i’ve become this soft and gentle woman. i embrace my emotions, i cry whenever i need to, i forgive myself for certain experiences and move on with love. i just love the space of being soft and gentle. this version of me is beautiful.
One of those things my Husband made me do when I started dating Him was go to a therapist. The reason He sent me to therapy was because I was not emotional enough. He wanted me to spend a lot of time talking about my feelings and focus on being softer, more vulnerable and more emotional.
After each session, we had a discussion of what we talked about and how it made me feel. Every single time He affirmed my emotions and encouraged me to be as emotional as I wanted. It helped me break any resistance to being emotional as I saw it was what He wanted from me. I am the softest, most sensitive emotional person I can be because I feel safe to be that way with him.
What a brilliant idea!
When I think of a bimbo she is a highly emotional creature. Sending her to therapy to get in better touch with her feelings, and combining that with some positive reinforcement from her Man after each session seems like a great idea.
Not only does it have the benefit of the better mental health one gets from going to therapy, but it would be a deeply bonding experience between Man and woman.
A big thank you to @bimboabby ’s Husband for the brilliant idea and to @bimboabby for sharing it. I am adding this to my list of bimbo training techniques.
The morning after a through fucking it is quite common for your bimbo to feel a certain amount of disorientation. Enjoy, but try to resist the impulse to go back for seconds thirds, as this will only prolong the disorientation.
For those of you who may be saying to yourself “But I want my bimbo ditzy and disoriented!” Just try to remind yourself that she is a bimbo after all and is most likely pretty ditzy anyway.
To make this blog a bit easier to navigate, here is a (somewhat) brief list of my writings, sorted by topic. My full set of writings can be found here, with ask responses here and brilliant writing from others here.
Chilling at home with the love of my life.I’m just reading “Separating Fact From Fiction - The Life Of A Consensual Slave In The 21st Century ” by Shannon Reilly. Certain things I don’t agree with, and things that aren’t relevant to me. Lots of talk about the “leather community ” which I don’t identify with in any way, etc. But still a decent read.
I just ordered this @his-4-life for the recommendation. I’m always looking for quality books and resources about the D/s lifestyle.
Many erotic hypnotists come from a background of stage hypnosis or writing sexy hypnosis scripts/files online. We all have to start somewhere. But it’s important to realise that doing hypnosis at a kink event is fundamentally different from doing stage hypnosis or doing online hypnosis. And even more importantly: as a presenter giving a demo at a kink event, you have a responsibility to model good consent practices, to set a good example for the attendees of the event.
Something to keep in mind when you’re introducing people to erotic hypnosis, is the reputation of hypnosis itself. The sleazy reputation of erotic hypnosis is old and well-established and let’s not pretend that academic/therapeutic hypnosis has ever been concerned with consent or the wishes of the person who is being hypnotised. The greatest names in the development of hypnotherapy and Neuro-Linguistic Programming were white men who never really considered the concept of consent. And my friends, that shit doesn’t fly in the kink world.
So here are the basics, some of which are basics in any kink demo:
Negotiate consent with your demo model. If you get a volunteer to demonstrate your skills on, negotiate what you’re going to do and what they would like to get out of the experience on the spot, in front of the audience. If you don’t want to interrupt your demo with negotiation, bring a demo model with whom you have negotiated in advance.
By taking the stage and giving a demo, you have become a role model to everyone who watches your demo, so make sure you leave a positive impression. People will judge erotic hypnosis based on what they see at your demo. If you bring a demo model with whom you have already negotiated, tell your audience that. Don’t let them get the impression that you don’t (need to) ask for consent before doing the things you demonstrate.
Every time you hypnotise a person, you are the top and they are the bottom, just like when a rigger ties someone up. You’re balancing the role of a presenter who is trying to demonstrate something to an audience, and the role of a top who is trying to show a bottom a good time. The consent and the needs of your bottom come first! Giving a good show an audience is always less important than the safety and well-being of the person standing next to you in front of that audience. You need to be checking in with your bottom, make sure you have ongoing consent during the entire demo and give them a number of options to back out of it at any time if they need it. A hypnosis scene is a lot like bondage, if they need to stop in the middle of the scene, they need your help as the top to stop everything and care for their needs.
This makes group trances difficult because you are essentially topping all of them at the same time and therefore you have to be extra careful to monitor whether they are still in a good headspace for this demo and whether they need something from you in the form of aftercare.
Yes, I said aftercare. Depending on your demo, people may need aftercare, and you, being the top, have a responsibility to make sure they’re ok, even if you are not the person providing the aftercare, because many people will prefer to take a moment by themselves or having their partner give them aftercare. So make sure you give some advice on what kind of aftercare may be appropriate or helpful to people who are new to hypnokink and may not know.
People who are new to hypnosis also may not know that a hypnotised person still has agency and the ability to safeword. They may have heard things about hypnosis as an altered state and they may have incorrect preconceptions about that and so it’s up to you to debunk the common misconceptions about hypnosis, and make everyone in the room aware that your volunteer always has the ability to make the whole thing stop. Many hypnotists pay lip-service to this idea in a disclaimer at the beginning, so I cannot stress enough how important it is to check that you have ongoing consent.
If your volunteer/bottom is new to hypnosis, they may not know that they can refuse your suggestions, or that they can speak up and voice their needs while they are in trance. And even if your chosen bottom does know, this is something you need to mention in your demo. If anyone who is being hypnotised for some reason believes that they can’t resist, because of tropes in the media and all that, they might have trouble safewording when they need it. You can’t rely on “hypnosis can’t make a person do something they don’t want”, you have to take an active role in making sure your bottom is alright and still enjoying the demo.
It may also be helpful for you to explain to your audience how to make sure you’re fully awake and no longer trancy after a scene involving hypnosis, to explain what kind of things you can do help a person shake off the effects of hypnotic trance.
In the same way, it’s important to make sure that whatever you did during the demo no longer affects them for the rest of the event. Because it would be unfortunate if you had them feel like they were being hit with a bull whip every time you clapped your hands and said “whip!” to them, and then after the demo a random person who saw the demo walks up to them and yells “whip!” and it still works. It would be a faux pas on the part of the random person, and something you might want to explain during your demo, but it’s just as easy to make sure that your suggestions stop working as soon as the demo ends.
But yeah, depending on your audience, it might be a good idea to explain to them that with hypnosis you can say a magic word and make your model/bottom feel things, but that it’s not ok for them to say those magic words to the model/bottom. That’s akin to watching someone give a flogging/whipping demo and then walking up to grab the whip and hit the demo model with that whip. As a kinky hypnotist, it’s important to realise that your words are implements of pleasure and torture, and that the audience who has never seen hypnosis in practice may not understand that yet.
Lastly, I want to make sure you understand that there are power dynamics when you are at an event giving a demo. You are a role model, an expert demonstrating a complicated and rare skill, and you are in a Dominant role most likely. These power dynamics, combined with the peer pressure from the audience, make it easier for you to convince your bottom that what you do will actually work, and make it harder for a volunteer to refuse. Be aware of the pressure your volunteers are under and give them ample room to back out of your demo if they need that.
Similarly, be aware that these power dynamics also make it harder for people to refuse your offer to play or go on a date later. Combined with the already sleazy reputation of erotic hypnosis, be very careful about perpetuating the stereotype of a hypnotist who uses their skills to get laid.
Well said and clearly explained.
Although I would never dream of doing such a demo, the advice given applies to all kink hypnosis.
Online or not, consent IS ALWAYS required.
I’ve never given a hypnosis demo event before and I am YEARS of training away from ever even thinking about doing one, although I would love to attend one if I ever heard of one happing in my area.
But as someone who enjoys hypnosis as much as I do, I felt that this was something I needed to share. Lots of excellent points made in this piece. A great headspace to be in when thinking of erotic hypnosis.
“But if you loved me you’d….” “You love me unconditionally don’t you?” “If you cared about me you’d…” “Dominants are supposed to…” “I’m a little submissive, you control me, so it’s all your fault.” “You hate me don’t you? That’s why you won’t do…” “You are such a dick, why can’t you just do something nice for me, for once.“
This is often done by “subs” who are out to use their Dominant for something, often to fulfill their kinky fantasies, and also often to get spoiled. The above phrases are often used to coerce the Dominant into buying them stuff, or participating in sexual play the Dominant is not comfortable with. Please remember you do not have to do anything you are not comfortable with, I don’t care how much tumblr says you have to eat her out or fuck her on her period, or lick his asshole, or buy her those new plushies and shoes every week, if you are honestly not comfortable with this, don’t let yourself get manipulated and talked into doing it.
2. Verbal/Emotional Abuse.
Putting their Dominants down, telling them how worthless/ugly/stupid/dumb/terrible they are, calling them names, and when you get upset you’re told that “it was just a joke.” “Don’t be so sensitive” “You’re overreacting.” “Aren’t you supposed to be the Dominant here?” “You control me so I can’t possibly do something to you you wouldn’t like.” Etc. This often goes hand in hand with manipulation and gas lighting to make the Dominant put up with this kind of abuse.
3. Physical Abuse.
Even if she’s a she, even if they’re 100 pounds and 10 feet smaller than you, if they even do as much as raise a hand at you or threaten to, you are being abused. Hell, even if it didn’t hurt, they are not supposed to hit you. At all. (obviously some couples like to play around a get a little rough and -both people enjoy it-, but I’m sure you all can tell the difference.) Again, if you say that this make you uncomfortable, they will often say things like examples already given. “I thought you were a big strong (wo)man.)” “c'mon, you should be able to take that, baby.” etc.
4. Denying you aftercare.
A lot of Dominants need aftercare too, and many don’t realize it, because for a lot of Dominants taking care of their submissive is their aftercare, but when for some reason this is impossible, Domdrop happens, and it can happen hard. Aftercare is not just for the sub, and if they don’t want aftercare but you know you do, and even after explaining will flat out refuse, it means they don’t care about your well being after an intense scene or session.
5. Refuses to give you any kind of love or affection or care.
“You’re the Dominant, you should be able to take care of yourself.” “I’m the one who deserves love here.” “You’re too big and strong to be taken care of.” “Why don’t you pay attention to me for once.” “Your problems aren’t that bad.“
Affection is so important in a relationship, if it’s something you need, don’t ever settle for someone who won’t give you those things.
6. Does not support you in hard times.
When say, a relative dies, you may not be able to be as consistent, you still want to be their Dom and they your sub (or maybe not, thats fine too), but you also need them to support you and care for you in tough times. If they tell you to suck it up and take care of THEM instead, they are again a selfish little bitch that only cares about themselves. Take care of yourself when you need to, and you deserve a sub who will take care of you too.
7. Talk bad about things that are perfectly normally in D/s but that doesn’t fit their abusive agenda.
“Serve you? What. No. I’m a little fragile sub, YOU’re supposed to get ME drinks.” “Beg? I’m too good for that. That’s disgusting, you’re supposed to please me whenever I want you to.” “No, that’s not how D/s works.”
(obviously this is different from a sub who is simply not interested in these things, it’s the phrasing and the reasons behind it.) They’ll always make everything about themselves, and when you bring up something that isn’t specially for them, they’ll guilt you and shame you. They’re only interested in themselves and keeping you under their thumb.
8. Deciding everything without negotiation or regard for your feelings.
They never want to negotiate or communicate, play can only be on their terms, them never letting you actually decide or have a say in anything.
Your feelings matter, don’t do anything you don’t want to do, don’t let yourself get talked into anything. Communication is everything in a D/s relationship.
9. They never obey you, they try to convince you D/s is all about the submissive.
There’s a difference between playful, agreed upon brattiness that’s fun for both parties, and using their Dom for their own selfish needs. This is often done by subs who want you to buy them stuff, care for them, spank them, etc, but they do not want to actually obey or serve you. They just want to use you and take advantage of you. Often times, disobedience is more of a sign of an ignorant or inexperienced sub than anything, but when it is paired with manipulation and other things, is when it crosses the line from ignorance to abuse.
10. You feel like you can’t trust them. They lie often.
Trust is everything in D/s, absolutely everything. If you can’t trust them, you can’t have a D/s relationship with them. If they lie a lot, even seemingly small, insignificant lies, it is a sign they do not respect you. Or they’ve cheated, or you’ve heard bad stories from their friends/co-workers, you’ve found suspicious things, etc. You deserve someone you can trust, not a liar.
11. Every single thing that would be abusive in a vanilla setting, or if you were their child, friend, or sub.
Every. Thing. All those other posts and guides and things online and everywhere that talk about signs of abuse? It all applies here. All of it. Don’t put up with what you wouldn’t put up with if it were any other kind of relationship. Cheating, slapping, name calling, lying, blackmailing.
There’s so many things that can be signs of abuse. In the end, you’re the only one who can say if you are in an abusive relationship or not, please take care of yourself. Run if you need to, run fast and hard, get a support system, if you need a stranger to talk to, my inbox is open for you. A relationship is about both people, even a D/s relationship. Both people deserve to be happy and have their needs met. Take care of yourself, you deserve love and care, and the submissive you deserve and dream of.
I can’t think of a better addition to Kink Awareness Month than this post raising awareness for this often overlooked issue. Dom’s are just as vulnerable to all of the issues that goes along with any relationship as vanilla people. In some ways D/s relationships avoid a lot of the issues vanilla relationships run into. Not because D/s relationships are better than vanilla relationships, but because D/s relationships often begin with, negotiations. Negotiations are a form of communication, something that ALL relationships need plenty of. But if you get lazy, or complacent, or start relying on D/s to solve all of your relationship issues, then you can run straight into the same issues that often plague vanilla relationships.
Hey guys, I’m hoping to get responses from the community here, to help someone. We’re seeking other people’s opinions and perspectives.
The situation… In response to a lot of arguing and the sub feeling like they weren’t being heard when they needed to be heard, a D/s couple agreed that the sub could safeword during disagreements to end the argument and to allow the sub to be heard.
Shortly after that agreement, an argument happened and the sub used the safeword, but the dom continued to defend ‘his side’ rather than end the argument or let the sub speak. How would you respond, and/or how would you recommend that this person respond to this situation?
A response sent to me via DM (and I was given the OK to share publicly).
I think that this is one of those situations where it is too easy to get distracted by the D/s portion of a “D/s relationship”, when this should be addressed more as a relationship issue. Most if not all couples will argue at some point. Some more often than others. And learning how to argue in a mature fashion is part of being an adult who is emotionally developed enough that they…. (TBC)
should be in a relationship in the first place. Lots of couples utilize a version of the argument strategy it sounds like this couple was trying to employ, where either side has the right to call “time out” when they feel that either they themselves, or their partner has gotten too emotionally heated for the argument to continue to be productive, or if they are afraid that someone will say something that they will regret later. It’s a great strategy. But just because it’s a great strategy doesn’t mean that it is an easy one. Often by the time that you realize temper are running high its really really hard to slam on the breaks. (Having typed that, I can hear someone trying to use that excuse for not stopping at the use of a safeword in a D/s context, and that just would not be cool.) But it takes practice. Hopefully the Dom acknowledges that he did not live up to the agreement they made about taking a time out during an argument, and re-commits to doing better. In time, with practice and forgiveness, I can imagine a future where this couple is arguing one minute and at the first mention of “time out” they freeze like kids playing freeze-tag, turn about and walk to separate corners to collect themselves and calm down. How long the time out lasts and how they should reproach the argument are things they should discuss ahead of time when they are not actually arguing about anything in specific.
Now I know I said that I thought this was a relationship issue and not a D/s issue and I still think that this is true. But because the couple agreed ahead of time to try to use D/s in their arguments, I think it’s worth while to address that element of it.
First off, the Dom did not stop at the use of the safeword. That is Bad! Full stop. No excuses. He has to own up to that. Regardless of whether he was right or wrong in the argument, if he agreed that when they were arguing he would recognize the safeword and stop to give his sub space, and he did not, that’s on him. He needs to own up to that.
Next I would want to know more about the dynamic of their relationship. Are they full on 24/7? where she is never not his sub? If that’s the case do they have protocols for how she is supposed to bring disagreements to his attention and how he is supposed to respond to them? If so it sounds like they might not be working and should be re-examined. OR do they some times take of their D/s hats and just exist as boyfriend and girlfriend? That would make a big difference in how they should expect the other person to behave in an argument. Without knowing more about their dynamic I hesitate to lean too heavily on this, but I am tempted to say that as much as the Dom was at fault, the sub is not blameless here either. she was not tied down, she was completely within her rights to stand up for himself, and say “I said RED LIGHT (or whatever thier safeword is). You agreed we would pause any argument when I said RED LIGHT.” And if he did not stop, it was up to her to walk away. I’m not trying to blame the victim here, but I don’t think there is a victim. From what little I know, I think most of the fault lies with him, but I also think it’s important to remember that she was never powerless either.
Anyway, those are just some off the hip thoughts I had when I saw your post. I am curious to see what else other people have to say.
When I saw @amysubmits’ post asking for help helping this couple I had a few quick off the cuff thoughts that I wanted to share, but I didn’t want to go to the time and effort to put all those thoughts together in a cohesive format for a reblog, or to add all the appropriate tags that I try to include on all of my posts, so I just messaged @amysubmits. But having done that I was really curious how things worked out for the couple and what else other people would have to say.
I was a little surprised (although in retrospect I suppose I should not have been) and a little disappointed. What I saw was a lot of people piling on about how awful the Dom was for not properly respecting the use of the safeword. And before I go any further I want to say unequivocally that a safeword should always be respected! Part of what makes BDSM work and keeps it safe for all those involved is that safewords MUST be absolutely sacred.
That said, it’s a popular trope in the online BDSM community to come down like a ton of bricks on Doms behaving badly. And up to a point that’s as it should be. Those in power must be held to a higher standard, and BDSM is all about a shift in the power balance in a relationships. But I think that a lot of people loose sight of the fact that no one does anything perfectly in the beginning. Everything takes practice, and practice means failing sometimes. Both Doms and subs will make mistakes from time to time, and that’s okay as long as they own up to it, and work to do better moving forward. If we abandon every relationship that hits a rough patch and write off every person who isn’t perfect 100% of the time then we’ll never get anywhere.
From time to time you will see people commenting on how there is a lack of good Doms out there. Part of that is because being a Dom is a hard thing to do right. Easy to do wrong, but hard to do right. But t might also be because, as a community we have very little tolerance for anything less that perfection in a Dom, and I have to think that scares off more than a few who could grow in to great Doms if they were given a little patience, and were allowed to fix their mistakes, and to grow from them.
What we should be more concerned about is not the one offs, but patterns of behavior. Okay so this Dom did not respond appropriately to the safeword. BAD. Was this the first time? Did he own up to the mistake? Or is this part of a larger pattern? Does he refuse to admit doing anything wrong?
In my original message to @amysubmits I mentioned using the strategy of couples who find themselves in an argument that is spinning out of control calling “time out” or hitting “pause”, until they’ve had a chance to calm down, and they are ready to have a more productive argument. When I mentioned it I was very much thinking of Lily and Marshall from HIMYM. https://youtu.be/h93KR6_AXu4?t=76 As silly and immature the gang from HIMYM can be a lot of the time, being able to pause an argument is really a very mature relationship tool. It’s a lot easier said than done! Some people have that kind of self control, when their emotions get worked up and they are only partially aware of what’s coming out of their mouths, to be able to shut up, close their jaw, seal their lips, walk away, and to calm down, but some people spend their entire lives working to gain that kind of self control. I’m not trying to make excuses for bad behavior, but I do think that we should be a little less glib about condemning people who are doing their best and working to be better.
Now it may be that the Dom in the original scenario is not emotionally mature enough yet to be in a BDSM type relationship, or even a long term adult relationship. Or maybe the sub is more emotionally developed than the Dom and she needs to find someone more on her level. But it’s also possible that they are the next lily and Marshall and they both have some growing to do together, and in the long run it will only bring them closer together.
Okay that ran way longer than I intended, but I hope that someone out there found it useful.
Submissives First In my mind, this is the only way it works. The submissive’s needs have to be managed first. Without those met, the submissive cannot let go and submit. When submissives have to devote energy to managing their needs and their Dominants’ needs and wants, it’s too much. Submissives have a tendency to put their Dominants first (and often, everyone else). So in the end, they suffer. They cannot do it all. And when they try, they wilt. Dominants must understand and work to fulfill their submissives’ needs. Or the whole hierarchy falls apart.
But submissives have responsibilities here, too. First, they need to know what they need. Not want, but need. Second, they need to communicate about their needs—to help their Dominants check the gauges and rebalance when necessary. If you don’t truly know what you need, you can’t expect your partner to know.
…But Dominants First, Too The other thing is that I don’t think submissives should see their needs as coming first. In an ideal relationship, submissives put faith in their Dominants to care for their needs, and they focus on their Dominants’ needs. If you can’t let go of putting your needs first, then you aren’t really giving up power. Communicate. Share your needs, and have meta discussions about them. Then let go. Trust. Lean in with your submission by putting your Dominant’s needs first. Focus on what they need. Let that guide you at all times. With submissive and Dominant both putting one another’s needs first, the dynamic flourishes. It deepens, and it takes you places you never knew existed.
Why Whims Why do Dominants’ whims come before submissives’ wants? Why are they on there at all? At least for me, explicitly putting my Dominant’s whims above my wants is a reminder of what it means to be owned. And I need to feel it sometimes. I need to know that my Dominant has no need to justify decisions. I plug my ass in the middle of the workday when told. I drop what I’m doing to complete a task. I deny my orgasms at the last minute. That is what it means to be owned. No other reason required. I need to know that my needs come first, but I also need to know that my desires come last. Very, very last. This is what my slave heart needs—not just in theory, but I need to see it.
For me, this is the fundamental structure of a D/s relationship. Different relationships may structure it differently. M/s will likely be different from DDlg, and the hierarchy may shift as two people build their dynamic. But the hierarchy makes a big impact on the dynamic. It’s not just the stated hierarchy; it’s the hierarchy reflected in your actions. How do your actions reflect your priorities? And does that create a dynamic where both partners can thrive?
It is rare that I find a written piece from someone else that I agree with 100%. At best, there is usually 20% to 5% that I nit pick about or have personal taste differences. But this is pretty much SPOT ON! I have nothing to add.
Personally, I am a fan of the traffic light system.
“Are you green?” ““Yes Sir. i love this so much, i am so totally green!”
or…
“Ummm… i’m yellow Sir.” (Meaning, “i like this. i don’t want to stop, but i need to slow down, or catch my breath, or this is getting close to RED let’s back it down a couple notches so that we can keep playing.”)
or…
“RED!” (Meaning all play and kink stops immediately and the physical and mental health of all participants are attended to.)
That said, this made me laugh, AND it really appreciate the thinking behind it.
I had a conversation with a cop last night about how they perceive BDSM practices and what you should do if the cops come calling at your door because a neighbor has complained about ‘Loud Noises’ coming from your home. Here is what he told me:
If a cop comes to your door from a noise complaint, and you are in the middle of a BDSM scene, the first thing you need to understand is what the cops are going to be looking for and what kind of action they may take on questioning you. Be HONEST with the cops, tell them that you are engaged in sexual activity and that it is consensual. Both partners should be talking directly to the cop, but if the cop notices the female looking towards her partner before answering questions, this would be taken as a red flag and a sign of potential abuse. So you must break all of your D/s expectations during this conversation. Some Dominants may have rules for their submissive about talking to other men, making eye contact with other men etc… But when dealing with the police at your door, these rules need to be suspended. You should acting like any other vanilla couple that are simply engaging in some kinky sexual practices.
The Cops will most likely separate both partners for questioning, asking what is going on, but paying special attention to the female partner, asking her questions such as; are you here against your will? Are you being hurt? Do you wish to leave? The female needs to make it clear that they are NOT being hurt and are simply taking part in adult sexual activity that IS consensual. They may also ask to come in and have a look around to satisfy themselves that all is well. So be prepared to discretely conceal any whips, floggers, knives etc before opening the door. Providing that the accounts of what is going on they get from both partners match, then the cops will most likely just ask you to keep the noise levels down and be out of your hair quickly. They have much more pressing issues to deal with than interrupting two consenting adults from enjoying themselves in the privacy of their own home.
When I asked the Cop about what would happen if the couple were participating in edge play such as blood play, and the female was bleeding from an inflicted wound, then his answer was loud and clear. The person that inflicted the wound, whether inflicted consensually or not, would be going to jail that night. The law makes no allowances for consensually allowing yourself to be cut, beaten, whipped, flogged etc. The cop gave me this example… If I was called to a fight outside a bar, and a guy was getting beat on by another, but he tried to tell me that they were ‘ALLOWING’ the other to hit them for some reason, it would make no difference to my interpretation of the law. One was being beaten by the other which is against the law. Whether consent was present or not, the aggressor would be locked up.
In this context, we as BDSM practitioners must be very aware of what we do even in the privacy of our own homes. Understand that there can & will be consequences if the Cops see cuts or bruises on one of the partners during questioning. Talk about it together as a couple, take precautions to ensure that neighbors are not given cause to get involved and call the cops for unusual noises.
“When the Levee Breaks: A guide to dealing with and avoiding arrest and prosecution in BDSM scenes.“
“When the Levee Breaks” is a companion to the NCSF publication, “The Aftermath,” and is a guide to provide a perspective for those who have, through mistake, misunderstanding, or a fleeting lapse of reason, committed an act of criminally actionable sexual assault. It is not intended to provide a defense for indefensible acts.“When the Levee Breaks” also provides information on how to better protect oneself against arrest and prosecution.”
October is Kink Awareness Month. It’s a great time to spread awareness of kink and how to do it safely.
In that spirit I thought this was a piece to share. Kink by it’s very nature exists at the fringe of society. It is misunderstood, and when the uninitiated, or uniformed catch a glimpse of our fun and games, whatever they may be, chances are strong that the authorities will get involved. So if you’re going to be playing then you owe it to yourself and your partner to be prepared for when that happens.
One of the weirdest things about coming out of months of denial is that my relationship with orgasms is now confusing. I no longer know if they are a good thing or a bad thing, if I’m supposed to want them or not, if I *do* want them or not. I know what my master thinks, but my head is still full of programming from my last dom, a hypno person, with whom I did all this brainwashing…
This week, master told me not to worry about denial cos I’m sick, to cum as much as I like. And I’ve had, like, 2 orgasms. Partly because of non-sexy tooth pain, but also because when I’m not edging I’m not sure what to do. What’s it *for*? what’s the correct way to enjoy this? What am I supposed to want?
My last master wanted me never to cum, and I wasn’t sure about that, but I wanted it because he wanted me to. I can’t make sense of this new thing. Or does my not being able to understand it, mean I just don’t *like* it? I’m pretty sure if you asked me before I would say I *wanted* to cum sometimes. But now I *can* and I actually avoided rubbing all of yesterday because I couldn’t work out what to do.
Just listened to half an hours worth of an hour long hypno file and came, ironically, to a section all about not wanting to cum.
I am CONFUSED.
This touches on a big issue that I have with the whole “bimbos, dolls, dollies, subs, good girls, etc. (use your favorite term or title here), never cum” dogma that I see getting repeated in my beloved bimbo and hypno-kink communities. If you enjoy the power dynamic of never cumming or making your sub edge and never allowing her to cum, and it’s all consensual, the great! Have at it, play ball, more power to you. But it’s not my thing and I have three reasons why.
#1: If you do just a little bit of research into behavior modification, you will discover that forever withholding the reward is NOT the most effective method for conditioning the required behavior. Then again neither is always giving the reward when the desired behavior is performed.
Imagine a lab rat. You want to train this rat to do something, say push a button. At first you want to give the rat a reward every time it pushes the button. This establishes a direct connection in the rat’s mind between pushing the button and something good. But as time goes on if the rat knows that all it has to do to get fed is to push the button, it will get complacent, and it will only push the button when it feels like it, because it knows that it can push the button whenever it gets hungry and food will appear. So instead, after a while, you start to cut back on the food. Maybe it pushes the button and gets a full helping, maybe it pushes the button and it doesn’t get anything that time. If you do that too much then eventually the rat will learn that it’s not worth it’s time to push the button, and it will give up all together. What you have to do is to strike a careful balance between behavior and reward. Enough to provide an incentive, and not so much that the subject becomes lazy or entitled. Science also tells us that this conditioning works best when it is somewhat random so that the subject cannot figure out how to game the system.
Now imagine a bimbo. You want to train her to wear what you want her to wear, do her makeup to your specifications, and to obey you and service you selflessly in bed (or what ever else you want to train her to do). So at first when she does what you want you reward her. You make sure that her sexual experiences when she’s been a good bimbo are far more satisfying than any that she ever had as a plain jane. Maybe you start to stack the deck in your favor by having her edge before a date so that she is desperate for release, and you only allow her to cum with your permission. Eventually you don’t allow her to cum. You tell her that she’s been a beri good girl but that you want her to wait. This makes her more desperate to cum, and she starts doing more of the bimboey things that you have been training her to do, all on her own, in the hopes that she will get to cum next time. And sure enough next time, she’s been even more of a bimbo and you allow her to cum. But now you make her wait 2 dates for her next orgasm. Then three. But just like the rat if you stop giving her the reward then eventually the conditioning becomes far less effective. You want to let her cum enough that it is still an effective reward, but not so much that she becomes lazy.
#2: My second reason for letting my bimbo(s) cum is that even if it was possible to train and condition her to be completely bimboey and 100% obedient without ever cumming I still want her to cum because I want her addicted to the sexual pleasure and release. I want her to look at me and mixed up with all of the love, devotion, obedience, and everything else that she feels when she looks at me, I want her to see me as the fix to her addiction. The one thing that can truly satisfy the burning need that she feels in the background as she goes about her daily life.
#3: Last but not least… I want my bimbo(s) to cum because I enjoy it. You might say that I’m a softy or overly indulgent, but I genuinely enjoy giving pleasure to the women I’m with. Seeing you feel good makes me feel good.
I don’t know if this helps @nameless-doll with her confusion or not by that’s my take on the whole edging/denial/release issue. I hope that it helps
The first thing you have to come to terms with, is that most littles need care and support above their sexual needs. There are subs that crave Dom Play, and being used quickly, and often, but by and large, littles will be looking for a relationship. Leading with your dick is not going to get you far in this dynamic, and is not appropriate if you want to capture the heart, mind, and body of one of the precious and youthful souls that is a little.
If it is not obviously stated somewhere, you should always make sure that the little who has caught your eye is unowned. Ask if you are unsure. If she is owned, respect her Dominant and her relationship, and move on. If she is not, you should ask if she is open to meeting someone who could become her Daddy. The proper way to earn her submission takes time and energy, and if she is not interested in getting to the same place you are, you want to know that before you begin.
Now that you know she is unowned, and is receptive to taking the road you wish her to take towards you, you need to get to know her. This part of the process is not different than meeting people in vanilla relationships. Where is she from? What are her hobbies? Who does she live with? Does she have any pets? What are her favorite TV shows? This is you showing interest in her as a human being. It’s a very reasonable place to start. Be as open and honest as you can possibly be about yourself when she asks you questions, or volunteer pieces of yourself when you feel appropriate.
The last get to know you questions can be designed to start to get an impression of what will be involved in her care. What are her goals? What challenges does she face in her daily life? Does she want to eat healthier? Does she want to do better in school? Does she suffer from stress or anxiety, or have other health issues? Does she hate that her room is always a mess? Does picking out what to wear everyday stress her out? When you find these things out, you can start to consider how to help her deal with these things within the boundaries of the relationship you will create together. The good Daddy you hope to be for her, will take the time to look at each of the things she expresses to you, and come up with some initial strategies to help her manage, control, or fix these things.
From here on out, challenge yourself to be patient. Patience is an essential element of being a good Dominant, and displaying that you have it at the outset will create the impression you wish to convey. At some point, when she feels you have taken an interest in who she is, and trust begins, she will start to open up with you about relationships and kinks. Let that conversation be on her timetable. If she is waiting for you to broach the subject, let her wait. In jumping into this conversation too early, on your timetable, you show her your lack of patience and control, and risk broaching the subject too early, and putting a chip in that trust you have been working on building.
Once you get to this part of getting to know a little you are interested in, things can start to take their own pace toward the day she asks you to be her Daddy. Remember that, like the discussion of kinks and relationships, that there are still elements that should be under her control and timetable. Don’t ask for nudes. Let her decide when she wants to share her naked self with you. Don’t ask her to call you Daddy. That’s what she calls you after she offers you her submission. Don’t call her pet names. You are not there yet. Remember that earning the trust necessary for her to offer you her submission can take weeks, or months. Be patient, have patience, and exercise as much patience as you can.
This is how I’d go about pursuing the submission of a little that I felt myself drawn to. It is not the only way, but it encompasses what I perceive to be their typical desires, and paves the road for a healthy and happy DD/lg relationship. My best on capturing the attention, and earning the submission, of the little who has caught your eye.
