Nick Miller, New Girl. “Cece Crashes”.

Dan: I read this thing online about white savior complex, and I guess that’s me.

Mateo: Did you read the whole thing?

Dan: Wow. Dan, the White Savior.

Superstore. “Self-Care”.

Cheyenne: Do you think she’s planning to Gone GirlSandra?

Jonah: I think she’d have to Gone GirlJerry.

Justine: What’s the one with the girl on the train?

Jonah:The Girl on the Train?

Justine: Right. Maybe she’s gonna do that to Sandra.

Garrett: Put her on a train?

Marcus: Oh man, could you imagine?

*Sandra enters*

Sandra: Sorry I’m late, everybody.

Glenn: Oh, thank God! We thought you were on a train.

Superstore. “Testimonials”.

Liz: Hello, Beverly.

Bev: It’s just Bev, Liz. My mother died while naming me.

30 Rock. “Florida”.

I loved my mother, Lemon, obviously, because of Stockholm Syndrome.

Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock. “Florida”.