#officer jones

I don’t know why I feel compelled to keep tabs on the relationships of these X-Factor characters. Maybe it’s because they all seem super awkward and I’m curious to see how they end, which will probably be silently whenever the writers change and the new writers won’t be bothered to acknowledge them. Or maybe it’s because I secretly yearn to be this happy and by hyper-focusing on them I can both live through them vicariously while ridiculing them in order to make myself feel safe and superior. Nah that can’t be it.

Oh my god someone needs to barf all over those frumpy overalls! I hope his ice sled crashes into a rusty saw blade factory and they all get tetanus! (X-Factor #65 – Apr 1991)

Double oof. This is absolutely heart wrenching to see X-Factor forced to give up their kid. This had me legitimately stressed out, thinking about holding a dying child and having to decide in an instant whether to give him up to a stranger from the future who may or may not be telling the truth, not knowing if you’ll ever see the kid again or even if you’ll ever know what happens to them. And then I remembered that we do find out what happens to him. He turns into Cable. And then I stopped caring so much. Cyclops sure doesn’t seem to care. Take a second to think about how you would feel after doing this, and then compare it to how he behaves.

He doesn’t give a shit! “Well I guess it’s back to Earth then. Gonna have a lot more free time on my hands now that I don’t have to care for that baby. Maybe I’ll start watching Frasier.” (X-Factor #68 – July 1991)

There’s a big moon battle here where X-Factor and the Inhumans take on Apocalypse and his forces, which confusingly consists of multiple Apocalypses. The art is great, and as X-Factor reminisces about their last big moon battle, it dawns on me for the first time all of the original X-Men were actually present when Phoenix died except Iceman.

I don’t know how I didn’t realize that until now. Oh, and those extra Apocalypses turn out to be decoy robot Apocalypses, and the real Apocalypse is now some kind of bloated Peter Griffen looking Apocalypse.

Again I have to ask, why does Apocalypse need all these decoys and henchmen and soldiers. He could single handedly kill all these people in about 2 minutes. (X-Factor #67 – June 1991)

Isn’t this how it always goes in comics. No, our heroes did not die in the obliterating atomic space explosion that happened at the very end of the last issue. They conveniently wrapped themselves in a telekinetic life support bubble. Within the vacuum of space. And then the Inhumans saved them. I don’t know why I get so worried about these superheroes! Nothing bad ever actually happens to them! Even Ship is still alive somehow, and they’re the one that blew up!!

Sigh ok whatever, convenient plot. Why not. It’s been a while since we had a moon battle anyway. (X-Factor #67 – June 1991)

I’d just like to point out here how hard Cyclops tries to convince Ship to not commit suicide (and it’s a fucking ship, an inanimate object). This is shortly after he spent the entire Kings of Pain crossover actively encouraging Proteus / Piecemeal (two human beings / fellow mutants / actual living beings) to commit suicide because he couldn’t be bothered to figure out an easier course of action. What a guy. Regardless, the outcome is the same as it was with Proteus (a gigantic vaporizing explosion).

Nice work, fearless. Regardless, I fucking loved the artwork in this comic, and I really like this new character, whoever she is, mostly because she’s a hot mess cyborg fuck up and I can relate to that. (X-Factor #66 – May 1991)

Are we saying Officer Jones is a mutant here? Of course!! Because absolutely none of these characters can be a normal god damn human being! (X-Factor #66 – May 1991)