#garfemon

No. S11 - FAUXDIE - It thinks it’s FOOLING EVERYONE. It is not fooling ANYONE. It wears the FACE OF ANOTHER, the face of an HONEST CREATURE, but it itself is a STINKY PIGEON-TYPE that lacks the confidence to show the HORRIFIC SCARS on its face that it got while trying to hug AN OWL. 

No. S10 - ZIGFEE - This FLYING TYPE Garfemon is unapologetically obsessed with ZIGGY. It got portraits of its SOUL KING tattooed on the insides of its LUMPY WINGS so that everyone can see who OWNS ITS BODY. Note: in this universe, Ziggy is a REAL MAN and not a comic, which makes this all WORSE.

No. S9 - GARFAKE - Don’t let it fool you, this Garfemon is not a Garfemon AT ALL. It is a BED SHEET that has a VILE GHOST inside it, plus some WOOD PARTS. The ghost is one of the WORST GHOSTS and views the human body as a COMPLICATED LASAGNA that it LONGS TO CONSUME. The only thing that can kill it is NOTHING. It is IMPOSSIBLE.

279 - GARFLIPPER - It carries around PILLS in its big honkin MOUTH THING. If you say the magic word, which is “PILLS,” it will SPIT THE PILLS. Then it asks you to pick up the pills and PUT THEM BACK, and it uses the muscles inside its mouth to COUNT THE PILLS and if even a single one is missing it will file a LAWSUIT.

278 - GARFGULL - It cannot FLY but it can HANG DESPERATELY from LEDGES with its big stupid HANDS and then eventually give up and FALL, which can look sort of like FLYING for a second before you realize no it is, in fact, just FALLING. It owns (but did not win) a TONY AWARD.

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Garfemon is a misguided project by me Shawn Bowers - http://www.instagram.com/shawnbowers

277 - SWELLFIELD - This BIG BEAUTIFUL BIRD was once called the KING OF BLING by PEOPLE MAGAZINE. Its friends think it might have paid the PEOPLE EDITORS to get that mention, because it doesn’t even OWN BLING really, so what would have motivated them to pick some RANDO for an award that People doesn’t even usually GIVE OUT. It’s all just KIND OF A STRETCH.

276 - GARFLOW - It ate ALL THE NOODLES, the noodles we’d bought for the BIRTHDAY. We begged it not to, we prayed there would be NOODLES left for TAMMY’S BIG DAY, but the noodle bowl was BONE DRY once Garflow had its way and now we have nothing to PRESENT to our special friend. Tammy is going to be RIGHTFULLY UPSET.

275 - SHIFTFIELD - Shiftfield wears the HIDE of its now deceased LIFE PARTNER as a form of tribute. When people are like “HEY, ARE YOU OKAY,” it looks up from the APPLE that it’s carving with its pocket knife, takes a bite of the sweet fruit, and says “DON’T SEE WHY I SHOULDN’T BE.” Then it licks the moisture off the blade, before going back to minding its BUSINESS.

274 - NUZFIELD - It lives by its OWN RULES, which means it does sandwiches by putting ONE SLICE OF BREAD between two THICK SLICES of meat. It tells all of its friends that it INVENTED A FOOD, even though it’s actually just a remix of a SANDWICH, and even Nuzfield knows he’s misrepresenting his ACCOMPLISHMENT, but it has to take WHAT IT CAN GET.

273 - GARFDOT - It attaches itself to a LASAGNA using its TOPMOST MOUTH THING, and then slurps the RED SAUCE until the lasagna is DEAD. And while that’s PRETTY COOL, did you also know that it SWIMS for RECREATION? Well, it DOES. I guess you could say it has TWO interesting facts about it, HUH.

272 - GARFICOLO - This Garfemon is said to appear when it hears the QUIET CHEWS of children EATING SANDWICHES. It appears NEXT TO the children and demands they stop CHEWING SO HARD so that it can “FINALLY REST.” Like Santa, it appears to all children around the world at THE SAME TIME and is clearly a threat to their SAFETY, which is why SANDWICHES ARE ILLEGAL now.

271 - GARFBRE - This Garfemon is, you guessed it, a COMPUTER HACKER. It sits in front of MECHANICAL KEYBOARDS, just click clacking away at ILLEGAL CODE all day long. It can download bitcoin at speeds of, and I’m not making this up, 48 MEGABYTES PER GIGABYTE. Just by looking at it, your BITCOIN is getting DOWNLOADED. Also, it keeps pipin’ hot lasagna body on its HEAD, but that’s a SEPARATE FACT.

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Garfemon is a bad thing by a bad man, who is me, Shawn Bowers

270 - LOGARF - It has no idea who DLEIFRAG is, despite having the name TATTOOED to the bowl on its HEAD/BODY. It feels like it’s probably someone important, like a PRO GOLFER or TERRORIST, but it can’t get its little NUBS coordinated enough to type on a keyboard and GOOGLE IT. Also, ALEXA AND CRAP doesn’t exist in Garfemon universe, so it can’t just ASK a COMPUTER, OKAY.

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Garfemon is a project that should never have happened by me, Shawn Bowers

269 - GARFTOX - This GOON likes to fly around and YOINK lasagnas that people set out on their WINDOW SILLS to COOL. When it GULPS A GOODIE, it screams its trademark catchphrase “I’m smarter than the av-er-age Garfemon!” and then immediately DEFECATES the undigested lasagna for another Garftox to find and EAT. Scientists believe there are only three ACTUAL LASAGNAS in the world that just get HUMAN CENTIPEDED from beast to beast.

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Garfemon is a bad project by a bad name, who is me, and my name is Shawn Bowers

268 - CASCFIELD - It has wrapped itself in the MOUTH THINGS of its DECEASED FRIENDS so that it may evolve into something BETTER in their MEMORY. Just to be explicitly clear, its friends were named CHANDLER, MONICA, RACHEL, JOEY, ROSS and GUNTHER.

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Garfemon is a project of questionable morals by me, Shawn Bowers

267 - GARFIFLY - It has beautiful JON WINGS, or JOINGS for short. Maybe JONGS would be better, or WINGBUCKLES, but honestly there are no “RIGHT” answers when it comes to Garfemon. Maybe JONWINGS, though.

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Garfemon is a misguided but well-intentioned project by me, Shawn Bowers. You can follow along with Gen 3 as they happen on my Instagram.

266 - GARFCOON - It wraps itself in an outer layer of CAT FLESH while its INSIDES ARE COOKIN’. To conserve energy, it NAPS. But to expend energy, it likes to go to DISCOTECAS, the kind where they play INTERNATIONAL DANCE MUSIC. It almost prefers not knowing THE LYRICS so that it can focus on the universal language of MOVEMENT.

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Garfemon is a questionable project of epic proportions by me, Shawn Bowers

265 - WURMFIELD - This Garfemon’s LIL FEET are tipped with SUCTION PADS that allow it to cling to 1989-1996 MINIVAN WINDOWS without slipping. What drivers don’t realize is that it SUCKS GAS from the minivan’s GAS TANK in the dead of night. It is addicted to SNORKIN’ FUEL, and THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT BEAU-TI-FUL.

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Garfemon is a dumb, bad project by Shawn Bowers

264 - LINOFIELD - It has had a DEBIT CARD for MANY YEARS, but it has never once USED IT. The debit card sits in a DRAWER with old birthday candles, paper clips and BATTERIES. You can’t even see the debit card because it’s hidden under an instruction manual for a MICROWAVE that it got rid of A YEAR AGO. Why does it have a debit card if its not going to USE IT? What’s the point OF THAT?

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Garfemon is a misguided project by me, Shawn Bowers.

263 - ZIGZAGARF - Not to start a RUMOR, but there’s a rumor just OUT IN THE WORLD that Zigzagarf once MADE OUT with a CAR. Like a BIG, NORMAL car, like the kind you’re supposed to DRIVE and not KISS. Talk about a LEGENDARY GARFEMON.

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Garfemon is a misguided project by me, Shawn Bowers.