#femaleteachercrush

I know every inch of your apartment. I know the chaos in your office and I sorted your books into the shelves. I found the present I gave you at your wedding between some other things that mean something to you and placed it in one corner of your desk. I know how it sounds when you’re making coffee in the kitchen and I know the way you look when you bring it to the livingroom, focused not to spill anything.

I know the sleepy look on your face at the breakfast table with your hair still wet from the shower. And I know how your voice cracks when you try not to cry, but you can’t help to. I know how much you love to dance, how much you love music and that we share a passion for red wine and deep talks. I know the look on your face when you’re excited or when you really like someone and I also know how hard it was for you to fight for yourself and your right to be happy.

I love that I know almost everything about you, that I have ten years of memories filled with your colours. It’s just that I can’t help myself to imagine the two of us sitting at the wooden table in your living room with two cups of hot chocolate in our pyjamas. I can’t help that I always want more. The closer I get to you the more afraid I am to lose you. And that scares me. A lot.

I remember the last time I was happy. And I remember the time before and the time before that.

I was happy when you drove me home in your car. I was happy when you smiled at me across the room, cause something reminded you of a late night conversation we had. I was happy when we danced or when we took drunk pictures of ourselves. I was happy when you asked me to stay for one more glass of wine. I was happy sitting on the floor of your new apartment with you while we built your new bed. I was happy when you told me your secrets.

My happiness is connected to you. Your smile lights up my world and I miss you. I miss me being happy, you know?

What if I’m never able to let you go? I tried. I tried and I tried and I tried. For 7 years now I convinced myself that I would find love again. What if I can’t?

Me: hey! I’m almost too afraid to ask, cause you’re busy all the time, but do you have some free time in the next month so we can meet for coffee? I need a new and fresh perspective on something and as I can remember you’re good at that

Starlight: yeah, of course. For you I’m always gonna find time! how urgent do you need me?

Me: It’s not that urgent. I need to find a day where I can stay away from home myself

Starlight: We’ll figure something out.

Me:thanks

Starlight: you’re welcome just text me you’re free days and when I’m back you can come over!

So this happened yesterday. Can you imagine that she actually said that she’ll always find time for me? She’s such an angel. I really need one of her hugs right now and I can’t wait to see her.

How I ended up smashed with Starlight and some other teachers discussing our underwear pt.2:

“When I really wanna feel pretty and sexy, I’m putting on a nice bra. It’s like magic. You guys should try it. Don’t you think?”, she said and winked at me.

“Yeah totally”, I agreed and took another sip from my glass. I felt how he alcohol was already making me dizzy and the last thing I needed was the image of Starlight half naked.

“I’ve always wanted to know if men feel like this, too.”, she continued.

“Pants make a difference? I mean, I get it, there are nice bras and bras my granny would wear, but pants are just pants, aren’t they?”, her colleague asked mockingly.

“They’re not just pants! Wearing the right one makes a guy hotter, too! Am I right?”, she looked at me as if she wanted confirmation.

“Don’t ask me.”, I said and shrugged. Suddenly she blushed heavily and giggled.

“Oh, I’m sorry”

“Don’t be. It’s true what you said though. As a woman you feel more self-confident wearing nice stuff and let me tell you, women with nice lingerie are ten times hotter.”

Her colleagues nodded in agreement.

“Sorry, Starlight, but I guess you’re the only one who likes men in this circle.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.”

R, her oldest colleague grinned complacently. “I might be the kind of guy that noticed that a guy’s underwear makes a difference.”

“No way!”, she bursted out laughing.

“There’s a reason I studied contemporary dance and music.” We all joint Starlights laughter.

“So you’re bi?” another colleague asked. “I never understood how anyone could find men attractive.”

“Me neither”, I said, “women are just…wow. Being in love with a woman in like a religious experience. You should try it one time.” I poked Starlight and earned a few laughs from her colleagues.

“Well, I don’t know. There is this woman. The teacher from this other school we’re sometimes working with. She’s really attractive! I get a bit of a wow feeling when she’s around.”

She shrugged. “But I still prefer men. I can’t help it.”

“You got a terrible taste, Starlight.”, I said and took another sip.

“Do I? So you’re saying yours is better?”

“Of course! I’m a professional.”

Starlight raised her eyebrows and smiled.

“So you have to tell me who you think is attractive.”

“Maybe some other time.”, I smiled back. As the conversation continued I wondered what she would say if she knew that she’s the most beautiful woman I ever laid my eyes on. But I kept my thoughts to myself. Maybe some other time.

Building a home pt.1

Another big thing that happened was our last orchestra project. She didn’t want to come in the first place, but her best friend and me sent her a voicemail and convinced her to come. And she came.

So we spent some days together talking, dancing, drinking, laughing and crying. She actually forgot that she was my teacher once and I had to remind her. Then we were mistaken for sisters and she told a very convincing story about me being her half-sister. One evening we watched a DVD all together from a previous project. She started crying and when the lights went on I realised that there were only a few people in the room who knew why and I was one of them. I hugged her to make her feel better and she buried her face in my shoulder. But we also laughed a lot and danced to crappy music while drinking cheap wine.

This place with those crazy and incredibly talented people is our home, our family. And I’m glad she made her way back.

November TC Challenge

6) what was your first impression of them?

Funny story. I thought: “wow she’s beautiful, but sadly she’s not my type.” cause I was a stupid teenager and only had crushes on women with blue eyes and blonde hair before. I was 13 and didn’t think I could fall in love with her. Oh boy, I was so wrong.

November TC Challenge

5) what’s your favourite memory with them?

Since I’m lucky enough to have 10 years of memories to chose from it’s very hard to pick one.

The day I helped her move into her new flat I was the last one to stay with her. Everyone had gone home and she offered me a glass of wine and because she had no appropriate glasses we drank it out of a coffee cup. We sat down on a mattress (that was her bed at that time ) and talked about everything. I felt so close to her in that moment and she told me about her childhood, her dreams, her hopes and fears.

A few month later she drove me home. The time in the car was already amazing, but when we got close to the city we live in we decided that none of us wanted to go home yet so we ended up going to a restaurant together.

And a memory that is many many years old. When I was still her student she helped me out many times. And after one of our meetings she hugged me so tight that I could feel her heartbeat. We stood there for minutes and when I hugged her a bit tighter she hugged back.

I could list so many more moments she makes me so incredibly happy and I know that I am the luckiest person on earth to be her friend.