#journal

you should get suspicious if you notice that you feel constant guilt about this person. it’s highly likely that this person is manipulating you.

The Espresso is in the Details

Race Street Coffee

07.13.’21

Espresso. Expanding to adding barometric pressure on my coffee journals. What else should I document?

July 31st was quite a whirlwind of a day for me.

No school for the day, I woke up early  to register for the coming local SK election this October. Done submitting my requirements by 11:30 am, I head to a campus ministry that I volunteered to help organize. The meeting place for the leaders was supposed to be at the school gate. But as fine the day as it was going, it started to rain, hard. Just great. Past the street was a public library with an enormous waiting shed, so I decided to take shelter there for a while as I wait for my fellow leaders. 

Three minutes past, an elderly woman approached me. Her hair was white and she was in her casual clothes—the way grandmas typically dress—and was carrying with her a red umbrella and a pouch. She told me that she was from Parañaque which is three cities away from here in Manila. She asked if I could help, told me that even a small amount of money would suffice. I felt desperation in her trembling voice, and in her eyes I saw a hint of forming tears.

Growing up in a city of rising delinquency and criminality, I inherited its mindset of keeping your guard up. So I told her that I don’t have money to give her and that I can’t help her then. And the broken-hearted lady walked slowly away to another man who turned her down before she even finished pleading.

It took me a moment to sit down the bench and tell her that I can’t help her, to realize that, fifteen seconds ago, in front of me was a soul crying for help in the midst of a jungle of passers-by. 

God called us to do the impossible. I remembered that truth and my heart broke. Enough play-safe. I don’t want to live like I don’t care, anymore. I refuse to just sit around and wait for someone else.

I went after the old lady and asked for her name and how she got lost. Her name is Emily and she said she was headed to his son in Paranaque but don’t have the money to pay the bus. I told her I was being honest earlier when I said that I can’t help her with money but she told me that it’s okay. She said she knew that if I really could, I would have helped an old woman like her.

There is a nearby police station so I volunteered to take her there. She told me that she’s been there already and unfortunately couldn’t to contact his son whose phone number she don’t know. She said that she’d just ask help from the nearby church, thanked me and continued on her way.

I couldn’t help but pity the elderly because of the tragic circumstances surrounding her by then. No money. No contact to home. Lost her way. No one to ask help from. All adding up to prohibit her from going home.

All that I could offer her that moment was an honest prayer. I told her that and what she replied touched my heart more than she would ever know. Crying, she said, “Oo, anak, tulungan mo na lang ako sa dasal. Tutulungan Niya ako, ni Lord. (Yes, son, just help me in prayer. God will help me, He will.)” And walked off.

If I’m a different person as I am now; If I embody the mindset of majority of the people in this country, I would have been convinced right away that this was just an elaborate act organized by syndicates to extort strangers of their money. But thank God I’m not most people now.

I saw tears in that woman’s eyes and I believed.

Though it is a shame that it took a tear to satisfy myself that Emily was indeed speaking the truth. It was because of the popular state of mind of people. 

We put up walls against one another to avoid being taken advantage of. 

We turn down those in need, because we’re selfish. 

We don’t help unless the favor is sure to return. 

We care not about the elderly as if they could protect themselves.

We are lost. So much more lost compared to how lost Emily was.

We have to change this kind of thinking; we’re born for more than this.  Of course, change is possible. But in changing themselves, people can be as successful as finding a needle in a haystack.

“Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God—what is good and is pleasing to Him and is perfect,” says Romans 12:2.

God can change you in an instant. And it’s a kind of change that is genuine and lasting. That’s a proven fact evident all through out the Bible. All you have to do—is let Him.

When I got home, I still felt the pang of sympathy for Emily. I prayed for her and I know God has good plans brewing. He used her to bless me with lessons that I wouldn’t normally find by reading. Best of all, He used her to let passion and compassion burn in me. Passion to help this lost generation encounter God, so never again will another helpless, lost Emily walk the roads of this nation.

Have you ever discovered a certain truth, then lived your life trying to push it aside? Something you avoided so much, that you began to live in lies and denial?

Early this year, I was bombarded with sudden turns of events in school and at home that left me almost destructed. During those times, I was weak in prayer and I rarely open the bible thinking that I’m still okay. I should’ve thought again. Unthinkingly, my coping mechanism kicked in. And, in shutting myself from acknowledging God’s existence, I thought I found my long-awaited solace.

Then I thought felt freedom.

I deliberately shut down any communication from church, then joined Tumblr blogging about shallow things (you can read my previous posts and see). I hid the bible all those time as I read books like The Maze Runner, Heroes of Olympus, The Hunger Gamesand lots of other make-believe novels. I started listening to popular hits even with all their empty words. It was as if the work that God started in me when I accepted Jesus two years ago was suddenly wiped clean.

Then there was emptiness.

I started to feel like an automaton merely existing from day to day. Even the line that Shakespeare wrote about how our lives might end up, “an idiot’s tale, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing,” was almost true to me by then. Purposeless and oblivious, I was, to the fact that once upon a time there used to be Someone whom I found my worth in, who came that I may live life to the fullest. I used to belong somewhere. And all that, I shunned just because of my petty problems and mistakes. Sin has made me blind. I threw away a chance of living a life fulfilled.

Then dawned realization.

It’s not too late to turn around and run to—not away from—God. As it is depicted in the story of the lost son in Luke 15:11-31, God does not turn away from us if we truly are repentant of our sins, rather, he’d even welcome us with open arms!Wow, right?

If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts. These are the sound truth from 1 John 1:8-10.

If there’s something I learned from my being led astray, it is this: Sin brings fear; but confession brings true freedom.

I had a play date on Monday, well I think you can call it a play date haha

But yes this was with a potential sir, he was charming and intelligent and even bought his little one flowers but and this is a big but, he lives 5 hours away.

I know long distance can work but when he left I couldn’t help feeling abandoned and worthless (not in the fun way either)

We had a pretty full on session for a few hours and then he just left and now I feel like shit and I don’t know if this is normal or I’m just been a pansie :/