#juyeonrk
。˚∘ ❤
❣ month 8/12: october
❣ end of a journey
another month, another beginning of the month evaluation recap. chungha was neither in high nor low spirits regarding the start of the new month. she knew what this was and how it would go. honestly she just wanted to hear what the new group evaluation would be that she be focusing on. she only had a few more months until everything was over. she thinks a few more isn’t too bad.
she’s by juyeon’s side which has grown typical for her during the heartz predebut project. this was their last time together. juyeon had featured on a previous heartz track which essentially ensured her eventual reveal as a heartz girl. with the announcement of a new subunit with a new concept and sua announced the previous month as a girl, chungha had assumed this month would be juyeon’s. it’s only right.
when the announcements start, chungha thinks she knows how it’s all going to go. but boyeon throws a curveball and it almost knocks chungha on her ass.
kim chungha was the next heartz girl.
hearing those words felt like an out of body experience. like her conscious was disconnecting from her physical body. this didn’t feel real. her eyes widen in shock. the congratulatory claps seem to muffle. all she could think about was the next girl of the month is kim chungha. did she really hear those words or is she hallucinating?
the first thing she thinks of was her first day in training: she had flown to korea two days prior to get situated with her grandmother and to get enrolled into school. the day before had been spent taking the topik exam and placement tests. she was beyond exhausted but somehow she had so much energy.
the first time walking through the halls of sm were as surreal as the moment of her being announced as a heartz girl. it felt like a dream. like a very lucid dream. she felt weightless almost as if she were drifting through the rooms from one schedule to the neck. it seemed impossible but it was real. it was very real the next day when she had to come after her first day of school. it was very real when she was struggling to make it all work.
this was real too.
almost half of her life was dedicated to this dream. she had come close once before but it seemed like there would be no opportunities anymore since leaving sm. and kt had been a nightmare of an experience. but here she was on the other side. 11 years later and this was her moment. she thought it would never come. she was close to throwing in the towel to this silly dream and yet….it happened.
boyeon and seungkwan keep talking about evaluations this month, giving everyone the usual rundown. chungha wasn’t listening but she could make a guess based off what she knew already. they also handed her her schedule for solo prep. she was going to have a solo.
when she fully zoned back in she realised she was crying. she had been this entire time. boyeon and seungkwan were on their way out. the packet in her hand was trembling. “oh my god,” she whispered. only juyeon could hear, surely, but the sentiment was already readable on her expression anyhow.
fuck– she couldn’t believe it. it was happening. it was really happening.
chungha felt like she could die right then and still feel as though it was a life fulfilled.
。˚∘ the way your heart goes ;
juyeonrk:
juyeon feels like an absolutefool for reacting the way she did. her timing couldn’t of been worse, nor her reply. if juyeon was in chungha’s shoes, she too would be immensely uncomfortable, and probably on the brink of tears. she hopes her apology is enough to make up for any harm done. she laughs quietly, more awkwardly than anything, brushing at her bangs with her fingers. juyeon was tempted to open herself up to chungha, more than ever; to reveal a part of herself that even she barely knew. she feels the words well in her throat, edging to the tip of her tongue but she couldn’tverbalize a secret she had locked away, deep in her heart for years upon years.
her fingertipstremble as she types out the words. juyeon had been in this situation countless of times, writing out messages to those she holds close only to backspace every single word until she was staring at nothing but a blank screen. keeping this secret wasn’t detrimental. but it also was, and maybe … just maybe, opening up to chungha, someone like her, juyeon might just feel something. it might be validating to have someone know who shetruly is, someone that isn’t her girlfriend and isn’t her diary or even her ferrets ( who are actually excellent secret keepers ).
juyeon’s brows furrow, watching chungha’s face intently, desperate to read her reaction to the text written on the screen between them. anything at all. am i the first one to know? she takes in a deep, shaky breath. her lip quivers. juyeon nods slowly. “yeah … well, sort of!” she mumbles. juyeon doesn’t want to out her girlfriend to chungha either, it’s not her place to. and even though she trusted chungha with every fibre of her being, it wasn’t right. chungha reaches out towards juyeon, embracing her with a shrill of what juyeon could only imagine to be excitement. juyeon finds herself on the brinkof beaming, and maybe also crying. she instinctively wraps her arms around chungha and closes her eyes for a moment. she feels … safe.
“really?” juyeon asks in surprise. juyeon neverfelt like she had to keep her identity in check. she was just, alwaysher. she’s surprised no one caught on earlier.
even if chungha wasn’t the first to know, it felt special all the same. telling anyone something like this was such an important moment. chungha didn’t care if she was the first, fifth or the last person to know; it was the fact that juyeon felt the same level of trust to tell her such an important thing. this wasn’t a tiny secret. not in the entertainment industry. it made her feel so good.
“it doesn’t matter if i am or not,” chungha says, smiling so wide her cheeks hurt. she brushed juyeon’s hair back. “thank you for trusting me.” it’s nice to have people to trust and disclose something important to. it makes you feel less alone. it makes the burden lesser to bear. it was nice to know there was someone she had that she could utterly gush about her girlfriend and not feel weird about it or have to hide her girlfriend’s gender the entire time.
it was so satisfying. chungha felt so happy. it felt like a new chapter for her and juyeon’s friendship. she was excited to see it develop and flourish. she had to laugh at juyeon’s surprise. maybe juyeon felt a little more obviously gay than chungha initially thought. “yeah! i mean, i think the heartz project helped keep you under the radar.” everyone in heartz was kind, open with one another and supportive. although they seem to be growing closer, she’s not sure who would be accepting or not with such a topic. chungha would rather not take the chance either.
“thank you. i’m so happy i told you.” chungha says with a sigh, resting her head on juyeon’s shoulder. “if you ever ….you know, find someone, i’ll be willing to hear all the details. no matter how embarrassing.” she presses a kiss to juyeon’s shoulder before resting her head once again. “i’ll always be on your side.”
“i’m going to miss you.”
she says it randomly one day as they walk the halls. it’s always been on chungha’s mind but when the heartz project finally concludes, she’ll miss a lot fo them. but she would miss her time with juyeon most of all.
juyeon hadn’t been revealed yet but it had already been implied that she has a guaranteed role in the group. it was only a matter of time until they told juyeon she was the girl of the month and soon she too will be busy with preparations. it seems like everyone around her was getting picked and soon chungha won’t have any of her close friends remaining with her. which isn’t an entirely bad thing. that would mean all of her friends made it to debut.
“soon you’re going to be too busy for me then we can never hang out,” chungha says dramatically. she smiles at juyeon though. it’s not all bad. she wraps her arm around the younger’s. “but it’s okay. i’m good at waiting. i’ll even be your number one fan.”
juyeonrk:
。˚∘ the way your heart goes ;
for a little while, at least in juyeon’s head, the world stops. stands still, it pauses. juyeon in midst of her moment is still rattled with disbelief and she a little bad about it. juyeon tries to put herself in chungha’s shoes, just what must chungha feel right now, watching juyeon have a breakdown in front of her? juyeon could be thinking anything. but it’s hard for her to verbalize just what she is thinking, even if it’s a mass of positivity and excitement. it’s wonderful that chungha has found a special somebody who she can really bewith. but it’s even more wonderful that … it’s a girl. juyeon had gotten so used to everything being so straight and so boy and girl. she loved dramas but opted out half the time because the plot lines were boring. she favoured her yuri manga and animes because it gave her a semblance of her being normal for once.
juyeon has known for a long time. but it’s alwaysbeen her secret, her thing she keeps to herself. but a secret like this, sharing something like this with someone like you … that was something. juyeon finally manages to snapback to reality, taking in a deep breath. she looks across to chungha, her expression saddens juyeon a little. she looks nervous. fuck.bad juyeon,bad. it’s what chungha says next that really makes juyeon want to smack herself upside the head. is that okay? do you think i’m weird for it? her wanting to come out to chungha, the words sit there in the back of her throat, edging to the tip of her tongue. she wantsto say it.
she has to alleviate the awkwardness and say something. she can’t just sitthere and hope that this feeling goes away. “i’m sorry for reacting the way … the way i did, unnie.” she says softly with a nervous sigh. “it’s just … i’venevermet … i’ve never met anyone who uh …” juyeon stops, biting her lip. juyeon pulls out her own phone, pulling up her notes tab where she quickly writes somethingout before holding her phone to her chest. she can feel her heart racing under her phone. nerves. “what i mean to say, unnie is that … it’s okay. and you’re not weird.” juyeon says with a smile, reaching out to hold one of chungha’s hands with one of her free ones, the otherstill holding her phone to her chest. “because if you are …then … i am, too.” she holds out her phone in front of her so chungha can read the screen. her hand trembles a little. typed out is a simple, basic sentence. words juyeoncan’treally say aloud right now.
i’m gay :-)
it takes a lot in her to remain calm. although her heart was hammering in her chest, thumping loudly in her ears, chungha willed herself to stay rooted in her spot next to juyeon. her friend. if this went sideways chungha would do what she did last time: deny, deny, deny. it was all she could do. she’d upload all evidence to her icloud and restore her phone to factory defaults. despite her fight or flight (mostly flight) response was being triggered, she knew that she logically had a way around all of this. she (and meiqi) would be okay if worst comes to worst.
though she’s not sure how well she would recover losing a friendship with juyeon. covering her ass in the company was one thing but having her heart ripped out from a crumbling friendship was a something else she wasn’t prepared for.
tears are a few seconds from springing in her eyes before juyeon finally says something and alleviates chungha from the myriad of thoughts that plagued her. the stupid thoughts that hissed insults at her for trusting such a heavy secret with someone who clearly wasn’t okay with it. it was as if juyeon’s apology absolved her of all insecurities immediately. for that, she was thankful. chungha chokes out a small laugh, leaning on the other just a bit. “it’s okay, i get why you would react that way.” it’s shocking for anyone to learn. chungha is sure that sometimes she comes off painfully straight (somehow) so this could blindside anyone unsuspecting.
“thank you,” chungha whispers, slipping her fingers between juyeon’s when she reaches out to her. she eyed the way the younger had written on her phone. and maybe chungha figured juyeon was going to drop a bomb of her own. she was quickly reading juyeon’s initial shock as something else. her brain was too slow to make any valid connection though. she was just happy that juyeon didn’t think she was weird….
because …… i am, too.
chungha’s eyes immediately snapped to juyeon. if there was one thing chungha felt she was good at, it was finding the non-straight ones. yet she supposes the debut project had taken up a majority of their lives and their topics of conversation. chungha never even got the feeling from juyeon.
her eyes drop to the phone once juyeon finally angles it for her to see. the message is simple and short but it means so much. juyeon’s behaviour and reaction finally made sense. it all fit together. “am i the first one to know?” she asks, eyes still bouncing between the two words. juyeon was nervous because she identified similarly. it meant so much to her in that moment.
she lets go of juyeon’s hand, wrapping her arms around juyeon with a small squeal. “i’m so happy!” it felt good. validating. even knowing someone else in the same predicament as she meant the world to her. (as much as she loved chris with her entire heart it’s not as if he could understand how she felt when it came to her girlfriend.) “i can’t believe i never knew. you keep it together so well, juyeonnie.”
be kind.
juyeonrk:
juyeon only hopesshe vibes with her solo song. luda was right. she couldn’t imagine being given a song that she hated. it would be hard to debut with a song that doesn’t feel like yours. after all, people liked authenticity. not liking something, not vibing with it, not connecting with it would be a dead giveaway. juyeon sometimes likes to imagine what her solo might actually sound like. she hopes it’s cool, maybe a little more boyish than feminine. she doesn’t want to get her hopes up orvisualize it too much. just in case of it being polar opposite to what she visions. but still, she knows she would begrateful for whatever she was given. after all, it would behers.
the casting call, asking for girl crush had juyeon on the edge of her seat. girl crush was more her thing than pure and sweet. it has her a little hopeful for the future of the group. maybe she really would have a place in heartz, somewhere. “i can’t believe we’re at this point already! it feels like we all just started practicing our first evaluation.” juyeon exclaims, resting her head atop of a fist. she sighs. “but hearing they want girls who can do girl crush has me feeling a little betterabout this in the long run.” she adds with a smile.knowing sphere, they would end up surprising not only the girls, but fans and everyone else inbetween.
there probably was a method to their picks, but juyeonhadn’tthe brain power to connect their dots. to her, the picks were random and left her on the edge of her seat. it was funthat way, but also a little stressful, especially since her future was on the line. “yeah,maybe!” juyeon shrugs. “i mean, at least we’re not heavily criticized at the end of every eval, right?” most evaluations, at the end of them at least, were usually met with some form of criticism. juyeon was used to biting her tongue and trying not to jump orstumble at the slightest bit of tension, even if it wasn’t at her. “i think that’s why it’s hard to see what comes next. well, at least that’s how it is for me.”
Indeed it felt like they’d just started practising together a couple weeks ago, but here they were. Changing images, she thought, could both make or break the group, people either liking all the different styles or being disappointed that they strayed from what one liked. Personally, she liked changes like these, finding them much more interesting.
“I’m sure hoping for the best,” she said, careful not to say anything that could potentially give the other too much hope, as nothing was really certain when it came to the debuts. If at least twelve girls had been chosen first, it would only be a matter of who getting which solo, but like this… who knew. “I hope they can see in you what I see,” she smiled.
“It’s always more than enough criticism though,” she made a face. Of course, criticism was important to improve, but as a rather sensitive person, it wasn’t easy for her to deal with, sometimes having kept her up at night, though this didn’t only count for Sphere, but in general.
“I can’t tell at all either. Do they criticise those most, that already have been chosen or who they are considering? Or are they simply criticising most where most is due?” Looking behind the scenes really would be interesting, though she also felt as though there were many things she didn’t really want to know.
see the light.
juyeonrk:
juyeon throws the younger female a thumbs up, accompanied by a wide smile. “i sure am!” she chimes. juyeon had never been one for honorifics, even though she was always really adamant about being respectfultowards her superiors. even she got caught up on being polite at times when with her seniors. jace from convex always called her out on it. juyeon just felt like it made situations more comfortable if everyone was on a first name basis. it alsomade juyeon feel less nauseous, after all; hearing sunbaeconstantly made juyeon feel like she had to play a role of sorts. unnie or noona however, was becoming second nature. she wanted to be sisterly towards the younger trainees at sphere. and if she couldn’t be that, then she just wanted to be herself, to be juyeon.
sphere, well at least to juyeon, gave off warm and welcoming vibes. juyeon had found it relatively easy to adjust when she became anew trainee. inviting environments were the best type. juyeon hums, listening to mina intently, hands tucked in the back pockets of her denim shorts. she totally understood where she was coming from. if you’re not ofthis world, it can be veryoverwhelming. she smiles. “that’s really exciting to hear! evaluations are really fun, tough but fun! we always get to do somethingneweach month too.” juyeon chimes. she felt somewhat like a spokesperson, a very enthusiastic spokesperson. she hopes mina doesn’t find her tooweird.
when mina says it back to juyeon, reality sort of sets in. three years. wow. she hadn’t done a lot in her three years but her three years of hard work werepaying off thanks to this debut project. juyeon shrugs. “ah! i guess so … it went so fast.” she mutters. juyeon feels a teensy bit better knowing mina already knew people at sphere. that definitelywas going to make her time here a lot easier, maybe a little challenging too. “it was obviously meant to be!” juyeon says, giving a little clap. “aw! you’retoo sweet! i really hope we get to seemore of eachother, mina. i think you’re gonna do reallywell here.”
it was almost funny how mina could already feel herself getting comfortable with the other girl. her personality made it easy for her to talk to as well as calm her nerves. sure, there was stillthat intimidation factor that came with her being her senior. but even if so, she didn’t feel too scared talking to the other right now. the fact that juyeon didn’t really mind dropping the honorifics for this interaction was only bonusto that feeling. (but even still, mina decides to be respectful to her anyways. she didn’t want to set too bad of an impression on any of the coaches who could be around.)
mina listens to her as juyeon explains about her thoughts on evaluations and she nods in agreement to all she says. of course, since mina was new to everything, evals were definitely moredifficult than she thought they’d be. but, she was still confident about how this month’s evaluation would go. not only was it her first, but her brother was helping her out with it, too. the perks of already having someone closeto you in this company. “that definitely sounds more exciting, now that you mention you guys do something different every month!” she says with a smile. on the topic of evaluations and other trainees, she couldn’t help but come up with a question. surely juyeon would be able to understand what she would want to ask about, considering the fact that she’s been here for three years, much longer than mina’s… three weeks(?).
but before she can ask, juyeon speaks up and she finds herself responding to the other’s comments first. “oh! thank you so much,” she answers with a laugh. “i hope i do! hopefully well enough so that i can stay in the same company for a while.” it would definitely be somethingif she managed to debut with juyeon, let alone with all her other friends that she had run into here… which reminds her to ask the question. “actually, on the topic of evaluations and stuff… are you perhaps in the heartz project?” she asks curiously. “i just wanted to ask because i know like… two girls who are apart of it and they briefly talked about it to me?” she shrugs. “i don’t know. they didn’t really go much into it, so i can assume it’s kind of complicated compared to being a regular trainee.” she laughs lightly… hopefully not making this situation any awkward than it was before.
see the light.
juyeonrk:
juyeon can onlyjustremember her beginnings at sphere. it felt like forever ago, and perhaps it was. three years had gone by so quickly. it felt like only yesterday she was attending her first lesson as a sphere trainee and now here she was, in the midst of a debut project. parts of her journey had taken a good while. other parts felt like someone had accidentally pressed the fast forward button and jammed it. juyeon remembers when she was the newcomer and her seniors were welcoming her ( … the days of the sphere hazing, they don’t do that anymore ). and now here she was, as the senior, introducing herself to her juniors. it’s enough of a reminder to juyeon that she’s actually come some way from where she started out.
the girl introduces herself to juyeon as mina. juyeon smiles, happy that she’s able to put a name to a face. the girl bows her head and catches juyeon off guard with sunbae-nim. “it’s nice to meet you too, mina!” she bows her head in response also, mirroring the younger female ( she had to be in high school … ) “and please, call me juyeon. or unnie, i don’t mind!” juyeon adds with a shrug. mina really wasa newcomer, explaining that she had only just been cast this month. it all must be so new and exciting to her, juyeon hope’s that things haven’t been tootough for her.
“oh, congratulations! how’re you finding it all?” juyeon asks curiously, eager to move into an actual conversation that wasn’t awkward dialogue. “sphere’s a really great company, i’ve been here for three years and i’ve loved every minute of it.”
even if she knew that she was guaranteed to meet more people in the entertainment, she couldn’t help but still feel a little reservedsimply from the fact that she didn’t really know anyone but maybe… fivepeople here. there was obviously more people at sphere that she had yet to meet and introduce herself to, some that could possibly become an amazing friend for the future. but mina’s still timidwhen it comes. to meeting people and she thought her job at retail would chang something about that. perhaps it was just her customer service mask.
“ah, are you sure?” she asks for clarification on the honorifics. mina didn’t want to straight up say juyeon, given the fact she didn’t know how old the other was (though she could guess the other was older than her). and she didn’t exactly want to get into trouble for not respecting her seniors, either. so instead, she goes with the safe choice. “okay, unnie. as long as you’re okay with that.”
but she’s thankful that juyeon is friendly with her! she has a good feeling about the people at sphere. after all, she had friends to support her along the way and though she didn’t know juyeon that well, she felt as if she could say the same for her. her response to everything mina says feels warmin a way. welcoming,but almost in a familiar way as if they were friends. and it made mina feel good.“to be honest, it’s kind of… overwhelming?” she responds with a laugh. “but in a good way, i mean. i’m just very excited about being casted and getting to talk to do evaluations with other trainees!” as juyeon explains more about her experience at sphere, she couldn’t help but look in awe. “wow! three years? that’s amazing!” she wonders if she’ll ever be a trainee for long. as she’s thinking of the future right now, she wouldn’t mind it. but of course, she couldn’t be too sure yet. “but yeah! i actually have a few friends in sphere, so i was reallyhoping to get casted here. and i’m really glad i am! especially since i got to meet someone as nice as you!”
“fuck, sorry-“ is pretty much the only think changkyun can muster as he actually runs into someone as he turns around the corner, and even though it was him that almost flew back from the impact, he still feels bad. however, once he finally focuses on the figure it makes him blink, it doesn’t take long before he puts the face to a name.
“well well, where have you been hiding?“ the idols says, or more correctly, blurtsout before he can stop his mouth. it’s not a wrong statement really, at least in changkyun’s eyes, but you never know how someone would react to. however, there is a bright smile on his lips as he waits for juyeon to answer him.
