#i bow to you

Missing you something fierce today.

Maybe it’s because I seek a distraction, maybe it’s my shadows messing with my emotions.

But it does not matter, you are missed.

Healing your own shit alone, sucks.

I know you were a beautiful distraction.

It doesn’t make missing you any easier.

Sadly I would take comfort in knowing you missed me. Us.

I know you won’t reach out.

Sadly I don’t think you accept that I won’t either. I stepped forward once, vulnerable on my knees begging for your forgiveness. And you forgave and it was stunning, warmed my heart.

But I made you feel. And you don’t like to feel. Your body rejects it. Your gallbladder tells me your truth. It’s your hard limit.

You never lied, you were always upfront about what your needs were/are.

How could I have known how magnificent we would be, I was shocked as well at how you brought me to life.

You awakened me. I awakened you.

I can’t bring myself to grieve you. My heart can’t take it. To feel the cold grip on my heart and it once again being ripped from my chest, is not something I can endure twice. At least not today.

I hope.

I pray.

I dream.

Maybe some day.

What would it feel like to let yourself feel me?

I promise I won’t ever intentionally hurt you.

I promised you until your birthday and I extended it 28 days. Trust that I am healing, but knowing you’re on the other side would be so encouraging.

But I know you won’t reach out, because feeling is your hard limit. And I make you feel.

I’ll be here until July 4, Independence Day. Poetic yes, not planned.

I miss you.

I think of you.

I need you.

I am still yours.

I am here. Waiting.

Until then.

And so it is written.