#nomenclature

In the course of a person’s life, there comes the time to answer “the big questions”:what are you going to do with your life? Who will you spend it with? What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything? That moment, in my life, for at least one of these questions, is AUGUST 2, 2014, and so, with that in mind, I have decided to take something very old:this blog, and give it some new things: a new name, a new look, and a new purpose.

If my blog is novel to you, feel free to peruse its history, and read about the origins of its name and intention. Even if you’re a frequent visitor, it may give some context for that which you have seen.

But now, it has a new name: 2-Fifths and a new rai·son d'ê·tre: to tell OURstory. As we walk forward in life together, we wanted a way to share our struggles and successes with those who have loved and supported us through the years, and also to set it down for ourselves, that we can see the work God has done in our lives.

Joe and I picked the name 2-Fifths to remind us that in this relationship, we are but two small parts, but that God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit play the much larger role.

If anything, our relationship has been a continual reminder that apart from the grace of God, there is very little that we can do.

It is a lesson we hope to carry forward into our marriage and the rest of our lives. I will still have my ramblings from time to time, as usual, and Joe will as well, but we will also, I hope, be able to share encouraging, funny, touching, and real moments as we start the next chapter together.

The night I got engaged, someone asked a question about my fiancé - I don’t remember the question, nor do I remember my response, but I remember feeling shocked. Logically, I knew he was now my fiancé, not just my boyfriend, but it had come so quickly within the timing of the proposal that I hadn’t had time to transition over to our new titles. Thankfully, I don’t think I’ve been referred to as his fiancée yet… though he has now been introduced as “my fiancé” which is still just as strange. I remember it also took some time for me to say boyfriend. I often just said “we’re dating” but would introduce him by name, without the “title”.

Yet society is all about the label. Facebook and other social media sites encourage us to DTR or “define the relationship” using commonly accepted terms. We didn’t make it “facebook official” until almost a year and a half later (over some interesting circumstances*). We still haven’t made our engagement “facebook official” because I personally think it’s a rather poor way of announcing things. But it becomes a thing that we “have to know.” Even though there are those couples who break up for an hour before getting back together. That somehow becomes something that “we” have demanded to make rather public knowledge. I’m not sure why. Why is this more important than our dreams or goals in life? Why is it more important than what we mean when we say love? Why are there no boxes or announcements or statuses about that?

What I find strangest about the use of certain nomenclature is that it is often not about the couple or the relationship - it is about their community. The thing that made me the happiest about being engaged was NOT “being engaged” - it really didn’t change our relationship that much in terms of how we interacted with each other. Certainly the decision upped the commitment for both of us, and was an illustration/action demonstrating such but we haven’t actually behaved much more differently with each other. But I was thrilled that now it would be acceptable to others the degree to which we spent time together. Indeed, my other friend, who got engaged before us said something similar: that she felt freer to take time to just hang out as the two of them once they got engaged, that people would understand.

While extreme “intimacy” often acts as an indicator that engagement is coming, it is also often frowned upon outside of engagement/marriage (and occasionally within). Men might be asked if they’re “whipped” while women may be cautioned not to give too much too soon. Ironically, in romantic movies, the same level of intimacy often is the precursor to (and cause of) the relationship, while to the main female protagonist, it is seen as indicator/proof for the validity of the relationship: he’s so sweet, this has to be the one!

I can understand that relationship labels can be helpful for couples to be on the same page about where they stand with each other, as well as acting as reassurance to parents who are worried about their children’s degree of investment. However, I also feel like the existing vocabulary fails to capture what relationships can look like and distort people’s perceptions of the progression of romance by their categorization. Serious dating and engagement are closer than engagement and marriage, which are again closer than the first years of marriage and the later years of marriage. Someone can transition from friend to best friend to fiancé just as easily as a lover might become a boyfriend/girlfriend to fiancé to friend.

Maybe it’s just because I don’t hear the term very often, but calling someone my fiancé formalizes and codifies something I feel like is more organic than a stepladder. But I do it anyway.