#female tc

i tried flirting with a girl to take my mind off of JC. not to hurt the girl, just because she seemed interested and i could see us in a relationship. but after a week, someone told her that i liked her (which is so high school like what the hell?) and she called me to tell me she didn’t feel the same. is it just not the right time for me to date someone? like what is the universe trying to tell me? i just want some sort of love or physical affection.

normalize me getting fucked!!!

i just wish jc would like find this blog, realize i was talking about her, and then either fuck the living shit out of me the next day, or take me out to dinner

not a single piece of poetry
can ever express the ache within my heart-

tongue tied

you are my escape
my saviour from this nonsense world
i see your face
i forget about the pain
i hear your laugh
i forget about my fear
i feel your touch
i forget about my unaccepting mother

i grasp for every opportunity
to talk to you
i’m sorry if it makes me seem weak
however you’re this drug everyone
tells me to stay away from
but tell me how can i stay away from those
glorious eyes and
precious smile

this is why i can’t have you
this is why i must be without you
you may be breathtaking
but the consequences are devastating-

forbidden fruit

i notice the way you look at me
when i’m crying or vulnerable
you rub the side of my arm but
you want to hug me
don’t you?
you hate seeing me like this,
don’t you?

i don’t know who you are

your name is engraved on my heart,
and the ghost of your touch lingers on my arm
yet i don’t know who you are

my sol, i have only seen you rising
what are you like setting?
i have only seen you out in the open
what do you look like, coyly hiding behind the moon?

grace me with your beauty
paint my waters with your red

-i want to see you, raw, unrefined, like mother nature intended

i saw you today
in the first time in months
your hair has changed; when doesn’t it?
it’s your natural hair: mousy brown curls
your eyes are the same though
a beautiful green like the summer fields
with daisies, daffodils i could call my own
you laugh at someone’s remark

and i feel at home-

why are you so beautiful

we’ve been parted for so long

far, far, faraway,

your eyes, your lips, your touch are

far, far, faraway,

days leading up to our meeting feel so

far, far faraway,

the reality of being able to kiss; your tender lips is

far, far, faraway,

my dearest, sol,

you’ve taught me for two years. a third year in september now. i believed i was in love with you - but what even is love to me when i cannot find the words to define it. but, it was never true. my schoolgirl crush on you was deluded with fantasies i had of you, but never of you. my insecurities, my broken home, my dreams manifested into this attachment i had on you.

you were constantly on my mind, and i dreamt and dreamt for you to notice me. and you did, god it felt so good; i felt so special,  but not in the way i wanted. you gave me attention, you gave me care, you gave me the support i never found in my mother. you were there to fill the empty, aching shell of my absent mother figure.

believing i was in love with you has been fun, even when i started to see it wasn’t true. you were my muse, my phaon to my sappho. poetry spouted out of me like a waterfall, and those who loved unrequitedly came drinking with parched throats. i’ve met many beautiful people, baring stories similar to mine, because of my endearment of you. and, i thank you for that.

however, it’s time to move on now before this unrequited feeling drives me to insanity. phaon did not love sappho, yet sappho loved her. my sol, you never loved me, yet i loved you. i shall not be driven to such a tragedy, by your unreciprocated love. i shall see in again september, but with new eyes. goodbye.

— my last love letter to you

last day of school

i see you standing at the end of the hall
this is it, this is the last time i will see you in months
i want to feel your embrace once more,
i ache of longing, and wanting
i am sick of wishing, and waiting

i approach you, asking if i can hug you before i leave
my heart heaves in my chest; i feel sick, yet
i know i would regret it otherwise

a moment passes
you don’t quite hear me
i ask again
my voice is small, and i feel even smaller
another moment passes
i ask louder, on the edge of breaking down

and you say yes,
is this a dream?
you take me into your arms
god, you know i miss the feeling
you rub my back
i feel at home

we let go, and i smile
you tell me to stay in touch over the holidays
we say our final goodbyes

i shall say hello again in september

you complimented my makeup today;
i doubt you’ll ever know what that means to me
to have someone you have poured your soul,
your heart, the entirety of your being too,
mirror your adoration, even if it is a fraction of it

you were never mine in the first place
but the serpent of your name
carved in someone else’s heart
has the same poison in its fangs
as the serpent that would be
if you belonged to me

its bite intoxicated me with jealousy,
infecting my bloodstream, and every inch of my being
but i have no right to be this way,
for i am not yours, and you are not mine

yet, why do i present the same symptoms
as someone who watched their lover fall for someone else
doctor, oh doctor, can you cure me of this ailment
may i mistake these feelings for something
they are not

the tattoos adorned on your skin tell a story
let me trace every page; let me consume each word
i’m know you are aware of my desire for reading

there are moons inked on your back
i caught a glimpse of them, amidst last week’s heat
my cheeks reddened as if i imposed on something intimate
yet my eyes were bewitched and my gaze remained glued

i am intrigued, needless to say,
may i learn more of this tale?
or is this an instance of passing by a bookshop window
and never finding that windowsill display again

i barely even know you
you are not the woman you present yourself as
but, i know more about you than others like me do
so tell me please,

will there ever come a day i will learn of your moons?
-this is not something the textbooks can answer

i knew you were never attainable,
so i love you from afar
the idea of you so beautiful,
i refuse to seek the true reality

wonder is a synonym for beauty
we fall for things we do not understand
for the excitement of not knowing intoxicates our souls
the thrill of risking everything for the unknown is romantic

strip something of its essence, and replace it with fact and figure,
the appeal is no longer existent; the thrill cease to be
el sol glows as a gentle jewel hanging from my window
up close, she wields enchanting flames of destruction

what would it be like to be alone with you again?
it’s been so long, i have almost forgotten
the way my heart would pound against my chest,
the way your eyes would dive into my soul

you are an explorer, plummeting into the ocean of my heart
i usher you forward, daring you even
it’s dark, and dangerous; too deep and you may drown
but beneath it all is the gold
glistening dully, on its last thread of hope

the memories are fading into nothingness
but maybe it’s meant to be,
like letting go of blissful childhood, when
adulthood is ushering you forward
yet, i miss the way i felt when i was alone with you
don’t let this be something ordinary in pink tint

i ache, and i ache, but that will do nothing at all
please call for my name, i just want to feel special once more

but you are a painting and i am a bystander
you are as beautiful as sappho, and i say this with candour
i stop and i stare, but i’m not the only one
your world does not revolve around me for i am not the sun

i search for you in everything i can
i scan the poetry books we both love,
scavenging for a glimpse of your words,
in someone else’s
i listen to the band we talked
about, with passion
and listen to how your heart crumbled
i look for la luna every night
to see your reflection

-sol, it is pains me too much to face you directly

I got drunk with some friends last night. A few of them are ex-students of Starlight as well so we took a selfie together and sent it to her. That kind of became a tradition, whenever we are together at a party or somewhere having fun, I sent a pic of us to Starlight.

If you had told me a few years ago that I would be able to text her drunk in the middle of the night I would’ve said that you’re crazy. But here we are. And I’m so so greatful for that

//birthday invitation//

Starlight invited me to her birthday party. Like?! She sat down, thinking about whom she wants to spent her birthday with and I am one of the people she wants to have around! So I thought: she probably invited half of our orchestra. No need to think your //that// special to her.

Turns out I was the only one from our orchestra that she invited! I can’t tell you how much this means to me guys ❤

//Wanna eat with us? We’ve got sausages!//

My date dumped me. I was already on my way when I got her message that she was incredibly sad, but she couldn’t make it so I just left the tram at the next stop not knowing what to do. My best friend was at her mothers birthday and I didn’t want to spent the evening alone.

I scrolled through my WhatsApp chats when I had a crazy idea

“Hey Starlight!”, I typed, “are you home and would you mind me coming over?”

My stomach almost flipped when she replied: “of course! You’re always welcome! You wanna eat with us? We’ve got sausages!”

“Sure! Thanks! I’ll be there in about half an hour.”

So I took the next train to her house. Her kids were home, playing with each other.

“You want some tea?” She said ad soon as I got in and when I said yes she said: “it’s in the kitchen. You know where everything is, right?” I nodded and got myself some tea before I entered her living room. I sat down at the table, but Starlight made a gesture to say that I should come and join her at the couch.

It was kinda surreal sitting close to her on that couch telling her about the girl who didn’t show up to the date, but it was also utterly great that she was so interested in everything I told her. We updated each other about everything that had happened in the past month. We had dinner together and I stayed while she brought her children to bed so we could continue talking. When I left she said: “it was a great evening! I really enjoy you beeing here so feel free to come over any time you like! And keep me updated on that girl!”

Like, can you even imagine?! She enjoys spending time with her. She tells me things only her closest friends know about! How on earth is it possible that I got so lucky?!

//it never gets boring with you, does it?//

It was nearly christmas and the city was crowded with people doing their last minute christmas shopping. We went to a nice and comfortable place next to the city centre and ordered some wine. I didn’t know what to expect of that evening I just wanted to see her, cause the last few weeks had been hell. I wasn’t sleeping and I wasn’t eating much. I just felt terrible about everything and I really needed someone I could talk to. When I texted her she immediately replied that she’d love to see me.

We talked for hours. Not just about me and my problems, but about life and love itself. About how we had grown in the last few years. About what we love, what we fear and what gives us hope, both knowing that we can trust each other to keep everything we say safe.

My life sometimes feels like a bad written telenovela. There’s so much crazy stuff going on an with most people I am afraid of telling them everything. But she knows me. Better than most people. I tell her anything and everything and always hope that I don’t annoy her, that she would get tired of the crazy stuff going on in my life.

When we left to catch her last train home she looked at me with a warm smile on her face and said: “it never gets boring with you, does it?” And then she hugged me to say goodbye. And honestly that was one of the best compliments anyone has ever said to me.

Alright. It’s been month since I updated you guys on Starlight but hell….a lot has happened so I’m keeping up in the next fe posts ❤

tc-tales:

in-love-with-starlight:

Starlight picked a piece for the concert next week that is so utterly perfect that my heart aches and is filled with joy at the same time when I listen to it. Every single note containeds her smile and her name is written all over it. Some music sums up all the pain and all the happiness one can feel.

Sorry for being so corny, but no matter what I do, she will always be the one for me. I love her beyond words and everything about her is so beautiful that it hurts. I’m feeling this way since 9 years and I doubt that it will ever fade.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! honey same!!! my tc like deadass picked a similar piece and it just……. makes me think of what being held in her arms would feel like

There is a certain type of music that is just as powerful as her. Like you can feel her excitement for the piece when you listen to it and I can literally see her conducting that exact piece in my mind and see her smile at some moments . And in concerts I know exactly the moments she will look at me and make eye contact, CAUSE SHE KNOWS WHICH PARTS WE BOTH LOVE. And I love those moments on stage where we are in front of everyone and there are so many eyes looking at us and everything just disappears the moment we look at each other.

Starlight picked a piece for the concert next week that is so utterly perfect that my heart aches and is filled with joy at the same time when I listen to it. Every single note containeds her smile and her name is written all over it. Some music sums up all the pain and all the happiness one can feel.

Sorry for being so corny, but no matter what I do, she will always be the one for me. I love her beyond words and everything about her is so beautiful that it hurts. I’m feeling this way since 9 years and I doubt that it will ever fade.

Your smile is the best thing in my life. When I’m with you everything suddenly makes sense. You are everything I want and everything I need. I will never get tired of looking into your beautiful eyes.

lefttigerobservation:

i found what perfumem wears and let’s just say — happy bean. also she has this sea green shirt i love on her, and two mustard tops i adore. 

Just keep that perfume! I asked Starlight once which one she uses and bought it. We both still use it and honestly there’s nothing better than wearing a sweater that smells entirely like her it’s like she’s always with me.

December TC imaginechallenge

describe the perfect december day with your tc

I would pick her up at her house for a walk, cause she loves snow. She’s wearing her grey hat in which she looks absolutely adorable in. We would walk through the park and update each other about our lives. To remind her of the snow fight she once started I would pick up some snow that I throw at her. She would follow the invitation and start a fight.

Back at her house our cheeks are red, our hands frozen and my sweater is completely wet, because she managed to stiff some snow into it.

She would offer me a dry sweater and some warm socks before she smilingly pulls out two cups from the shelf in her kitchen “I suppose you need something to warm you up?” She’d say as she prepares everything to make mulled wine.

We would sit in the living room with our hot cups and at one point she would stand up to fetch a blanket. I would be polite and sit next to her on top of the blanket, but she would offers me to slip under the blanket as well, because she wants to protect me from freezing.

We would be laughing a lot, but also sharing our hopes, dreams and biggest fears, as we watch the sky getting darker and darker. At the end she would hug me tight and say “we should do this more often”

Once we were at a bar (we often go there after concerts) and I saw that her hair was a bit messy. I didn’t mean to interrupt her conversation, but I wanted to tell her just in case she wanted to redo her hair in the bathroom. I gently touched her shoulder to get her attention and whispered to her “you might wanna check your hair. It got lose.” I thought she would just fix it later, but she turned towards me and said: “don’t you wanna fix it then?” As if this was the most natural thing in the world to do. “Of course” I replied. So I gently tried to pull out her hair clips to save her hairdo. My hard was beating so fast in that moment. She wanted to check what I did with her hands and accidentally touched mine.

Whenever I think of that moment I’m smiling. Not just that she asked me, but that it was the very first thing that came to her mind.

“Not everyone is supposed to grow old together.”

I don’t care that we’ve never been a couple and never will be a couple. I don’t care that you don’t love me back the way I love you. But I wanna stay friends with you for the rest of my life. I wanna get used to the wrinkles around your eyes. I wanna compliment you on how cute you look when you need your first glasses and laugh about the good old days. I wanna sit with you joking about how we suddenly got so old.

I’m not supposed to be your partner, but I wanna grow old with you. Even if it’s just from afar.

I used to flirt with my teachers a lot. I’m a very outgoing person and absolutely not shy. So years after I graduated I talked to one of my old teachers about one of my first teacher crushes (not Starlight) and I couldn’t hold myself:

B: J (my TC) told me about you once.

Me: so what did she say?

B: that she always had the feeling that you were in love with her.

Me: yeah I know. We talked about that a lot and she was right. I had a big crush on her.

B: she was very confused.

Me: why confused?

B: she said she always had the feeling that you would talk to her like a man would.

Me: like a man?

B: yes, like a man trying to ask her out for a date or something. A man who was flirting with her.

Me: well, I was a lesbian trying to flirt with her and ask her out on a date

B: well, I guess that kind of thought never crossed her mind.

HOW ON EARTH can you sit in front of a girl who is TELLING you that she is in love with you and think: well, that’s weird. This kinda feels like a man is asking me out. But she no man??!? I don’t get it. ‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️

She’s the cutest!

I asked her to meet and she wanted to go with me to the christmas market to have some mulled wine. I have to work in a city nearby that day and her house is between the city I work in and the city she works in.

Me: we could meet half way, if you like to, but I don’t wanna invite myself to your house

Starlight: You can always invite yourself to my house! That sounds great

I can’t wait till next Monday! She also asked me to play with her orchestra and was super excited when I said yes.