#flounder

Doug, Patti, Skeeter, Porkchop, and Dirtbike are rocking out to The Beets.

They’re enjoying a broadcast of a Beets concert. Doug narrates that they’ve always been his favorite group, when they are still a group. The concert is interrupted in the middle of a song by breaking news that The Beets have once again broken up. Doug, Patti, Skeeter, Porkchop and Dirtbike don’t stop dancing while discussing this news. Doug is a little disappointed. Patti says they’ll get back together. Judy intrudes on their fun, and asks Doug why he insists on destroying his brain with that commercial pap. She turns off the tv.

She wants to play her latest artistic composition that “proves there is more to music than rhythm and melody.” Her tape is a series of loud, disharmonic sounds that causes everyone else in the room to cover their ears and wail for it to be turned off, while Judy is doing some sort of interpretive dance.

She stops the tape only because their wailing is the perfect sound to add to it, and she must record it.

Lunch talk at school the next day is all about The Beets. There’s rumors that Flounder is starting a new band in Bluffington, looking for a new direction in music.

Doug says he hopes he doesn’t change too much. He likes the sound of The Beets. He gets up to put his tray away, but his sock snags on the table and he trips.

Roger promptly mocks Doug for wearing big, loose socks.

Today is Phil and Theda’s anniversary. Theda loves the present Doug got them.

It’s just a photo of Doug and Porkchop in an apparently handmade frame. Phil is also pleased, though the screenshot I took makes it look like he thinks it sucks.

Judy stands up to dedicate her new performance piece to her parents. The piece is called “Savage Cheese.” Before she begins, the doorbell rings. Theda jumps up to answer it, presumably eager to delay “Savage Cheese” as much as possible.

At the door is a Skin Deep Beauty representative.

She’s trying to sell makeup by the bucket, which is a good indication that it is crap. There are a number of things that are totally reasonable to sell this way. Certain fruits or nuts, perhaps. An overflowing bucket of makeup is an overflowing bucket of crap.

The woman is offering a make-over and Theda doesn’t much care for the idea. The woman gives her a card, in case she wants to try beauty, Skin Deep. It’s really a terrible business model to take an idiom that means conventional beauty is a poor indicator of personal character, name your company after that idiom, and then go around telling everyone they need to look beautiful. I can see that you are a person with no or poor character; won’t you buy a bucket of makeup so you can at least look pretty? Furthermore, you know what women need? Strangers ringing their doorbell to tell them they should try to be beautiful, for a change. Aren’t you tired of how you look? I’ve got a bucket of makeup here and surely something in this bucket can do something to make your face look better. I mean, I hope. You’re not giving me a lot to work with here, Theda!

Anyway…

Theda returns to her family, already thinking about getting that make-over. Phil asks who was at the door and she explains. Phil thinks the idea is kind of ridiculous. Doug likes that she always looks the same. Judy is happy her mother isn’t a slave to fashion. With each of their responses, they have made the idea of a make-over that much more intriguing.

Finally, Theda opens the gift Phil got her for their anniversary. She is excited until she sees what it is. Then she’s confused. Phil explains that it’s a waffle iron that makes waffles in the shape of Marlaine LeFlame.

Phil is too enthusiastic about this dumb shit gift to see that Theda is annoyed.

Meanwhile, Flounder is rehearsing with his new band.

Yeah, those guys. Flounder stops rehearsal because he needs a new sound. Right now they sound too much like The Beets. While he’s thinking, an explosion of incomprehensible sounds excites him. The engineer in the booth apologizes and explains that the sounds are just some “nutty tape I recorded for a girl as a favor to my cousin Cassius.” Flounder likes the shit.

At the Funnie house, Theda is doing nothing in the kitchen. She’s just standing there, hearing echoes of her family’s comments about her looks. She uses the waffle iron as a mirror before pulling the Skin Deep card out of her pocket.

Porkchop starts freaking out about something happening outside. Doug jumps up to see what’s going on.

Seeing Flounder walking up to his front door immediately triggers a fantasy.

Flounder knows Doug is really busy with middle school, but he needs a new sound.

Doug is the only one who can help him.

Granted Flounder’s fashion isn’t far off from Doug’s to begin with (it’s really pretty close to Philip J. Fry’s…) but I like the detail in Doug’s fantasy. When you ask Doug for a new sound, you get a banjo, a sweater vest, and a baseball shirt.

How else could this interaction go?

After the fantasy, Doug answers the door and Flounder asks for Judy.

Doug confirms that she lives here but asks why he’d want to talk to her. Before Flounder can explain, Judy comes to the door.

Flounder says he wanted to meet the person who made that tape of shitty noises. She starts to be a condescending, pretentious asshole to him, but he interrupts her to tell her how much he liked the tape. She says she was just working on her latest piece that “expresses the indifference of society to artistic otherness of the other.” So she plays that for him. Doug is perplexed.

They sat on the front porch listening to Judy’s crap for hours. Doug is thoroughly annoyed by this, so Porkchop (who has been listening to his own music on a walkman) struts in and shuts Doug’s fucking window. Why didn’t Doug think of this extremely simple solution? Because he’s fucking stupid. His dog is smarter than he is.

Toward the end of the night, Flounder is just agreeing with every stupid pretentious thing Judy says. She’s skeptical of his commitment to being a pretentious asshole, but none of that matters once he finally asks her if she wants to get coffee sometime. She tries to hide her excitement and comes up with a pretty good cover for how getting coffee somehow plays into her above-it-all persona.

I don’t know how old Flounder is supposed to be, but I’m not sure it matters because Judy is still in high school and it is fucking creepy that they have started dating.

And he started dressing like her! It sort of weirdly implies that Doug’s fantasy involved Flounder dating him.

Doug says it wasn’t long before everyone started talking about Flounder and Judy. Beebe and Connie flag him down at lunch and insist he sit with them even though he hasn’t even grabbed his lunch yet.

Neither has Connie for that matter…

They want to know if the rumors are true. Doug is hesitant, but confirms that Judy and Flounder are dating. Beebe offers him some imported chocolates. Connie compliments his hair.

Now that he has a rock star in the family, they are interested. Connie is particularly interested in his newfound ability to get front row tickets to certain concerts. Doug doesn’t know about any concert, so Beebe says Flounder has a concert next Friday with his new band. Before Doug can think about being indignant about their disingenuous affection for him, Roger interrupts.

“Hey, Funnie! About those socks…”
“Cut it out, Roger.”
“They’re very cool.”

Scroll back up and look at how angry Boomer, Willie, and Ned are. They may be wearing loose socks, but they are fucking pissed at Doug. Anyway, this is a fucking ridiculous ploy. Roger is rich. When faced with two options, flaunting his wealth or sucking up to Doug, he chose to suck up to Doug in such a stupid way.

Walking through the halls at school, everyone says hello to him. Doug doesn’t understand his popularity, somehow. I mean, it’s not hard to imagine Doug doing the same kind of sucking up to someone else in a similar situation, is it?

After school, Doug asks Patti and Skeeter, “if I can get front row tickets to the concert, do you guys want to come?” Of course they do. If he can get tickets. Connie intrudes and wants Doug to promise he’ll get her a ticket too.

Then Beebe intrudes to make sure Doug wouldn’t get Connie a better ticket than he got her. Then Roger wants to make sure Doug wouldn’t leave him and his goons out. Then an entire crowd of people who don’t even have names because Doug hasn’t interacted with them enough that it needed mention in his journal want tickets.

Look at these parasites. They chase Doug home.

I can only hope this is an exaggeration by Doug when he wrote this down in his journal.

Doug has to slam the door on the crowd. Before Doug can catch his breath, Theda calls him from the kitchen. He enters the kitchen, ready to ask his mom about his problem, but he is confronted by a stranger.

He apologizes and says he’s looking for his mom, Theda Funnie. It’s weird. Doug doesn’t realize this is his mom, so he apologizes to, essentially, a total stranger for apparently intruding on her privacy in his home. He tries to clarify who he’s looking for like he mistook her for someone else at the mall. After he finally catches up, he says she looks like a movie star, then corrects himself to “two movie stars.” I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean, but Theda takes it as flattery.

Phil enters the kitchen and has much the same reaction as Doug. He catches on quicker though. He is dumbstruck, then decides to get his camera. Thrilled, Theda consults her new mirror that also can make waffles if you’re into that sort of thing.

Theda apparently does not like waffles.

At the recording studio, Judy has taken over the band rehearsals. First, she’s annoyed the drummer, whose name is apparently Eric (I honestly don’t know if his name was established before this), keeps using drum sticks. She insists that he needs to use ferns instead.

She says it’s an homage to the rainforest.

Next, she’s upset with Norman.

She doesn’t want him tuning his guitar anymore.

Eric asks Flounder why she’s always bossing them around. Flounder explains that she’s creating an artistic vision for the band. Norman says she’s creating a giant pain in his neck. She says all this descension is draining her creativity.

Doug intrudes on this shitty situation to ask Flounder for tickets. Their gratuitous male bonding interrupts Judy’s meditation. 

Judy says her friends will occupy the front row. Flounder says there’s enough seats for her family and friends, and he’ll still have some left over.

This excites Doug and he has a fantasy. 

“And now presenting, the longest front row in rock and roll history!”

Like it’s the main attraction.

After the fantasy, Flounder does the math and tells Doug he can have three tickets. Doug has a fantasy about this too and it somehow makes even less sense.

He has three seats, so naturally everyone still came with him and then they attempted to pile into those three seats.

Somewhere near the top, Beebe points out this is all Doug’s fault and then commands the pile of people to get him.

At home, Phil has set up all his photography equipment and retrieved all his cameras so he can document his wife’s transformation. At some point, I hope she resents him for this.

Judy is indignant for her, right now. Phil is insisting they go out to eat again. He can’t have his “new wife slaving over a hot stove.”

Fuck you, you stupid fucking asshole. This is such a terrible attitude to have about your partner.

Theda tries to tell her shithead husband that she likes to cook but he ignores her. She sits back down at the table, sad. Doug narrates, “it’s weird. I was popular and mom was glamorous. So why weren’t we smiling?”

The next day at school, Doug is growing tired of his popularity. People have stuffed his locker with balloons and gifts and he’s annoyed by this.

Everyone else figured out the combination to Doug’s locker except Roger. Roger presents his gift in person.

How much did that jacket cost, Roger? Was it more or less expensive than a front row ticket? How much more or less? Did they ask for your dignity and self respect when they were selling the tickets or did you think you’d just give that up anyway. It’s not like there was much of that to begin with, right?

Doug wants to explain to Roger that he’s only got three tickets, but Beebe interrupts to tell him she’s stocked her dad’s limo with Peanutty Buddies. What time should she pick him up?

Before Doug can explain to Beebe, Connie interrupts with a song she wrote for him.

It’s not a good song and no one in the hall likes it.

At home, Flounder asks Doug what’s upsetting him.

Doug explains and Flounder apologizes for the fact that he only has three tickets left. Doug understand this. He knows getting even 3 free tickets is more than he has any right to expect. He just wants to know how to decide who to invite.

Flounder actually has some good advice for this. He says, “when you’re famous, or even know somebody famous, everybody wants to be your friend. it gets hard to tell if people really like you for yourself.” Basically, Doug should invite people who like him whether he gets them tickets or not.

Everyone gathers at Doug’s house for their free front row tickets. Doug nervously admits that he kept trying to tell everyone he couldn’t get tickets.

He apologizes and no one gives a shit.

They immediately disperse. They might be searching for pitchforks and torches.

Doug is a jerk. Not because he didn’t get them tickets. He’s a jerk because he waited until the day of the concert to tell them he didn’t get the tickets. If he had told them up front, they would have had the opportunity to buy their own tickets. Presumably the show is sold out and now their only option is to buy tickets from scalpers. You could argue that he tried to tell them but he kept getting interrupted and talked over, but it would be less rude for him to interrupt back and shout, “FUCK YOU I CAN’T GET YOU TICKETS, YOU FREELOADING SCUM,” than to sheepishly agree to get everyone tickets, then leave them hanging on the day of the concert. Anyway, after the crowd disperses, two people remain.

Doug asks if they were mad. They understand. Skeeter is just happy Doug will get to tell him about the concert. Doug is not surprised and neither is Porkchop.

Walking into the concert, brazenly wearing the jacket Roger gave him, Doug is confronted by Beebe. She says she had to dip into her trust fund to buy the only remaining seats, and those seats are in the nosebleed section.

She also gives him a bill for the imported chocolate. Connie says she rewrote her song. Roger wants the jacket back.

Willie, Ned, and Boomer look as angry as ever.

Backstage, Judy is telling the band that everything about their costumes and props is wrong.

Eric is upset that he’s holding carrots, asking if they are an homage to bunnies, before he throws them down and quits the band.

Norman also quits. Judy is glad they finally quit. She’s glad only the true artists remain.

The arena is packed when Doug, Skeeter, and Patti finally take their seats.

Please note that Porkchop is already there. When Flounder was calculating how many tickets he could give Doug, he had already committed one ticket to a fucking dog. He had three tickets leftover because he did not count Doug among his group of people needing tickets, but Doug’s dog definitely needs a ticket.

Doug immediately notes his mom’s appearance. She’s back to classic Theda. She says, “well, my new look was fun for a while, but I decided I like being myself, beautiful or not. Besides, the kind of beauty you get from a make-over is only skin deep.” I don’t know what I could type here to indicate an annoyed groan, but maybe just imagine that was my response to Theda. Doug says she was always beautiful all the way through and Phil backs him up.

Finally the concert begins. For high pretentious art, naming the band “Flounder and the Plastic Judy Band” seems a bit uninspired. I couldn’t bother to take screenshots of all the shit Judy does during the first song. She’s banging on sheet metal, dropping anvils, honking horns, and banging on cans and bottles. The crowd exits en masse.

Flounder is somewhat perplexed. Judy says she expected it. The music was beyond their comprehension.

Flounder tells the remaining group of Funnies, Skeeter and Patti that they might as well leave too. Phil tells him they’re not going anywhere.

What an ideal situation! You have six occupied seats. They didn’t pay for those seats, so hopefully everyone that left during the first song doesn’t want a refund, or at least won’t get one. Now you get to play the full concert to six people and a dog, none of which can even pretend to like the music. They’re just there to support you and your massive failure. Porkchop is the only one that planned for total bullshit.

Flounder dedicates the next song to the Funnies, for always being there for him. Patti and Skeeter should maybe take offense since they stayed as well, but whatever. For this song, Judy is playing the sawing-a-log-in-half. It’s not an easy instrument.

And it sounds like this…

After this disaster, are you surprised The Beets are back together? Before they start playing on the tv, Flounder thanks Judy for making him see music in a whole new way.

Judy is disappointed that Flounder has returned to The Beets when he was so close to being a real artist. Doug says, “I thought you liked Flounder.”

She replies, “as an artist, no. As a friend, I suppose he’s…tres cool.”

So, Doug, Patti, Skeeter and Porkchop return their dancing.

If I had to argue that Doug Funnie was not crazy, I’d use this episode. He’s maybe a dumb-ish kid, but being a little dumb is kind of what kids do. He’s at least not the dumbest kid in his school by far.

Doug’s alarm wakes him up at 7 am.

A voice-over asks, “tired of waking up for school?” Doug is intrigued.

“Wish you could do something more exciting, like fighter pilot?”

The mysterious voice-over continues throwing Doug into different jobs.

As a doctor, he asks for a sponge, uses it to dry his forehead, and the patient is taken away untouched.

He just gets clobbered as a professional athlete.

Nothing really happens when he’s an archeologist.

He’s embarrassed by his tights, but Porkchop is into it.

I don’t know why this voice-over is making his mind try on all these professions.

Coming soon to my portfolio…

After this one, the voice-over says, “okay, stop.” Doug and Porkchop fall back into Doug’s bed.

“Now, do you wanna know where you can get training for all these careers absolutely free?”

“At school!”

“Don’t be foolish. Get schoolish! This message was brought to you by the people who like school.”

So, Doug finally starts his journal entry about school. His first sentence is, “school really can help you be what you wanna be.” Doug already understands this, so it’s almost a warning that we’re about to get an episode about someone else learning a lesson.

As an example, Doug says that Chalky wants to be a doctor and school is helping him prepare for that.

Doug says Chalky will be in school until he’s 30. He then takes an unnecessary shot at Skunky, saying he’ll be in school until he’s 30 also. Skunky is playing with a flask and bunsen burner when Mr. Bone confiscates both. The implication of course is that Skunky is stupid and will never graduate. What did Skunky ever do to you, Doug?

The basic set-up for this episode doesn’t really make a lot of sense. Doug basically says that Connie seemed like she was going to drop out of school. Why? Well, it started when Mr. Mayonnaise played a video in class.

At the end of the video, Mr. Mayonnaise says, “so much for local history in the making, how about a hand for our own Connie Benge!” The class cheers and Connie blushes.

What the shit is this about? Why did he show that video? What class does he teach? Is it history? He teaches history. What does her video have to do with history? The bell rings and as the students get up to leave, he reminds them of their impending test on Friday.

While digging through his locker, Doug tells Skeeter, “it’s kinda neat having someone even a little famous at our school.” Skeeter says the whole town will be famous once he finds the lake monster. Connie joins them and they act like geek fans.

Doug asks, “is that you? Aren’t you Connie Benge, famous tv star and singer?” Skeeter asks for her autograph. She tells them to cut it out and then they leave the school together. She’s saying she wasn’t even that good, but Doug reassures her that she was great. Outside, they are greeted by a crowd.

Something’s missing here right? Maybe I don’t have the full episode and what I have is missing a very critical scene that makes sense of this. There’s no explanation for where the video of Connie came from. Is it from another episode that I’ve either forgotten or haven’t seen? Doug just says Mr. Mayonnaise played it in class. Immediately after that, she was mildly famous. This is only further confused by the rest of the episode, as you’ll see.

At Lucky Duck Lake, Skeeter is creeping around with a small net. At some bushes, he gets a bit of a smirk on his face as he brings the net down onto something. He declares, “I caught the Lucky Duck Monster!”

I think the lake is supposed to be foggy, as a sort of explanation as to how Skeeter could have made such a stupid mistake, but I’m not convinced. Skeeter needs to get his damn eyes checked. Skeeter is disappointed by his catch, then asks what they are doing. They say they are shooting wildlife, then tell him to watch. Skeeter is somewhat horrified by the idea, because he thinks they are hunting. They use a device to scare up some ducks, and then use the most awesome, ridiculous camera to shoot pictures.

Skeeter is intrigued by the device they used to call the birds. He thinks it could be adapted to call the monster. They are skeptical.

They laugh at Skeeter and jokingly suggest the monster is an alien placed there for safe-keeping. Skeeter doesn’t think that’s such a far-fetched idea and for some reason that makes them think it’s not so crazy. They agree to help him.

On television, K-Bluff’s Spaceman is promoting a song contest.

This weekend, Flounder from The Beets will be judging the contest. The winning song will be played on K-Bluff and the winning songwriter or group will get a night on the town with Flounder.

Apparently already famous for being on TV, Connie is looking forward to the contest to win an appearance on the radio. I’m still pretty sure I’m missing something that makes this make even a little sense.

At lunch the next day, Doug says Connie is turning everything she sees into a song.

Doug and Skeeter are eating their crappy cafeteria food and she sings about how she saw it move so it couldn’t be FDA approved. Chalky calls the song great, and Doug and Skeeter agree with him but push their food away, no longer hungry.

Later, this guy asks her to sing a song about him. She’s holding a harmonica and wails, “I got the retainer blues!”

So, she sings a crappy blues song about his crooked teeth. He feels bad. She didn’t need to do that. She could have made the song about his stupid tie (editor’s note: I would actually like a tie like that and if you can provide one for me that would be just swell and you should send me a message and hook me up because I need something to wear to job interviews) but no she had to sing about something he can’t change so easily but he’s clearly trying to change. After he sulks off, his friends tell Connie her song wasn’t nice. They say he’s very sensitive about his appliance. She says they obviously don’t know what the blues are. One of them points out that “the blues are a slow tempo’d music style containing flatted thirds and sevenths.”

After school, Beebe stops Connie outside to remind her that they had planned to study. There’s a beat-boxing beat coming from an unknown source and Connie uses that to do something truly horrible.

“Yo, my name is Beebe Bluff. I can never get enough. My daddy owns the town and buys me lots of stuff!”

Unimpressed, Beebe asks, “don’t you think you’re taking this contest thing a little too far?”

“Maybe I’m takin’ this too far, or you’re just jealous I’m a star.”

Beebe walks away without another word.

At Mr. Swirly, Beebe warns Doug, Patti, and Skeeter that they better leave before Connie starts singing about their big noses. Doug and Skeeter actually seem to be concerned about this. Patti says Connie already sang about her haircut. Beebe says Connie is so full of herself after being on TV. Doug says that’s harsh, but then Connie finally enters the restaurant and sings a song about how she’s so full of herself. Doug tells Beebe, “I guess you’ve got a point. Well, leave it to me. I can handle it.”

Connie wants to talk to Doug. Before Doug can get into however he planned to handle Connie (seriously, we missed out on what surely would have been a great blunder), Connie asks Doug about his band that had 17 drummers. She wants to team up so they can win the song contest. Doug immediately agrees, impressing Beebe with his great situation handling abilities.

Doug has a fantasy that’s just The Beatles on Ed Sullivan. It’s Connie and the Duggles though.

There are three Doug’s playing three drum sets. Naturally, if Doug was a Beatle, he’s be Ringo three times before he was anyone else. In the audience, Patti says, “oh, Doug! You are so rock-n-roll.” She then swoons and slumps down in her chair, though it’s unclear which Doug she’s talking about. This whole sequence is especially weird with the sound, because Connie is singing but she’s clearly not singing in the audio.

The mostly female audience is chanting Doug’s name when Ms. Kristal pops up, calmly asking for his attention.

This doesn’t seem to happen as much as it did in the Nickelodeon series, but Doug’s fantasy is being interrupted by his reality. After Ms. Kristal says, “Doug?” a few times, she asks, “are you listening?”

She just wants to collect his homework. How much did he miss while he was out? Meanwhile, Connie didn’t even do her homework because she couldn’t see how it would help her career as a rock star.

After class, Doug asks her if she’s maybe taking the competition too seriously.

She says they have to be serious to beat out the competition. Doug asks, “what competition?” On cue, music starts playing over the school intercom. The A/V club has formed their own band, and taken over the intercom. They’re playing a song about how they are nerds.

I like that they took the effort to dress in full DEVO costume even though no one can see them because that is not how school intercom systems work. Fucking nerds, right?

Doug says they’re good, and Connie tells him not to worry. She says she has a secret weapon.

Her secret weapon sucks. She has Beets trading cards. The trading cards have Flounder’s Rules for Rock Superstardom. Doug reads the first one she hands him. “Rule #34: Wear a woolly hat when cold is where you’re at.” This episode predates the internet’s version of Rule #34, but somewhere out there is Doug, Connie, and a woolly hat doing stuff I don’t want to see so if you find it please keep it to yourself.

Anyway, Doug think’s the woolly hat rule is practical, but thinks they should actually practice a song. Connie reads another rule and it pertains to how you’re supposed to look. “Without a rockin’ look, you’re just a rockin’ schnook.” Connie has video evidence to reinforce this idea.

Doug has a fantasy about how this plays out. In the first one, they’re dressed as they normally dress, and they’re unenthusiastically singing a song about how they practiced a lot. The crowd boos and throws shit at them.

Another take has them in different clothes, jamming on their instruments. Fireworks are exploding. The crowd goes wild.

The less said about this, the better. After the fantasy, Connie drags Doug to the mall to buy what they need to achieve a look.

Meanwhile, Skeeter, Al, and Moo are working on their monster call.

With this engine, they’ve got all the parts they need. Skeeter asks them where they got it and they hesitate before saying they found it. They are thieves, basically.

At the mall, Doug and Connie are walking out of an art supplies store. Doug asks her what all the posterboard is for. She reads another rule that says, “publicity is a necessity.” Basically, she wants Doug to make 100 posters for their band so they (or rather, he) can put them around town. They’ll win the contest by making sure everyone knows who they are, even though it’s really only one guy judging the contest.

Doug says he has two tests coming up, so he doesn’t have time to make all these posters. Connie says she has four tests she has to blow off, so everyone has to make sacrifices to win the contest. The nerds interrupt their discussion again by broadcasting their video throughout the mall.

Doug says they’re really good. Connie agrees, then gives Doug another hundred posterboards. Doug just wants to know when they’re going to practice.

Back in Skeeter’s story, Al and Moo are ready to unveil their monster call. Unlike the convenient, hand-held device they used to call birds, the monster call is a full vehicle.

Skeeter says it looks like they stole the design from Dr. Seuss. They say it’s an homage. They turn on the machine and all the dogs in the neighborhood start howling. Al and Moo say they need to make adjustments.

So Doug is actually working on the posters.

Connie is working on the other rules for rock superstardom. The rule she’s currently working on is about wild hair.

She also gets a leather jacket, big shoes, and a guitar with five necks.

Doug somehow finished the posters and wants to show Connie. He is initially shocked by her new look. She says she has a surprise for him. The surprise is Roger.

“Rule #3: If you want a big recording deal, get a manager who can lie, cheat, and steal.”

Roger looks at one of Doug’s posters and calls them outdated. He says Connie Benge doesn’t exist anymore. She explains that she dropped her last name, just like Flounder. Roger says the problem now is that Doug is just “Dork Funnie.” Finally, Doug gets his rock star makeover.

Roger says he almost looks cool. Presumably he means “almost” in a Peter Criss sort of way, even though the makeup is clearly a Paul Stanley. Connie says they’re going to have to rehearse their song all night and all day tomorrow, finally. Doug protests because they have a history test tomorrow. She says they’re going to have to quit school. Doug is not okay with this. Roger points out that Flounder quit school and became a rich rock star. Connie gives him an ultimatum: quit school or quit the band.

The first act we see at the big song competition is a little weird. It’s four people wearing hats shaped like ears of corn, and they’re square dancing. The last line of their song is, “I decided not to take off my shoe, ‘cuz I’m saving my toenails for you.” Stiff competition.

The K-Bluff host introduces the next group, Lamar Bone’s Polkamaniacs. 

Stiff competition.

Doug narrates that he only came to the competition to tell Connie he wasn’t going to quit school to be in her band.

Al and Moo have made their adjustments and they are finally ready to call the monster. Skeeter pulls a lever to start the incomprehensible monster call, and the machine blows the garage door away.

An animation mistake replaces the garage door as they attempt to drive the not-street-legal vehicle out of the garage. The machine doesn’t fit, so Al and Moo cut big chunks out of the garage door frame so it fits.

Back at the contest, Connie says she doesn’t see the nerds. Roger says they got distracted before the contest.

In a flashback, we see Roger telling the nerds that he needs help setting up his 4D TV. Opening the doors on the entertainment center, Roger is not surprised to find that the TV is already hooked up.

Roger’s plan works because nerds can’t resist the chess world championship. Can you tell that the guy is playing chess against a toaster? Because that’s what’s happening. The nerds are mesmerized. All the work they’ve put into their act and this is where it ends….

Doug asks Connie if they can talk alone. Roger says she’s not Connie anymore. She’s this.

Doug doesn’t get it. Roger and Connie are condescending about the whole thing. Doug doesn’t even get to quit the band. She tells them to stand aside while she observes Rule #1: Get crazy on the stage and you’ll be all the rage. She picks up a guitar and smashes it. Roger points out that it wasn’t her guitar. After they walk off, the guitar’s owner finds his shattered instrument.

Meanwhile, Skeeter, Al, and Moo drive their machine right past a turn they were apparently supposed to take to get to Lucky Duck Lake. Al and Moo comment on their lack of a steering wheel.

Back at the contest, the K-Bluff host introduces the Kid Formerly Known as Connie.

Not Pictured: Prince.

Her song is all about how much she hates school and doesn’t need it. Everyone loves it. The host says it’s time to find out who wins, when Flounder says, “hold on. I think I hear a late entry.” What he hears is Skeeter, Al, and Moo and their monster machine.

It’s making all kinds of noise that I couldn’t begin to describe. The machine crashes into the stage. Al and Moo are disoriented and think they’ve caught the monster and its alien elder. Flounder hops down from the stage and asks Skeeter his name.

Skeeter introduces himself and Flounder announces the winner. It’s Skeeter and his song Monster Call. Doug tells Connie she was really good and Roger says he would have brought the energy up a little.

At Mr. Swirly, Connie is drowning her sorrows in curly fries.

The waiter asks if Connie wants to talk about it, and Connie says, “I lost to a big goofy horn. What’s to say!? More fries!”

Flounder responds, “but you came pretty darn close.”

The waiter asks for Flounder’s autograph after he asks for an order to go.

Angrily, Connie says she did everything his cards said to win, even quit school. He asks, “my cards said to quit school?”

“Not exactly, but you quit school.”

Flounder struggles to spell out “love” for the autograph. Connie helps him out, then asks what’s the point of school if you’re going to rock and roll. Flounder then struggles to spell Flounder. Connie is surprised he can’t spell. He admits he can’t read too good either. Connie doesn’t think this is a big deal because he is at least rich. He says he isn’t. He asks, “would a rich guy need to judge a local radio contest?” He says quitting school is what got The Beets in trouble in the first place.

They couldn’t read their contracts, and when they broke up the record company took everything. Presumably, there’s a Bluffington equivalent of Michael Jackson eager to buy the rights to the songs.

Here’s the really shitty thing: Wendy went to college, studying pre-law so she understood the contract. After the breakup, she’s fine.

Couldn’t help out your band mates then, eh? Shitty thing to do.

Flounder offers to add a new rule to his trading cards. “It’s cool to stay in education.”

Connie suggests, “it’s cool to stay in school.” Flounder then has trouble spelling school.

So Connie stays in school and Flounder determines to become more literate.  He writes a song about how cool it is to stay in school and blows away this crowd of eight.

Connie congratulates Skeeter on the win and says Monster Call really is a great song. Doug laments the fact that the call never made it to Lucky Duck Lake.

Skeeter says it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway. Meanwhile a couple is at the lake dancing to the song when the water nearby starts bubbling.

This episode makes no fucking sense. I love most of the songs in it, so it’s a wash, but like…Connie became famous because Mr. Mayonnaise played a video of her in class? Then, after becoming locally famous, her next big step was winning a competition nearly everyone in town entered? Connie decided to quit school to win a local radio contest with the world’s most underwhelming prize. Where are her parents during all of this? Probably hanging out with Phil and Theda.

Skeeter, Al, and Moo built this horn vehicle to try to call the monster out of the lake, but it crashed and they never got to take it to the lake. They can’t rebuild it or better, just take the recording of it to the lake? That’s it? The end of that idea. It probably wouldn’t have worked anyway, but first lets waste a week stealing shit to build it.