#dorm food
ITS GODDAMN HOT OUTSIDE! BACK TO SCHOOL IS BACK ON ITS BULLSHIT!
TIME TO EAT THE PREFERRED FRUIT OF MONSTERS OF THE MIDWEST!
And by that I mean sweet corn. It’s cheap as FUCK in late summer. Do you have $2? GET READY FOR SO MUCH CORN YOU’L HAVE TROUBLE CARRYING IT ALL!. (Especially if you can get it off the back of some guy’s truck)
This recipe goes out to all the educate’n and just-trying-to-get-by motherfuckers. We’re making sweet corn in a coffee maker.
If you’ve got a pot and a stove handy, just shuck ‘em, de-hair ‘em, and chuck them in some boiling water for about 15 minutes. Ta da! Corn.
But if you’re stuck somewhere with only a coffee maker and your fragile dreams for the future, or you’ve never made corn on the cob before, get ready to SUPPLEMENT YOUR DREAMS WITH THIS SHIT!
Step 1) BUY CORN. If you live in the USA it should be cheaper than a straight guy’s opinion this time of year.
STEP 2) STRIP IT TO ITS UNDERGARMENTS. Ask consent first.
STEP 3) PART AND YANK OUT ITS HAIR LIKE ITS A RIVAL CHIMP IN YOUR 3-YEAR EXPERIENCE WITH WARFARE
STEP 4) BRUTALLY BREAK ITS SPINE RIGHT IN HALF. THE BATMAN IS NO MORE!
STEP 5) RINSE OUT YOUR COFFEE MAKER, FILL IT WITH CORN AND WATER
STEP 6) TAKE OUT THE CORN TO NOTE WHERE THE WATER LINE IS. Empty the coffee pot, rinse, and fill with fresh water back to that line. YELL ABOUT SCIENCE AS YOU USE THE POWER OF DISPLACEMENT
(I actually added more water than this. My water line was closer to 7.5 cups)
STEP 7) UNTAINTED WATER GOES IN COFFEE MAKER. CORN GOES IN POT!
STEP 8) INTRODUCE LIGHTNING
STEP 9) wait like 40 minutes. Maybe watch an episode of the Witcher? It’s corn cooking time.
STEP 10) CORN IS READY! EAT IT!
—
Dress up your corn with:
- butter
- bbq wing sauce
- Mayo and Parmesan cheese
- NOTHING, EAT IT WITH THE STEAM IT WEEPS AS IT SCORCHES YOUR GUMLINE IN SELF DEFENSE!
Something that I feel very bittersweet about is my eating schedule.
Eating in college is a weird thing. I live in a dorm, so I have a meal plan offered by my university. I selected the 100 Meals meal plan, meaning on average I will likely eat 1-2 meals a day, 5 days a week (in the dining hall). What’s frustrating though, is that when the dining hall is closed between meals, that’s when I find myself starving. In our dorm we have a LOT of breakfast food, like bagels, peanut butter, oatmeal, cereal, and milk, but I’m not always in the mood for cereal.
Right now I’m starving. I’m going to eat a bagel with peanut butter on it (Adam’s peanut butter, the good kind) and browse Tumblr before my roommate and I go off to do some yoga.
Dining hall food really isn’t that bad. Some of the food they offer isn’t always the best, but there are so many options, especially for someone like me who doesn’t eat meat. There are vegetarian, vegan, and gluten free options always available, which is nice, and even healthy options, instead of just burgers and fries. I made a salad yesterday that had tofu cubes on it (I love tofu) and it was delicious. People who constantly say bad things about dining halls must not have had very good luck.
We even have fruit infused water: lemon-lime, lemon, grapefruit, cucumber, and orange. Orange water is nice. Now to get that bagel.
Fin.
