This time of year, (Elul, Rosh Hashanah, and Yom Kippur), Jewish communities stress the importance of teshuva, which is translated as repentance or return and generally understood as apologizing to Hashem and to other people for any mistakes made over the past year.
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when? - Hillel, Pirkei Avot
But for anyone struggling with safety, mental health, abuse, trauma, or a variety of other things, the task of apologizing to Hashem and other people for your mistakes over the year is just not possible. You are important. Your struggles are valid and an important part of teshuva. You might not be doing the same teshuva as a lot of your community, but you are doing teshuva. You are working hard on yourself, work that is difficult and not to be underestimated. And it is work that must be done before you can approach the rest of the pyramid. Maybe in a few years you’ll be able to approach the high holiday season the same way as what can look like most other people are.
Thank you to those who I talked this idea through with.
This year gave us all potential new sources of trauma, from the pandemic to wildfires to violence in Israel/Palestine & Afghanistan to hurricanes to flooding to abortion bans to transphobia and so on and so on. Instagram user maimonides_nutz(best screenname ever) had this to say about it all (bolding is mine):
I’ve been seeing all the “this is the apocalypse, better wait for the end” tweets come across my feed and I’ve been having a really surprising reaction. Every time I’ve just wanted to shout (with the most conviction I’ve had for anything in years…)
“No!”
No! I don’t believe you! I did not spend the last (and worst) two years fighting my way back to the land of the living for you to tell me it’s all over. I did not go through the excruciating process of learning to love after hope for you to tell me there’s nothing to hope for. After someone weaponizes your own hope against you, it’s very hard to believe you have any left (or will ever again) - then you’ll know that hope is never something to give up voluntarily.
I’m not here to tell you it’s wrong to feel hopeless right now. I’m not going to say that it’s not ok want to hide under blankets sometimes. People are right when they say the grief of the world is too much for any one person to hold, to comprehend. But that’s why we need each other right now.
I thought I had lost *everything,* but now I can see I was wrong - there’s so much more left to lose - and for some reason that’s motivating me to try and hold on tighter.
I don’t know what can be done. Honestly I feel pretty hopeless myself, but now I know that hope is worth fighting for. There are people who have been working hard this whole time because they don’t have the choice to turn to despair. They need our attention right now.
For two years I have wanted nothing more than to disappear forever - for everyone to forget I ever existed (including myself). Now as I see the world crumbling, some ancient part of myself is screaming “not yet.”
A feeling that can be summarized best by Rabbi Lew himself (whose guidance I think we could all be using right now)
“Give us one more year or else. Give us one more year of life, one more year of sun and rain and wind, one more year to labor and to love… Promise me this or else. Promise me this while there is still a small, charged opening between heaven and earth. Give me one more year of life.”
So: Yes, the world is on fire. Yes, we are all traumatized. No, it is not time yet for despair.
For the High Holy Days 5782, I will be sharing quotes from the book “Wounds into Wisdom: Healing Intergenerational Jewish Trauma,“ by Rabbi Tirzah Firestone, PhD. This is a book I recommend everyone read at some point, because it will punch you in the face, and it will validate you, and it will show you to yourself more than any mirror possibly could, and it shows us a way to move forward out of the trauma of the past year, the past two years, the past two thousand years.
For now, though, remember to take care of yourself. Shanah tovah. <3
Who Will Live And Who Will Die? A Troubling High Holiday Prayer
Every Rosh Hashana we say the prayer Unsaneh Tokef :
“On Rosh Hashanah we’ll be inscribed and on Yom Kippur we’ll be sealed – how many will pass from the earth and how many will be created; who will live and who will die; who will die at his predestined time and who before his time; who by water and who by fire, who by sword, who by beast, who by famine, who by thirst, who by upheaval, who by plague, who by strangling, and who by stoning. Who will rest and who will wander, who will live in harmony and who will be harried, who will enjoy tranquility and who will suffer, who will be impoverished and who will be enriched, who will be degraded and who will be exalted. But Repentance, Prayer, and Charityavert the evil Decree!”
I’ve said this prayer many times in my life, but was never bothered by it until this year. Perhaps it’s because I never considered the meaning behind the words until a couple weeks ago when I saw a video which illustrated it very literally, showing a slew of people suffering like Unsaneh Tokef describes and then concluding with “Repentance, Prayer, and Charityavert the evil Decree.” The video then suggested that the viewer make changes in his life so that next year will be a better one.
I immediately picked up the phone and started dialing the numbers of some of the rabbis I trust most.
Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, begins today at sundown. The holiday is observed with a day of fasting and prayer as penance for past sins. The shofar—an ancient instrument crafted from a ram’s horn—is sounded tomorrow at sunset to signal the closing of Yom Kippur, and an end to the day-long fast.
In observance of Yom Kippur, the Jewish Museum will close at 2 pm today through tomorrow, Wednesday, September 19. We reopen on Thursday, September 20 at 11 am.
Jewish Book Council found this scrumptious recipe forApple-Stuffed Challah in Rosie Daykin’s collection of recipes for special occasions from Vancouver’s Butter Baked Goods, new cookbook. It’s the perfect twist to add to your repertoire and table for the Jewish High Holidays!
Wondering what to read over the Jewish High Holidays starting next week? Check out this year’s 10 Awesome Books for the 10 Days of Awe recommended by the Jewish Book Council!
Shana Tova to everyone . I usually spend the high holidays with the Jewish side of my family but this was a very different year for all of us. My parents and siblings are spread across four countries and three continents and I have never been so thankful for the technology we have access to. I hope that the new year will bring new hope to us and a new president to the United States.
