I know it was a bit ago, BUT a little update on how mother’s day went this year:

My sibling and I, for the past few years, gave our abusive mother appeasement gifts. Mostly because I’d likely get physically & verbally attacked if we didn’t. 

This year was different. We didn’t do a single thing for her. Both of us are just completely fed up with her.

Thankfully it was a cold & rainy day, so she slept most of it. Only exploding at me once about something ‘unrelated’ (yeah sure). But she got nothing because she deserved nothing. 

mostofmylifeisnotthere:

With Mother & Father’s day coming up, please remember you are not required to be grateful to abusive parents. Please remember,

• Don’t break no-contact.
• Don’t let family guilt you into breaking no-contact.
• Don’t feel guilty for living w/ them as an adult, you’re doing your best.
• Don’t feel you’re betraying yourself if you have to give ‘appeasement gifts.’
• DO put your mental & physical wellbeing first, as we know they won’t.
• Maybe get yourself something, so many of us had to be our own parent anyway.

I’m really glad that so many people are finding this post helpful but it also absolutely breaks my heart that so many people can relate.  

Stay strong & keep going you can do it!

Moving out of my parents’ home in a few days | My Thoughts

In just a few days, I’ll be moving out of my parents’ home and into my own apartment! While I’m very excited for this change, as the move-out day inches closer and closer, I’ve been experiencing a weird mix of emotions.

First, the usual emotions: joy, happiness, relief.I look back at the years I spent at my parents’ home and become even more grateful of the fact that I’m moving out on my own terms. Soon, I will become free of their prying eyes, their demanding expectations, and their strict household. (My dad had said, “You think you’re going to be free of us when you move out? Ha!” I know he’s trying to show he’ll still have ‘control’ of me when I move out, but let’s be real… If I’m not under their roof and am financially independent, their source of control is extremely limited, if that. My mom believes I am only moving out for one year and will move back in once I graduate with my Master’s degree. Ha! I plan to never move back in with my parents, if I can help it. Good riddance!)

But also, weirdly, I’ve also experienced “sadness”. I say “sad” in quotes because I know deep down, I’m not actually sad. I know that these are normal feelings, because it’s the start of a new chapter. While I’m sad to leave behind familiarityandcomfort, I am much more eager to leave behind the unforgiving and, imho, unrealistic Asian traditions/expectations held by my parents.

This is what I felt when I left to go to college: I knew it was a good move for me but I was still nervous because it wasn’t familiar: it was a new path I was trekking on. Of course, I’m older and wiser than I was when I was only 18. Which gives me the confidence to know that I’ll definitely be ok for this chapter!

Plus, my relationship with my parents was at its best when we were separated by distance. I’m fairly confident that me moving out will ultimately improve our relationship.

I can breathe.

I’m excited to share that I’ve officially signed an apartment lease and plan to move out of my parents’ home next month! Graduate school is going to be in-person for the next academic year (and my last year!) and I’m so so so excited for this move. Although great for my wallet, living with strict, Asian, narcissistic parents was not the best for my mental health. It’s been 3 years of me living with them after graduating from undergrad, and I am 1000% ready for this.

• No more of my parents demanding where I’m going.
• No more of my parents criticizing my spending habits when I get packages delivered.
• No more of my parents judging when or how often I hang out with my friends.
• No more of my parents trying to control my life.
• No more of my parents trying to pry into my life.
• No more of my parents restricting my freedom or giving me no privacy.

…

I can finally breathe. This truly is the start of a new chapter for me, and I’m so excited. :’)

Living with Strict, Narcissistic Asian Parents | Breaking Out of the Comfort Zone

After I graduated from high school, I went to a college that was 400 miles away from my parents. The next 4 years were full of challenges and growth. And quite frankly, this was the time where my relationship with my mom was at its best. Let me say that more clearly: Distance is the best thing you can have if you have strict, narcissistic asian parents.

Why? They can’t control you. In my case, all my parents could really do was text or call me. Once the homesickness faded, we all got used to living without each other. My parents would check in with me occasionally but otherwise, let me live my life. We all knew we were just a phone call or text away. (Note: My parents didn’t mind me going to this far away college, because it was UC Berkeley and as we all know, Asian parents love to brag and take pride in rankings.)

Fast forward to today: After college graduation, I moved back home because I got a salaried position near my hometown. I worked there for 2.5 years, then was set to attend graduate school and was excited with the idea of moving away again. Unfortunately, COVID-19 happened and the entire academic year was online. Fortunately, the next academic year is planned to be in-person so I still get to move out!

Now that I’m at this point, I look back and wonder: “Do I regret living at home for the past 3 years?” And honestly, I have to reluctantly say “no.” As much as I did have extreme tension (!!!) with my parents, I have to admit I think the end result turned out ok. I did often feel socially “stunted” and that my privacy wasn’t always respected, however. But through these 3 years, I must’ve easily saved about $50,000 from not having to pay market rent, expenses, food, etc. With me in a master’s program, having this extra $50,000 is extremely helpful so that I don’t have to go into debt for education.

So I’m rambling here. What’s my takeaway?

• If you can, go to a college far away from home. At least far enough where you can dorm. Undergraduate years are a great time to find yourself.
• After graduation, consider your future plans. Are you considering graduate school? Are you still unsure about your career path? If yes, consider moving back home to help save while you think about how to proceed. If no, consider staying away from your parents! Or close enough to visit occasionally but far enough where they can’t control you. I know everyone says to live apart, but it’s 2021 and the reality is living expenses are CRAZY HIGH. Living with your parents is not nearly as stigmatized as it used to be.
• If you do find yourself living back at home (for whatever reason), make the most of it. Your parents will likely make you pay reduced market-price rent or if you’re lucky, no rent at all. SAVE, SAVE, SAVE. If you have a transactional relationship with your Asian parents, just think of your stay as a temporary one. And one that ultimately helps your end goal.
• It’s also easy to stay stuck in this “comfort zone” of just living at home with minimal expenses forever. This isn’t great obviously, and is something I even succumbed to. You gotta grow! Live at home for a few years after graduation, but ALWAYS keep in the back of your mind your exit strategy. Are you staying at home until you get into grad school? Until you get your ideal job? Until you have saved enough for a car?

Of course everyone’s personal situation is unique so this post isn’t a cookie-cutter fit for all.

Alright, there are many of us out here. Long story short: our parents immigrated over to the US, we are first-generation Americans, and there’s often clashes between the Asian culture and the American culture. Specifically, this post is for those of us who have narcissistic, strict Asian parents. If you don’t meet these, I’m sure maybe this post may seem harsh.

Here are 10 things I want to share with my fellow Asian-Americans in similar shoes.

1. Know that your experience may be common among other first-generation Americans who attempt to normalize the parents’ behavior, but that the parents’ behavior is NOT ok. This is something that I see happening often. I’ll say something like “Yeah so they weren’t the best parents.” or “My parents are complicated people” and the person will say, “Haha but that’s what everyone our age [20′s] says about their parents.” or “But they’re your parents!” I’ve learned to filter people who are dismissive! (I much rather them say “Totally see where you’re coming from!” or “Oh, yeah I see.” and *acknowledge* my statement, instead of dismissing it.)
2. If your parents see you as an “investment”, you’re not the only one! My parents (especially my mom) see her children as investments. While I understand there’s some cultural aspect to this point of view, I see this mentality as objectifying children and something that is completely tasteless. Perhaps that’s because I’m apparently “Americanized.” I don’t think parents should treat their children as material objects, wanting to “cash in” on them later. Instead, I think if parents treat their children well, children will be likely to return the favor. You should not need to threaten or consistently remind children that they “owe” you.
   
3. If your parents often criticize you by calling you “ugly”, “fat”, or “stupid, know that this is 100% a reflection of them, and NOT you. I am honestly pretty sensitive so this bullying used to really hurt my feelings. Now I am older and understand that they are reflecting how they feel about themselves and that they are massively insecure. While they try to say things like “Well, I say this because I care about you”, don’t believe it. What kind of logic is that? If your parents say these things to you, let it roll off and ignore them the best you can.
4. If your parents are money-oriented, keep your budget and monetary matters private. I understand where this comes from because many of them came with only the clothes on their backs to America. However, this does not allow them to control YOUR money and finances. Please, please, please make sure you have a separate bank account from your parents and that your finances are not co-mingling with theirs. Once that is established, make sure you keep your budget and monetary matters private. Don’t tell them your salary, your spending habits, how often you eat out, your big purchases, etc. Otherwise, they will use you or use the information against you. My mom will throw a literal TEMPER TANTRUM if she sees take-out in the trash cans. OR she’ll go “Wow, you eat out so much. Why don’t you ever buy me anything? You seem like you have so much money to spend.” I’ve had to hide Amazon packages from her, too. (Note: I’m good with money, so her critique of my spending is unwarranted.)
   
5. Nosy and intrusive parents? Keep conversations to small talk. Similar to the last point of how parents will use information they know against you… the best way to combat this is to just tell them less information. Of course in my specific situation, I can’t simply ignore or block them (nor do I think that action is entirely warranted … I just do limited contact). But I tell them small talk topics. Things I know they can’t really use against me. School, work, dog. I would NEVER, EVER tell them about my love life until I’m sure this guy is the one I want to marry, or something. My parents are much too nosy.
6. Strict parents, high expectations, and never satisfied… To an extent, I’m sure this has led to growth and higher accomplishments. But fuck, I hate when my parents have these crazy expectations of what I can do. And when I do well, they never say praise. It’s “expected” I perform well. Please know that all of your accomplishments take effort and you are appreciated! Even if not by your parents. 
7. If you have parents who are more “housemates” versus happily married couple, well… same. Divorce is very, very taboo in Asian culture, apparently. My parents will argue very often: loud screaming matches, doors being slammed, things being broken, cursing in their language. They’ve threatened divorce multiple times a year, but um they’re still together nearly 30+ years later. This has skewed my view of relationships. Truthfully, I had a period where I desperately wanted someone even if we might not be the best fit (high school/college), but now I’ve realized it’s better to be single than be in the wrong relationship. I am proud of my growth and single status - I’m working on myself, my goals, and my needs. If you have similar parents, please know that there ARE healthy, non-toxic relationships out there. If anything, view your parents’ relationships as what NOT to do.
8.  My parents have often simplistic views of medicine and health. And look, I get it, I know there is Eastern medicine. I cannot just “drink more water” and have everything be ok. I cannot just “eat vegetables” and have clear skin. I cannot just “drink Asian soup” and have all of my back pains gone. I understand the importance of diet, of course, but this is way too simplistic and often ignores science and modern medicine. To me, personally, it comes off as dismissive and disrespectful, especially when I ask my parents to respect my wishes (and my doctor’s) wishes to take medication/surgery/etc. When I was coming off a major 6-hour spinal surgery, my mom would refuse to let me take my pain medicine. Um, what? When my mom learned I was on birth control to control my periods and better my life, she threw my medicine away. I believe my health are private matters, and I don’t think anyone (except your partner) really needs to know your business.
9. Constant comparing and judging is a commonality with Asian parents. And I hate it. Why do I care about your co-worker’s daughter who I’ve never met?! The constant comparing makes everything in life feel like a competition. Now, when my parents try to compare or judge, I just nod and don’t give them any reaction. I’m secure in my own self and my accomplishments. I also think my parents just like to hear themselves talk… 
10. Lastly… know that you are not your parents. Just because you are genetically related to your parents, does NOT mean you will become just like them. You CAN break the cycle and be GOOD parents to your future children. The fact that you are aware your parents are not the best parents shows you are cognizant and recognize their behavior is not acceptable.

I’ll also drop two Reddit sites that have helped me: /raisedbynarcissistsand/asianparentstories 

HOWEVER, I would recommend you only spend 30 minutes a day on these sites because surrounding yourself in negative posts isn’t great for your mental health (at least for me, anyway). While it’s great to find relatable posts, I think it’s better for me to do a positive activity that boosts my mood, instead of stirring up anger and resentment (which is how I feel after viewing the sites for too long, lol).

Mom: Highly narcissistic, classic asian tiger mom, never satisfied with anything. Always pushes siblings and myself more and more. Has little empathy for others. Has a loud shrieking voice. Very temperamental. Extremely money-oriented to the point that she will throw a tantrum if she sees us buying take-out. Has allowed our dog to escape the backyard multiple times. Manipulative. Does not respect privacy or medicine. Thinks “drinking water” can clear up autoimmune disorders. Verbally and physically abusive.

Dad: Extremely passive and uncommunicative. Slightly sexist attitudes, expecting females to cook, clean, and take care of him, but has improved a lot. Is not handy with repairs or fixes and usually ends up doing a half-assed job of it and makes the home lose value (i.e. our bathroom cabinets have ugly nails seen from the exterior, our shower faucets have broken pressure after he tried to fix the leaky aspect, our sink always floods every week because he won’t admit we need a plumber, etc). Also can be verbally and physically abusive but not nearly to extent of mom. Insecure about money. Very simple-minded. 

Older sister: Successful but a mini version of “Mom”. Can be very temperamental, moody, and hot and cold. Currently married and expecting their firstborn this month. Was usually the main recipient of my parent’s abuse growing up and ironically (or for that reason?), tries to forget the harmful past of our parents and family dynamic and selectively remembers the “good” parts only. Trying too hard to “revitalize” our asian traditions without any reciprocity from the family, who is disinterested and tbh should not be kept together for long periods because we’re toxic to each other. Seemingly has little connections/friends and seems lonely, a bit co-dependent on other people’s interactions.

Younger sister: Lazy, unambitious, needs her hand held for everything. Extremely co-dependent. The more artistic, creative sibling of the three of us. Likely has mild depression. Needs to mature more, too sheltered. After my older sister left, my younger sister became the main recipient of my parents’ abuse. Both sisters are fiery and hot-tempered, and clash with parents.

Me: Suffers from anxiety, and as a result often detaches myself from most situations and most people. Commitment-phobic because of parents’ relationship, but once attached to someone, likes the safety and security. Would rather be single than be in the wrong relationship (EXHIBIT A: MY PARENTS’ RELATIONSHIP). Yet ironically would stupidly go back to my exes than starting fresh. Have become more private about my life, which has helped my anxiety a LOT (also see “detached”). Too prideful of accomplishments, like school names and internships, like a dumb work rat in this cog of a machine. Can be petty and hold grudges, which is not great.

First off: I am very appreciative and grateful for my parents and what they’ve done to shape my journey. We do not agree on most things, and much of this is due to the American/Asian culture clash, since I am first-generation American (and first-generation college student). I won’t get into the weeds about our differences, but just know that it is very, very strongly there.

With that acknowledgement there, I want to say… I’m sick of taking care of all of my parents’ responsibilities. I’m sick of having to call their insurance and see what their new quote on their policy would be. I’m sick of having to fill out their tax forms. I’m sick of having to deal with car insurance agents when they need to file a claim. I’m sick of having to serve as their personal “IT” person, when they SOMEHOW erased and reset their phone, losing all of their contacts and information (???). I’m sick of having to know all of their passwords for their accounts because they forget to write it down – which leads me to having to reset all of their accounts and create a new password. I’m sick of them demanding I “find the best deal” for a product. I’m sick of serving as the middle person for all of their god damn interactions, especially with EACH OTHER when they are having fights. I’m sick of serving as their “therapist” when they’re arguing about each other: it’s uncomfortable and toxic.

I’m sick of my parents being unnecessarily dependent on me.

I get that this may come off as entitled and whiny. After all, they did raise me the “best” they could (I guess?) and on the outside, I appear to be a successful person. 

However… I would feel differently if they were clueless on how to do this themselves but were willing to learn, but they’re not. They just demand I do these things for them, with very little appreciation.

They know how to do these things by themselves, they are just lazy. They don’t want to learn how to do this themselves, because they see me – their child – as their eternal servant, who serves them dutifully (fuck no). When I was away in college, they did these things themselves. My parents speak very competent English (near fluent). It’s not that they are pressed for time, either. They both work full-time jobs, yes, but arguably my schedule is much busier: I’m a full-time graduate student AND working part-time. My mom said, “This is why we have children so they can help us out” and yes, I get what she’s expressing - but you should not be increasingly dependent on your children when you are able to do these tasks on your own, and when putting these responsibilities on your children causes them more burden. It is more efficient overall for my parents to learn how to do these tasks themselves. I don’t mind helping here or there (or teaching them how to do these tasks themselves for the future), but I cannot (and will not) be their go-to person for all of their day-to-day responsibilities.

Given my parents’ situation, how can someone be expected to shoulder on TWO ADDITIONAL PEOPLE’S responsibilities AS WELL as my own? I think that’s ridiculous and I’m reaching my limits.

Maybe the worst part of this is that I have a sister at home, but they’ve deemed ME preferable to help with things over her. So ironically, because I’m so helpful, I’m punished and forced to help more. Like ?? This cycle never fucking ends. 

Sigh.

My parents were immigrants who fled their home countries to the USA. Living in a home that had constant clashes with their cultures & the American culture was definitely a struggle. 

I think from the outside, it may look like my family is picture-perfect: 3 daughters who all attended top-notch universities, 1 daughter married and expecting a child soon, the father enjoys working on cars in his free time, the mother appears to be a dutiful wife, etc. 

But like social media, everything is an illusion.

Growing up, my parents were very fierce and overprotective. Everything was a competition. My mom was a tiger mom, demanding all As and top grades. It was difficult to live in such a high pressure environment. Early on in our childhoods, my parents were abusive: both physically and verbally. This lessened as we were older (maybe around middle school) and their parenting grip lessened slightly, but the damage was already done. 

It’s funny reflecting back on my childhood because while I knew then that it was tough (and definitely different from many of my peers), it was all I knew and I somehow thought it was normal. Now I look back and realize, damn. (At the same time, I realize many others have had it worse.) I remember one instance where my mom was trying to teach us Mandarin and she would hit us with a chopstick for wrong responses. I remember my younger sister trying to hide a pillow under her shirt so the chopstick smacking her wouldn’t be as painful. I remember my mom cruelly laughing and saying, “Yeah? Call the police. They’ll take you away from here and you’ll be put in a worse home.” I think even then, my sisters and I knew the foster system wasn’t that great and at least my parents’ (mainly my mom’s) episodic rages were just that – episodic.

I used to genuinely think my mom was experiencing menopause symptoms: mood swings, irritability, etc and that things would get better once her hormones stabilized. But now I know better. It’s “lasted” for about 10 years at this point, and it’s pretty much her personality now. She was never experiencing menopause symptoms - it was a problem with her personality.

I remember getting into UC Berkeley and instead of congratulating me, my mom remarked, “Yeah but you didn’t get into UCLA” (the oneschool I hadn’t gotten accepted to). My mom was like that: constantly putting you down, reminding you of your failures. I think she gets some sort of satisfaction of bringing people down.

Dating was forbidden. Glancing at a boy too long on the car ride home or otherwise showing interest in the opposite gender would induce a long rant. “No, you are not allowed to date. Focus on school, academics, your life.” “No boyfriend.” “No.” This continued in college too. They dismissed the idea of romantic partners, urging to focus on school and academics only. Ironically, once I graduated college, my mom would then say “Where’s your boyfriend? Where are my grandkids?” It’s as if she thinks a boyfriend is something you easily find in a matter of days. I made a pact to myself that I will never tell my parents that I’m dating anyone for as long as I can - they simply don’t deserve to know.

I am grateful that I chose a college 400 miles away. I was able to escape their supervision and maintain a relationship through texts instead. I honestly would say this is the best time of our relationships: I was not feeling smothered or stuffed into a toxic environment. 

Now that I’ve graduated from UC Berkeley and am going to graduate school at UCLA this fall, I feel some sort of peace with myself. On one hand, I am proud of myself for everything I’ve accomplished and surely everything in my past has somehow led me to my present point, but on the other hand, I still feel very dismissive towards my parents. While they did raise me and affect me growing up (for better or for worse), I still feel a lot of resentment towards them for their maltreatment. 

How much leeway do they get? They fled their home countries because of war and struggles but can that excuse be used for 20-25+ years of abusive behavior? How can someone be expected to forget everything that happened and pretend the present times are all good and cheerful? I think that’s what I struggle with. I don’t ever see my relationship with my parents improving to the point where we are some cheerful American TV sitcom show – and I’m ok with that. The less interactions we have with each other, the better.

September 20, 2020

Hey morning, it’s what 6 am where I am and my stupid bitch of a mom just came into the living room (where me and my youngest sister sleep) and started screaming about her seeing a mouse and how it’s because we don’t take out the trash. Then proceeds to calling us “dirty bitches” and “nasty mother fuckers”. Which is hilarious because she lives in an apartment and her neighbor said she saw a mouse in her apartment a month ago. Mind you her neighbor isn’t that clean, I’ve seen inside her house. So I guess she never thought “hey! maybe it came from her!” No I doubt it. I highly doubt it. This woman is an immature, selfish, hyper lying piece of dog shit. Fuck it, rat shit. I have ZERO REPECTFOR HER. I don’t care that she gave birth to me. That’s all she did because she didn’t do SHIT for my sisters and I growing up. Just abuse us physically, emotionally. She us part of the reason I wanted to kill my self so badly when I was younger. She.. why did she even have kids? Money? Because that’s honestly all she cares about. Oh and the best part about all this?! I have an interview and trail shift in an hour at a coffee shop near by but now I doubt I’ll go. Mostly because I have a fucking headache that’s slowly turning into a migraine from her screaming and there are no pain killers here. God! I need my own places!!!

nikkoliferous:

just-random-obsessions:

catprincess78:

lasimo74allmyworld:

books-n-quotes:

“Evil begins when you begin to treat people as things.”

— Terry Pratchett, I Shall Wear Midnight (via books-n-quotes)

Why does Odin treat him like shit?

Because Odin is a textbook narcissist. I think @nikkoliferous has a link to a post for this

@lucianalight did an excellent five-part series on the abusive family dynamic between Odin, Frigga, Thor and Loki. I don’t have the links offhand, but @alstee has also done some great work detailing Odin’s narcissistic parenting.

Odin: we are no different than humans, we live and die just the same

Also Odin, a few scenes later: *sees Jane dying* ewww, get her out of here, why did you bring a human to Asgard??

Thor: dad, she’s sick and we can help her

Odin: humans get sick and die, it’s what they do

Thor: she’s my friend and the woman I love

Odin: did I not remind you Sif existed earlier in the film, come on son

the Aether inside Jane: hey what’s up

Odin: oh damn

Yeah, it’s not just Loki, it’s anyone that threatens Odin’s fragile ego and his distorted beliefs.

He didn’t look like he was even going to banish Thor until Thor insulted him.

He treats Frigga so nicely because she enables him. When she doesn’t…

@nikkoliferous​

Thanks for the tag!

Okay, I am not a psychologist disclaimer, I just find this topic interesting. (and sad and I also wish it was better known because this dysfunctional family dynamic is less rare than people think because it relies on everyone pretending everything is fine and normal)

Throwing a +1 recommendation to lucianalight’s series of posts, it’s what made me realize what exactly was going on with Loki and his family (I had already heard of NPD, and read a bit about it, but not made the connection to these characters).

Here is Odin hitting all the characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and a bit on how the disorder warps the way the person experiences reality:

(spoiler: that view does not actually match reality; the person believes they are the center of the universe while everyone else exists as props that cannot possibly function independently of them; they straight up alter memories or events as they happen to suit what they want to believe)

https://alstee.tumblr.com/post/185918456269/headcanon-i-guess

Here are some links to resources that explain the disorder:

https://alstee.tumblr.com/post/189259889649/magicmastered-nikkoliferous-fyrecrafted

This post centers more on Loki:

https://alstee.tumblr.com/post/186907637808/alwida10-alstee-magicmastered-alstee

This one is about Frigga:

https://alstee.tumblr.com/post/187285765374/magicmastered-alstee-nox-th-lk-sf

And Thor:

https://alstee.tumblr.com/post/187079213774/nikkoliferous-incoherent-excitement

Here is a link to a website that analyses what people like Odin in real life react like when their children finally get fed up and walk away, it is very fascinating and I think it’s a good complementary reading because it’s all about what they say and believe with their own words:

(I’ve seen this linked in forums and twitter and it’s scary how many people go “This sounds exactly like my mother!”):

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html

It’s a whole wild ride and I’m still astounded because I am fairly certain it wasn’t done on purpose in the films and yet they nailed it.

You could use the scenes where Odin, Frigga, Thor and Loki all interact with each other as examples of how the dynamic works to, like, a class of students, or something.

nikkoliferous:

Under Thor’s delusions of grandeur, it’s not about taking revenge on all Asgardians for genuine mistreatment. Thor’s narcissism demands that Loki’s vengeance be about punishing him specifically, hence attacking his new pet realm. Remember when Loki goaded Thor during their fight in Thor (2011) by saying he was going to “pay Jane a visit”?

What really gets me is in that first conversation in The Avengers, Thor seems to have an inkling that Loki’s not acting on his own behalf. “Who controls the would-be king?” he asks. And then he just… drops it and decides everything is about him. I don’t know if he just took Loki’s deflection at face value or what. But you’d think the dude who spent every day for one thousand plus years with Loki would have some concept of how he communicates. For fuck’s sake, Thor. Get over yourself.

ironmaidenmidgardqueen:

We know Loki was mindcontrolled in Avengers. We knew for years.

Lets put aside scene with the obvious fact that Loki is just a puppet and he is being threatened. Scene i dont understand how can anyone watch and not see he isnt doing this on his own will.

What i dont get to this day, is how Thor says “he is after vengeance and me”.

Ok. He is furious at Thor and scepter is even fuelling this hate.

But. Thor,sweetie, not everything is about you.

Plus. Even if there was truth…why attacking Earth & trying to rule it? What vengeance is here? Because “Earth is under my protection?” I dont see that as a good motivation to hurt Thor & get revenge. I think it would be more logical that if Loki wanted revenge,he would try to hurt people who’ve been hurting him his whole life - Asgardians.

He would attack Asgard. They have been bullying him and mock him cos he wasnt typical asgardian man. And it would be even worse if they knew he was frost giant.

What I am saying is,Loki attacking Earth should have been for Thor another sign Loki isnt being himself.

Out of universe: It’s because they needed to establish to the audience that Loki was acting out of character, but still have Thor fight Loki and not have the protagonists find out about Thanos yet.

If Thor had insisted to the others that there was something abnormal going on with Loki and that he wasn’t being himself, the movie couldn’t have ended with everyone going “fiiiiine, take your brother back home to get incarcerated back there, guess we can’t stop you, but if you take the Tesseract we are keeping the Scepter, deal?”

It would have ended with everyone wanting answers and finding out about the Infinity Stones and Thanos and that would have changed the meta-narrative too fast.

Like, the next movies would have been wildly different, not just Avengers, but the solo movies too, if they were all “oh shit there’s a genocidal alien coming this way”, that would have altered all the other plots and made them less important.

In-universe: Thor is Odin’s Golden Child. He’s copying Odin’s narcissism because that’s what he’s been primed to do for centuries. I suppose we could be surprised that he’s turned out to be a halfway decent person at this point of canon. vOv

Also slipping a bit out-of-universe again, but if Thor had been more insistent on how Loki was behaving strangely, to the point that everyone else in the movie was skeptical, but open to finding out more, while keeping Loki detained to keep him from hurting anyone else again, that would have derailed the dang whole movie in like, the beginning of the second act? There might not have been a Chitauri invasion at all.

tl;dr:The whole plot relied on Loki being the villain and no one questioning that enough to unravel his real motivations and finding out the real power behind his actions.

And Thor is a proto-narcissist in this movie thanks to Odin’s A+ Narcissistic Parenting.

chibimonkey:

I got out of a very abusive, controlling relationship a few years ago with very little money to my name and moved back in with my parents. I’ve been saving to get an apartment, which is about $1100-1300/month here, ever since. I got a job that allowed me to save up, but I was also relentlessly harassed, bullied, overworked, and sexually assaulted to the point where I had a series of mental breakdowns that ultimately led me to quit.

I lost my new boyfriend a few years later due to my father’s interference. My father doesn’t want me here. Before I moved home he actually hadn’t spoken to me in three years, because my previous boyfriend was black. He says I deserve all the abuse “that n*gger” put me through, which included complete alienation of all my friends, complete control and exploitation of my finances, brief homelessness, and the death of my child. He tried to throw me out a month into dating my new boyfriend because “he can put you up now.” Between my job and my father, I was always stressed and miserable, and my boyfriend couldn’t take it. Then he got cancer, and told me he couldn’t deal with my problems on top of his own, he couldn’t take my father anymore, and we couldn’t do this anymore. We broke up. All his friends, even the ones who were supposedly my friend too, sided with him.

I lost a tooth at the beginning of the pandemic, right in the front of my face. It was a crown that had broken. I can’t afford to fix it - I need an extraction of the remaining tooth and an implant, which is $6k total. I only have Medicaid, which the oral surgeon doesn’t take and which doesn’t cover implants anyway. My self esteem tanked.

I don’t have any friends. I’m autistic and have never been great at making them in the first place, and wasn’t able to repair the friendships I lost because of my ex. I don’t talk to my extended family, who my father has been telling for years that I’m an ungrateful, horrible bitch he wishes he never had. They agree with him. Talking to my mother is like talking to a brick wall. She’s so burnt out putting up with my father’s abuse that she can’t even pretend to be a support for me. She never has been anyway.

Most of the time I feel like a glitch in a computer program. I’m not supposed to be here, so people ignore me until I cause problems (whether I actually did or not). No one cared when I was being abused by my ex, even when I came to work crying every day and couldn’t afford to eat. No one said anything in my defense when I was being harassed at work, and after I was assaulted HR told me it was all in my head when I’d report things like “Joe and Brian are telling people they fucked me in the stock room.” Sometimes I’ll vent on social media - both where I know people and where I’m anonymous - and get no response, except maybe “stop saying xyz about people, be grateful for what you have.” I had to delete Facebook because it added to my depression.

I can’t hold a job anymore. I’m terrified of people and being outside. I recently got a freelance gig doing transcription but the pay is very low and only per minute of audio, and I suffer from migraines which makes it difficult. I’ve posted on social media that I can also do editing and proofreading, with no takers. My health has always been very poor and my mental health is trash. No therapist near me takes Medicaid and I’m afraid to go out and talk to one anyway. I’ve been denied state assistance, though I was recently approved for food stamps. I can’t get cash assistance. I’m burning through all of my savings with student loans (which apparently can’t be put on hold because they’re all private) and the rent my dad demands.

On top of all this, my mother just told me she’s divorcing my dad, because he’s abusive and cheats constantly. She’s disabled and won’t be able to keep the house so she’s moving out. She’s the only reason I’ve been able to stay here. I’m pretty sure my father will kick me out, or tell me I can only stay if I become the maid and yard caretaker. He’s already trying to sell my car (which he had to put in his name because my ex destroyed my credit), which will leave me trapped in the house, and my mother has made it clear I can’t move in with her.

My cousins all have their lives figured out. They’re all married with kids, as I’m constantly being reminded of, with their own houses or apartments and good jobs. They’re not afraid of people, or struggling with money, or having a panic attack at 1am on a Wednesday because they don’t know how they’re going to get through the next week, let alone the next year. It feels like the cat is the only one on my side and the only one who actually wants anything to do with me. Ten years ago my father called me a failure as a daughter, an adult, and a human being, and it’s just… true.

I got out of a very abusive, controlling relationship a few years ago with very little money to my name and moved back in with my parents. I’ve been saving to get an apartment, which is about $1100-1300/month here, ever since. I got a job that allowed me to save up, but I was also relentlessly harassed, bullied, overworked, and sexually assaulted to the point where I had a series of mental breakdowns that ultimately led me to quit.

I lost my new boyfriend a few years later due to my father’s interference. My father doesn’t want me here. Before I moved home he actually hadn’t spoken to me in three years, because my previous boyfriend was black. He says I deserve all the abuse “that n*gger” put me through, which included complete alienation of all my friends, complete control and exploitation of my finances, brief homelessness, and the death of my child. He tried to throw me out a month into dating my new boyfriend because “he can put you up now.” Between my job and my father, I was always stressed and miserable, and my boyfriend couldn’t take it. Then he got cancer, and told me he couldn’t deal with my problems on top of his own, he couldn’t take my father anymore, and we couldn’t do this anymore. We broke up. All his friends, even the ones who were supposedly my friend too, sided with him.

I lost a tooth at the beginning of the pandemic, right in the front of my face. It was a crown that had broken. I can’t afford to fix it - I need an extraction of the remaining tooth and an implant, which is $6k total. I only have Medicaid, which the oral surgeon doesn’t take and which doesn’t cover implants anyway. My self esteem tanked.

I don’t have any friends. I’m autistic and have never been great at making them in the first place, and wasn’t able to repair the friendships I lost because of my ex. I don’t talk to my extended family, who my father has been telling for years that I’m an ungrateful, horrible bitch he wishes he never had. They agree with him. Talking to my mother is like talking to a brick wall. She’s so burnt out putting up with my father’s abuse that she can’t even pretend to be a support for me. She never has been anyway.

Most of the time I feel like a glitch in a computer program. I’m not supposed to be here, so people ignore me until I cause problems (whether I actually did or not). No one cared when I was being abused by my ex, even when I came to work crying every day and couldn’t afford to eat. No one said anything in my defense when I was being harassed at work, and after I was assaulted HR told me it was all in my head when I’d report things like “Joe and Brian are telling people they fucked me in the stock room.” Sometimes I’ll vent on social media - both where I know people and where I’m anonymous - and get no response, except maybe “stop saying xyz about people, be grateful for what you have.” I had to delete Facebook because it added to my depression.

I can’t hold a job anymore. I’m terrified of people and being outside. I recently got a freelance gig doing transcription but the pay is very low and only per minute of audio, and I suffer from migraines which makes it difficult. I’ve posted on social media that I can also do editing and proofreading, with no takers. My health has always been very poor and my mental health is trash. No therapist near me takes Medicaid and I’m afraid to go out and talk to one anyway. I’ve been denied state assistance, though I was recently approved for food stamps. I can’t get cash assistance. I’m burning through all of my savings with student loans (which apparently can’t be put on hold because they’re all private) and the rent my dad demands.

On top of all this, my mother just told me she’s divorcing my dad, because he’s abusive and cheats constantly. She’s disabled and won’t be able to keep the house so she’s moving out. She’s the only reason I’ve been able to stay here. I’m pretty sure my father will kick me out, or tell me I can only stay if I become the maid and yard caretaker. He’s already trying to sell my car (which he had to put in his name because my ex destroyed my credit), which will leave me trapped in the house, and my mother has made it clear I can’t move in with her.

My cousins all have their lives figured out. They’re all married with kids, as I’m constantly being reminded of, with their own houses or apartments and good jobs. They’re not afraid of people, or struggling with money, or having a panic attack at 1am on a Wednesday because they don’t know how they’re going to get through the next week, let alone the next year. It feels like the cat is the only one on my side and the only one who actually wants anything to do with me. Ten years ago my father called me a failure as a daughter, an adult, and a human being, and it’s just… true.

“Time spent with family creates lasting memories…”

Thanks, Airbnb ad on Twitter, for reminding me why I’m so fucked up.

Some very strange ideas

I recently explained to my toxic, narcissistic mom that I would not be in contact with her any more, since she has explicitly stated (and proven) that she will do and say whatever she wants, regardless of whether it hurts me or anyone else. I told her I wished her well, that I was grateful to her for the sacrifices she’d made in raising me, but that I would not allow myself to be hurt by her any more.

My mom responded, and this is a direct quote, “You have turned out to have some very strange ideas about how a family works and how to treat your mother.”

Yeah. These past few years I fell in with a real bad crowd that taught me about treating people with kindness and respect, and—even more shocking—having a right to expect the same in return.

They’re some very strange ideas, I know, but I kind of like them.

I hope they spread.