#pregnancy loss
I’m glad I can block a certain word on here that I don’t wish to see. It’s honestly been so triggering with having recurrent miscarriages myself.
Like some content regarding the “a” word, wouldn’t be so bad because I feel for those women. While others takes makes me feel alone, isolated and not valid as a mother. I’ve gone through labor 3 times resulting as a loss each time.
Don’t forget about us please. Bereaved mamas like me have a stigma around us. We’d like a change in that as well. It has improved compared to the past, so I know we’re in the right direction.
I am still a mom this Mother’s Day
I’m thankful for those who wished me Happy Mother’s day and including me. This is my second Mother’s Day. I decided to draw our babies as a memorial.
I am still a mom even though my babies aren’t physically with me. My arms seem empty, but there are babies there.
I have gone through labor 3 times to give birth to three angel babies.
They were lost through each miscarriage, but they always remain in my heart.
From right to left, I put our babies in order.
First is Jellybean. (White wings)
Second baby is Rosalina and third is Chily. (Both rainbow wings - indicating rainbow baby losses.)
Thinking of all the other mommies this Mother’s Day who had their babies meet the same fates my did. ;w; We are valid.
Happy International Women’s Day
1 out of 4 women experience pregnancy loss.
1% experience recurrent miscarriages.
I fall under these. I’ve made artworks for each losses.
Many women suffer in silence from such a traumatic event.
You are not alone. Break the stigma.
Spread the word.
Remember us.
Pregnancy loss isn’t “oversharing”. We’ve lost a part of us and family. Such a traumatic event in our lives that other people could share about their loved ones dying.
Our babies died, too. They’re valid to us.
Let’s stop shaming women for sharing their stories.
1st miscarriage: https://www.deviantart.com/faithwalkers/art/Miscarriage-865213383
2nd miscarriage: https://www.deviantart.com/faithwalkers/art/Miscarriage-The-Lost-Rainbow-888137225
Sharing our whole experience with this 3rd miscarriage. Be warned, compared to other times I have shared this, I have become a very bitter person. I’m very broken so yeah. Be warned.
Didn’t think I’d make another artwork in regards to this. But here we are.
WARNING: There is TMI talk, trigger warnings
For those who don’t know, we have lost two babies before this one. These losses are our only offspring. Today, we’re talking about our recent loss: Chily.
Reason for that name was the most cravings I had was chilli and tomato stuff.
We unfortunately don’t know the gender and I’ll get to that later on. I’m so devastated with this whole thing of not knowing!! 11 weeks!! I should know, right?!
Don’t mention surrogate, adoption, ect. I don’t wanna hear it. It’s very inappropriate. If your relative had died, would I tell you to adopt a new one? Get outta here.
Surrogate is very triggering for me. All I’d feel is jealousy that I can’t have the bond with a baby that way. I will not be answering those types of comments or messages because I will blow up. So please delete or unsend anything like that. There are other types of treatments, but I rather not think about it right now as seriously, THIS HAPPENED LAST WEEK.
Don’t say try again. I really don’t want to think about it this time after having such a horrible experience.
AND PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, refrain from saying “I’m sorry” “God needed them.” stuff. It’s so draining at this point. Please don’t come at me about my anger towards God with it all especially if you don’t understand. You have no right to say anything. My reasons are valid. I’m suffering from a lot of trauma. My whole life has been full of it so I can’t even get a break.
I am not in the place to have anyone sympathize with me. This is raw feelings of anger and depression. This post is informative for people who may need it or come to understand the depth of it.
Anyway… I will share you our experience.
Before anything started with the bleeding, I was noticing my pregnancy symptoms were disappearing. Although, it was hard to tell as this was the furthest I’ve been along. There was a 50/50 chance of it being normal and not normal.
In my case, it wasn’t normal.
I always had it in the back of my mind that this would happen again. Even though I filled the colored boxes per week that “I can do this” I prepared myself for the worst so I could hurt less. I wish that were true as our experience with the ER wasn’t the greatest. I’ll get to that.
So the symptoms I’ve noticed disappearing was the sensitivity in my breasts, the morning sickness, and loss of appetite.
As a reminder, I have been very anal on taking my baby aspirin and prenatals every day. We don’t know what happened.
One day, I told my husband, “This pregnancy is weird. I hardly crave anything.”
Before, I had more food aversions but that also had disappeared a little bit too.
And there was another incident where I had painful pregnancy diarrhea. I heard that was ok too, but just never know. But after being on the toilet, I touched my belly. The uterus part was sunken in. I don’t remember when that had occurred, but maybe that’s when Chily was dying.
So come New Year’s Eve. I was in the mood and it was around 11ish pm. Sorry for the TMI, but we made love. Immediately afterwards, I started bleeding pink blood.
So I was like oh, this happened faster. Because last time, I had it. It was normal. I had the ultrasound after the fact. Baby had a strong heartbeat. So before anyone says anything, no, sex didn’t cause this. I had so much blaming on myself with this. I thought it was the cause. I’ll get to that later.
Anyway.. so I went to bed… but I woke up at 4AM. Something was off this time compared to last. I had a thick, red clottish thing. It wasn’t a clot, but it was thick blood.
So I started panicking. Now, this was when I was starting to figure something was happening. I’ve prayed to God daily to not have me go through it again because I wouldn’t handle it.
I prayed for protection of the baby and to have things normally.
I guess my prayers were in vain. They always are when it comes to desperately wanting a life to be saved. I’ve learned that when I was 13 years old and lost my sister to cancer. It’s still the same old thing these days.
Hard for me to see a miracle…
But even then, I was trying to relax. I did my anxiety reducing exercises and it REALLY helped. My cat, Mew, she was acting strange. The strange feeling where she acted like every time a baby was dying.
She knew the time I was pregnant to the time baby was dying. So I go to bed, trying to not think about anything. I think both my husband and I were in denial in our own ways. Both our emotions were tense.
For the right reasons anyway…
I fell asleep and had many nightmares. even before this incident, I’ve dreamt of losing this baby too. I try not to think about my dreams, but sadly, they come true when it comes to miscarriages.
I’ve dreamt I was bleeding. I dreamt I was saying it’s happening again.
The most vivid dream I’ve had, I was shouting out the window towards the heavens. There was an orange cat there. Not sure if it means anything, but, I screamed to God, “God, Don’t take this one too!!”
Then I woke up to mild cramping. It was front to back. The cramps radiated down my legs. I shoulda put myself on bed rest that day (Saturday now), but I saw the blood was turning brown and lighter. Thought it was fine, but it wasn’t.
5PM: I was spotting a bit more brown right onto the pantyliner. I want to tell you, MOST cases brown is normal. HOWEVER, don’t let brown on a pantyliner think things are ok.
And then Sunday morning came…
Why didn’t I call anyone? Well, the gyno’s closed. Every time this friggin happens, it’s on a weekend!! I can’t believe it…
So Sunday morning was when things were turning south and I had no clue. It was still brown, but I wiped and saw mini clots and tissue.
I was starting to believe something was wrong, but again, denial. Then it turned bright red. I wanted to not believe it.
Then, January 3rd came. January 3rd, the day the miscarriage was starting to commence. I’ve called the gyno first thing in the morning. My anxiety was peaking.
They made a note and said to still keep my appointment on the 7th. Come 12PM, I was bleeding thicker with more thick tissue. I was cramping front and back more. Some of the cramps became somewhat severe. I called the gyno.
My heart sunk as they told me to go to the ER…
This ER experience had been nothing but awful.
The wait time was torturous. My pains kept coming and going. It was packed because of COVID cases and other stuff. The beds were filled. It wasn’t like our other times we were there. Last two times, I had priority and went in.
An hour later, they did bloodwork and a urine test. The lady came for the urine an HOUR later. So now it was about 3ish.
Two more hours of waiting and I’ve started to have contractions. They weren’t as bad as they were with our last miscarriage daughter’s, but it was pretty bad. I went to the bathroom, but nothing there.
I thought it was strange how the bleeding was stopping and I was in so much pain…
Finally, I heard my last name called in the bathroom. I didn’t bother washing my hands. (I sanitized them as soon as I got into the room)
But I couldn’t walk. It was too painful. They grabbed a wheelchair and I was off.
In the room, I was able to get into the bed to finally lie back. The waiting room chairs were SO uncomfortable to sit in for hours. And yes, I did take my prenatals and baby aspirin. It didn’t matter at this point.
So the doctor came into the room to check it my cervix was dilated. I was in too much pain at this point and said I couldn’t do it. Sadly, my ER doctor had to leave the room and go help a trauma patient. I was already crying a lot because I heard my hCG was at 6000. Now if you look at the charts online for 11 weeks, the hCG is no where near that.
Our baby’s levels were going down. I was devastated. </3
So, my husband and I were hopelessly in the room. I groaned and had a heavy need for some painkillers. The contractions sucked. Just like with our last angel baby, I felt a pop. It hurt. Last pregnancy, I had that with our daughter too when going into early labor.
I would feel a hot gush of what I thought to be blood coming out of me.
“It’s happening…!” I cried out, remembering the awful feeling of losing our two other babies. Our first one, Jellybean, the water didn’t break. I just massively soaked a pad in seconds.
I thought that happened with our daughter and this one. But I finally figured it out it was indeed my water breaking…
I was confused, at first, to see no massive blood. Like I was with Rosalina (our daughter)… so I went to touch down there to see.
Clear, watery liquid. It soaked my panties.
“I think..my..water broke…” i stammered to my husband.
More denial.
I can’t remember when but they gave me throw away underwear to put on a new pad. Practically useless for later on.
And then, I felt like I hadda pee pretty badly. He helped me to the bathroom and I locked the door. I wished I didn’t go alone because I didn’t think this would happen.
I tried to pee, but I’ve felt pressure. A lot. It actually stopped my urine stream. This was a first for me. But I had that familiar feeling when I passed our daughter at home. I hated to do this in the hospital bathroom!!
I took the toilet paper as a futile attempt to catch what I thought was the sac. (It was the placenta WITHOUT the baby but I found out later on.)
So My hands were soiled in blood. Blood was all over the floor. I felt helpless as i cried, seeing what was in my hand. I saw something else in the toilet and wanted to see if that was our baby.
I kept calling for my husband like an idiot. The door was locked and I was tempted to press emergency. But I motioned myself slowly to the door. Using my elbow to open it. Thankfully, the bathroom was right next to my room.
I was panicking as I needed someone to salvage whatever was in the toilet. I was given a glove to dig in the toilet. All I saw was a clot… But I feel like I should have look more thoroughly. I dunno if I had flushed the baby down the toilet. It’s still friggin haunting me because I really wanted to see the baby somehow. this was one of the parts where I thought I might have passed Chily.
And so, I was taken back to the room.
The throw away underwear was getting soaked. I was getting so much pain. Took forever for them to bring me the pain medication. At this point, I’ve had no food nor water for awhile now.
They didn’t even put fluid IV in me. Which would have been friggin nice. I was severely dehydrated. The last two hospital visits for our previous losses, they had given me IV. Anyway, so the nurse came in and she discovered I had no IV for my medication.
You can see how very chaotic and disorganized the ER was. It was a nightmare so I can kinda not fully blame them for some stuff with the chaos.
But the IV was put in my upper arm. I was kinda scared since I never had it up THAT high before. It hurt, but it wasn’t so bad. What freaked me out was my arm was turning friggin purple from the band. I was freaking out to have it removed. So she did.
My dang hand was looking a little shriveled up. They gave me three meds.
One for nausea. One for inflammation.
And friggin morphine. Look, I have never taken morphine in my life and I hated it. I felt very confused and hot. It made my anxiety rose. It was a rush. I hated it. Wouldn’t do it again.
We were told the ultrasound was going to be brought to us, but it wasn’t…
So the door was kinda creaked opened and I saw the bathroom across our room wasn’t cleaned. Felt bad for this guy who walked into it to see my blood massacre in there. Just to hear him say, “Omg…”
I had a clot trying to come out, but it was stuck. They put a bowl underneath me for me to pee and push it out. I couldn’t. I couldn’t pee at all as there was like a blockage.
i was finally wheeled to the ultrasound room and I was pushing. Just nothing. Morphine made my pain go away, but I still would never do it again.
So I went into the ultrasound room. Got onto the bed and something came out of me. The lady wouldn’t lemme look to see if it was baby or not. I dunno why the frig she didn’t.
Like what would hurt if I were to evaluate it myself?? So she phoned the doctor to come look. She was the good doctor who was always honest and kind. I wished she was around to do the whole thing honestly.
She told me it was a clot and that’s all. So she left me with the ultratech lady. Did topical ultrasound and she said there was huge clots inside me. She had me use the bathroom to push it out.
This was where she was helpful. She had taught me how to breathe and stuff to release the clots. SO MUCH came outta me. Now, I dunno if baby was among it all… she set up a toilet bowl thingy to catch everything. I had large clots that were size of a lemon and other sizes.
She reassured (lied) to me that she would have the doctor come in to evaluate to see if baby was in there. She had no containers in the room to move it to the next room.
I hated it because she was nice and I friggin fell for it. I did a pelvic ultrasound and pain wasn’t so bad with it. She had to see if there’s anything leftover.
Return to the room with my husband in it… a couple hours later, the doctor came to get me discharged. I’m like wait… what about the stuff in the room? What about the baby?!
A look of confusion washed over her face. Wow. Guess what? Ultratech person didn’t tell her anything. The doctor didn’t evaluate it, the ultratech lady DID.
Why did she when she needed the doctor to look at the big clot yet she thought to look herself?!
Even when I told my gyno on the phone, they seemed surprised they didn’t gather anything over there.
So I gave myself a lot of self-blame from that. I wished I could have looked more thoroughly or even myself in the ultrasound room. I’ve talked to my therapist so she made me feel better about that. When going through something traumatic, it’s understandable.
We finally got discharged around 11PM after being there for 10 hours. Went without food and water for 5 hours.
So recovery from Tuesday-Thursday had been rough. Not many know how someone is able to recover after a miscarriage. You still bleed, have pain and very weak. I’ve had peeing issues because of being severely dehydrated. My blood sugar was low.
Everything with that is ok now.
January 6 was the worst day. I was having so much pain. I’ve passed more clots and tissue. We’d like to believe the tissue is the baby because it looked similar. So maybe it was or not. I’m going with was because it helped give us more closure.
Anyway, recovering sucked. I could hardly move. Using the bathroom hurts like someone stabbing my butt. I can’t do dishes, laundry and other simple things. My husband and I get overwhelmed with it. He has work to do and I understand that. Our friend has been great. He had vacuumed our house and did the dishes. So very thankful for him.
A lot of people who hadn’t been through it doesn’t think about that stuff. Well, now I’m telling you. It’s easy to say you’re here to talk to us, but when it comes to needing help with things, the harsh reality is you’re alone.
I don’t like asking for help. Not at all. Maybe it’s the fact I wanted people to awful as I’m sinking into postpartum depression and feel ashamed. But yeah, don’t feel guilted into helping just because I have addressed it. Again, this is a informative post. If you ever have a friend who goes through a MC, I can’t stress it enough they would need help in a physical way.
Anyway… so my update for January 7th
So they’re doing bloodwork on my husband and I to see if there’s any problems between us… they want me to go back on birth control after my first period were to come. And then they will do 3D ultrasound on my uterus to also see it there’s a uterus issue. They brought up adoption if there’s actually no hope so I dunno. I don’t have to do weekly bloodwork. I’d have to do a pregnancy test hCG is done to see if it’s negative then start birth control pill when period starts.
The bloodwork they’re doing is chromosome (for both of us) and lupus (me).
The 3D ultrasound will be done after my first period. It will see if my uterus is abnormally shaped… or if there’s any other issues causing it. They will check for blood issues.
I dunno. I am feeling sad even though they’re trying to get to the bottom of this and I feel like my body’s so broken…and just mentioning adoption I dunno anymore. They figured since the last baby had genetic issues, this one did too. And the first one didn’t form properly. And the gyno asked me if I still have the pregnancy tissue and she said she could take it but they’re already at the funeral home so that made me cry too.
We don’t have answers yet. But we will… in time. Sigh.
So I hope whoever reads this is more informed. This isn’t fun and I already feel the postpartum depression hitting me. I’m trying to fight my mind and it’s rough.
And if anyone is insensitive, I will block you. Not sorry.
In conclusion…
Even though we never found out Chily’s gender, we still love them whether they were a girl or boy. :( I really felt they were a she. But we don’t know. Sorry, there’s a lot of emotional conflict in this whole post.
And please help me to know what to do with postpartum depression. It’s already hitting me.
Thanks for reading.
Here’s the brutal part of the story. IF YOU WANT THE RAW DETAILS OF THE STORY. IT IS GRAPHIC SO BE WARNED: https://community.whattoexpect.com/forums/ttc-pregnancy-after-a-loss/topic/not-sure-if-this-is-the-end-for-our-ttc-journey-heres-our-miscarriage-story-127285325.html
Video:https://www.tiktok.com/@yenniefer/video/7052444082894867759
Post link
If Mother’s Day is hard for you, for whatever reason(s)…
- Give yourself permission to just let it be another day.
- Take a step back from social media.
- Write down what you’re feeling in a journal or blog.
- Do something nice for yourself.
- Do something nice for someone else.
- Honor another woman in your life who may not literally be your mother, but who supported and cared for you like a mother.
- Talk to a supportive friend, family member, or therapist.
- Remember that your feelings are valid, and none of them make you a bad person.
- Remember that you are enough, and you are worthy, no matter what.
- Take care of yourself.
- Offer yourself grace and compassion.
- Don’t feel obligated to do anything for or with anyone else.
- Notice your feelings, and don’t berate yourself for what you’re feeling.
Another thing everyone needs to remember is that the medical term for a miscarriage is a spontaneous abortion, and they will try to criminalize that, too.
As many as half of all pregnancies end in spontaneous abortion. Oftentimes the pregnant person does not know they have been pregnant.
I have been pregnant 13 times that i know of, and have required a D&C for a couple of them so I didn’t go septic and die. (Celiac disease causes spontaneous abortion in many people, and we didn’t know i had it, only that I miscarried a lot). I have had one live birth. One. The other 12, they’d like to make crimes.
So. You know. Been thinking about that a lot today.
Listen I get the fear but like. There is not a single pro-life person who wants to criminalize miscarriage. I mean maybe there’s the insane .002% who want to idk but. The vast VAST majority of us are concerned about supporting both the mother and the child
That.Is.A.Lie.
Maybe someone lied to you and told you that “criminalizing abortion won’t lead to charges bring filed against those who miscarry,” but that not only is something which might happen in the future, it is something which is happening right now.
There are women in prison in the United States RIGHT NOW because they miscarried a pregnancy. And no amount of “well this case was different because” will change the fact that half of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and if someone can be charged for “contributing” to miscarriage, literally anything you do while pregnant can be considered “contributing” to a miscarriage if someone wants to make your life hell.
And honestly, I don’t want your “care” for mother and child. I want you to keep all your forced-birther friends and their “religious beliefs” away from me and mine, and yes, I put “religious beliefs” in quotes because - despite arguing that life begins at conception - no priest or pastor I have ever known would baptize a stillborn child. Why? Because it’s theologically incorrect - you cannot be baptized or christened under every major branch of Christianity if you never drew breath. Why?
Because you were never alive.
And regardless of all that, I’m Jewish, and I’ve had literally a dozen miscarriages due to medical shit that is not at all your business, so I’m totally able, having been through my life experiences, having grown up surrounded by forced-birthers, to know what the prevailing attitudes are.
Plus… fuck… did no one ever teach you what the No True Scotsman fallacy is?
There are women in prison in the United States RIGHT NOW because they miscarried a pregnancy. And no amount of “well this case was different because” will change the fact that half of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and if someone can be charged for “contributing” to miscarriage, literally anything you do while pregnant can be considered “contributing” to a miscarriage if someone wants to make your life hell.
Cannot help but recall how pregnancy is counted from the start of the last period and therefore I am three days pregnant right now. Four days ago I was a month pregnant. The fact I’m not pregnant and never have been is not necessarily a relevant concern to anyone but myself here.
another interesting thing about miscarriages is that sometimes, your body doesn’t recognise what’s happening. you got pregnant, and your body is Convinced that there’s a fetus growing in there, and it’s gonna hang on to that, thank you very much.
this is called a missed miscarriage. there are two paths you can take. you can wait and see if the fetus “passes”, eventually, on its own. while you wait, you’ll continue to experience whatever symptoms of pregnancy you were experiencing before, even though there’s nothing alive in there, nothing growing. this can take weeks, and is only effective (i was told) about half the time.
the other option is to abort your spontaneous abortion, either medically or surgically. this option carries fewer risks, both physically and psychologically, but the complication is that in many cases, and certainly in my case, choosing this option means that you get bumped out of the ‘pregnancy loss, sympathetic’ category and into the 'pregnancy loss, murderer’ category.
i don’t have experience with surgical management, though my doctor said that if i wanted to go that route, he’d need to refer me out to an abortion provider—the same doctors who do all the other abortions, the ones who are able to provide that care, the ones who are ringed with furious people holding signs with images of dismembered fetuses who scream at you that you’re a murderer.
if you’re managing it medically, the pharmacist can look disdainfully at you, snotty and tear-stained after spending an hour with your obstetrician, and say 'we don’t do that kind of thing here. you’ll have to go somewhere else to fill this.’
this was in a major city, a solid blue dot, in a purple state. and that’s the current state of how the ~pro-life~ movement treats you when you’ve had a miscarriage. even if you genuinely believe that no one wants to punish people who have miscarriages (you’re wrong), it’s an irrefutable fact that some miscarriages require abortion procedures, and you cannot criminalize one without criminalizing the other.
abortions are medical care. abortions save lives.
Trigger warning: stillbirth, loss of a child, death, pregnancy, etc.
A couple months ago, a friend reached out because a relative of hers had just lost a pregnancy at 22 weeks. She knew my history (I lost a baby girl and was induced at 23 weeks due to a chromosomal abnormality, little bit about it here) and asked if I would be willing to share some thoughts with her relative… anything I found helpful or that I thought she might find helpful to deal with this situation. Apparently I had a few things to say. I’m going to insert what I wrote for her bellow in hopes that maybe someone else dealing with a similar loss might stumble across this post and find one or two things that could help.
Thoughts
Disclaimer: this is all 100% me-specific. Literally nothing she’s doing right now is wrong. (Even if she wants to send me a big F.U. for any of this “advice” that’s also 100% ok!!)
- I got a tattoo. It felt weird that nothing was physically different in the world, so I Made something physically different.
- Held on to something of “hers”. When I delivered they put a small hat on her and we brought a blanket for her. Depending on her delivery circumstance she may have a physical memento like this, or an ultrasound picture or something. I carried her hat around in my pocket for quite awhile after we lost her. And actually still on hard days I occasionally carry it with me. I’d hold on to it when I was falling asleep, etc.
- I went to therapy. I was already in therapy, but it was helpful to have a place to just talk about it. It’s a big part of what helped me be OK talking about it eventually.. Practice.
- That said: I Couldn’t talk about it for awhile. I found a short sentence I memorized and could say when people noticed or asked or something. For me this was some version of:
Them: “How’s the pregnancy going?” “What happened?”
Me: Actually we lost her at 23 weeks, she had a fatal chromosomal
abnormality. I’m Ok’ish, but can’t really talk about it yet.
Them: I’m sorry (me: thank you), or sometimes people would say stupid stuff
(eg. oh well maybe it’s for the best, or maybe next time you’ll be more
ready to be parents.)
ESSENTIALLY: I stopped listening after I said my sentence… it didn’t matter what they said in response, I’d just fill it in with “they’re saying something they feel might be helpful and let me know they care” and then I’d say “thank you” kind of no matter what helped me deal with some dumb (but well intentioned) comments. (one of the only things that actually “helped” felt right was when people would just say some versions of “God that sucks” etc… because yes, yes it does, that’s true.)
- Another thing that helped with the talking to other people thing is reminding myself that they don’t know what this feels like and (importantly) that *I don’t Want them to know what this feels like*… it’s good they don’t know what to say, because they don’t know.
- I found a mantra / attitude that I found super helpful. For me this was the sentiment that This… the pain and hurting and horribleness is Part Of Loving Her… it hurts Because she was important and hurting after losing her is just the same as loving her if she were here, it all stems from the same place.. That she was important.
- This is also one of the reasons I am able to / actually enjoy when I get to talk about her now. Because she was important and I want people to know about her.
Thoughts on future pregnancies bellow, ignore for now if she needs to
- For me, being pregnant again was terrifying. I was around 32 weeks along before I would/could say “WHEN he gets here” instead of “IF he gets here”.
- I had gotten really good at talking about my loss before I got pregnant again, but somewhat unexpectedly after I got pregnant I was right back in structured sentence because apparently I can’t talk about this again (??). Which, by the way, is completely ok! It felt like my son during my second pregnancy was proving me wrong at every appointment. I didn’t expect him to be ok, but he was… every time.
