Many of you know that I’m a bit of a “pain wimp baby.” In other words, I have a low pain tolerance. Pathetically low.
I tap out of pain play quick. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy pain. I actually really love being taken to the edge of my pain tolerance and challenging myself to endure – it’s just that my tolerance is usually excessively less than almost absolutely everyone.
L is a bit of a sadist. When I first learned that, boy, was I fucking CONCERNED. My dream man had found me and, in that realization, I felt that I wasn’t going to be good enough for him. I immediately knew that he wouldn’t be able to do the same impact play with me that he enjoyed with past partners. I also knew that no matter how much I was crushing on him, I had to respect myself and set my limits - and accept that we may not be a good match. That he may not choose to explore a relationship with me, and that was okay. That we’re all entitled to find a partner that fits our needs and desires.
I remember that conversation and holding my breath when I told him that I might not be the right fit for him. I remember him sitting on my words for a moment, thinking. Me filling the silence, babbling about how it was fine if he left, I understood, no big deal, no harm done, totally fine - I’M FINE.
I remember him gently shushing me, laughing at how I aggressively tried to give him an out.
Then he explained.
Finding pleasure in hurting me isn’t about the force behind his impact or out-performing the last spanking session he gave to another partner. It isn’t about any measurable unit of force or pain.
L told me that what mattered most to him was my willingness to endure the discomfort for him. He may not be able to flog me as hard or as long as others, but he knows that when I submit to the pain, I am in full surrender. Trusting him to take me just far enough, but never too far. My submission gives him the power to hurt me, and I revel in the pain because I know it’s part of how he adores me.
In the months we’ve been together, L has never made me feel pressured to accept more pain than I can handle. He only asks that I challenge myself to suffer to my limit for him. Give him everything that I can. So, I do.
L was edging me last night and saying wonderfully terrible things to me. At one point, he said he looks forward to watching me clean our home naked - save for an anal hook tied securely to my collar.
And I edged immediately. After he turned off the vibrator and my body came down from the edge, I couldn’t help but laugh.
We both laughed.
How ridiculous that the most depraved thoughts in his head make me feel so alive.
Should there really be any hard limits in a relationship? If you TRULY TRUST. Then wouldn’t you trust that he/she will know what you need? What you want? And isn’t it the role of your partner, male and female to push your hard limits, not aggressively or with intent but with purpose? Is it not the dynamic to get out of your comfort zone and see how uncomfortable you can get?
To live life on edge?
Speaking of edging…. Mmmmm
Master has tasked me with edging for five minutes every hour today, I know there is a lesson to be had, there always is. Over the past few days since I returned to him, needy and wanting, understanding the last lesson that I did not need answers to return, I needed to get out of my own way and trust he knows what is best for me. I have been learning so much. He truly is a Master. He fascinates me. How one human can be so in control of what his purpose is but missing the mark on other things. But I know he is the Master of his own self and it is not my role to push him, he does not permit me to do that. I know and accept what my role is with him. I know my purpose is to serve his needs. He is free to use my body whenever he wants. I no longer need him to receive and feel love because I love myself. What I need is to be taught a lesson. To continue to learn about my submission and my purpose to serve. And holy crap does this man teach me: not in the school girl being punished way you kinky fucks are thinking. (Although I am sure I would look cute in that getup) however I am all woman, goddess, alpha to my core, sadly dominant in my past relationships, it’s why men have been who they have been with me in the past. I learned and accepted that about who I used to be on day two of returning to London. But he has always known I am submissive, as are all women if they get out of their own way, they push past the uncomfortable zone of lacking trust, feeling unworthy, …
Hold please time to edge… and the alarm says “LUNCH”… so that is my fantasy…
Laying on the couch, legs hanging over the side, your mouth on my Crown Jewels, feeding on your pussy. Lapping up your juices, like it’s a ripe peach, messy and sticky, dripping down between my ass crack, covering your face, suckling on your clit, teasing and torturing me with that magnificent mouth of yours. Your strong arms wrapped around my thighs pinning me in place as I squirm and try to grind on your face. Purely teasing me as I know you’ll stop in 5…4…3… 2…1….
I miss the simpler times when a telephone was all you had to communicate with someone. No social media, no texting, no blocking someone. You were forced to communicate or listen to the obnoxious phone ring over and over until you answered. Heck I even remember tying a string to two cans and playing telephone as a kid (still confused by that as it is a bit too much science for this blonde brain to comprehend how those two cans and a string worked)…
I wanted to reach out to you the other day. I reached out last month on the day of the Star and you forgave me. The intent was not to get a response but to bring something to light. To bring to your attention that I made you feel. And that is why you walked away. There is no other reason. But I chose not to send the email as I do not wish to be a hard limit pusher. You need to heal on your own terms, as I am mine. Please don’t misunderstand this post, for me, to write is to heal, to speak my truth and my needs come first. I am not selfish. That is the dynamic. I am happy you walked away this time as you were correct, I was not healing, you were a distraction. You were right, I wasn’t focused on my work.
I will trust that when/if that time comes I won’t need to seek the cards or outside sources, I will trust myself and that it’s the right time. I will trust that I will know without a shadow of a doubt when the right time will be to post this to the masses. Hoping you read. And it may never happen. Parts of this letter are over 2 months old, from our first lesson. You may just be a chapter in my life. An incredible one but who knows, only time will tell. For now I hold space for you as our story was pure magic and you said you would wait until June. But I have no idea if you’ll be at the other end of this journey, sadly I am not psychic.
I recognize that that I anxiously attached to you. Shut down the entire world except focusing on you, feeling a deep connection with just you, but that is not healthy. I need balance, strength and justice. I need to sit in the space and recognize why I chose you. It is my choice to choose you and your choice to choose me. Free will is a beautiful thing. You’re not the only person in the world. You don’t have to be a mathematician to recognize that there is way more than 1 person in the world for me. The subject of “The One” is beautiful but there are many ones, it’s just about who are we willing to work it out with, who are we meeting at the right time in our lives. So I need to sit in this space and recognize that you were brought into my life. And I was brought into yours. I chose you, and you chose me, and you said you would wait, but you have walked away three times now. Was it truly for my healing, or yours or some other lesson. I currently trust that it is all 3. And it may not be our time. I am doing the work without you, focused on the end goal. Up for the challenge. I heard you when you said I was jeopardizing my healing and myself for you, because by accepting that you are my Sir, my owner, my master and my divine union, I give myself over to you completely. That is submission. You were shocked by the transformation. And I accept that scared you. It made you feel. Not something you wanted. But do you need it? It’s a intimidating thing. I am sorry I triggered you, but to be triggered is to heal. If you choose to process. I hope you see that. Because in order to be in a life with me you will need to be open and honest and true to who you are, you will need to no longer deny your heart, your truth or your magic. To return to me, you will need to walk through the door knowing you’re entering a divine spiritual union.
To know is to enter. To enter is to heal. To heal is to love.
Hear me. I know you listen, but do you hear me? See me? Feel me?
Maybe it’s because I seek a distraction, maybe it’s my shadows messing with my emotions.
But it does not matter, you are missed.
Healing your own shit alone, sucks.
I know you were a beautiful distraction.
It doesn’t make missing you any easier.
Sadly I would take comfort in knowing you missed me. Us.
I know you won’t reach out.
Sadly I don’t think you accept that I won’t either. I stepped forward once, vulnerable on my knees begging for your forgiveness. And you forgave and it was stunning, warmed my heart.
But I made you feel. And you don’t like to feel. Your body rejects it. Your gallbladder tells me your truth. It’s your hard limit.
You never lied, you were always upfront about what your needs were/are.
How could I have known how magnificent we would be, I was shocked as well at how you brought me to life.
You awakened me. I awakened you.
I can’t bring myself to grieve you. My heart can’t take it. To feel the cold grip on my heart and it once again being ripped from my chest, is not something I can endure twice. At least not today.
I hope.
I pray.
I dream.
Maybe some day.
What would it feel like to let yourself feel me?
I promise I won’t ever intentionally hurt you.
I promised you until your birthday and I extended it 28 days. Trust that I am healing, but knowing you’re on the other side would be so encouraging.
But I know you won’t reach out, because feeling is your hard limit. And I make you feel.
I’ll be here until July 4, Independence Day. Poetic yes, not planned.
A friend posted “I have been dominating men most of my life without even realizing I was doing it. I much prefer being submissive. It has taken me to new heights…”
It’s a calm to my storm.
It’s who I Am.
I am submissive.
Sadly I let my alpha get in the way at times.
Learning to fully let go has been my hardest lesson in this journey. Not with him. But if my mental shit. With him I was able to let go, trust. Submit but sadly I could not stay in submission all day. I had to put my go to work, therapy, spend time with others hat on… and my alpha reared its ugly head(s). It is hard being alpha during to the outside world and submissive inside. Especially when trying to learn balance with so many other aspects of my life.
I know he did not understand why I needed him but I did, do. He calmed me, brought balance. Accepted my I Am.
But in doing that I made him feel. And he did not want to feel. He only wanted fun, laughter and orgasms. And although it came from a place of the heart, it was his hard limit. For he lacks emotion, his body tells me so.
And no matter how I forced it, you cannot dominate a Dominate man. And don’t even think about domineering one. For he will release you at the drop of a hat and even kick you in the stomach as he walks out.
2020 will be the last year of my life in which I will doubt my sexual + romantic life. You made me understand my role, and I fell in love with you and all the things you make me feel.
The way you praise me; the way you degrade me; the way you care for me and the way you tear your love into my skin.
The way I’ve always wanted to be loved.
(PB) Sandwich maker, baby raiser, cock sucker and always wet and eager to be fucked silly by Daddy~
