#plus size series
Soulmate AU: Your vision is in black and white until you meet your soulmate. You and your boyfriend, Steve Rogers, aren’t each others soulmates but you love each other. He introduces you to his friends, the Avengers, and a very odd thing happens.
Characters: Steve Rogers x Plus Size Female Reader, Bucky Barnes x Plus Size Female Reader
Note;this is 10,000 words long! Hope you like it!
Warnings; Reader experiences self-consciousness in changing room, talks about self in a negative light, Reader has what resembles a panic attack, mentions of anxiety/stress, angst, swearing
Taglist: @domainoflostsouls forgetthisbull handon-h-art yourspecialcrush giulsgotmusic mrsbarnes-rogers luosymekawa linzeyzarcone forgetthisbull calamityreads talgra marina-darling btsforlif lamoursansfin classic1985 lovesicksofi fandomsfallnomore thebivirgin classygladiatorcupcake lowlyapprentice mishafaye cececolbert trenchcoatedwhiskers janetgenea scoobertdoobert2 vivalakatee buckybeefybarnes@distinguishedgardenroadbonk
The next morning, Natasha woke you up with coffee at around 10am. “Oh, it’s late,” you realised as you sipped at the coffee as she perched on the edge of your bed. Usually you’d be awake earlier than this but today was different.
“Yeah, I thought I’d let you sleep since you’ve had an emotional couple of days,” Nat said with a shrug, “Plus I heard you having a late night phone call…” She eyed you curiously. You didn’t know why you think you hide these things from her, she was Natasha bloody Romanoff; of course she would find out! She nudged your knee with her elbow, “Who was it?”
“Who do you think it was?”
“Bucky?”
“Steve.”
Her eyebrows rose. She really hadn’t been expecting that answer, “Go on.” You relayed the conversation from last night back to Natasha. If her eyebrows could be raised more, they’d be hitting the ceiling by now, “He wants you to talk to Bucky?!”
“That was my reaction!”
“Wow, he’s either really confident in your relationship or really fucking stupid… Are you gonna call Barnes?”
After thinking about it last night, you decided that you were going to give yourself some breathing room for a couple of days, just to process everything and to breathe. The last four weeks had been extremely intense and my god, all you wanted was to pretend things were normal again, at least for a few hours, “Not right away,” you shook your head, “I just need some time to breathe, Nat, you know?”
Nat knew how overwhelming this situation had been for you and she knew exactly what would help. She grinned behind her mug and you immediately knew that she had a plan, “Finish your coffee and then put a cute outfit on. We’re going shopping.”
“Fury told me to keep a low profile,” you said with a shake of your head.
She rolled her eyes, “So? I’m not scared of him. Hurry up.” She scampered off, probably to get dressed. Honestly a shopping trip with Nat sounded exactly like what you needed right now. Some retail therapy with your best friend sounded perfect so you did exactly as she told you to, you finished your coffee and put on a cute outfit.
Getting past what seemed like a million SHIELD agents was difficult, they asked so many questions and tried to keep sending an agent with you but with Natasha there to bullshit some excuse and to put them in their place, you were granted permission to leave your apartment complex. The fresh air on your face as you left the building gave you new life, it twirled into your hair and breathed cold in your lungs. You ignored Nat’s comment of ‘jeez, it’s like you’ve never been outside before’. It just felt good to be out, to not be reminded of Steve or Bucky every two seconds.
Nat let you pick the music and of course, of course, you had to put on some cheesy songs. The redhead couldn’t help but laugh as the Backstreet Boy’s ‘Everybody’ boomed through the speakers of her car, “Everybody, yeah, rock your body, yeah!” The two of you sang loudly without a care in the world. There’s something special in moments like this; being free with people you love, being free with your favourite people in the world. The two of you sang the whole way to the mall, singing loud and completely out of tune but laughing all the while. You’d probably always remember this moment, as you glanced over at her as she hit a high note, relishing in the way she smiled and the way she laughed. She was incredible.
“Nat,” you said turning the music down all of a sudden as she pulled into a parking space, “Thank you.” You couldn’t really find the words you wanted to say. You’d wanted to tell her so much, express so much gratitude towards her but all you could manage were those two words.
Nat knew. It was the same two words uttered in that very same tone when she thanked Clint for helping her out instead of killing her; it was the words of someone who was stuck being pulled out and helped along by a friend. She smiled, “You can thank me by buying me breakfast.”
The mall was pretty quiet which you appreciated, you couldn’t have coped had it been busy, you preferred it quiet. You let Nat lead you into a shop and immediately, you were just ambushed with colour, “Holy shit,” you whispered. Nat looked at you curiously, “I’ve been so wrapped up in everything that I forgot about colours,” you beamed, “They’re so bright and colourful!” You ran your hand over a rack of brightly coloured t-shirts, “I can’t even tell you what half of these colours even are!”
Natasha laughed at how excited you were getting. She could see you falling back into yourself; turning back into the old you, you from four weeks ago, “Colours are pretty incredible, aren’t they? Now you don’t have to message everyone asking if an outfit goes together!”
You couldn’t help but laugh as you pulled things off the racks and into your arms, “I feel one million times better already.” Nat smiled, “What’s your favourite colour?”
Natasha thought for a moment before answering, “This colour,” she said, pulling out a deep red dress, “Red.” You asked why, “I feel like I love it and hate it. It’s the colour of blood, reminding me of the people I killed, it’s also the colour of love; it reminds me of my mistakes and my weaknesses but reminds me of my heart and my kindness… Also it helps that red looks fucking great on me.”
“True.”
“What’s yours?”
“I like red too,” you said as your hands fell on a long sleeved blue t-shirt that resembled the first colour you saw, “but blue is my favourite.” Deepblue.Bucky’s blue. You didn’t tell her that though, you just left it at ‘blue’.
Nat picked out a couple of items for you, things that you didn’t think would be that flattering on you, but all she had to do was smile at you and you’d cave to her demands. She’d picked out a brown leather skirt for you that clung to your curves and a slightly oversized cardigan to wear with it. You stood in the changing room staring into the mirror, hands on your stomach trying to pull the fat up and out the way, trying to morph your appearance to look like the models… No use. You had a stomach which hung over and protruded. You sighed heavily. Being plus size was something you’d come to terms with, you liked it and you liked your body but there was something about standing in a changing room after thinking an outfit would look different on you and you try it on and you notice your bumps, lumps and rolls and you just feel… disappointed? In your childhood years of growing up plus size and thinking something would fit you different would usually end up with you crying in the changing rooms, something that you refused to do today but it didn’t mean you felt confident in everything you wore. You felt bad for feeling badly about yourself but insecurities crept up on you like that. You liked the outfit that Nat picked but you just wished that you liked it on you.
“You’ve been in there for ages, show me,” Nat said from the other side of the door, breaking you out of your thoughts.
“I…” you faltered, “I’m not going to get this one.”
She could tell that there was a twinge of something different in your voice, “There’s no one else out here, just me and you,” she said quietly, “I bet it’s not even half bad. Show me and maybe we can workshop it.”
Knowing that she wouldn’t give up until you showed her, you opened the changing room door. Nat grinned, “You look amazing!” She saw you roll your eyes and frowned, “I’m being serious. Look at the way it hugs your hips highlighting your waist looking like an hourglass up in here!” You turned back around to look in the mirror when she gasped, “And your ass! Perfection.”
“I hate the way it shows off my stomach,” you frowned, taking a deep breath in and sucking your stomach in, “Just… doesn’t look nice. It’s hard because I try so hard to be kind to myself and to love myself but sometimes… sometimes I just wished I looked like you.” It was true. Self-love was a journey that you’d be on for the rest of your life. There would be times you’d be content with your appearance and other times where you wouldn’t be. It was hard to say the least.
The redhead’s frown deepened, “You know, I have things that I don’t really like about myself all the time too.” Her voice was quieter and you could just tell that was being open and honest, “I used to really hate my scars, sometimes I still do. The shiny smooth ones are fine but some scars are fucking ugly, they stick out and they’re still pink even after years. Sometimes I’m like ‘fuck yeah these tell a story’ and other time I disgust myself… We’re constant works in progress and that’s okay.” You took a few seconds to soak in her words, “Just know that I think you look fucking incredible in this outfit and I know that a certain two other people would absolutely agree with me if they were here.” Would they? You thought to yourself as you looked in the mirror again. She was right, your ass looked great it in and the way it hugged your hips and waist looked great… “Why don’t you get it and try being kinder to yourself? If you really hate it in a week then you can take it back.”
“Okay,” you said with a nod, “I’ll take it and I’ll work on being a bit kinder to myself.” You weren’t 100% in love with it but stepping out of your comfort zone was the only way that you might gain some more confidence.
Nat grinned, pulling you in for a half hug, “You look amazing, you deserve to feel that way… Let’s go check out and then you can buy me breakfast because I am starving.”
Two days had passed since your shopping trip with Nat which meant it was four days since Steve had left your shared apartment. Not much had happened really. You’d been working on self-love and you kept the skirt even though you still weren’t absolutely sure yet. Steve had messaged you yesterday to check on you, the conversation was short and sweet pretty much checking in and that was it. You didn’t need more like the first night, you had accepted the ending of things and had accepted that you both needed some space. For now, that was okay. Having Natasha stay made a huge difference and you truly didn’t think you would’ve gotten through the last few days without her. Natasha had stayed for the last two nights, offering sarcastic advice, hugs and some crappy chick flicks.
You’d been sitting eating breakfast when she got a phone call from Fury to ask for her help on a mission that started immediately. She’d be on the mission with her two favourite guys (as she put it) and she was pretty happy about that, you’d smiled when you saw her face light up. “I love seeing you happy,” you told her as she grabbed her bag to pack it.
She smiled at you but after a second it turned sad, “I miss seeing you happy.”
“Right now,” you said, taking a long sip of coffee, “I’m happy. I have you, coffee and blankets. What more could I possibly need?” Humour could only mask your true feelings for a short breath of laughter before Nat grew serious.
“Are you going to be okay? Do you want me to call Steve or someone?” She frowned, wrinkling her forehead with worry lines.
You swatted the air with your hand, “Stop worrying about me. I’m going to have a day of self-care and I think… I think I might call Bucky.”
She blinked, “There’s a development.”
With a shrug, you said, “I can’t stop thinking about what Steve said. He told me it would be good to call Bucky, to clear the air and to talk about everything.”
“If you do, let me know how it goes.”
“You’ll be the first one to hear about it,” you laughed as she finished packing her things, “I hope your mission goes okay, you better text me in a couple days to let me know you’re all safe.”
“I will, I promise.” Nat wrapped you in a tight hug, unusual for her to be so affectionate but with you it was different, “Whatever happens, I support you and your decisions.” She pulled back, smiling, “I better hear all the details of this phone call and if it leads to anything else…” She waggled her eyebrows with a laugh making you roll your eyes.
“Get outta here, Romanoff. Go make out with your man instead.”
“Oh, my pleasure.” She turned before she left, “If you go out with Barnes, wear that skirt. Trust me.”
You spent the rest of the morning doing what you’d said you’d do (aka self-care) and trying not to think about the other thing you said you’d do (aka calling Bucky). You had showered, washed your hair, done a face mask, dried your hair and even cleaned the kitchen top to bottom. All of this was to avoid calling a certain dark haired super solider. You’d been forcing him out of your thoughts all morning, feeling a pit of guilt in your stomach. You knew that Steve wanted you to do this, you knew that you wanted to do this but still it made you feel terrible.
With a sigh, you decided that it was now or never. You wanted to fix things with Steve so you were going to call Bucky and prove to yourself that there was nothing there, that you wanted Steve more. Once you’d done that, life could return to how it used to be when you lived a life without colour. Tapping your foot nervously, you scrolled through your contacts and pressed on ‘Bucky’, hesitating to lift it to your ear. As it rang, you held your breath, anxiously waiting.
He picked up on the second ring, “(y/n)?” Without even meaning to you visibly relaxed upon hearing his voice, “I didn’t think I’d be hearing from you again.” He couldn’t contain his surprise. After the hospital, he really genuinely believed that he wouldn’t see or hear from you again. Steve had reached out again to apologise and to check up but Bucky didn’t think you’d be calling him. Bucky was used to people just shutting him down so he thought that’s what you were doing and he had made peace with it. So when he saw your name pop up on his phone, he was rather taken back.
“Bucky…” You didn’t know what to say. To be honest, you hadn’t planned out what you were going to say. All you knew was that you were going to phone him but you had no idea what you were actually going to say.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah… no…” You rubbed your hand against your face in anguish, almost wishing you hadn’t called him.
“Which one is it?” He teased.
You squeezed your eyes shut as you told him, “I ended things with Steve.” He had to know, this was the whole point of this. You had to get to tell Bucky and get to know him more, get your head sorted out.
“Oh.” There was a long pause before he spoke again, you waited with bated breath, “How… How are you?”
“Confused,” you said with a frown, “Really fucking confused.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, (y/n).” He meant it. He really was sorry to hear that you and Steve had broken up. He couldn’t imagine that It would be a particularly nice feeling to go through so he felt for the two of you, “Can I ask what happened?”
“Can you come break me out of Fort Knox and I’ll tell you over a cup of coffee?” What am I doing?! Did I just ask Bucky Barnes to take me on a coffee date?! Your heart hammered in your chest as you waited for his response.
Bucky gave a breath of surprised laughter, “I, uh, sure. Yeah, my pleasure. I’ll be there shortly, okay?”
“Yeah, thanks Buck.” You hung up, smiling despite yourself, “Oh fuck!” You realised, almost dropping your phone, “What do I wear?!”
Rushing to the bedroom to dig through your closet, you tried to ignore the bubble of nerves that was forming in your stomach. This needed to happen; it was the only way forwards so you’d need to get through the uncomfortableness and just talk to the man. Those three weeks with him, you became something more than strangers and that meant something to you so you knew that you could open up and be honest with Bucky. If he didn’t reciprocate or if you didn’t feel it then that would be settled and you could move on. If he did reciprocate and you felt more for him then… you’d cross that bridge if you had to but right now, you focused on just getting through the day. You remembered what Natasha had said and you looked to your bed where the skirt and oversized cardigan were. Closing your eyes, you mentally gave yourself a talking to before putting the skirt and cardigan on. When you looked in the mirror, a part of you wanted to immediately take it off but after having a rather lovely few days with your best friend, you decided to listen to her and ignore yourself. You would wear the skirt and the cardigan and that would be that. You’d put some tights and boots on with it, a jacket and that would be the outfit complete. Natasha had assured you that Bucky (and Steve) would love this outfit, you were interested to see if he did love it as much as she predicted. You’d styled your hair earlier but gave it one last brush through to make sure it was okay and it was then you realised that you weren’t just nervous to see and tell Bucky what you needed to tell him… No, you were nervous for him to see you, for him to tell you his side of things… You were nervous about what he was going to say and how he was going to react.
Before you could really get anxious about what was going to happen, you heard a knock but it wasn’t from your front door. Peering out of your bedroom, you realised that it was coming from the living room window where you could see a metal arm knocking at your window with Bucky crouching and looking in. “Unbelievable,” you whispered as you laughed and shook your head. You rushed over to the window, laughing as you pulled it upwards, “What the hell?”
“You wanted me to rescue you from Fort Knox, aka your apartment complex, and I gotta tell you, I don’t feel like a million agents questioning where we’re going and what we’re gonna do,” Bucky said with a shrug, “so I climbed up your fire escape.”
“You realise that there’s no way I’m getting down there. The bottom floor’s ladder’s been broke for months and it’s a story drop down. No way. We’ll go through the agents.”
Bucky rolled his eyes, “You forgetting that I’m a super solider?”
“So?”
“Soit means I can jump and land without any injury. I’ll carry you, c’mon.” He stuck his arms through the window but you leapt backwards.
“No way!” You swatted his hands away, “Barnes, most people pretend to not notice when I mention it but I’m heavier than your average woman in New York City. I’m not tiny and light, I’m fat and heavy. I’ll go through the agents, you can jump.”
Bucky had to admit, the way you were and how you acted was a breath of fresh air. He stifled a laugh, “I don’t give a damn about your weight, (y/n),” he said, raising an eyebrow, “Finest woman in all of New York. Now will you just let me carry you down? I have super strength but even without it I’d still be able to carry you. Have you seen my muscles?” He flexed though through his leather jacket you couldn’t see his muscles but you could see the bulge in the material. God forgive me.
You were a little taken aback by not only his bantering but what he said about you. Finest woman in all of New York. Was he flirting with you? Didn’t matter if he was because you were notabout to be lifted by him, no way. Bucky frowned, seeing something behind your eyes change, “(y/n)?”
“I… I hate when people lift me. Always makes me terrified they’ll comment on my weight.” Your mind flashed back to when you were younger with a boy you fancied the hell out of and he’d went to give you a piggyback ride when he started making all sorts of comments about how heavy you were and how much you weighed and telling you to go on a diet. It hurt you more than you expected it too and even now, totally comfortable with your size and happy with yourself; it still affected you. When you’re a kid, those things stick and you weren’t sure if they’d ever become unstuck.
Bucky’s face softened, “You can go that way if you want but I promise you, I’m not going to drop you. I promise I can take your weight, it’s nothing to me, I assure you. I promise I also won’t comment on your weight or anything like that. We’ll jump down, I’ll let you go and I’ll drive us some place.” After a moment’s consideration, you nodded, “Yeah?” Bucky asked, a smile slowly forming on his lips, “You trust me?” Again, you nodded.
Carefully, he helped you climb out of the window and cleared his throat as you stood in front of him, “How do you want to do this? Piggyback or..?” He reached his arms out, suggesting that he just pick you up. You shrugged and Bucky took this as a sign to just go for it. In one swift, smooth motion, he’d crouched, put his hand under your knees and the other on your back and easily swept you off of your feet.
Shocked, you let out a string of curse words, grabbing onto him tightly and hiding your face in his chest, “You need to warn me first!” You exclaimed, voice muffled by his chest.
Bucky laughed, shaking your head against him, “That was much more fun. Let’s go.” You held on tight and Bucky gave you one last gentle reminder, “I’ve got you, you’re okay.” You appreciated that he had been so gentle with you, easing you into it but not forceful in the slightest. You were also impressed with how easily he could pick you up. You took a long breath, secretly enjoying the smell of his cologne and the feeling of his toned chest pressed against your face. You’d almost forgotten about what was about to happen until you felt the wind flying through your hair and your stomach dropped at the sensation of you falling. Without realising, you let out a high pitched yelp, gripping onto him tighter and within a second, you felt the impact of him landing on solid ground.
“See?” He said, “Not so bad!”
Slowly, you released your grip on his shoulder, looking up at him and shaking your head, “Never again.” He had to admit, he enjoyed holding you like this. He enjoyed the closeness of the two of you, enjoyed the way you hid in his chest, the way as he jumped he got a whiff of your perfume, hints of fruits and florals was a smell that almost intoxicated him. The way you looked up at him was something that made him smile.
You realised that the pair of you were just staring up at each other not saying anything and not doing anything. You cleared your throat, feeling your cheeks burn in embarrassment, and Bucky nodded curtly before bending and putting you back on your feet. “Over here,” he said gruffly as he led you to his car.
It was awkward as he drove. As you glanced over at him you couldn’t help but be taken back to around four weeks ago when he was taking you away from your picture perfect life and driving into the unknown. So much had changed in that short space of time. Your hands fidgeted with the sleeves of your cardigan, Bucky noticed and shifted in his seat, “Anywhere you wanna go in particular?” He asked after a few minutes, “Or do you just want me to pick?”
“Wherever,” you said with a small smile, “you pick.”
Once again silence fell. Closing your eyes, you leant your head against the headrest and just let yourself get lost in your thoughts for a bit. Your thoughts kept bouncing back to the words he’d said, ‘Finest woman in all of New York’, you wondered if he meant it. Bucky glanced over at you and he instantly knew that you were deep in thought. Bucky observed a lot more than he said usually. He knew that you were thinking by the way your brow furrowed and you gnawed at your bottom lip, a habit he saw you do when living in the safe house. He turned his attention back onto the road.
“Did you mean it?” You blurted out, catching him by surprise, “What you said?”
“Uh, what did I say? Jog an old man’s memory.”
“When I was talking about my weight and you said, ‘finest woman in all of New York’, was that about me? Did you mean that?”
It took everything in Bucky to hide his smile and to focus on staring ahead at the road. Inside, he was throwing a party in his head. Something he’d said stuck with you, it struck a chord with you, it had you thinkingabouthim. Bucky loved to know that you were stuck in thought, mulling over his words from ten minutes ago. He loved that you were thinking about him. He’d stopped denying his feelings for you to himself, there was no point in hiding them anyway since the whole world could practically tell just by looking at him when he was near you. He knew that what he felt for you ran deep and true. He wasn’t sure if you had feelings for him but hearing you ask him if a compliment he paid you ten minutes prior was truthful, it sparked some hope in Bucky’s heart that maybe you thought about him just as much as he thought about you.
He nodded, glancing over at you to find that you looked absolutely mortified as you waited for his answer. You were scared of what he would say, if he didn’t mean it then you’d feel like an absolute idiot for doing this, “Yeah,” he said, eyes scanning over you as his tongue darted out of his mouth to lick his lower lip, “and I meant it. Hell, I’d go so far to say you’re the finest woman in the world.” He turned back to the road but his attention was on you. He watched you from the corner of his eye, watched as your jaw dropped open, watched as your cheeks tinged pink and the way your eyes widened. Hope had never burned like this inside of him.
“Okay,” you murmured quietly, “good.”
He wasn’t finished, “And don’t get me started on your outfit,” he said with a slight chuckle, “It suits you so well, hugs you in all the right places… You look gorgeous, doll.”
Fuck.Fuck.
You couldn’t hide the smile that tugged your lips upwards and you could barely control your racing heart. Bucky could practically feel the heat radiating from your cheeks, he smiled, “I… Thank you,” you said quietly, unsure of what to say or how to react; all you could do was smile like a lovesick schoolgirl.
Once again, silence encapsulated the two of you but it’s not awkward or uncomfortable, it’s pleasant which is a weird change of pace but not a bad change. It’s not long before Bucky’s parking the car and you both climb out. You know that you’re downtown but you’re not exactly sure where you are. As you get of the car, Bucky appears in front of you, “We can grab some coffee and walk around?” He suggests, “I know some nice places we can walk through.”
Bucky leads you through the car park and after a few minutes of walking, you come across a street vendor, “Ah! Bucky!” The vendor, a middle aged Italian man, grins, clapping Bucky on the shoulder, “Usual?”
“Make it two, Antonio, thanks.” Bucky turns to you, “Best coffee in New York City right here.”
“Who is this?” The man called ‘Antonio’ asks with a knowing smile as he prepares the coffee.
Bucky rolls his eyes, “This is my friend. (y/n).”
“Friend, hm,” Antonio smirks, “Pleasure to meet you, (y/n).”
“You too,” you say with a small smile, feeling a little awkward.
It doesn’t take long before Antonio is handing you and Bucky a coffee, “Try it,” he encourages. Bucky laughs at him, murmuring an apology for his intense Italian coffee vendor friend.
You take a sip and immediately take another, “This is so good!” You gape, “It’s so rich and creamy and I need more.” You take another long drag.
Antonio smiles, satisfied with your answer, “She’s a keeper, Bucky,” he teases, “See? I have the best coffee in New York. You’re always welcome to come back for more! This man does.” He gestures to Bucky who hands him ten bucks and tells him to keep the change, “Don’t be strangers!”
“This really is so good,” you say as you and Bucky walk away from the vendor, “How’d you find out about it?”
Bucky takes a sip of his coffee before answering, “I asked him for directions and he enticed me with his world class coffee. I go there most days to get more coffee from him actually.” You walk together and your hyper aware that your elbow keeps bumping into his. Even though the two of you have jackets on, knowing that no skin is touching, it sends your mind and heart into a frenzy. Holy shit, what is going on with me?! Calm down, (y/n)! Bucky notices it too. He notices that your elbows keep bumping with every four to six steps, he even counted the steps. He breathes deeply through his nose knowing that he’s doomed; he’s too far gone and he knows it. All he can do is hope that you’re right there with him.
“Back in the 30s this was just a flat bit of land,” he says after a few minutes gesturing over to an area which is now home to skyscrapers, “The fair used to come to town every summer. I remember going on the Ferris Wheel with Steve,” the mention of his name doesn’t send a zap of guilt through you, it’s nice actually, nice to know that you can mention him. It’s not like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, it’s comfortable knowing you can talk about your now ex-boyfriend without it being too weird, “he was so skinny I thought he was gonna just slip right out from under the metal bar. He was having a great time.”
“But you weren’t?”
He grimaced, “Was sick as soon as I got off it. I dunno, heights have never been my thing.” He pushes the memories of falling off of the train away, he doesn’t need to talk about that today. He’s alive and he’s here with you not in an awful memory.
“Must be pretty weird seeing the city change so much, remembering how it was to looking at how it is now.” You’d had a similar conversation with Steve about a week into your relationship. Steve missed how it was, he always did.
“Eh, it’s not so bad anymore,” he shrugged, “It’s a reminder to me that change is necessary.” Steve spoke about the past like it was an old friend. Bucky spoke about the past like it was a stranger, like it was something he was trying to outrun, “I don’t like to dwell on the past too much, only the good stuff.” You completely understand. From what you’ve heard from Steve about Bucky’s Winter Solider days, it sounded completely horrific and you understood completely why he’d want to run from the past. He was always trying to outrun his past in a society that constantly reminded him of his past.
It’s not long before the two of you walk through a public park and find a bench to sit on. It reminds you of a couple of weeks ago, sitting on the bench at the duck pond. Bucky thinks the same, “A lot’s happened in four weeks, huh?” He asks quietly.
You scoff, “You can say that again.” You pause before continuing, “I wouldn’t say it’s all been bad though. I mean getting kidnapped and having to move to a different country with a stranger and then having to nearly kill a guy was pretty rough…” The two of you let out a quiet laugh over your shared trauma, “but yeah…” your knees graze against each other’s, “it wasn’t all bad.”
Bucky’s eyes are staring at you so intensely and you feel your breath catching in your throat. There’s your secret favourite colour, the first colour you ever saw, Bucky Barnes’s eyes. You want to kiss him, you want him to kiss you but not here. He wants to kiss you, god the pull is so fucking strong and he doesn’t know if he can restrain himself this time. That is until you announce, “I want to go.” What the fuck, (y/n)? Your announcement shocks the pair of you. You close your eyes and shake your head as Bucky immediately recoils, peeling away from you, “I-I… I need to talk to you but not here.” You look around and then back to him, “I want to keep hanging out though I didn’t mean that-”
He cuts over your nervous rambling, “Where do you want to go? Back to your apartment?”
Quickly, you shake your head, “No, it’s…” Full of memories with Steve, “got a million SHIELD agents surrounding it and I’d rather not.” Half-truth, “Can we go to yours?”
Bucky feels a bubble of what feels like nervousness build in his stomach but he’s always been good at repressing shit so he pushes it down, stamps on it mentally until he can’t feel it anymore. He nods, “Sure, let’s go.” He’s colder, not icy but just a little colder. You’d offended him, you realise, as you walk back to his car, dumping your empty coffee cup in a trash can. Well, shit.
The drive to his apartment is silent and you’re mentally scolding yourself for how you’d reacted. You’d panicked and it was the first thing out of your mouth, it came out before you could think about it. You hoped that you could explain yourself back at Bucky’s apartment. Bucky’s not mad at you, hell he’s not even offended, but that bubble of nerves that he tried to stamp away is back and it’s bigger and it’s growing.
Truth is that Bucky’s terrified. No one, not even Steve, had been inside Bucky’s apartment. When Steve came over the other day, Bucky kept him at the front door before moving to the bar across the street. No one had been in Bucky’s apartment and it terrified him that you were about to see it. Showing you his apartment made Bucky feel vulnerable, made him feel weak and he didn’t like that. He wasn’t used to feeling vulnerable, it was an unnatural feeling that he hadn’t felt in decades… Though, he realises, if he was going to feel vulnerable with anyone it would be with you.
The drive back doesn’t take long and before you know it, he’s pulled into the apartment carpark. Quietly, you take a long breath, trying to calm down your racing heartbeat. You’re only going to his apartment to tell him why you and Steve broke up, it’s not like anything is going to happen… You’re nervous but you’re hopeful that once you’re in Bucky’s apartment your nerves will die down.
Neither of you speak as you leave the car and head into the apartment complex. He leads you to the elevator and your foot taps impatiently as you ride up to his apartment floor (he lives on the fifth floor you learn). Bucky’s too busy dealing with his own nerves to realise that you’re shit scared as well. The elevator dings and the doors slide open and Bucky takes a breath, “Let’s go.” It’s the first two words uttered in twenty minutes and you barely notice.
You follow him along the hallway until he stops outside of a door with the number 532 on it. He takes his keys out of his pockets and unlocks the door. He opens it and holds it open for you to go in first. Once you’re in, he shuts the door behind you, twisting the lock, and flicks on the light switch. His shoulders are tense as he looks to you for your reaction.
Bucky’s apartment is… bare. His kitchen is at the front and beyond that is his living room which has a small sofa, one dining chair and a small side table – you take a few steps into the living room, eyes falling to one item in particular, “You kept the blanket.” Your voice is a mere whisper. On the floor to the left of the couch is a makeshift bed much like the one you’d seen Bucky sleep in during your time in Estonia. You glance at him, almost teary eyed, “You kept the blanket,” you repeat, voice a little louder so that he can hear you.
He frowns, crinkling his forehead, as he tries to figure out your reaction and how you feel. You’re in awe, staring at him in complete awe and he’s not used to it; he’s never had someone look at him like that, “Yeah,” he nods, voice quiet, “It reminds me of you. Helps bring me back down after a nightmare.” The atmosphere shifts.
Oh, Bucky.
You didn’t say anything, you didn’t really know how to respond so instead you sat on the couch. Bucky shrugged off his leather jacket exposing his arms to you, one normal and one metal. He was fucking buff.You couldn’t help but notice the way his chest flexed as he draped his jacket over the singular dining chair. The way he looked at you, so expectedly and waiting for you to tell him what you needed to tell him, stressed you out. Fidgeting with your fingers, your heart beats hard inside your ribcage. How were you supposed to start this conversation? Your mind was racing with one hundred different thoughts. What am I supposed to say? What if he reacts badly? Instead of just starting at the beginning, your anxiety got the best of you and you blurted out, “Why don’t you sleep in the bedroom?”
Bucky knew that you were nervous, he was nervous too but he could sense your uneasiness, your inability to communicate your thoughts effectively; he could read you pretty easy and this whole blurting out things abruptly was just your nerves. He raised his eyebrows as he fought the urge to laugh at the abruptness. You wanted the ground to swallow you whole. He cleared his throat, “I, uh, you can go into the bedroom, it’s got a wardrobe and a mattress on the floor. I tried sleeping on the mattress a few times but being in there, being away from the front door… I get paranoid that someone’s going to barge into my apartment. If I’m sleeping here, on the floor in the living room, I mean it’s not a pretty set up but if anything was to happen, I’m right here.” You understood. That first night back in yours and Steve’s apartment was tense, you’d had your eyes on the bedroom door almost the whole time. You understood why he’d set his apartment up this way.
“Sorry I didn’t mean to…”
“Word vomit,” Bucky mused, a hint of a smile on his lips.
“Yeah,” you said with a small laugh, “exactly.”
“Since you asked a question, I get to ask one now,” he said as he leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, “What happened between you and Steve?”
Even though you knew exactly what he was going to ask and yet it still feel like he’d knocked the wind right out of your sails. You decided to just be honest with him, the truth would come out eventually and although in the moment you were terrified to tell him, you knew it was better to be honest, “After the meeting with Fury after hearing and seeing the way Steve reacted to you and how explosive he got… Steve’s just not like that, you know better than anyone that Steve is usually so calm and collected about everything and seeing that… It scared me.”
“He scared you?” Bucky asked with a frown.
“I mean… yeah? Not him, I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me but I thought that he was going to hurt you.” Bucky had to admit that hearing you say that you were worried about him, it was pretty damn sweet, “I…” You took a breath as you tried to control your racing heart, “Even though I know that you and Steve are fine, I know that he apologised and your friendship is okay now but it… He was annoyed at you over me, you both fought because of me and I couldn’t- I can’t risk breaking up your friendship.”
Bucky shook his head quickly, “What happened with me and Steve it was nothing. I don’t think anything could split us up.”
“I just couldn’t but… it wasn’t the only reason I ended things with him.” Bucky’s eyebrows raised ever so slightly as he waited for you to continue. He felt that unfamiliar feeling of hope in his stomach as you spoke, “Before we met, I was so happy with my life with Steve. I could easily see myself marrying him and spending the rest of my life with him, you know?” Bucky nodded. It hurt him to hear you say that but he understood, he knew how serious yours and Steve’s relationship was.
“Has that changed?”
“… Yeah, it has.” You shifted in your seat finding it too difficult to look Bucky in the eye so instead you focused your attention to your fidgeting hands, “We got closer in Estonia, didn’t we?” Closer meaning that I fell in love with you…
“Yeah, you could say that.”
“And there’s no point in denying it since we can now see colour. We’re soulmates, Bucky, and that means something.” He licked his lips, watching your every move. He drank in the way you looked right now, speaking from the heart though absolutely terrified, he loved the honesty that poured out of yourself right now, “I can’t speak for you, I don’t know how you feel but… ugh.” You rubbed your face annoyed that you couldn’t find the right words, “Let me start again. Before we left for Estonia, Steve gave me a letter.”
You were too busy trying to explain the situation to Bucky that you never realised his expression changing. A look of shock and realisation transformed Bucky’s face, raising his eyebrows and parting his lips ever so slightly, “A letter?” He asked. You nodded, “What was the letter about?” He knew. He knew but he needed you to say it. He hadn’t realised at the time that the letter is what you carried out to the car after HYDRA broke into the safe house, he hadn’t realised it was a letter from Steve.
“Steve had told me to only open the letter if…” You felt sick. You couldn’t say it, the words just wouldn’t come out of your mouth.
It was your turn to be shocked when Bucky took his wallet out of his pocket and pulled out a creased and crumpled envelope, “He told you to open the letter if you developed feelings… for me.” Raising your head, you finally looked at him. What the fuck? You noticed the letter in his hand and he continued, “Yeah, Steve gave me one too. He told me to open it if I… if I developed feelings for you.”
You stared at the letter in his hands, trying to figure out this curveball, and then you realised something else. The letter, albeit crumpled and creased having being folded and crushed inside his wallet, was torn open at the top, “It’s-It’s open.”What does that mean? You knew what that meant but honestly, you didn’t believe it. Steve hadn’t told you that he’d also written a letter for Bucky. You wondered what his letter said, what things Steve would talk about in Bucky’s letter.
Bucky looked at it, remembering exactly when he opened it and remembering the relief and comfort those words held for him, “Yeah, it’s open… What about yours?” Part of him doesn’t want to know in fear of rejection but when you nod and tell him that you opened your letter as well, the relief that floods through him is insane. The hope that he’s been trying to ignore all day burns bright and makes him shift in his seat. What did it all mean now? It was pretty clear and yet neither of you could fully comprehend it. You’d both just told the other that you had feelings for them, though never using those words but you’d both just admitted it and now… now you had no clue what to do.
You felt sick. The stress and the nerves of it all was just too much for you. You took a long breath to try and calm yourself down. It was Bucky who spoke next, “So… you ended things with Steve because of the fight me and him had and because…”
“Because I have feelings for you.” There it was. The admission made you stand up and run your hands over your face, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” You felt as though the air was sucked out of the room, like the panic you’d felt all day was consuming you and taking over your entire body and being. As your breathing increased, Bucky could tell that he had to do something, he had to calm you down before you had some sort of attack. As you flapped your hands in a motion to cool down, Bucky stood and walked to you.
“Hey,” he said softly catching your wrist gently, “you’re okay, just breathe… You’re going to be okay, (y/n).” His hold on your wrist moved down until he was holding your hand, giving you a reassuring squeeze. You stared at it, finding that it provided enough of a distraction to focus on him, “Copy my breathing,” he said, purposefully breathing deeper for you to copy him.
“I-I can’t…” The panic surged, filling you to the brim with dread and anxiety.
“Yes, you can,” Bucky said, voice strong, “You’ve done it before, you can do it now. Focus on me, focus on my voice and my breathing. You’re safe here, (y/n), you’re safe with me.” Bucky lifted your free hand and put it on his chest, “Feel me, feel my breathing.” This had been the second time this scenario had happened and each time, Bucky’s composure remained strong and comforting. He never buckled under the stress or never made you feel like you were alone. He was there with you, in it with you just as much as you were in it. Focusing on the way his chest moved slowly, you tried your hardest to do the same. After a few deep breaths, the panic began to clear and everything began to slow. He continued to give you soft reassurance until it was five minutes later and you were completely calm.
You really didn’t know where to go from here. The two of you were still standing in the middle of his apartment, one hand holding his and one hand on his chest, “Are you alright?” He asked quietly.
“Yeah,” you whispered, “just… It’s just a lot of emotions… Thank you.” Part of you wanted to pull away but there was a burning desire deep within you now that you’d finally accepted the truth.
The room shifted again as Bucky realised that you hadn’t pulled away. Now or never, he thought to himself, “I ignored my feelings for you for a while before I accepted them. It was the night that I read The Hobbit to you and you fell asleep, snoring and drooling in my bed, that I really admitted to myself that I didn’t just have feelings for you but… (y/n),” he used his thumb to tilt your head upwards so that you were looking into those ridiculously blue eyes, “I’m in love with you.” In that moment, all of the fear, the worry, the panic, the anxiety, the stress and the overwhelming emotions faded. Everything negative faded and all you could do was stare up at him and stare into those deep blue eyes. Bucky moved forwards, closing the gap between the two of you, pressing against your body. This was it. The way he looked at you made your stomach flip with excitement. Your hand that was on his chest moved round to hold his bicep as your eyes moved from his eyes to his lips. The desire to kiss him was stronger than anything you’d ever felt. Every single nerve in your body, every atom and every single part of you could feel the pull, could feel that soulmate pull that everyone always told you about.
Bucky’s touch was light and delicate on your cheek. He hadn’t touched a person in this way in decades, hadn’t felt the gentle touch of someone else in decades and it took everything in him to have some self-control and to not lose control here and now, “Can I… kiss you?” He breathed out as he cupped your cheek with so much care. He couldn’t take his eyes away from your lips. His thumb reached over, touching your lips, gently parting them before he raised his eyes to meet yours. You couldn’t speak, the words just weren’t coming, so all you did was nod and slowly, so painfully slowly, Bucky began to lean down towards your lips.
It was then that your phone, which was in your jacket pocket, began to ring loudly. Immediately, you and Bucky jumped apart getting a fright from the harshness of the ringtone. With your cheeks feeling like they were on fire, you turned away from Bucky and took out your phone seeing the one name you dreaded seeing ‘Incoming call from: Steve’. Pressing the green button, you held the phone up to your ear, “Steve,” you said trying to pretend to be happy despite the guilt and the shame felt like it was eating you alive, “Everything okay?” At the mention of Steve’s name, Bucky let out a long sigh, rubbing a hand over his face and through your hair. So close.
“Yeah,” Steve said from the other end of the phone, “I just got a phone call from Agent Hill, she said that some SHIELD agents went up to the apartment to check on you but got no answer so they went in to check you were okay but you’re not there. They said that you hadn’t passed them so before they started a man-hunt, I suggested calling you to check. Where are you?”
“I…” You didn’t want to lie but at the same time you didn’t want to tell Steve the truth. You didn’t want to hurt him but you and Steve had came to a conclusion to be honest and truthful with each other so even with the risk of hurting him you decided that the truth would be better, “I’m okay. Nat left this morning and I needed out of the apartment so I called Bucky.” You glanced over your shoulder to see Bucky watching you, you shared an awkward small smile.
“Oh.” It didn’t hurt Steve as much as he thought it would, he had been preparing himself for this since telling you to reach out to Bucky, “How’d you get out of the apartment though?”
“He… We jumped.”
“You jumped?” Steve asked astounded, “Wow okay. I’m sorry for interrupting, I just needed to check before they sent a search party around New York. Where are you just now?”
You closed your eyes, “At Bucky’s apartment but, uh, I should probably be leaving soon.” You were glad that he couldn’t see you and that you had your back to him. Bucky audibly sighed and you felt like curling into a ball and hiding forever. You didn’t really want to leave, you had wanted Bucky so strongly and so completely but after talking to Steve, you didn’t really feel comfortable with staying at Bucky’s any longer. Bucky felt like the hope he’d had earlier, the hope that burned so big and so bright had been crushed and stamped on until there was nothing left of it. He wanted to tell you to stay, wanted to hang up the phone and kiss you. Deep down he felt that if you kissed him, you’d realise how deep and true your feelings were but he couldn’t. He couldn’t force you to stay, couldn’t force you to get over Steve and pick him, he had to let you make your own decision so he just let it be.
“You need me to get an agent to pick you up or will Bucky drive you home?” Steve asked. You knew that if you asked Bucky to drive you home of course he’d say yes but right now, you didn’t know how comfortable that car ride would be so you accepted Steve’s offer of asking sending an agent to pick you up. Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose, everything was falling apart; all of his hopes were being washed away and replaced by disappointment.
Steve told you that he’d get an agent to come over and that they’d be there shortly before you both hung up. Slowly, god so painfully slowly, you turned to face Bucky, “That was Steve,” you said even though Bucky knew that, “Apparently SHIELD were about to send out a search party all for me… Steve’s going to send an agent to pick me up.”
Bucky nodded, “I would’ve driven you home.”
“I know, I just…” You trailed off unsure of what to say next, “I should probably wait downstairs for him.”
“Hey,” Bucky said softly, catching your wrist again. He didn’t want you to go but he knew why you were leaving so he thought he would try to salvage some sort of moment. You didn’t know why but tears filled your eyes as you turned to face him. Your mind was racing and you just didn’t know what to do. You had almost kissed Bucky, you’d been so close and you’d completely forgotten about Steve and then… you remembered and the guilt was ten times worse than it ever had been, “Hey,” Bucky whispers as he tries to wrap you in a hug, “What’s going on?”
Shrugging out of his gentle grip, you shake your head quickly, “I… I- We can’t do this, Bucky.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s too complicated,” you whimpered as tears dribbled down your cheeks, “It’s all just too much.”
“Oh.” Once again, you couldn’t look at him. If you looked at him you’d end up staying and right now, you didn’t know what you wanted or what to do. All you knew is that you needed to go back to your apartment and just be away from Steve and Bucky, “Why are you doing this?” Bucky asked and it completely broke your heart, “We were finally getting somewhere.”
“I’m just…” You didn’t know how to answer his question, you didn’t know how to deal with his emotions, “We just can’t do this, Bucky.”
“No, no, not we,” you could tell by his slightly bitter tone that he was angry. Rightfully so, you’d wasted his time, you’d led him on today for no good reason, “You can’t do this.” He was right, it wasn’t Bucky’s fault that you couldn’t do this, it was your own fault. You were the one pulling the plug on this relationship before it even started.
“Yeah you’re right,” you sniffed, “I can’t do this.”
Bucky scoffed and rolled his eyes, “Run back to him,” he said with venom dripping from his voice, “Run back to Steve.”
“I-I’m not going back to Steve. I just… I just can’t do this.”
“Yeah, whatever.” Bucky’s demeanour had changed completely. He was good at shutting off emotionally, turning cold and distant when things were going poorly and that’s exactly what was happening here. He couldn’t show you his true feelings, he was too proud of beg you to stay, so he shut you out. He would rather you hated him than he show you himself being vulnerable again after having you reject him. Your phone chimed, signalling that you’d received a text, “That’ll be your ride.”
“Bucky, I’m really sorry…” You opened the door, refusing to look at him.
“Yeah, whatever,” he repeated. There was nothing else you could say so you stepped out and let the door swing shut behind you. As you walked down the hall, you could only stay strong until you got into the elevator before you broke down, sobbing into your hands. You’d fucked everything up. Waves of guilt washed over you; guilt over Steve, guilt over Bucky… It was horrible. You managed to pull yourself together a little bit before getting in the agent’s car.
Bucky ran his hands through his hand letting out an annoyed yell before slamming his hands onto the kitchen counter. He was angry. God, he was so angry. He hated that he’d almost had you, you were right there and then as soon as Steve called… you were gone. It was ironic. In the 30s, Bucky was always first and then Steve was second best but now? Now it felt like he was second best and he hated it. Bucky wanted you, he wanted to be with you and he had been so close and then you pulled away from him and there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t do anything but watch as you pulled away and back into the arms of Steve. He’d confessed his true feelings for you, he’d told you how deeply he felt about you and you’d been so close to doing the same.
With a long sigh, Bucky thought that maybe New York wasn’t the place for him any longer… maybe leaving Wakanda was a bad choice. If he’d stayed, he wouldn’t have met you but he wouldn’t have caused all of this drama and you and Steve would be happy. He didn’t like seeing you so stressed, anxious and confused with the whole situation so maybe it would be better if Bucky decided for you. Maybe it would be better if he took himself out of the equation completely. Maybe it was time for him to leave.
Soulmate AU: Your vision is in black and white until you meet your soulmate. You and your boyfriend, Steve Rogers, aren’t each others soulmates but you love each other. He introduces you to his friends, the Avengers, and a very odd thing happens.
Characters: Steve Rogers x Plus Size Female Reader, Bucky Barnes x Plus Size Female Reader
Note;so sorry for the delay! I’m back and I hope you like it!
Taglist: @domainoflostsouls forgetthisbull handon-h-art yourspecialcrush giulsgotmusic mrsbarnes-rogers luosymekawa linzeyzarcone forgetthisbull calamityreads talgra marina-darling btsforlif lamoursansfin classic1985 lovesicksofi fandomsfallnomore thebivirgin classygladiatorcupcake lowlyapprentice mishafaye cececolbert trenchcoatedwhiskers janetgenea scoobertdoobert2 vivalakatee buckybeefybarnes @distinguishedgardenroadbonk
You hated goodbyes. You hated the whole not knowing when things would be back to normal. You hated this whole ‘unsure’ atmosphere. Goodbyes were sad and lonely and they were entirely unpleasant and yet, you were willingly putting yourself through one right now. Sure, it wasn’t an absolute ending but it was almost as awful as the real thing. In fact, maybe it was even worse than the real thing. This ending was completely your doing, you decided it had to be done in order to clear your own head and to save Bucky and Steve’s friendship. It killed you inside to do it but it had to be done. It had been your decision, you ended things with Steve (well not completely ended things but still) and you were the one willingly cutting things off for the good of the two of you. You had to. You couldn’t let this carry on any longer.
Love was an awful thing. It was beautiful and good and terrible and wretched all at the same time and right now, you couldn’t continue to put yourself, Steve or Bucky through this. It was destroying their friendship and it was destroying you. What kind of person would you be had you willingly continued on with yours and Steve’s relationship whilst knowing what it was doing to Steve and Bucky’s? You just couldn’t. As much as you loved Steve, you simply couldn’t. You mentally cursed yourself for being empathetic to other people and their relationships. Even despite the fact that Steve had told you that he and Bucky had patched things up when you’d been in the toilet at the SHIELD compound but that didn’t really change much on your end. They solved one fight but what if they had a worse one, what if they had one that they couldn’t fix? You couldn’t risk that. It just wasn’t fair so… you told Steve that the two of you needed to take a break from your relationship.
Steve was pretty broken up about it, as one would be naturally, but he was being strong for you; he knew that this was the right thing to do. He understood why you had to do this and to be honest, he somewhat agreed. No, he didn’t want to break up with you but he figured that you’d been through so much in such a short space of time and you needed to figure your head and heart out. You needed time to heal and process the trauma of the last few weeks. A part of him, a selfish part of him, wished that he could make you forget about Bucky but the rational side of him knew that even he had a soulmate that wasn’t you. Peggy had died a few years prior and Steve’s version of her was way back in the 30s but still, he loved her and he couldn’t stop that. He would always love Peggy but at the same time, he would always love you. You weren’t his ‘soulmate’ through the world’s eyes but in Steve’s eyes, you absolutely were. How lucky he was to have loved and had two soulmates in his lifetime. It hurt Steve but he understood so he didn’t put up a fight but instead he just understood that this is what you had to do.
After speaking about things and coming to decision to temporarily end things, Steve decided that he’d leave the apartment for a while to give you your well needed space and time to think things through. Steve couldn’t have you alone in the apartment, even though it was protected, so he called Natasha and asked her to stay for a night or two. You were glad that Steve had asked Nat, you needed to talk to her, needed to vent and hear her thoughts on things.
Nat arrived around thirty minutes later carrying a pizza and a duffel bag. She and Steve spoke for a few minutes at the door before she came inside and told you that she was going to go to the bathroom which gave you and Steve the chance to say your goodbyes. Almost instantly, your eyes welled with tears as you realised that this was it. God, it really felt like a proper break-up, “You know, this was your apartment first, Steve, I can go stay with a friend instead-”
Steve shook his head as he placed his bag down by the door, “Don’t be silly, this is your home too. I’d rather you be here where I know that you’re surrounded by SHIELD agents and with Nat here, I trust that you’ll be safe.”
There was a lapse in the conversation, that kind of awkward ‘I don’t know what to say next’ sort of vibe. Steve looked at you with a soft smile, “Hey,” he said quietly, reaching out for you, “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
You moved into his touch allowing him to caress your cheek with his fingers gentle on your skin, as you nodded slightly, “Yeah… I just need time to figure everything out.”
“I know and I understand,” he whispered, “I don’t blame you, sweetheart.”
“Steve,” you said, “what if… what if we don’t…” You couldn’t finish the question. You couldn’t ask him ‘what if we don’t get back together’, you simply couldn’t.
Steve shook his head, “No, no, no, what we aren’t going to do is torture ourselves with ‘what ifs’. Instead, you’re going to focus on you healing and processing everything and I’m going to focus on Hydra and making peace with Buck… Come here.”
He opened his arms and you eagerly wrapped yourself up in them, relishing in his warmth and the way he smelled. You didn’t know when you’d next experience a hug like this so for now, you would enjoy every second of it. You stayed like that for a few moments, just enjoying each other, before you heard the lock of the bathroom click and the door open. Steve pulled away first, “I guess that’s my queue to go,” he said, pressing a kiss to your forehead, “If you need me, call me.”
“Where will you go?” You asked as he grabbed his bag.
“I’ll be at Sam’s, I won’t be far.”
He thanked Nat before turning and opening the door, “Steve?” You asked, making him pause, “I love you.”
He smiled as he turned slightly to face you, “I love you, too, (y/n).” With that, he left leaving you and Nat alone in the house.
Nat, sensing that you could potentially break down here, swooped in and opened up the pizza, “Let’s eat, then we’ll talk.”
As the pizza box lay almost with just a couple of slices left, Natasha was telling you about her and Bruce’s blossoming relationship, “He finally let up and gave into me-”
“Who could deny you and your charm, Ms. Romanoff?”
Nat smirked, “Exactly. He told me that he was scared, he still doesn’t fully trust himself but we’re getting there slowly. After our first date, we went on another and another and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. We finally made it official!” The smile on her face made you smile. You were happy for her truly. Nat had waited a long time to find happiness, you knew that, so you were glad that she finally had it in her grasp.
It was then her attention focused on you, “So what’s going on with you and Steve? And Barnes actually?”
You knew that it was coming but it felt like a swift kick to the stomach when she asked you. You let out a long breath, “I have no idea, Nat.”
“Start from the day you left with Barnes.”
So you did. You ran through the events that transpired, a shorter more concise version, as Natasha listened intently. Her face gave nothing away as you spoke, you didn’t know if she was judging you for developing feelings for Bucky or if she approved; you had no idea. It was only when you’d finished retelling her the events of the last few weeks that she frowned, “Do you love him?”
Assuming that she was talking about Bucky, you shook your head, “I have no idea. I know that I have feelings for Bucky but I don’t know if it’s love… It’s intense and real but I- I don’t know.”
“I never specified a person. I asked do you love him, it was you who filled in the ‘him’ part. Judging by the fact you picked Bucky, I’d say that yeah, you do love him.” Her tactic caught you off guard, making you second guess everything. She smirked, “Do you love Steve?”
“Yes. Absolutely.”
“Do you love Bucky?”
“I-I-”
“No, stop thinking. You think things through and you can talk yourself out of everything, (y/n).” Natasha rolled her eyes, she knew you too well. You could talk yourself into or out of anything if you gave it enough thought. “Yes or no, do you love Bucky?”
You closed your eyes and listened to the pounding of your heart. You thought back to the getting to know him over the last few weeks. You thought of the way he listened to you as you spoke, the way he didn’t say much and yet said everything, the way he read to you, the way he protected you, the way he held you as you cried, the way he looked at you… “Yes,” it was barely more than a whisper but there it was; the truth. Nat sat back, satisfied that she’d made you admit the truth to yourself, “Oh, Nat,” you whimpered as your eyes filled with tears, “What am I doing?”
Nat gave you a sympathetic smile, “Right now, you did the right thing ending things with Steve. It was good of you to recognise that you need to figure out what you want-”
“I don’t know what I want! I love Steve but Bucky’s just… He got under my skin and no matter how hard I try, I cannot shake him.”
“Talk me through it.”
“With Steve, everything’s easy, you know? Everything’s simple and good with Steve. He’s kind and he’s open and he’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met-”
“But?”
“But am I too comfortable with him? Is life toosimple,tooeasy?”
“Is that a bad thing?” From the outside, yours and Steve’s relationship seemed perfect and truthfully, it was. You didn’t think many men in the world were like Steve Rogers, he was one of the good ones; the reallygood ones. Despite that though the question of ‘what if’ hung over you like a rain cloud and you couldn’t shake it despite trying to.
“I don’t know honestly. A large part of me says that no it isn’t a bad thing, I should want an easy life, a comfortable life but there’s another part of me…”
“What about Bucky?”
“Bucky’s…” You smiled, “Bucky’s just Bucky. He’s stubborn and cold but once you crack open that shell, he’s funny and charming and I want to know more-”
“But?”
“But am I being naïve? Bucky’s my soulmate and that obviously means something but is it enough? I know that I could marry Steve tomorrow and live our comfortable life with him until the day we die but… would it be enough for me? Would I always question ‘what if’?”
“Do you see yourself with Barnes that way? Marrying him and being together forever, white picket fence and all that jazz?”
You started down at your hands, fiddling with the frays of the blanket, “I don’t know. I think that’s what I need to figure out. I think I need to get to know Bucky more, see if it’s just a kind of infatuation or if it’s more… Ugh.” You groaned, falling back into the chair you occupied.
Nat raised her eyebrows as she took another sip of beer, “I don’t envy you right now, you know. It seems like you’ve got one hell of a decision to make.”
“I don’t want to be the cause of their friendship being ruined. You should’ve seen them today, I’ve never seen Steve like that… I don’t know if I’d be able to handle seeing either of them like that again.”
“You know that whoever you were to go forif you were to go for either… the other would make peace with that. Bucky and Steve have survived a lot worse. You think two men from the 30s would hold a grudge? I don’t think so. I think they’d be fine. At the end of the day, you have to do what’s best for you.”
You slunk back into the couch, “Yeah… But what is best for me?”
Nat pushed the pizza box towards you with her foot, “More pizza. Eat up and stop torturing yourself.”
“Didn’t I say this was gonna happen?” Sam asked Steve with raised eyebrows, “Didn’t some really smart guy say that you were only just gonna push (y/n) into his arms? Who said that? Oh, Idid, I’m that smart guy.” Steve had arrived at Sam’s a while ago and he’d been updating him on the events of the last while. Sam was not impressed in the slightest, obviously.
Steve shook his head with a laugh, “Yeah, yeah… You told me so, I get it.”
“But seriously, how you doing?”
The super soldier shrugged, “Part of me wishes I’d never introduced Bucky to (y/n).”
“Wish you’d never introduced him to me too,” Sam muttered under his breath, “Pain in my ass.”
“But it was inevitable. How were any of us to know that the two of them would be soulmates? It was the last thing that any of us expected and yeah, I pushed them together so it is pretty much my fault.” He looked down to the ground, “Ultimately, I just want her to be happy; that’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“Could you bear to watch (y/n), your alleged second soulmate, be in love with your second best friend? Could you stomach that?”
Steve shook his head, “Wouldn’t matter,” he said, “I’d just have to do it. If they were going to be together, I’d still be in their lives no matter how hard it is for me. I couldn’t give up on either of them like that.”
“What do you think’s gonna happen?” Sam asked, taking a sip of beer.
“Honestly?” Steve sighed, “I don’t know.”
It was after midnight, Nat had long since fallen asleep on the couch but you found yourself lying awake thinking of one person in particular. Your mind was full of thoughts of him, you couldn’t help it. With a sigh, you sat up, grabbing your phone and unlocking it, eyes squinting to adjust to the change in the light. You scrolled through your contacts before landing on the one person who you needed to talk to; you wouldn’t sleep unless you spoke to him. Truthfully you knew that you shouldn’t be doing this, you knew that you might regret this decision but you couldn’t help yourself. You had to phone him; you had to hear his voice.
“You know us breaking up or ‘taking space’ doesn’t really mean you should be calling me during the night.” As soon as you heard his voice, you immediately relaxed, “What’s going on, love?” You could tell by his voice that he’d been sleeping, you’d just woke him up.
“Steve,” you almost whimpered, “Have I made a mistake?”
“Sweetheart, relax,” Steve sighed. You heard the rustling of sheets as he assumedly sat up, “I know it was only a few hours ago but I understand why it had to happen. You have to figure out what you want, whether that’s me, Bucky or neither. You have to decide what you want to do and the only way you can do that is by taking a break from us.”
“I wish things could go back to the way they were before.”
“The selfish part of me agrees but ultimately, I’m glad that you met Bucky. I’m glad you get to experience a world of colour now. Despite the circumstances of what’s happened and how it came to be, I’m glad you got to meet him and see the best version of himself. I’m glad that he met you, that he got to experience your joy because it’s the best damn thing in the world.” Hearing Steve say these things, these completely selfless beautiful things, made you just wish that you were with him now, curled up in bed. He could hear your sniffling and knew you were crying, “Have you spoken to him? Bucky I mean?”
“No, not since the hospital, why?”
“Maybe you should give him a call.” Why was Steve saying you should call Bucky? Why was he pushing you in his direction? “I mean, as hard as it is for me to suggest it and be okay with it, maybe you need to talk to him about how you feel and about what’s happened. I’m not saying you’re going to choose either of us but being honest might help put things into perspective.”
“I don’t understand, Steve…” You sighed, “Why don’t you hate me? Why don’t you hate Bucky?”
“I could never hate you, (y/n). I love you too much, you know that.” He gave a humourless laugh, “It’s my fault this happened in the first place. I was reckless and HYDRA found out about you, I asked Bucky to come back, I asked him to take you away… I got that ball rolling… I just want you to be happy and if that’s with Bucky then so be it. No matter what happens, I don’t regret any of my choices when it comes to you. I never regretted us. Know that and believe that.”
His words truly touched you and hit you square in the heart. He radiated love and kindness. You hated yourself for putting him through this. Why can’t I just be satisfied with you, Steve? If you could give up seeing colour for living in blissful ignorance with Steve, you’d do that but you couldn’t. You also couldn’t continue to be with Steve without pulling on the thread of Bucky. You had to know. “I love you, Steve.” You did, you do, love him; he taught you what love was. Things would change from here on out but that didn’t make your feelings for him any less important or any less real.
“I love you too. Now try and get some sleep. I’ll reach out in a few days, okay?”
“Okay… Bye.” The call ended with a ‘beep’ and then you were left alone in the dark silence once again. Though this time, you didn’t feel as lonely, sad or anxious, you felt safer now; more at peace after hearing Steve’s voice.
You stayed awake for a while thinking about the things Steve said. He wanted you to call Bucky, although it hurt Steve he knew that you needed to try out all options, see where your head was and see where your heart lay. It surprised you that Steve thought that you should call Bucky, surprised that Steve was so seemingly okay with it. You knew that deep down, he wasn’t okay but he would force on a smile and would advise you to do it. Steve was too kind for his own good, he was too selfless. Overall else, he wanted you to be happy and if you were happy with Bucky, that would be enough for Steve. Still, hearing him say that you should call Bucky shocked you. That was for another day though. Instead, for now, you relished in the smell of Steve in the duvet, his words repeating over and over inside your mind.
I don’t regret any of my choices when it comes to you. I never regretted us.
