#feel free to reblog if this speaks to you

I’m never gonna be a good trans person to close-minded people who only have one idea about what transness should be. I’m always gonna like feminine things and I’m always gonna want to dress up in skirts and dresses. I don’t want to go on hormones or get top surgery. I don’t feel like a boy or a man, and yet I’ve found a new level of euphoria using he/him pronouns. I will always look like a woman and I accept that people are going to perceive me as one when they first meet me and as long as they respect my identity once I correct them, I’m fine with that. I don’t need validation from transmedicalists and I don’t need anyone to tell me whether or not they think I’m doing trans right. I am at peace being myself. For years I would picture my ideal form and I would picture a skinny androgynous person. Someone who was nothing like me. There’s always been a disconnect between the two- what I was and how I felt. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to be what others wanted me to be. First, I tried to be what I thought a woman should be: feminine, subdued, thin. I didn’t eat for a year, trying to become what people wanted me to be. And at the lowest point in my life, I got more compliments than ever before. Eventually, I got tired. I realized that life was so much more than being thin. I was unhappy and I didn’t care how fat I became I just wanted this to be over. So I got help. Around six months later, I realized I was nonbinary. And so I spent another year trying to be what I thought that was. I dressed masculinely and avoided clothing that showed my curves. I cut my hair short. I wore binders, even when no one else could see me. I thought I was happy. But my dysphoria persisted no matter what I did. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. Now I wear princess dresses and elaborate makeup. I never leave the house without a pair of earrings. And I’m happier than ever. I used to try to justify my gender presentation. I compared it to drag and likened my femininity to putting on a performance. And in some ways, this is true. But femininity is so much more than that for me- it’s something I feel in my soul, inalienable from the rest of my being. My gender is complex and that’s okay. My gender is more than my presentation. My gender cannot be defined as female or male and cannot be put in a box of what androgyny should be. My gender is fluid and ever-changing and what makes me happy now will probably be different from what makes me happy in ten years. I have no plans on forcing myself into being one thing for the rest of my life. He/him pronouns make me happy right now, but in a year, I could identify more with she/her. But I’m done doing what I think I “should” do, or conforming to the expectations of whatever gender I identify with at the time. I am a biological female. I am nonbinary- not a man or a woman. I like color and bright things that make me happy. I like pink and I like to feel pretty. And when I look in the mirror, I’m the happiest I have ever been. Feminine, fat, nonbinary, and unapologetically me. My gender contains multitudes and so do I. And that’s something to celebrate.