To make this blog a bit easier to navigate, here is a (somewhat) brief list of my writings, sorted by topic. My full set of writings can be found here, with ask responses here and brilliant writing from others here.
Chilling at home with the love of my life.I’m just reading “Separating Fact From Fiction - The Life Of A Consensual Slave In The 21st Century ” by Shannon Reilly. Certain things I don’t agree with, and things that aren’t relevant to me. Lots of talk about the “leather community ” which I don’t identify with in any way, etc. But still a decent read.
I just ordered this @his-4-life for the recommendation. I’m always looking for quality books and resources about the D/s lifestyle.
“But if you loved me you’d….” “You love me unconditionally don’t you?” “If you cared about me you’d…” “Dominants are supposed to…” “I’m a little submissive, you control me, so it’s all your fault.” “You hate me don’t you? That’s why you won’t do…” “You are such a dick, why can’t you just do something nice for me, for once.“
This is often done by “subs” who are out to use their Dominant for something, often to fulfill their kinky fantasies, and also often to get spoiled. The above phrases are often used to coerce the Dominant into buying them stuff, or participating in sexual play the Dominant is not comfortable with. Please remember you do not have to do anything you are not comfortable with, I don’t care how much tumblr says you have to eat her out or fuck her on her period, or lick his asshole, or buy her those new plushies and shoes every week, if you are honestly not comfortable with this, don’t let yourself get manipulated and talked into doing it.
2. Verbal/Emotional Abuse.
Putting their Dominants down, telling them how worthless/ugly/stupid/dumb/terrible they are, calling them names, and when you get upset you’re told that “it was just a joke.” “Don’t be so sensitive” “You’re overreacting.” “Aren’t you supposed to be the Dominant here?” “You control me so I can’t possibly do something to you you wouldn’t like.” Etc. This often goes hand in hand with manipulation and gas lighting to make the Dominant put up with this kind of abuse.
3. Physical Abuse.
Even if she’s a she, even if they’re 100 pounds and 10 feet smaller than you, if they even do as much as raise a hand at you or threaten to, you are being abused. Hell, even if it didn’t hurt, they are not supposed to hit you. At all. (obviously some couples like to play around a get a little rough and -both people enjoy it-, but I’m sure you all can tell the difference.) Again, if you say that this make you uncomfortable, they will often say things like examples already given. “I thought you were a big strong (wo)man.)” “c'mon, you should be able to take that, baby.” etc.
4. Denying you aftercare.
A lot of Dominants need aftercare too, and many don’t realize it, because for a lot of Dominants taking care of their submissive is their aftercare, but when for some reason this is impossible, Domdrop happens, and it can happen hard. Aftercare is not just for the sub, and if they don’t want aftercare but you know you do, and even after explaining will flat out refuse, it means they don’t care about your well being after an intense scene or session.
5. Refuses to give you any kind of love or affection or care.
“You’re the Dominant, you should be able to take care of yourself.” “I’m the one who deserves love here.” “You’re too big and strong to be taken care of.” “Why don’t you pay attention to me for once.” “Your problems aren’t that bad.“
Affection is so important in a relationship, if it’s something you need, don’t ever settle for someone who won’t give you those things.
6. Does not support you in hard times.
When say, a relative dies, you may not be able to be as consistent, you still want to be their Dom and they your sub (or maybe not, thats fine too), but you also need them to support you and care for you in tough times. If they tell you to suck it up and take care of THEM instead, they are again a selfish little bitch that only cares about themselves. Take care of yourself when you need to, and you deserve a sub who will take care of you too.
7. Talk bad about things that are perfectly normally in D/s but that doesn’t fit their abusive agenda.
“Serve you? What. No. I’m a little fragile sub, YOU’re supposed to get ME drinks.” “Beg? I’m too good for that. That’s disgusting, you’re supposed to please me whenever I want you to.” “No, that’s not how D/s works.”
(obviously this is different from a sub who is simply not interested in these things, it’s the phrasing and the reasons behind it.) They’ll always make everything about themselves, and when you bring up something that isn’t specially for them, they’ll guilt you and shame you. They’re only interested in themselves and keeping you under their thumb.
8. Deciding everything without negotiation or regard for your feelings.
They never want to negotiate or communicate, play can only be on their terms, them never letting you actually decide or have a say in anything.
Your feelings matter, don’t do anything you don’t want to do, don’t let yourself get talked into anything. Communication is everything in a D/s relationship.
9. They never obey you, they try to convince you D/s is all about the submissive.
There’s a difference between playful, agreed upon brattiness that’s fun for both parties, and using their Dom for their own selfish needs. This is often done by subs who want you to buy them stuff, care for them, spank them, etc, but they do not want to actually obey or serve you. They just want to use you and take advantage of you. Often times, disobedience is more of a sign of an ignorant or inexperienced sub than anything, but when it is paired with manipulation and other things, is when it crosses the line from ignorance to abuse.
10. You feel like you can’t trust them. They lie often.
Trust is everything in D/s, absolutely everything. If you can’t trust them, you can’t have a D/s relationship with them. If they lie a lot, even seemingly small, insignificant lies, it is a sign they do not respect you. Or they’ve cheated, or you’ve heard bad stories from their friends/co-workers, you’ve found suspicious things, etc. You deserve someone you can trust, not a liar.
11. Every single thing that would be abusive in a vanilla setting, or if you were their child, friend, or sub.
Every. Thing. All those other posts and guides and things online and everywhere that talk about signs of abuse? It all applies here. All of it. Don’t put up with what you wouldn’t put up with if it were any other kind of relationship. Cheating, slapping, name calling, lying, blackmailing.
There’s so many things that can be signs of abuse. In the end, you’re the only one who can say if you are in an abusive relationship or not, please take care of yourself. Run if you need to, run fast and hard, get a support system, if you need a stranger to talk to, my inbox is open for you. A relationship is about both people, even a D/s relationship. Both people deserve to be happy and have their needs met. Take care of yourself, you deserve love and care, and the submissive you deserve and dream of.
I can’t think of a better addition to Kink Awareness Month than this post raising awareness for this often overlooked issue. Dom’s are just as vulnerable to all of the issues that goes along with any relationship as vanilla people. In some ways D/s relationships avoid a lot of the issues vanilla relationships run into. Not because D/s relationships are better than vanilla relationships, but because D/s relationships often begin with, negotiations. Negotiations are a form of communication, something that ALL relationships need plenty of. But if you get lazy, or complacent, or start relying on D/s to solve all of your relationship issues, then you can run straight into the same issues that often plague vanilla relationships.
Hey guys, I’m hoping to get responses from the community here, to help someone. We’re seeking other people’s opinions and perspectives.
The situation… In response to a lot of arguing and the sub feeling like they weren’t being heard when they needed to be heard, a D/s couple agreed that the sub could safeword during disagreements to end the argument and to allow the sub to be heard.
Shortly after that agreement, an argument happened and the sub used the safeword, but the dom continued to defend ‘his side’ rather than end the argument or let the sub speak. How would you respond, and/or how would you recommend that this person respond to this situation?
A response sent to me via DM (and I was given the OK to share publicly).
I think that this is one of those situations where it is too easy to get distracted by the D/s portion of a “D/s relationship”, when this should be addressed more as a relationship issue. Most if not all couples will argue at some point. Some more often than others. And learning how to argue in a mature fashion is part of being an adult who is emotionally developed enough that they…. (TBC)
should be in a relationship in the first place. Lots of couples utilize a version of the argument strategy it sounds like this couple was trying to employ, where either side has the right to call “time out” when they feel that either they themselves, or their partner has gotten too emotionally heated for the argument to continue to be productive, or if they are afraid that someone will say something that they will regret later. It’s a great strategy. But just because it’s a great strategy doesn’t mean that it is an easy one. Often by the time that you realize temper are running high its really really hard to slam on the breaks. (Having typed that, I can hear someone trying to use that excuse for not stopping at the use of a safeword in a D/s context, and that just would not be cool.) But it takes practice. Hopefully the Dom acknowledges that he did not live up to the agreement they made about taking a time out during an argument, and re-commits to doing better. In time, with practice and forgiveness, I can imagine a future where this couple is arguing one minute and at the first mention of “time out” they freeze like kids playing freeze-tag, turn about and walk to separate corners to collect themselves and calm down. How long the time out lasts and how they should reproach the argument are things they should discuss ahead of time when they are not actually arguing about anything in specific.
Now I know I said that I thought this was a relationship issue and not a D/s issue and I still think that this is true. But because the couple agreed ahead of time to try to use D/s in their arguments, I think it’s worth while to address that element of it.
First off, the Dom did not stop at the use of the safeword. That is Bad! Full stop. No excuses. He has to own up to that. Regardless of whether he was right or wrong in the argument, if he agreed that when they were arguing he would recognize the safeword and stop to give his sub space, and he did not, that’s on him. He needs to own up to that.
Next I would want to know more about the dynamic of their relationship. Are they full on 24/7? where she is never not his sub? If that’s the case do they have protocols for how she is supposed to bring disagreements to his attention and how he is supposed to respond to them? If so it sounds like they might not be working and should be re-examined. OR do they some times take of their D/s hats and just exist as boyfriend and girlfriend? That would make a big difference in how they should expect the other person to behave in an argument. Without knowing more about their dynamic I hesitate to lean too heavily on this, but I am tempted to say that as much as the Dom was at fault, the sub is not blameless here either. she was not tied down, she was completely within her rights to stand up for himself, and say “I said RED LIGHT (or whatever thier safeword is). You agreed we would pause any argument when I said RED LIGHT.” And if he did not stop, it was up to her to walk away. I’m not trying to blame the victim here, but I don’t think there is a victim. From what little I know, I think most of the fault lies with him, but I also think it’s important to remember that she was never powerless either.
Anyway, those are just some off the hip thoughts I had when I saw your post. I am curious to see what else other people have to say.
When I saw @amysubmits’ post asking for help helping this couple I had a few quick off the cuff thoughts that I wanted to share, but I didn’t want to go to the time and effort to put all those thoughts together in a cohesive format for a reblog, or to add all the appropriate tags that I try to include on all of my posts, so I just messaged @amysubmits. But having done that I was really curious how things worked out for the couple and what else other people would have to say.
I was a little surprised (although in retrospect I suppose I should not have been) and a little disappointed. What I saw was a lot of people piling on about how awful the Dom was for not properly respecting the use of the safeword. And before I go any further I want to say unequivocally that a safeword should always be respected! Part of what makes BDSM work and keeps it safe for all those involved is that safewords MUST be absolutely sacred.
That said, it’s a popular trope in the online BDSM community to come down like a ton of bricks on Doms behaving badly. And up to a point that’s as it should be. Those in power must be held to a higher standard, and BDSM is all about a shift in the power balance in a relationships. But I think that a lot of people loose sight of the fact that no one does anything perfectly in the beginning. Everything takes practice, and practice means failing sometimes. Both Doms and subs will make mistakes from time to time, and that’s okay as long as they own up to it, and work to do better moving forward. If we abandon every relationship that hits a rough patch and write off every person who isn’t perfect 100% of the time then we’ll never get anywhere.
From time to time you will see people commenting on how there is a lack of good Doms out there. Part of that is because being a Dom is a hard thing to do right. Easy to do wrong, but hard to do right. But t might also be because, as a community we have very little tolerance for anything less that perfection in a Dom, and I have to think that scares off more than a few who could grow in to great Doms if they were given a little patience, and were allowed to fix their mistakes, and to grow from them.
What we should be more concerned about is not the one offs, but patterns of behavior. Okay so this Dom did not respond appropriately to the safeword. BAD. Was this the first time? Did he own up to the mistake? Or is this part of a larger pattern? Does he refuse to admit doing anything wrong?
In my original message to @amysubmits I mentioned using the strategy of couples who find themselves in an argument that is spinning out of control calling “time out” or hitting “pause”, until they’ve had a chance to calm down, and they are ready to have a more productive argument. When I mentioned it I was very much thinking of Lily and Marshall from HIMYM. https://youtu.be/h93KR6_AXu4?t=76 As silly and immature the gang from HIMYM can be a lot of the time, being able to pause an argument is really a very mature relationship tool. It’s a lot easier said than done! Some people have that kind of self control, when their emotions get worked up and they are only partially aware of what’s coming out of their mouths, to be able to shut up, close their jaw, seal their lips, walk away, and to calm down, but some people spend their entire lives working to gain that kind of self control. I’m not trying to make excuses for bad behavior, but I do think that we should be a little less glib about condemning people who are doing their best and working to be better.
Now it may be that the Dom in the original scenario is not emotionally mature enough yet to be in a BDSM type relationship, or even a long term adult relationship. Or maybe the sub is more emotionally developed than the Dom and she needs to find someone more on her level. But it’s also possible that they are the next lily and Marshall and they both have some growing to do together, and in the long run it will only bring them closer together.
Okay that ran way longer than I intended, but I hope that someone out there found it useful.
Submissives First In my mind, this is the only way it works. The submissive’s needs have to be managed first. Without those met, the submissive cannot let go and submit. When submissives have to devote energy to managing their needs and their Dominants’ needs and wants, it’s too much. Submissives have a tendency to put their Dominants first (and often, everyone else). So in the end, they suffer. They cannot do it all. And when they try, they wilt. Dominants must understand and work to fulfill their submissives’ needs. Or the whole hierarchy falls apart.
But submissives have responsibilities here, too. First, they need to know what they need. Not want, but need. Second, they need to communicate about their needs—to help their Dominants check the gauges and rebalance when necessary. If you don’t truly know what you need, you can’t expect your partner to know.
…But Dominants First, Too The other thing is that I don’t think submissives should see their needs as coming first. In an ideal relationship, submissives put faith in their Dominants to care for their needs, and they focus on their Dominants’ needs. If you can’t let go of putting your needs first, then you aren’t really giving up power. Communicate. Share your needs, and have meta discussions about them. Then let go. Trust. Lean in with your submission by putting your Dominant’s needs first. Focus on what they need. Let that guide you at all times. With submissive and Dominant both putting one another’s needs first, the dynamic flourishes. It deepens, and it takes you places you never knew existed.
Why Whims Why do Dominants’ whims come before submissives’ wants? Why are they on there at all? At least for me, explicitly putting my Dominant’s whims above my wants is a reminder of what it means to be owned. And I need to feel it sometimes. I need to know that my Dominant has no need to justify decisions. I plug my ass in the middle of the workday when told. I drop what I’m doing to complete a task. I deny my orgasms at the last minute. That is what it means to be owned. No other reason required. I need to know that my needs come first, but I also need to know that my desires come last. Very, very last. This is what my slave heart needs—not just in theory, but I need to see it.
For me, this is the fundamental structure of a D/s relationship. Different relationships may structure it differently. M/s will likely be different from DDlg, and the hierarchy may shift as two people build their dynamic. But the hierarchy makes a big impact on the dynamic. It’s not just the stated hierarchy; it’s the hierarchy reflected in your actions. How do your actions reflect your priorities? And does that create a dynamic where both partners can thrive?
It is rare that I find a written piece from someone else that I agree with 100%. At best, there is usually 20% to 5% that I nit pick about or have personal taste differences. But this is pretty much SPOT ON! I have nothing to add.
Personally, I am a fan of the traffic light system.
“Are you green?” ““Yes Sir. i love this so much, i am so totally green!”
or…
“Ummm… i’m yellow Sir.” (Meaning, “i like this. i don’t want to stop, but i need to slow down, or catch my breath, or this is getting close to RED let’s back it down a couple notches so that we can keep playing.”)
or…
“RED!” (Meaning all play and kink stops immediately and the physical and mental health of all participants are attended to.)
That said, this made me laugh, AND it really appreciate the thinking behind it.
I had a conversation with a cop last night about how they perceive BDSM practices and what you should do if the cops come calling at your door because a neighbor has complained about ‘Loud Noises’ coming from your home. Here is what he told me:
If a cop comes to your door from a noise complaint, and you are in the middle of a BDSM scene, the first thing you need to understand is what the cops are going to be looking for and what kind of action they may take on questioning you. Be HONEST with the cops, tell them that you are engaged in sexual activity and that it is consensual. Both partners should be talking directly to the cop, but if the cop notices the female looking towards her partner before answering questions, this would be taken as a red flag and a sign of potential abuse. So you must break all of your D/s expectations during this conversation. Some Dominants may have rules for their submissive about talking to other men, making eye contact with other men etc… But when dealing with the police at your door, these rules need to be suspended. You should acting like any other vanilla couple that are simply engaging in some kinky sexual practices.
The Cops will most likely separate both partners for questioning, asking what is going on, but paying special attention to the female partner, asking her questions such as; are you here against your will? Are you being hurt? Do you wish to leave? The female needs to make it clear that they are NOT being hurt and are simply taking part in adult sexual activity that IS consensual. They may also ask to come in and have a look around to satisfy themselves that all is well. So be prepared to discretely conceal any whips, floggers, knives etc before opening the door. Providing that the accounts of what is going on they get from both partners match, then the cops will most likely just ask you to keep the noise levels down and be out of your hair quickly. They have much more pressing issues to deal with than interrupting two consenting adults from enjoying themselves in the privacy of their own home.
When I asked the Cop about what would happen if the couple were participating in edge play such as blood play, and the female was bleeding from an inflicted wound, then his answer was loud and clear. The person that inflicted the wound, whether inflicted consensually or not, would be going to jail that night. The law makes no allowances for consensually allowing yourself to be cut, beaten, whipped, flogged etc. The cop gave me this example… If I was called to a fight outside a bar, and a guy was getting beat on by another, but he tried to tell me that they were ‘ALLOWING’ the other to hit them for some reason, it would make no difference to my interpretation of the law. One was being beaten by the other which is against the law. Whether consent was present or not, the aggressor would be locked up.
In this context, we as BDSM practitioners must be very aware of what we do even in the privacy of our own homes. Understand that there can & will be consequences if the Cops see cuts or bruises on one of the partners during questioning. Talk about it together as a couple, take precautions to ensure that neighbors are not given cause to get involved and call the cops for unusual noises.
“When the Levee Breaks: A guide to dealing with and avoiding arrest and prosecution in BDSM scenes.“
“When the Levee Breaks” is a companion to the NCSF publication, “The Aftermath,” and is a guide to provide a perspective for those who have, through mistake, misunderstanding, or a fleeting lapse of reason, committed an act of criminally actionable sexual assault. It is not intended to provide a defense for indefensible acts.“When the Levee Breaks” also provides information on how to better protect oneself against arrest and prosecution.”
October is Kink Awareness Month. It’s a great time to spread awareness of kink and how to do it safely.
In that spirit I thought this was a piece to share. Kink by it’s very nature exists at the fringe of society. It is misunderstood, and when the uninitiated, or uniformed catch a glimpse of our fun and games, whatever they may be, chances are strong that the authorities will get involved. So if you’re going to be playing then you owe it to yourself and your partner to be prepared for when that happens.
I’ll admit. I’m a sucker for Men strong enough to hold me up
I have always wanted to have a girl who was so excited to see me that she flew into my arms wrapping her legs around my chest as I caught her. I hope his would become one of our standard greetings.
I was talking with a submissive friend of mine, and she confessed that being picked up by a Man is really scary to her. I could not believe it, being picked up is supposed to make you feel safe and protected. What could there possibly be to feel scared about?
“It is kind of scary! So many unknowns…will he drop me? How long will I be up here? Will he accidentally walk me into a wall? Is he a sadist? How long will I be up here?!?!?” she said.
Our conversation went on from there but it occurred to me that being picked up is a great metaphor for D/s relationships and that these questions are exactly the sort of questions that a good and level headed submissive should ask before choosing her Dominant. Is this the sort of Man that you can trust? I
Is he strong enough not to drop you? Not necessarily physically strong but strong enough to be your Dom through the tough times and to support you.
How long will you be up there? What sort of relationship are you after? Bedroom sexy fun time only? 24/7 Total Power Exchange? Domestic Discipline? Vintage 50′s traditional gender roles? And how long will it last? Are you looking for a weekend only play partner? Do you need an ongoing boyfriend who will Dominate you during the afterwork hours? Do you want to give it a month trial period and renegotiate things from there? How long will you be up there?
Will He accidentally walk you into a wall? Well in this case the answer is “Yes”. Eventually, if it goes on long enough, sooner or later every Dom will make a mistake. (subs will make mistakes too but we are talking about Doms for now.) The question you should be asking is not IF He will accidentally walk you into a wall, but will He do everything He can not to? How will He behave when accidents do happen? Will He care for you? Is He a Man of strong enough character to change His behavior after an accident to prevent accidents from happening again in the future?
Is He a Sadist? Well that should definitely be something that you should know before getting involved with a Dom. Do you want a Sadist? Are you a masochist? Will He hurt you the way that you like to be hurt? Can He protect you the way that you need to be protected?
If He is the sort of Man that you can trust to pick you up and hold you, then that’s a good indicator that He is the sort of Man that you can trust to Dominate you.
