#nutfree

ITS GODDAMN HOT OUTSIDE! BACK TO SCHOOL IS BACK ON ITS BULLSHIT!

TIME TO EAT THE PREFERRED FRUIT OF MONSTERS OF THE MIDWEST!

And by that I mean sweet corn. It’s cheap as FUCK in late summer. Do you have $2? GET READY FOR SO MUCH CORN YOU’L HAVE TROUBLE CARRYING IT ALL!. (Especially if you can get it off the back of some guy’s truck)

This recipe goes out to all the educate’n and just-trying-to-get-by motherfuckers. We’re making sweet corn in a coffee maker.

If you’ve got a pot and a stove handy, just shuck ‘em, de-hair ‘em, and chuck them in some boiling water for about 15 minutes. Ta da! Corn.

But if you’re stuck somewhere with only a coffee maker and your fragile dreams for the future, or you’ve never made corn on the cob before, get ready to SUPPLEMENT YOUR DREAMS WITH THIS SHIT!

Step 1) BUY CORN. If you live in the USA it should be cheaper than a straight guy’s opinion this time of year.

STEP 2) STRIP IT TO ITS UNDERGARMENTS. Ask consent first.

STEP 3) PART AND YANK OUT ITS HAIR LIKE ITS A RIVAL CHIMP IN YOUR 3-YEAR EXPERIENCE WITH WARFARE

STEP 4) BRUTALLY BREAK ITS SPINE RIGHT IN HALF. THE BATMAN IS NO MORE!

STEP 5) RINSE OUT YOUR COFFEE MAKER, FILL IT WITH CORN AND WATER

STEP 6) TAKE OUT THE CORN TO NOTE WHERE THE WATER LINE IS. Empty the coffee pot, rinse, and fill with fresh water back to that line. YELL ABOUT SCIENCE AS YOU USE THE POWER OF DISPLACEMENT

(I actually added more water than this. My water line was closer to 7.5 cups)

STEP 7) UNTAINTED WATER GOES IN COFFEE MAKER. CORN GOES IN POT!

STEP 8) INTRODUCE LIGHTNING

STEP 9) wait like 40 minutes. Maybe watch an episode of the Witcher? It’s corn cooking time.

STEP 10) CORN IS READY! EAT IT!

—

Dress up your corn with:

- butter

- bbq wing sauce

- Mayo and Parmesan cheese

- NOTHING, EAT IT WITH THE STEAM IT WEEPS AS IT SCORCHES YOUR GUMLINE IN SELF DEFENSE!

I’m a snacker person. I like having a healthy morning or afternoon tea snack other than fruits, but I don’t deprive myself. I also made my all time favourite chocolate chip cookies just after making these bars. I’ve been enjoying these super easy, no fuss and healthy oats and honey granola bars that I made a few days ago. 

They’re so easy to make and I have most of the ingredients on hand! The only changes I made was I used rice puffs instead of rice cereal. I also exclude the vanilla and brown sugar. They came out great, delicious and chewy! This is a perfect nut-free and seedless recipe!

Oats and Honey Granola BarsfromFive heart home

Ingredients

3 ¼ cups old-fashioned rolled oats 

¾ cups crispy rice cereal (I used rice puffs)

2/3 cups whole wheat pastry flour 

¾ teaspoon baking soda 

¾ teaspoon salt 

2/3 cup honey 

1/3 cup melted coconut oil

Directions

Preheat oven to 350°F. Line a 9- by 13-inch baking pan with parchment paper. 

In a large bowl, stir together oats, rice puffs, flour, baking soda, and salt. Measure honey, melted coconut oil, then drizzle over oat mixture and stir until all ingredients are completely combined. 

Transfer oat mixture into prepared pan and press down very firmly into an even layer. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes or until light golden brown on top. Remove from oven and use the flat bottom of a small pan or dish to press down granola bars again. Cool in pan for 15 minutes, and then use parchment paper sling to carefully lift granola bars out onto a cutting board (you can leave them sitting on top of the parchment paper). Cool for 5 more minutes and then cut into 12.