Alone

A/n: This contains mental health triggers and is unlike anything that I would usually write. That being said, I know that a lot of people are going through a lot right now. I am always here if you need someone to talk to :)

You laid in your bed in the TARDIS just staring hopelessly at the ceiling. It had to be past 3 am, at least if time functioned even semi-normally in the TARDIS it would have been somewhere around there. You were physically exhausted, but your mind was awake. But this was not just your average sleeplessness, no, it was much worse.

You were sad. And it was stupid, you really knew that it was. But you felt consumingly and unexplainably alone. Which was so illogical and you hated that you felt this way, but that didn’t stop the painful ache in your chest and growing sense of dread.

You wished that you could escape into a peaceful or even restless sleep. However, you were overly aware that sleep would not be your friend tonight. In the absence of sleep, you attempted to distract yourself. But your usual ‘fixes’ weren’t doing anything for you. Something was different this time, more ominous and inescapable.

A small part of you was urging yourself to go and wake the Doctor. You knew that he wouldn’t rest until you were okay. And that was precisely the reason you refused to do so. He had been through so much and you were not about to add to the weight of the universe that he had already placed on his shoulders. He didn’t deserve to be bothered with your menial problems. And even if you wanted to, how were you supposed to talk to the LAST OF THE TIMELORDS about feeling lonely. The idea was laughable. Besides, this wasn’t that big of a deal, you just needed to ignore it until it went away. 

But the more that you tried to push it from your mind, the worse you felt. It got to the point where you were sitting up, hugging your knees to your chest, trying to hold yourself together. You didn’t understand why this had to happen. Nothing had triggered this, you had such a good day. You tried to reason with your own mind, but it was no use. 

You didn’t know how long you sat like that, just struggling to exist. Apparently, it was long enough for the TARDIS to notice and become concerned. She elected to wake her favorite Timelord, who was slightly irritated at first. But then he could sense how worried she was, something was wrong.

He was confused, but quickly got up and followed her soft humming which promptly stopped as he reached your door. He was slightly caught off guard by this but proceeded to knock softly. There was no answer, maybe you were sleeping? But surely the TARDIS wouldn’t have him come here if it wasn’t important. She unlocked the door as if pleading with him to enter. 

He pushed the door open quietly, as he did some of the light from the hallway lite up your room just enough for him to see you. His stomach fell as he did. He quickly turned on the lights and fully entered your room. But you remained still, seemingly unphased.

“Oh, Y/n,” he sighed, standing in front of you.

It was the sound of his voice that caused you to snap back to reality. As you realized the situation you were in, tears started to stream down your face.

The Doctor sat down behind you and pulled you into his arms. Just holding you tightly as you sobbed. He whispered into your hair, just trying to calm you down. He was so thankful that the TARDIS had woken him up, wishing that she had done it sooner. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what you were feeling to make you react this way. 

Eventually, you started to calm down, but the doctor’s hold on you never faltered. He wanted to say something, but he was at a loss for words. Which was saying a lot, especially for him. 

“I-I’m sorry,”  you tried to control your voice.

The Doctor’s heart broke even more with those words. “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.”

“I didn’t want you to see me like this.”

“Y/n, it’s okay to be less than okay every now and again. It’s not bad to cry. In fact I think it makes a person stronger. I’m just sorry that you had to be strong alone. You should’ve woken me,” The Doctor pauses in thought before adding, “You don’t have to tell me what happened. But if you want to talk about it I’m always here for you. I promise.”

“Thank you,” you replied, internally struggling with the decision of whether to let him in, let him see how broken you were, or to just move forward.

“Do you need anything?” he asked, as he himself was struggling to decide what to do next.

“Can we just stay like this for a little while?” you asked, immediately regretting it. 

“Of course.”

And so, you laid in the Doctor’s arms feeling less alone. Your mind was soothed by the rhythmic beating of his hearts. Eventually against your will, you were lulled to sleep. 

The Doctor laid there still trying to take in what had happened. He wished that you would have opened up about what had caused this, but he better than anyone knew not to push you. He knew what is was like to feel like no one else deserves the burden that you carry. And he knew that this was not over, but he made a promise to himself that he would be there for you every step of the way. When you were ready, he would make sure you knew that you were not alone. 

He looked down at your sleeping form and pushed some of your hair out of your face. He felt a sense of peace that was a rare occurrence for him. It was as if time stopped, he was entirely caught in the moment. Being there with you made him feel less alone in a way he never thought he would after what happened in Gallifrey. He hoped that being with him made you feel the same way.