You know what, you can whisper about me. You can second guess everything that I do it doesn’t bother me. Because I can work alone and I can eat alone. I really don’t need people to trust me.
I love her so much and I will never be more bitter about how she was treated. I’ve never been this guy but- I have to believe she is happy now. I know she’s not real- I know- but this is why I still fic for her and holly. I’ve loved characters before but- I fell in love with Gail and then her falling in love with Holly only cemented that and then the whole break up bummed me the fuck out so hard and the subsequent grinding Gail into the cement, ugh. Because I will never love a character more than Gail Peck and I will always choose to believe she is happy. With Holly Stewart. And I will always have them end up together, even if a little more maimed or whatever after, in my stuff. Period. And thank you to all of the writers of this pairing who are still doing the same because this one sticks with me and y’all help with that. Gahh Gail Peck deserved better.
@witkneec asked for Holly’s POV. You have her to thank and me to blame for this one…
The first time she ever lied to her was on the day they met. She should’ve known then that they were doomed, but standing in the lab where the most beautiful, desolate woman she had ever met was swinging around on a stool lamenting about being a cat and the lie just slipped out. She claimed that she “used to be that way” but then realized that she just didn’t like men. She had told the blonde that becoming a lesbian had fixed her. But it hadn’t. Because when it came to relationships she was a runner. And god, had she run.
She wished she could say she was a better person but it didn’t stop at just one lie. A stupid setup that meant nothing to her but the words slipped out anyway.
The woman was lovely, really, she was but she wasn’t a someone someone.
Because the someone that she couldn’t stop thinking about had already offered to buy her a drink. And Holly just wanted to be at the bar with Gail, but Gail was just her friend. Or at least that’s what she kept telling herself.
Until she heard.
Shots fired at officers. One was at the hospital. And then she lied again. The courier was sick…or something. It wasn’t one of her bests, but it gave her an excuse to pull Gail into an empty room. It gave her an excuse to tell the blonde how she had lied.
And when she felt Gail’s lips on her own, she had never been more happy to have lied in her life.
Sitting in the bar claiming that her and Gail were having fun hadn’t felt like a lie.
It was fun and relationships were not so she lied. Yes, she lied to Lisa, but truth be told she was also lying to herself.
Fun wouldn’t get her hurt.
Fun wouldn’t send Gail crashing out of a tree.
Fun would keep things where they were and things were good until she turned to see Gail’s face and damn did Fun hurt.
So she lied to herself and said that San Francisco was about a job, an opportunity to boost her career, and had absolutely nothing to do with the pain that felt like it would never end unless she ran.
She wasn’t running away, she was running towards.
At least that’s what she told herself.
The next lie she told though would be the end of them.
She lied about seeing someone.
Because there was a beautiful, charming woman standing in front of her, reaching out to her, but she was still hurting, so she lied. And when Gail finally said all the things she wanted to hear. She panicked and shut down and she choked back the tears long enough to say “Goodnight Gail” and then she ran.
Ran as fast as the tears streamed down her face.
By the time she came to her senses everything was too little and it was far too late.
San Francisco was calling and Gail was staying so she lied again, promised that she understood, and that it was for the best.
None of it could be the best if Gail wasn’t in her life. But lying had become so natural so she got on a plane and the last thing she saw was the most beautiful, desolate woman she had ever seen and she lied that it would be okay.
San Francisco was about a job.
A new opportunity. A fresh start. It had absolutely nothing to do with alcohol or unanswered phone calls or the replyless texts she sent.
Absolutely. Nothing.
It was the belief that got her on the plane. It was the mantra that got her out of bed in the morning. It was the hope that got her through each day on the West Coast of a country she didn’t even like.
It was the lie that came to light every time she closed her eyes and saw blue eyes looking back at her.
Toronto was about a woman.
It just happened to come with a job attached. A convenient excuse to give to any and everyone who asked. Homesickness. Her friends and family were in Toronto. But it was her heart that she needed back. And that only belonged to one person.
She would tell her the truth. This time it would be different. The folder she held was the paperwork that would get her reinstated. It would make it all permanent again.
Walking into 15 Division, she had never expected that the one person she wanted to see the most would blindside her so badly. But when she looked up from her strewn papers, her heart actually stopped. Gail was just as beautiful, maybe even more so, than the last time she had seen her. But also more guarded.
Holly just needed to tell her the truth.
That she was back.
That she was back for her.
They just needed to talk.
“Yeah, ummm… I know this is surprising and I didn’t really think that I would bump into you like this and so quickly but umm now that I have maybe we could talk. Can we talk? Somewhere? Tonight, maybe?”
“Talk? Ummm….I…um…”
Gail’s phone rang and Holly tried not to listen but she still heard the “Yeah, I’ll come get her.”
Gail was running off to pick someone else up. It was Gail’s turn to run and Holly was left with words unsaid and a very messy folder.
“It’s my fault. She’s moved on.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do!” The whiskey made Holly’s voice much louder than she realized. “ She moved on. Of course she moved on. Why would Gail sit around pining for someone who left her? She could have anyone she wants and that isn’t me.”
“You don’t know that.” Rachel repeated. It was probably the tenth time that night she had said those exact words.
But there was no convincing Holly. She couldn’t lie to herself. She knew that she wasn’t good enough to get Gail back. That she didn’t deserve her.
“I’ve tried to talk to her. I’ve tried, Rachel. Every time I see her. But she just keeps on running.”
“Maybe you need to try harder.”
‘I’ve tried, Rach.”
“For some reason, I don’t quite believe you.”
It wasn’t the first time she’d wake up with a throbbing between her legs, a cold sweat clinging to her shirt, the sheets tangled around her as memories took over her dreams. She had been back for weeks and the dreams only seemed to get worse. During the day she could distract herself. She could focus on work and her friends and her family.
She could ignore the ache in her chest every time she saw Gail laughing with someone else, or punching one of the guys, or mocking Chloe. She swore it didn’t hurt to see her back, every time Holly tried to talk to her.
She could go to the bar with Rachel and Lisa and act like everything was fine.
“Now that you’re back I could set you up with….”
Holly tuned Lisa out. She didn’t really want to see her. But Rachel had insisted and Lisa had been contrite. At least as contrite as she could possibly be.
“Are you still in love with her?”
Holly startled. “Who?”
“You know who?”
“I’m not doing this. We’re not doing this.”
“Are you?”
“I’m not talking to you about Gail.”
“I didn’t make you say those words. You weren’t ready then and you’re not ready now. Just admit it, Stewart. You are the smartest woman I know, graduated top of our class, but you still can’t admit that you’re in love with her.”
“That isn’t what this is about.”
“Liar.”
“I didn’t come back here for you.”
Holly didn’t know why she said it. But Gail was leaning against the frame of the door to her lab. One foot in. One foot out. And the words just came out. She ignored the ache in her chest and kept talking.
“I mean, I came back here for the job. Promotion, really. I didn’t-don’t expect anything from you but it would be nice if you didn’t feel like you had to avoid me.”
‘I wasn’t avoiding you.”
“Well, that’s what it seemed like.”
“Well, I wasn’t.”
Holly didn’t believe her. She opened her mouth, ready to ask Gail that if that was true, why did she keep running away from her every chance she had. Why had they still not sat down and talked? But she swallowed the words back down.
“Ok, good, I just wanted you to know that you didn’t have to if you were.”
“Thanks for clearing that up.”
Holly wasn’t sure but for a moment she thought she heard a trace of hurt in Gail’s voice. She didn’t want to hurt Gail. She just wanted her back in her life.
“I just-”
“No. It’s cool, Holly, I get it. Is that the file Traci needs?”
Holly handed it over and Gail was gone before Holly could say another word. She didn’t even get the chance to ask if they could be friends again.
“You need to stop lying to yourself.” Rachel warned.
Holly knew what she had seen. Her friend had witnessed her bringing coffee to Gail on her way out of the station. The blonde was working nights and Holly knew how much she hated them. So it was just a friendly gesture. An act of solidarity even.
So were the random snacks or lunches that Holly sometimes dropped at her desk, and the files that she now hand-delivered, and the pieces of evidence that most definitely need her to make the trek to 15 rather than the courier who was getting paid to do so.
At least that’s what Holly told herself.
But what Rachel saw was the way Holly looked at Gail like a lovesick puppy as the blonde got pulled away by some detective-looking person.
“I’m not lying. I just want Gail to be happy. Even if it’s not with me. At least not in that way. I can handle it. I just want us to be friends again.”
“Right. Because friends worked out so well for you to the first time.”
“Just shut up and drive.”
It had been Holly’s suggestion for everyone to go to the Penny after they closed a big case. The entire lab deserved to celebrate that night, but when it was time to decide where, it had been Holly who had argued against the bar that was just down the street from the lab in favor of the cop bar a few blocks away.
It had nothing to do with the blonde woman she spotted at the bar the moment she stepped into the crowded pub.
“Hi.”
“Hey.” The look of surprise before shifting to an actual smile made Holly’s heart race. “Hi. What are you doing here?”
“The Penny is still the closest place to the lab with the best prices.”
“Right.”
“I guess some things don’t change, huh?” Holly asked as she motioned to the bartender for two whiskeys. It was easy almost. “So are you here alone or…?”
As an arm slid around Gail’s waist and a familiar face appeared over her shoulder, Holly felt her stomach drop. Frankie Anderson. Gail had moved on with the loudmouthed, cynical, detective who loved to hit on anyone with a vagina and a pulse. Holly wasn’t sure what was worse. Having this new knowledge or being forced to make small talk with her.
She excused herself as quickly as she could and headed back to her own group of tables. She started talking to Rodney and kept her eyes fixed anywhere but on the new couple. It was why she definitely didn’t notice when they left the bar only a few minutes later.
No definitely not.
“She’s not dating Frankie.”
“What?”
“Not anymore at least. I mean Gail and Frankie used to do the do but it’s been over for months now. Honestly, I doubt it lasted long after you came back.”
“Gail is free to see whoever she wants.”
“She wants you. I don’t know how the two of you are the only people on the planet who can’t seem to figure that out. And I know you want her too.”
“I…” Holly wasn’t sure what to say. “I need to get the body back to the lab.”
She dragged her feet as she followed Chloe to the scene of the crime. It might have been a shadow, but she could’ve sworn there was a hickey on the redhead’s neck.
Holly knew that she needed to find a better way. But Chloe, and Rachel and Lisa had been right. She had been lying to herself and to Gail and needed to tell Gail the truth. She just needed to not lose her courage in the process. Cutting through the halls of 15 Division, she made a beeline straight for her target and practically tackled her into an empty interrogation room.
“What the hell? Holly?”
“I lied.” It felt good to finally get the words out.
“What?”
“About why I came back. I lied. I did come back for the job but I wanted to be here. I missed everyone. But I missed you most of all. So I did come back for you. And I know it might be too late and you’ve moved on and that’s okay. I’d rather have you in my life as a friend then not-”
Holly was rambling but she couldn’t stop herself. She needed Gail to know the truth, but then Gail cut off the rambling the best way she knew how. The kiss was everything. Everything she had wanted and hoped for and missed.
“Sorry, you had to stop talking.”
Holly’s heart was already hammering in her chest, but at the sight of Gail’s smile, she swore that it was trying to leave her ribcage behind altogether. She could feel her own smile growing.
“I won’t say another word.”
Holly would be lying if she said the next kiss wasn’t even better.
“I’ll have a large drink with 1/5 of it being green tea, a quarter macchiato, one-third cappuccino, half decaf, with three shots of espresso, exactly half a tablespoon cinnamon, low cal whipped cream, and no less than 15 chocolate sprinkles and no more than 18. Do you have that? I don’t see you writing it down.” A overly caffinated woman wearing a team USA uniform scolded as Gail rubbed her temple as she grabbed a large cup; she was debating telling the woman that 1/5, ¼, 1/3 and ½ didn’t add up correctly to one whole but she wasn’t in the mood to argue with her.
I don’t know. I used some of my tax refund to get Bayonetta for the Switch (because the rest is all going to bills, food, and vet visits) and it came yesterday and I played some of it when I couldn’t sleep. And naturally, everything goes to Gail and Holly in my head.
Gail knew she had a problem with jealousy. She’d learned to accept this about herself and she tried to work on it all the time. However, she was used to being jealous of her favorite people getting attention from other people. What was happening in front of her was something completely foreign to her.
“Holly.”
“Mmhm?”
“Holly,” said Gail again, this time more sternly.
Holly pressed a button then looked up at Gail from her Switch. It was the first time she’d really looked up at Gail in the past few hours. Granted Gail had been more than happy to play her own game for the first hour, Holly was normally all over at this point kissing her and telling her how cute she was. Gail always pushed her away but now she realized how much she actually liked the interruptions.
“Hi,” said Gail.
“Hi?”
Holly tilted her head as she furrowed her brow.
“How’s the game?”
“Oh,” said Holly as she looked down at her game before looking back up at Gail. “Good. It’s really cool being able to play this on a handheld system.”
Gail nodded while pursing her lips. Holly smirked when it dawned on her what was happening. She put the Switch down on the charger she had sitting on a side table before she crawled across the couch and straddled Gail’s lap. Gail just crossed her arms and continued to stare at Holly in a way she hoped conveyed disappointment though really she just looked like she was pouting.
“Awww are you jealous of Bayonetta, sweetie?”
“No,” lied Gail. “That would be childish.”
Holly put her arms on either side of Gail’s head and leaned in stopping just short of her lips. Gail hated this game. She always lost. Gail didn’t like losing. Even if it was to Holly.
“No?”
“Nope.”
“Okay good I’m in the middle of a boss fight,” said Holly as she hopped off Gail and plopped down next to her on the couch before reaching over for her Switch.
“Hey!” shouted Gail as she wrapped her hands around Holly’s waist and pulled her back.
Now Holly was sitting in Gail’s lap facing away from her but Gail could still see the giant smile on Holly’s face from the side. Holly started laughing as she reached one hand back and ran her fingers through Gail’s hair.
“I lied,” said Gail to Holly’s shoulder.
“I know.” Holly turned enough to kiss Gail on the forehead. “Cutie.”
Gail stuck her tongue out.
Holly turned back around in Gail’s lap and kissed her jealous girlfriend. When she pulled back she kissed her cheek then near her ear.
“Let’s dance,” said Holly in a low playful tone that made Gail smirk and roll her eyes as she pushed Holly away.
“Don’t use lines from video games to get into my pants,” said Gail.
“Why not?” Holly grabbed Gail’s hands and held them behind Gail’s head against the arm of the couch. She leaned back in and kissed Gail. “It works every time.”
“I’ll have a large drink with 1/5 of it being green tea, a quarter macchiato, one-third cappuccino, half decaf, with three shots of espresso, exactly half a tablespoon cinnamon, low cal whipped cream, and no less than 15 chocolate sprinkles and no more than 18. Do you have that? I don’t see you writing it down.” A overly caffinated woman wearing a team USA uniform scolded as Gail rubbed her temple as she grabbed a large cup; she was debating telling the woman that 1/5, ¼, 1/3 and ½ didn’t add up correctly to one whole but she wasn’t in the mood to argue with her.
You’d think Gail would be used to waking up from blacking out on the ground by now but she wasn’t. Her head was pounding as she slowly opened her eyes, memories of Holly speeding towards the ground causing panic to erupt through her foggy mind. “Holly!” She screamed as she bolted upright. The thought of losing the one person that she cared for was more painful than crash landing.
“I’m okay… I’m fine.” Holly soothed as Gail realized that the young doctor was straddling her lap. Gail reached out to touch Holly to be sure that she was real; her fingers traced to curve of Holly’s cheek and down her neck to grasp her by the shoulder.
“How are you alive? I watched you fall…I stood here and watched you plummet to the ground…"Gail choked out as her eyes started to water.
Holly reached up and placed her own hand over Gail’s. “You saved me. One second I’m up the tree and the next I was falling. I thought for sure that it was all over for me but then I just stopped midair, I floated for a bit just above you. You had your hand up and you were staring right into my eyes and…you held me up. Gail you used the force and saved me. It must have taken everything you had because you passed out and I dropped the last few feet onto you. I guess it makes sense I do weigh slightly more than a rolled up sock.” Holly explained.
One of the biggest ship letdowns that I have ever experienced was Gail and Holly. They were literal SOULMATES. Officer Lunchbox. I mean.. it was true love. That shit still has me messed up.
