#funnies
he’s bald, he’s bisexual, he’s pushing fifty, i didn’t say his name, but he popped into your head didn’t he ?
i lied the compliments are very nice too and im in love with you
Can we all just collectively agree that paparazzi are unnecessary. I don’t know about you but I personally don’t care to see pictures of Ariana Grande getting groceries
Facts
here’s your damn fish
(Y E E T)
*mistakes you for what you are not and so too foreshadows that which you will become* whoops sorry dude
is anyone else on this hill or is it just me and sisyphus and kate bush?
Shirley: Uh, Annie, I didn’t know you weren’t, uh, Christian.
Annie: Yep. One might even say I’m Jewish.
Shirley: Oh, that’s good for you. Tha-that’s wonderful. I respect all religions of the world.
Abed: I’m Muslim.
Troy: Jehovah’s Witness.
Britta: Atheist.
Shirley: The Lord is testing me.
Community. “Comparative Religion”.
Gaslighting doesn’t exist. You made it up because you’re fucking crazy.
Newscaster, Rick and Morty. “Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat”.
You can’t prank someone you don’t like. That’s just assault.
Mitch Pritchett, Modern Family. “Snow Ball”.
Haley: In ‘Legally Blonde’, Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute.
Phil: Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie.
Modern Family. “Arrested”.
When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like “whaat?”
Phil Dunphy, Modern Family. “Schooled”.
Phil: Let me buy Lily a new doll. It’s my fault Cam fell.
Mitch: No, no need. The My Sweet Companion store actually has a hospital with an on-call doctor. […]
Cam: Yeah don’t worry, she has medical insurance.
Mitch: Yeah, and I think we’ve met our deductible for the year so you should be good.
Gloria: Do you know what a doll is in my village? An apple on a fork.
Modern Family. “Virgin Territory”.
Cam: I’m playing a new drinking game. It’s called “Every time I’m depressed, I take a drink”.
Mitch: That game already exists. It’s called alcoholism.
Modern Family. “Aunt Mommy”.
All my shirts get ironed, and their seams should appear straight, just like their owner.
Cameron Tucker, Modern Family. “Treehouse”.
Luke: What were they doing?
Alex: Nothing!
Luke: Whatever it was, it looked like Dad was winning.
Modern Family. “Caught in the Act”.
Buy low, sell high. People are gonna see this and say “that guy’s high”.
Phil Dunphy, Modern Family. “Moon Landing”.
My sister and I were actually a very good team. We were called “Fire and Nice”. I was Fire, because of the red hair, and Claire was Nice, because it was ironic and she wasn’t.
Mitchell Pritchett, Modern Family. “En Garde”.
Dina: Three owls? Newsflash, owls are notoriously solitary!
Cheyenne: Three-owl bitch.
Superstore. “Christmas Eve”.
For the first year of his life, I made up Manny like a girl and told everybody that he was my daughter. *Laughs* But just for a few times. I didn’t want to mess with his head. When he found the pictures, I told him that it was his twin sister who died.
Gloria Pritchett, Modern Family. “Come Fly With Me”.
Mitchell: Cam, just-
Cam: Yes I know. I’ll tamp down my natural gifts and dance like a straight guy.
Mitchell: No slapping your own butt.
Cam: But that’s how I make my horsey go.
Modern Family. “The Bicycle Thief”.
