#coffee maker
lets say you have a friend.
you also have a coffee maker.
your friend comes over a lot, but they keep talking about your coffee maker. every time, they tell you about how awesome your coffee maker is. they think its a compliment. they hint about how they want you to make coffee for them. sometimes they even come into your house to make themselves coffee. though they assure you it’s you they like, they never spend any time more than necessary getting to know you and spending time with you. it doesn’t take too long for you to realize that they don’t actually like you, they just like your coffee.
don’t let it be harder to realize in relationships. girls, you have a body. you are not your body. you have boobs. you are not your boobs. you have a butt. you are not your butt. guys comment on you on your body, thinking it’s a compliment to you but it isn’t. it’s like telling you they like you because of your coffee maker or your car or your dining room table, or couch or any other thing that you own.
ITS GODDAMN HOT OUTSIDE! BACK TO SCHOOL IS BACK ON ITS BULLSHIT!
TIME TO EAT THE PREFERRED FRUIT OF MONSTERS OF THE MIDWEST!
And by that I mean sweet corn. It’s cheap as FUCK in late summer. Do you have $2? GET READY FOR SO MUCH CORN YOU’L HAVE TROUBLE CARRYING IT ALL!. (Especially if you can get it off the back of some guy’s truck)
This recipe goes out to all the educate’n and just-trying-to-get-by motherfuckers. We’re making sweet corn in a coffee maker.
If you’ve got a pot and a stove handy, just shuck ‘em, de-hair ‘em, and chuck them in some boiling water for about 15 minutes. Ta da! Corn.
But if you’re stuck somewhere with only a coffee maker and your fragile dreams for the future, or you’ve never made corn on the cob before, get ready to SUPPLEMENT YOUR DREAMS WITH THIS SHIT!
Step 1) BUY CORN. If you live in the USA it should be cheaper than a straight guy’s opinion this time of year.
STEP 2) STRIP IT TO ITS UNDERGARMENTS. Ask consent first.
STEP 3) PART AND YANK OUT ITS HAIR LIKE ITS A RIVAL CHIMP IN YOUR 3-YEAR EXPERIENCE WITH WARFARE
STEP 4) BRUTALLY BREAK ITS SPINE RIGHT IN HALF. THE BATMAN IS NO MORE!
STEP 5) RINSE OUT YOUR COFFEE MAKER, FILL IT WITH CORN AND WATER
STEP 6) TAKE OUT THE CORN TO NOTE WHERE THE WATER LINE IS. Empty the coffee pot, rinse, and fill with fresh water back to that line. YELL ABOUT SCIENCE AS YOU USE THE POWER OF DISPLACEMENT
(I actually added more water than this. My water line was closer to 7.5 cups)
STEP 7) UNTAINTED WATER GOES IN COFFEE MAKER. CORN GOES IN POT!
STEP 8) INTRODUCE LIGHTNING
STEP 9) wait like 40 minutes. Maybe watch an episode of the Witcher? It’s corn cooking time.
STEP 10) CORN IS READY! EAT IT!
—
Dress up your corn with:
- butter
- bbq wing sauce
- Mayo and Parmesan cheese
- NOTHING, EAT IT WITH THE STEAM IT WEEPS AS IT SCORCHES YOUR GUMLINE IN SELF DEFENSE!
