#tw disordered eating

First full outfit/look I’ve worn in months

Currently look like this and I’ve been very very ashamed to go outside, Everyone is telling me I have a small bump but compared to how I was before (basically concave) I can’t find the confidence to get dressed most days

Breakfast: Cottage cheese and mixed greens frittata

This has been my favorite high protein breakfast lately. It keeps me full all day, I get lots of greens in with out eating a huge salad and it could also be portioned through out the day :)

3 eggs

½ cup 4% cottage cheese

126g mixed greens

¾ tbsp butter

Salt/pepper to taste

Pinch of nutmeg and garlic powder

Preheat oven or toaster to 400. Whip eggs thoroughly, add cottage cheese and seasonings and mix. In a skillet, cook salad greens until wilted, remove and set aside. Add butter to heat-proof skillet coat thoroughly using pastry brush. Pour egg mixture into hot skillet, place greens on top, and place in hit oven or toaster oven! Ready when no longer jiggy!

435 calories

Lunch:

2 cups baby carrots grazed on over the afternoon 140cal

Snack:

I don’t have a sweet tooth but my biggest weakness is chips and dip :/ I try to have some through out the week so i don’t binge on a huge bag bc they r my one true comfort food.

10 tortilla chips and ¼ cup refried beans

210 cal

Dinner: Avocado and meat ball salad

100g lean meatball mixture

125g chopped romaine lettuce

¼ avocado

¼ cup 4% cottage cheese

½ lime, juiced

2 tbsp red onion

Salt/pepper to taste

I make four small meat balls and pop them in the air fryer on 350 for 10 min to cook to render out some fat. Then, dice the onion finely, mash the avocado and mix with cottage cheese, salt, pepper, and lime. Kinda weird, I know, but it makes a creamy dressing and adds extra protein w/o making it super unhealthy. Toss dressing romaine and top with meat balls! Enjoy :)

410 calories

Total: 1195 calories

Food diary 10/18

1 piece of brioche

Half of a buttered bagel

1 chocolate cupcake

1 slice veggie pizza

1 slice pepperoni pizza

Yday was a big family event so I ate a non sus amount to make sure no one made comments. I got a lot of compliments on my outfit which I think is just code for I lost some weight bc they’ve seen this outfit before lmfao. They didn’t notice bc i don’t see them often but, I gained some weight back bc I honestly forgot I was restricting for a few weeks bc I became hyper-fixated on sewing and making clothes (Thanks ADHD) and my ED took the back seat for a bit lmfao.

Wearing a mask all day feels like a constant reminder not to eat. I going to try to work out more this week. Everything feels so pointless lately and the election really has me so fucked up. It’s so nice enjoying pizza sometimes and forgetting that we’re spiraling toward a fascist techno-autocracy

I’v had some joint pain for a year or so now in my knees, there’s usually only pain on my period though, and now my wrists, ankles, and elbows hurt too. I have calorie restricted for many years because of bad body image and relationship with food so i’m worried I have osteoporosis. I’m autistic so I have texture sensitivity issues with vegetables and fruits, I try and have as balanced a diet as I can but I also take multivitamins.

My logic was most of the food I eat is high calorie and processed so I should just eat less so I don’t be even more unhealthy and not put on weight. Because my mum has been dieting for years and it’s ingrained in my brain to lose weight even though I know diets don’t work and i’m being fatphobic to myself??  So my eyesight got blurry, I got constipated, my periods stopped, I got weaker, fatigued, my hands and feet were cold, I couldn’t sleep without aid, and my joints began to hurt.. And then I googled calorie restriction and found out all my symptoms were caused by my disordered eating.

So I’ve been eating more, enough to get my hands to be warm and my symptoms have got better. My eyesight has actually got less blurry. But now the joint pain is getting worse. My periods are trying to come back and I think this is a period of low eostrogen so the pain is worse  but that means it’s just masking the pain that’s always there, right? I sent an e-consult asking for advice and the doctor thought I was asking for a sick note? ?

Has anyone had experience with this before? I’m so scared to talk to me doctor about it because my experience with untreated chronic pain has left me with no faith in them. I’m so scared and in pain

visiting your parents is like. oh this is why I used to not eat anything all day and then walk 5 miles

I’m never gonna be a good trans person to close-minded people who only have one idea about what transness should be. I’m always gonna like feminine things and I’m always gonna want to dress up in skirts and dresses. I don’t want to go on hormones or get top surgery. I don’t feel like a boy or a man, and yet I’ve found a new level of euphoria using he/him pronouns. I will always look like a woman and I accept that people are going to perceive me as one when they first meet me and as long as they respect my identity once I correct them, I’m fine with that. I don’t need validation from transmedicalists and I don’t need anyone to tell me whether or not they think I’m doing trans right. I am at peace being myself. For years I would picture my ideal form and I would picture a skinny androgynous person. Someone who was nothing like me. There’s always been a disconnect between the two- what I was and how I felt. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to be what others wanted me to be. First, I tried to be what I thought a woman should be: feminine, subdued, thin. I didn’t eat for a year, trying to become what people wanted me to be. And at the lowest point in my life, I got more compliments than ever before. Eventually, I got tired. I realized that life was so much more than being thin. I was unhappy and I didn’t care how fat I became I just wanted this to be over. So I got help. Around six months later, I realized I was nonbinary. And so I spent another year trying to be what I thought that was. I dressed masculinely and avoided clothing that showed my curves. I cut my hair short. I wore binders, even when no one else could see me. I thought I was happy. But my dysphoria persisted no matter what I did. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. Now I wear princess dresses and elaborate makeup. I never leave the house without a pair of earrings. And I’m happier than ever. I used to try to justify my gender presentation. I compared it to drag and likened my femininity to putting on a performance. And in some ways, this is true. But femininity is so much more than that for me- it’s something I feel in my soul, inalienable from the rest of my being. My gender is complex and that’s okay. My gender is more than my presentation. My gender cannot be defined as female or male and cannot be put in a box of what androgyny should be. My gender is fluid and ever-changing and what makes me happy now will probably be different from what makes me happy in ten years. I have no plans on forcing myself into being one thing for the rest of my life. He/him pronouns make me happy right now, but in a year, I could identify more with she/her. But I’m done doing what I think I “should” do, or conforming to the expectations of whatever gender I identify with at the time. I am a biological female. I am nonbinary- not a man or a woman. I like color and bright things that make me happy. I like pink and I like to feel pretty. And when I look in the mirror, I’m the happiest I have ever been. Feminine, fat, nonbinary, and unapologetically me. My gender contains multitudes and so do I. And that’s something to celebrate.

and-how-to-heal-from-it:

It’s normal for those of us on a recovery journey to feel “left behind”.

Sometimes it’s watching our friends, family, or peers get ahead while we feel stuck. Sometimes it’s seeing things that people your age are accomplishing and feeling like you’ll never measure up. Sometimes it’s the bitterness of knowing that days/months/years of your life were “stolen” by your mental illness or disorder.

It’s not fun. But rest assured, you’re not alone. You’ll find your way in your own time.

2 weeks of having a strong urge to bodycheck completely foiled by the fact that i’ve lost my measuring tape so profoundly i might need a new one

the urge to relapse just to not think of shit. my brain used to be just food & sadness. and while that was the worst timeline, i did think less about… idk. politics

gotta believe there’s a god out there because if i lost this fucking measuring tape i would have found it by now. someone took it away from me for my own good

finding out for the second time in my life that not eating will literally destroy your connection with reality in 0.002 seconds. i miss not being nauseous, i hate it here, why did i ever do this voluntarily

you either die a villain or live to become the hero (i am reporting ED accounts on tumblr dot com)

trigger warning for this blog!

on here i will be sharing my experience with my mental disorders. eating disorders ,, eupd ,, clinical depression ,, generalised anxiety and more. please click away if that is triggering for you.

this blog is not to promote eating disorders in any way, shape or form. i am all for pro recovery and would advise for you to stay off of my blog if you are considering // in recovery. please stay safe lovelies ,, and if you’re new around here leave whilst you can. eating disorders are NOTHING to be glamorised or wanted.

if you are offended or triggered by my blog, please just block me instead of reporting as it is my only safe vent space online. if i ever post a picture of yours that you are uncomfortable with me keeping up just give me a heads up and i’ll remove it instantly.

— kat.