#i dont know what to tag this

Scene: my living room.

Character: Me

Action: Wedged behind the sofa, wiping up hard-to-reach dust, dog hair, and dead stinkbugs.

Scoots backwards on knees, muttering quietly

Reaction: The squeaky toy that my knee hit: AaaaaAAUUEEEeeeeeEEEEE!

Me: INSTANT HEART ATTACK

The squeaky toy: Has only one job, which is to make the sound of a dying rodent when squeezed. Has technically done nothing wrong.

My heart: a-BOOM-thump-BOOM-thump-a-BOOM!

The post about my best experience with a doctor is going around again and it’s good to see but it makes me think as well of how rare a good experience with a doctor is for psychotic people, not only as a whole but also in my own experience. The ER doctor who checked me for claws and told me gently I wasn’t physically transforming even if it felt like I was but that didn’t change how real it felt eventually went home and the doctor who told me I was and wasn’t hallucinating and that I heard voices because I hated myself and I’d be sane if I just started to love myself replaced her.

at best i’ve had doctors who ignored my symptoms because admitting i’m schizoaffective meant i would have that mark on my record and they didn’t want that for me. At worst i’m being told lies about my own condition and being gaslit because my sense of reality is already warped and i’m an easy target. We need more compassionate doctors in general, but especially for psychotic patients

Okay, is it like a trend or troll thing going around where ppl reblog your stuff, but reuse all, and I mean ALL, the tags from the original post?

Bc I’ve been having that happen a lot and idky. Especially since some tags are specific to me or are only relevant to my account.

chibimonkey:

I got out of a very abusive, controlling relationship a few years ago with very little money to my name and moved back in with my parents. I’ve been saving to get an apartment, which is about $1100-1300/month here, ever since. I got a job that allowed me to save up, but I was also relentlessly harassed, bullied, overworked, and sexually assaulted to the point where I had a series of mental breakdowns that ultimately led me to quit.

I lost my new boyfriend a few years later due to my father’s interference. My father doesn’t want me here. Before I moved home he actually hadn’t spoken to me in three years, because my previous boyfriend was black. He says I deserve all the abuse “that n*gger” put me through, which included complete alienation of all my friends, complete control and exploitation of my finances, brief homelessness, and the death of my child. He tried to throw me out a month into dating my new boyfriend because “he can put you up now.” Between my job and my father, I was always stressed and miserable, and my boyfriend couldn’t take it. Then he got cancer, and told me he couldn’t deal with my problems on top of his own, he couldn’t take my father anymore, and we couldn’t do this anymore. We broke up. All his friends, even the ones who were supposedly my friend too, sided with him.

I lost a tooth at the beginning of the pandemic, right in the front of my face. It was a crown that had broken. I can’t afford to fix it - I need an extraction of the remaining tooth and an implant, which is $6k total. I only have Medicaid, which the oral surgeon doesn’t take and which doesn’t cover implants anyway. My self esteem tanked.

I don’t have any friends. I’m autistic and have never been great at making them in the first place, and wasn’t able to repair the friendships I lost because of my ex. I don’t talk to my extended family, who my father has been telling for years that I’m an ungrateful, horrible bitch he wishes he never had. They agree with him. Talking to my mother is like talking to a brick wall. She’s so burnt out putting up with my father’s abuse that she can’t even pretend to be a support for me. She never has been anyway.

Most of the time I feel like a glitch in a computer program. I’m not supposed to be here, so people ignore me until I cause problems (whether I actually did or not). No one cared when I was being abused by my ex, even when I came to work crying every day and couldn’t afford to eat. No one said anything in my defense when I was being harassed at work, and after I was assaulted HR told me it was all in my head when I’d report things like “Joe and Brian are telling people they fucked me in the stock room.” Sometimes I’ll vent on social media - both where I know people and where I’m anonymous - and get no response, except maybe “stop saying xyz about people, be grateful for what you have.” I had to delete Facebook because it added to my depression.

I can’t hold a job anymore. I’m terrified of people and being outside. I recently got a freelance gig doing transcription but the pay is very low and only per minute of audio, and I suffer from migraines which makes it difficult. I’ve posted on social media that I can also do editing and proofreading, with no takers. My health has always been very poor and my mental health is trash. No therapist near me takes Medicaid and I’m afraid to go out and talk to one anyway. I’ve been denied state assistance, though I was recently approved for food stamps. I can’t get cash assistance. I’m burning through all of my savings with student loans (which apparently can’t be put on hold because they’re all private) and the rent my dad demands.

On top of all this, my mother just told me she’s divorcing my dad, because he’s abusive and cheats constantly. She’s disabled and won’t be able to keep the house so she’s moving out. She’s the only reason I’ve been able to stay here. I’m pretty sure my father will kick me out, or tell me I can only stay if I become the maid and yard caretaker. He’s already trying to sell my car (which he had to put in his name because my ex destroyed my credit), which will leave me trapped in the house, and my mother has made it clear I can’t move in with her.

My cousins all have their lives figured out. They’re all married with kids, as I’m constantly being reminded of, with their own houses or apartments and good jobs. They’re not afraid of people, or struggling with money, or having a panic attack at 1am on a Wednesday because they don’t know how they’re going to get through the next week, let alone the next year. It feels like the cat is the only one on my side and the only one who actually wants anything to do with me. Ten years ago my father called me a failure as a daughter, an adult, and a human being, and it’s just… true.

I got out of a very abusive, controlling relationship a few years ago with very little money to my name and moved back in with my parents. I’ve been saving to get an apartment, which is about $1100-1300/month here, ever since. I got a job that allowed me to save up, but I was also relentlessly harassed, bullied, overworked, and sexually assaulted to the point where I had a series of mental breakdowns that ultimately led me to quit.

I lost my new boyfriend a few years later due to my father’s interference. My father doesn’t want me here. Before I moved home he actually hadn’t spoken to me in three years, because my previous boyfriend was black. He says I deserve all the abuse “that n*gger” put me through, which included complete alienation of all my friends, complete control and exploitation of my finances, brief homelessness, and the death of my child. He tried to throw me out a month into dating my new boyfriend because “he can put you up now.” Between my job and my father, I was always stressed and miserable, and my boyfriend couldn’t take it. Then he got cancer, and told me he couldn’t deal with my problems on top of his own, he couldn’t take my father anymore, and we couldn’t do this anymore. We broke up. All his friends, even the ones who were supposedly my friend too, sided with him.

I lost a tooth at the beginning of the pandemic, right in the front of my face. It was a crown that had broken. I can’t afford to fix it - I need an extraction of the remaining tooth and an implant, which is $6k total. I only have Medicaid, which the oral surgeon doesn’t take and which doesn’t cover implants anyway. My self esteem tanked.

I don’t have any friends. I’m autistic and have never been great at making them in the first place, and wasn’t able to repair the friendships I lost because of my ex. I don’t talk to my extended family, who my father has been telling for years that I’m an ungrateful, horrible bitch he wishes he never had. They agree with him. Talking to my mother is like talking to a brick wall. She’s so burnt out putting up with my father’s abuse that she can’t even pretend to be a support for me. She never has been anyway.

Most of the time I feel like a glitch in a computer program. I’m not supposed to be here, so people ignore me until I cause problems (whether I actually did or not). No one cared when I was being abused by my ex, even when I came to work crying every day and couldn’t afford to eat. No one said anything in my defense when I was being harassed at work, and after I was assaulted HR told me it was all in my head when I’d report things like “Joe and Brian are telling people they fucked me in the stock room.” Sometimes I’ll vent on social media - both where I know people and where I’m anonymous - and get no response, except maybe “stop saying xyz about people, be grateful for what you have.” I had to delete Facebook because it added to my depression.

I can’t hold a job anymore. I’m terrified of people and being outside. I recently got a freelance gig doing transcription but the pay is very low and only per minute of audio, and I suffer from migraines which makes it difficult. I’ve posted on social media that I can also do editing and proofreading, with no takers. My health has always been very poor and my mental health is trash. No therapist near me takes Medicaid and I’m afraid to go out and talk to one anyway. I’ve been denied state assistance, though I was recently approved for food stamps. I can’t get cash assistance. I’m burning through all of my savings with student loans (which apparently can’t be put on hold because they’re all private) and the rent my dad demands.

On top of all this, my mother just told me she’s divorcing my dad, because he’s abusive and cheats constantly. She’s disabled and won’t be able to keep the house so she’s moving out. She’s the only reason I’ve been able to stay here. I’m pretty sure my father will kick me out, or tell me I can only stay if I become the maid and yard caretaker. He’s already trying to sell my car (which he had to put in his name because my ex destroyed my credit), which will leave me trapped in the house, and my mother has made it clear I can’t move in with her.

My cousins all have their lives figured out. They’re all married with kids, as I’m constantly being reminded of, with their own houses or apartments and good jobs. They’re not afraid of people, or struggling with money, or having a panic attack at 1am on a Wednesday because they don’t know how they’re going to get through the next week, let alone the next year. It feels like the cat is the only one on my side and the only one who actually wants anything to do with me. Ten years ago my father called me a failure as a daughter, an adult, and a human being, and it’s just… true.

I got out of a very abusive, controlling relationship a few years ago with very little money to my name and moved back in with my parents. I’ve been saving to get an apartment, which is about $1100-1300/month here, ever since. I got a job that allowed me to save up, but I was also relentlessly harassed, bullied, overworked, and sexually assaulted to the point where I had a series of mental breakdowns that ultimately led me to quit.

I lost my new boyfriend a few years later due to my father’s interference. My father doesn’t want me here. Before I moved home he actually hadn’t spoken to me in three years, because my previous boyfriend was black. He says I deserve all the abuse “that n*gger” put me through, which included complete alienation of all my friends, complete control and exploitation of my finances, brief homelessness, and the death of my child. He tried to throw me out a month into dating my new boyfriend because “he can put you up now.” Between my job and my father, I was always stressed and miserable, and my boyfriend couldn’t take it. Then he got cancer, and told me he couldn’t deal with my problems on top of his own, he couldn’t take my father anymore, and we couldn’t do this anymore. We broke up. All his friends, even the ones who were supposedly my friend too, sided with him.

I lost a tooth at the beginning of the pandemic, right in the front of my face. It was a crown that had broken. I can’t afford to fix it - I need an extraction of the remaining tooth and an implant, which is $6k total. I only have Medicaid, which the oral surgeon doesn’t take and which doesn’t cover implants anyway. My self esteem tanked.

I don’t have any friends. I’m autistic and have never been great at making them in the first place, and wasn’t able to repair the friendships I lost because of my ex. I don’t talk to my extended family, who my father has been telling for years that I’m an ungrateful, horrible bitch he wishes he never had. They agree with him. Talking to my mother is like talking to a brick wall. She’s so burnt out putting up with my father’s abuse that she can’t even pretend to be a support for me. She never has been anyway.

Most of the time I feel like a glitch in a computer program. I’m not supposed to be here, so people ignore me until I cause problems (whether I actually did or not). No one cared when I was being abused by my ex, even when I came to work crying every day and couldn’t afford to eat. No one said anything in my defense when I was being harassed at work, and after I was assaulted HR told me it was all in my head when I’d report things like “Joe and Brian are telling people they fucked me in the stock room.” Sometimes I’ll vent on social media - both where I know people and where I’m anonymous - and get no response, except maybe “stop saying xyz about people, be grateful for what you have.” I had to delete Facebook because it added to my depression.

I can’t hold a job anymore. I’m terrified of people and being outside. I recently got a freelance gig doing transcription but the pay is very low and only per minute of audio, and I suffer from migraines which makes it difficult. I’ve posted on social media that I can also do editing and proofreading, with no takers. My health has always been very poor and my mental health is trash. No therapist near me takes Medicaid and I’m afraid to go out and talk to one anyway. I’ve been denied state assistance, though I was recently approved for food stamps. I can’t get cash assistance. I’m burning through all of my savings with student loans (which apparently can’t be put on hold because they’re all private) and the rent my dad demands.

On top of all this, my mother just told me she’s divorcing my dad, because he’s abusive and cheats constantly. She’s disabled and won’t be able to keep the house so she’s moving out. She’s the only reason I’ve been able to stay here. I’m pretty sure my father will kick me out, or tell me I can only stay if I become the maid and yard caretaker. He’s already trying to sell my car (which he had to put in his name because my ex destroyed my credit), which will leave me trapped in the house, and my mother has made it clear I can’t move in with her.

My cousins all have their lives figured out. They’re all married with kids, add I’m constantly being reminded of, with their own houses or apartments and good jobs. They’re not afraid of people, or struggling with money, or having a panic attack at 1am on a Wednesday because they don’t know how they’re going to get through the next week, let alone the next year. It feels like the cat is the only one on my side and the only one who actually wants anything to do with me. Ten years ago my father called me a failure as a daughter, an adult, and a human being, and it’s just… true.

For anyone who actually reads my stuff, I’m so sorry for the long breaks and the large spaces in between any of my writings. Life hasn’t been the kindest to me and I don’t want to put a wall in front of you all and have you think I’m living the best life I can. In the past 7 days, I’ve had 5 migraines, each one making me just hate even looking at anything giving off light (yeah…. even computer screens with low brightness).

It’s frustrating dealing with migraines on top of my job and on top of keeping everything in my life afloat, but all I can say is I am trying my best. I really can’t begin to thank all of the people that have stuck by me for the past few months and have always offered me something to alleviate the pain, be it their writing or their presence.

I’m trying to get back into writing, but my mental health needs to get better, and I swear I’m trying, it just sucks lol. I have a bunch of WIPs I plan on finishing at least, as well as master lists to make my blog *organized*.

Thank you all for your love and patience, but I want to really give my thanks to @emcscared-whumps,@ocean-blue-whump,@for-the-love-of-angst,@justplainwhump,@whumper-in-training, and @straight-to-the-pain for always making me crack a smile even in my darkest moments.

Y'all have a good day now. Stay snazzy, stay safe, and stay snappy.