#full articles
Politicians, Nostalgic for the 1990s, Unanimously Support “Medicare-for-All-4-One
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WASHINGTON, DC—In a stunning display of bipartisanship that is all too rare in Washington these days, Congress unanimously passed a new health insurance plan today. This historic bill, entitled “Medicare-for-All-4-One,” guarantees free lifetime medical care for the 1990s super-boy-band that introduced the world to such powerhouse hits as “I Swear” and “I Can Love You […]
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New ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Vaccine Covers All Infections A to Z
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ALPHABET CITY, NY—With so many recommended vaccines—MMR, DTaP, IPV, Hib, PCV, RV etc—it can be challenging to remember all their names, let alone when to give them. That is, until now. That’s because there’s finally a universal vaccine that will displace all others, and everyone, including anti-vaxxers, can easily get behind. Called the ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ vaccine, […]
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New Drug Company “Big Pharma” releases full range of Placebos
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Despite being one of the most studied medications there has never been a range of placebos released onto the market. The newly launched Pharmaceutical company “Big Pharma” saw this gap and have developed a full range of placebos. From the small sized sugar coated range in 5 different colours right through to injectables, eye drops […]
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The Latest Fashion Trend for the Fall: Chin Hammocks
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The fall is here and with it, comes the latest fashion trends for the coolest and hippest of people of the world: those who are immune not only to a virus but also to the disapproving stares of others. Thanks to this pesky little virus, known among the elite as the “Rona”, overstaying its welcome, […]
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New Surgical Intern Faints at Sight of Blood Pressure
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LITTLE FALLS, MN—Dr. Daya Stolick, a new surgical intern, hardly broke a sweat when there was a massive amount of blood loss during her first operative case, expertly helping her attending stop the hemorrhaging. But hours later, during a post-op check, when she saw the numbers 60/30 flashing on the patient’s monitor, she dropped straight […]
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Pharmacology Course Cancelled After Study Suggests It Influences Med Students’ Future Prescribing Behavior
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WASHINGTON, DC—Citing new research from the Pharmaceutical Research & Manufacturers of America (PhRMA) that indicates physicians prescribe drugs they learned about in medical school at a far higher rate than those they did not, Washington Medical School has announced its popular Pharmacology course will be immediately and permanently removed from its curriculum. “The data is […]
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Song of the Diverticulite (Morphine on High at 3am)
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All the bickering of which is best The song, the canvass, the word, the marbled stone, The rest Pittance such luxury Lacking any test Pittance yes! Void of existential quest Ver-Sed, Ver-Sed Who maketh thee? Who taketh thee And Sedateth me? Who bends me forward to hit the spine And Dullen me? Who slips the […]
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Dr. Fauci announces retirement from NIAID to become Major League Baseball Pitching Coach
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Dr. Anthony Fauci, the esteemed director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, announced this morning that he will be stepping down from his position effective immediately. “I have not come to this decision lightly, and it is not without sadness that I make this announcement, but the time has come for me […]
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Concerning: August Intern Asks ‘What’s Covid?’
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MIAMI, FL – August medicine intern Austin Moss asked his attending on rounds, “What’s Covid?” Residency program leadership has already been alerted to this major red flag. “I keep hearing about this Covid. Like, it keeps coming up over and over again since maybe February but I haven’t really taken the time to figure out […]
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90% of Healthcare Workers Unaware N95 Has Eroded into Their Skull
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LOS ANGELES, CA – A recent survey found that 90% of healthcare workers in the UCLA Health system were unaware that their N95 masks had partially if not completely eroded into their skulls. “It is both surprising and not surprising,” explained UCLA neurosurgeon Dr. Sean Feuerstein, who says that is rather commonplace to be consulted […]
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Study: Cure for Covid-19 Likely in Same Vortex or Alternate Dimension Containing Missing Pens
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BOSTON, MA – A landmark, peer-reviewed study published earlier today in the New England Journal of COVID-19 suggests that the cure for novel coronavirus, better known as Covid-19, is most likely in the same elusive vortex, parallel universe, or alternate dimension that contains all of our missing pens. That’s bad news considering we haven’t found […]
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CDC Recommends Swabbing All Orifices Simultaneously for COVID-19
ATLANTA, GA – In an effort to improve diagnostic yield and address the issue of false test results both positive and negative, new guidelines from the Centers for Disease Control & Preventions (CDC) now recommends swabbing all of patient’s orifices simultaneously for Covid-19. “If you have a patient with symptoms concerning for coronavirus and the […]
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Urologist Attends Elementary School’s Career Day
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Third-grade teacher Mr. Granger’s class has had a ball during their annual career day, where students invite a grown-up to come talk about their job. Scientists, firefighters, and chefs, oh my! But someone probably should have asked Kelly Chang about their mother’s specialty before inviting them to the most recent career day… It started out […]
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New Extreme weight loss surgery: total gastric intestinal bypass
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All that “digestion and absorption is so overrated” Weight loss surgery has gained popularity, although success rates are no where near 100%. Patients have been asking for more effective types of weight loss surgeries, especially once’s that eliminate the need for exercise. Well patients must look no further! One surgeon in Mississippi, Dr. Chunkenfixer was […]
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Physician with MD and JD Sues Self for Malpractice
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In a head-spinning display of legal and corporate maneuvering, a Midwestern physician who also holds a law degree has litigated himself for gross negligence and medical malpractice in civil court. Plastic surgeon Vincent Gambini, MD, JD, filed the unusual case last week on Friday afternoon, just as the Clerk of Court’s office was shuttering its […]
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Serious About Safety, “Operation Warp Speed” to Enroll 7.8 Billion People in Phase 1 Vaccine Trial
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WASHINGTON, DC—Leaders of “Operation Warp Speed” (OWS), the government program tasked with developing a Covid-19 vaccine, insist that despite the name, their top priority is safety, not speed. As proof, they announced today that their Phase I trials—the phase that typically evaluates safety—will enroll 7.8 billion people. “This will be the largest clinical study ever,” […]
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Tinder Profiles By Specialty
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Las Vegas, NV – With COVID still raging across the country, medical professionals of all walks have been looking for ways to burn off some steam. A main outlet used to be going to a bar to meet strangers for one night stands and possible long term romances. With COVID shutting down bars and clubs […]
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A Side-by-Side Look: COVID-19 Vaccines vs. Super Mario Invincibility Star
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The Food & Drug Administration (FDA) first granted Emergency Use Authorization to the Pfizer-BioNTech COVID-19 vaccine earlier this month, with Moderna’s COVID-19 vaccine shortly gaining the same authorization very shortly thereafter. There have been many questions asking how these two vaccines stack up against one another, but a huge question remains largely unanswered: how do […]
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‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: 'Rona Version
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‘Twas the night before Christmas, a week after my first dose of vaccine, The in-laws came to visit, when they should be quarantined! I ducked and I hid, more than 6 feet away, They were maskless, singing carols, much to my dismay! ‘Rona was in the air, coming in my direction, But my poor immunity […]
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