Sajangnim, just checked Y/N out of the recovery center. She seems out of it, but I am hopeful that with the proper care, we should be back in Korea by the end of the year or early next year at the latest. - Text from Baek Ha-joon to Bang Si-hyuk, September 2021
She won’t eat. She won’t talk. She won’t write. She won’t sing. She won’t let me play music. She just lays in bed and refuses to move. She stares at the wall — she doesn’t even cry. I don’t know what to do. - Text from Baek Ha-joon to Alton Kuang, September 2021
Sajangnim, just checked Y/N out of the recovery center. She seems out of it, but I am hopeful that with the proper care, we should be back in Korea by the end of the year or early next year at the latest. - Text from Baek Ha-joon to Bang Si-hyuk, September 2021
She won’t eat. She won’t talk. She won’t write. She won’t sing. She won’t let me play music. She just lays in bed and refuses to move. She stares at the wall — she doesn’t even cry. I don’t know what to do. - Text from Baek Ha-joon to Alton Kuang, September 2021
She keeps complaining that Santa Barbara is too white and that if she has to be subjected to microaggressions, cultural ignorance, and being othered one more fucking time by the staff she will make sure she’s much more thorough on her next attempt. Are there any out-patient programs in Los Angeles? - Text from Baek Ha-joon to Alton Kuang, October 2021
Sajangnim, I don’t think it would be a good idea for Y/N to attend the BTS PTD concerts as a way to reintroduce her to public life. She says she doesn’t want to distract Namjoon or the other members from this historic moment. She would prefer they and their staff not be informed that she is now in Los Angeles. - Text from Baek Ha-joon to Bang Si-hyuk, November 2021
She’s a wreck. - Text from Baek Ha-joon to Alton Kuang, November 2021
Sajangnim, I don’t think Y/N will be back in Korea this year or even the next. I am recommending she not renew her contract with us in June. - Text from Baek Ha-joon to Bang Si-hyuk, December 2021
We need to start making plans for who will take care of Y/N when her contract ends in a few months. Unfortunately, I will not be able to stay. I am not confident that she will be able to live on her own safely. - Text from Baek Ha-joon to Alton Kuang, February 2022
March 2022
“Everyone keeps asking me if I can get them BTS tickets, oppa,” you said. “And they want to know if I’m going to Vegas.”
“Do you want to go?” Ha-joon asked carefully, as if you were fragile and he was always breaking you.
“No,” you replied definitively.
You noted his sigh of relief at not needing to tell you it was a bad idea for you to attend. Anything related to BTS or meeting up with people who used to know you — really, peopling in general — was a bad idea.
You hated yourself for turning your once open, confident, and tough love manager into an anxious, guarded person. You knew he was exhausted and you were the cause of his burn out. You were the reason he was going to be without a person to manage in three months’ time. You were the reason Ha-joon was switching departments at HYBE. You were the reason Ha-joon now hated his job.
How he must despise you.
“Do you still need me to get them tickets? I can, you know,” Ha-joon offered kindly. Even now, he was doing his best to take care of you. You did not deserve him.
“You should go, too, oppa,” you suggested softly. At his bewildered expression, you continued. “I’m sure you miss your colleagues and I know you enjoy BTS’s performances, too. I’ll be fine. If you’re worried, I can ask a friend to stay with me for the weekend.”
“Aish,” Ha-joon replied brusquely as he moved to the fridge, pulling food out to start preparing dinner. “I’ll see them all soon enough. I only have you a few more months, Y/N. Stop trying to get rid of me early.”
You merely stared after him, brain futzing. “Oh.”
Everything in your being rebelled at accepting his words as truth. You didn’t realize you were sobbing until Ha-joon enveloped you in his strong, dependable arms.
“Ah, Y/N,” he murmured. “Oppa will miss you so very, very much. But don’t cry just yet — we have three more months together.”
You nodded into his chest and didn’t move for some time. Lies circled your overwhelmed mind like vultures, except for once, you allowed yourself to sink into the hope that Ha-joon was here because he loved you and not because he wanted a return on his company’s investment.
You vowed as you always did that tomorrow, you would make it up to Ha-joon and Alton. You would make them proud one day; you would repay all the sacrifices they had made for you.
———
The next morning, you woke up feeling as you always did: grayed out. The world was muted as if you were underwater and all you could hear was the pounding of your pulse. It did not matter that you were surrounded by luxury in Alton’s understated mansion in San Marino, a wealthy suburb of Los Angeles.
You spent your day like you did every other day: refusing to budge from your bed until your bladder could no longer hold and then crawling back under heavy blankets. You zoned out on mobile games until your elbows hurt. If you sensed Ha-joon down the hall, you would toss the covers over your head, pretending to sleep.
One day slipped into the next and once again, time lost all meaning.
———
“Stop avoiding me, Y/N,” scolded Alton through the tiny screen of your phone, “and before you lie to my face and say you’re not, I have it on good authority that you spend all day locked in your room pretending to sleep.”
“Who says I’m pretending?” you scowled. “I have years of sleep to catch up on.”
“I don’t think that’s how it works, mèi.”
Alton sounded so disappointed. He had to be. He’d settled tens of millions of dollars on your behalf and you repaid him by wasting away your life in bed. Nevermind that you had no idea how to settle the debt given that the thought of singing or performing made you want to vomit. Nevermind that Alton waived it away as if it was nothing. Even if it was nothing to him, it was not nothing to you.
Mattie couldn’t understand why you weren’t more relieved. You didn’t dare confide in him about your sense of despair and indebtedness. The one time you had when he’d visited, Mattie had flown into a rare temper.
“Why can’t you just accept this good thing, Y/N? Why do you always have to be such a martyr? As if you’re the only person in the world who can save us?” The fact that Mattie — calm and collected and easygoing Mattie — had raised his voice at all had thrown you into disarray. “Don’t you fucking dare do anything stupid to pay Alton back. I will never forgive you if you do.”
He had sounded near tears and so you had promised. “I promise, Mattie,” you had said. “Could you clarify what you mean by ‘stupid’ though?” you had teased in an effort to lighten the mood. Mattie had not been amused.
“Anything that jeopardizes your life is stupid, you get me, jiě?” Your brother had growled, his voice flinty and hard.
“I get you, dì.”
“I know you sacrificed for me so I could have an easier life, but I don’t want it. I’m 24 years old and I don’t need it. What I need is my fucking sister to be alive.” Mattie had glared, his hands fisted at his side. “I need you to live, Y/N.”
You had stared at him and perhaps had seen him for the first time. He was no longer a child. He did not need you to take care of him anymore.
“Okay, Mattie,” you had said.
Mattie had stared back, unsure if he could trust you. You hadn’t blamed him. “Okay,” he’d replied as he dragged you into a tight embrace. “Okay.”
Your little brother, who’d established that he was no longer quite so little, had held you for a long time. Somehow, the weight of living had seemed even more ponderous than all your other debts.
You were dragged back to the present when Alton said, “I have a proposal, mèi.” He looked as if he was trying not to seem worried and settled on nonchalance.
“I don’t even get a fancy dinner?” you quipped.
“Dinners are for ladies who put out.”
“Problematic.”
“Just checking to see if you were feeling more like yourself,” he replied. “Glad to see you’re still putting me in my place.”
You grunted. Even this little bit of banter took a lot out of you and you wanted to lay back down, but you didn’t want to face Alton’s judgment.
“What’s your proposal?” you asked. Anything to move the painful conversation along.
“I know you hate feeling like a charity case — and that I can assure you until we’re old and gray and still, you would not believe me,” he said.
You nodded at his assessment. He wasn’t wrong.
“So, hear me out: you want to earn your keep? Then I have a list of demands.”
You raised an irate eyebrow. “Demands?”
“Alright, alright. Suggested work specs,” Alton amended.
“I really can’t work on music, Alton,” you whispered. “So if that’s the work, you’ll be even more disappointed in me.”
Alton rolled his eyes. “I’m only allowing this bullshit about you disappointing me slide — as if you could ever — because I’ll be there in person in June and I don’t want to fight before I get to LA,” he said.
You gestured for him to continue.
“Your work is to physically get out of bed — and stay out — before noon every day.” Alton held up a hand to forestall your burgeoning nitpicking. “And yes, including weekends. And no, you cannot just use another bed.”
“Spoilsport.”
“I also will need you to eat at least one nutritionally balanced meal a day as well as do some sort of physical activity twice a week. Oh, and spend at least fifteen minutes in the sun every day.”
You narrowed your eyes at him. “You ask too much. You know how I feel about the sun.”
“Mèi, I’m worried about you.” Alton’s face softened. “You spend too much time in your head.”
You had nothing to say. Panic pulsed at the edges of your mind. Surely, he wasn’t asking too much of you? And yet, it felt like too much.
“I love you, Y/N. You know this, right? Please tell me you know this.”
You nodded, a curt, abbreviated motion. “Just know I’m making you pay for the laser treatments if I get sun spots.”
“If you must,” you sighed, hoping Alton could tell you were teasing even if the tone didn’t sound quite right.
“I must,” he insisted.
After Alton ended the call, you sank back under your covers and thought of his blatant ploy to get you back into the motions of living. If you were to start working tomorrow, you might as well get in one last wallow.
You did not know the way out, but you hoped maybe duty and obligation to Alton would carry you through.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“TFW old friends refuse to let you accept judgment instead of grace.” - Y/N L/N, Twitter (January 2024)
January 2024
“It’s good to see you again, noona,” Jungkook said as he wrapped you in a tight hug. “Don’t let it go so long next time,” he added, leaving unsaid so much of what Taehyung and the rest of his members had wanted to say for the last few years.
You flushed prettily, eyes remorseful and shimmering. “Thanks for agreeing to have dinner with me,” you said as you sat down in one of the private booths at Ossu Seiromushi.
It had always been one of your favorite places to eat. Taehyung appreciated the fact that even after all these years, you still remembered to support Jin’s older brother. It reminded him that though you had dropped off the face of the earth, you still cared in tiny, ingrained ways.
The four of you made slightly strained small talk. You asked about their year-end performances and families while steering clear of mentions of your own. Taehyung could not help but notice your near constant sipping of the hot sake and how you obviously felt ill at ease. His heart twinged at the years lost between you. He couldn’t stand it any longer.
“I’m sure you don’t really care about how we feel about the weather and our schedules, noona,” he broke in gently. At Jungkook’s shocked gasp, Taehyung wondered if perhaps he was not as gentle as he’d thought.
Panic flicked across your countenance before you shut it down, smoothing over your features. “I suppose you’re right, Taehyung,” you said.
Taehyung pretended he didn’t hear the quaver. He loved you, but he owed it to his leader to ask. Your elusiveness had gone on long enough. “Where have you been, noona? What happened between you and Namjoon hyung? And why did you come back?”
“Taehyung!” rebuked Jimin.
You placed a hand on Jimin’s arm. “It’s alright, Jimin. You deserve answers. Feel free to tell your hyungs, just — just please — let me tell Namjoon myself?”
At Taehyung’s nod, you downed the remainder of your sake and launched into the most heartbreaking story he’d heard in a long time. He wanted you to stop but it was as if now that the dam was released, you couldn’t. Before he knew it, he and his bandmates were sobbing and reaching for their own cups of sake just to make it through.
Taehyung wondered if he had ever known you.
“Noona,” breathed Jungkook. “Oh, noona. I’m so sorry.” His eyes welled over again and you squeezed his outstretched hand across the table.
“I’m sorry for laying it all on you like this,” you said. “I suppose there’s no way to ease into it — at least not when I have so much to answer for.”
“We would have helped you, noona. Surely you know this?” accused Jimin.
Taehyung could tell he was seething just underneath his calm exterior. An angry Jimin was terrifying to behold. You sighed. Taehyung could tell you’d likely heard this from any number of your friends — especially Alton. You knew enough wealthy people.
“I know,” you said, fiddling with your napkin. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I am perhaps a little too proud.”
Jimin barked a startled laugh. “I suppose you are,” he conceded.
“I saw you ask for help all the time though,” Taehyung observed.
“Family’s different,” you said. “You all have such good and kind families — how could I even begin to tell you what my father was like? I —” You swallowed. “My mother disowned me,” you continued dejectedly. “What if — what if I told you everything and you wanted nothing to do with me? If my own parents didn’t want me — how could any of you?”
Your voice broke and you threw your napkin into your lap. You gazed longingly at your empty sake cup and it seemed to Taehyung that you’d come to a decision. You picked up the cup and settled it back on the table upside down.
“We love you, noona,” Jungkook said, resolute. “You’re good through to your core.”
“I — I really am not,” you croaked.
“You think we can’t read people after over a decade in this business?” Jungkook continued. “We’re not naive children anymore, noona. We can’t afford to let the wrong people in our circles — and you’re good people. That’s why it hurt so much when you disappeared. We couldn’t understand how all seven of us — especially hyung — could have gotten it so wrong.”
“It doesn’t matter what your father did or what your mother said. We’re only upset because you had to go through it alone and without us. We love you,” declared Jimin. His tone brooked no dissent.
Taehyung figured it was time for him to say something lest you thought he disagreed. “I’m glad you finally told us, noona. And I’m glad that writing your memoir was healing. I look forward to reading the Korean translation.”
Taehyung’s subject change brought the conversation back to safer territory and he was relieved to see your body finally relax. The four of you chatted a bit more until you looked at the time.
“I know it isn’t even close to midnight except the jetlag is still kicking my ass. But before I forget, I have something for you.” You got up and reached into the shopping bag you’d brought with you and handed them each a gift bag. “It’s nothing fancy, but I — uh, I hope you like it.”
Taehyung took out the tissue wrapped package and ripped it open. He found a thick cable-knit scarf in a deep, forest green shot through with silver-gray embellishes. When he looked carefully, he noted a cuddly bear embroidered on one end and a tiger cub embroidered on the other. He caressed the soft cotton fibers and felt himself choke up.
“This is beautiful,” murmured Jimin. “Where did you find it?”
Taehyung looked up to see Jungkook and Jimin holding up similar scarves except the maknae’s was in charcoal gray and red accents and embroidered bunnies while Jimin’s was a rich indigo blue and silver-gray with embroidered chicks.
“Ah,” you hemmed, flushing slightly. “I knit them. I hope you like them.”
“Noona, I didn’t know you knew how to knit,” gushed Jungkook. “I love it.”
Your mouth quirked ruefully. “I had a lot of spare time,” you said. “I made one for each of you — if you don’t mind passing them along?”
You placed the shopping bag into Jimin’s hands and he nodded.
“I — I don’t know if Namjoon would want — he must hate me but I, I didn’t want to leave him out.” Your voice faltered and you cleared your throat. “Maybe if I — if you could hold onto his until you think it’s the right time?”
Jimin looked torn and Jungkook’s face was filled with anguish.
“Of course, noona,” Taehyung said, wanting to relieve some of the burden Jimin likely felt as the eldest of their condensed group.
“It was good to see you again, noona,” Jimin said as he stood to hug you, his voice thick. “Don’t be a stranger in March, okay?”
You nodded, blinking rapidly. Taehyung and his members chattered among themselves, gathering their things to give you a moment to compose yourself.
When they were outside, Jimin requested one last photo and it hit Taehyung once more just how much he’d missed you over the last three years. You had been like a big sister to him and he had relied on your steady and indulging presence for so much. You had kept him grounded.
He watched as you caught a cab and waved as the car pulled away.
It still smarted when he thought of how much of yourself you’d hidden away out of fear and a misguided attempt to shield them. Maybe it was time they protected you for a change.
———
“The chickens have come home to roost.” - Y/N L/N, Twitter (March 2024)
“What does it mean when the man you’ve spent your life with calls you abusive? Does that mean he saw something inside you — something you thought you’d hidden?” - “Telling a Truth Is a Slippery Slope” (Red Lantern Publishing House, October 2023)
March 2024
Taehyung almost ran into you as you rounded the corner at top speed. “Noona, are you okay?”
It was a stupid question. You obviously were not.
“Do you want me to sit with you?” he asked, though if he was truthful, he was more worried about Namjoon. If you were a wreck then how was Namjoon faring?
“No, I — I’m fine. Really,” you lied.
Taehyung chose to believe it and let you go as he hurried to Namjoon’s studio.
“Hyung?” Taehyung said as he opened the door right after knocking.
All he needed to see was Namjoon’s head buried in his hands and Taehyung was at his leader’s side, throwing his arms around the older man. He just let Namjoon turn into him and weep on his shoulders. Taehyung felt it was about time Namjoon let others carry his burdens, too.
“I suppose you know what happened?” Namjoon grated out after collecting himself.
“Just now? Or in noona’s missing years?”
“I guess everything.” Namjoon shrugged. “You must hate me.”
Taehyung wrapped his arms around the older man again and squeezed. “Why would I hate you, hyung? You didn’t know. How could you be blamed for something you knew nothing of?”
“Am I a monster?” he choked out. “Is that why she didn’t trust me? She tried to explain and I only said horrible things —” Namjoon started sobbing again. “I’m just so, so angry. I thought if I just got a reason from her, I would feel better — but I feel worse. I’m even angrier and I didn’t think it would be possible.”
“Ah, hyung,” Taehyung soothed. “Of course you’re angry. It’s a terrible situation in general. You both did the best you could.”
“Did I, though? I don’t think I did the best of anything today except be a dick.” Namjoon wiped his face on his shirt.
Taehyung smoothed his hand over Namjoon’s back in small, comforting circles.
“You’re allowed to be angry. You’re allowed to be a dick and not have a perfect response,” said Taehyung. “You’re a person and it’s all been a shock to you. It doesn’t matter even though now you know what happened. She still hurt you, hyung.”
“She really did.” Namjoon shuddered a wet breath. “And the worst part is that I still love her. I love her so much, Tae.”
Taehyung just gazed at his friend sorrowfully. “I know, hyung. I know.”
“I’m so stupid. She’s clearly moved on. As soon as Alton saw an opening, he took it.”
“What?”
“You remember Alton. I always hated him. It was her perfect revenge,” mumbled Namjoon.
“Noona’s not with Alton. She’s not with anyone,” Taehyung said carefully. “She hasn’t dated anyone since she left.”
“She’s not dating Alton? But — but she made it seem like she was?”
“Did she ever say that or did you assume something and she didn’t disagree?”
Namjoon paused. “Oh.” Namjoon looked up and Taehyung hated the spark of hope in his friend’s eyes.
“I thought you were angry. Angrier than you were before,” reasoned Taehyung.
“I am. But that doesn’t negate how much I still love her.” Namjoon hung his head again. “I’m pathetic.”
“I thought you were going to try and love yourself a little more, hyung,” Taehyung said gently. “You feel what you feel and what you feel is real.”
“It’s been years. Why are you still quoting ‘Frozen 2’?” Namjoon questioned with no heat.
Taehyung shrugged. “I can’t help that it’s valid.”
“I don’t know what to do.” Namjoon’s entire body slumped.
“First, give yourself some time to absorb this new information and process your grief and anger,” suggested Taehyung. “And then possibly consider that the noona you love is not the same as the noona she is now — and perhaps she never was.”
Namjoon rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms. “When did you get so wise, Tae?”
“I’ve always been this way,” he chuckled. “It’s just that you finally realized it.”
“I suppose you’re right,” conceded Namjoon. He leaned back into the couch and spread out his body and legs. “Thanks, Tae.”
“‘Course, hyung,” he replied. “We’ve got you.”
“Yeah, you really do.”
———
“Y/N L/N returns to her esoteric roots with the scathing ‘Whore of Babylon’ (Big Hit Entertainment, 2019). While her previous two albums were more mainstream and still managed to hit hard and fun, longtime fans (including this critic) are euphoric at what seems to be L/N revisiting the deconstruction of patriarchy and Christianity. We missed her skewering society while couching it all in brilliant barbs and badass beats.
“The album opens with ‘Revelations,’ a wordplay on how L/N bares all as well as the closing book of the Christian Bible where she gets the title ‘Whore of Babylon.’ L/N examines how patriarchy punishes ambitious women who buck expectations and seize what they want. L/N references Lady MacBeth and kumihos on their own tracks, and in ‘Harlot’s Portion,’ name drops famous biblical fallen women such as the woman at the well and Rahab, the prostitute who helped the Israelites capture Jericho and became the ancestor of Boaz and thus, Jesus.
“But without a doubt, ‘Defenestration’ is a love song and rallying cry for her fandom which is also called the Jezebels. While the Bible paints Jezebel as the harlot queen, used throughout history to vilify beautiful women and those who used makeup, L/N flips the insult much as she did with her Korean debut album ‘Shameless.’ Instead, she tells a story of a rightful ruler whose son was murdered and resisted a coup but then was ultimately thrown out a window by the followers of a power hungry prophet who claimed to be on the side of God.
“Smashing.” - The Hankyoreh, July 2019
“After two mini-albums that clearly catered to trends and veered away from Y/N L/N’s signature ‘fuck you’ to mainstream tastes, L/N is back in fine form. ‘Whore of Babylon’ (Big Hit Entertainment, 2019) is everything we hoped the previous two releases would be: experimental, speaking truth to power, and a slap in the face to incels and religious conservatives.” - Rolling Stone Korea, July 2019
“Fucking fantastic.” - NME, July 2019
[1] Revelations [1:06] [2] Harlot’s Portion [3:48] [3] Out, Damned Spot! [4:07] [4] Se7en [3:15] [5] Casting the First Stone [2:56] [6] Pluck Out Your Eye [4:22] [7] Kumiho [3:39] [8] Until the Stars All Fall [4:30] [9] I’m Glorious [2:45] [10] Defenestration [3:27] - Track list, “Whore of Babylon” (Big Hit Entertainment, 2019)
Score us victorious I am utterly meritorious Notorious, uproarious I want you to adore us
No abstentions or declensions Predicated on inflections Apprehensions, dimensions You have no comprehension
Excoriated, excruciated Your vision’s become corrugated Adjudicated until I abdicated I shall not be eradicated
Censorious, spurious Dismiss the vainglorious Greek chorus Implore us, laborious The weight of story is glorious - “I’m Glorious” (Big Hit Entertainment, 2019)
“Big brain energy + big clit energy = WoB!!! We stan a BAMF!” - Twitter user, July 2019
“Can’t wait for the backlash from tiny, insecure men and the religious hypocrites. Jezebels, go!” - Twitter user, July 2019
“oh fuck the mv for im glorious is glorious” - Twitter user, July 2019
“Did she get a new tattoo? If so, who is the lucky fucker who gets to see ‘taste and see that the lord is good’ on her inner thigh?” - Twitter user, July 2019
“all the leather and corsets and chains and boots and bursts of color and lingerie and tiddies and ass cheeks and *faints*” - Twitter user, July 2019
“Y/N kink activated” - Twitter user, July 2019
“Y/N reading thirst tweets on BuzzFeed is everything! The way she isn’t phased by a damn thing.” - Twitter user, July 2019
“I love how Y/N doesn’t need any fucking explanations. And shit, that low chuckle of hers combined with her eyebrow raise? STEP ON ME, QUEEN!” - Twitter user, July 2019
“SHE READ MY TWEET SHE READ MY TWEET FUCK SHIT SHE WINKED AASKJFADSKDF ASDF;LKJASDF;KLJASDKFJS” - Twitter user, July 2019
“DID SHE ACTUALLY TELL THE PERSON TO OPEN THEIR MOUTH AFTER THEY ASKED FOR HER TO SPIT ON THEM OMG FUCK ME” - Twitter user, July 2019
July 2019
“Oh, shit.”
Taehyung looked up at Namjoon’s comment and noted how flushed his leader was. “You alright, hyung?”
“Noona dropped her new M/V,” he replied, voice cracking.
Jungkook lurched at Namjoon’s phone. “I wanna see! Is it good? She wouldn’t send us any pictures from the set and made us promise not to watch teasers.” When Namjoon wouldn’t relinquish his phone, Jungkook’s face lit up in mischief. “You do know we can just look it up on our own devices, right? Where’s my iPad?”
“No — it’s inappropriate!” Namjoon choked out.
Yoongi smirked. “You can’t stop us, Joon. It’s on the internet and we’re all of age.”
“That’s beside the point. She’s my girlfriend.”
“Oh, fuck. Now I really want to see,” quipped Seokjin. “Hurry up, Kook.”
Taehyung and the rest of his members knew that Namjoon tried to keep his jealous streak in check, and it rarely reared its head enough for them to take advantage. So, of course he joined the rest of his members to watch Y/N’s latest M/V just to piss him off. Taehyung knew from Namjoon’s lack of further protest that his leader knew it was a lost cause anyway.
From the opening black and white shot of Y/N’s back — naked except for a tiny leather waist cincher — Taehyung did not quite know how to react in an appropriate manner. The inky dragon, prowling tiger, and cyborg rooster rippled down your muscular back while the hanja at your neck stood out, bold and fierce. He’d never much paid attention to your tattoos but this time, he was mesmerized.
Plus, the globes of your ass were pert, round, and bare. Fuck.
“Is she rapping ‘I’m Glorious’ over a sample of Biggie’s ‘Notorious’?” Hoseok asked. “Oh, she’s fucking amazing.”
“What does her tattoo say? Is that new?” Yoongi paused the video and squinted at the screen.
Now that the video was stopped, Taehyung stared closely, too. He followed a beautiful script up the length of your inner thigh except it was either too hard to read or he was too distracted by the lines of your leg.
He heard a burst of laughter from Yoongi. “‘Taste and see that the Lord is good,’” he read in English. “Y/N is fucking hilarious.” At Namjoon’s grumble, Yoongi added, “Well, Namjoon. How does the Lord taste?”
“Is it real?” Jimin couldn’t resist asking. “When did noona get it?” At Namjoon’s sputtering, Jimin collapsed over himself cackling. “You haven’t seen it yet, have you? You didn’t even know!”
“We’ve been on tour!” Namjoon defended hotly. “Noona said she had a surprise for me and — ah fuck. I won’t even see her until next week. She did this on purpose,” he groaned. “Why is she like this?”
Taehyung joined his bandmates in their good-natured ribbing. “Doesn’t seem like you mind the way she is, hyung.”
“So, what’s this BuzzFeed thirst tweet video with noona that YouTube is recommending next?” asked Hoseok.
“NOOOOOOO!” cried Namjoon in despair. “Why does she do this to me? This is her revenge on me being on tour this past year and half, isn’t it? She just gets hotter and adds secret tattoos and flirts with her fans and I can only watch through a screen.”
“Stop pretending that you hate it,” Seokjin snickered. “You love that you’re the only one she lets touch her.”
Taehyung ignored the twin twists of desire and envy roiling in his belly as he watched the BuzzFeed video, only understanding some of the references. He understood enough, though. Many of the tweets were similar to what he saw under his own.
He divested his body’s response from his mind. You were Namjoon’s girl. Had been for years. He knew better than to lust after you. They all knew better. And yet, sometimes Taehyung could not help but wish for someone like you in his life.
His hyung was the luckiest man alive.
———
“Former singer Y/N L/N is back in Seoul after a three year absence but this time, it’s as an author. The Korean translation of her New York Times bestselling book, ‘Telling a Truth Is a Slippery Slope,’ has surprisingly flown off the shelves and has even broken records in Korea for books written by a celebrity. Likely, many gossip hounds are curious for clues about who her mystery boyfriend of five years was.
“They will get more than they bargained for. ‘Telling’ is a gorgeous piece of writing — and utterly heartbreaking. L/N said she hoped that her book would shine a light on domestic violence in Asian American households as well as breaking stigmas about mental health and suicide. She wished to give courage and hope for those who are suffering.” - The Korean Herald, June 2024
“No surprise, Y/N L/N is in the headlines for stirring up controversy again. Men’s rights activists and multiple government officials are calling for a ban on ‘Telling a Truth Is a Slippery Slope’ because she promotes harmful feminism and lacks filial piety. Extra security is being hired for her reading events and local authorities are recommending attendants proceed with caution.” - JoongAng Ilbo, June 2024
“I’m so excited!! I got tickets to Y/N’s book tour stop in Seoul!! I wonder if her old labelmates will attend to support her?” - Twitter user, June 2024
[ + 107,892, - 12,389] “Y/N is a disgrace. A real man would have kicked her to the curb years ago. She had an entire album called ‘Whore of Babylon’ a few years back and now she’s back with this shit. Why do we keep allowing a self-admitted prostitute back into this country? Send this Chinese slut back to where she came from.” - internet user, Pann, June 2024
June 2024
It never failed to surprise Taehyung when he saw all the security and protesters surrounding your events. In theory, he understood it. After all, he was constantly protected by a detail due to his international celebrity status, but you were markedly more lowkey. He could never grasp what it was about you that enraged so many men.
Could they not see how you were a warrior artist of unparalleled caliber? Or maybe that was the problem; they could and were terrified.
He followed his bandmates into Starfield Library and gazed at the 13 meter book display. Though he didn’t think it was your style of bookstore, he understood that the venue was chosen to accommodate BTS, TXT, and some of their other HYBE groups.
“I thought we were supposed to be a surprise,” whispered Jungkook. “But it seems the press already knew?”
“Of course the press knew,” Namjoon remarked acidly. “How else could they drum up publicity for noona’s book? We’re here to do our part. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have flown back from Japan and just continued with the Asia leg of our tour.”
“Why did everyone tell me it was a surprise then?” Jungkook pouted.
Namjoon sighed loudly. “Because it’s a surprise to the general public, Jungkook. They probably didn’t want us to spoil it.”
“Like I’m the one they need to worry about,” Jungkook grumbled back.
“Are you going to be okay?” asked Seokjin quietly. “Yoongi or I can speak if they ask for our opinion. I can be extra ridiculous today if you want.”
Taehyung’s heart warmed at the gesture. Even though he knew Seokjin loved Namjoon, he also knew how much his eldest hyung adored and passionately protected you. Between Seokjin, Yoongi, and Jungkook, you were well defended among his bandmates.
It was good to see Seokjin remind his leader at a critical moment that he was on Team Namjoon, too.
“I’m fine,” Namjoon snapped. He took a deep, calming breath. “I’m fine, hyung,” he tried again, this time with more care. “Sorry for being a dick, Kookie.”
“‘S fine, hyung,” replied Jungkook, eyes wide and full of concern. “Let’s grab a seat, yeah?”
Taehyung and the rest of his bandmates joined the section where all the HYBE artists were expected to sit and chatted with the members of TXT in the row behind them. He glanced over and saw you sitting by yourself in the very front, back erect and proper. He took a moment to take you in and understood exactly why Namjoon still wasn’t over you.
You had buzzed the sides of your hair into a perfectly faded undercut leaving a shaggy mohawk that was styled like the rock star you used to be. Your ears were covered in so many piercings it resembled armor and Taehyung mused it probably was meant as such. He couldn’t see the rest of your outfit but it was black and framed the shape of your back in flattering angles.
He wondered why you were alone and was about to discuss with his members about greeting you when all 180cm of Alton Kuang swept in, clad in Tom Ford and looking every bit the chaebol he was. Alton crushed you to him in a bruising hug and after, you melted into his tender and intimate touches.
Maybe Namjoon had been right and it was another omission of yours that they’d missed. Or maybe it was a recent development. With you, they could never really be sure. You sure seemed like Alton’s girl through and through.
Taehyung flicked his gaze to Namjoon who had stiffened in his seat and was being comforted by Hoseok, who had tasked himself with occupying their leader. As much as Taehyung wanted to support you, he really wished it didn’t have to be in such a public setting and at the expense of Namjoon. The whole situation just made him sad and he wasn’t even a main participant!
Taehyung decided to peruse the program instead and before he knew it, the program was starting. He clapped politely in all the expected places, waved when BTS was highlighted and thanked, and then, it was your turn to read.
You walked up, head held high and looking regal in a sweeping modern Tang Dynasty style jacket covered in embroidered white cranes. Your movements revealed glimpses of a lacy bralette and black linen harem pants paired with black stiletto boots.
Taehyung’s breath caught. He’d forgotten just how devastating you could be and sent up a prayer for Namjoon. They would all need one.
I don’t know why you’re here,but I know why Iam,you began.
Taehyung found himself seduced by your reading voice, a resonant contralto so different from your normal speaking voice. If he had heard your reading voice without context, he would have never connected the sonorous, rich timbre with you. You were so deep and he was lost.
I write this book as an altar; it is my pile of rocks in the middle of the Jordan, you continued. In the future, my children will ask me, “What do these rocks mean?” I will tell them, “The water almost swept me away but the people who loved me would not let me drown. These rocks will always remind me: I was here. I am here. I made a promise, and I will continue to be here.”
Taehyung had always appreciated your lyricism before, though he’d paid more attention to your vocal abilities and musical stylings. It wasn’t that your words hadn’t been important — it was more that he had never been a lyrics guy. And now that he heard your unvarnished prose, it occurred to him for perhaps the first time that you were an extraordinary writer.
By the time you were done with your excerpt, there was not a dry eye in the house.
The emcee made a few remarks and the program switched to the question and answer portion from both members of the press and the floor in general. All seemed to be going smoothly until a male journalist representing a conservative paper got the mic.
“Some say that you’re just desperate for attention — that your suicide attempt was faked and that your book is an attempt to revive your lackluster singing career,” the man inquired. “That as per usual, you relied on the sensationalism of sex instead of actual talent to make headlines. What would you say in the face of such observations?”
Taehyung saw Hoseok place a placating hand on Namjoon’s knee and forced himself not to react. He would not give the press any satisfaction of provoking any drama from him or his members.
The corner of your mouth lifted and Taehyung knew to brace for impact.
“I would say that it seems as if you’re projecting,” you replied serenely as people in the audience stifled nervous snickers.
The man sneered. “Don’t think you can dodge the question with a quippy remark. We know what you really are.”
Your face was unfailingly polite. “And what am I?”
“An opportunistic upstart leveraging all your scandals in the absence of talent,” he said.
All the oxygen snuffed out of the room.
“Is that right?” you drawled, your eyes belying your lazy calm. “Then it is as you say.”
“That’s it?” the man challenged. “That’s all you have to say?”
You shrugged. “Let’s not pretend you care about facts or truths or my interpretation of them. We all shape our own narratives and you have already chosen yours. It’s always nice to see new fiction writers make a name for themselves.”
Taehyung wanted to cheer and some audience members actually clapped as you dismissed the man and said, “Next question?”
The rest of the time continued without incident. Of course, there were several attempts at asking for spoilers about your mystery boyfriend, but you accepted them goodnaturedly and skillfully sidestepped the attempts. There were even several moving moments where fans and readers explained how you comforted them in their hardship or gave them courage to ask for help.
Before Taehyung knew it, the emcee was explaining logistics for the ensuing book signing and then ushering BTS and his label’s groups into group photos with you. He waved quickly to you as he was shepherded out of the venue and the last he saw was you addressing and signing one book after another.
He wished they had more time to properly celebrate your book, but they were rushing back to Japan for the start of his last tour. They’d decided to start their military service in September at the same time as Namjoon so that they could all be back together as a group of seven as quickly as possible.
Taehyung did not realize that he wouldn’t see you again for another two years.
Author:vyduan Pairing: Kim Namjoon | Reader, Kim Taehyung | Reader Genre: angst, idolverse, exes, friends to lovers, slow burn, canon compliant, smut Word Count: 8.5k Rating: Explicit, 18+ Warnings:misogynistic language, racialized language, swearing, legal consumption of alcohol and cannabis, mentions of guns
Notes: Special thanks as always to @bangtanbeforebitches for her vibe checks and encouragement. Thanks also to my CH friends supertasterandlawyerjin for being sensitivity readers and my possums for helping me out with all my cannabis and drug related questions!
Summary: “Get up, mèi,” said Alton as he threw your weighted blanket back. “We’re moving to the beach house.”
You sat up, bleary-eyed and annoyed. “You have a beach house?”
“I do now,” he replied. “There’s no furniture yet, but whatever. We don’t really need it.”
“Why wouldn’t we need furniture? I like furniture.”
“Has Y/N signed with another label? I miss her.” - Twitter user, June 2022
“Glad to see that HYBE finally came to their senses and dropped that wh0r3. B1tch was sniffing around BTS a little too much.” - Twitter user, June 2022
“It’s been over a year since we’ve had new Y/N content. The music scene just isn’t the same without her.” - Twitter user, June 2022
“I hope Y/N is okay wherever she is, whatever she’s doing.” - Twitter user, June 2022
June 2022
“Get up, mèi,” said Alton as he threw your weighted blanket back. “We’re moving to the beach house.”
You sat up, bleary-eyed and annoyed. “You have a beach house?”
“I do now,” he replied. “There’s no furniture yet, but whatever. We don’t really need it.”
“Why wouldn’t we need furniture? I like furniture.”
It was too early for this sort of nonsense. You were still hungover from sobbing your fucking brains out when Ha-joon left for Korea yesterday and unless Ha-joon was at the beach house, you didn’t have any fucks to give.
Alton tsked and hauled you out of bed. “Come on, come on. We’re going to be late.”
You squinted at the weak light coming from the window. “Alton, it’s barely light out. What do you mean we’re going to be late?”
“I signed us up for surfing lessons.” Alton was practically vibrating with excitement.
“No.”
“YES!”
Your eyes deceived you as you saw one Alton Kuang bouncing and clapping out of happiness.
“I don’t believe in water,” you grated out.
“You what?”
“You heard me. I don’t believe in water.”
“Like, in its existence?”
You huffed. “Like, as a lifestyle choice. Especially if it’s cold and requires me to be wet.”
“I mean, you might not mind,” Alton smirked.
“You’re disgusting.”
“You’re doing it wrong.”
“Just give it a try, mèi,” whined Alton. “For me. Please?”
You regarded your friend and sighed. “Fine. But just know this is under protest.”
“Yes, yes. Under protest. Under duress. But still, you’ll do it?”
You forced yourself out of bed. For Alton, you would get into the cold, polluted Pacific Ocean.
“You do know that the water is cold here, right?”
Alton scoffed. “Of course I knew that.” He paused. “Wait, did I know that?”
“What’s gotten into you anyway? I never found you a particularly sporty person.”
You attempted to wash your face then gave up. What was the point when you were going to be a drowned rat?
“I have a six month sabbatical and I’m going to do all the things,” replied Alton. “I’ve never had a sabbatical before,” he mused. “And I’ve really never made the time to do the things I wanted to do. So now, I’m going to do all the things — and you’re going to join me because nothing’s better than forcing your friends to like the things you like.”
“Erm, I can think of a few,” you grumbled, but Alton’s effervescent mood was contagious. There was no heat to your words. You decided you could pretend at being a decent human being. “What are some of the other items on your list of all the things?”
Alton’s handsome face broke out into a grin.
“I want to learn Krav Maga and kick ass! And learn to cook — like fancy cooking! And skydive! And bungee jump! And run a marathon! And maybe do a triathlon! And learn to scuba dive! Learn how to shoot a gun! Use a bow and arrow! And all the things, mèi! All the things!”
Suddenly, you felt unmoored. It never occurred to you that Alton, of all people, had things left undone. That Alton, breezy billionaire Alton, could possibly feel trapped by his life — although the more you thought about it, of course he would feel that way.
He wasn’t the oldest of his extended family, but certainly, he was the most responsible and the most capable. All his other siblings and cousins had no interest in the family business and only wanted to fritter away their fortune. It had somehow fallen upon Alton to step up for his generation and keep the empire going.
And it wasn’t that you’d never seen Alton happy, but you’d never seen him quite so young or exuberant. You decided that for Alton, you would help leave no stone unturned in his life. If Alton wanted it, you would give it to him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Y/N L/N’s memoir, ‘Telling a Truth Is a Slippery Slope’ (Red Lantern Publishing House, October 2023) has been optioned by Hybe Corporation, L/N’s former entertainment company. This will be Hybe’s first foray into moviemaking and industry insiders are simultaneously doubtful and hopeful that this will mark the beginning of new voices in the movie industry.” - Deadline, August 2024
“I can’t believe they signed Y/N as the lead for the movie based on her memoir. This will either be perfect or spectacularly bad. TBH, I’m hoping for the latter.” -Twitter user, May 2025
“Rumor has it that Kim Taehyung is attached to play the male lead and romantic interest in Hybe’s yet untitled movie based on Y/N L/N’s memoir. Despite currently serving his military service, the power of BTS is undeniable and anticipation mounts for the project.” - The Hollywood Reporter, September 2025
“SUGA is attached to write and produce the soundtrack of ‘A Slippery Slope,’ the Y/N L/N biopic. Hybe is pulling out all stops and risking big on L/N’s little memoir that upended the K-music industry.” - Billboard, February 2026
“Bad news for BTS ARMY hoping for a new comeback soon. Though the remaining members have all finished their military service, Kim Taehyung is in preparations for filming ‘A Slippery Slope’ and other members are otherwise occupied until at least December. Never fear, though. Kim Namjoon has dropped hints of RM 4 soon.” -Koreaboo, March 2026
March 2026
By now, Namjoon knew he wasn’t seeing things, and still — still it threw him for a loop when he saw you with a woman he did not recognize, chatting and eating at the HYBE cafe. He’d heard you were in Seoul to work with Yoongi on the soundtrack and had known it was just a matter of time before he ran into you at the office.
He’d had years to think and work through his issues and still — still, his stomach dropped when he saw you.
You were still so, so beautiful.
Without his own volition, Namjoon found himself at your table, opening his big, stupid mouth. “Hey, noona.”
Your eyes panicked for a quick moment before you tamped that down and forced yourself to smile. You even managed to inject some pretense at joy in your voice. “Hey, Namjoon. You look good.”
“So do you, noona.”
He meant it, too.
“Oh, Namjoon, this is my friend, Ahn Mirae. She’s a visiting Professor of Theology at Yonsei University,” you said. “Mirae, this is Kim Namjoon of BTS.”
Until you’d made introductions, Namjoon’d had his eyes trained on you. But as soon as he focused on Ahn Mirae, his brain blanked. Mirae was a knockout. Beautiful, tawny skin. Curves upon curves. Gorgeous curls. Laughing eyes.
“Um, nice to meet you,” he bumbled out in English.
“A pleasure to meet you, too,” Mirae replied in perfect Korean.
“Wow, your Korean is so good! You don’t have any accent at all,” he babbled. “It’s better than Y/N’s.”
You cracked a wry smile. “It should be. She was born and raised in Seoul.”
“Oh! I’m so sorry — I thought — I thought you were African American? I just assumed you chose your Korean name based on my friend Tiger JK’s wife, Yoon Mi-rae.”
“I think I’m a little too old for her to be my father’s inspiration, but I appreciate you thinking I am,” Mirae cracked.
Namjoon just kept fucking up. He really wished the earth would open and swallow him whole, but then, he’d miss out on Mirae’s gorgeous face and hazel eyes.
“My father is Korean and my mother is Black,” Mirae continued patiently, as if she was used to this line of questioning. Actually, she probably was. Namjoon instantly felt shame. “I split my time between Seoul and Los Angeles, where my mom’s family is from,” she added generously.
“Ah, that’s so cool,” he said.
“I suppose it was cool,” Mirae said, “if you like being bullied for being different and having people constantly question your right to exist.”
Namjoon could feel his entire face heat up. He did not know what to say. “I’m sorry,” he said instead. “That’s awful and you didn’t deserve any of it.”
“I’m just fucking with you, Namjoon.”
“Oh,” Namjoon responded, voice cracking.
“I mean, I was bullied and people were awful and continue to be awful — but that’s not what I normally lead with.” Mirae’s eyes danced at him.
Namjoon nodded stupidly. “Ah, I see.” Namjoon threw a desperate look in your general direction and he heard you audibly sigh.
“Mirae, he just got out of the military. Let’s let his poor little brain catch up,” you said in English, adding, “Don’t let his 148 IQ fool you — Namjoon’s dumb but sweet. He means well and generally, tries not to be problematic.”
Mirae arched a mocking eyebrow. If that was your version of a rescue, Namjoon wasn’t sure he wanted it. He summoned all his years of leading BTS and rallied forward. “How do you know each other?”
“Y/N was a guest lecturer at Yonsei University and I happened to attend her session,” replied Mirae. “I made the mistake of asking a question and she hasn’t given me a moment’s rest since then.”
“Not my fault it was a good question,” you huffed. “I fuck with deep thinkers.”
Mirae winked at Namjoon and his collar felt too tight.
“What was the question?” he asked.
Mirae grinned. “I asked if perhaps Y/N hated a false Christian god made in the image of white supremacist patriarchy. And that perhaps the face of god is a Black woman.”
“What did you say?” Namjoon had always loved the way your brain worked. He was pleased to note the years had kept that intact.
“I said that if I were ever to believe in the Christian myth again, that the Black feminist liberation interpretation appealed to me most,” you answered.
“She’s been on my dick ever since.”
“It’s a nice dick,” you replied serenely.
“I didn’t realize you two were together —” stammered Namjoon.
“Oh, Joonie,” you giggled. “My poor spring lamb. Mirae is stunning and if I could ever deserve her, I would fall at her feet in worship. As it is, I could never and so, I do not.”
Namjoon’s head hurt. “Noona, could you please just speak like a normal person?”
“I’m not dating Mirae, Namjoon,” you replied drily. “Mirae is single at the moment and if you play your cards right, I’ll put in a good word for you. But no guarantees — she has standards.”
“Noona!” Just once, Namjoon wished he had a better sense of self-preservation. And yet, he could not bring himself to regret greeting you if it meant he’d meet Mirae.
“Where have you been hiding him, Y/N?” laughed Mirae. “He’s adorable.”
You rolled your eyes. “As if I could hide him. He’s gotten even huger — Jesus, Namjoon. What have they been feeding you?”
“I — just, um, normal food things?” Normal food things. Namjoon was going to have to move. “I have to go.”
He abruptly turned and exited the cafeteria and made it all the way to his studio before he realized he never bought his lunch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Saw Joonie today and for once, did not feel overcome with self-loathing. Still nervous as fuck, but I’ll take it.” - Y/N L/N, Journal Entry (March 2026)
March 2026
“You naughty bitch,” Mirae hissed as soon as Namjoon was out of earshot. “Is he your fucking gentle giant?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you replied, as prim and proper as you could manage.
“Heis,” Mirae crowed. “Did he look like that when you ghosted him?”
“Jesus, no,” you acknowledged, grateful that Mirae’s comment didn’t sting quite as much as it would have even a few months ago. Maybe that meant you could finally move on. “He was on his way, though. No fair his revenge bod is better than mine.”
Mirae stopped and gave you a careful once over. “I’d call it even. You still keeping up with Krav Maga in Seoul?”
“Haven’t really had the time, but I do box occasionally with Jungkook’s trainer. He goes easy on me but I don’t mind.” You took a bite of your egg tart. “Mostly I’m attending as many dance classes as possible to prep for filming.”
“You should get Hoseok to give you one on one lessons.” Mirae waggled her brows. “I don’t know how you only ended up fucking one member after all these years.”
“They’re hot but so dumb,” you responded good-naturedly. “Like a pack of overgrown puppies. It’s hard to consider them anything but family.”
“HA!” Mirae guffawed. “Jesus knows you for a liar!”
“Look, I’ve got eyes! I’m not saying they’re not ridiculously attractive!” You held up both hands in surrender. “I’m just saying that I’ve been down that road — and I have no intention of doing so again. I should have learned from Johnny before that, but I clearly didn’t.”
“It’s hard not to shit where you eat when the menu looks like Kim Namjoon,” mused Mirae sympathetically.
“It wasn’t even his looks, Mirae. He was just so goddam good,” you said softly. “He is still such a good man.”
“You okay?”
You glanced up to meet Mirae’s incisive gaze. Despite often being on the sharp end of her tongue, you knew Mirae loved you. It didn’t matter that you’d only known her a year or so — and that most of the friendship had been conducted over Kakao Talk. Something about her called to you.
You knew it must have been so difficult growing up Black in Korea — colorism and blood purity was definitely a thing. Add up the general anti-Blackness in America and choosing academics and theology of all emphases — Mirae knew what it was like to be an outsider. She knew intimately how lonely it could get, how her very existence was used against her. She knew the violence of being erased.
You could not help but be drawn to her brilliant mind. That Mirae was a badass and hysterically funny was a bonus.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” you replied.
Mirae’s entire demeanor softened. “Was I too hard on him? Was it too soon to tease you?”
You chuckled. “It’s been years, Mirae. I know you rode him so hard because you actually want to ride him.”
“Hoes before bros, Y/N. I would never.”
“You know…” Your voice trailed off for a few seconds. “It’s not a terrible idea.”
“What’s not a terrible idea?” Mirae asked as she dug back into her cheesecake.
“You and Joon.”
“He wouldn’t be able to handle me.”
You shrugged.
“You yourself just told me he was a big, dumb baby.”
You shrugged again.
“I do like them big and dumb though,” Mirae deliberated. “You sure you wouldn’t mind?”
You lifted both brows.
“I’m in. Tell me everything.”
———
Pick your poison: ◯ Nuthin’ but a ‘G’ Thang - Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg ◯ Gin and Juice - Snoop Dogg -Y/N L/N, Twitter Poll April 2026
Round 2: ◯ Rain (Supa Dupa Fly) - Missy Elliott ◯ Get Ur Freak On - Missy Elliott -Y/N L/N, Twitter Poll April 2026
Round 3: ◯ Sober - Tool ◯ Judith - A Perfect Circle -Y/N L/N, Twitter Poll April 2026
Round 4: ◯ Winter - Tori Amos ◯ Cruel - Tori Amos -Y/N L/N, Twitter Poll April 2026
Round 7: ◯ Rock Me Gently - Erasure ◯ A Little Respect - Erasure -Y/N L/N, Twitter Poll April 2026
Round 8: ◯ Control - Janet Jackson ◯ If - Janet Jackson -Y/N L/N, Twitter Poll April 2026
“i don’t even know half of these artists” - Twitter user, April 2026
“OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT IS Y/N MAKING MUSIC AGAIN SHE ONLY POSTS POLLS WHEN SHE IS OH SHIT OH SHIT FUCK” - Twitter user, April 2026
April 2026
“I’m not feeling it,” said Yoongi.
You collapsed onto the couch in his studio. “You’ve been saying that for the last few weeks.”
“And I mean it every time.” Your old friend complained and sank into the couch next to you.
“I don’t know what you expect from me — you’re the genius.”
“If you would just listen to them and give me your feedback —”
“No.”
“It would work better if we could work on it together,” he insisted.
Your stomach tightened. “They hired you, SUGA of BTS, to write the soundtrack to my biopic. They didn’t hire me.”
“Which also makes no sense.” He shook his head. “Why won’t you sing on it at least? Taehyung is.”
“I told you. I don’t do music anymore.” Yoongi needed to mind his own business.
“Right. You’re a serious author and actor.” Yoongi’s tone bordered on mockery. “What are you going to do when they need you to sing and dance for the film?”
You hated how Yoongi brought up very good points. You had not thought that far ahead — only that you would figure it out eventually and eventually hadn’t happened yet.
“I don’t know. Probably lip sync.”
Yoongi scoffed. “You’re shit at lip syncing.”
“You’re one to talk. I have never seen a group of K-pop singers be so shitty at a basic skill.”
“Stop deflecting.” Yoongi tongued his cheek and you ignored how infuriatingly hot he was. All these years and still, the man was a menace. His tongue was a menace.
“Put your tongue away before you hurt yourself,” you sniped without thinking.
A predatory light instantly flashed in his dark eyes. “Got any suggestions for where I should put it?” Yoongi taunted.
You sucked in a breath as your blood thrummed with desire. You forcibly quelled that hollow ache. This was Yoongi — this was how he was with you. Provoking. Tantalizing. Frustrating.
Clearly you needed to end your self-imposed moratorium on sexual relations and get fucked and get fucked good.
It had been so long since you’d been with a man — you sometimes couldn’t believe that the last person you’d slept with had been Namjoon. You’d held out this long — you were not about to bend to the sheer charisma of Namjoon’s bandmate.
As always with Yoongi, you retreated. You capitulated to his superior sexual dominance.
“No,” you whimpered. That was not how you were supposed to sound.
Yoongi’s pupils blew out and the pink of his tongue slipped between his lips.
“No.” There. You sounded a smidge more resolute. Granted, the sheer speed at which you shot up from Yoongi’s sofa belied your attempt.
“You sure about that?”
The vocal fry in Yoongi’s voice made him sound like ground gravel. His mouth lifted at a dangerous angle. You needed to get the fuck out of Dodge.
“Yup!” you insisted brightly.
“Bullshit.”
The door beeped and Taehyung slammed his way through Yoongi’s studio door. “Hey, hyung —” Taehyung paused as he took in the scene before him. “Um, am I interrupting something?”
“Nope!” you replied just as Yoongi said “Yes.”
Taehyung tilted his head and widened his eyes at Yoongi. You ignored whatever sort of look Yoongi was sending back and slipped out the door.
“This isn’t over!” you heard Yoongi holler after you.
“It most definitely is!” you trilled back, your equanimity returning now that Yoongi was safely ensconced in his studio and nowhere near your person. “Byyeeeeee!”
Now, you just had to convince yourself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Suga was a vision in his classic airport styling: black on black, chic messenger bag, and black snapback. V joined his bandmate in loose golf shorts, sandals, and a flowy, patterned button down. Y/N underwhelmed as always in a Warriors cap and gray sweats. We wish everyone a safe flight to Los Angeles.” - Soompi, April 2026
April 2026
“Excuse me, miss,” Taehyung heard you say to the flight attendant as soon as you’d sat down. “Could I trouble you for a vodka soda? Heavy on the vodka, easy on the soda?” At the attendant’s murmured assent, you said, “Actually, can you make it two? No ice?”
Taehyung stowed his personal items to the side, and took out his tablet, queuing up the latest dramas and movies he wanted to catch up on. He noted how Yoongi already had his headphones on in the seat next to him while you had already kicked off your sneakers and were currently downing the two glasses of alcohol in quick succession. He did not recall you being a nervous flier but perhaps things had changed in the intervening years. He watched as you inserted your earbuds, pulled the hood over your cap and drew the brim down over your face.
“Is noona okay?” Taehyung leaned over to ask Yoongi.
Yoongi slipped his headphones around his neck and cupped a hand over his ear. “What?”
“Is noona okay?” he repeated. “She just downed like 3 shots of vodka.”
Yoongi raised an eyebrow. “Maybe she doesn’t like flying,” he observed.
“She didn’t used to. Noona’s been unusually quiet since the company sent us on this bonding trip to LA. Does she not want to be with us?” Taehyung swallowed down his worries. “Does she not want me to be in the movie?”
“She may love me but that’s not quite the same as wanting me to play her love interest.”
“It’s probably because they’re making her be on the soundtrack and she really doesn’t want to be. That or the fact that they told me to tap into her sound and inspirations or some shit.” Yoongi cleared his throat. “I can’t quite figure it out. She would have jumped at the opportunity back in the day. She loved to go on about her process and influences.”
Taehyung assessed his hyung. “Hmmm, maybe it’s you she doesn’t want to be around.”
“Is that right?” Yoongi chuckled. “And why do you say that?”
“I see you feeling her out.” Taehyung nodded sagely. “Noona is likely sick of your thirsty ass.”
“It’s how we are, Tae,” Yoongi said. “It’s how we’ve always been.”
“And it doesn’t bother Namjoon hyung?”
“A little too late for that — it’s been ten years.” Yoongi grinned. “Besides, he’s smitten with Y/N’s professor friend. He’d be fine if anything ever happened.”
Taehyung shook his head. “I wouldn’t be too sure of that, hyung. Just because he’s into someone new doesn’t mean he’d be cool with you and noona.”
“What did he say about you playing her love interest?”
Taehyung had to give it to Yoongi. He always knew how to land a clean hit.
“Hyung knows it’s just acting.” At Yoongi’s smug simper, Taehyung colored. “It is,” he insisted. “I would never —”
“Tch,” the older man interrupted. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Tae.”
“But —”
“But nothing,” Yoongi replied. “You have to create a shit ton of chemistry with Y/N and if it doesn’t read well on screen, the movie is dead in the water. You know this, right?”
“Of course. I can have chemistry with a paper bag.”
“You probably could.” Yoongi laughed for a second and then got serious. “There’s a reason co-stars often become couples in real life, Taehyung. Be careful with your heart.”
“Please, I’m not an amateur, hyung. I’ve fucked plenty of women without falling in love — and this isn’t even real fucking. It’s all pretend.”
“Right,” snorted Yoongi. “Maybe you’re judging me this hard because you secretly want to practice the love scenes ahead of time.”
“Why are you like this, hyung? I don’t think of noona like that, I just have to act like I do,” Taehyung exasperated. “That’s why it’s called acting.”
The older man shot him a lopsided smile. “She’s easy to fall for, Taehyung,” he said softly. Yoongi repositioned the headphones over his ears and left Taehyung with more questions than he’d started with.
———
“Noona, could we stop for food before we go to Alton hyung’s place? I’m really hungry.”
Taehyung could tell you were trying very hard to be accommodating. In fact, he was surprised you were even coherent. He had never seen a person be so determined to be conscious for as little time as possible and if he was honest, he was more than a little impressed. You’d clearly had practice in keeping your blood chemistry at a preferred level of intoxication for an extended period of time.
“What do you want to eat? We can swing by a drive-thru or something.”
Taehyung felt bad, but after the eleven hour flight, he really wanted something more substantial. “Could we get Korean barbecue?”
“Are you fucking serious?”
Shit. You sounded a lot less accommodating now.
“Yes?” Taehyung responded just as Yoongi said, “That sounds amazing.”
“You literally just arrived from Korea. Fucking Koreans!”
“And?” challenged Yoongi. “Is there a problem with us being Korean?”
“An entire world of different cuisine — and we’re in Los Angeles of all places — and all you want is Korean food!” You removed your cap, ran a hand through your hair and placed the cap back on. “You guys are seriously just like my parents. Oh, we’re in Wisconsin? Chinese food, please! Oh, it tastes terrible? I fucking wonder why!”
“But we’re in LA and it has a K-town,” Taehyung protested. “The food is just like home!”
“You’ve been in America for less than two hours!”
“I thought you liked Korean food, Y/N,” Yoongi needled. “I didn’t realize our people’s food was so objectionable.”
“Ido like Korean food, Yoongi,” you scowled, “I just like other food, too. Did it ever occur to you that I might be homesick, too? I’ve been in Korea for months now.”
Taehyung started to feel a little bad, but then, you sighed and dug your phone out of your purse.
“Ahgassi Gopchang isn’t open for lunch on weekdays,” you said. “Let me ask a friend what they recommend.”
“How do you not know the best K-BBQ places in K-town?” questioned Yoongi.
Taehyung wanted to kick Yoongi for not knowing when to stop but he was also curious.
“I’m almost never in K-town,” you replied. “I mostly stick to the San Gabriel Valley or the Westside. It feels more like home.”
“What’s in the San Gabriel Valley?” Taehyung asked.
“Taiwanese people,” you said, quirking a wry smile. “I guess we all stick to what is familiar.” You inhaled a deep calming breath. “It’s where Alton’s house is — unless you want to stay at his beach house in Malibu instead. But I think gē only built a recording studio at the San Marino residence.”
“Maybe we can check out the beach house on a day off? If that’s okay with you, noona?”
You nodded as you stared at your phone. “Cat unni says a lot of places are closed for lunch but we can always try Chosun Galbee — it should be open by the time we get there. It’s a classic and they should have a private room, too. Let me call ahead.”
Taehyung wasn’t sure who Cat noona was or why he found it so strange to see you doing all the legwork. You weren’t incompetent and it wasn’t as if he didn’t take care of things all the time back in Seoul. You just seemed more in charge in America — as if you had a better grasp on how things worked — and well, Taehyung supposed you did.
Not for the first time did he wonder which of your aspects were country-dependent.
———
“Y/N, we only have four weeks to bang this thing out and you’ve already wasted three days being hungover.”
Taehyung hadn’t heard Yoongi this stressed in a long time. He couldn’t quite hear your response but he definitely heard Yoongi’s. He poked his head out into the hallway.
“I don’t fucking care if it’s been awhile! I know you know how to make music. If you’re not going to help with the actual writing then I need you to at least give me something! I can only get so much from your discography.” Yoongi thunked his head against your closed door. “Please, Y/N,” he added, voice low and desperate.
You cracked open your door.
“Okay,” you said. You sounded awful. “I just — I just need about thirty minutes.”
“Okay,” replied Yoongi, relief evident. “I’ll be in the kitchen — we can walk over to the studio together.”
Taehyung gathered that Yoongi did not quite believe you were going to follow through so he decided to join Yoongi downstairs. They were chatting about nothing in particular when you stepped through fifteen minutes later with a lighter and — was that a joint?
“I didn’t know you smoked,” Yoongi said in a tightly controlled voice.
You eyed them warily. “Is that a problem?”
“You won’t do this in Korea, will you?” Taehyung asked worriedly. “Does the production company know?”
“Relax. It’ll be out of my system long before we get to Korea.” You flicked the lighter a few times. “If the smell is a problem I can switch to a vape pen.” You sighed. “The smell really is revolting. I would have taken a gummy but I never know when it will hit. It’s much easier to time this way.”
Yoongi’s face mirrored Taehyung’s. “Why do you need to time it?”
“Because I really cannot fucking deal with the noise in my head andwrite music or whatever the fuck it is you want me for without it, Yoongi.” You flicked the lighter a few more times. “I would take a shot or two but I’d rather not. It kills the rest of my day.”
“I — I didn’t realize,” Yoongi said.
You threw the lighter and the joint onto the counter in frustration. “Yeah, well, now you realize.”
“We don’t have to do this, Y/N. I can figure something else out.”
“I don’t need to be coddled,” you ground out. “I won’t be told I’m not pulling my weight. I will not be the reason this project fails.”
“I don’t want to traumatize you —”
You gritted your teeth. “You won’t.”
“You said it’s been awhile. When did you last write music?” Taehyung asked.
“Before my father died.” You stared morosely at the counter. “I haven’t written or listened to anything since then. I — I just can’t bear to.”
“Noona,” he gasped. “That was five years ago.”
You grabbed your lighter and the joint. “Yeah. Yeah it was,” you said as you went through the French doors to the back yard.
Taehyung’s eyes ached while he rubbed his chest. “Hyung,” he started to say and then stopped. What was there really to say?
“Fuck,” Yoongi muttered. “I guess I get to be the asshole for the next four weeks, huh?”
He stood and went straight to Alton’s liquor cabinet, rifling about until he found a bottle he liked. Knowing Yoongi, it was probably a whisky.
“I can sit in with you,” Taehyung offered.
Yoongi poured himself a generous three fingers and took a sip. “Yeah, okay.”
This was not looking out to be the breezy, bonding month he’d thought it was going to be.
———
It was painfully awkward.
After hours of Yoongi gamely trying to ask you questions about what music meant to you, the artists you loved — even the stories behind your songs or how you were feeling at certain moments that stuck out to him in the screenplay — it was obvious you were unable (or unwilling) to be real with him. Yoongi was a patient man, but even he could not prevail.
“I don’t understand why this is so hard, Y/N,” Yoongi finally sighed. “We used to talk about music all the time. For hours. Don’t you remember?”
You crooked your mouth. “It was a long time ago, Yoongi.” You reached for his almost empty tumbler and slammed the remains, wincing. Taehyung sympathized.
“It’s a waste when you don’t savor it.”
“All whisky is wasted on me,” you retorted. “If we used to talk about music so much, why do you even need me right now? You know me, Yoongi. You know my music. You know what I sound like. Just do your thing.”
“Don’t you think I’ve been trying to do that all these months? I started as soon as I got signed! It’s just not hitting right. I sound like I’m trying to sound like you.”
“Then sound like yourself! It’s supposed to be music inspired by the movie, not necessarily a carbon copy of me. Who cares if it sounds like me — I don’t even know what sounds like me anymore. I don’t even know what music sounds like anymore.”
Yoongi slumped even lower on the couch in the studio. “Everyone I’ve asked for feedback from sends it back saying it’s good but not right.”
You grimaced. Taehyung hated how stilted it felt between the three of you. Later, when he thought back to the evening, he wouldn’t know what had possessed him to ask — but he was grateful for the nudge anyway.
“Why Namjoon hyung, noona?” he asked. “I always had my money on you and Yoongi hyung.”
“Yoongi?” You scoffed. “Please.”
“Oh, come now. You said I was your bias! You could barely look me in the eyes half the time we spoke.” Yoongi chuckled as he poured himself more whisky. “You were too busy checking out my ass.”
“I did not!”
Taehyung laughed. “You really did stare at hyung like you wanted to eat him. Like all the time.”
“I will not tolerate such slander!”
“It was particularly funny since hyung was crazy about you.” Taehyung slid his eyes to Yoongi and held in a smirk. “He’s the reason our A&R team invited you backstage at our Taipei concert — and how Bang PD knew to buy out your contract.”
“What?” you cried as Yoongi sputtered, “There’s no need to go into detail about it. It’s been over a decade!”
“Hyung used to spam us with links to your content all the time. He made us all buy your albums and stream when you had comebacks.” Taehyung was enjoying Yoongi’s flushed face too much for his own good. “Come to think of it, both he and Jin hyung were obsessed with you.”
You sat up, the light finally back in your eyes. “How come no one ever told me?”
“Namjoon hyung probably liked the fact you were terrified of Yoongi. It worked out to his advantage, right?”
“He actually suggested I fuck Yoongi first,” you revealed. “Said Yoongi would be the perfect fuck buddy.”
“Did he really?” exclaimed Taehyung. “And you passed? So interesting!”
Yoongi scowled. “Even if Y/N had decided she’d want to fuck me, it doesn’t mean I would have reciprocated.”
“Oh, that’s hilarious, hyung,” Taehyung said. And then, because he really was curious, he asked again. “If hyung told you to go for Yoongi hyung first, how did you end up with him? What was it about Namjoon hyung that made you choose him?”
“Honestly?” Your eyes misted over in memory. “I think it’s just because he offered.”
Taehyung and Yoongi both tried to cover their laughter with coughs. “He offered?” stammered Taehyung as Yoongi couldn’t hold it in anymore and doubled over. “That’s it?”
You shrugged. “He was hot. He was willing. I trusted him and he offered. End of story.”
“That lucky fuck,” cackled Yoongi. “I am never letting him live this down!”
“Wait — seriously? You’re telling me if any of us had offered, you could have ended up with one of us instead?” questioned Taehyung. Jungkook was going to cry when he told him.
“What? No — that’s not what I said at all!”
“Oh, come on! We were hot, willing, and you trusted us, right?” insisted Taehyung.
“I mean, yes?” You hesitated. “But also, you weren’t quite hot at the time?”
Taehyung could not believe what he was hearing. “What?”
“I mean, like, yeah. You’re out-of-this-world good-looking now, but back then — when you debuted especially — you and Jungkook were kinda funny looking.”
“Are you drunk or high still?” accused Taehyung.
“I’m not saying you two were ugly — just that you had yet to grow into your features,” you insisted. “Whoever scouted you should be given multiple raises because look how hot you and Kookie turned out. Like, no credit needed for scouting Jin oppa because he was always beautiful. But Kook grew into his nose and you — well, you improved.”
“I can’t decide if I’m being insulted.”
Yoongi had not ceased cracking up. Finally, he choked out, “Oh, you’re definitely being insulted.”
Taehyung glowered. He wasn’t a vain person — but he also owned a mirror. He knew he was objectively attractive — and not just regular attractive. He was super star attractive. It was his actual job to capitalize on his looks and talents — and he was exceedingly good at his job.
You were clearly mistaken.
“Taehyungie, you obviously grew out of it. Some people never do. Look at poor Yoongi.”
To his credit, Yoongi barely acknowledged the dig. Easy for him — it had always been obvious how much you lusted after the man.
“Okay, now I know you’re full of shit,” Taehyung asserted. “The way you used to crumble around Yoongi hyung — fuck, aren’t your reaction videos still on YouTube?”
Your eyes widened as you suddenly realized it would be a relatively easy thing to prove you were completely sprung over Yoongi.
“Um, I don’t know?”
Taehyung pulled up YouTube on his phone. “Hyung, you think we can cast onto the TV?”
“I don’t think this is necessary,” you scrambled. “Also, it doesn’t prove anything other than I know what kind of reactions your fans love to see from me. It doesn’t have any bearing on the fact that you were definitely funny looking up through the Wings era.”
“Hurtful, noona,” he pouted.
“I’m not trying to be hurtful! I’m telling you you’re super hot now — why do you also have to be hot as a child? That’s inappropriate!”
Yoongi still hadn’t stopped laughing. He was huddled over, holding his stomach. All Taehyung could see were his hyung’s crinkled eyes and gummy smile. Taehyung felt unexpectedly fond.
Taehyung scrolled through your old reaction videos.
“I didn’t know you reacted to ‘Singularity,’” he said.
You tilted your head. “I don’t remember doing so but I guess I must have. I reacted to all your title songs and sometimes the other M/Vs when I had time.”
“This should put to rest your theory that I was funny looking.”
“It will do no such thing, Tae. This was after your man-face already came in.”
“My man-face?”
“Yes, yes. Your man-face. You know, when your jaw squares and you fill out and…” You waved your hand in the air vaguely. “You know what it is — your man-face!”
While you had been giving him the vocabulary lesson, Yoongi had figured out how to cast your “Singularity” reaction video onto the television screen. Suddenly, the three of you were confronted with your younger self grumbling at the camera.
“You were grumpy even then, noona,” quipped Taehyung.
You huffed and retorted, “Probably because I was being forced to react to my ungrateful labelmates all the time.”
Taehyung arched a brow. “Right. Forced.”
“I miss that old Big Hit intro,” you reflected. “Those little bouncy dots were so cute. The Big Hit Music intro just isn’t the same.”
Taehyung hummed his agreement as the opening chord hit.
Oh, shit, the you in the video immediately said. You squinted and leaned closer to the laptop. Is that a CGI hand? That’s really fucking cool!
“You thought it was a fake hand?” asked Yoongi incredulously.
“I was really confused, okay?” you defended. “To be fair, it does look like CGI.”
“You weren’t the only one who was confused, noona. I remember a decent number of reactors had the same reaction.”
Oh, shit! This song is sexy! you continued. Oh, it’s Tae’s hand! Dude, that finger choreo is sexy — oh, fuck! What’s with that face? Why are you making that face? Oh my god, his hand!
“How many times are you going to say the word, ‘sexy,’ Y/N?” Yoongi criticized. “I thought reactors were supposed to be more interesting than this.”
On screen, you paused the video, stared off camera, and complained to the PD in English. What is going on? Why is this video so sexy? Why does this song sound like it’s baby-making music? Is Tae old enough to be making baby-making music?
“You seem distressed,” observed Yoongi.
Taehyung snorted.
“Shut up,” you grumbled.
The three of you continued to watch you visibly devolve on screen. You let out a steady stream of Why! What? How? Taehyung? TAEHYUNG! interspersed with What are you doing with your face? You stop that! How dare you! Your fists clenched against your mouth as you hunched over the screen, wincing every few moments.
“Your vocabulary seems lacking, Y/N. I thought your Korean was better than that.”
Taehyung was definitely amused. If you wailing his name had catapulted Taehyung’s thoughts in a decidedly less friendly direction, he pretended not to notice. “Wow, they’re bleeping you out a lot. Can people even hear the track at this point?”
You cut him a hard glare. “Everyone knows that’s what the fans want. You know how it is.”
“Right.” It was too difficult for him to keep the smirk off his face and so Taehyung didn’t.
And then, right when the choreography had him dipping down low, you pushed away from the table and walked away with a loud No! Who allowed this? How is this allowed on the internet? This is illegal!
Yoongi and Taehyung could not contain their snickers.
“Still think I’m funny-looking, noona?”
“I told you! This was after your man-face already came in! Why can’t we watch my ‘Blood, Sweat and Tears’ reaction? I think I complain about your haircut the whole time!”
“Oh, look. The top comment under this is a link to your ‘Daechwita’ reaction,” Yoongi interjected. “We definitely need to watch that next.”
The horror crossing your face was almost as fantastic as your freaking out in the reaction video.
“This was the best idea,” sighed Taehyung.
“The worst!” you whined as you tried to get up and leave.
“The best,” grinned Yoongi as he pulled you back down and wrapped you in a hug. “The absolute best.”
From your lack of squirming away, Taehyung could tell you agreed.
———
Taehyung woke up with a groan. His neck hurt and his entire spine felt like it was crunched into awkward angles. In the background, the television was playing some arbitrary reaction video on mute. When he looked over at the couch, you and Yoongi were slumped to the side with you curled under the crook of the older man’s arm.
The two of you looked so cute together, he thought affectionately. It seemed to make perfect sense if you ended up a couple — as long as Namjoon was okay with it.
He didn’t know why his mind kept trying to pair you with his members. You had shown no sign of wanting to be in a relationship — his members or otherwise. Maybe it was the new knowledge from last night of just how amenable you would have been to any of them — and that Namjoon had simply been in the right place at the right time.
Poor Namjoon.
Except the more Taehyung thought about it, though the genesis of your relationship had been proximity and ease, by the end, you and Namjoon were wild for each other. The way you’d been in Namjoon’s pocket despite being a rather prickly sort — you had clearly fallen head over heels in love by then. It’s what had made your sudden disappearance all the more surprising and painful.
He reminded himself to find out what exactly made you love Namjoon — for research, of course.
Taehyung stumbled off to the bathroom to relieve himself and wondered if he should wake you and Yoongi up. He decided that it wasn’t worth the years of his life you’d take off and chose instead to return to the main house and shower.
After he felt human again, he made himself a quick egg scramble and scarfed it down directly over the pan.
“You didn’t make any for us?” Your scratchy voice startled him.
“Didn’t want it to get cold,” Taehyung replied easily. It was a lie, but who would it hurt, really?
“Liar,” you scolded. You blearily pulled up a stool to the kitchen island and stared blankly at him. “It’s like old times, isn’t it?” you said softly.
“What is?” he asked as he slid you a mug of hot water and a container of loose leaf tea.
“This,” you replied, gesturing at him. “Reminds me of all the times I slept over at your place — except I suppose there were always more of you guys underfoot making noise somewhere.”
“If I recall, you made a decent amount of noise, too.”
You flushed. “Like Joon and I were the only ones fucking in that place.”
“Point taken,” Taehyung sniggered. And then, as if picking up the thread of his earlier thoughts, he asked, “When did it change to something more with him? What made you love him?”
You were quiet for several long beats. “He’s easy to love, Taehyung. He was just so big — not like that, you pervert — and so floppy.”
“Floppy? Are you sure we’re not talking about —”
“Like a big dumb golden retriever.” You smiled wistfully and sipped your tea. “Joonie was just so — is so — earnest. He said the softest, most beautiful words, Taehyung. Who could hold out against such an onslaught?”
“Do you ever want to get back together with him?”
Taehyung knew he was overstepping, but he could not help himself. He told himself it was research for the film, but even he sensed it was not the full truth.
You shook your head regretfully. “No.”
“No?” he prodded gently. “Isn’t he still very much the same?”
You chuckled. “Well, first of all, he fucked the brains out of my friend, Mirae.”
Taehyung choked a bit. “You’re okay with this? He told you this?”
“Oh my god, no! Mirae texted me saying that he’d fucked her stupid — which means something because she’s brilliant.”
“That wasn’t weird?”
“That’s the thing, Tae. It wasn’t weird at all.” You reached over and scooped up some of his egg scramble with your fingers. “It’s not like the movie version of us. We’re not getting back together like they wrote us in the script. That book of my life is closed and I have no intention of reopening it.”
You tucked the eggs into your mouth and sucked your fingertips, casting about for a napkin for a bit before Taehyung had the presence of mind to hand you one. He clearly needed to tug one out or something because his brain kept going to the most inappropriate places with you.
He blamed Yoongi for planting the idea of you in his mind like that.
“And second,” you continued, blissfully unaware of the detour his inner monologue had taken, “the balance of power would be too skewed.”
“What do you mean?” Taehyung forced his traitorous thoughts back in line.
“I would feel like I owed him — that he was doing me a favor by being with me again. That I would never be good enough for him.” You shuddered. “I hate owing people — and I always repay my debts.”
Taehyung had a flash of understanding. “Is that why you and Alton never…?”
Your face clouded over. “I would lose myself with him,” you murmured. “How could I ever feel like I had any right to anything? I literally owe him my life. I owe him everything.”
“Alton and Namjoon don’t seem like the type to use your past against you, noona,” Taehyung said softly. “They would never.”
Your lip curled in a sardonic smile. “People always say they would never until they do, Taehyung.” You held up a hand to forestall any comments he wanted to make. “Not on purpose — or at least not consciously. But how could it not always be in the undercurrent? How could it not always be there: unspoken but so loud nevertheless?”
Taehyung’s heart twanged as it often did around you. It continued to baffle him that he’d signed onto this project except somehow, deep inside, he knew he wanted your story done right. He wanted to handle you gently. Reverently. He did not trust anyone else to do so.
He did not know what that meant except that you were precious to him. You were precious to all his bandmates, really. How he wished that you could internalize their love for you.
“Why did you agree to do the music if it hurts you so much, noona?”
You flicked your dark eyes to his. “Everything always hurts, Taehyung. What’s one more?”
You slid off the stool and paused as if conflicted.
“My father was my first love, you know. He was like the sun: so bright.” Your tongue slipped out and wet your lips. “He loved music and performing and sometimes, I wonder what he would have been like if he’d had the option to pursue those talents instead of making himself into what others expected.”
You blinked rapidly and Taehyung followed a tear as it curved down the slope of your cheekbones.
“I painted him as a monster, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I was unfair. He wasn’t a monster; he was just a man.” You swiped at your face. “I wanted him to love me so much that I thought if I pursued the things he loved — if I made myself into what he wanted — that he would stay. That he would find me and my brother enough. That he would choose us instead of some woman or new get-rich-quick scheme.”
Taehyung wanted to stop you — to tell you that you didn’t have to share if it hurt too much — except he was frozen.
“Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with music and performing, too.” You chanced a glance at him. “Don’t you see, Tae? My father is the reason I love music. He is the reason I have what I have — and when he needed me, I abandoned him. I let him die,” you whispered, “and when he died, all the music in me died, too.”
Taehyung’s chest cracked wide open.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Translation notes:
1) 恰似你的溫柔 (qiàsì nǐ de wēnróu): just like your tenderness 2) 閣愛妳一擺 (gé ài nǐ yī bǎi): love you one more time
