#lily and marshall
Hey guys, I’m hoping to get responses from the community here, to help someone. We’re seeking other people’s opinions and perspectives.
The situation… In response to a lot of arguing and the sub feeling like they weren’t being heard when they needed to be heard, a D/s couple agreed that the sub could safeword during disagreements to end the argument and to allow the sub to be heard.
Shortly after that agreement, an argument happened and the sub used the safeword, but the dom continued to defend ‘his side’ rather than end the argument or let the sub speak. How would you respond, and/or how would you recommend that this person respond to this situation?
A response sent to me via DM (and I was given the OK to share publicly).
I think that this is one of those situations where it is too easy to get distracted by the D/s portion of a “D/s relationship”, when this should be addressed more as a relationship issue. Most if not all couples will argue at some point. Some more often than others. And learning how to argue in a mature fashion is part of being an adult who is emotionally developed enough that they…. (TBC)
should be in a relationship in the first place. Lots of couples utilize a version of the argument strategy it sounds like this couple was trying to employ, where either side has the right to call “time out” when they feel that either they themselves, or their partner has gotten too emotionally heated for the argument to continue to be productive, or if they are afraid that someone will say something that they will regret later. It’s a great strategy. But just because it’s a great strategy doesn’t mean that it is an easy one. Often by the time that you realize temper are running high its really really hard to slam on the breaks. (Having typed that, I can hear someone trying to use that excuse for not stopping at the use of a safeword in a D/s context, and that just would not be cool.) But it takes practice. Hopefully the Dom acknowledges that he did not live up to the agreement they made about taking a time out during an argument, and re-commits to doing better. In time, with practice and forgiveness, I can imagine a future where this couple is arguing one minute and at the first mention of “time out” they freeze like kids playing freeze-tag, turn about and walk to separate corners to collect themselves and calm down. How long the time out lasts and how they should reproach the argument are things they should discuss ahead of time when they are not actually arguing about anything in specific.
Now I know I said that I thought this was a relationship issue and not a D/s issue and I still think that this is true. But because the couple agreed ahead of time to try to use D/s in their arguments, I think it’s worth while to address that element of it.
First off, the Dom did not stop at the use of the safeword. That is Bad! Full stop. No excuses. He has to own up to that. Regardless of whether he was right or wrong in the argument, if he agreed that when they were arguing he would recognize the safeword and stop to give his sub space, and he did not, that’s on him. He needs to own up to that.
Next I would want to know more about the dynamic of their relationship. Are they full on 24/7? where she is never not his sub? If that’s the case do they have protocols for how she is supposed to bring disagreements to his attention and how he is supposed to respond to them? If so it sounds like they might not be working and should be re-examined. OR do they some times take of their D/s hats and just exist as boyfriend and girlfriend? That would make a big difference in how they should expect the other person to behave in an argument. Without knowing more about their dynamic I hesitate to lean too heavily on this, but I am tempted to say that as much as the Dom was at fault, the sub is not blameless here either. she was not tied down, she was completely within her rights to stand up for himself, and say “I said RED LIGHT (or whatever thier safeword is). You agreed we would pause any argument when I said RED LIGHT.” And if he did not stop, it was up to her to walk away. I’m not trying to blame the victim here, but I don’t think there is a victim. From what little I know, I think most of the fault lies with him, but I also think it’s important to remember that she was never powerless either.
Anyway, those are just some off the hip thoughts I had when I saw your post. I am curious to see what else other people have to say.
When I saw @amysubmits’ post asking for help helping this couple I had a few quick off the cuff thoughts that I wanted to share, but I didn’t want to go to the time and effort to put all those thoughts together in a cohesive format for a reblog, or to add all the appropriate tags that I try to include on all of my posts, so I just messaged @amysubmits. But having done that I was really curious how things worked out for the couple and what else other people would have to say.
I was a little surprised (although in retrospect I suppose I should not have been) and a little disappointed. What I saw was a lot of people piling on about how awful the Dom was for not properly respecting the use of the safeword. And before I go any further I want to say unequivocally that a safeword should always be respected! Part of what makes BDSM work and keeps it safe for all those involved is that safewords MUST be absolutely sacred.
That said, it’s a popular trope in the online BDSM community to come down like a ton of bricks on Doms behaving badly. And up to a point that’s as it should be. Those in power must be held to a higher standard, and BDSM is all about a shift in the power balance in a relationships. But I think that a lot of people loose sight of the fact that no one does anything perfectly in the beginning. Everything takes practice, and practice means failing sometimes. Both Doms and subs will make mistakes from time to time, and that’s okay as long as they own up to it, and work to do better moving forward. If we abandon every relationship that hits a rough patch and write off every person who isn’t perfect 100% of the time then we’ll never get anywhere.
From time to time you will see people commenting on how there is a lack of good Doms out there. Part of that is because being a Dom is a hard thing to do right. Easy to do wrong, but hard to do right. But t might also be because, as a community we have very little tolerance for anything less that perfection in a Dom, and I have to think that scares off more than a few who could grow in to great Doms if they were given a little patience, and were allowed to fix their mistakes, and to grow from them.
What we should be more concerned about is not the one offs, but patterns of behavior. Okay so this Dom did not respond appropriately to the safeword. BAD. Was this the first time? Did he own up to the mistake? Or is this part of a larger pattern? Does he refuse to admit doing anything wrong?
In my original message to @amysubmits I mentioned using the strategy of couples who find themselves in an argument that is spinning out of control calling “time out” or hitting “pause”, until they’ve had a chance to calm down, and they are ready to have a more productive argument. When I mentioned it I was very much thinking of Lily and Marshall from HIMYM. https://youtu.be/h93KR6_AXu4?t=76 As silly and immature the gang from HIMYM can be a lot of the time, being able to pause an argument is really a very mature relationship tool. It’s a lot easier said than done! Some people have that kind of self control, when their emotions get worked up and they are only partially aware of what’s coming out of their mouths, to be able to shut up, close their jaw, seal their lips, walk away, and to calm down, but some people spend their entire lives working to gain that kind of self control. I’m not trying to make excuses for bad behavior, but I do think that we should be a little less glib about condemning people who are doing their best and working to be better.
Now it may be that the Dom in the original scenario is not emotionally mature enough yet to be in a BDSM type relationship, or even a long term adult relationship. Or maybe the sub is more emotionally developed than the Dom and she needs to find someone more on her level. But it’s also possible that they are the next lily and Marshall and they both have some growing to do together, and in the long run it will only bring them closer together.
Okay that ran way longer than I intended, but I hope that someone out there found it useful.
Dibujando a mis parejas favoritas
