#ive been trying

So, I don’t think I’ve ever written a full vent post on tumblr before, but I think I’ll have to get it down somewhere. I think my housemates would object if I started screaming with rage and grief, which is the alternative. Do skip if you like. Wouldn’t mind a hug though.

My grandfather died in October. My dad wasn’t able to get out of the country to sort out his estate until now, but I think it was as far back as November that I asked my dad to bring back one of my grandfather’s sweaters for me. I wanted to be able to smell him. That was the only thing I requested.

Fwiw, I made it as simple as possible—I picked out the brown sweater from photos and shared them so it’d be easy to identify. It was the one my grandfather was wearing the last time I saw him in person, back in 2018. Today, Dad texted me from the old house, with some sweaters laid out for me to choose, not including the brown one. He had narrowed it down to the ones he thought I’d like to wear, and put one on to model it for me.

I explained I wanted it for other reasons, and could I please have the brown one, but if now one else was taking the sweaters, I wouldn’t mind also having the one he’d modelled, but for both “preferably left unworn, for smell reasons.” Texted a few hearts, and went off to my therapy session.

Dad just texted a picture of himself to the family group chat, happy about two things: a stray cat has come and nuzzled itself all over him, and he’s enjoying smoking a joint from my uncle. He’s wearing the brown sweater. 

Daily #2,495! When you take forever to make friends and then had over a year to think about how much you wish you had someone to just come hang out on your couch for a few hours.